Ranking the Rock of Love girls

The only thing that’s more shameful than being addicted to the three different seasons of Poison frontman Bret Michaels’ dating show, Rock of Love is the notoriety and “fame” that has been bestowed on several of the skanks who competed for his love.
We’re not talking Angelina Jolie-type fame or anything, but VH1 loves resurrecting former dating show contestants and placing them in other competition shows such as I Love Money (a co-ed contest to win money) and Charm School (a program that tries to teach scruples and manners to rough women from its dating shows).
Here, we rank the top five notorious personalities that rejected by Bret Michaels, but not by American TV viewers. And for fun, we’ve paired them with an applicable Poison hit.

5. Brandi Cunningham, "I Want Action"
With a soft-spoken baby voice, Brandi captured attention by calling a scar on her face “a disability,” calling her cat “a human,” and stating that her breast implants were the best birthday present she’d ever received from her parents. After participating what appeared to be a foursome with Bret, Lacey and Heather, she was dismissed from the first season show. But that wasn’t the end of Brandi.
In addition to parts in I Love Money and Charm School, Brandi also went on to do an adult film under an alias. She’s slated to have a role in Megan Hauserman’s new reality show, Trophy Wife as well.

4. Lacey Connor – “Talk Dirty to Me”
Not only did Lacey talk dirty to her fellow contestants, she played dirty as well. Of all the seasons’ ladies, Lacey was the biggest back stabber, instigator and villain that we’ve seen. She always promised to push other contestants to their breaking points, and was partially responsible for getting her “friends” kicked off the show by using personal information against them. Which is probably why she kept getting invited back to terrify contestants in subsequent seasons.
Lacey continued her reign of terror on Charm School, and even though she expressed (fake) remorse for her actions, Sharon Osbourne gave her the boot.

3. Daisy de la Hoya, "Sexual Thing"
It's not like we've committed every ep from ROL2 to memory. But here's what I remember about Daisy's relationship with Bret: Not much. The conversation was always vapid, and when Bret asked Daisy questions, she was about as coherent at Paula Abdul on American Idol. He’d complain about the mediocre chats with Daisy during his confessional monologues, but he’d always end them with "but she's smokin' hot!" Even after she confessed she still lived in a one-bedroom apartment with her ex-boyfriend, Bret was able to overlook it.
Clearly, his big connection with her was in his groin.
Now that Daisy has her own show, she is a little more articulate. But we still don't really understand why she, of all people, was the one to get a show.

2. Megan Hauserman, "Fallen Angel"
At first glance, lovely, angelic Megan is nothing more than a dumb, innocent blonde with a perfect body, a collection of bikinis and a few dozen brain cells. But after watching her on ROL, two installations of I Love Money, and Charm School, we all know better. She plays it cool with fellow competitors, but is a master manipulator behind the scenes, using her body and/or innocent act to her advantage.
Her true colors always shine through, but usually after she’s gotten pretty far in each competition. Now, VH1 is giving her her own dating show, Trophy Wife, scheduled to air this summer. We expect her to show up with her tiny dog, a suitcase full of bikinis and an evil little grin.

1. Heather Chadwell – “Look What the Cat Dragged In”
We admit it: During the first season of Rock of Love, we thought it could get no worse than Heather. She was loud, obnoxious, skankalicious and had the biggest hair we've seen since 1987. Her idea of a classy evening gown involved cheap, pleather scraps of material that covered little more than what was required for TV. And then she was stupid enough to get Bret's name tattooed across the back of her neck during a one-on-one date.
In the end, she didn't win Bret's heart, but the season one runner-up returned in subsequent seasons to help the rocker vet his new crop of women. Heather got into physical altercations with Daisy (during season two’s finale show) and Brittanya (Rock of Love Bus). Of course, we’ve also seen Heather in I Love Money and Charm School.
And we confess: She's grown on us over that time, if not simply for proving that there were tons more people more offensive than her. She was just warming us up for what was to come, and she wanted to kick their asses, too.

I love my momma!

Mom with Archie and Lucy at the park



Mom and Archie



Swingin'!



Mom and I, Dec. 2008


Happy Mother's Day to the person who inspires me every day. She is fun and smart and cool and I love her times ten million.

Stupid signs

Today I was driving home and saw a sign up at a Valvoline oil change place that said, "Now hiring great people!"

Really? Doesn't that go without saying? You never see a sign that says: "Now hiring total assholes!"

Seriously.

I Need A Wheelchair: A Series of Haiku About Being Stupid

This is a follow-up to yesterday's post.

I should have known, when
Idris Elba tweeted re:
his music at six.

Nobody at the
racetrack during Derby
would do that. Red flag.

Still, I believed he
would show up at Grand Gala,
honor commitments.

I went. I milled around.
But mostly, sat and waited.
And waited. Waited.

Of course, he did not
come. We left early. We parked
close, one block away.

But it already
had been too much for my bod.
I'm freakin' totaled.

My feet, still throbbing,
are swollen. They tingle up
to my calves. It sucks.

Baby Nick, your mom
is not a trooper. She's dumb.
Over an actor.

I should send him a
bill for my dress, shoes. Along
with middle finger.

But I will settle
for the moment when I see
Idris on Lifetime.

"Obsessed" is surely
bound for that channel sometime
in the next two years.

Normally, this would
not bug me. But it was too
much effort, no reward.

Derby Day feels weird without the stress

Since I moved here six years ago, today is the only Derby day that I haven't been completely exhausted and totally stressed out about the rest of the weekend.

It's kind of nice.

Normally, I spend 7-8 hours going to and/or covering parties on Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights -- out until 4 a.m. each time. Then I go into the office the following day to write everything up. I grab a few hours of sleep here and there, but mostly, it's just a cycle of getting all gussied up, celebrity spotting and being around a bunch of drunks, then writing.

But thanks to my growing belly, extreme fatigue and the discomfort of standing up for more than 30 minutes of a time, the bosses have spared me any track or party duty this year.

And baby Nicholas and I would like to thank them for that. I went to a media event and another party on Thursday night with Kyle, Javacia and Edd. I got to sit down at both the whole time at both of them and was home by 11:30 or so. And still, when I went into work on Friday, I felt like I got hit by a truck. Seriously. There's no way I could hack party coverage anyway.

Tonight, though, I'm giving one more feeble attempt at enjoying Derby while 30 weeks pregs. I'm heading to the Grand Gala -- the one party I have covered every, single year without fail -- with Kyle. As a regular person, not a reporter. I will drink water sitting down the whole time, stay only a few hours and be fatigued all day tomorrow.

Since all the celebs are the same this year, I had no interest in going to the Gala until I found out Idris Elba was coming. I'm a huge fan of The Wire. So while I won't interview him, I might get to check him out. I guesss that makes me kind of a loser, but oh well.

Plus, now I can tell Nick that his old-ass mother was a trooper and took him to his first Derby events at -9 weeks old. And I can sleep in tomorrow.