Resolving TV for 2009

Let's face it: Nobody really ever keeps their New Year's Resolutions. Sad, but true. So I decided to forego making my own (why bother?) in favor of making some for my favorite TV shows and characters. Which makes me wonder: Should I resolve to stop watching so much TV?


Heidi Montag: Now that The Hills character is saddled with Spencer as a husband, Heidi should really work on repairing her relationship with her family – no matter what her creepy hubs has to say about it. If he loves her like he says, he shouldn't even balk at this idea. But we know he will.

Desperate Housewives: Am I the only person who thinks Susan's character is annoying and pointless? DH writers should resolve to move her somewhere far, far away. Or for her to meet with some other bizarre fate that would either A) remove her from the cast or B) give her a personality transplant.

Tara Thornton: This True Blood character tried getting her demons exorcised in a weird backwoods ceremony. Now she's living with some strange woman, and there's something not quite right about the situation. Tara probably can't afford therapy, but she should go back to her own house and take some yoga to help relax her temper. That seems safer.

Peggy Olson: We like where this Mad Men character is going. At work, she's successful, and she's getting more confident, and she's greasing the wheels for female workers of the future. But we hope she can quit pretending her baby doesn't exist – but only after she comes to that decision on her own, not because she feels pressured by anyone else.

Entourage: It seems like Vince will be back in the big time next season. But we hope writers can work in a storyline or two for Johnny Drama. We'd rather see him conduct his own life business than cook breakfast for Vince every morning.

Hank Moody: The troubled lead character on Californication has turned a new page. Now that Karen's moved to New York, Hank is solely responsible for raising Becca. Hopefully, that means he'll stop banging random chicks in his house, and will try and set a positive example for his teenage daughter.

Bret Michaels: Dude, we really hope the third time's a charm. But we suspect Rock of Love Tour Bus will end just like the first two seasons of Rock of Love. And when that happens, for the love of God Bret, please resolve to stop doing these ridiculous dating shows. And please, let that blast-from-the-past hairdo go, too.

Zak Bagans: I'm not sure if you've ever seen Ghost Adventures, a ghost hunting show on the Travel Channel. But if you have, there's no way you have gotten all the way through the show without laughing at host Zak's expense. He's the biggest, meatheaded, frat boy tool I've ever seen – and I'd like him to resolve to not change a thing. It's a riot. (Watch for snippets of his jackassery on The Soup, where he makes frequent appearances.)

VH1: This company should resolve to ditch their think tank and start fresh. If I have to see one more reality show with Tiffany "New York" Pollard, Real and Chance, Boston or Bret Michaels, I'm going to throw my remote through my giant TV.

The cast of Bad Girls Club: These women should go into hiding. Their behavior is so embarrassing, I can't imagine them going out in public and not being totally humiliated. Some people will do anything to be on TV... this is, perhaps, the most offensive show on television.


Survivor:
I'm kind of bored with seeing people sweat profusely and get eaten alive by mosquitoes. They should have filmed the latest installment in Spokane, Wash., when 30 inches of snow fell in a 24-hour period and temps were below freezing. Survive that, people.

The City Recap: Guilty Pleasure Or A Reason To Be Shamed? You Decide.

After completely rotting my brain for an hour on the god-awful MTV show, Bromance, it was hard to get geared up for another new show starring familiar face from The Hills.
But thankfully, it didn't take long to fall into step with Whitney Port's new life in The City, which was introduced with two back-to-back episodes.
Whitney arrives for her first work day at Diane von Furstenburg wearing an electric yellow printed dress that reminds me of some painted-splashed pants I had in the late 1980s. It's a great way to stand out on the job. Well, that and the camera crew following her around.
She meets Olivia, a socialite and co-worker who will be a regular part of the cast. Olivia, who has clearly never laid eyes upon an Us Weekly or television set, asks Whitney where she's from. "Have you worked in fashion before?" Well, that, and I was employed asking Lauren Conrad about her personal life for a few years. It's a role you'll get familiar with soon enough!
After work, Whit meets Jay (the guy she's dating) for dinner. They flirt, he kisses her hand and she seems smitten, as evidenced by the constant scrunching up of her nose. Later, smooth operator Jay offers her a place to stay for the night and they kiss.
We see Whitney work at fashion week for approximately 90 seconds and then attend the DVF after-party, where her boss showers her with compliments as Olivia looks on. Olivia invites Whitney to her dinner party and tells her to bring Jay.
But when Whitney asks him to go, he sweeps his tousled hair around a few times, and then tells her he'll take a pass. "The group you don't want to get involved with are the rich kids," he tells her.
She asks if he'll go anyway, just to hang with her. Jay shakes his head. "I always do what I want and that's it, you know." What a charmer.
So Whitney takes Erin to the party instead, and a surprised Olivia asks where Jay is. At the crowded dinner table, Olivia grills Whitney some more about Jay and his whereabouts. Meanwhile, we see Jay out with his roommate, Adam, and he laments how fast his relationship is going with Whitney. "A little more space never hurts," Adam says.
But neither does a little more air time, so Jay heads over to Olivia's crib, stays for about five minutes, then jets out with Whitney and Erin.
Alex (a model who we saw Whitney date once on The Hills) resurfaces to tell her that Jay is a player who is trying to get back with his ex. "I hate being that guy to bring it up," Alex says, but I'm getting paid by producers to cause some trouble, so I might as well.
Whitney discusses the potential Jay problem with Erin and comes up with a plan: "I've just got to ask him, because it's the only thing I can do." Because everyone knows cheating guys always tell the truth when confronted.
When Whitney talks to Jay, he offers to explain: He saw his ex out one night, they talked, he walked her to the cab, but they didn't go home together even though it may have looked like it. To drive home the point, Jay denies, denies, denies, then whips out his cell phone: "We can call Dani and ask her right now." Of course, Whitney says not to worry about it.
Works every time, Jay thinks.
Next, Whitney makes plans to go out with Erin, Jay, Adam and Adam's girlfriend. "It will be a fun night of nothingness!," Whitney predicts. Yay! Just like my Monday night appointments with MTV!
The group arrives at the nightclub, and (surprise!) Alex is there talking smack about Jay's womanizing ways. Jay and Alex get into a long, boring verbal sparring match consisting of profanity-laden sentences ending in "dude."
Finally, Whitney meets with her old boss, Kelly Cutrone, who all of the sudden seems like a nice, nurturing person. They talk work and boys. "You can always come here and throw anything off a balcony," Kelly offers.
Hmmmm, Whitney. Might want to start with Jay. Or better yet, Bromance.

Dear Santa, Volume 2

OK, St. Nick,

It's Christmas eve, and you weren't able to get mom here on Monday. I understand. I know you have a lot to do.

But she's got another plane ride scheduled tomorrow, on Christmas Day. By then, I know you'll be super tired, but you'll also be done with the bulk of your work. So maybe we could give this another whirl.

I just want her to arrive here safely, in one piece. I miss her. That's all I really want for Christmas.

I'm sorry I said the f-word in the other letter. I hope that's not what kept Mom from getting here the first time around. I'll try to clean up my language, if that will help.

Thanks, Santa. Have safe travels tonight!

Love,
Maisy

(P.S. If you have time, it would be great if you could drop by some underwear for Kyle. I just found out that the ones Archie got for him are the wrong size.)

My Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

I have a request for you, and it won't even require you to make an appearance.

It's 7 a.m., and I've been up for two hours already. My mom is supposed to be flying here from Spokane, Wash., today, where they've gotten so much snow that the whole city shut down for three days. The garbage men didn't come because they couldn't get down streets. The city offices were closed. The malls closed at noon -- less than a week before Christmas!

Now, that often happens in Louisville when we get a dusting of the white stuff. But you have to understand how much fucking snow has to fall in Spokane before something like that happens. It's unheard of. I mean, it'd by like you canceling your Christmas flights!

When I lived in Spokane, I used to keep a shovel and cat litter in the trunk of my car, in case I had to dig myself out of a parking spot, or needed some extra traction on ice. Lots of snow is totally normal there. We all owned snow boots made for temperatures of -30 degrees.

Well, Santa, it snowed there again overnight, and my mom is supposed to fly out this morning. Even though we talk on the phone every day, I haven't seen her in more than a year, and am really looking forward to her Christmas visit. That's all I want this year, is for her to have a safe trip.

Plus, she's disabled, so traveling for her is a total suck-fest. Can you please squeeze in a last-minute request and see that things go smoothly for her?

And if her flight is canceled, can you maybe send Rudolph and the crew to go get her? Knowing her, I'm sure her suitcase is really huge, but it can't be any heavier than your sack of toys for the world's children.

Just so you know, I've been pretty good this year. (Except when I drank too much at a wedding, and ended up falling down in the parking lot at Brendan's, but nobody was hurt in that incident. Oh, and I said 'fuck' earlier in this letter, but that's just the way I talk. I am an adult, you know.)

All my love,
Maisy

For Christmas, I'm giving away lobotomies, naps and tattoo removal

As the doors on the chocolate advent calendar swing open, so closes the gap between now and Christmas. And like any respectable working girl, I'm really, really behind on my holiday shopping (read: I haven't really started yet).

But there's an ice storm happening as I write this. So instead of shopping tonight, I'm procrastinating by watching Gossip Girl and dreaming up all the gifts I'd give to the people I spend much of my time with: My TV friends.

Now, let's shred some wrapping paper!

To Jack Bauer of 24: A gift certifiate for a therapuetic massage, and an hour-long nap.

Joy Turner of My Name is Earl: Some conditioner. Anyone who bleaches and perms their hair needs some serious treatment.

Tyra Banks of The Tyra Banks Show and America's Next Top Model: I'd give her a one-week reprieve from being lambasted on The Soup, even though I always find the bits highly amusing. She's corny, but she means well.

Serena van der Woodsen and Blair Waldorf of Gossip Girl: A trip to a Natural Helpers retreat. These two frienemies have gone enough rounds. These two need to work on their friendship at a mountain retreat somewhere.

Project Runway: A history lesson. Please, take a look at what made your show shine in previous seasons -- and while you're at it, get some better contestants and a fresh start on Lifetime.

Hank Moody of Californication: A box of porn, a bag of weed and some whiskey. No smokes, though, because he's allegedly trying to quit.

Debra Morgan of Dexter: Several more dresses like the one she wore to Dexter's wedding. She said she felt like a transvestite, but we think it's the first time she's looked like a woman. Ever.

Bret Michaels of Rock of Love: A trip to Supercuts and a session of groupie speed dating.

Heidi Montag of The Hills: A lobotomy, so that she could erase any memory of Spencer Pratt.

Spencer Pratt of The Hills: A razor and a job. Not necessarily in that order.

Sam Merlotte of True Blood: A change of scenery. He deserves to meet a nice young lady, and I think he's exhausted the few options in Bon Temps.

Elliot Stabler of Law & Order: SVU: Complimentary tattoo removal. On the occasions when we've seen Elliot shirtless, he's got some of the worst ink we've ever seen.

Kendra Wilkinson of The Girls Next Door: A GED. And some condoms. Lots of condoms.

Betty Draper of Mad Men: We'd find a way to get her her modeling career back.

Shane Botwin of Weeds: A new family. This kid is the smartest one in the bunch, and he's got no chance growing up with his mom and Uncle Andy.

Michael Scott of The Office: I'd bring Holly back to him. She and Michael's shared dorkiness cracked me up.... plus, if his soulmate was around, he might not be as difficult to tolerate at work.

Kim of Kath & Kim: A gift card to Claire's, since her hair accessories are all suited for a 6-year-old.

Coolio of Coolio's Rules and Flavor Flav of Flavor of Love: Makeovers. If I kept the same style for as long as these two aging rappers have held on to theirs, I'd still have a spiral perm and tall, ratted bangs coaxed to stand on end via Aqua Net. And my MC Hammer pants.

Hey Santa! I've got a naughty and nice list for you

With Christmas fast approaching, I know Santa Claus is awfully busy right now. So I've taken it upon myself to procrastinate my own holiday shopping and help St. Nick with his annual duties. After a satisfying year of wasting away in front of the telly, I'd like to humbly suggest a few picks for the Naughty and Nice list.

I hope the elves can whip up something extra special for these four nice TV characters:

Betty Draper, Mad Men
And by nice, we mean that she has to be somewhat void of emotions to handle her life without losing her marbles. Betty isn't a super likeable character, but up until the end of the last season, she put up endless humiliations, insults and disrespect from her womanizing (possibly-alcoholic) husband, Don. When Don practically called her a whore for buying a two-piece bathing suit at an auction, my heart broke for her. Betty has a whole lot more ‘nice' in her than we could ever muster.

Sookie Stackhouse, True Blood
Sure, Sookie made a misstep by running into Sam's arms (and toying with his emotions) when Bill disappeared for a couple of days. But telepathic Sookie has been through a lot. Between her grandmother's brutal murder, her brother's overwhelming idiocy, an attempt on her life, her best friend's anger management problems, and being shunned by her whole town, we think she's a pretty sweet woman.

Joe Dubois, Medium
This man is a saint and the backbone of this TV family, which returns to TV in January. Joe is constantly woken up by his wife in the middle of the night, he's left to deal with getting his three daughters to school and handle family business when Allison rushes off to deal with her dead-people visions. He's kind, supportive and every time we think he's finally going to get irritated, he cracks a joke -- and that awesome smile.

Turtle, Entourage
Let's face it: Of all the Entourage characters, Turtle has never had a lot going for him, particularly in the area of ladies. Finally this season, he seems to have scored big points with not just a woman, but famous actress (Jamie-Lynn Sigler). And right as Turtle is getting ready for a romantic getaway weekend with Jamie, Vince calls and requests his presence on a trip back to New York. And Turtle dropped everything to go. What a great friend.

A lump of coal would be too good a prize for any of these chumps:

Miguel Prado, Dexter
When Miguel showed up at the beginning of the most recent season, it seemed like Dexter was going to make a true friend. As it turns out, Miguel turned out to be a a lunatic sociopath with no feelings and no moral code. Jimmy Smits did a great job making this now-deceased character truly despicable.

Spencer Pratt, The Hills
The above being said, Prado is still much more likeable than Spencer, a controlling, cruel, jackass who has somehow captured the heart of Heidi Montag. This year alone, Spencer made Heidi's mother cry; mooched off of and disparaged his own sister; and has thrust a huge wedge between Heidi and her family and friends. Heidi's not blameless, but he and that creepy beard are the root of the evil. This relationship, if it's indeed real, seems like a Lifetime movie waiting to happen.

Lacey, Rock of Love Charm School
I want to like Lacey because she's an animal rights activist, but every time I watch her manipulate other women on VH1 reality shows, I wonder how a person can be so compassionate for furry things and so hateful toward her fellow woman. Every chick-fight on this show has stemmed from Lacey's evil maneuvers, and her fake, tear-filled apologies are vomit-inducing. I've seen more convincing acting in junior high theater productions.

Nancy Botwin, Weeds
When Weeds first began, I had a soft spot for Nancy and how she chose to deal with her money problems. But this season, I think I can honestly say I like everyone on the show more than Nancy, who has proven to be perhaps the worst mother in TV history. It's a sad day when layabout Uncle Andy is the most responsible adult in the picture. And now Nancy is knocked up again? Good grief.