Disturbia

Five Disturbing Things That Are On My Mind:


1. Signs in each of our bathroom stalls at work recently popped up, and I don't even want to think about what prompted them. They say something like, "If you have an accident, please clean it up as best you can for the next person."

What the fuck does this mean? That grown women cannot manage to do their business in the toilet? So often that a sign is required? Man, people are nasty.

2. I am a turtle. The more pregnant I get, the harder it is for me to get up from a reclining position without rolling around a bunch to gather enough momentum. If the phone rings and it's across the room, I probably won't get there before voice mail picks up. It sucks.

3. New iPod. I'm freakin' obsessed with it! Sadly, much of the music we had on our computer was lost some years ago when an apartment flood wiped it out. So I've been ripping CDs like a madperson and organizing my tunes like a champ. It's so much better than my old mp3 player! I recently got a voice mail from my best friend, Wendy: "You haven't called me back. Are you all cracked out on that iPod?!" Um, yes.

4. My cat is masturbating right this minute. I mean, get a room, Miles. Geez.

5. The Rocky Mountain News published its last issue today. A very well-done, but sad, video called "Final Edition" is posted here. I will no longer complain about the puny raises we get this year (1 percent or so), which are more than negated by the furlough days we're being forced to take. At least I still get a paycheck.

Celebrity Apprentice Dream Team

When the cast for The Celebrity Apprentice 2 (premieres 9 p.m. Sunday on NBC) was announced, I felt pretty 'meh' about it. A few notable and current names are on board -- Joan Rivers, for instance -– but in most cases, the program easily be called Long Lost Celebrities Are Out Of Work And Need Exposure. But that's kind of a long title, so I'll forgive NBC for trying to make it more user-friendly.

Anyway, I realize people like Angelina Jolie and Sean Penn have bigger fish to fry than to appear on this show. But isn't there a happy medium somewhere? That's why we've come up with 10 stars we'd like to see on The Celebrity Apprentice.



Rosie O'Donnell
Yeah, yeah, I know about her history with host Donald Trump. But being a successful business person depends on one's ability to broker deals with people, even if you hate their guts. Rosie's an accomplished actress and talk show host, but she's also showed some entrepreneurial fortitude in writing, starring in and co-producing the Lifetime movie America (which premieres at 9 p.m. Saturday on the network). Also, her participation on this show, years after her huge public blowout with The Donald, would make it infinitely interesting.



Kanye West
While immensely talented, this man is known for throwing a fit when he doesn't win every music award for which he's nominated. His tantrums would make for some good television, but the process also might teach him some much-needed humility as well.











Paula Abdul
With the addition of Kara DioGuardi to American Idol, there has been speculation that crazy Paula might be out of a job soon. If she won, perhaps they could give her a real job, instead of donating money to her charity? Just sayin'.












Tina Fey
She's smart enough to win and creative enough to give an interesting twist to challenges. Plus, a sharp mind and quick wit certainly go a long way when dealing with people. Also, with 30 Rock she's already in bed with NBC. Certainly they could lend her to another show for a bit.









Spencer Pratt
We hate to acknowledge that this prickly layabout is even a celebrity, but he's higher on the fame food chain than current Apprentice contestants like poker player Annie Duke or Playboy Playmate Brande Roderick. We nominate him because he's able to sell his b.s. to his fiancée, Heidi Montag, all day and night. But does he have enough motivation, pull and persuasion skills to come out on top? Either way, we'd love to actually see this guy work for once.







Michael Phelps
You know, we're really tired of hearing about the horror of this incredible Olympic athlete taking a couple of bong hits. (Sheesh -- he just won 8 Olympic gold medals! Give the guy a break.) So, we'd love to see him redeem his public reputation on this show, so that his recent scandal can quietly be swept under the rug.





Kiefer Sutherland
Kiefer has said in interviews that filming 24 is ridiculously stressful. But on the show, he's charged with solving problems in record time and coming up with alternatives when Plan A goes awry. Let's see how much the actor has learned from his character.










Tim Gunn
Honestly, this choice is for my own personal satisfaction. If Project Runway remains in limbo forever, how will I get my Tim Gunn fix? Surely, he knows how these reality contests operate. He could make it work.











Whoopi Goldberg
Before she was famous, Whoopi worked as bricklayer and at a funeral parlor, so she's had "real jobs" before. Besides adding a level head and comic relief to the contest, Whoopi is confident an Improv genius, making her adaptable to any speed bump that comes her way. Her laid-back personality practically ensures she won't come unglued and make an ass of herself. That's nice to see in celebrities sometimes.







Bridget Marquardt
No celeb reality show is complete without a woman who's graced the pages of Playboy. But of The Girls Next Door, Bridget is the one who also boasts a brain behind her giggly exterior. She's got a bachelor's degree in public relations, a masters on communications and is working on another master's degree in broadcast journalism. Plus, she loves horror movies, so seeing Trump's hair in person shouldn't phase her one bit.

TV Throwdown: The Bachelor Vs. Rock Of Love Bus

Oh, how we love a "showmance." They happen on reality TV all the time, but are always that much more entertaining when people set out to find love in an abbreviated time period in front of millions. Which brings us to two programs we've been watching lately: The Bachelor and Rock of Love Bus.

So, why not pit them against each other in The Most Dramatic TV Throwdown Ever?!

Bachelors:
Jason's hair isn't great, but at least it's real. Bret has a more engaging personality and a sense of humor. A date with Jason is a snooze, but at least he's ready to settle down with one woman and not have groupie sex on the side. Bret thinks a genital piercing is a really great gift, which is only a little bit more gross than the ill-fated breakdancing moves Jason showed off during an early episode.
So, the question is this: Would you rather be with someone ho-hum who won't cheat? Or somebody who likes to laugh, but may bring home the clap?
One vote for boring! I'd rather upgrade my Netflix subscription than have a lifetime supply of penicillin.

The Bachelor: 1
Rock of Love Bus: 0


The Suitors:
I'm embarrassed for the women on The Bachelor when they start blubbering and shedding actual tears about being in love after having spent approximately 20 minutes with Jason. The "ladies" on ROLB do the same thing, but also engage in myriad personal humiliations that include, but are not limited to: Regularly getting drunk enough to throw up; wearing skanky Frederick's of Hollywood lingerie as outerwear; and making profound statements like "I'm not hanging out with anyone who wears brown lip gloss!"

The Bachelor: 2
Rock of Love Bus: 0


Show format:
There is absolutely no reason the Bachelor needs to be two hours long every week. They spend at least half an hour playing flashbacks that happened 10 minutes prior, and then they show interviews where the people recap what you have just viewed. It's a colossal waste of time. Note to producers: Jason might not seem so boring if we saw him in shorter snippets.
ROLB moves along swiftly. Bret subjects his suitors to humiliating challenges to win dates; he goes on said dates; a breast or two is usually exposed at some point; a slutty catfight breaks out, and then it's on to the elimination. All in one hour. Aaaand, we have a winner.

The Bachelor: 2
Rock of Love Bus: 1


Cliches:
Each week, The Bachelor promises "The Most Shocking/Dramatic/Intense Rose Ceremony Ever!!" And if I had a quarter for every time someone used the words "amazing" or "journey" or "amazing journey," I could totally quit my day job right now. Get a thesaurus, people.
On the other hand, Rock of Love Bus is packed with other lame cliches, including Bret's standard "keeper" line at the elimination ceremony: "Will you stay on tour and continue to rock my world?" Also, I think I've heard the song "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" more times on the Rock of Love installations than I ever did in the 1980s.
But The Bachelor has had nearly 20 seasons where presumably educated people overuse "amazing" and "journey." Overkill.

The Bachelor: 2
Rock of Love Bus: 2


Dates:
Bret has taken his dates on riverboat rides, hay rides and picnics. A dream date consists of going to work with him (watching one of his shows at a random bar), then hanging out with a bunch of douches backstage. It's not that glamorous, but at least those are things that a normal couple might do, minus "take your girlfriend to work day."
Jason has taken his dates to private concerts, on spontaneous trips to Las Vegas and on shopping sprees. But for a guy who's supposed to be single father, do you really think these dates are par for the course? Hellz to the no. When the Bachelor isn't footing the bill, these ladies are going to be having dinner at The Old Spaghetti Factory, picking up after Ty and calling their moms so they have someone interesting to talk to.
So, the ladies on Rock of Love Bus are probably getting a slightly more realistic view of their futures.

The Bachelor: 2
Rock of Love Bus: 3


Bottom line: Nobody really expects these shows to produce real relationships, which means we're only watching to be entertained. Rock of Love Bus may make you cringe, but at least there's never a dull moment.

Survivor Vs. The Amazing Race

TV Throwdown: Survivor Vs. The Amazing Race


This week marks the return of two successful reality shows that make me really happy to be a couch potato. I like adventure and all, but usually in much smaller doses than are offered by Survivor (the Tocantins installation premieres Thursday at 8 p.m. on CBS) or The Amazing Race (premieres Sunday at 8 p.m., also on CBS).

Each has more than ten seasons under its belt, and I thought it was high time the programs themselves were subjected to some sort of competition: A TV Throwdown.

AMENITIES
On Survivor, contestants may win a fabulous meal, but it will then give them explosive diarrhea after having noshed on rice and minnows for days on end. They have to build their own shelter, go find water -- and hey, are they even allowed to bring a "luxury item" anymore?
Competitors on The Amazing Race get to stay in hotels and get cleaned up in between their grueling challenges, in addition to winning prizes. Sure, they are always on the go, but changing your underwear and shaving your armpits are not things to take for granted.
Survivor: 0
Amazing Race: 1

ADVENTURES
Granted, AR folks don't get to explore their new territories with leisure. Since they're being timed, they get the extreme Cliff's Notes version of each country's culture. Still, that's much more invigorating and educational that spending all your days getting eaten alive by mosquitoes, plotting against people, and fantasizing about shampoo, toothbrushes and Chik-Fil-A sandwiches.
Survivor: 0
Amazing Race: 2

DRAMA
Two different kinds of drama unfold on these shows. On AR, the teams are on a strict schedule and teammates inevitably have skirmishes about how to most efficiently proceed with the task at hand. But even when they fight, at the end of the day, they always have someone who is on their side. (However, an already fragile relationship could be forever marred in a high-pressure situation like this.)
Survivor contestants have nothing but time on their hands which often leads to paranoid delusions, and also allows for teammates to grate on each other's last nerve. Tribe members constantly turn on each other. And half the time, when someone is voted off, the ousted member is completely taken by surprise.
Survivor: 1
Amazing Race: 2

HISTORY
Now entering its 18th season, Survivor certainly wasn't the first reality show, but it was pretty much the first of its kind: A program that put contestants in seemingly impossible situations, pitting them against each other for a cash prize. When Survivor first started in 2000, the premise was so unusual, it was the water cooler topic at many jobs.
The Amazing Race, which premiered in 2001, offered another fresh reality concept and exciting, edge-of-your-seat premise. And while it seems to have surpassed Survivor in popularity and critical acclaim (AR has 11 Primetime Emmys to Survivor's three), we have to give the edge to the show that spawned so many imitators.
Survivor: 2
Amazing Race: 2

BENEFITS
If you're a Survivor contestant, chances are you're doing to drop at least 20 pounds and get a rockin' tan. Sure, you might be malnourished, but hey, who can complain about looking great in a (smaller) sun dress at the finale?
On The Amazing Race, you can rack up the passport stamps and become a lot more worldly. Plus, any future travel to foreign countries will probably seem like a breeze in comparison. You're also likely to get into better shape because of all the running around and stiff physical challenges.
Survivor: 2
Amazing Race: 3

Bottom line: The tribe has spoken. We have much respect for our elders, but sometimes the pioneers pave the way for bigger and better things down the line. The Amazing Race is truly amazing.

Love Is In The Air: The Best and Worst TV Couples

Valentine's Day is upon us, and it's a holiday about which I feel conflicted. On one hand, it's grossly over-commercialized and filled with pressure. But on the other, it is nice to celebrate your significant other – and I have no complaints about flowers and candy, even if they are a little cliche.

So to celebrate my wishy-washiness about Cupid's big day, I'm highlighting five TV relationships (from still-airing programs) that seem destined for success, and five that give love a bad name.

I love:

Tara and Max, United States of Tara
As this series is new, we're still seeing their relationship unfold, but the back story is that Max and Tara have been married for almost 20 years. And while they have their speed bumps (see: her multiple personalities, Buck, T and Alice), their bond has clearly been strong enough to perservere. They have the same struggles as any other long time couple, but seem committed to making it work.

Dwight and Angela, The Office.
Jim and Pam are sweet, but boring. The best thing about Dwight and Angela is that they're both anal nerds at heart, but also have no problem shagging on company time every now and then. Plus, their whole dynamic together is so awkward that it seems like a perfect fit. I want them to officially get back together.

Sookie and Bill, True Blood.
From the first time they met, you could sense the connection between telepathic Sookie and vampire Bill. Yes, he's robbing the cradle, he bites Sookie during sex and isn't readily available for brunch dates. But he also regularly saves her life and appears to be pretty good in the sack. This is the ultimate bad-boy, good girl coupling.

Bill, Barb, Nikki and Margene, Big Love
Obviously, polygamy isn't for everyone. But this foursome have better, more functional relationships than many duos we know in real life. They work together and are unconditionally supportive of each other. Plus, there's always someone around to watch the kids, clean the house, make dinner and have sex with Bill. Sometimes one lady doesn't feel up to doing all of those things in one night.

Tom and Lynette, Desperate Housewives
It would have been easy for Tom and Lynette to call it quits, what with their ever-changing careers, hell-on-wheels children, the neighborhood drama and the stress of Lynette's cancer. But in the mess that is Wisteria Lane, the Scavos always find a way to make it work and be the most stable, loving couple on the block.


I loathe:

Izzie and Denny's ghost, Grey's Anatomy
Izzie's affair with her dead lover may or may not be a figment of her imagination, but it's still among the worst storylines ever. I don't even watch this show anymore, but have still heard about this plot a million times and nobody seems to like it. Ghost sex is not romantic, it's creepy.

Kath and Phil,Kath and Kim
Sure, we chuckle when they do their speed walking exercise routine together, but these two social misfits and their gross PDA are just too nauseating to watch. There's someone for everyone, but these two should be hidden away.

Christian and Liz, Nip/Tuck
Surely, this story line can't have much traction, but I hate even watching it play out. I wouldn't wish Christian upon anyone, especially not a lesbian taking her first foray into hetero relations in years. Liz is way too good for this egomaniacal womanizer, and no matter how strong she is, her heart and pride are bound to end up in tatters.

Larry and Cheryl, Curb Your Enthusiasm
Speaking of too good, what can Cheryl possibly see in Larry? He's a selfish, bumbling, insensitive man – and, let's face it, he's not winning any beauty contests, either. Their separation last season added some realistic depth to the show. I love both characters, but I'm glad they're not together.

Silas and neighbor lady, Weeds
Show of hands: Who else is grossed out by 17-year-old Silas mounting the older, MILF, sandwich lady in a room full of weed and cold cuts? Not only is it unsanitary, it's kinda depraved. Silas has obvious mommy issues because his own madre is so emotionally unavailable.

Rock of Love Bus is a Ride to Hell

I'll be honest: I am no stranger to terrible, trashy reality TV shows. I watched Flavor of Love and Rock of Love, both seasons of Bad Girls Club; Stylista, and both seasons of Charm School, which resurrected skanks from FOL and ROL and attempted to teach them manners and pride.

And that's just for starters.

I do love quality TV programs, too, but truth be told, I have no pride about what I watch. Because of that, I was shocked – no, make that floored – that a reality show was still able to unnerve me.

But thanks to Bret Michaels and his Rock of Love Bus (9 p.m. Sundays, VH1), I've considered squeezing gallons of hand sanitizer into my eyes and ears every week.

First of all, was it really necessary to film a third installation of Bret Michaels' search for love? I'm sure there are tons of nasty groupies at his concerts, so finding a skank to take home to mother surely can't be that difficult. It's not like he's looking for love with a doctor, or a lawyer, or some other upstanding professional that just doesn't have time to date around.

Anyway, here are some things that have happened in the first four installations of the show:

1. In the opening episode, one contestant inserted a shot of liquor, served in a test tube, someplace that it didn't belong. It's a good thing alcohol kills bacteria because another woman drank the shot from its, um, holder.

2. Another woman performed for Bret a self-written rap song, which she penned on the back of genital disease information sheets about herpes and gonorrhea.

3. When Bret planned mock weddings in episode two, he asked the "ladies" to write vows and bring him a gift. One woman vowed: "I promise to cook you the best, rockin' food, and to never, ever wear panties." Another woman's gift: A piece of jewelry that she had removed from a body piercing; she invited him to replace it at a later date.

4. At one point, a contestant got so drunk that she threw up – just moments before making out with Bret. His reaction: He said her kisses tasted like tequila, Doritos and "some other familiar taste.... It was the best Dorito I've ever tasted."

5. During a recent episode, Bret told the ladies to "dress to impress." On most shows, this would mean pulling out your finest nice evening gown, a little black dress, or perhaps a sun dress. On ROL Bus, it means "put on your sluttiest lingerie and then stop getting dressed." They all showed up in public wearing pleather maid's uniforms, child-sized underwear and the like.

6. The irony of the above situation, is that they were showing up to a challenge in which they'd have to act as roadies, breaking down all the band's equipment in a timed contest. When one lady took a really brutal fall backwards off the stage, she immediately gets back up and kept working even though she was in obvious pain. Her teammates are totally supportive and sympathetic: "Bret's a rock star, and if you want to date a rock star, you better get used to falling off the stage, bitch!"

And seriously, people, these are just a few highlights. All the stuff in between is just as hairball. Can you believe this is running on a regular cable station? I've seen less offensive stuff on pay-per-view.

Let's discuss.