TV Throwdown: The Bachelor Vs. Rock Of Love Bus

Oh, how we love a "showmance." They happen on reality TV all the time, but are always that much more entertaining when people set out to find love in an abbreviated time period in front of millions. Which brings us to two programs we've been watching lately: The Bachelor and Rock of Love Bus.

So, why not pit them against each other in The Most Dramatic TV Throwdown Ever?!

Bachelors:
Jason's hair isn't great, but at least it's real. Bret has a more engaging personality and a sense of humor. A date with Jason is a snooze, but at least he's ready to settle down with one woman and not have groupie sex on the side. Bret thinks a genital piercing is a really great gift, which is only a little bit more gross than the ill-fated breakdancing moves Jason showed off during an early episode.
So, the question is this: Would you rather be with someone ho-hum who won't cheat? Or somebody who likes to laugh, but may bring home the clap?
One vote for boring! I'd rather upgrade my Netflix subscription than have a lifetime supply of penicillin.

The Bachelor: 1
Rock of Love Bus: 0


The Suitors:
I'm embarrassed for the women on The Bachelor when they start blubbering and shedding actual tears about being in love after having spent approximately 20 minutes with Jason. The "ladies" on ROLB do the same thing, but also engage in myriad personal humiliations that include, but are not limited to: Regularly getting drunk enough to throw up; wearing skanky Frederick's of Hollywood lingerie as outerwear; and making profound statements like "I'm not hanging out with anyone who wears brown lip gloss!"

The Bachelor: 2
Rock of Love Bus: 0


Show format:
There is absolutely no reason the Bachelor needs to be two hours long every week. They spend at least half an hour playing flashbacks that happened 10 minutes prior, and then they show interviews where the people recap what you have just viewed. It's a colossal waste of time. Note to producers: Jason might not seem so boring if we saw him in shorter snippets.
ROLB moves along swiftly. Bret subjects his suitors to humiliating challenges to win dates; he goes on said dates; a breast or two is usually exposed at some point; a slutty catfight breaks out, and then it's on to the elimination. All in one hour. Aaaand, we have a winner.

The Bachelor: 2
Rock of Love Bus: 1


Cliches:
Each week, The Bachelor promises "The Most Shocking/Dramatic/Intense Rose Ceremony Ever!!" And if I had a quarter for every time someone used the words "amazing" or "journey" or "amazing journey," I could totally quit my day job right now. Get a thesaurus, people.
On the other hand, Rock of Love Bus is packed with other lame cliches, including Bret's standard "keeper" line at the elimination ceremony: "Will you stay on tour and continue to rock my world?" Also, I think I've heard the song "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" more times on the Rock of Love installations than I ever did in the 1980s.
But The Bachelor has had nearly 20 seasons where presumably educated people overuse "amazing" and "journey." Overkill.

The Bachelor: 2
Rock of Love Bus: 2


Dates:
Bret has taken his dates on riverboat rides, hay rides and picnics. A dream date consists of going to work with him (watching one of his shows at a random bar), then hanging out with a bunch of douches backstage. It's not that glamorous, but at least those are things that a normal couple might do, minus "take your girlfriend to work day."
Jason has taken his dates to private concerts, on spontaneous trips to Las Vegas and on shopping sprees. But for a guy who's supposed to be single father, do you really think these dates are par for the course? Hellz to the no. When the Bachelor isn't footing the bill, these ladies are going to be having dinner at The Old Spaghetti Factory, picking up after Ty and calling their moms so they have someone interesting to talk to.
So, the ladies on Rock of Love Bus are probably getting a slightly more realistic view of their futures.

The Bachelor: 2
Rock of Love Bus: 3


Bottom line: Nobody really expects these shows to produce real relationships, which means we're only watching to be entertained. Rock of Love Bus may make you cringe, but at least there's never a dull moment.