Thursday, July 22, 2010
I intended to write about a lot of parenting stuff, but I'm finding that I don't have a lot of time for that. It's mostly my TV stories from Film.com. But I'm going to try and get better about updating. Better than I was here, for sure. :) I found that Tumblr was easier to use, even from my cell phone.
Go here for a great time!
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Over seven seasons, Nip/Tuck has given basic cable TV a serious facelift, introducing viewers to some of the most creative, bizarre, edgy television not on HBO or Showtime.
With their personal and professional transgressions, plastic surgeons Sean McNamara (Dylan Walsh) and Christian Troy (Julian McMahon) have wreaked havoc on Miami and L.A. They've bedded women, compromised personal ethics, screwed up their families and pretty much alienated themselves from just about everyone else along the way. Compelling television, for sure.
So when Nip/Tuck stitches things up for good on March 3 in the series finale, we'll be sorry to see it go. While it's impossible to revisit every event that made us salivate for new seasons, certain scenes are etched in our memories forever -- and many of them have to do with the strange procedures their clients requested over the years.
We'd like to bid them farewell by recounting their top 10 most bizarre surgeries. Thanks for the memories, guys.
BARBIE BOOBS: In a recent episode, a couple -- who claimed they were perfectly happy in a sexless relationship -- were on a journey becoming human replicas of Barbie and Ken. In order for the woman to more accurately resemble a naked Barbie, they asked Sean and Christian to completely remove her nipples. Once she'd completed the surgery, "Ken" realized he was gay, dumped her, and hooked up with a G.I. Joe lookalike.
BUTT FACE: After a drunken fraternity prank went wrong, Sean and Christina were summoned to a frat house because the prospective patients couldn't be transported. Two guys' faces had been glued to another dude's butt cheeks. In order to separate the trio, the docs had to remove pieces of the kid's posterior and later did skin grafts to reconstruct his ass.
FOSSIL FETUS: After losing a bunch of weight, a woman who played Mrs. Claus at the mall went in for a last bit of lipo, to complete her new, healthful image for Santa's Village. While in surgery, the doctors found, and removed, a calcified fetus. The married patient had never known she was pregnant, but believed the fetus to be a product of an affair she had 17 years prior. Ho, ho, ho!
CALCULATING CORPSE: Mrs. Grubman, a plastic surgery-addicted recurring character, had been turned away by the Christian in the past after having too many procedures. But when she was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer, she requested one last favor: Post-mortem plastic surgery, in order to look divine at her funeral.
BREAST IN PEACE: For a French patient, merely cherishing the memory of her deceased husband wasn't adequate. So, she visited McNamara/Troy to have her late husband's ashes injected into her saline breast implants. It was later revealed that she was actually his mistress, and had stolen his ashes from his wife. Creep-o-rama!
BABY GOT BACK: In one of the most ridiculous episodes, Jennifer Coolidge guest starred as a patient who had recently discovered she had some African-American heritage. Naturally, she decided to start a rap career, but not without butt implants, which she felt would more adequately reflect her newly-discovered background.
YOGA POSE: An extremely flexible and well-endowed yoga instructor discovered her could give himself fellatio, and became so addicted to it, he found it impossible to leave the house or do anything else. So, he visited McNamara/Troy to have his penis shortened.
HONEYMOON BUFFET: After getting stuck in a snowstorm for ten days during her honeymoon, a hypoglycemic woman began hallucinating. Her husband helped her snap out of it by cutting out pieces of his arm, heating them up with cigarette lighter and feeding them to her. She was disgusted by the incident, so she asked Sean and Christian to fix her husband's scars. But hubby got an infection after the surgery, and the docs were stumped as to why. Come to find out that the wife sliced out parts of her own forearm, and fed them to her beloved in order to return the favor.
I ONLY HAVE EYES FOR YOU: A man wanted to propose to his Japanese girlfriend, but first needed to make a change to impress her xenophobic parents. So, he requested surgery to make his eyes look Japanese. In the end, her parents didn't buy it, but were so impressed with his dedication to their daughter, they gave the union their blessing.
STRANDED ON DEATH ROW: Prison officials asked Sean and Christian to give an obese death-row prisoner liposuction because he was too fat to be properly executed. The docs were totally opposed to it, until they were promised that their son, Matt (Christian is the bio dad, but Sean raised him), who was in prison for armed robbery, would be released. Before the surgery, Matt found out that the obese man was actually innocent, but let the events play out in order to be released.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Meanwhile, these Olympic athletes have to one-up me by going outside in the snow and actually doing stuff, like winning athletic medals for their countries. Sheesh, what show-offs!
Seriously, though, even if it weren't frigid out, I'd be hard-pressed to separate myself from the Olympics. I'm ... addicted, you see. The further I get from my youth, the more impressive each installment of the Olympics becomes.
But what if winter and summer had to compete against each other for overall supremacy? Well, now they do. I scored each category with medals.
The winter games have a few names that the Average Joe has probably heard: Shaun White (1 gold) and Apolo Ohno (2 gold, 1 silver, 2 bronze).
But nothing can compare to the celebrity of the summer games, which includes super-swimmer Michael Phelps (6 gold, 2 bronze); tennis queens Venus (3 gold) and Serena (2 gold) Williams and the country's best NBA players, Kobe Bryant, Lebron James and Dwyane Wade (3 gold).
Summer reigns supreme here.
Winter medal count: 3 gold, 1 silver, 2 bronze; 6 total
Summer medal count: 14 gold, 2 bronze; 16 total
Don't get me wrong: The summer games require a great deal of athletic prowess.
But most of the sports (running, table tennis, swimming, basketball, volleyball, etc.) are things any regular person can do at their local gym. True, summer Olympians can do things faster and better than a normal folks (1 gold, 1 silver, 1 bronze). But the sports themselves can be performed by laymen without undergoing rigorous training.
Not true with most of the winter Olympic sports. Based on blistering speeds (luge, skeleton), towering heights (snowboarding half pipe) or a combination of the two (freestyle skiing), many of the winter sports can result in life-threatening injuries, or death, if even the tiniest error takes place. (Rest in peace, Nodar Kumaritashvili.)
Winter athletes not only have skills, they have colossal cajones, willing to risk their lives for sport (15 gold medals). Disagree? Then go slide 90 miles per hour on a skeleton next week and report back to me.
Winter: 18 gold, 1 silver, 2 bronze; 21 total
Summer: 15 gold, 1 silver, 3 bronze; 19 total
Let's be honest: When it's gray, depressing and freezing outside, the Olympics are a fantastic distraction. There are certainly ways to chip away at two weeks of winter (1 gold, 1 silver).
When the summer games are on, however, there's so much else to do. Instead of watching people play volleyball, tennis, basketball or badminton, for instance, you can go play them yourself.
Admit it: The only times you watch the summer games are on your computer at work, and before bed at night (1 bronze). Anything else that's worth seeing will be on sports highlights.
Winter: 19 gold, 2 silver, 2 bronze; 23 total
Summer: 12 gold, 4 silver, 4 bronze; 20 total
Because so many winter events are solo missions, the summer games boast a stronger intensity. From the incessant, serious grunting of the tennis players (2 gold), to the blink-and-you'll-miss-em short sprints (3 silver) to action-packed basketball games (1 gold, 1 silver), head-to-head competitions are usually more dramatic and offer instant gratification!
Winter has a few such sports, including speed skating (1 gold), snowboarding cross (1 silver) and cross-country skiing (1 bronze). But in every other event, the athletes sit and watch their competitors instead of going against them simultaneously.
Winter: 20 gold, 3 silver, 3 bronze; 26 total
Summer: 15 gold, 8 silver, 4 bronze; 27 total
What the winter games might lack in head-to-head contests, they more than make up for in the wow-factor.
Tell us you haven't drawn in a sharp, nervous breath watching a snowboarder soar above the crowd during the halfpipe (2 gold); an athlete careen through an icy track face first during the skeleton (1 gold, 1 silver, 1 bronze); or a skier taking a huge tumble, bouncing off moguls (3 bronze).
Watching the winter games is exhilarating because the sports are often daring, and there's a very real chance the athlete won't be able to complete their task without a brutal spill.
Meanwhile, during summer, there's usually no doubt whether the athletes will finish rowing or swimming... it's just a matter of how fast they can do it (1 silver).
Aaaaand, it's winter for the win!
Winter: 23 gold, 4 silver, 7 bronze; 34 total
Summer: 15 gold, 9 silver, 4 bronze; 28 total
Bottom line: We love us some summer games, too. But the winter games are riskier, more unpredictable and rich with events/tricks that the average person can't even fathom doing. Winter doesn't start with W-I-N for nothin'.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
If my television set had feelings, it would probably be upset that I wasn't buying it anything for Valentine's Day. After all, we do spend an awful lot of time together. Even when I'm cleaning or making dinner or writing, my Samsung is usually on in the background, keeping me company.
No, it will not receive any See's Candies or romantic candlelight dinner, but it will get something special. It's the least I can do.
Here, I will honor the many television shows that make my life whole -- and also the ones that make me question my viewing habits. Oh, TV, how to do I love thee? Let me count the ways ... in lines of five, seven and five syllables.
Short and sweet, these haiku pay tribute to some of the best (and worst) programs on the tube.
forges bonds. But Twinkies have
a longer shelf life.
DANCING WITH THE STARS
They could dance with dolls
for all we care. We just watch
for the rad outfits.
Mounds of stuff and filth.
Sometimes, dead, skeletal cats.
"I'm a collector!"
Blurry body parts
Caught in compromising acts
Punches will be thrown
THE TYRA BANKS SHOW
Thank you, Tyra,
for showing us women born
with two vaginas.
THE BAD GIRLS CLUB
Each season's cast could
be plucked straight from the stages
of Jerry Springer.
Orange skin and hair gel
Bad clothes, fist pumps and Snickers!
Gym, tanning, laundry.
A witty talk show
for a generation of
TODDLERS & TIARAS
Overweight stage moms
Dress their daughters like hookers
Next stop is Teen Mom
That's all these teens need:
Cameras rolling while they
make bad decisions.
Nancy Botwin makes
Teen Moms look like June Cleaver.
Plus, Andy is hot.
"Name a famous town."
"Europe!" (Pause) "Good, answer, Bob!"
They are bad liars.
Severed body parts
dropped in Atlantic Ocean
Dexter's sea graveyard
THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS
For God's sake, Sharon!
Is there anyone in town
You haven't slept with?
Hank Moody should meet
Sharon from Y&R, then
stock up on condoms.
Saving the free world
Without food or bathroom breaks
I am Jack Bauer
I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS PREGNANT
Pregnancy is like
Getting your ass kicked from within.
You had NO idea?
To me, camping is
Staying at a nice hotel.
'Survivors' are NUTS!
Forget the vampires.
We most enjoy the parts with
Lafayette. He rules.
MAN VS. FOOD
Host Adam Richman
went to Yale, now power eats
If you can't stomach
the gore on True Blood, this
is like vampire-lite.
Have more buried skeletons
Than wives and children
I'd also need pills,
If I had to hump Eddie.
It's catch 22.
Today on Judge Mathis:
Exotic stripper showdown!
"She had no pole skills!"
I'm not sure who is
funnier: Clueless dad Phil,
or Lily's two dads.
If all cougars looked
like Courteney Cox, more dudes would
be dating elders.
YO GABBA GABBA!
My favorite songs:
'There's a party in my tummy'
Also, 'I like bugs'
REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY
Rhinestone halter tops
are the chosen attire
for cooking dinner.
WHAT NOT TO WEAR
Stacy and Clinton
are sometimes cruel but they are
Monday, February 1, 2010
That's why it can't hurt to foretell the game results using several random categories. But for this edition, we'll tally the categories using football scoring, with our guess for the final game score at the bottom. You heard it here first!
QUARTER ONE: UNIFORMS
The Colts have one thing going for them: You can't say anything bad about blue, for it's the color of most denim (+7). White isn't always flattering, and it gets dirty easily, but the lucky horseshoe symbols on the Colts' helmets help make up for that.
Lucky for the Saints, you can never go wrong wearing black, which is the consummate color of both chic-ness and bad-assery (+7). Throw in a little metallic gold (+3), and a classy fleur-de-lis symbol, and you have yourself a uniform both men and women can appreciate.
QUARTER TWO: MASCOTS
Technically, a saint is a religious figure, which doesn't really impose much of a threat on a football field. As far as we know, there is no St. Ray Lewis.
Meantime, New Orleans' sideline mascots include Gumbo the Dog (a Saint Bernard in a football uniform) and Sir Saint, who looks like Snidley Whiplash in eyeliner and a football uni. Meh.
However, a baby horse isn't really that menacing either -- especially Indy's goofy, furry, smiling colt mascot that looks like a character from Sesame Street. While horses are known athletes (+3), they are also gentle, loving creatures that would rather graze in a field than sack a quarterback.
So for intimidation, we'll have to go with the Saints. Gumbo is a tad soft, but Sir Saint looks devious and ready for a battle (scores +6 for the touchdown, but misses the extra point because of the eyeliner).
QUARTER THREE: COOLEST CITY
Sure, the Indy 500 is one of the best-known sporting events in the country (+3). But other than that, Indianapolis isn't a Mecca of much else.
New Orleans has the week-long party known as Mardi Gras (+7). On top of that, the city is known for jazz music, Cajun and Creole food, surviving Hurricane Katrina and its famous French Quarter here (+7). So, pretty much no contest on this one.
QUARTER FOUR: SUPER SNACKS
Besides the usual fare of beer, pizza and chips, no Super Bowl party is complete without team-themed snacks.
New Orleans presents a plethora of lip-smacking options, including gumbo, beignets, King Cake and Hurricane cocktails (+10, seven for the snacks, three for the super-strong drink).
Indianapolis? After Googling, we discovered its traditional foods include pork tenderloin sandwiches and -- wait for it! -- corn. Sounds more like State Fair snacks than Super Bowl party dishes, but we'll throw a +2 their way because you need some kind of sustenance to soak up the alcohol on Super Bowl Sunday.
New Orleans wins this quarter, hands down.
Bottom line: Sorry folks, this one's a blowout. When it comes to the preceding categories, there's no reason to even play the game on Sunday. The Saints are marching into first place!
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Knockout siblings Kim, Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian have a knack for making family relations look easy. Fun, even.
Sure, they've had a few blowouts on their reality series, Keeping Up With Kardashians. But for the most part, they make this only child wish I had a sis.
However, now that Kourtney and Khloe are branching out with their own upcoming reality show, Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami, is it possible for the sisterly support continue? Or will the claws of competition come out, leaving Kim as an afterthought as her sisters assume center stage?
Well, here, for the moment, they'll spar in a TV Throwdown. After all, a little sibling rivalry never killed anyone.
Khloe ended her seven-month relationship with Minnesota Timberwolf, Rashad McCants, earlier this year.
Allegedly tired of her man's flirtatious and hard-partying ways, Kourtney also dumped fiance Scott Disick in 2009.
Meanwhile, Kim and Reggie Bush have been going strong for more than a year, and by many reports, are a happy, healthy, normal celebrity couple. Now, how often do you hear something like that?
Score one for Kim.
Kim's job essentially involves modeling, making public appearances and filming her TV show. Khloe and Kourtney do sometimes work for a living in their store, Dash, although it's not usually a major plot point in Keeping Up with the Kardashians.
So it will be nice to see Khloe and Kourtney forge out on their own and open a new Dash store in Miami, which is the basic gist of the new show.
But for now, Kim's primary gig of getting paid to model, travel and party seems like a more glamorous life than selling dresses and keeping books.
All three sisters have their own websites, and use Twitter frequently. Kim's pictures are definitely the sexiest, but her blog and Twitter entries are all pretty self-serving.
Kourtney's updates are few and far between and most of them are ho-hum at best.
Khloe's installations are, by far, the funniest (she posted pictures of her mom, Kris, after she passed out and the sisters decorated her face with black eyeliner), the most interactive ("If you opened a candy store, which 5 candies would you have stocked at all times?") and frank (she admitted her profile pic is the mug shot from her DUI charges and that she thinks it's a flattering photo). So Khloe can easily carry Kourtney in this round.
OTHER TV SHOWS
We had high hopes that Kim and her magical booty would rock Dancing With the Stars. Instead, her shyness and lack of skills sent her packing within the first few weeks.
Khloe fared a little better during her stint on Celebrity Apprentice, until Donald Trump fired her upon finding out about her two-year-old DUI. (Way to research your cast, Donald. Khloe has been dealing with the consequences of this DUI on Kardashians for months.)
Anyway, Kim was rightfully let go from DWTS. Khloe, on the other hand, got the shaft. Clint Black was, by far, the biggest disappointment during that episode of Celebrity Apprentice. Considering her unfair departure from the Apprentice, we feel Khloe is the bigger success story here.
Score one for the sisters.
We should soon be seeing Kim in all kinds of sexy Pepsi Max ads, a selection of which have been previewed on her personal blog and on various gossip websites. She's also been Twittering about her participation in the Nivea "Goodbye Cellulite, Hello Bikini Challenge."
Khloe's recent nude ads for PETA were definitely hot to trot, and we appreciate her dedication to animals. But many folks see PETA's over-the-top demonstrations a little bit hard to stomach.
So when it comes to user-friendly endorsements, Kim made the smarter choices. Lotion and soda don't really tend to ruffle many feathers.
Bottom line: For now, Kim still has the upper hand here, but just barely. Khloe and Kourtney will definitely get their chance to shine when their new show airs -- and we're looking forward to seeing how they fare when they're out of their more famous sister's shadow. Kourtney seems to be woefully behind the scenes in comparison to the other two, so we're especially looking forward to seeing her come out of her shell a bit.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
But here are a few things that are on my mind. Because I know you care.
1. I've been increasingly nervous about becoming a capable mother. Then I found out that Kendra Wilkinson of The Girls Next Door fame is pregnant.
She announced the news a few days after the premiere of her new reality show, Kendra, during which she installed a stripper pole in her new house before even thinking about getting furniture or groceries.
When she finally did hit the grocery store, she exclaimed, "I love Rice-a-Roni, but I had no idea it was Mexican food!"
Suddenly, I feel slightly better about my own situation.
2. I went to a labor and delivery class at the hospital last week, which is designed to be educational and make people feel prepared. It scared the shit out of me.
3. I know soap operas are ridiculous, but there are two knocked up women on The Young & The Restless right now, and both of them claim that they can already feel their babies kicking when they're, like, two months along. Give me a fucking break.
4. Why, why, WHY am I watching I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here!???? Perhaps to see Janice Dickinson pee in the campsite and steal other people's food? Or is it to see Stephen Baldwin's awesome (read: worst I've ever seen) tattoos?
I mean, American Idol castoff Sanjaya Malakar is by far the most likeable person on the show. I'd rather have him and fellow contestant John Salley live in my guest room for a month than share a one-hour meal with any of these other assholes.
5. I am going to have fondue next week with my friend Javacia and I can't wait. I love her, and I love dipping things into melty goodness.
That is all.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Here, I salute 10 of my favorite reality show meltdowns.
10. Michael cries for Mommy
One of the most memorable reality-show exits came courtesy of HGTV's Design Star contestant Michael Stribling, who was full of smart-assery and venom during the competitions. But when he was eliminated, he melted like a Popsicle in a microwave. "This is not the end of me. I have a lot to offer." His face reddened and the tears started flowing. "I just didn't want to disappoint my mom. I want my mom right now. I want my mom."
9. Kesan's slow burn
Getting into arguments over the one house telephone is a common instigator on reality shows. But once Kesan and Creepa's phone fight ended on From G's to Gents, Kesan couldn't let it go. While the rest of the house slept, he stayed awake all night, slowly stewing into an hours-long, sleep-deprived meltdown. "I want revenge," he said. "At this point, everyone is a target and they better watch their backs." By the next day, he was evilly caressing an ink pen and telling housemates, "Next person who say something to me, I'ma try and kill ‘em."
Nobody needed a Bic to the eyeball; the G's snitched on him and home he went.
8. Kim Kardashian abandons her fam
In a days-long tantrum that spanned two episodes of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, Kim finally reached her breaking point while on a family ski trip to Colorado. She and her sisters had been arguing over her purchase of a Bentley and Kim had already swung a giant, full leather satchel at Khloe's head. Once in Colorado, Kim ignored the family in favor of her Blackberry. Kris threw Kim's PDA on the carpet, so Kim found the entire family's phone and started hurling them from the balcony. Then she walked out into the snowy wonderland – wearing heels, if my memory proves correct, and pulling her rolling suitcase behind her – to go back home.
7. Sharon Osbourne douses Megan
Megan Hauserman has made a career of backstabbing people on reality shows, and she definitely rubbed Charm School headmistress/mentor Sharon Osbourne the wrong way. But all hell broke loose at the reunion finale, when a drunken, bikini-clad Megan was full of high-pitched screeches and interruptions. Finally, Sharon calmly told Megan that she should be spayed. Then Megan implied the only reason Sharon was famous was for marrying Ozzy. And Sharon got up, cleared her throat and threw a glass of water all over Megan.
Needless to say, Ricki Lake has replaced Sharon as Charm School leader.
6. Joan and Melissa Rivers: Consummate Professionals
Somehow, the Rivers' missed the whole concept of Celebrity Apprentice: It's a game show where people get kicked off week by week. Upon elimination, Melissa was the sorest loser out there. Instead of leaving with dignity, she deemed her fellow competitors – among other bleeped-out things – "whore pit vipers." Mom Joan got in on the name-calling, too, showing where Melissa learned her sportsmanship skills.
5. Tyra blows a gasket
On America's Next Top Model, Tyra Banks' normal personality is that of a mentor, albeit a goofy one, who guides her potential protegees with a firm but gentle hand. But when season four contestant Tiffany displayed a bad attitude and complete indifference, you could visibly see the horns rise from the back of Tyra's head as she exploded in anger, screaming at Tiffany to "SHUT UP!" before reading her the riot act.
4. Bad Girls Beat Down
It's hard to say exactly what provoked Amber's beatdown during a Mexican vacation on the most recent season of the Bad Girls Club. Amber had annoyed the other girls all season, but on this night, Amber had been minding her own business, dancing alone in a nightclub. But when the night came to an end, the other drunken cast members all attacked Amber outside the club, and began kicking her as she laid out on the sidewalk. Amber required medical attention and the cops were called in, but the worst part was that some girls had absolutely no remorse.
3. Sgt. Harvey vs. Screech
While on Celebrity Fit Club, Dustin "Screech" Diamond alienated all his castmates by talking incessantly about his porn tape and his male unit. He took it a step further when he personally insulted all of them, but when he threatened ex-Marine/fitness expert/CFC judge, Sgt. Harvey Walden, Screech was lucky to escape with his life. "You must be out your mind!," Walden screamed. "DON'T YOU EVER F-ING THREATEN ME! I will wear your ass out! ... I'm here to help your fat ass. ... Don't you ever in your f-ing cartoon life ever f-ing threaten me, bitch. I will wear your ass out! You take that to your porn convention!"
2. CT jumps to conclusions
Real World alum CT is no stranger to televised skirmishes. But literally moments into the season premiere of Real World Road Rules Duel II, CT lost his marbles because someone told his ex, Diem, that he had (already) hooked up with busty blonde Shauvon. Katie spilled the beans, but CT assumed it was Adam -- who is half his size and was dressed in a full set of pajamas for a costume party -- and beat the stuffing out of him. CT promised: "I will smash his head and eat it!"
1. Vanilla Ice brings the heat
The Surreal Life Fame Games brought back several of VH1 Surreal Life alum to compete for $100,000. Toward the end of the show, Ron Jeremy cast his vote to eliminate his chum, Vanilla Ice and the Iceman had a meltdown, destroying much of the show's set. He hurled vases, broke giant stage lights, crushed a drum set and screamed in Ron Jeremy's face: "You swore on your mother's grave! BACKSTABBER!" The rest of the cast calmly watched in horror, speechless. Later, Ice proclaimed, "I put him on my album, I told everyone how cool he was." That's OK, Vanilla. We doubt anyone heard it.
Got any favorites I missed?
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Actress and former Dancing With the Stars contestant Denise Richards is back for a second season of It's Complicated (11 p.m.), where she navigates Hollywood, dating and motherhood.
So, who are we more willing to set our DVRs for? We'll let you know after we pit the two against each other in five categories in a TV Throwdown:
Most suspect that Richards agreed to a reality show to try and repair her tarnished reputation after her bitter divorce from Charlie Sheen, and after being accused of stealing Richie Sambora from her former best friend, Heather Locklear.
Instead, Richards' program proves she's shallow, inane, not too bright – and above all else – boring. In other words, this show isn't doing her any favors.
Wilkinson, who was a mere civilian before becoming one of Hef's girlfriends, has nothing to lose by doing another show. She has no career to speak of, and she's like a cartoon character, made of flesh (and silicone). Since we don't see her heading off to college any time soon, she might as well make some dough doing this.
Richards' roster most famously includes Charlie Sheen, 44, who, in his life has appreciated the services of prostitutes; became a born again Christian; overdosed on coke; had five kids (two with Richards); and allegedly verbally assaulted and threatened to kill Richards during their divorce. Richards has also been linked to John Stamos, Patrick Muldoon and Richie Sambora.
Wilkinson's claim to fame is being a girlfriend to Hugh Hefner, 83. Hef enjoys wearing silk pajamas during the daytime; is an athiest; throws ridiculously huge parties at his renowned mansion; is technically still married to spouse Kimberley Conrad, but has multiple, rotating girlfriends; has four kids; and has a constant flow of half-naked women around the house.
Neither make great boyfriend material, but least all of Denise's dudes were within her age range.
Hearing people laugh is supposed to make you feel good and jovial. But listening to these annoying blonde babes cackle gives us both an earache and a headache. Kendra sounds a bit like a monotone Woody Woodpecker, while Denise's guffaws are comparable a female version of Louis in Revenge of the Nerds.
But Kendra loses this round, for the simple fact that she assaults us with her laugh more often than Denise does. She cracks up every time she does something stupid. Which is all the time.
I can say this: There aren't a whole lot of specific moments that stand out in my memory from either woman's past shows. In general, Kendra loves to flash her boobs, play sports and meanders through life on a feeble brain and good looks. Denise has had a mediocre acting career, owns too many pets, swears a lot in front of her kids and leads a pretty dull life.
That said, I'd rather watch Kendra learn to do laundry than see Denise get another spray tan. Denise's promotional teaser for her show says it best: "It doesn't matter if I hit a home run or strike out, at least I'm in the game." Um, if you expect us to waste our time watching your show, it matters to us.
Denise's short-lived, uncoordinated stint on Dancing With the Stars was terrible -- almost as bad as her rendition of "Take Me Out to the Ball Game," which she unleashed upon a crowd at a Chicago Cubs game.
However, Kendra had the most embarrassing showing when she competed on Celebrity Rap Superstar, often forgetting the words during performances and relying on obscene gyrations to propel her.
Still, Kendra is also pretty athletic, proving herself capable at tennis and flag football in various Girls Next Door episodes. Plus, Denise demonstrated her bottomless pit of talentlessness in two separate categories. Kendra barely squeaks by with the win.
Bottom line: While Kendra grated on my last nerve during The Girls Next Door, she is undeniably entertaining and we plan to tune in. Meanwhile, I fell asleep during numerous episodes of It's Complicated. Denise is a train wreck, but I just don't care. Why this show has been renewed, I will never understand.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
We’re not talking Angelina Jolie-type fame or anything, but VH1 loves resurrecting former dating show contestants and placing them in other competition shows such as I Love Money (a co-ed contest to win money) and Charm School (a program that tries to teach scruples and manners to rough women from its dating shows).
Here, we rank the top five notorious personalities that rejected by Bret Michaels, but not by American TV viewers. And for fun, we’ve paired them with an applicable Poison hit.
5. Brandi Cunningham, "I Want Action"
With a soft-spoken baby voice, Brandi captured attention by calling a scar on her face “a disability,” calling her cat “a human,” and stating that her breast implants were the best birthday present she’d ever received from her parents. After participating what appeared to be a foursome with Bret, Lacey and Heather, she was dismissed from the first season show. But that wasn’t the end of Brandi.
In addition to parts in I Love Money and Charm School, Brandi also went on to do an adult film under an alias. She’s slated to have a role in Megan Hauserman’s new reality show, Trophy Wife as well.
4. Lacey Connor – “Talk Dirty to Me”
Not only did Lacey talk dirty to her fellow contestants, she played dirty as well. Of all the seasons’ ladies, Lacey was the biggest back stabber, instigator and villain that we’ve seen. She always promised to push other contestants to their breaking points, and was partially responsible for getting her “friends” kicked off the show by using personal information against them. Which is probably why she kept getting invited back to terrify contestants in subsequent seasons.
Lacey continued her reign of terror on Charm School, and even though she expressed (fake) remorse for her actions, Sharon Osbourne gave her the boot.
3. Daisy de la Hoya, "Sexual Thing"
It's not like we've committed every ep from ROL2 to memory. But here's what I remember about Daisy's relationship with Bret: Not much. The conversation was always vapid, and when Bret asked Daisy questions, she was about as coherent at Paula Abdul on American Idol. He’d complain about the mediocre chats with Daisy during his confessional monologues, but he’d always end them with "but she's smokin' hot!" Even after she confessed she still lived in a one-bedroom apartment with her ex-boyfriend, Bret was able to overlook it.
Clearly, his big connection with her was in his groin.
Now that Daisy has her own show, she is a little more articulate. But we still don't really understand why she, of all people, was the one to get a show.
2. Megan Hauserman, "Fallen Angel"
At first glance, lovely, angelic Megan is nothing more than a dumb, innocent blonde with a perfect body, a collection of bikinis and a few dozen brain cells. But after watching her on ROL, two installations of I Love Money, and Charm School, we all know better. She plays it cool with fellow competitors, but is a master manipulator behind the scenes, using her body and/or innocent act to her advantage.
Her true colors always shine through, but usually after she’s gotten pretty far in each competition. Now, VH1 is giving her her own dating show, Trophy Wife, scheduled to air this summer. We expect her to show up with her tiny dog, a suitcase full of bikinis and an evil little grin.
1. Heather Chadwell – “Look What the Cat Dragged In”
We admit it: During the first season of Rock of Love, we thought it could get no worse than Heather. She was loud, obnoxious, skankalicious and had the biggest hair we've seen since 1987. Her idea of a classy evening gown involved cheap, pleather scraps of material that covered little more than what was required for TV. And then she was stupid enough to get Bret's name tattooed across the back of her neck during a one-on-one date.
In the end, she didn't win Bret's heart, but the season one runner-up returned in subsequent seasons to help the rocker vet his new crop of women. Heather got into physical altercations with Daisy (during season two’s finale show) and Brittanya (Rock of Love Bus). Of course, we’ve also seen Heather in I Love Money and Charm School.
And we confess: She's grown on us over that time, if not simply for proving that there were tons more people more offensive than her. She was just warming us up for what was to come, and she wanted to kick their asses, too.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Friday, May 8, 2009
Sunday, May 3, 2009
This is a follow-up to yesterday's post.
I should have known, when
Idris Elba tweeted re:
his music at six.
Nobody at the
racetrack during Derby
would do that. Red flag.
Still, I believed he
would show up at Grand Gala,
I went. I milled around.
But mostly, sat and waited.
And waited. Waited.
Of course, he did not
come. We left early. We parked
close, one block away.
But it already
had been too much for my bod.
I'm freakin' totaled.
My feet, still throbbing,
are swollen. They tingle up
to my calves. It sucks.
Baby Nick, your mom
is not a trooper. She's dumb.
Over an actor.
I should send him a
bill for my dress, shoes. Along
with middle finger.
But I will settle
for the moment when I see
Idris on Lifetime.
"Obsessed" is surely
bound for that channel sometime
in the next two years.
Normally, this would
not bug me. But it was too
much effort, no reward.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
It's kind of nice.
Normally, I spend 7-8 hours going to and/or covering parties on Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights -- out until 4 a.m. each time. Then I go into the office the following day to write everything up. I grab a few hours of sleep here and there, but mostly, it's just a cycle of getting all gussied up, celebrity spotting and being around a bunch of drunks, then writing.
But thanks to my growing belly, extreme fatigue and the discomfort of standing up for more than 30 minutes of a time, the bosses have spared me any track or party duty this year.
And baby Nicholas and I would like to thank them for that. I went to a media event and another party on Thursday night with Kyle, Javacia and Edd. I got to sit down at both the whole time at both of them and was home by 11:30 or so. And still, when I went into work on Friday, I felt like I got hit by a truck. Seriously. There's no way I could hack party coverage anyway.
Tonight, though, I'm giving one more feeble attempt at enjoying Derby while 30 weeks pregs. I'm heading to the Grand Gala -- the one party I have covered every, single year without fail -- with Kyle. As a regular person, not a reporter. I will drink water sitting down the whole time, stay only a few hours and be fatigued all day tomorrow.
Since all the celebs are the same this year, I had no interest in going to the Gala until I found out Idris Elba was coming. I'm a huge fan of The Wire. So while I won't interview him, I might get to check him out. I guesss that makes me kind of a loser, but oh well.
Plus, now I can tell Nick that his old-ass mother was a trooper and took him to his first Derby events at -9 weeks old. And I can sleep in tomorrow.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
15. "The plane, the plane!," Tattoo, Fantasy Island
Oh, Tattoo. This phrase is pretty much the only memory we have of this program. But it is burned into my mind -- and TV history -- for the remainder of my life.
Idea for use: After being delayed because of weather, your best friend's plane finally arrives at the airport.
14. "How you doin'?," Joey Tribbiani, Friends
It's a common salutation that's been around since, oh, the beginning of time. But Joey Tribbiani's trademark "dumb-guy" enunciation made the phrase seem brand new. Which, subsequently, got a little bit old after hearing everyone say it during the show's heyday.
Idea for use: Anytime. It's an all-purpose greeting.
13. "I'm Rick James, bitch!," Dave Chappelle as Rick James, Chappelle's Show
For nine to 12 months after this episode of Chappelle's Show ran, this phrase was uttered mostly by 20-something men in bars, in malls and in colleges non-stop. It finally died down, but if you said it today, most people would immediately know to what you were referring.
Idea for use: Unless you are Rick James, which you are not because he's dead, there's really no reason use this phrase -- which is why I was so floored it caught on.
12. "Aaaay," Fonzie, Happy Days
A motorcycle-riding, ex-gang member, The Fonz was the cool, womanizing bad boy of this 1950s-based sitcom. His cool-guy remarks were never uttered without using the double thumbs-up sign and were absolutely huge when the show was on air.
Idea for use: Prop yourself up against your new ride, feather your hair, and then let it rip.
11. "Homey don't play that," Damon Wayans as Homey D. Clown, In Living Color
Many times, the actions that accompany a catchphrase are what make it so funny and memorable. Homey D. Clown, an ex-con who worked as a clown, entertained chidren and adults. But when something made him angry, he also violently struck out at people using the phrase, while simultaneously clipping them over the head with a tennis ball-filled sock.
Idea for use: Your sister steals the baby name you've been planning to use since you were 20. (A makeshift weapon can also be used in this instance.)
10. "Hell to the no!," Whitney Houston, Being Bobby Brown
Made popular by Houston before she got smart enough to dump Brown for good, this phrase was so much better and definitive than the standard "hell no." It's become a standard way to express disbelief.
Idea for use: A friend asks if you'd like to attend a Celine Dion concert.
9. "Let's hug it out, bitch," Ari Gold, Entourage
Approximately 30 seconds after slimy agent Ari Gold uttered this phrase on Entourage, we estimate that at least 50 percent of the viewing population used it in conversation within 24 hours.
Idea for use: After a Super Bowl game, during which you were at odds with friends.
8. "Make it work," Tim Gunn, Project Runway
Runway mentor Gunn usually doesn't totally shoot down someone's clothing designs. But he does offer advice, then tell contestants to "make it work." If you see a story about Runway that doesn't include this term, we'll pay you $5. *Not really.
Idea for use: Your boss gives you an impossible amount of work to do in 40 hours time. "Don't worry," you snarl. "I'll make it work."
7. "Well, isn't that special?," Dana Carvey as The Church Lady, Saturday Night Live
Whether or not you said this with a crooked mouth like The Church Lady, chances are you sarcastically uttered it many times during the 1980s.
Idea for use: A friend buys the shoes you've been coveting and saving up for.
6. "The tribe has spoken," Jeff Probst, Survivor
It's the last thing ousted Survivor contestants hear before leaving the game -- and a final way to end any real-life vote.
Idea for use: Your daughter wants to watch Hannah Montana episodes for five hours straight. The rest of the family doesn't.
5. "You look mahvelous," Billy Crystal as Fernandeo Lamas, Saturday Night Live
It's hard to forget this hallmark SNL character, mostly because of his trademark catchphrase -- and the hilarious video that eventually accompanied it. "I've got to tell you something. And I don't say this to everyone. You. Look. Mahvelous," he said. "It's better to look good than to feel good." Word.
Idea for use: When your mom arrives for Mother's Day dinner.
4. "Yada, yada, yada," Marcy, Seinfeld
While this phrase was already popular, the "yada yada" episode became one of the most famous in the Seinfeld series. In the ep, George's girlfriend uses the term to gloss over important details of her day. Jerry doesn't see much problem with it, saying that she's succinct, "like dating USA Today." But it turns out she was leaving out things like possibly sleeping with an ex, and shoplifting.
Idea for use: "Hi honey. I went to the mall today, yada yada yada, then I came home."
3. "Whachu talking about, Willis?," Arnold Jackson, Diff'rent Strokes
It's been 24 years since this sitcom ended, but Arnold's trademark statement still lives on. Not only do people still use it in conversation, I've seen teenage girls at the mall wearing t-shirts proclaiming "I'm What Willis Was Talking About," even though they were never alive during Diff'rent Stokes' days of glory.
Idea for use: Your husband wants to spend $4,000 on a Breitling watch.
2. "Heeeere's Johnny!," Ed McMahon, The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson
The standard announcement that announced Carson's stage entrance has been used in other TV shows, newspaper headlines, and perhaps most notably, in The Shining just after Jack Nicholson plunges off the deep end.
Idea for use: For guest arrivals. You can pretty much replace Johnny with any name, as long as you draw out "heeeere's."
1. "D'oh!," Homer Simpson, The Simpsons
Uttered by Homer almost every time he makes some kind of foible (read: all the time), this simple grunting sound has become so entrenched in popular culture that it made its way into the Merriam-Webster Dictionary in 1993, and into the New Oxford Dictionary of English in 1998. That's quite an accomplishment, especially for Homer, who has likely never used a dictionary.
Idea for use: Stubbing your toe, closing your hand in the door, spilling your beer.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Centuries-old legends about vampires largely paint them as super-scary killing machines that should be avoided at all costs.
But thanks to a few modern novels – which have been adapted into television shows (True Blood) and movies (Twilight) – vampires are quickly emerging as contemporary sex symbols. Forget the days when sought-after bad boys rode motorcycles, smoked cigarettes and had a couple of tattoos. Today's bad-ass, bloodsucking, boy toys can kill you on the spot – and even though you've got no chance of outrunning them, would you really want to? They are too intriguing to resist.
That's why I'm are counting down the days until I get to see Bill Compton -- the title vampire on True Blood -- again, when season two of the show begins on June 14.
Part of the thing that makes the modern-day vampire so tangible, if not loveable, is the way the legends and personas have been manipulated for the new millennium. The vampires are old souls with modern problems and ideals -- and I love the mixture.
So, I took a look at True Blood and Twilight in several categories, rating the right-now-ness of each on a scale of 1-10.
The main vamps in each series, Bill Compton and Edward Cullen (Twilight), both make every attempt to live normal lives among humans without hurting them. However, each have their crosses to bear. In True Blood, the townspeople are aware that vampires exist, but they are met with extreme prejudice. In Twilight, Edward must hide his true self from everyone but his vampire family and girlfriend, Bella. Can you say stressful?
True Blood: 8
While Bill's hungry, he sips the synthetic drink, Tru Blood, so as not to feed on living creatures. The beverage invention seems so 2009. The Cullens, meanwhile, feed on animals in the forest instead of humans. It's great they don't kill humans, but this writer often likes animals better than people, so I'm not super impressed.
True Blood: 10
Like most traditional vampires, Bill sleeps in a coffin during the daytime. Ho-hum. Edward however, doesn't require sleep. Ever. Can you imagine how much you could get done if you never got tired?
True Blood: 2
Twilight is geared toward young adults, and romance prevails over sex. Bella and Edward can scarcely make out before he pulls back to avoid his natural instinct to inhale her scent and suck her blood. Frankly, it's nice to see teenagers who aren't hopping in the sack first chance they get.
The vamps on True Blood, meanwhile, have insatiable libidos. Their graphic, lighting-speed sexual activity can be a little bit much, but at least they can have sex with humans. Let's face it: Complete, prolonged abstinence isn't easy for everyone ... and consensual sex is better than a pile of dead bodies.
True Blood: 7
You'd think an unemployed being – alive or undead – would A) take public transportation; B) drive a jalopy; or C) just run everywhere, since they're gifted with the ability to move at lightning speeds. But Bill drives a black BMW, and Edward's got a shiny, silver Volvo. Even vampires want nice wheels.
True Blood: 8
In most stories, including Twilight, being bitten (but not killed) by a vampire means that you're doomed to the same immortal fate. But on True Blood, vampires can bite humans (during sex, for instance) and not be changed. Likewise, humans on the show take hits of vampire blood to get high. Creative and interesting.
True Blood: 10
No cloaks with high collars here, like many vampires of olde. Bill's usually wearing button down shirts, jackets or long sleeved henley tees with pants. Edward adopts the vibe of his Pacific Northwest home, opting fo casual t-shirts and jeans to complement his messy, gelled-up hairdo. Fashionable? Meh. Inconspicuous? Totally.
True Blood: 8
Bill's intolerance to daylight means that his skin melts off in a gruesome fashion. Scary! But when Edward is in the sunlight, his skin sparkles like a million diamonds. Bling!
True Blood: 4
Despite the fact that vampires aren't human – something that Bill and Edward continually remind their partners about – both seem capable of true, unwavering, loyal love with their human girlfriends. Bill fell for telepathic, outspoken waitress Sookie Stackhouse, while Edward is smitten with Bella, a high-school student who is sometimes insecure about their relationship. Still, both relationships seem built to last despite the 100+ year age difference. We don't expect to see either couple on Divorce Court.
True Blood: 10
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Granted, most of the costumes are gharish at best, but I can't deny the creativity that goes into outfitting the couples each week. So, to celebrate the halfway mark on the show, I compiled a list of the best and worst costumes worn thus far:
(See a photo gallery of costumes here.)
1. Edyta Sliwinska channeled Halle Berry's 2002 Oscar dress with her gown on March 16, which was like a DWTS version of Berry's frock. Edyta's body looked flawless in the dress, which featured a sheer bodice with strategically placed flowers (sequined of course!), and a solid black bottom.
2. Shawn Johnson's rumba dress (April 14) featured light pink, drapey chiffon over a sequined bodice. Now, it's not the best dress we've ever seen. But she looked angelic in the color and it was more flattering on Shawn's thick, muscular frame than many of the previous, more revealing styles in which she's been outfitted.
3. Julianne Hough was sophisticated in a silver-grey floor-length gown with a high neck, gorgeous, modern shoulder straps and sexy open back on March 23. Short, matching gloves with ruffle-y trim funked it up a bit without looking out of place.
4. Despite its penchant for gaudy get-ups, DWTS still manages to make Lil' Kim look much more classy than she usually does in real life. She was a lovely, elegant lady in red on March 16 in a long, sequined gown, red satin gloves and rhinestone bracelets. An up-do with subtle hair decorations completed her transformation. A real upgrade from her pasties look.
5. On March 30, Cheryl Burke and Gilles Marini looked like they could be going to a New Year's Eve party. She wore a sexy, lacy purple dress that revealed just enough skin, and Gilles was slick in a pinstriped suit and complementary purple tie.
1. You're not alone if you are still being haunted by the fringed, Pepto Bismol pink and Big Bird yellow bra and pants montrosity worn by Julianne Hough during the March 16 early episode. If you thought it was hideous when she was merely standing there, you should have seen it when she started twirling and the thing fanned out from every angle.
2. Melissa Rycroft got the short end of the stick on her first night when she was subjected to an aqua, silky skirt and sequined nightmare of a top that looked more like a fish-catching mechanism than a piece of clothing. The worst part? It's the same outfit she's wearing in the intro to the show, so we all have to relive the pain every, single week.
3. It's hard to screw up the chiseled beauty that is Gilles Marini. But leave it to DWTS to turn a piece of eye candy into an eyesore. On March 23, Marini was dressed in a raging red, boudoir-like shirt/pants/shoes combo with a smattering of sequins. Perfect for Hugh Hefner, not for Gilles. It was hard to look at him that night – and that's a hell of an achievement.
4. Lindy hop night (March 30) was an evening of fun, invigorating dancing, but the outfits were revolting. We honestly could have filled the whole "worst" category with Mark Ballas and Shawn Johnson's sequined "athletic gear," Julianne and Chuck Wicks' diner uniforms and other atrocities. But the worst was Lacey Schwimmer's turquoise, pink and black sequined shorts-jumpsuit. Besides being gaudy and hideous – fringed leg holes and big, black hearts on each butt cheek, anyone? – it rode up so much it bordered on being obscene. The purple, Crocs-meets-orthopedic shoes were the clincher, though.
5. Two April 14 ensembles tied for this slot. First, Edyta wore a hot pink sequined bra and shorts, adorned with a strip of useless chiffon. Dangling fringe and medallions added more gaudiness to the outfit, but it was the pink legwarmer thingies – which looked more like the fake boots you get in a packaged Halloween costume – that sealed its fate on this list.
However, on this same night, Julianne and Chuck wore see-through, lingerie-like, black, sequined lace outfits. The horror! Julianne even had thigh-high stockings to complete the Frederick's of Hollywood look.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Also, that Burger King mascot thing was creepy enough before I saw the commercial where he's rapping about Sponge Bob's square butt.
The world is a ridiculous place sometimes.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Confession: I'm happy that the Lady Cards made it to the final tourney game and I hope they win. But overall, college basketball season is a synonym for "My husband works all the fucking time and I never see him."
Between the men's NCAA tournament and the ridiculous brouhaha over UK's new coach, Kyle has worked 20 out of the past 21 days. If I had a miserable relationship, I'd be happy I didn't have to see him. But I miss him a lot. And I resent basketball because I simply don't give two shits about any of it. But the worst part, as I said, is that he's had to work 20 of the past 21 days. And he's been taking care of me because I've had some health stuff going on that has rendered me pretty useless for the past couple of days.
The poor thing is so burned out right now. His next day off is Friday -- his birthday -- and I'm hoping he's not too tired to enjoy it.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
I was wrong! I found myself jotting down all kinds of tunes that I didn't have. How could I be missing "99 Luftballoons" by Nena? "Supersonic" by JJ Fad? "Tenderness" by General Public?
Anyway, then I started reminiscing and realized I was missing tons of other tunes, too. Like Joan Jett's "Bad Reputation," "Jack & Diane" by John Mellencamp. I had no Huey Lewis & the News tunes, only two by Duran Duran and no "Footloose?" Blasphemy! No 80s playlist is complete without such things.
I have totally been living in the past. But it's been nice, because my present has been super-suckfest for the past couple of days. Now, I'm heading back over to iTunes to grab a few more songs.