TV Throwdown: Kim Kardashian Vs. Her Sisters

Knockout siblings Kim, Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian have a knack for making family relations look easy. Fun, even.
Sure, they've had a few blowouts on their reality series, Keeping Up With Kardashians. But for the most part, they make this only child wish I had a sis.
However, now that Kourtney and Khloe are branching out with their own upcoming reality show, Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami, is it possible for the sisterly support continue? Or will the claws of competition come out, leaving Kim as an afterthought as her sisters assume center stage?
Well, here, for the moment, they'll spar in a TV Throwdown. After all, a little sibling rivalry never killed anyone.

BOYFRIENDS
Khloe ended her seven-month relationship with Minnesota Timberwolf, Rashad McCants, earlier this year.
Allegedly tired of her man's flirtatious and hard-partying ways, Kourtney also dumped fiance Scott Disick in 2009.
Meanwhile, Kim and Reggie Bush have been going strong for more than a year, and by many reports, are a happy, healthy, normal celebrity couple. Now, how often do you hear something like that?
Score one for Kim.
Kim: 1
Sisters: 0

JOBS
Kim's job essentially involves modeling, making public appearances and filming her TV show. Khloe and Kourtney do sometimes work for a living in their store, Dash, although it's not usually a major plot point in Keeping Up with the Kardashians.
So it will be nice to see Khloe and Kourtney forge out on their own and open a new Dash store in Miami, which is the basic gist of the new show.
But for now, Kim's primary gig of getting paid to model, travel and party seems like a more glamorous life than selling dresses and keeping books.
Kim: 2
Sisters: 0

INTERNET PRESENCE
All three sisters have their own websites, and use Twitter frequently. Kim's pictures are definitely the sexiest, but her blog and Twitter entries are all pretty self-serving.
Kourtney's updates are few and far between and most of them are ho-hum at best.
Khloe's installations are, by far, the funniest (she posted pictures of her mom, Kris, after she passed out and the sisters decorated her face with black eyeliner), the most interactive ("If you opened a candy store, which 5 candies would you have stocked at all times?") and frank (she admitted her profile pic is the mug shot from her DUI charges and that she thinks it's a flattering photo). So Khloe can easily carry Kourtney in this round.
Kim: 2
Sisters: 1

OTHER TV SHOWS
We had high hopes that Kim and her magical booty would rock Dancing With the Stars. Instead, her shyness and lack of skills sent her packing within the first few weeks.
Khloe fared a little better during her stint on Celebrity Apprentice, until Donald Trump fired her upon finding out about her two-year-old DUI. (Way to research your cast, Donald. Khloe has been dealing with the consequences of this DUI on Kardashians for months.)
Anyway, Kim was rightfully let go from DWTS. Khloe, on the other hand, got the shaft. Clint Black was, by far, the biggest disappointment during that episode of Celebrity Apprentice. Considering her unfair departure from the Apprentice, we feel Khloe is the bigger success story here.
Score one for the sisters.
Kim: 2
Sisters: 2

ENDORSEMENTS
We should soon be seeing Kim in all kinds of sexy Pepsi Max ads, a selection of which have been previewed on her personal blog and on various gossip websites. She's also been Twittering about her participation in the Nivea "Goodbye Cellulite, Hello Bikini Challenge."
Khloe's recent nude ads for PETA were definitely hot to trot, and we appreciate her dedication to animals. But many folks see PETA's over-the-top demonstrations a little bit hard to stomach.
So when it comes to user-friendly endorsements, Kim made the smarter choices. Lotion and soda don't really tend to ruffle many feathers.
Kim: 3
Sisters: 2

Bottom line: For now, Kim still has the upper hand here, but just barely. Khloe and Kourtney will definitely get their chance to shine when their new show airs -- and we're looking forward to seeing how they fare when they're out of their more famous sister's shadow. Kourtney seems to be woefully behind the scenes in comparison to the other two, so we're especially looking forward to seeing her come out of her shell a bit.

Pardon the absenteeism....

This blog has been temporarily been interrupted by the extreme fatigue and dizziness caused by the final weeks of pregnancy.

But here are a few things that are on my mind. Because I know you care.

1. I've been increasingly nervous about becoming a capable mother. Then I found out that Kendra Wilkinson of The Girls Next Door fame is pregnant.
She announced the news a few days after the premiere of her new reality show, Kendra, during which she installed a stripper pole in her new house before even thinking about getting furniture or groceries.
When she finally did hit the grocery store, she exclaimed, "I love Rice-a-Roni, but I had no idea it was Mexican food!"
Suddenly, I feel slightly better about my own situation.

2. I went to a labor and delivery class at the hospital last week, which is designed to be educational and make people feel prepared. It scared the shit out of me.

3. I know soap operas are ridiculous, but there are two knocked up women on The Young & The Restless right now, and both of them claim that they can already feel their babies kicking when they're, like, two months along. Give me a fucking break.

4. Why, why, WHY am I watching I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here!???? Perhaps to see Janice Dickinson pee in the campsite and steal other people's food? Or is it to see Stephen Baldwin's awesome (read: worst I've ever seen) tattoos?
I mean, American Idol castoff Sanjaya Malakar is by far the most likeable person on the show. I'd rather have him and fellow contestant John Salley live in my guest room for a month than share a one-hour meal with any of these other assholes.

5. I am going to have fondue next week with my friend Javacia and I can't wait. I love her, and I love dipping things into melty goodness.

That is all.

Top 10 Reality Show Meltdowns

Don't lie: You don't watch reality TV to see how much cream cheese your favorite cast member puts on her bagel every morning. You watch to see juicy drama unfold. And when you finally witness some kind of meltdown, it somehow makes all the invested TV time seem a little bit more valid. (Right? Or is that just me?)

Here, I salute 10 of my favorite reality show meltdowns.

10. Michael cries for Mommy
One of the most memorable reality-show exits came courtesy of HGTV's Design Star contestant Michael Stribling, who was full of smart-assery and venom during the competitions. But when he was eliminated, he melted like a Popsicle in a microwave. "This is not the end of me. I have a lot to offer." His face reddened and the tears started flowing. "I just didn't want to disappoint my mom. I want my mom right now. I want my mom."

9. Kesan's slow burn
Getting into arguments over the one house telephone is a common instigator on reality shows. But once Kesan and Creepa's phone fight ended on From G's to Gents, Kesan couldn't let it go. While the rest of the house slept, he stayed awake all night, slowly stewing into an hours-long, sleep-deprived meltdown. "I want revenge," he said. "At this point, everyone is a target and they better watch their backs." By the next day, he was evilly caressing an ink pen and telling housemates, "Next person who say something to me, I'ma try and kill ‘em."
Nobody needed a Bic to the eyeball; the G's snitched on him and home he went.

8. Kim Kardashian abandons her fam
In a days-long tantrum that spanned two episodes of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, Kim finally reached her breaking point while on a family ski trip to Colorado. She and her sisters had been arguing over her purchase of a Bentley and Kim had already swung a giant, full leather satchel at Khloe's head. Once in Colorado, Kim ignored the family in favor of her Blackberry. Kris threw Kim's PDA on the carpet, so Kim found the entire family's phone and started hurling them from the balcony. Then she walked out into the snowy wonderland – wearing heels, if my memory proves correct, and pulling her rolling suitcase behind her – to go back home.

7. Sharon Osbourne douses Megan
Megan Hauserman has made a career of backstabbing people on reality shows, and she definitely rubbed Charm School headmistress/mentor Sharon Osbourne the wrong way. But all hell broke loose at the reunion finale, when a drunken, bikini-clad Megan was full of high-pitched screeches and interruptions. Finally, Sharon calmly told Megan that she should be spayed. Then Megan implied the only reason Sharon was famous was for marrying Ozzy. And Sharon got up, cleared her throat and threw a glass of water all over Megan.
Needless to say, Ricki Lake has replaced Sharon as Charm School leader.

6. Joan and Melissa Rivers: Consummate Professionals
Somehow, the Rivers' missed the whole concept of Celebrity Apprentice: It's a game show where people get kicked off week by week. Upon elimination, Melissa was the sorest loser out there. Instead of leaving with dignity, she deemed her fellow competitors – among other bleeped-out things – "whore pit vipers." Mom Joan got in on the name-calling, too, showing where Melissa learned her sportsmanship skills.

5. Tyra blows a gasket
On America's Next Top Model, Tyra Banks' normal personality is that of a mentor, albeit a goofy one, who guides her potential protegees with a firm but gentle hand. But when season four contestant Tiffany displayed a bad attitude and complete indifference, you could visibly see the horns rise from the back of Tyra's head as she exploded in anger, screaming at Tiffany to "SHUT UP!" before reading her the riot act.

4. Bad Girls Beat Down
It's hard to say exactly what provoked Amber's beatdown during a Mexican vacation on the most recent season of the Bad Girls Club. Amber had annoyed the other girls all season, but on this night, Amber had been minding her own business, dancing alone in a nightclub. But when the night came to an end, the other drunken cast members all attacked Amber outside the club, and began kicking her as she laid out on the sidewalk. Amber required medical attention and the cops were called in, but the worst part was that some girls had absolutely no remorse.

3. Sgt. Harvey vs. Screech

While on Celebrity Fit Club, Dustin "Screech" Diamond alienated all his castmates by talking incessantly about his porn tape and his male unit. He took it a step further when he personally insulted all of them, but when he threatened ex-Marine/fitness expert/CFC judge, Sgt. Harvey Walden, Screech was lucky to escape with his life. "You must be out your mind!," Walden screamed. "DON'T YOU EVER F-ING THREATEN ME! I will wear your ass out! ... I'm here to help your fat ass. ... Don't you ever in your f-ing cartoon life ever f-ing threaten me, bitch. I will wear your ass out! You take that to your porn convention!"

2. CT jumps to conclusions
Real World alum CT is no stranger to televised skirmishes. But literally moments into the season premiere of Real World Road Rules Duel II, CT lost his marbles because someone told his ex, Diem, that he had (already) hooked up with busty blonde Shauvon. Katie spilled the beans, but CT assumed it was Adam -- who is half his size and was dressed in a full set of pajamas for a costume party -- and beat the stuffing out of him. CT promised: "I will smash his head and eat it!"

1. Vanilla Ice brings the heat
The Surreal Life Fame Games brought back several of VH1 Surreal Life alum to compete for $100,000. Toward the end of the show, Ron Jeremy cast his vote to eliminate his chum, Vanilla Ice and the Iceman had a meltdown, destroying much of the show's set. He hurled vases, broke giant stage lights, crushed a drum set and screamed in Ron Jeremy's face: "You swore on your mother's grave! BACKSTABBER!" The rest of the cast calmly watched in horror, speechless. Later, Ice proclaimed, "I put him on my album, I told everyone how cool he was." That's OK, Vanilla. We doubt anyone heard it.


Got any favorites I missed?

TV Throwdown: Denise Richards Vs. Kendra Wilkinson: Battle of the Blondes

A few weeks ago, E! unleashed notorious blondes to television viewers in two different reality shows. Starring Kendra Wilkinson of The Girls Next Door fame, Kendra (10 p.m.) will follow the buxom blonde as she lives on her own for the first time and plans her wedding to NFL baller, Hank Baskett.
Actress and former Dancing With the Stars contestant Denise Richards is back for a second season of It's Complicated (11 p.m.), where she navigates Hollywood, dating and motherhood.
So, who are we more willing to set our DVRs for? We'll let you know after we pit the two against each other in five categories in a TV Throwdown:

DAMAGE CONTROL
Most suspect that Richards agreed to a reality show to try and repair her tarnished reputation after her bitter divorce from Charlie Sheen, and after being accused of stealing Richie Sambora from her former best friend, Heather Locklear.
Instead, Richards' program proves she's shallow, inane, not too bright – and above all else – boring. In other words, this show isn't doing her any favors.
Wilkinson, who was a mere civilian before becoming one of Hef's girlfriends, has nothing to lose by doing another show. She has no career to speak of, and she's like a cartoon character, made of flesh (and silicone). Since we don't see her heading off to college any time soon, she might as well make some dough doing this.
Denise: 0
Kendra: 1

FAMOUS EXES
Richards' roster most famously includes Charlie Sheen, 44, who, in his life has appreciated the services of prostitutes; became a born again Christian; overdosed on coke; had five kids (two with Richards); and allegedly verbally assaulted and threatened to kill Richards during their divorce. Richards has also been linked to John Stamos, Patrick Muldoon and Richie Sambora.
Wilkinson's claim to fame is being a girlfriend to Hugh Hefner, 83. Hef enjoys wearing silk pajamas during the daytime; is an athiest; throws ridiculously huge parties at his renowned mansion; is technically still married to spouse Kimberley Conrad, but has multiple, rotating girlfriends; has four kids; and has a constant flow of half-naked women around the house.
Neither make great boyfriend material, but least all of Denise's dudes were within her age range.
Denise: 1
Kendra: 1

LAUGH
Hearing people laugh is supposed to make you feel good and jovial. But listening to these annoying blonde babes cackle gives us both an earache and a headache. Kendra sounds a bit like a monotone Woody Woodpecker, while Denise's guffaws are comparable a female version of Louis in Revenge of the Nerds.
But Kendra loses this round, for the simple fact that she assaults us with her laugh more often than Denise does. She cracks up every time she does something stupid. Which is all the time.
Denise: 2
Kendra: 1

ENTERTAINMENT VALUE
I can say this: There aren't a whole lot of specific moments that stand out in my memory from either woman's past shows. In general, Kendra loves to flash her boobs, play sports and meanders through life on a feeble brain and good looks. Denise has had a mediocre acting career, owns too many pets, swears a lot in front of her kids and leads a pretty dull life.
That said, I'd rather watch Kendra learn to do laundry than see Denise get another spray tan. Denise's promotional teaser for her show says it best: "It doesn't matter if I hit a home run or strike out, at least I'm in the game." Um, if you expect us to waste our time watching your show, it matters to us.
Denise: 2
Kendra: 2

"TALENTS"
Denise's short-lived, uncoordinated stint on Dancing With the Stars was terrible -- almost as bad as her rendition of "Take Me Out to the Ball Game," which she unleashed upon a crowd at a Chicago Cubs game.
However, Kendra had the most embarrassing showing when she competed on Celebrity Rap Superstar, often forgetting the words during performances and relying on obscene gyrations to propel her.
Still, Kendra is also pretty athletic, proving herself capable at tennis and flag football in various Girls Next Door episodes. Plus, Denise demonstrated her bottomless pit of talentlessness in two separate categories. Kendra barely squeaks by with the win.
Denise: 2
Kendra: 3

Bottom line: While Kendra grated on my last nerve during The Girls Next Door, she is undeniably entertaining and we plan to tune in. Meanwhile, I fell asleep during numerous episodes of It's Complicated. Denise is a train wreck, but I just don't care. Why this show has been renewed, I will never understand.

Ranking the Rock of Love girls

The only thing that’s more shameful than being addicted to the three different seasons of Poison frontman Bret Michaels’ dating show, Rock of Love is the notoriety and “fame” that has been bestowed on several of the skanks who competed for his love.
We’re not talking Angelina Jolie-type fame or anything, but VH1 loves resurrecting former dating show contestants and placing them in other competition shows such as I Love Money (a co-ed contest to win money) and Charm School (a program that tries to teach scruples and manners to rough women from its dating shows).
Here, we rank the top five notorious personalities that rejected by Bret Michaels, but not by American TV viewers. And for fun, we’ve paired them with an applicable Poison hit.

5. Brandi Cunningham, "I Want Action"
With a soft-spoken baby voice, Brandi captured attention by calling a scar on her face “a disability,” calling her cat “a human,” and stating that her breast implants were the best birthday present she’d ever received from her parents. After participating what appeared to be a foursome with Bret, Lacey and Heather, she was dismissed from the first season show. But that wasn’t the end of Brandi.
In addition to parts in I Love Money and Charm School, Brandi also went on to do an adult film under an alias. She’s slated to have a role in Megan Hauserman’s new reality show, Trophy Wife as well.

4. Lacey Connor – “Talk Dirty to Me”
Not only did Lacey talk dirty to her fellow contestants, she played dirty as well. Of all the seasons’ ladies, Lacey was the biggest back stabber, instigator and villain that we’ve seen. She always promised to push other contestants to their breaking points, and was partially responsible for getting her “friends” kicked off the show by using personal information against them. Which is probably why she kept getting invited back to terrify contestants in subsequent seasons.
Lacey continued her reign of terror on Charm School, and even though she expressed (fake) remorse for her actions, Sharon Osbourne gave her the boot.

3. Daisy de la Hoya, "Sexual Thing"
It's not like we've committed every ep from ROL2 to memory. But here's what I remember about Daisy's relationship with Bret: Not much. The conversation was always vapid, and when Bret asked Daisy questions, she was about as coherent at Paula Abdul on American Idol. He’d complain about the mediocre chats with Daisy during his confessional monologues, but he’d always end them with "but she's smokin' hot!" Even after she confessed she still lived in a one-bedroom apartment with her ex-boyfriend, Bret was able to overlook it.
Clearly, his big connection with her was in his groin.
Now that Daisy has her own show, she is a little more articulate. But we still don't really understand why she, of all people, was the one to get a show.

2. Megan Hauserman, "Fallen Angel"
At first glance, lovely, angelic Megan is nothing more than a dumb, innocent blonde with a perfect body, a collection of bikinis and a few dozen brain cells. But after watching her on ROL, two installations of I Love Money, and Charm School, we all know better. She plays it cool with fellow competitors, but is a master manipulator behind the scenes, using her body and/or innocent act to her advantage.
Her true colors always shine through, but usually after she’s gotten pretty far in each competition. Now, VH1 is giving her her own dating show, Trophy Wife, scheduled to air this summer. We expect her to show up with her tiny dog, a suitcase full of bikinis and an evil little grin.

1. Heather Chadwell – “Look What the Cat Dragged In”
We admit it: During the first season of Rock of Love, we thought it could get no worse than Heather. She was loud, obnoxious, skankalicious and had the biggest hair we've seen since 1987. Her idea of a classy evening gown involved cheap, pleather scraps of material that covered little more than what was required for TV. And then she was stupid enough to get Bret's name tattooed across the back of her neck during a one-on-one date.
In the end, she didn't win Bret's heart, but the season one runner-up returned in subsequent seasons to help the rocker vet his new crop of women. Heather got into physical altercations with Daisy (during season two’s finale show) and Brittanya (Rock of Love Bus). Of course, we’ve also seen Heather in I Love Money and Charm School.
And we confess: She's grown on us over that time, if not simply for proving that there were tons more people more offensive than her. She was just warming us up for what was to come, and she wanted to kick their asses, too.

I love my momma!

Mom with Archie and Lucy at the park



Mom and Archie



Swingin'!



Mom and I, Dec. 2008


Happy Mother's Day to the person who inspires me every day. She is fun and smart and cool and I love her times ten million.

Stupid signs

Today I was driving home and saw a sign up at a Valvoline oil change place that said, "Now hiring great people!"

Really? Doesn't that go without saying? You never see a sign that says: "Now hiring total assholes!"

Seriously.

I Need A Wheelchair: A Series of Haiku About Being Stupid

This is a follow-up to yesterday's post.

I should have known, when
Idris Elba tweeted re:
his music at six.

Nobody at the
racetrack during Derby
would do that. Red flag.

Still, I believed he
would show up at Grand Gala,
honor commitments.

I went. I milled around.
But mostly, sat and waited.
And waited. Waited.

Of course, he did not
come. We left early. We parked
close, one block away.

But it already
had been too much for my bod.
I'm freakin' totaled.

My feet, still throbbing,
are swollen. They tingle up
to my calves. It sucks.

Baby Nick, your mom
is not a trooper. She's dumb.
Over an actor.

I should send him a
bill for my dress, shoes. Along
with middle finger.

But I will settle
for the moment when I see
Idris on Lifetime.

"Obsessed" is surely
bound for that channel sometime
in the next two years.

Normally, this would
not bug me. But it was too
much effort, no reward.

Derby Day feels weird without the stress

Since I moved here six years ago, today is the only Derby day that I haven't been completely exhausted and totally stressed out about the rest of the weekend.

It's kind of nice.

Normally, I spend 7-8 hours going to and/or covering parties on Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights -- out until 4 a.m. each time. Then I go into the office the following day to write everything up. I grab a few hours of sleep here and there, but mostly, it's just a cycle of getting all gussied up, celebrity spotting and being around a bunch of drunks, then writing.

But thanks to my growing belly, extreme fatigue and the discomfort of standing up for more than 30 minutes of a time, the bosses have spared me any track or party duty this year.

And baby Nicholas and I would like to thank them for that. I went to a media event and another party on Thursday night with Kyle, Javacia and Edd. I got to sit down at both the whole time at both of them and was home by 11:30 or so. And still, when I went into work on Friday, I felt like I got hit by a truck. Seriously. There's no way I could hack party coverage anyway.

Tonight, though, I'm giving one more feeble attempt at enjoying Derby while 30 weeks pregs. I'm heading to the Grand Gala -- the one party I have covered every, single year without fail -- with Kyle. As a regular person, not a reporter. I will drink water sitting down the whole time, stay only a few hours and be fatigued all day tomorrow.

Since all the celebs are the same this year, I had no interest in going to the Gala until I found out Idris Elba was coming. I'm a huge fan of The Wire. So while I won't interview him, I might get to check him out. I guesss that makes me kind of a loser, but oh well.

Plus, now I can tell Nick that his old-ass mother was a trooper and took him to his first Derby events at -9 weeks old. And I can sleep in tomorrow.

Top 15 TV Catchphrases

Sure, there are TV phrases that have been used with incredible regularity: South Park's "Oh my God, they killed Kenny!" and Cheers' "Norm!," for instance. But sometimes, the test of a classic catchphrase is whether it gets used real life. So here, I'm salute the Top 15 TV quotes that have crept their way into American vernacular over the years.

15. "The plane, the plane!," Tattoo, Fantasy Island

Oh, Tattoo. This phrase is pretty much the only memory we have of this program. But it is burned into my mind -- and TV history -- for the remainder of my life.

Idea for use: After being delayed because of weather, your best friend's plane finally arrives at the airport.

14. "How you doin'?," Joey Tribbiani, Friends

It's a common salutation that's been around since, oh, the beginning of time. But Joey Tribbiani's trademark "dumb-guy" enunciation made the phrase seem brand new. Which, subsequently, got a little bit old after hearing everyone say it during the show's heyday.

Idea for use: Anytime. It's an all-purpose greeting.

13. "I'm Rick James, bitch!," Dave Chappelle as Rick James, Chappelle's Show

For nine to 12 months after this episode of Chappelle's Show ran, this phrase was uttered mostly by 20-something men in bars, in malls and in colleges non-stop. It finally died down, but if you said it today, most people would immediately know to what you were referring.

Idea for use: Unless you are Rick James, which you are not because he's dead, there's really no reason use this phrase -- which is why I was so floored it caught on.

12. "Aaaay," Fonzie, Happy Days

A motorcycle-riding, ex-gang member, The Fonz was the cool, womanizing bad boy of this 1950s-based sitcom. His cool-guy remarks were never uttered without using the double thumbs-up sign and were absolutely huge when the show was on air.

Idea for use: Prop yourself up against your new ride, feather your hair, and then let it rip.

11. "Homey don't play that," Damon Wayans as Homey D. Clown, In Living Color

Many times, the actions that accompany a catchphrase are what make it so funny and memorable. Homey D. Clown, an ex-con who worked as a clown, entertained chidren and adults. But when something made him angry, he also violently struck out at people using the phrase, while simultaneously clipping them over the head with a tennis ball-filled sock.

Idea for use: Your sister steals the baby name you've been planning to use since you were 20. (A makeshift weapon can also be used in this instance.)

10. "Hell to the no!," Whitney Houston, Being Bobby Brown

Made popular by Houston before she got smart enough to dump Brown for good, this phrase was so much better and definitive than the standard "hell no." It's become a standard way to express disbelief.

Idea for use: A friend asks if you'd like to attend a Celine Dion concert.

9. "Let's hug it out, bitch," Ari Gold, Entourage

Approximately 30 seconds after slimy agent Ari Gold uttered this phrase on Entourage, we estimate that at least 50 percent of the viewing population used it in conversation within 24 hours.

Idea for use: After a Super Bowl game, during which you were at odds with friends.

8. "Make it work," Tim Gunn, Project Runway

Runway mentor Gunn usually doesn't totally shoot down someone's clothing designs. But he does offer advice, then tell contestants to "make it work." If you see a story about Runway that doesn't include this term, we'll pay you $5. *Not really.

Idea for use: Your boss gives you an impossible amount of work to do in 40 hours time. "Don't worry," you snarl. "I'll make it work."

7. "Well, isn't that special?," Dana Carvey as The Church Lady, Saturday Night Live

Whether or not you said this with a crooked mouth like The Church Lady, chances are you sarcastically uttered it many times during the 1980s.

Idea for use: A friend buys the shoes you've been coveting and saving up for.

6. "The tribe has spoken," Jeff Probst, Survivor

It's the last thing ousted Survivor contestants hear before leaving the game -- and a final way to end any real-life vote.

Idea for use: Your daughter wants to watch Hannah Montana episodes for five hours straight. The rest of the family doesn't.

5. "You look mahvelous," Billy Crystal as Fernandeo Lamas, Saturday Night Live

It's hard to forget this hallmark SNL character, mostly because of his trademark catchphrase -- and the hilarious video that eventually accompanied it. "I've got to tell you something. And I don't say this to everyone. You. Look. Mahvelous," he said. "It's better to look good than to feel good." Word.

Idea for use: When your mom arrives for Mother's Day dinner.

4. "Yada, yada, yada," Marcy, Seinfeld

While this phrase was already popular, the "yada yada" episode became one of the most famous in the Seinfeld series. In the ep, George's girlfriend uses the term to gloss over important details of her day. Jerry doesn't see much problem with it, saying that she's succinct, "like dating USA Today." But it turns out she was leaving out things like possibly sleeping with an ex, and shoplifting.

Idea for use: "Hi honey. I went to the mall today, yada yada yada, then I came home."

3. "Whachu talking about, Willis?," Arnold Jackson, Diff'rent Strokes

It's been 24 years since this sitcom ended, but Arnold's trademark statement still lives on. Not only do people still use it in conversation, I've seen teenage girls at the mall wearing t-shirts proclaiming "I'm What Willis Was Talking About," even though they were never alive during Diff'rent Stokes' days of glory.

Idea for use: Your husband wants to spend $4,000 on a Breitling watch.

2. "Heeeere's Johnny!," Ed McMahon, The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson

The standard announcement that announced Carson's stage entrance has been used in other TV shows, newspaper headlines, and perhaps most notably, in The Shining just after Jack Nicholson plunges off the deep end.

Idea for use: For guest arrivals. You can pretty much replace Johnny with any name, as long as you draw out "heeeere's."

1. "D'oh!," Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

Uttered by Homer almost every time he makes some kind of foible (read: all the time), this simple grunting sound has become so entrenched in popular culture that it made its way into the Merriam-Webster Dictionary in 1993, and into the New Oxford Dictionary of English in 1998. That's quite an accomplishment, especially for Homer, who has likely never used a dictionary.

Idea for use: Stubbing your toe, closing your hand in the door, spilling your beer.

Vampire Fetish: Bloodsuckers Are The New Bad Boy

Centuries-old legends about vampires largely paint them as super-scary killing machines that should be avoided at all costs.

But thanks to a few modern novels – which have been adapted into television shows (True Blood) and movies (Twilight) – vampires are quickly emerging as contemporary sex symbols. Forget the days when sought-after bad boys rode motorcycles, smoked cigarettes and had a couple of tattoos. Today's bad-ass, bloodsucking, boy toys can kill you on the spot – and even though you've got no chance of outrunning them, would you really want to? They are too intriguing to resist.

That's why I'm are counting down the days until I get to see Bill Compton -- the title vampire on True Blood -- again, when season two of the show begins on June 14.

Part of the thing that makes the modern-day vampire so tangible, if not loveable, is the way the legends and personas have been manipulated for the new millennium. The vampires are old souls with modern problems and ideals -- and I love the mixture.

So, I took a look at True Blood and Twilight in several categories, rating the right-now-ness of each on a scale of 1-10.

ASSIMILATION
The main vamps in each series, Bill Compton and Edward Cullen (Twilight), both make every attempt to live normal lives among humans without hurting them. However, each have their crosses to bear. In True Blood, the townspeople are aware that vampires exist, but they are met with extreme prejudice. In Twilight, Edward must hide his true self from everyone but his vampire family and girlfriend, Bella. Can you say stressful?
True Blood: 8
Twilight: 7

EATING
While Bill's hungry, he sips the synthetic drink, Tru Blood, so as not to feed on living creatures. The beverage invention seems so 2009. The Cullens, meanwhile, feed on animals in the forest instead of humans. It's great they don't kill humans, but this writer often likes animals better than people, so I'm not super impressed.
True Blood: 10
Twilight: 7

SLEEPING
Like most traditional vampires, Bill sleeps in a coffin during the daytime. Ho-hum. Edward however, doesn't require sleep. Ever. Can you imagine how much you could get done if you never got tired?
True Blood: 2
Twilight: 8

SEX
Twilight is geared toward young adults, and romance prevails over sex. Bella and Edward can scarcely make out before he pulls back to avoid his natural instinct to inhale her scent and suck her blood. Frankly, it's nice to see teenagers who aren't hopping in the sack first chance they get.
The vamps on True Blood, meanwhile, have insatiable libidos. Their graphic, lighting-speed sexual activity can be a little bit much, but at least they can have sex with humans. Let's face it: Complete, prolonged abstinence isn't easy for everyone ... and consensual sex is better than a pile of dead bodies.
True Blood: 7
Twilight: 9

TRAVEL
You'd think an unemployed being – alive or undead – would A) take public transportation; B) drive a jalopy; or C) just run everywhere, since they're gifted with the ability to move at lightning speeds. But Bill drives a black BMW, and Edward's got a shiny, silver Volvo. Even vampires want nice wheels.
True Blood: 8
Twilight: 8

BITING
In most stories, including Twilight, being bitten (but not killed) by a vampire means that you're doomed to the same immortal fate. But on True Blood, vampires can bite humans (during sex, for instance) and not be changed. Likewise, humans on the show take hits of vampire blood to get high. Creative and interesting.
True Blood: 10
Twilight: 2


CLOTHING
No cloaks with high collars here, like many vampires of olde. Bill's usually wearing button down shirts, jackets or long sleeved henley tees with pants. Edward adopts the vibe of his Pacific Northwest home, opting fo casual t-shirts and jeans to complement his messy, gelled-up hairdo. Fashionable? Meh. Inconspicuous? Totally.
True Blood: 8
Twilight: 7

GOING OUTSIDE
Bill's intolerance to daylight means that his skin melts off in a gruesome fashion. Scary! But when Edward is in the sunlight, his skin sparkles like a million diamonds. Bling!
True Blood: 4
Twilight: 10

LOVE
Despite the fact that vampires aren't human – something that Bill and Edward continually remind their partners about – both seem capable of true, unwavering, loyal love with their human girlfriends. Bill fell for telepathic, outspoken waitress Sookie Stackhouse, while Edward is smitten with Bella, a high-school student who is sometimes insecure about their relationship. Still, both relationships seem built to last despite the 100+ year age difference. We don't expect to see either couple on Divorce Court.
True Blood: 10
Twilight: 9

Dancing With The Stars: Best and Worst Costumes

There are lots of reasons that Dancing With The Stars has become such a huge hit with viewers, not the least of which, I suspect, are the costumes that dancers wear each week. I mean, it's hard look away when so much color, sequins and flesh are swirling about on the dance floor.

Granted, most of the costumes are gharish at best, but I can't deny the creativity that goes into outfitting the couples each week. So, to celebrate the halfway mark on the show, I compiled a list of the best and worst costumes worn thus far:

(See a photo gallery of costumes here.)


BEST:

1. Edyta Sliwinska channeled Halle Berry's 2002 Oscar dress with her gown on March 16, which was like a DWTS version of Berry's frock. Edyta's body looked flawless in the dress, which featured a sheer bodice with strategically placed flowers (sequined of course!), and a solid black bottom.

2. Shawn Johnson's rumba dress (April 14) featured light pink, drapey chiffon over a sequined bodice. Now, it's not the best dress we've ever seen. But she looked angelic in the color and it was more flattering on Shawn's thick, muscular frame than many of the previous, more revealing styles in which she's been outfitted.

3. Julianne Hough was sophisticated in a silver-grey floor-length gown with a high neck, gorgeous, modern shoulder straps and sexy open back on March 23. Short, matching gloves with ruffle-y trim funked it up a bit without looking out of place.

4. Despite its penchant for gaudy get-ups, DWTS still manages to make Lil' Kim look much more classy than she usually does in real life. She was a lovely, elegant lady in red on March 16 in a long, sequined gown, red satin gloves and rhinestone bracelets. An up-do with subtle hair decorations completed her transformation. A real upgrade from her pasties look.

5. On March 30, Cheryl Burke and Gilles Marini looked like they could be going to a New Year's Eve party. She wore a sexy, lacy purple dress that revealed just enough skin, and Gilles was slick in a pinstriped suit and complementary purple tie.

WORST:

1. You're not alone if you are still being haunted by the fringed, Pepto Bismol pink and Big Bird yellow bra and pants montrosity worn by Julianne Hough during the March 16 early episode. If you thought it was hideous when she was merely standing there, you should have seen it when she started twirling and the thing fanned out from every angle.

2. Melissa Rycroft got the short end of the stick on her first night when she was subjected to an aqua, silky skirt and sequined nightmare of a top that looked more like a fish-catching mechanism than a piece of clothing. The worst part? It's the same outfit she's wearing in the intro to the show, so we all have to relive the pain every, single week.

3. It's hard to screw up the chiseled beauty that is Gilles Marini. But leave it to DWTS to turn a piece of eye candy into an eyesore. On March 23, Marini was dressed in a raging red, boudoir-like shirt/pants/shoes combo with a smattering of sequins. Perfect for Hugh Hefner, not for Gilles. It was hard to look at him that night – and that's a hell of an achievement.

4. Lindy hop night (March 30) was an evening of fun, invigorating dancing, but the outfits were revolting. We honestly could have filled the whole "worst" category with Mark Ballas and Shawn Johnson's sequined "athletic gear," Julianne and Chuck Wicks' diner uniforms and other atrocities. But the worst was Lacey Schwimmer's turquoise, pink and black sequined shorts-jumpsuit. Besides being gaudy and hideous – fringed leg holes and big, black hearts on each butt cheek, anyone? – it rode up so much it bordered on being obscene. The purple, Crocs-meets-orthopedic shoes were the clincher, though.

5. Two April 14 ensembles tied for this slot. First, Edyta wore a hot pink sequined bra and shorts, adorned with a strip of useless chiffon. Dangling fringe and medallions added more gaudiness to the outfit, but it was the pink legwarmer thingies – which looked more like the fake boots you get in a packaged Halloween costume – that sealed its fate on this list.
However, on this same night, Julianne and Chuck wore see-through, lingerie-like, black, sequined lace outfits. The horror! Julianne even had thigh-high stockings to complete the Frederick's of Hollywood look.

What the hell is going on?

Does the world really need Hannah Montana deodorant? I saw some at the grocery store tonight.

Also, that Burger King mascot thing was creepy enough before I saw the commercial where he's rapping about Sponge Bob's square butt.

The world is a ridiculous place sometimes.

Basketball can suck it

Confession: I'm happy that the Lady Cards made it to the final tourney game and I hope they win. But overall, college basketball season is a synonym for "My husband works all the fucking time and I never see him."

Between the men's NCAA tournament and the ridiculous brouhaha over UK's new coach, Kyle has worked 20 out of the past 21 days. If I had a miserable relationship, I'd be happy I didn't have to see him. But I miss him a lot. And I resent basketball because I simply don't give two shits about any of it. But the worst part, as I said, is that he's had to work 20 of the past 21 days. And he's been taking care of me because I've had some health stuff going on that has rendered me pretty useless for the past couple of days.

The poor thing is so burned out right now. His next day off is Friday -- his birthday -- and I'm hoping he's not too tired to enjoy it.

Thank You, VH1

So, VH1 has been running these shows all week that feature the Top 100 One-Hit Wonders from the 1980s. Now, I have a shitload of 80s pop on my iPod -- so much that I thought I could never be missing any songs that used to give me such cheesy pop pleasure back in the day.

I was wrong! I found myself jotting down all kinds of tunes that I didn't have. How could I be missing "99 Luftballoons" by Nena? "Supersonic" by JJ Fad? "Tenderness" by General Public?

Anyway, then I started reminiscing and realized I was missing tons of other tunes, too. Like Joan Jett's "Bad Reputation," "Jack & Diane" by John Mellencamp. I had no Huey Lewis & the News tunes, only two by Duran Duran and no "Footloose?" Blasphemy! No 80s playlist is complete without such things.

I have totally been living in the past. But it's been nice, because my present has been super-suckfest for the past couple of days. Now, I'm heading back over to iTunes to grab a few more songs.

April Fools! Counting Down the Top 10 TV Morons

April Fools Day is a day to play practical jokes, and in doing so, a way to celebrate folks that are dim-witted enough to fall for them. But let's face it: you can only watch a your office-mates return a call to Mr. Behr from the zoo so many times before it stops being funny.
So to further celebrate this fine, upcoming holiday of lugheads and laughter, I compiled a list of my Top 10 TV Fools.


10. Molly Malaney, The Bachelor
Honestly, the whole situation that transpired with Jason on the After the Final Rose almost seemed like a bad April Fools' prank. Sadly, it wasn't, and when Molly took him back, she seemed desperate and prideless. Geez, at least pretend you're upset to be second fiddle.

Quote: "This is something I dreamt of, but never expected to hear. ... I'd be lying if I said I was glad this wasn't happening right now."

9. Flavor Flav, Flavor of Love
On two installments of this reality show, an aesthetically-challenged, 50-year-old rapper with a penchant for wearing over-sized clock necklaces, pimp suits and Viking horns searched for true love with "ladies" in their 20s. Frankly, Flavor Flav is the class clown that never grew up.

Quote: "Yeaaaaah Boyyeeeee!"

8. Woody Boyd, Cheers
As a bartender at Cheers, it's a miracle that bumbling Boyd (Woody Harrelson) could even remember how to make a proper cocktail when simple small talk sailed far above his head. Even with his foolishness, though, he still married the daughter of a millionaire and went on to become a politician. Not that you need smarts to do that.

Quote: Sam Malone to Woody: "You know what, Woody? You just gave me something to think about." Woody: "I'm sorry Sam. I hate it when someone does that to me."

7. Michael Scott, The Office

In the world of incompetent, politically incorrect, time-wasting bosses, Scott (Steve Carell) reigns supreme. After numerous run-ins with his supervisors and his lack of leadership skills, we can't believe this idiot still has a job.

Quote: "I guess the atmosphere that I've tried to create here is that I'm a friend first, and a boss second, and probably an entertainer third."

6. Joey Tribbiani, Friends

Tribbiani (Matt LeBlanc) sleeps with a stuffed penguin named Hugsy, considers eating 15 Oreos at once as a crowning achievement and starred in a Japanese TV commercial for men's lipstick. Case closed.

Quote (on living alone):"I thought it'd be great, you know? Have some time alone with my thoughts. Turns out, I don't really have as many thoughts as you'd think."

5. Rose Nylund, The Golden Girls
With her meandering, pointless tales of life in St. Olaf, Minnesota, and her complete oblivion to everything around her, Nylund (Betty White) is incredibly endearing and entertaining. But smart? Not by a long shot.

Quote: "You know what they say: You can lead a herring to the water, but you have to walk really fast or he'll die."

4. Peter Griffin, Family Guy
Well, for starters, Peter's baby, Stewie, and dog, Brian, are both a million times smarter than him. Besides being obese and a heavy drinker, he's also a purveyor of grotesque bodily functions, loves Pauly Shore movies and treats his daughter Meg like a pariah.

Quote: "I'm going to microwave a bagel and have sex with it. "

3. Chrissy Snow, Three's Company
Snow is the textbook definition of a dumb blonde, all the way down to her uncontrollable snorts during laughter. But she's got another loveable side: She makes astute observations from time to time –- but without knowing she's doing it, of course.

Quote: "This breakfast is good enough to eat!"

2. George Costanza, Seinfeld
Costanza lived at home with his parents, was chronically unemployed, and his most successful day was when he did the opposite of all his instincts. But the icing on the cake: When he flew all the way to Akron, Ohio, to insult a guy who'd demeaned him at a meeting, and ended up being the butt of the joke. Again. Constanza is the real jerk store here.

Quote: "My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter, I was raised to give up. It's one of the few things I do well."

1. Beavis/Butthead, Beavis & Butt-head

Without a doubt, these two are the biggest morons to ever hit TV. Their conversations are made up of banal music commentary and bathroom humor, interspersed with their signature laugh, "heh-heh-heh."

Quotes: Beavis: "My name is Cornholio. I need T.P. for my bunghole." Butt-head: "This sucks more than anything has ever sucked before."

... And she had rage in her eyes ...

I woke up in a really good mood today. I got to sleep in, the house was totally clean, I received all my new nursery stuff yesterday, and my mom sent a gift card to buy our new crib. (Thanks, mom!)

So I headed over to Target with my gift card and a big smile. While I was there, I saw the cutest little baby outfits on sale for $5, so I grabbed a couple. It just kept getting better.

I got up front and paid for my stuff, and then had to wait while they brought the crib from the stockroom so I chatted a bit with the teenaged girl at the register.

She said she loved baby clothes, and proceeded to tell me that she had a newborn daughter and a 3-year-old son. Of course, I congratulated her on her newborn and she talked a little more about her kids.

There was a pause, and then she said to me, "So are these things a gift for your new grandchild?"

And at that moment, I had my first bout with pregnancy-induced rage. There was no gradual stewing that happened... I went from cheerful to GO FUCK YOURSELF in .5 seconds. I think I have only ever been that pissed off/hurt three or four times in my life, and they all were results of too much alcohol consumption.

Maybe to her young ass, I looked like an old hag. Or maybe in her redneck yokel family, everyone is a grandmother by their mid-30s. But neither of those things changed the fact that I wanted to CLIMB OVER THE COUNTER AND CRUSH IN HER FUCKING SKULL.

But in my pregnant state, I was not agile enough to reach over and JAM THE HANGERS FROM THE BABY OUTFITS INTO HER WHORISH EYE SOCKETS.

I know, I'm not 25 anymore, but a grandmother??????

So I just replied, "No. And I think I'll wait over here."

See? I'm already a good mother. Holding my temper means that Nicholas will not be born in jail. But I better not see that girl later this summer...

Extreme Denial

You know how you denial works. It can make you think ridiculous, often deranged things, like:

-- These Easter-sized candy bars are soooo small; I might as well eat 5 or 6 of them. I'll just walk an extra 10 minutes on the treadmill. Or not.

-- Watching Rock of Love Bus and Bad Girls Club is a totally worthwhile use of my time.

-- I might as well buy this expensive handbag because I'm totally going to win the Powerball on Wednesday, so I'll be able pay it off immediately.

But my biggest, most recent denial has beeen in regards to my shoes. Many of my child-bearing friends have said that at some point in my pregnancy, my shoes would probably stop fitting for a while.

Fuck that, I thought. My feet know better than to deprive me of my very favorite accessory in the world. All my baby bulkiness has thankfully gone right where it's supposed to (belly) and nowhere else. I wanted to at least keep wearing cute shoes. A girl has to feel fancy somehow, right? I could even live with wearing my fun, colorful flats/sandals for the sake of comfort.

So I was unprepared yesterday, when my black patent strappy sandals were too tight. And by tight, I mean after three hours (of sitting at my desk, not even walking around), they were buried in the top of my feet.

I changed into my sparkly flip-flops for the rest of the day. And then when I got home and wanted to walk the dogs, my freakin' tennis shoes felt snug.

What the fuck is this?, I thought. I've been walking and drinking water and doing yoga, partly for health, and partly in hopes that this would not happen.

I'll tell you what this is. It's the beginning of me wearing Mary Jane style Crocs and sandals -- I bought them today -- for the next three or so months. Flip-flops are OK, but they don't have enough arch support for all the running around I do for work.

See ya later, pride.

TV Throwdown: Who Is More Annoying? Octo-Mom Vs. Bachelor Dad

Let's cut to the chase. I am so totally sick of seeing The Bachelor's Jason Mesnick and Nadya Suleman (aka Octo-Mom) on TV that I'm considering reading more books, just so I don't accidentally have to watch another repetitive interview in HD.

Both parties claim they're not out for attention, but neither seems to be fading into the sunset. So, who's the most annoying of the omnipresent pair? Glad you asked. We pitted them against each other to find out. (Remember, a point in someone's favor means they're more annoying, so the winner here is really the loser.)

TV APPEARANCES:
Jason is not only The Bachelor's first dad, he's the only to require a second After the Final Rose update program. Since that time, we've witnessed him spew his Melissa apologies to Ellen Degeneres, Bonnie Hunt and on Extra, to name just a few. Plus, every other television entertainment show seems to have daily tidbits about him and/or his two ladies.
Nadya is on her post-procreation publicity tour, sitting down almost daily with news magazines, filming segments for The Insider and more. On Tuesday night alone, she was on Dr. Phil, Inside Edition, Entertainment Tonight (twice in a 30 minute show!) and Extra. I actually had dreams about her that night.
Kill me now.
Octo-Mom: 1
Bachelor Dad: 0

MAGAZINE COVERS:
Of course, magazine covers depend on the week's happenings. And with the whole Chris Brown/Rihanna thing going on, both Jason and Nadya have been mostly relegated to inside stories. But Jason's mug was front on center (with Molly) on People magazine, and he makes the cover of this week's Us Weekly (with ex-fiance Melissa Rycroft) as well. (Octo-Mom gets a small cover photo and tease on the same issue.)
Octo-Mom:1
Bachelor Dad: 1


PARENTING ABILITY:
Jason is billed as a single father, but he shares custody of Ty 50-50 with his ex-wife. So that's a two-to-one parent ratio, and a marriage to Molly would make three parental units. We are slightly concerned about Jason letting Ty's tantrums rule the roost, but at least he has a job and a stable home.
Nadya, who already had six kids, is unemployed, on food stamps and soliciting donations on her website to help raise her 14 children.
She recently accepted an offer of free, round-the-clock nurses worth $135K a month, and her dad just bought her a new house. But she clearly cannot care for 14 children (many with health concerns) alone — and they are what's important here. When one of her six older children expressed depression and sadness over the new family sitch, she "held him for 10 minutes, and he held me back, and that's all he needed." Or is that just all you had time for, SuperMom?)
Octo-Mom: 2
Bachelor Dad: 1


REALITY SHOWS:
Thanks to reality TV, Jason has gone from the broken-hearted dad from The Bachelorette, to perhaps the most popular Bachelor ever, to arguably the biggest jackass who has ever been on either show. We never found him that compelling on either program, but we can't deny his public appeal.
At first, Octo-Mom reportedly turned down the free nurses because they wouldn't allow her to film a reality show. However, she will now be doing "reality show" segments for The Insider and already has a daily video blog for Radar Online. (TMZ also reports Nadya was offered a million bucks to do porn. There's no word on her decision, but we hope she agrees that her lady parts have seen enough activity to last several lifetimes.)
Still, reality shows are why we even know who Jason is.
Octo-Mom: 2
Bachelor Dad: 2

MENTAL STABILITY:
Besides the fact that he's wishy-washy, Jason is a freaking tear factory. I've had crazy pregnancy hormones for almost six months, and I've cried less in that time than Jason in one TV appearance. Kleenex should hire him as an official spokesperson.
Octo-Mom — who, at first glace, should be the one bawling her eyes out — seems to remain in a state of eternal, calm bliss. Listen, lady: If Jon and Kate are frazzled over their 8 kids in their $1.3 million dollar home, you should be freaking the hell out right now. She's also reportedly offered to sell the video of her octo-birth to the highest bidder. Um, gross.
Perhaps her recently-departed publicist said it best: "This woman is nuts."
Ya think?
Octo-Mom: 3
Bachelor Dad: 2

Bottom line: Eventually the fervor for The Bachelor will die down – it always does – and for that, we cannot wait. But we anticipate constant updates on Nadya's children/mothering skills/parents/dating life, etc. for years to come – particularly if she keeps getting paid for her stories. Being a media whore has become her meal ticket.
We totally care about the welfare of the children, but good grief. Octo-Mom and the media need a nice, long vacation from one another.

Top 10 Unforgettable Reality TV Moments

So, we're totally sick of The Bachelor Jason Mesnick and his love triangle of indecision. But it is, perhaps, the most interesting thing to ever happen in the history of the show.... which got us thinking about other reality show happenings that are etched in our memory for all eternity.

We present our Top 10 Unforgettable Reality Show Moments:

10. Vicki gets crushed in the head with a football
If you've ever watched The Real Housewives of Orange County, then you probably think Vicki is totally annoying. Between her incessant "woo-hoos!," the micro-management of her grown children and her obsession with her laptop – even when she's out with friends – it's hard not to want to smack her. So this past season, when she was on a boat with friends and was accidentally smashed in the head with heavy, water-soaked football, we chuckled a little. OK, a lot. It's been a long time coming.

9. Santino channels Tim Gunn
Part of the fun of watching Project Runway is seeing the designers chat/bicker/clown around in the work room. But we think former contestant Santino Rice's dead-on impersonations of mentor Tim Gunn were classic. Santino perfected Tim's speech patterns, enunciation and voice. Highlights: "Where's Andrae?" and his Tim Gunn rendition of Nine Inch Nails' "Closer to God."

8. Ruthie goes to rehab
Today, there are reality shows based on people seeking recovery for their addictions. But usually, watching people get ridiculously drunk on TV has been par for the course. So when housemates on The Real World: Hawaii sent roommate Ruthie to rehab in 1999 after a string of crazy incidents (she had passed out in bars, performed table dances for her boss' wife, required the help of paramedics, etc.), it was a big deal in reality TV history. Probably even a first.

7. Tyra's meltdown
Tyra Banks is known for many things: Looking great in underwear, being a decent entrepreneur and acting goofy to the point of extreme embarrassment. So to see Tyra become completely enraged at an ungrateful, contrary contestant on season four of America's Next Top Model was unforgettable. We've seen less screeching after a Maury Povich paternity test gone bad.

6. Omarosa vs. Janice Dickinson
Well, what else besides war is going to happen when you put two mega-bitch celebrities with huge egos in the same house? Omarosa: "I feel sorry for her children." Janice: "She looks like Rick James' Siamese twin." They called each other crackheads throughout the program, and with their antics, you really didn't even need to see any of the other cast members.

5. Tanisha's wake-up call
After Tanisha's roommates kept her up all night on Bad Girls Club, she got up bright and early, went to the kitchen in her nightgown and got some big, thick baking pans. She then paraded around to all the girls' rooms – who were asleep with hangovers – and smashed the cooking tools together like symbals. "Get the f*** up!! This is what's going to go on all motherf******* day! " Immature? Yes. Worth rewinding? Definitely.

4. Jessica Simpson, Chicken of the Sea
From Newlyweds: Jessica Simpson (to then-hubby Nick Lachey): "Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish? I know it's tuna, but it says chicken. (pause) By the sea. Is that stupid?" (Nick just stares at her, then shakes his head.)
Nick: "You act like you've never had tuna before."
Jessica: "Why is it called chicken by the sea, or in the sea?"
Nick: "Chicken of the Sea is the brand."
Jessica: "Oh .... I read it wrong."

3. Tattooing tales – a tie
Everyone knows that getting spontaneous tattoos after a few drinks is an excellent idea. So tied for third place, we have: Heather from Rock of Love, who tattooed Bret Michaels' name on the back of her neck during a date. (He dumped her soon after, natch.)
And also, three morons from Tool Academy, decided had the show's logo emblazoned on their bodies. The trio of fools ridiculed the one guy who didn't follow suit. His response: "I thought we were supposed to be progressing and not doing toolish things. I think a Tool Academy tattoo is definitely toolish."

2. Mini Me gets naked and pees
After drinking more than an average-sized adult probably should on The Surreal Life, an inebriated Verne Troyer climbs on to his scooter naked, and motors into the exercise room. He pees in the corner on the carpet, and you can totally hear the audio of the urine splashing up off the floor. At one point, in mid-stream, Troyer just stares blankly at the camera man. It's totally disturbing.

1. The legendary loogie
Many classy things went down on Flavor of Love, but perhaps the grossest occurance was the spitball heard round the world. During an elimination round, Pumkin hurled a big, thick lunger at which landed on the face of fellow contestant New York.

Five thoughts for Sunday

1. Ladies, don't you hate it when, after getting your hair colored, your scalp is so itchy and dry from the scrubbing it gets to efficiently remove all the last remnants of dye? I feel like I'm in a Head & Shoulders commercial, minus the white flecks on the shoulder of my black shirt.

2. Watching TV series on DVD is possibly the best thing I've ever done. Otherwise, there's just no way I'd ever get to watch a million seasons of The Sopranos so long after the series started/ended. (Watch The Wire on DVD if you never did when it was on the air! It's perhaps the best crime drama ever.)

3. Everytime I clean out my keyboard, I am amazed at how freakin' COLD those bottles of compressed air get.

4. Is there anything cuter than two dogs spooning on the couch?

5. Besides his bizarre public masturbation habits, Miles (our cat) also likes to take showers. On weekends, after about 8 a.m., he starts whining for someone to get up and take one. (He's doing that now.)
When he's showering, sometimes he just sticks his head in through the side, other times, he gets into the tub and fully soaks himself. He's been doing for 13 years, since he was a kitten.
Also, for those of you who don't know, Miles also has a buck tooth. Total freak show.

Super-boredom strikes

Yep, another survey from Facebook. I'm officially almost as big an asshole as David Caruso for even filling this out ... on a Friday night, no less.


Three Other Names I have been called:
1. Maze
2. Hotts or Hottie (my friend Elana calls me these)
3. Slut or pussy (Terms of endearment with some of my other girlfriends. We like to swear. So what?)

Three jobs I have had in my life:
1. Hardware slinger
2. Jockstrap launderer at a fitness club
3. Babysitter of bubble skirts and mega-bangles (current)

Three Places I have lived:
1. Salem, OR
2. Freeport, IL
3. Spokane, WA

Three TV shows that I watch:
1. True Blood
2. Big Love
3. United States of Tara

Three places I have been:
1. Tulum, Mexico
2. Mount Rushmore
3. Dominican Republic

Three of my favorite foods:
1. Spicy red pepper hummus
2. Scallops
3. Cupcakes

Three people I think will respond:
1. Bored
2. Boreder
3. Boredest

Three things I am looking forward to:
1. Finishing a fiction novel
2. Maternity leave from work
3. Raising a son that doesn't behave like he was raised by wolves, video games or TV.

Three things that aggravate you:
1. When there aren't enough yellow and green pieces in a box of Dots
2. 80 percent of people
3. Bangs in my eyes

Three musicians/bands you could listen to forever:
1. Prince
2. A Tribe Called Quest
3. Wu-Tang Clan

Three things you want to do better:
1. Stick to an exercise routine
2. Read instead of watching crappy TV shows
3. Own plants without killing them

Shootings, missing money and death by cupcakes

Today, as I stood in one of my work parking lots with my friend/collegue, Reem, this uplifting situation was going on in another Courier-Journal parking lot across the street. How freakin' depressing.

(And yes, I just linked to my husband's job's website because ours hasn't been updated with any current information since before noon, even though this happened on our property.)

So anyway, the guy died underneath one of my co-worker's SUVs. I bet she had fun driving home tonight.

Also, the hubs and me have been expecting our income tax refund -- the one with our awesome first-time homebuyer's deductions -- for weeks now. When it didn't drop in again today, we called the IRS to check in. They said they hadn't even received our tax return yet. Apparently, some filing glitch happened along the way. I'm having to take furlough days without pay and we're trying to put together a nursery! I want the extra dough now!

Finally, I left work early today because I was having a lot of pain in a scar that I have from a botched surgery from years ago. I also felt a little sad, so when I got home, I ate some bite-sized, frosted brownies from Whole Foods. And by "some," I mean six. The baby needs frosting to grow big and strong!

Now, I have a different, frosting-overload-related stomach pain.

Tomorrow is my much-needed haircut/color/eyebrow arch, however, so I expect to feel like a new person. A new, happy person who only eats two mini-cupcakes at a time instead of six. Also, I should exercise.

Happy Friday!

Five Questions

1. Is it warped to wish herpes or explosive diarrhea upon people who piss you off if you immediately feel guilty about having the thought?

2. When the HGTV people redo a kitchen in a half-hour show, why do I think I can do the same thing with the same results?

3. Do you think that '24' has the smallest wardrobe allowance of any other television show? Those people wear the same clothes in every episode. (A whole season is only a day long, after all.)

4. Who are bigger assholes: People who always wear sunglasses inside and at night? Or folks who feel the need to throw a peace sign (or some other hand signal) in every, single photograph?

5. Am I shallow for believing that my mood will improve 200 percent at 9:30 a.m. Saturday, when I am getting a much-needed haircut and color? I feel raggedy.

TV Throwdown: Kim Kardashian vs.Paris Hilton

Oh, to be famous for having no talent whatsoever. It can score you loads of publicity, modeling contracts and even your own reality show. And no two Hollywood lovelies fit the no-skills-besides-being-pretty decription better than former best friends Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian.
So with a new season of "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" slated for 10 p.m.
Sunday on E!, and Paris' "My New BFF" in the not-so-distant rearview mirror, it seemed like the perfect time for a celebrity catfight...TV Throwdown style.

"ACTING"
Kim has one Razzie award nomination for her supporting role in "Disaster Movie." But since 2006, Paris has won four Razzies: two worst supporting actress, one worst actress and one for worst screen couple. Kim has a lot more on-screen damage to do before she catches up, so she wins this round.
Kim: 1
Paris: 0

HAIRDOS
Call me shallow, but hair -- especially on two young celebs -- is important. While both ladies appear to use extensions from time to time, Paris scores points for actually changing her look, and earns extra credit for each of those looks being flattering. As a celeb, Kim probably has the funds to do whatever she wants with her tresses, but never seems to stray from her long, flowy locks. Kim has hair, but Paris has hair style.
Kim: 1
Paris: 1

FASHION SENSE
Man, I don't know. Kim's curve-hugging ensembles range from semi-classy to overly-boobalicious. She has such a beautiful shape; classic hourglass figures are so rare these days among all the praying mantis-type Hollywood physiques. But sometimes, more (clothing) is ... more.
Bless her scrawny, bird-legged little heart, but has there been a time when Paris wore something that was long enough to graze her knees? Her too-short frocks often reveal her preference for going commando. No panties in the tabloids = major fashion faux pas. Also, she topped Mr. Blackwell's worst-dressed list in 2003. And finally, it's hard for me to trust a person whose thighs don't touch.
Kim: 2
Paris: 1

SEX TAPE SCANDALS
Both ladies noticed a sharp rise in fame after being featured in sex tapes. Since we have no desire to see said videos, we'll judge this category on their romping partners.
Paris' dude, Rick Salomon, was best-known for being married to Shannen Doherty. Kim's accomplice, Ray-J, was famous for being R&B singer Brandy's little brother. Way to go, ladies! You'd think if you were going to tape sex, it'd be with someone awesome like Brad Pitt or Denzel Washington. There are no winners here.
Kim: 2
Paris: 1

REALITY SHOWS
With a bizarre menagerie of family members (which includes her "I Still Think I'm 30" mother, Kris; her over-plastic surgeried step-dad, Bruce Jenner; and constantly-bickering-then-making-up siblings), "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" is rarely packed with filler.
We found "The Simple Life" installations fairly entertaining. However, as hard as we tried, we couldn't make it through a single episode of Paris' "My New BFF." I mean, Paris is supposed to be a celebrity, but she's shopping for a new best friend via a reality show cast? Really? Still, Paris has a slew of reality shows under her belt, so someone must want to watch her.
Kim: 2
Paris: 2

FRIENDS
It's no wonder Paris is searching for a new best friend. She's had public feuds with several of her former besties, including Nicole Ritchie and Kardashian. On an L.A. radio show, Paris said "I would not want (Kim's butt) -- it's gross. It reminds me of cottage cheese inside a big trash bag." We have no recollection of Kim making any disparaging public remarks about her friends, unless provoked. Her response to Paris' remark: "I don't really care. At least I have a butt." Touche.
But Paris goes through friends like most people herself not included go through underwear (herself not included). Who wants walk on eggshells like that?
Kim: 3
Paris: 2

Bottom line: Paris too often comes off as a self-serving, back-stabbing rich girl that makes few contributions to society. (And no, her horrible go at singing doesn't count, even if it was pure comedy.) It's not like Kim is curing cancer or anything, but at least she knows more words than "that's hot." Overall, Kim seems more humble and likeable as a person. Plus, I like big butts and I can not lie.

Disturbia

Five Disturbing Things That Are On My Mind:


1. Signs in each of our bathroom stalls at work recently popped up, and I don't even want to think about what prompted them. They say something like, "If you have an accident, please clean it up as best you can for the next person."

What the fuck does this mean? That grown women cannot manage to do their business in the toilet? So often that a sign is required? Man, people are nasty.

2. I am a turtle. The more pregnant I get, the harder it is for me to get up from a reclining position without rolling around a bunch to gather enough momentum. If the phone rings and it's across the room, I probably won't get there before voice mail picks up. It sucks.

3. New iPod. I'm freakin' obsessed with it! Sadly, much of the music we had on our computer was lost some years ago when an apartment flood wiped it out. So I've been ripping CDs like a madperson and organizing my tunes like a champ. It's so much better than my old mp3 player! I recently got a voice mail from my best friend, Wendy: "You haven't called me back. Are you all cracked out on that iPod?!" Um, yes.

4. My cat is masturbating right this minute. I mean, get a room, Miles. Geez.

5. The Rocky Mountain News published its last issue today. A very well-done, but sad, video called "Final Edition" is posted here. I will no longer complain about the puny raises we get this year (1 percent or so), which are more than negated by the furlough days we're being forced to take. At least I still get a paycheck.

Celebrity Apprentice Dream Team

When the cast for The Celebrity Apprentice 2 (premieres 9 p.m. Sunday on NBC) was announced, I felt pretty 'meh' about it. A few notable and current names are on board -- Joan Rivers, for instance -– but in most cases, the program easily be called Long Lost Celebrities Are Out Of Work And Need Exposure. But that's kind of a long title, so I'll forgive NBC for trying to make it more user-friendly.

Anyway, I realize people like Angelina Jolie and Sean Penn have bigger fish to fry than to appear on this show. But isn't there a happy medium somewhere? That's why we've come up with 10 stars we'd like to see on The Celebrity Apprentice.



Rosie O'Donnell
Yeah, yeah, I know about her history with host Donald Trump. But being a successful business person depends on one's ability to broker deals with people, even if you hate their guts. Rosie's an accomplished actress and talk show host, but she's also showed some entrepreneurial fortitude in writing, starring in and co-producing the Lifetime movie America (which premieres at 9 p.m. Saturday on the network). Also, her participation on this show, years after her huge public blowout with The Donald, would make it infinitely interesting.



Kanye West
While immensely talented, this man is known for throwing a fit when he doesn't win every music award for which he's nominated. His tantrums would make for some good television, but the process also might teach him some much-needed humility as well.











Paula Abdul
With the addition of Kara DioGuardi to American Idol, there has been speculation that crazy Paula might be out of a job soon. If she won, perhaps they could give her a real job, instead of donating money to her charity? Just sayin'.












Tina Fey
She's smart enough to win and creative enough to give an interesting twist to challenges. Plus, a sharp mind and quick wit certainly go a long way when dealing with people. Also, with 30 Rock she's already in bed with NBC. Certainly they could lend her to another show for a bit.









Spencer Pratt
We hate to acknowledge that this prickly layabout is even a celebrity, but he's higher on the fame food chain than current Apprentice contestants like poker player Annie Duke or Playboy Playmate Brande Roderick. We nominate him because he's able to sell his b.s. to his fiancée, Heidi Montag, all day and night. But does he have enough motivation, pull and persuasion skills to come out on top? Either way, we'd love to actually see this guy work for once.







Michael Phelps
You know, we're really tired of hearing about the horror of this incredible Olympic athlete taking a couple of bong hits. (Sheesh -- he just won 8 Olympic gold medals! Give the guy a break.) So, we'd love to see him redeem his public reputation on this show, so that his recent scandal can quietly be swept under the rug.





Kiefer Sutherland
Kiefer has said in interviews that filming 24 is ridiculously stressful. But on the show, he's charged with solving problems in record time and coming up with alternatives when Plan A goes awry. Let's see how much the actor has learned from his character.










Tim Gunn
Honestly, this choice is for my own personal satisfaction. If Project Runway remains in limbo forever, how will I get my Tim Gunn fix? Surely, he knows how these reality contests operate. He could make it work.











Whoopi Goldberg
Before she was famous, Whoopi worked as bricklayer and at a funeral parlor, so she's had "real jobs" before. Besides adding a level head and comic relief to the contest, Whoopi is confident an Improv genius, making her adaptable to any speed bump that comes her way. Her laid-back personality practically ensures she won't come unglued and make an ass of herself. That's nice to see in celebrities sometimes.







Bridget Marquardt
No celeb reality show is complete without a woman who's graced the pages of Playboy. But of The Girls Next Door, Bridget is the one who also boasts a brain behind her giggly exterior. She's got a bachelor's degree in public relations, a masters on communications and is working on another master's degree in broadcast journalism. Plus, she loves horror movies, so seeing Trump's hair in person shouldn't phase her one bit.