Sunday, February 28, 2010

Farewell, Drs. McNamara and Troy



Over seven seasons, Nip/Tuck has given basic cable TV a serious facelift, introducing viewers to some of the most creative, bizarre, edgy television not on HBO or Showtime.

With their personal and professional transgressions, plastic surgeons Sean McNamara (Dylan Walsh) and Christian Troy (Julian McMahon) have wreaked havoc on Miami and L.A. They've bedded women, compromised personal ethics, screwed up their families and pretty much alienated themselves from just about everyone else along the way. Compelling television, for sure.

So when Nip/Tuck stitches things up for good on March 3 in the series finale, we'll be sorry to see it go. While it's impossible to revisit every event that made us salivate for new seasons, certain scenes are etched in our memories forever -- and many of them have to do with the strange procedures their clients requested over the years.

We'd like to bid them farewell by recounting their top 10 most bizarre surgeries. Thanks for the memories, guys.


BARBIE BOOBS: In a recent episode, a couple -- who claimed they were perfectly happy in a sexless relationship -- were on a journey becoming human replicas of Barbie and Ken. In order for the woman to more accurately resemble a naked Barbie, they asked Sean and Christian to completely remove her nipples. Once she'd completed the surgery, "Ken" realized he was gay, dumped her, and hooked up with a G.I. Joe lookalike.

BUTT FACE: After a drunken fraternity prank went wrong, Sean and Christina were summoned to a frat house because the prospective patients couldn't be transported. Two guys' faces had been glued to another dude's butt cheeks. In order to separate the trio, the docs had to remove pieces of the kid's posterior and later did skin grafts to reconstruct his ass.

FOSSIL FETUS: After losing a bunch of weight, a woman who played Mrs. Claus at the mall went in for a last bit of lipo, to complete her new, healthful image for Santa's Village. While in surgery, the doctors found, and removed, a calcified fetus. The married patient had never known she was pregnant, but believed the fetus to be a product of an affair she had 17 years prior. Ho, ho, ho!

CALCULATING CORPSE: Mrs. Grubman, a plastic surgery-addicted recurring character, had been turned away by the Christian in the past after having too many procedures. But when she was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer, she requested one last favor: Post-mortem plastic surgery, in order to look divine at her funeral.

BREAST IN PEACE: For a French patient, merely cherishing the memory of her deceased husband wasn't adequate. So, she visited McNamara/Troy to have her late husband's ashes injected into her saline breast implants. It was later revealed that she was actually his mistress, and had stolen his ashes from his wife. Creep-o-rama!

BABY GOT BACK: In one of the most ridiculous episodes, Jennifer Coolidge guest starred as a patient who had recently discovered she had some African-American heritage. Naturally, she decided to start a rap career, but not without butt implants, which she felt would more adequately reflect her newly-discovered background.

YOGA POSE: An extremely flexible and well-endowed yoga instructor discovered her could give himself fellatio, and became so addicted to it, he found it impossible to leave the house or do anything else. So, he visited McNamara/Troy to have his penis shortened.

HONEYMOON BUFFET: After getting stuck in a snowstorm for ten days during her honeymoon, a hypoglycemic woman began hallucinating. Her husband helped her snap out of it by cutting out pieces of his arm, heating them up with cigarette lighter and feeding them to her. She was disgusted by the incident, so she asked Sean and Christian to fix her husband's scars. But hubby got an infection after the surgery, and the docs were stumped as to why. Come to find out that the wife sliced out parts of her own forearm, and fed them to her beloved in order to return the favor.

I ONLY HAVE EYES FOR YOU: A man wanted to propose to his Japanese girlfriend, but first needed to make a change to impress her xenophobic parents. So, he requested surgery to make his eyes look Japanese. In the end, her parents didn't buy it, but were so impressed with his dedication to their daughter, they gave the union their blessing.

STRANDED ON DEATH ROW: Prison officials asked Sean and Christian to give an obese death-row prisoner liposuction because he was too fat to be properly executed. The docs were totally opposed to it, until they were promised that their son, Matt (Christian is the bio dad, but Sean raised him), who was in prison for armed robbery, would be released. Before the surgery, Matt found out that the obese man was actually innocent, but let the events play out in order to be released.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Winter Vs. Summer Olympics

It's easy to feel lazy while perched on the couch, watching the Winter Olympics. It's about 25 degrees here in New England, so even going outside to dump the trash seems like an immense undertaking.

Meanwhile, these Olympic athletes have to one-up me by going outside in the snow and actually doing stuff, like winning athletic medals for their countries. Sheesh, what show-offs!

Seriously, though, even if it weren't frigid out, I'd be hard-pressed to separate myself from the Olympics. I'm ... addicted, you see. The further I get from my youth, the more impressive each installment of the Olympics becomes.
But what if winter and summer had to compete against each other for overall supremacy? Well, now they do. I scored each category with medals.

STAR POWER
The winter games have a few names that the Average Joe has probably heard: Shaun White (1 gold) and Apolo Ohno (2 gold, 1 silver, 2 bronze).
But nothing can compare to the celebrity of the summer games, which includes super-swimmer Michael Phelps (6 gold, 2 bronze); tennis queens Venus (3 gold) and Serena (2 gold) Williams and the country's best NBA players, Kobe Bryant, Lebron James and Dwyane Wade (3 gold).
Summer reigns supreme here.
Winter medal count: 3 gold, 1 silver, 2 bronze; 6 total
Summer medal count: 14 gold, 2 bronze; 16 total

SPORTS
Don't get me wrong: The summer games require a great deal of athletic prowess.
But most of the sports (running, table tennis, swimming, basketball, volleyball, etc.) are things any regular person can do at their local gym. True, summer Olympians can do things faster and better than a normal folks (1 gold, 1 silver, 1 bronze). But the sports themselves can be performed by laymen without undergoing rigorous training.
Not true with most of the winter Olympic sports. Based on blistering speeds (luge, skeleton), towering heights (snowboarding half pipe) or a combination of the two (freestyle skiing), many of the winter sports can result in life-threatening injuries, or death, if even the tiniest error takes place. (Rest in peace, Nodar Kumaritashvili.)
Winter athletes not only have skills, they have colossal cajones, willing to risk their lives for sport (15 gold medals). Disagree? Then go slide 90 miles per hour on a skeleton next week and report back to me.
Winter: 18 gold, 1 silver, 2 bronze; 21 total
Summer: 15 gold, 1 silver, 3 bronze; 19 total

CONVENIENCE
Let's be honest: When it's gray, depressing and freezing outside, the Olympics are a fantastic distraction. There are certainly ways to chip away at two weeks of winter (1 gold, 1 silver).
When the summer games are on, however, there's so much else to do. Instead of watching people play volleyball, tennis, basketball or badminton, for instance, you can go play them yourself.
Admit it: The only times you watch the summer games are on your computer at work, and before bed at night (1 bronze). Anything else that's worth seeing will be on sports highlights.
Winter: 19 gold, 2 silver, 2 bronze; 23 total
Summer: 12 gold, 4 silver, 4 bronze; 20 total

INTENSITY
Because so many winter events are solo missions, the summer games boast a stronger intensity. From the incessant, serious grunting of the tennis players (2 gold), to the blink-and-you'll-miss-em short sprints (3 silver) to action-packed basketball games (1 gold, 1 silver), head-to-head competitions are usually more dramatic and offer instant gratification!
Winter has a few such sports, including speed skating (1 gold), snowboarding cross (1 silver) and cross-country skiing (1 bronze). But in every other event, the athletes sit and watch their competitors instead of going against them simultaneously.
Winter: 20 gold, 3 silver, 3 bronze; 26 total
Summer: 15 gold, 8 silver, 4 bronze; 27 total

EXHILARATION
What the winter games might lack in head-to-head contests, they more than make up for in the wow-factor.
Tell us you haven't drawn in a sharp, nervous breath watching a snowboarder soar above the crowd during the halfpipe (2 gold); an athlete careen through an icy track face first during the skeleton (1 gold, 1 silver, 1 bronze); or a skier taking a huge tumble, bouncing off moguls (3 bronze).
Watching the winter games is exhilarating because the sports are often daring, and there's a very real chance the athlete won't be able to complete their task without a brutal spill.
Meanwhile, during summer, there's usually no doubt whether the athletes will finish rowing or swimming... it's just a matter of how fast they can do it (1 silver).
Aaaaand, it's winter for the win!
Winter: 23 gold, 4 silver, 7 bronze; 34 total
Summer: 15 gold, 9 silver, 4 bronze; 28 total


Bottom line: We love us some summer games, too. But the winter games are riskier, more unpredictable and rich with events/tricks that the average person can't even fathom doing. Winter doesn't start with W-I-N for nothin'.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Happy Valentine's Day, TV


If my television set had feelings, it would probably be upset that I wasn't buying it anything for Valentine's Day. After all, we do spend an awful lot of time together. Even when I'm cleaning or making dinner or writing, my Samsung is usually on in the background, keeping me company.

No, it will not receive any See's Candies or romantic candlelight dinner, but it will get something special. It's the least I can do.

Here, I will honor the many television shows that make my life whole -- and also the ones that make me question my viewing habits. Oh, TV, how to do I love thee? Let me count the ways ... in lines of five, seven and five syllables.

Short and sweet, these haiku pay tribute to some of the best (and worst) programs on the tube.


THE BACHELOR
Amazing journey
forges bonds. But Twinkies have
a longer shelf life.

DANCING WITH THE STARS
They could dance with dolls
for all we care. We just watch
for the rad outfits.

HOARDERS
Mounds of stuff and filth.
Sometimes, dead, skeletal cats.
"I'm a collector!"

CHEATERS
Blurry body parts
Caught in compromising acts
Punches will be thrown

THE TYRA BANKS SHOW
Thank you, Tyra,
for showing us women born
with two vaginas.

THE BAD GIRLS CLUB
Each season's cast could
be plucked straight from the stages
of Jerry Springer.

JERSEY SHORE
Orange skin and hair gel
Bad clothes, fist pumps and Snickers!
Gym, tanning, laundry.

CHELSEA LATELY
A witty talk show
for a generation of
total smart-asses.

TODDLERS & TIARAS
Overweight stage moms
Dress their daughters like hookers
Next stop is Teen Mom

TEEN MOM
That's all these teens need:
Cameras rolling while they
make bad decisions.

WEEDS
Nancy Botwin makes
Teen Moms look like June Cleaver.
Plus, Andy is hot.

FAMILY FEUD
"Name a famous town."
"Europe!" (Pause) "Good, answer, Bob!"
They are bad liars.

DEXTER
Severed body parts
dropped in Atlantic Ocean
Dexter's sea graveyard

THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS
For God's sake, Sharon!
Is there anyone in town
You haven't slept with?

CALIFORNICATION
Hank Moody should meet
Sharon from Y&R, then
stock up on condoms.

24
Saving the free world
Without food or bathroom breaks
I am Jack Bauer

I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS PREGNANT
Pregnancy is like
Getting your ass kicked from within.
You had NO idea?

SURVIVOR
To me, camping is
Staying at a nice hotel.
'Survivors' are NUTS!

TRUE BLOOD
Forget the vampires.
We most enjoy the parts with
Lafayette. He rules.

MAN VS. FOOD
Host Adam Richman
went to Yale, now power eats
16-egg omelettes.

VAMPIRE DIARIES
If you can't stomach
the gore on True Blood, this
is like vampire-lite.

BIG LOVE
These Polygamists
Have more buried skeletons
Than wives and children

NURSE JACKIE
I'd also need pills,
If I had to hump Eddie.
It's catch 22.

JUDGE MATHIS
Today on Judge Mathis:
Exotic stripper showdown!
"She had no pole skills!"

MODERN FAMILY
I'm not sure who is
funnier: Clueless dad Phil,
or Lily's two dads.

COUGAR TOWN
If all cougars looked
like Courteney Cox, more dudes would
be dating elders.

YO GABBA GABBA!
My favorite songs:
'There's a party in my tummy'
Also, 'I like bugs'

REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY
Rhinestone halter tops
are the chosen attire
for cooking dinner.

WHAT NOT TO WEAR
Stacy and Clinton
are sometimes cruel but they are
usually right.

Monday, February 1, 2010

TV: Super Bowl Showdown

All week long, we've been bombarded with expert predictions about the upcoming Super Bowl based on statistics, past game performances, key players and the like. But the truth is, nobody really knows what's going to happen -- it just has to play out.

That's why it can't hurt to foretell the game results using several random categories. But for this edition, we'll tally the categories using football scoring, with our guess for the final game score at the bottom. You heard it here first!

QUARTER ONE: UNIFORMS
The Colts have one thing going for them: You can't say anything bad about blue, for it's the color of most denim (+7). White isn't always flattering, and it gets dirty easily, but the lucky horseshoe symbols on the Colts' helmets help make up for that.
Lucky for the Saints, you can never go wrong wearing black, which is the consummate color of both chic-ness and bad-assery (+7). Throw in a little metallic gold (+3), and a classy fleur-de-lis symbol, and you have yourself a uniform both men and women can appreciate.
COLTS: 7
SAINTS: 10


QUARTER TWO: MASCOTS
Technically, a saint is a religious figure, which doesn't really impose much of a threat on a football field. As far as we know, there is no St. Ray Lewis.
Meantime, New Orleans' sideline mascots include Gumbo the Dog (a Saint Bernard in a football uniform) and Sir Saint, who looks like Snidley Whiplash in eyeliner and a football uni. Meh.
However, a baby horse isn't really that menacing either -- especially Indy's goofy, furry, smiling colt mascot that looks like a character from Sesame Street. While horses are known athletes (+3), they are also gentle, loving creatures that would rather graze in a field than sack a quarterback.
So for intimidation, we'll have to go with the Saints. Gumbo is a tad soft, but Sir Saint looks devious and ready for a battle (scores +6 for the touchdown, but misses the extra point because of the eyeliner).
COLTS: 10
SAINTS: 16

QUARTER THREE: COOLEST CITY
Sure, the Indy 500 is one of the best-known sporting events in the country (+3). But other than that, Indianapolis isn't a Mecca of much else.
New Orleans has the week-long party known as Mardi Gras (+7). On top of that, the city is known for jazz music, Cajun and Creole food, surviving Hurricane Katrina and its famous French Quarter here (+7). So, pretty much no contest on this one.
COLTS: 13
SAINTS: 30

QUARTER FOUR: SUPER SNACKS
Besides the usual fare of beer, pizza and chips, no Super Bowl party is complete without team-themed snacks.
New Orleans presents a plethora of lip-smacking options, including gumbo, beignets, King Cake and Hurricane cocktails (+10, seven for the snacks, three for the super-strong drink).
Indianapolis? After Googling, we discovered its traditional foods include pork tenderloin sandwiches and -- wait for it! -- corn. Sounds more like State Fair snacks than Super Bowl party dishes, but we'll throw a +2 their way because you need some kind of sustenance to soak up the alcohol on Super Bowl Sunday.
New Orleans wins this quarter, hands down.
COLTS: 15
SAINTS: 40


Bottom line: Sorry folks, this one's a blowout. When it comes to the preceding categories, there's no reason to even play the game on Sunday. The Saints are marching into first place!