I'm Sick Of Watching Divorce Court

I am ill.

There are 130 tissues in a box of Kleenex with lotion. I have used two full boxes since Tuesday and my hubs just went to get me more. I have watched about 30 episodes of Divorce Court, several terrible Lifetime movies and tried to read a Dr. Seuss book to the baby in my stomach but it gave me a headache after four pages.

I am totally lucky to have power and heat, as much of the city doesn't after a huge snow/ice storm. But I'm still feeling sorry for myself today. I'd much rather be at work or traipsing around in snow and ice than feeling like a bag of shit for the fifth day in a row.

Woe is me. Please, antibiotics, start working soon.

The Hills Vs. The City

It was only a matter of time before we ended up comparing The City to The Hills.

After all, Whitney Port spent several years as Lauren Conrad's co-worker and friend before she branched out to New York and scored her own TV show. As a fan of Whitney (come on, she was easily the most put together cast member of The Hills), I was looking forward to her being the star of her own show. Plus, she had a job in fashion in New York. What's not to love?

As it turns out, a lot. It's just as annoying as The Hills can be, but for different reasons. Let's compare:

Love to hate characters: OK, so The Hills has Spencer Pratt, one of the biggest "reality" TV villains ever. During the first episode of The City, it seemed like Olivia was going to be an irritating, elitist witch, what with her million pairs of Manolos and fancy dinner parties. But so far, she's turned out to be sort of benign, if not boring.
She simply cannot compare to Spencer, who treats Heidi like crap, makes her mother cry and has that ridiculous, rodent-pelt growing from his face. And, we have a winner!
The Hills: 1
The City: 0

Conversation skills: On The City, all the characters manage to speak in complete sentences. Granted, their conversations might be a snoozefest, but at least they don't all break off mid-sentence.
Lauren and company are boring as well, but they also communicate as though they took a giant, mind-erasing bong hit in the middle of a thought, ie: "I can't decide if I should talk to Audrina, or ..."
So.... we'd rather talk to Whitney or Erin, thanks.
The Hills: 1
The City: 1

Crying: Between Lauren, Audrina and Stephanie, mascara tears are probably shed on nearly every episode of The Hills. Lauren gets upset when Audrina is too busy to ask her leading questions about her life. Audrina weeps over Justin Bobby. And Stephanie is generally unstable, although being related to Spencer is reason enough to cry on a regular basis.
But so far, we haven't seen Whit or her pals shed any tears. Maybe they're too busy working and/or maintaining a small shred of personal dignity. Chalk one up for The City.
Hills: 1
The City: 2

Scandals: The Hills has had several seasons to get a head start on this category. There was the infamous sex tape scandal; as well as small skirmishes, such Lauren's splintering friendships with (choose one) Heidi/Audrina/Stephanie; and former friends turned enemies, Spencer vs. Brody.
So far, the biggest scandals we've seen on The City have been Adam kissing another woman while his girl was out of town; Whitney leaving work to go look at an apartment; and Olivia's cousin getting a ticket for spitting in public.
Hey, guess what? I got a parking ticket last week, left work early on Friday and I'm pregnant! My life is officially more exciting than anyone's in The City... and I can't even drink alcohol right now.
The Hills: 2
The City: 2

I officially declare this battle a draw.

Bottom line: Is there really a victor in a contest of banal reality (cough*scripted*cough) shows? The City's cast features slightly more likeable people, so if I were forced to choose friends, it'd probably be them. But for entertainment purposes, I'd rather watch The Hills. I may say that I hate Spencer and the crying, but it sure passes the time better than watching Whitney go to non-lunches with co-workers, or seeing Olivia teeter down the street in sky-high heels.

25 Things

So, I've been tagged to post "25 random things about myself" on Facebook, like, 8 times. And finally, I am bored enough to do it. But I won't post it there, because I'll feel too lame (in front of the people I barely know but are my "friends"). So I'm doing it here instead.

Feel free to ignore.

1. If I could get up early enough to make them, I would eat tamales or enchiladas for breakfast at least once a week.

2. I only thought I'd live in Louisville for a few years. April will make six years.

3. I sometimes wonder what my natural hair color is. But not enough to stop coloring it.

4. It may or may not be true, but I think astrology can explain a lot about a person.

5. Shoes are my weakness.

6. Lately, I've had a couple of dreams that Michelle Obama and I are friends, and we go shopping together at J. Crew.

7. Every time I buy a Powerball ticket, I'm positive that I will win.

8. The teenager in me would have never believed this, but I now hate talking on the phone.

9. It's so cold at my job, I usually huddle underneath a pink Hello Kitty blanket at my desk.

10. I watch Young & The Restless every night at 7 p.m. on SoapNet.

11. Mayonnaise, mushrooms and black licorice make me shudder.

12. Vacuuming and folding laundry are my two favorite household chores.

13. Converting over to one of those flat wallets changed my life.

14. I'm happiest when I'm wearing a dress and heels.

15. I have at least 50 shades of eyeshadow, maybe more.

16. It pisses me off when I can't sleep past 7:30 on weekends. Why do you wake me up, body? WHY?

17. I love the Golden Girls. I watch them a lot when I go to bed at night.

18. The heated seats in my car almost make winter bearable.

19. I wonder why so many people in Louisville are absolutely incapable of posing for any photo without flashing a peace sign or some "I'm the shit" look on their face. Is it a regional thing, or are they just idiots?

20. I hate that I live so far away from so many of my close girlfriends.

21. The two best Christmas presents I have ever received are: My dog, Lucy, and my GPS, which saves me untold amounts of gas and miles on my car.

22. I just ate some cereal and it wasn't very satisfying. Should have had toast instead.

23. Unless I want to cry, I have to change the channel when I see sad news stories about animals -- or when that ASPCA commericial with Sarah McLachlan comes on.

24. I'm starting to get some ADD writing this list. Ten things would have been plenty.

25. I'm counting down the days until the return of my favorite Sunday night shows: True Blood, Dexter and Mad Men.

TV Throwdown: Hank Moody Vs. Jimmy McNulty

I recently finished watching the entire series of The Wire, via Netflix. All the while, the functional drunkenness of Detective Jimmy McNulty reminded me of another TV character, but I couldn't put my finger on it until last week. Then it hit me: McNulty is like the cop version of Californication's Hank Moody, a boozing, pot-smoking, womanizing writer.

So, they seemed like a perfect match-up for a TV Throwdown. Bottoms up!

Functionality while under the influence: When Hank drinks, he "accidentally" has sex with other women, including the "mouth raping" encounter during the most recent season.

McNulty does the same, but he also drives home every time, endangering the lives of others. Also, McNulty is an incredibly sloppy drunk – so much that we can't imagine why women would still sleep with him when he can't even walk. Gross.

Hank: 1

McNulty: 0

Fathering skills: Hank and McNulty both love their kids, though they could both be much more attentive. Still, when McNulty left his young boys alone in the middle of the night to go get laid, that was just too much.

Now that Karen is moving to New York, Hank is about to have full custody of Becca – and their relationship is a close one. That shows more responsibility than we see coming from McNulty.

Hank: 2

McNulty: 0

Work ethic: When they're inspired, both men are pretty much the best at what they do. McNulty is one of the most talented murder and major crimes police to ever have worked in Baltimore. He has a natural instinct, and doesn't let anything (including bosses or rules) get in the way of solving a case.

Hank is a brilliant, best-selling writer, but has several stretches of writer's block (read: unemployment) under his belt.

Hank: 2

McNulty:1

Relationship potential: Is there really any relationship potential with two serial cheaters? I think these guys love their women as much as they're capable of loving a person. But their dipsticks run the show, so nobody wins.

Hank: 2

McNulty: 1

Personal hygiene: Let's be real: Both of these guys can appear incredibly disheveled.

When McNulty was working on the (bogus) serial killer case in season five, he sometimes went days without taking showers. He went to work, then on a bender at night, then home with some random woman, and then would return to work – in the same clothes – reeking of sex and alcohol. Three days in a row. Shudder.

While Hank doesn't have a great variety in his wardrobe (his closet must be filled with black t-shirts and jeans), you can never see the fumes rising from his body like Pig Pen in the Peanuts. He may not always be clean-shaven, but he's usually clean.

Hank: 3

McNulty: 1

Bottom line: Both Hank and McNulty have tried to stop drinking, but we think Hank has the most potential to lead a relatively normal life. Especially now that he's got Becca to look out for. If that won't make a man grow up, nothing will.

I Pledge Allegiance To The United States Of Tara

In general theory, the title character for Showtime's new black comedy United States of Tara (which premieres at 10 p.m. Sunday) reminds me a little bit of Nancy Botwin from Weeds.

They're both suburban moms with seemingly ordinary lives – and they both have more to them than meets the eye. Tara (Toni Collette) has dissociative identity disorder, better known as multiple personalities; and Nancy, of course, is a widow who started selling weed to support her family.

And at first, both situations are portrayed as kind of quaint. Oh, look at Nancy try to sell a baggie of weed at the college – tee hee! Oh look, someone that looks a lot like mom just dropped the c-word and made vulgar hand gestures at the dinner table – how funny!

Well, the wheels have fallen off Nancy's seemingly innocent ride over the seasons, and we expect to see more tangible effects of Tara's condition as well. But the season premiere of Tara is nothing like the typical dark, depressing portrayals of multiple personalities (Sybil comes to mind). It's fairly lighthearted, funny and incredibly endearing. And let's face it, with Academy Award winning creator Diablo Cody (Juno) and executive producer Steven Spielberg at the helm, it's destined for greatness.

In the first installment of the show, we meet two of Tara's alter egos, which present themselves when Tara is faced with stressful situations that, for some reason, she can't handle herself.

T is a foul-mouthed, weed smokin', sexually charged teenager who wears black nail polish, has a MySpace page and doesn't care that lingerie are meant to be worn underneath clothes.

Buck is a male, gun-toting, redneck bigot with a preference for trucker hats, ratty jeans and porn. A Vietnam vet, Buck has a tendency toward violence and is easily provoked.

A third personality – Alice, a prudish, 1960s-era homemaker – appears in later episodes.

I can't imagine another actress pulling this off quite like Collette, who seamlessly brings each distinct personality to life. Four different actresses couldn't do it better; she is simply brilliant in this multi-faceted role.

But of course, Tara's constant changes do shake things up for her husband, Max (John Corbett), and teenage kids, Kate (Brie Larson) and Marshall (Keir Gilchrist). Think about it: Most teenagers are pretty much embarrassed by anything their parents do, so having the added pressure of Buck showing up at your ballet recital or Alice at a meeting with your teacher would definitely raise the angst level.

"Why can't mom just be manic depressive like all the other moms?," Kate laments in the first episode.

Still, the family unit here is strong – Tara included, when she's around – and all of them handle the changes with grace and sympathy. Max and Tara have been married 17 years, and he's able to keep things "normal" as different personalities show up for different occasions. Max's warm personality and obvious adoration for his wife are obvious, even early on.

The one sticking point is Tara's sister, Charmaine (Rosemarie DeWitt), who pooh-poohs the idea that Tara has a disease. Instead, Charmaine implies that she's making it up.

But if Charmaine were around when Buck was dispensing this, er, wise advice to Kate ("You don't want to go makin' no babies until you're 16 and can support ‘em"), she might be more willing to believe.

Showtime has another hit on its hands with Tara, and I'm certainly looking forward to getting to know her (and T, Buck and Alice) a lot better.

The City: Pop Quiz

The latest installment of The City was so boring and so predictable, we bet any regular Hills or City fan can pass the following pop quiz, even if you didn't tune in. So let's get on with it, shall we?

1. When Whitney toils away at work, what does that entail?
A) Gossiping with co-workers, discussing her lack of a real relationship over blaring music a DVF event and occasionally making sure mannequins do not remain naked.
B) Dressing mannequins and answering phones with sprinkled with a small bit of gossiping during her breaks.

2. In The City, what is a social?
A) A planned event that people attend.
B) A socialite. "It's, like, an abbreviation." – Olivia.
C) A synonym for going to work.
D) B and C

3. After Erin gushed about her and Duncan's "I love you" exchange last week, how does she react when Duncan says he wants to move to New York to further their relationship?
A) With dismay. She wants their relationship to remain long-distance, because it's always best to be miles away from the one you love.
B) "OK, but if you plan to sleep on my pillowcases ever again, you have to wash your hair at least once a week."
C). "Hopefully we can watch ‘The Sound of Music' or ‘Titanic' every night!"

4. Is Erin most likely going to be a slut?
A) Yes.
B) Yes.
C) Yes.

5. Why does Whitney goes out to lunch with a male co-worker, Chris?
A) To boost her ego.
B) To try and make Jay jealous.
C) Because "it's my life, it's my time."

6. Out of the five different meal scenes that were shown, how many times is someone actually seen chewing on, or eating food?
A) 5
B) 2
C) 1

7. When Jay munched on his chips and swilled his beer during dinner with Whitney, it made you...
A) Hungry
B) Thirsty
C) Hungry and thirsty
D) Thankful you don't have to see more people eating on this show.

8. When Whitney is talking to Erin about her uncertain future with Jay, she wonders "Why won't he communicate with me?" What is the correct response to this?
A) "Because he's sick of beating a dead horse."
B) "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus."
C) "What's communication? I thought we were just on this show to look cute, push our food around on plates and run into each other at awkward moments."
D) Any of the above.

9. When Jay tells his roommate, Adam, that he's ready to ask Whitney to be his girlfriend, how does he phrase it in man-speak?
A) "She's a wonderful woman, and I don't want to lose her."
B) "I don't want her going to lunch with d*****bags. It's on lockdown. It's Jay's now."
C) "I'm ready to settle down with my girl. Anyone that can kiss my scraggly beard face without getting a rash is worth hanging on to."

10. How does Jay ask Whitney to be his main squeeze?
A) "Let's put this on lockdown, babe."
B) "Would you like my half-beard to be your steady skin exfoliator? Be mine!"
C) "I think we maybe now could try and take things to the next level and you could be my girlfriend."
D) "It's your life and you can do what you want. But it'd be a lot cooler if you were my woman."

ANSWERS: 1. A
2. D
3. A
4. A, B, C
5. C
6. B (Erin and Jay)
7. D
8. D
9. B
10. C

8-10 right: Expert. Admit it: The City has you on lockdown.

6-8 right: Fan. Just like Days of our Lives, The City is a show you only need to watch once a month to stay apprised of situations.

4-6 right: Casual bystander. You could take The City or leave it. Kind of like Erin with her boyfriends.

0-3 right: Congratulations, you have a life! There is still time to replenish your brain cells. Go to the library immediately.

24 is back -- and so is Tony Almeida!

Poor Jack Bauer.

The put-upon main character of 24 (played by Kiefer Sutherland) has gone nearly as many rounds over the years with the U.S. government as he has terrorists. One minute, our country is punishing Bauer for ignoring procedure on matters of terrorism and national security. The next, he's being summoned from (insert one: a Chinese prison, his job with defense secretary James Heller, his work at an oil refinery, etc.) because he's the only one who can save the American people from evildoers.

In other words, he's Batman with more guns and better instincts, minus the goofy outfit.

And when 24 finally returns for its four-hour, two-night season seven premiere extravaganza (8 p.m. Sunday and Monday nights on FOX), things haven't changed much.

After having turned himself to the U.S. government in order to save the lives of African children in November's prequel, 24: Redemption, Bauer is now in a Senate hearing regarding his inappropriate actions during his time with CTU. And he's questioned for approximately three minutes before FBI Agent Renee Walker (Annie Wersching) retrieves him.

CTU has been disbanded, so the feds are handling terrorism threats and – surprise, surprise – they need Bauer immediately.

The current threat: Bauer's old CTU buddy, Tony Almeida (Carlos Bernard), has miraculously risen from the dead and is thought to be operating a homegrown terrorist group that is allegedly working with/for a dangerous African militia. (Almeida's resurrection will be explained in the premieres.)

As is fairly typical of the show, the first couple of hours are filled with various storylines that will inevitably intertwine. And they're all the kinds of things that always make 24 so action-packed and edge-of-your-seat exciting.

Kidnapping and deep-seeded government corruption? Check. Snipers, rapid gunfire eruptions and secrets kept from the President? Uh-huh. People stupid enough to think that they know better than, or can control, Bauer? Of course. Bauer escaping a highly secure government facility in the most ridiculous manner imaginable? You bet.

And oh, how I've missed Bauer's catchphrases: "We're running out of time!," "Dammit!" – and my personal favorite – "DO IT!," which usually follows a command such as "drop your weapon!"

Now, you can never get too attached to people on 24 because so many of them bite the dust, but season seven introduces some intriguing new characters that we hope stick around. Janeane Garofalo shows up as slightly neurotic Agent Janis Gold, who appears to be the FBI version of CTU's Chloe O'Brian (Mary Lynn Rajskub). Agent Walker looks like she'll be a total rogue/bad-ass -- a female Bauer, perhaps?

The decisive leadership style of new President Allison Taylor (Cherry Jones) also shows a lot of promise. Early on, she proves that she's willing to go head-to-head with her advisers, focus on solutions instead of problems and follow her gut instincts. What remains to be seen is if those instincts are any good.

As for throwback characters, it's great to see Almeida back – he was always a fan favorite and for the ladies, a nice bit of eye candy. (He's got a gnarly scar above his left eye now -- sexy!) But other popular CTU alums will also make their way back come Monday night. CTU may be shut down, but several old staffers are still in play.

Ultimately, 24 fans will be pleased come Sunday and Monday, especially after such a long hiatus between seasons. While the intense, fast-paced the formula is the same, several fresh storylines (the competence of the FBI vs. CTU, in particular) will invigorate the series.

So mark your calendars or set your DVRs right now.

DO IT!

For the love of God, where is my DVD?!

So, I ordered this yoga DVD off of Amazon last week. Usually, Amazon stuff gets here quickly, but I haven't even received an email that it's been shipped yet.

I just read fine print on the email order confirmation, however, which revealed my order would be arrive 3-16 days after shipping. 16 days? Are they strapping this fucking thing to the back of a turtle?

Geez.

The City Recap: We Found Audrina and Justin Bobby in the Big Apple

In retrospect, it's easy to see why Whitney was the most likable character on The Hills. It's because she was always the one asking the questions instead of exposing too much of her own personal life.

She's still a nice woman and all, but as we tread deeper into The City, a scenario that smells an awful lot like Audrina and Justin Bobby is starting to unfold.

The second installment of the show opens with Erin and her Canadian boyfriend, Duncan, sitting on the couch messing around with the guitar, and having a nice intimate moment – until Whitney comes in and interrupts.

(Duncan is from Toronto and visiting for the week, and as you'll remember, Whit is crashing with Erin in her one-bedroom place until she finds her own apartment.)

Whitney: "You must really like Erin."

Duncan: Crickets. Friendly!

Erin and Duncan start talking about what movies they might watch that night (Titanic or The Sound of Music? Are you freakin' kidding me?), and Whitney gets ready to leave.

"Have fun," Duncan says. Translation: Get. Out.

At work, Whitney is helping style a photo shoot when Jay calls. He found an apartment for her to look at, and she considers leaving work right then to look at it. We always thought Whitney had a work ethic! "I feel like I should see it," she tells Olivia, "but obviously, (work) is my first priority."

Obviously. She ends up scooting out early to see the spot – on the 30th floor of a brand new building. Whitney seems uncertain about choosing the first place she sees, but after Jay eludes that they'll "finally have alone time," she takes it.

Back at work, Whitney tells Olivia about the place, and that Jay is going to help her move that weekend. Olivia offers unsolicited advice: "You have to be independent, I hope you're not too demanding on Jay. You have to be your own person."

Erin and Duncan go to a bar and have a snoozer of a conversation about long-distance relationships, which all of the sudden makes watching a three-hour sapfest about a sinking ship seem like a day at the amusement park.

Fast forward a few days, and Whitney's getting moved in to her new place. Erin tells Whit and Jay that she and Duncan had declared their love for one another the night before. Jay admonishes her, saying it's too soon. "You throw that word around too quickly and easily," he says.

Later, Whit and Erin discuss the "I love you" exchange alone, and conclude that if it feels right, it's never too soon to drop the ILY bomb. Whitney decides that she ask Jay where the relationship is headed (again). We start to think Olivia's advice wasn't such a bad idea after all.

Olivia talks to her cousin Nevan at her place. He tells her he got a $100 fine for spitting in public, but he thought it was perfectly legal since he saw some chick do it on Flavor of Love. She tells Nevan that Whitney should start taking her advice, for she is the all-knowing Oz.

At yet another meal where nobody is seen eating, Jay and Whitney discuss the Erin and Duncan sitch, which leads to a chat about their relationship. Soon, Jay's inner Justin Bobby is revealed! He thinks getting caught up in boyfriend/girlfriend labels is stupid. "I don't want it to feel like it's all about the relationship," he says, as Whitney admits that she would like to be his girlfriend if that's what he wanted. But if he's not ready for that, then she doesn't want that.

Awkward!

"So it's all good?" he asks.

Whitney reiterates that going with the flow is no biggie to her ... but her face looks like a dump truck just ran over the Manolos she bought last week.

To end the show, Jay suggests they eat. He orders a plate of He's Not That Into You, and Whitney gets a slice of Desperation Pie.

Back in business!

I know you've been wondering how I'm holding up without the big TV. Oh, you haven't? You think I should read more?

Huh.

Well, no matter. The TV is back! I unplugged it for about 5 hours and now it's working again. Hooray! And just so you know, the first thing I'm going to do is do an exercise video. It's not quite a book, but it won't deteriorate my brain like The Hills, either.


Happy weekend!

Is this a sign?

Happy new year!

I'm sad to report that our giant, LCD TV is experiencing serious issues -- which means I'm also having some serious issues. Long story short, I get sound from the TV, but no picture. But I do get a picture when I watch DVDS. Weird.

Whether it's a problem with the cable box, or a problem with the TV itself (which is still under warranty, thank God), nobody is in any office to help me today.

Which means I'll have to watch one of the other, smaller, non-HD TVs while I take down the Christmas tree, fold laundry and weed out some of my clothes to give away. This may not sound like a big deal to you. Before we got this TV, I wouldn't have thought so, either.

But after watching insanely crisp television for almost a year, this is like going from prime rib to Steak-Ums. Or from a fabulous pair of pumps to grungy Birkenstocks. Or from a Bentley to a 1987 Ford Festiva.

Plus, my husband is out of town right now, so the only place I'll get to see him is on the tube, and I want to see him BIG.

Are the gods of "You Should Read More Often" fucking with me? Probably. But hey, you can't read while you fold laundry and put Christmas back in a box, so what the hell am I supposed to do?

Oh well. If this is my biggest problem for 2009, I feel pretty fortunate. Thanks for listening.

Cheers, everybody!