Happy Valentine's Day, TV

If my television set had feelings, it would probably be upset that I wasn't buying it anything for Valentine's Day. After all, we do spend an awful lot of time together. Even when I'm cleaning or making dinner or writing, my Samsung is usually on in the background, keeping me company.

No, it will not receive any See's Candies or romantic candlelight dinner, but it will get something special. It's the least I can do.

Here, I will honor the many television shows that make my life whole -- and also the ones that make me question my viewing habits. Oh, TV, how to do I love thee? Let me count the ways ... in lines of five, seven and five syllables.

Short and sweet, these haiku pay tribute to some of the best (and worst) programs on the tube.


THE BACHELOR
Amazing journey
forges bonds. But Twinkies have
a longer shelf life.

DANCING WITH THE STARS
They could dance with dolls
for all we care. We just watch
for the rad outfits.

HOARDERS
Mounds of stuff and filth.
Sometimes, dead, skeletal cats.
"I'm a collector!"

CHEATERS
Blurry body parts
Caught in compromising acts
Punches will be thrown

THE TYRA BANKS SHOW
Thank you, Tyra,
for showing us women born
with two vaginas.

THE BAD GIRLS CLUB
Each season's cast could
be plucked straight from the stages
of Jerry Springer.

JERSEY SHORE
Orange skin and hair gel
Bad clothes, fist pumps and Snickers!
Gym, tanning, laundry.

CHELSEA LATELY
A witty talk show
for a generation of
total smart-asses.

TODDLERS & TIARAS
Overweight stage moms
Dress their daughters like hookers
Next stop is Teen Mom

TEEN MOM
That's all these teens need:
Cameras rolling while they
make bad decisions.

WEEDS
Nancy Botwin makes
Teen Moms look like June Cleaver.
Plus, Andy is hot.

FAMILY FEUD
"Name a famous town."
"Europe!" (Pause) "Good, answer, Bob!"
They are bad liars.

DEXTER
Severed body parts
dropped in Atlantic Ocean
Dexter's sea graveyard

THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS
For God's sake, Sharon!
Is there anyone in town
You haven't slept with?

CALIFORNICATION
Hank Moody should meet
Sharon from Y&R, then
stock up on condoms.

24
Saving the free world
Without food or bathroom breaks
I am Jack Bauer

I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS PREGNANT
Pregnancy is like
Getting your ass kicked from within.
You had NO idea?

SURVIVOR
To me, camping is
Staying at a nice hotel.
'Survivors' are NUTS!

TRUE BLOOD
Forget the vampires.
We most enjoy the parts with
Lafayette. He rules.

MAN VS. FOOD
Host Adam Richman
went to Yale, now power eats
16-egg omelettes.

VAMPIRE DIARIES
If you can't stomach
the gore on True Blood, this
is like vampire-lite.

BIG LOVE
These Polygamists
Have more buried skeletons
Than wives and children

NURSE JACKIE
I'd also need pills,
If I had to hump Eddie.
It's catch 22.

JUDGE MATHIS
Today on Judge Mathis:
Exotic stripper showdown!
"She had no pole skills!"

MODERN FAMILY
I'm not sure who is
funnier: Clueless dad Phil,
or Lily's two dads.

COUGAR TOWN
If all cougars looked
like Courteney Cox, more dudes would
be dating elders.

YO GABBA GABBA!
My favorite songs:
'There's a party in my tummy'
Also, 'I like bugs'

REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY
Rhinestone halter tops
are the chosen attire
for cooking dinner.

WHAT NOT TO WEAR
Stacy and Clinton
are sometimes cruel but they are
usually right.