A case of the Mondays

SUMMARY HAIKU:

Rob Zombie was late.
Bored at two hour meeting.
Brutal cramps. Monday.

The Onion makes me cry ... from laughing.

SUMMARY HAIKU:
No words can really
do The Onion justice. I
strive to write that well.


It's hard to say how I got sidetracked from visiting The Onion's website.

But suddenly, I returned to the fictional news website week and I'm hooked again. It helps take the edge off work stress and real-life depressing news. But the real draw is the sharp wit with which every story and column are written.

Take this commentary on fashion: This Gap Sweater is Fucking Awesome

Or this story: Future of Genteel Town In Jeopardy After Doily Factory Goes Out of Business

And of course, the always-entertaining columns by Herbert Kornfield, the gangsta accounts receivable supervisor at Midstate Office Supply, who hooked me 10 years ago with his column, Keep Your Fucking Shit Off My Desk.

Man, I love the Onion.

6 steps is a really long way to walk

SUMMARY HAIKU:
Bitch, the cart corral
is right there. Are you fucking
blind, or an idiot?


When it comes to everyday pleasures in life, few things are more fulfilling than having a kitchen full of groceries. Red grapes and flat iron steak and Honey Nut Cheerios. Yum. But getting the food from the store to the to the cupboard sucks.

Going to the grocery is one of my least favorite chores in the world, ranking about the same as mowing the lawn and cleaning the bathroom. For one, I know that I'm going to drop at least $100 every time I go to Kroger. Second, I never have time to shop during the week, so I always end up there on Saturday with every other human being on Earth. It takes forever.

Anyway, I was there today, loading my stuff into my car. The car that I love almost as much as my hubby and pets. The new car that I just bought in March. And this woman, who is parked across from me, puts her three little bags in her trunk. Then she wheels her cart in between the front of her car and my ride, leaving it to roll toward my dope-ass vehicle.

WE WERE PARKED RIGHT NEXT TO THE CART CORRAL! In fact, it probably took her more steps and more manuevering to walk it to the center than it would have to simply place it in the corral, which was about four steps from the back end of her car.

I know people leave carts whereever they want all the time, and they always strike me as lazy assholes. But I've never actually seen anyone who is parked so close to the receptacle go to so much trouble not to use it. Plus, she didn't even give a shit that the cart was rolling into my ride, even with me standing right there.

Is it really that hard to steer it to the proper area in order not to fuck up other people's vehicles? No matter where you are parked in a lot, they're never more than about 15 steps away.

In the end, the cart didn't scratch my dear Carlos, and I didn't say anything to her because I didn't want to seem like a crazy person. But I wanted to tell her she was, perhaps, the stupidest fucking person I'd ever seen, and that she was lucky I didn't break her legs. She just drove off, totally oblivious.

Luckily, my irritation was soon culled by a nice, fat bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream. I was going to save it for after dinner, but that's the benefit of having a house full of food. I could have another one later, if I wanted. And I did.

Thank you, Queen Latifah

A SUMMARY HAIKU:
Enhancing your good
points never killed anyone.
Plus, eyeshadow rules.



So, as I mentioned below, I've spend about a decade trying to find my perfect, inexpensive mascara. Mascara and lip gloss -- don't leave home without 'em.

For the record, Lancome Defincils is, in my opinion, the best mascara. It's also $23. In an effort to be more fiscally responsible, I've been trying to hoard my beauty slush fund dollars for hair cuts and coloring, and cut back in other places.

Beauty mags always rave about Maybelline Great Lash, which was, until last week, what I used. But I was always looking to break up with it, because it gets clumpy sometimes, it dries out quickly and I always want a new tube every 3 weeks.

Then I see the lovely Queen Latifah on that Cover Girl commercial and her eyelashes look awesome! And for some reason, I trust the Queen, even though I know she's a paid spokesperson. Anyway, long story short: The LashExact she's hawking? It's really good.

It really does separate and thicken. And it's not all gloppy and gross. The applicator brush really is magical, like Hermione Granger conjured it up at Hogwarts. Plus, it comes in a really pretty purple tube. I think I may have found my soulmate!

I've spent a whole lot of money finding the best products over the years. Here are some other things I highly recommend.

BRONZER: Hoola by Benefit ($28). Use a light dusting or a lot. In certain spots or all over. It looks like you spent an afternoon in the sun, and it doesn't have all those annoying sparkly things that make you look like a disco ball in the sunlight. Lightweight, too, so no pore clogging. Bonus: Benefit is totally generous with samples, so whenever you buy something, you walk away with a whole bunch of free shit.

(Problem is, the samples are all so good that you always want to go back and buy them, too.)

EYESHADOW: Expensive: Lancome or MAC. Cheap: Loreal HIP. All have millions lovely hues that stay put all day long. Get some real brushes, because sponge applicators don't really work for shit.

LIP GLOSS: For color, Lipglass by MAC. For clear shine, C.O. Bigelow Ultra Mentha Lip Shine, which you can get at Bath and Body Works. I recently discovered it, and I'll never use another clear gloss again.

HAIR PRODUCTS: Oh God, there are so many great ones. Rusk Blofoam mousse. Aveda volumizing tonic and control granules. Pantene spray wax (for texturzing your ends) works awesome and is 1/4 of the price of the stuff I used to buy. Matrix sleek.look protectant spray, which will keep your hair from turning into a hay bale if you regularly use a flat iron. I go back and forth on hair spray because I don't really use it much. Pantene works fine for me.

HERE'S WHAT I'M STILL LOOKING FOR: The best face moisturizer, and the best body lotion. Any suggestions?

So, what's going on here?

At work, I write what they tell me to. And that often doesn't include things I really want to discuss, such as my eternal quest for the perfect drugstore mascara, crappy television shows like "Rock of Love" with Bret Michaels, and how cute my cat, Miles, is since getting his first hair cut.

So I'm gonna do those kinds of things here.

In time, I may have more of a theme for this blog. But for now, it's kind of the "Seinfeld" of thoughts. It's about nothing. And everything. But mostly, it's a place to dispose of all the random junk floating around in my brain so that I can (finally) get cracking on my novel, which is currently stuck at page 31.

Cheers!