Project Runway: Wearing New York City

Three episodes into "Project Runway," it's safe to say that this season has the highest concentration of annoying designers and head accessories.

Emily loves to tie really long headbands around her head over the top her hair. (Hey Emily, the Solid Gold dancers called; they want their costumes back.) Keith, meanwhile, ties a thick bandanna around his dome -- he's like the white, gay, Mormon version of Tupac. On the bright side, though, Kenley's fun accessories (all manner of clip-in flowers, feathers and jewels) are working for her.

And as it turns out, the trio's taste in head adornments translated into the kinds of outfits they'd make later on.

The designers' challenge was to create a look for a night on the town, based on different parts of Manhattan at night. To find their inspiration, they slipped on their ponchos and galoshes for a wet and rainy ride atop a double decker bus. They got off in various areas of town, took tons of photos and then chose one to be the driving force behind their garments.

After they picked up their supplies, they were back in the sewing room to create and to unleash their inner morons.

I keep thinking Suede's third-person talking will stop bothering me so much and eventually morph into the jumbled voices of the Peanuts parents. No such luck. "Suede is here to rock it! Suede's decided on working with a shirt dress silhouette. Suede's giving little flecks of color which goes back to my inspirational photo." Suede should put his lips under the sewing machine needle and press the foot pedal.

As a Washington native, I really wanted to root for Blayne, but that ship sailed after the first episode. He's just to much of a tool. Last night, he wondered "Is there any tanning salons down here?," he made weirdo psycho faces at Kenley before threatening to eat her, and told Tim Gunn, "Holla at cha boy."

With a totally serious look on his face, Gunn replied, "Holler at your boy? What does that mean? I don't get it." Oh, bless you, Tim Gunn.

In comparison to these asshats, Stella's broken-record talk of "leatha" and rock and roll didn't bother me as much this week. But she did win the award for noisiest project when she used a mallet to repeatedly pound grommets into her fabric.

On the runway, the Headwear Trio were among the six with the highest and lowest scores.

Keith turned in a shapeless frock made of floppy fabric squares. "When she walked by, it literally looked like toilet paper caught in a windstorm," Michael Kors said.

Emily's monstrosity looked like the model's breasts barfed up a mess of sunset-colored ruffles. And Jennifer's dress, based on a clock, was so boring I don't even want to describe it.

Meanwhile, Terri's graffiti-inspired, backless dress, worn over flared pants was a hit, as was Leanne's chic skirt and top ensemble, which she based on a tree planter grate.

In the end, though, Kenley's creation, which Kors deemed an "80s Joan Collins power bitch dress," took the top prize. I thought it looked like the model had a giant boil growing out of her hip, but what do I know?

Emily got the boot. Auf Wiedersehen, Em! Tell Marilyn McCoo we said hello.

Must See TV Products

I probably love TV as much as, er, more than the next person. But even I was surprised at the funny-bordering-on-bizarre merchandise I discovered when I started poking around online.

Our inspiration for the treasure hunt began with this fleece blanket from "General Hospital," which features a map of Port Charles. "My God," I thought. "This is going to come in so handy! Now I can figure out exactly where Jax landed after he parachuted out of that airplane to try and get to his meeting on time!"

Next, we found a "Desperate Housewives"-inspired apron, which is made of bridal lace and crepe satin and allows the wearer to "serve with grace." (Although for the steep $120 price tag, you kind of wish it would prepare the appetizers and sangrias for you as well.)

Anyway, the point is, this search just kept getting better and better. Here are my top 10 favorite things.

1. "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" women's tool set
Women rejoice! We are finally free to mount a wall shelf or replace a light switch cover, thanks to the ABC tear-jerker and its pink tool kit, which features "all of the necessary tools that any woman would need to help her around the house." Because everybody knows that women have no business using the big, scary tools with black handles from The Home Depot.

2. "Flavor of Love" clock
Flavor Flav has long been a fashion icon, what with his Viking hat, his chic gold fronts and massive collection of wall clocks on a chain. Just when you think you could never achieve his classic, elegant look, your prayers have been answered. Next stop: Vogue!

3. "Prison Break" stationary
Nothing is more intimidating than a note scrawled on Fox River State Penitentiary paper. It's great for subtle threats at work ("Priscilla: Please file the TPS reports immediately or there's just no telling what might happen.") or at home ("John: "The last person who forgot to put the toilet seat down may or may not have lived to tell about it.")

4. "Battlestar Galactica" toaster
Is there anything better than an early morning egg, bacon and cheese sandwich? Glad you asked. How about that delicious breakfast sandwich served on two pieces of Cylon toast?

5. "Dexter" bobblehead
If you work in an office, you might spend parts of your day wishing people would get the heck out of your cubicle. This ought to do it. It's one thing to like the Showtime series, but it's another to have a bloody, knife-wielding, demented-looking Bobblehead as a desk decoration.

6. "The Biggest Loser" socks
After years of battling myself to go to the gym at 6 a.m., I finally found the inspirational tool that will get me out of bed to exercise. This $8 pair of footies with "The Biggest Loser" logo. Jillian's hardcore verbal abuse is sold separately.

7."Grey'sAnatomy" surgeon cap
Serious doctors must be beating a path to buy this capworn by fake doctors on TV. The domepiece features show's logo and promises "the signature quality of the Grey's surgeons." Because having the quality of, say, the Mayo Clinic would be so second-rate.

8. "The Simpsons" bikini
You'll be the envy of Springfield, U.S.A. in this Duff Beer swimsuit which says "Just Can't Get Enough!" on the back side of the bikini bottoms. And the best news? A two-piece suit leaves plenty of room for your impending beer gut. Woo-hoo!

9. "Ugly Betty" poncho
Take Martha Stewart's prison poncho, drag it through a box of Crayolas and a hit TV show, and what have you got? A somewhat expensive gag gift. I mean, we love Betty and all, but the her 'ugly' moniker is not some strange coincidence, like Gary Busey's appearance on Celebrity Rehab.

10. "The Ghost Whisperer" engraved iPod
Seriously? People really love this show enough to want a $329 engraved iPod featuring Melinda Gordon? We must be totally out of touch.

Drinking and yard work don't mix

I should be out mowing my lawn right now. Instead, I'm watching "Legally Blonde 2" and cruising the internet.

I just came across a story about this Wisconsin guy, who shot his lawnmower with a short-barreled shotgun because it wouldn't start. He was drunk.

Shooting things always makes them work way better, I think. If I were him, I would have been super happy to have an excuse to avoid the yard work, but to each their own.

Breakfast haiku

Out of cereal,
fruit. Cheese pizza and coffee
it is. And some Tums.

Me So Hungry

If someone told me in 1990 that 2 Live Crew's Luther Campbell would eventually have a show on mainstream television, I would have soiled my MC Hammer pants.

I can picture myself standing there, shaking my head back and forth while my enormous, ratted AquaNet-saturated bangs remain motionless. "No way! The guy who's essentially responsible for parental advisory stickers? The guy with songs called 'We Want Some Pussy' and 'The Fuck Shop'? Never. Gonna. Happen."

Fast forward 18 years, and here we are: Luke's Parental Advisory is slated to appear later this year on VH1. At this point, I shouldn't be surprised. Snoop Dogg, Flavor Flav and DMX have all had TV shows, and their notorious activities make Luke's obscenities seem as harmless as vanilla frosted cupcakes. With sprinkles.

Yes, the sky has been falling for a long time -- and I, for one, could not be more delighted! Here are some other erstwhile rappers/shows I'd set my DVR for.

Sir Mix-a-Lot in Baby Got Back
Mix recently told a small Washington newspaper that he likes to summon women up on stage when he performs his signature anthem, but "it's a little hard when I don't have butts to look at and reference to when I'm doing it." Sacrilege! He clearly needs a reality contest to find him a trunk full of junk that's worth taking on tour. Kim Kardashian can help judge.

Vanilla Ice in Breakin' to the Extreme
If there's one thing we learned from his appearances on The Surreal Life or MTV's 25 Lame, it's that Rob Van Winkle LOVES to destroy things (including, but not limited to, his "career"). So why not exploit his anger management issues for entertainment value? We'd like to see him in an interactive show where he annihilates items chosen by viewers, like a Ford Pinto or a storage ottoman or Amy Winehouse's hair helmet.

The Ying Yang Twins in Celebrity Circus: The Freakshow Edition
Step right up, folks! Feast your eyes on men who have more things living in their creepy facial hair than a polygamist ranch! Also this season on Celebrity Circus: George Hamilton (The World's Tallest Oompa Loompa!); Tori Spelling (The Incredible Horse-Faced Woman!); and Pete Doherty (A Real-Life Chemistry Experiment!)

Lil Jon in Size Does Matter
Lil Jon should host this program, where aging rappers whose monikers begin with Lil (Kim, Cease, Jon, Romeo, Bow Wow, Scrappy, Wayne, etc.) compete in Survivor-style challenges. Top prizes include a new pimp cup and a name-changing seminar with P. Diddy and Prince.

MC Hammer in So You Think YOU Can Dance?
Sure, he's become a bit of a punchline (how do you go from having 30 million dollars to filing for bankruptcy?), but one thing can't be denied: MC Hammer smoked mofos on the dance floor. He should consider coaching a Biggest Loser-style fitness show. I was a freakin' twig when the running man was popular, plus watching people do the Roger Rabbit is funny.

Young MC in One Hit Wonder
Cameras follow Young MC while he tracks what's become of his infamous tune,"Bust A Move." He finds the song in various karaoke bars around the country being butchered by frat boys wearing flipped-up collars and strategically ripped jeans. This horrifying experience drive Young MC to alcohol, priming him for an appearance on A&E's Intervention.

Cowboy Troy in No Shame in My Game
The self-proclaimed "hick-hop" artist has somehow fashioned a career from making crappy music that is reviled by hip-hop and country fans alike. No Shame features the music mangler as a consultant that advises businessmen about how to market things that only one percent of people want, such as really small wine glasses, stirrup pants and a one-piece bandanna and wig set.

Dead woman walking

Last weekend, Kyle and I went to a huge outdoor concert that lasted almost 12 hours. Back in the day, I'd be all over this kind of thing, drinking beer and inhaling things that may or may not be legal with plenty of energy to spare.

I haven't been to a show like that in about six or seven years. And I think the last one might have been **shudder** the Dave Matthews Band -- a band for people who hate good music.

Anyway, I don't think I can hack that shit ever again, so I'm really glad I just bought a cute Tribe Called Quest shirt as a souvenir. I should probably get it framed in a shadow box with a plaque that says July 19, 2008: The day Maisy bid adieu to her youth.

HERE'S HOW I REALIZED AGE HAD TAKEN ITS TOLL:

1. When given the option of being at the stagefront in "the pit," I didn't even consider it for one second. I looked at Kyle and said, "I want real seats!"

2. I used to see underage girls wearing coochie-cutter shorts, a bikini top and and platform stiletto heels at an outdoor amphitheater and think, "What a dumb fucking skank." Now, I think "That dumb fucking skank is gonna ruin her feet walking around here in those shoes all day."

3. I was at the peak of my enjoyment/energy around 5 p.m. By the time the biggest acts hit the stage, my hip and my hop had been tragically seperated.

4. When performers wanted me to pump my fist in the air or clap my hands, I immediately thought of Steve Harvey's bit from "The Original Kings of Comedy." He said: "You know what I don't like about a rap show? ... There's too many damn instructions. 'Pump it up, pump it up! Everybody side step! Put your hands in the air and wave 'em like you just don't care! Everybody say hoooo! Pump it up, pump it up! Everybody scream!' Motherfucker, for what? I paid $38.50 to be here. You scream."

5. This is, by far, the most embarrassing one: I couldn't WAIT for an act to end so I could just sit down and rest again.

My body has since recovered, but I can't say the same about my pride.

Happy trails

I'm heading out tomorrow morning to go to this: www.guerillaunion.com/rockthebells/!



It's near Chicago and we have pretty awesome seats.



I'm stoked!



Have a nice weekend.

The hunchback of Louisville

Summary haiku:
Big purses hold a
lot of stuff. That stuff weighs tons.
My shoulders are mad.


I've read tons of stories about how women injure themselves by carrying giant bags and thought, "Huh. That makes sense." Still, I carry them.

But for the past week, my upper back and neck feel like they've been stomped on by a herd of buffalo, then tied in a thousand knots immediately after the trampling. When I try to put my shoulders back in order to achieve good posture, it's feels like I'm pouring gasoline on my neck and setting myself aflame.

Here are the things that I carry in my purse pretty much every day:

1. Keys

2. A giant wallet, which ironically, never contains cash. Just ID; credit cards; frequent buyer cards for Borders, PetsMart, Qdoba, etc.

3. Cell phone

4. MP3 player

5. Camera (I often take pics of things I might need for my shopping job, so I don't forget what they look like.)

6. About 20 pens

7. Band-Aids (In case my shoes maim my feet during the day.)

8. Aspirin

9. Hairbrush

10. About 5 colors of lipgloss/lipstick, as well as a tin of Smith's Rosebud Salve.

11. A book of carbon receipts I use when I borrow stuff from stores to put in the paper.

12. Is this getting ridiculous yet?

13. Reporter notebook

14. A bunch of other stuff rolling around in the bottom.


Here are the things I actually need in my purse at all times:

1. Keys

2. Small wallet

3. Phone

4. One pen



On top of this, I'm always carrying around a bunch of crap in and out of stores, to and from photo shoots. I need a massage. Now. Right now!

And I'm switching over to a smaller purse tomorrow. Maybe even something drastic, like a clutch! But so help me, if I end up needing a Hello Kitty Band-Aid and it's not on my person, I'm gonna be pissed.

Walking the tightrope of boredom

Want to know what happens when there are only three competitors left on "Celebrity Circus"? They bring back former contestant Blu Cantrell to sing her seven-year old single "Hit 'Em Up Style."

And it sounds like she hasn't practiced singing it since about 2005 ... she sounds awful. I used to kinda of like that song back in the day, but she's ruining it for me.

Then -- because producers have an hour-long show to fill -- we have to watch a bunch of random, professional acrobats perform circus stunts. Newsflash: If I wanted to see this shit, I'd go to a circus.

The reason I watch "Celebrity Circus" to see D-list celebs possibly maim themselves for the sake of reminding people they exist.

(This seems like a perfect place to include a funny quote from my friend, Joshua Hammann. "How can they even judge Celebrity Circus? If they don't fucking kill themselves, they should get a 10.")

The finalists are Wee Man, Stacey Dash and Antonio Banderas. I've gotta be honest: I'm not sure that I care enough to watch 20 more minutes of this crapola, kids.

I'm going to bed.

Kiss, kiss!

Project Runway premieres!

SPOILERS!

Yay! Summer TV has been vindicated with the premiere of "Project Runway." And the contestants seem to be more experienced than ever. (Olivia, if you're reading this, I was thinking of you while I watched!)

They introduced everyone and most seem to have real credentials ... meaning, they have worked for major designers or already have an established line and/or store.

Here's my homie, Blayne, from Washington. "I have a ridiculous obsession with tanning," he says. No kidding! He looks like a total Oompa Loompa and, at only 23, he has deep, awful wrinkles crow's feet already. Beef jerky! If they ever have a challenge to make a fantastic leather bag, he can save himself some time and have the model wear his face down the runway.

Also, his catch phrase seems to be adding "licious" on to the end of words. (Girlicious, etc.) Ugh. Sorry Washington, I think he's going to be a douche. But I hope I'm wrong.

There's a guy named Suede, who has blue mohawk and a vertical stripe as a soul patch. He's wearing capri jeans, a leather vest over a black tee and black, high top tennies. He also has tons of black rubber bangles up his arm, like I used to wear in high school.

Their first challenge is to make a garment out of things they find in the grocery store, which was the first challenge on season 1.

(Jerell's Tim Gunn impression is terrible, by the way.)

Jerry is bragging about how innovative he was and how everyone else sucked. Yet he's one of, like, six people who are using tablecloths/shower curtains as their main fabrics. Way to go, Smart Guy.

Man, his outfit is ugly as fuck, too. The ill-fitting, baggy coat is made from a white shower curtain, and he's got the model wearing dish gloves. It looks like the get-up Dexter wears when he's killing someone. (Michael Kors says, "The dress underneath looks like a HandiWipe gone wrong." Heidi Klum: "It's a bit hospital-plumber.")

Some of the outfits are pretty damn cool, though, I have to say. That's why I love this show!

Daniel made a sexpot cocktail dress out of blue plastic kegger cups.

Korto made a yellow kimono style dress out of a tablecloth, but then decorated the neckline beautifully with cut cherry tomatoes and kale.

And Kelli made an awesome dress out of vacuum cleaner bags that she dyed herself with coffee and ink; the bra cups were singed coffee filters; the waistband was decorated in gold thumb tacks that looked like metal studs. She closed the whole thing in back with hook and eyelet closures she made out of a spiral notebook.

Kelli wins, and totally deserves it!

Jerry's out. Hasn't he watched other reality shows? The second you start bragging about being the shit, it's the kiss of death.

On his exit interview, Jerry says: "I am a true designer. I make beautiful clothes."

Yeah, if your client is Norman Bates.

Changes!

Not that you care, but it was really hard to notice when I bolded words with my other blog template. So this is the new one. It's not quite as fun to look at (I like polka dots!), but oh well.

Other changes: Kyle and I recently switched over to a mostly raw diet. So far, I feel a lot more energized and generally happy. Also, I never realized how full you could get on uncooked veggies, fruits, nuts and hummus. Even when I was a vegetarian for years, I still ate a ton of cheese, bread, etc.

Tonight, we did splurge on a seared tuna steak, which was a nice treat. But I can happily say I won't be eating any more of those cardboard-tasting Lean Cuisine meals. Yuck.

Big Brother

I'm watching it. I don't know why... probably because the summer TV selection sucks ass.

Honestly, though, this is probably the only reality show I could actually compete on because it doesn't require any specialized skills, such as cooking, or modeling, or sewing.

Let's face it, my current skills are not in high demand for reality programming. It's not like they have a ton of shows called "Who Wants to Write the Best Cutline About Gladiator Sandals?" or "America's Next Top Shopper."

All you have to do on Big Brother is get along with people and occasionally talk a little shit. What's so hard about that? Avoiding drama as often as possible is my specialty, but can certainly throw a verbal barb or two when provoked.

So far tonight, a whiny meathead bodybuilder and a totally obnoxious, nasally-voiced salon owner from New Orleans have been fighting because the hairdresser woke him up from his precious beauty rest. Boo hoo, pussy. Just go back to sleep! What other pressing things do you have to do?

Anyway, their competition for the night: Six of them had to wade through a ton of honey, then rip open a bunch of down pillows to find teddy bears, then wade back through the honey. Five times. Maybe I couldn't do this after all. That'd be tough to get out of your hair.

Oops! This douchebag has been trying to run shit and manipulate an nice old man, and the whole house just turned on him.

We're only two episodes in and there's more drama than usual at this early stage. Maybe this season will be worth watching, after all.

"Project Runway" starts tomorrow!

Terrifying

I saw the craziest thing on my way home tonight. I was coming down Hurstborne (which is a crazy busy road in Louisville) during the busiest time of day. It's about four lanes deep on each side of the road and the speed limit is 45. All of the sudden, I see a man in a wheelchair, with a dog and a bag of groceries in his lap, rolling down the side of the street straight toward me, in my lane.

This particular stretch of Hurstborne doesn't have sidewalks, so he was just cruising along on the side of road. (It's about four lanes deep on each side of the road and the speed limit is 45.)

It made me want to cry. People drive like total assholes on Hurstborne and I hope that guy reached his destination safely. I wish he lived somewhere that he didn't have to traverse this road to get his necessities.

That is all.

Beat it, Brett!

Brett Farve saying he's retiring is like me saying I'm never gonna drink again on the morning of a really bad hangover.

Please, Brett. Go away!

(Disclaimer: Sure, he might be a nice man. But I'm a Vikings fan. He should gets to steppin' already, geez.)

It's been a busy day for celeb news. Brad and Angie squirted out a couple more babies. What does that make now? A half-dozen Jolie-Pitts? Er, nevermind. I'm all for healthy babies and all, but I'm not looking forward to the media frenzy that is going to take over. Seriously, someone could find a cure for cancer and it would probably play second fiddle to celebrity baby news.

Also, I just read that Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel called it quits. Boo! That was a vulgar, offensive couple I could get behind. Oh well.

Speaking of break ups, Christie Brinkley said today that she wouldn't marry again. Probably a shrewd move.

And you think you've got problems

Holy shit!

That poor woman. I'm glad she made it.

Chain letters, and neon, and misery, oh my!

I have never gotten a real, live chain letter in my entire life, but in the past two weeks, I've gotten two. I don't really know what to say about it besides those two people in Eugene, Ore., and Carlsbad, Calif., wasted their stamps. But isn't it weird? My mom used to get chain letters from time to time in the 1980s. I didn't even know people still did that.

In other news, the cast for season 5 of "Project Runway" was announced today and of particular interest to me is Blayne, who cites neon as a fashion must-have. "It just makes me so happy," he says. "If you cut me open, neon would spill out."

Blayne is from Yakima, Wash., where I worked for 3 1/2 years before moving to Louisville. Let's hope he's less embarrassing to my home state than the outgoing Miss Washington, who was also from central Washington.

Last, I am still recovering from another frigid day at work, where the overzealous air conditioning blows out straight over my desk. My work uniform includes my regular clothing, which is then covered with a zip-up fleece jacket and a pink fleece Hello Kitty blanket wrapped around the lower half of my body. I look like I belong in a wheelchair in a nursing home.

Meanwhile, it's like 87 degrees outside.

I wish my job would sprinkle all the money they spend on superfluous air conditioning into my paycheck. I'd spend the money on a new pair of gloves and a ski mask. Those are really hard to find during summer, by the way. Tomorrow, I'm considering taking in my Sorels.

Do you know what today is?

It's our anniversary.... it's our anniversary.

Remember that 1993 song by Tony! Toni! Tone!? Anyone? Nevermind.

Anyway, we've been muhrried three years now. I can say "muhrried" like it's perfectly normal because I live in Kentucky.

Kyle had to work tonight, but we met up for a quick dinner at Cafe Lou Lou. When I went out to my car afterward, there was a big bouquet of flowers on the driver's seat of my car. He rules.

Our real anniversary celebration, however, is coming up in a couple of weeks. We're taking a weekend jaunt up to Chicago to go to this totally awesome show featuring every hip-hop act I could ever ask for on one roster. We might be the oldest ones there, but since it's mostly old-school acts, I'm hoping we're not total geriatrics.

Whee!

My in-laws rule

I've heard the horrifying tales of crazed, obsessive, impossible-to-please, nightmare in-laws.

Thank God I got so lucky. Kyle's parents visited from Philly last week and we had the best time. It was like having friends in town -- totally cool, low-maintenance friends. I had to work during the day, but at night, it was so fun to come home and chill out with some wine.

Kyle's dad made us breakfast almost every day. Real breakfast -- eggs, kielbasa, toast -- not just cereal.

We all donated some money to Indiana's economy late Wednesday night when we visited the casino. (Except for Kyle, who came back to win $35 after being down about $75 at one point.) I was especially proud to have made my $10 last in the slot machine for an hour and 15 minutes.

Kyle's mom knows how to shop -- a woman after my own heart. On Friday, we checked out the Macy's sale. Then I dragged her to Off Broadway Shoe Warehouse, and then we hit the Summit. (She also loves the Lifetime Movie Network, so imagine all the atrocious acting we watched together as a family!)

That night, we grilled out, listened to old school R&B tunes and chatted up a storm over wine and cocktails.

And, Aaron and Brenda got to meet their grand-dogs for the first time, which went splendidly. Lucy and Archie were perfectly civilized pets. Saturday night, after we took Aaron and Brenda to the airport, Lucy wouldn't come to bed. She laid down on the couch for a couple of hours, probably waiting for her new friends to come home.

It was a really fabulous time. I wish they were still here. Because I'd probably be doing something else besides watching the season finale of "The Bachelorette" right now. (I never watched any other episodes this season, but isn't this really the only one you need to see? She just picked the Colorado pro snowboarder over the super nice financial guy from Seattle.)

"Weeds" is on!