Sunday, March 29, 2009

April Fools! Counting Down the Top 10 TV Morons


April Fools Day is a day to play practical jokes, and in doing so, a way to celebrate folks that are dim-witted enough to fall for them. But let's face it: you can only watch a your office-mates return a call to Mr. Behr from the zoo so many times before it stops being funny.
So to further celebrate this fine, upcoming holiday of lugheads and laughter, I compiled a list of my Top 10 TV Fools.


10. Molly Malaney, The Bachelor
Honestly, the whole situation that transpired with Jason on the After the Final Rose almost seemed like a bad April Fools' prank. Sadly, it wasn't, and when Molly took him back, she seemed desperate and prideless. Geez, at least pretend you're upset to be second fiddle.

Quote: "This is something I dreamt of, but never expected to hear. ... I'd be lying if I said I was glad this wasn't happening right now."

9. Flavor Flav, Flavor of Love
On two installments of this reality show, an aesthetically-challenged, 50-year-old rapper with a penchant for wearing over-sized clock necklaces, pimp suits and Viking horns searched for true love with "ladies" in their 20s. Frankly, Flavor Flav is the class clown that never grew up.

Quote: "Yeaaaaah Boyyeeeee!"

8. Woody Boyd, Cheers
As a bartender at Cheers, it's a miracle that bumbling Boyd (Woody Harrelson) could even remember how to make a proper cocktail when simple small talk sailed far above his head. Even with his foolishness, though, he still married the daughter of a millionaire and went on to become a politician. Not that you need smarts to do that.

Quote: Sam Malone to Woody: "You know what, Woody? You just gave me something to think about." Woody: "I'm sorry Sam. I hate it when someone does that to me."

7. Michael Scott, The Office

In the world of incompetent, politically incorrect, time-wasting bosses, Scott (Steve Carell) reigns supreme. After numerous run-ins with his supervisors and his lack of leadership skills, we can't believe this idiot still has a job.

Quote: "I guess the atmosphere that I've tried to create here is that I'm a friend first, and a boss second, and probably an entertainer third."

6. Joey Tribbiani, Friends

Tribbiani (Matt LeBlanc) sleeps with a stuffed penguin named Hugsy, considers eating 15 Oreos at once as a crowning achievement and starred in a Japanese TV commercial for men's lipstick. Case closed.

Quote (on living alone):"I thought it'd be great, you know? Have some time alone with my thoughts. Turns out, I don't really have as many thoughts as you'd think."

5. Rose Nylund, The Golden Girls
With her meandering, pointless tales of life in St. Olaf, Minnesota, and her complete oblivion to everything around her, Nylund (Betty White) is incredibly endearing and entertaining. But smart? Not by a long shot.

Quote: "You know what they say: You can lead a herring to the water, but you have to walk really fast or he'll die."

4. Peter Griffin, Family Guy
Well, for starters, Peter's baby, Stewie, and dog, Brian, are both a million times smarter than him. Besides being obese and a heavy drinker, he's also a purveyor of grotesque bodily functions, loves Pauly Shore movies and treats his daughter Meg like a pariah.

Quote: "I'm going to microwave a bagel and have sex with it. "

3. Chrissy Snow, Three's Company
Snow is the textbook definition of a dumb blonde, all the way down to her uncontrollable snorts during laughter. But she's got another loveable side: She makes astute observations from time to time –- but without knowing she's doing it, of course.

Quote: "This breakfast is good enough to eat!"

2. George Costanza, Seinfeld
Costanza lived at home with his parents, was chronically unemployed, and his most successful day was when he did the opposite of all his instincts. But the icing on the cake: When he flew all the way to Akron, Ohio, to insult a guy who'd demeaned him at a meeting, and ended up being the butt of the joke. Again. Constanza is the real jerk store here.

Quote: "My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter, I was raised to give up. It's one of the few things I do well."

1. Beavis/Butthead, Beavis & Butt-head

Without a doubt, these two are the biggest morons to ever hit TV. Their conversations are made up of banal music commentary and bathroom humor, interspersed with their signature laugh, "heh-heh-heh."

Quotes: Beavis: "My name is Cornholio. I need T.P. for my bunghole." Butt-head: "This sucks more than anything has ever sucked before."

Saturday, March 28, 2009

... And she had rage in her eyes ...

I woke up in a really good mood today. I got to sleep in, the house was totally clean, I received all my new nursery stuff yesterday, and my mom sent a gift card to buy our new crib. (Thanks, mom!)

So I headed over to Target with my gift card and a big smile. While I was there, I saw the cutest little baby outfits on sale for $5, so I grabbed a couple. It just kept getting better.

I got up front and paid for my stuff, and then had to wait while they brought the crib from the stockroom so I chatted a bit with the teenaged girl at the register.

She said she loved baby clothes, and proceeded to tell me that she had a newborn daughter and a 3-year-old son. Of course, I congratulated her on her newborn and she talked a little more about her kids.

There was a pause, and then she said to me, "So are these things a gift for your new grandchild?"

And at that moment, I had my first bout with pregnancy-induced rage. There was no gradual stewing that happened... I went from cheerful to GO FUCK YOURSELF in .5 seconds. I think I have only ever been that pissed off/hurt three or four times in my life, and they all were results of too much alcohol consumption.

Maybe to her young ass, I looked like an old hag. Or maybe in her redneck yokel family, everyone is a grandmother by their mid-30s. But neither of those things changed the fact that I wanted to CLIMB OVER THE COUNTER AND CRUSH IN HER FUCKING SKULL.

But in my pregnant state, I was not agile enough to reach over and JAM THE HANGERS FROM THE BABY OUTFITS INTO HER WHORISH EYE SOCKETS.

I know, I'm not 25 anymore, but a grandmother??????

So I just replied, "No. And I think I'll wait over here."

See? I'm already a good mother. Holding my temper means that Nicholas will not be born in jail. But I better not see that girl later this summer...

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Extreme Denial

You know how you denial works. It can make you think ridiculous, often deranged things, like:

-- These Easter-sized candy bars are soooo small; I might as well eat 5 or 6 of them. I'll just walk an extra 10 minutes on the treadmill. Or not.

-- Watching Rock of Love Bus and Bad Girls Club is a totally worthwhile use of my time.

-- I might as well buy this expensive handbag because I'm totally going to win the Powerball on Wednesday, so I'll be able pay it off immediately.

But my biggest, most recent denial has beeen in regards to my shoes. Many of my child-bearing friends have said that at some point in my pregnancy, my shoes would probably stop fitting for a while.

Fuck that, I thought. My feet know better than to deprive me of my very favorite accessory in the world. All my baby bulkiness has thankfully gone right where it's supposed to (belly) and nowhere else. I wanted to at least keep wearing cute shoes. A girl has to feel fancy somehow, right? I could even live with wearing my fun, colorful flats/sandals for the sake of comfort.

So I was unprepared yesterday, when my black patent strappy sandals were too tight. And by tight, I mean after three hours (of sitting at my desk, not even walking around), they were buried in the top of my feet.

I changed into my sparkly flip-flops for the rest of the day. And then when I got home and wanted to walk the dogs, my freakin' tennis shoes felt snug.

What the fuck is this?, I thought. I've been walking and drinking water and doing yoga, partly for health, and partly in hopes that this would not happen.

I'll tell you what this is. It's the beginning of me wearing Mary Jane style Crocs and sandals -- I bought them today -- for the next three or so months. Flip-flops are OK, but they don't have enough arch support for all the running around I do for work.

See ya later, pride.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

TV Throwdown: Who Is More Annoying? Octo-Mom Vs. Bachelor Dad



Let's cut to the chase. I am so totally sick of seeing The Bachelor's Jason Mesnick and Nadya Suleman (aka Octo-Mom) on TV that I'm considering reading more books, just so I don't accidentally have to watch another repetitive interview in HD.

Both parties claim they're not out for attention, but neither seems to be fading into the sunset. So, who's the most annoying of the omnipresent pair? Glad you asked. We pitted them against each other to find out. (Remember, a point in someone's favor means they're more annoying, so the winner here is really the loser.)

TV APPEARANCES:
Jason is not only The Bachelor's first dad, he's the only to require a second After the Final Rose update program. Since that time, we've witnessed him spew his Melissa apologies to Ellen Degeneres, Bonnie Hunt and on Extra, to name just a few. Plus, every other television entertainment show seems to have daily tidbits about him and/or his two ladies.
Nadya is on her post-procreation publicity tour, sitting down almost daily with news magazines, filming segments for The Insider and more. On Tuesday night alone, she was on Dr. Phil, Inside Edition, Entertainment Tonight (twice in a 30 minute show!) and Extra. I actually had dreams about her that night.
Kill me now.
Octo-Mom: 1
Bachelor Dad: 0

MAGAZINE COVERS:
Of course, magazine covers depend on the week's happenings. And with the whole Chris Brown/Rihanna thing going on, both Jason and Nadya have been mostly relegated to inside stories. But Jason's mug was front on center (with Molly) on People magazine, and he makes the cover of this week's Us Weekly (with ex-fiance Melissa Rycroft) as well. (Octo-Mom gets a small cover photo and tease on the same issue.)
Octo-Mom:1
Bachelor Dad: 1


PARENTING ABILITY:
Jason is billed as a single father, but he shares custody of Ty 50-50 with his ex-wife. So that's a two-to-one parent ratio, and a marriage to Molly would make three parental units. We are slightly concerned about Jason letting Ty's tantrums rule the roost, but at least he has a job and a stable home.
Nadya, who already had six kids, is unemployed, on food stamps and soliciting donations on her website to help raise her 14 children.
She recently accepted an offer of free, round-the-clock nurses worth $135K a month, and her dad just bought her a new house. But she clearly cannot care for 14 children (many with health concerns) alone — and they are what's important here. When one of her six older children expressed depression and sadness over the new family sitch, she "held him for 10 minutes, and he held me back, and that's all he needed." Or is that just all you had time for, SuperMom?)
Octo-Mom: 2
Bachelor Dad: 1


REALITY SHOWS:
Thanks to reality TV, Jason has gone from the broken-hearted dad from The Bachelorette, to perhaps the most popular Bachelor ever, to arguably the biggest jackass who has ever been on either show. We never found him that compelling on either program, but we can't deny his public appeal.
At first, Octo-Mom reportedly turned down the free nurses because they wouldn't allow her to film a reality show. However, she will now be doing "reality show" segments for The Insider and already has a daily video blog for Radar Online. (TMZ also reports Nadya was offered a million bucks to do porn. There's no word on her decision, but we hope she agrees that her lady parts have seen enough activity to last several lifetimes.)
Still, reality shows are why we even know who Jason is.
Octo-Mom: 2
Bachelor Dad: 2

MENTAL STABILITY:
Besides the fact that he's wishy-washy, Jason is a freaking tear factory. I've had crazy pregnancy hormones for almost six months, and I've cried less in that time than Jason in one TV appearance. Kleenex should hire him as an official spokesperson.
Octo-Mom — who, at first glace, should be the one bawling her eyes out — seems to remain in a state of eternal, calm bliss. Listen, lady: If Jon and Kate are frazzled over their 8 kids in their $1.3 million dollar home, you should be freaking the hell out right now. She's also reportedly offered to sell the video of her octo-birth to the highest bidder. Um, gross.
Perhaps her recently-departed publicist said it best: "This woman is nuts."
Ya think?
Octo-Mom: 3
Bachelor Dad: 2

Bottom line: Eventually the fervor for The Bachelor will die down – it always does – and for that, we cannot wait. But we anticipate constant updates on Nadya's children/mothering skills/parents/dating life, etc. for years to come – particularly if she keeps getting paid for her stories. Being a media whore has become her meal ticket.
We totally care about the welfare of the children, but good grief. Octo-Mom and the media need a nice, long vacation from one another.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Top 10 Unforgettable Reality TV Moments

So, we're totally sick of The Bachelor Jason Mesnick and his love triangle of indecision. But it is, perhaps, the most interesting thing to ever happen in the history of the show.... which got us thinking about other reality show happenings that are etched in our memory for all eternity.

We present our Top 10 Unforgettable Reality Show Moments:

10. Vicki gets crushed in the head with a football
If you've ever watched The Real Housewives of Orange County, then you probably think Vicki is totally annoying. Between her incessant "woo-hoos!," the micro-management of her grown children and her obsession with her laptop – even when she's out with friends – it's hard not to want to smack her. So this past season, when she was on a boat with friends and was accidentally smashed in the head with heavy, water-soaked football, we chuckled a little. OK, a lot. It's been a long time coming.

9. Santino channels Tim Gunn
Part of the fun of watching Project Runway is seeing the designers chat/bicker/clown around in the work room. But we think former contestant Santino Rice's dead-on impersonations of mentor Tim Gunn were classic. Santino perfected Tim's speech patterns, enunciation and voice. Highlights: "Where's Andrae?" and his Tim Gunn rendition of Nine Inch Nails' "Closer to God."

8. Ruthie goes to rehab
Today, there are reality shows based on people seeking recovery for their addictions. But usually, watching people get ridiculously drunk on TV has been par for the course. So when housemates on The Real World: Hawaii sent roommate Ruthie to rehab in 1999 after a string of crazy incidents (she had passed out in bars, performed table dances for her boss' wife, required the help of paramedics, etc.), it was a big deal in reality TV history. Probably even a first.

7. Tyra's meltdown
Tyra Banks is known for many things: Looking great in underwear, being a decent entrepreneur and acting goofy to the point of extreme embarrassment. So to see Tyra become completely enraged at an ungrateful, contrary contestant on season four of America's Next Top Model was unforgettable. We've seen less screeching after a Maury Povich paternity test gone bad.

6. Omarosa vs. Janice Dickinson
Well, what else besides war is going to happen when you put two mega-bitch celebrities with huge egos in the same house? Omarosa: "I feel sorry for her children." Janice: "She looks like Rick James' Siamese twin." They called each other crackheads throughout the program, and with their antics, you really didn't even need to see any of the other cast members.

5. Tanisha's wake-up call
After Tanisha's roommates kept her up all night on Bad Girls Club, she got up bright and early, went to the kitchen in her nightgown and got some big, thick baking pans. She then paraded around to all the girls' rooms – who were asleep with hangovers – and smashed the cooking tools together like symbals. "Get the f*** up!! This is what's going to go on all motherf******* day! " Immature? Yes. Worth rewinding? Definitely.

4. Jessica Simpson, Chicken of the Sea
From Newlyweds: Jessica Simpson (to then-hubby Nick Lachey): "Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish? I know it's tuna, but it says chicken. (pause) By the sea. Is that stupid?" (Nick just stares at her, then shakes his head.)
Nick: "You act like you've never had tuna before."
Jessica: "Why is it called chicken by the sea, or in the sea?"
Nick: "Chicken of the Sea is the brand."
Jessica: "Oh .... I read it wrong."

3. Tattooing tales – a tie
Everyone knows that getting spontaneous tattoos after a few drinks is an excellent idea. So tied for third place, we have: Heather from Rock of Love, who tattooed Bret Michaels' name on the back of her neck during a date. (He dumped her soon after, natch.)
And also, three morons from Tool Academy, decided had the show's logo emblazoned on their bodies. The trio of fools ridiculed the one guy who didn't follow suit. His response: "I thought we were supposed to be progressing and not doing toolish things. I think a Tool Academy tattoo is definitely toolish."

2. Mini Me gets naked and pees
After drinking more than an average-sized adult probably should on The Surreal Life, an inebriated Verne Troyer climbs on to his scooter naked, and motors into the exercise room. He pees in the corner on the carpet, and you can totally hear the audio of the urine splashing up off the floor. At one point, in mid-stream, Troyer just stares blankly at the camera man. It's totally disturbing.

1. The legendary loogie
Many classy things went down on Flavor of Love, but perhaps the grossest occurance was the spitball heard round the world. During an elimination round, Pumkin hurled a big, thick lunger at which landed on the face of fellow contestant New York.

Five thoughts for Sunday

1. Ladies, don't you hate it when, after getting your hair colored, your scalp is so itchy and dry from the scrubbing it gets to efficiently remove all the last remnants of dye? I feel like I'm in a Head & Shoulders commercial, minus the white flecks on the shoulder of my black shirt.

2. Watching TV series on DVD is possibly the best thing I've ever done. Otherwise, there's just no way I'd ever get to watch a million seasons of The Sopranos so long after the series started/ended. (Watch The Wire on DVD if you never did when it was on the air! It's perhaps the best crime drama ever.)

3. Everytime I clean out my keyboard, I am amazed at how freakin' COLD those bottles of compressed air get.

4. Is there anything cuter than two dogs spooning on the couch?

5. Besides his bizarre public masturbation habits, Miles (our cat) also likes to take showers. On weekends, after about 8 a.m., he starts whining for someone to get up and take one. (He's doing that now.)
When he's showering, sometimes he just sticks his head in through the side, other times, he gets into the tub and fully soaks himself. He's been doing for 13 years, since he was a kitten.
Also, for those of you who don't know, Miles also has a buck tooth. Total freak show.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Super-boredom strikes

Yep, another survey from Facebook. I'm officially almost as big an asshole as David Caruso for even filling this out ... on a Friday night, no less.


Three Other Names I have been called:
1. Maze
2. Hotts or Hottie (my friend Elana calls me these)
3. Slut or pussy (Terms of endearment with some of my other girlfriends. We like to swear. So what?)

Three jobs I have had in my life:
1. Hardware slinger
2. Jockstrap launderer at a fitness club
3. Babysitter of bubble skirts and mega-bangles (current)

Three Places I have lived:
1. Salem, OR
2. Freeport, IL
3. Spokane, WA

Three TV shows that I watch:
1. True Blood
2. Big Love
3. United States of Tara

Three places I have been:
1. Tulum, Mexico
2. Mount Rushmore
3. Dominican Republic

Three of my favorite foods:
1. Spicy red pepper hummus
2. Scallops
3. Cupcakes

Three people I think will respond:
1. Bored
2. Boreder
3. Boredest

Three things I am looking forward to:
1. Finishing a fiction novel
2. Maternity leave from work
3. Raising a son that doesn't behave like he was raised by wolves, video games or TV.

Three things that aggravate you:
1. When there aren't enough yellow and green pieces in a box of Dots
2. 80 percent of people
3. Bangs in my eyes

Three musicians/bands you could listen to forever:
1. Prince
2. A Tribe Called Quest
3. Wu-Tang Clan

Three things you want to do better:
1. Stick to an exercise routine
2. Read instead of watching crappy TV shows
3. Own plants without killing them

Shootings, missing money and death by cupcakes

Today, as I stood in one of my work parking lots with my friend/collegue, Reem, this uplifting situation was going on in another Courier-Journal parking lot across the street. How freakin' depressing.

(And yes, I just linked to my husband's job's website because ours hasn't been updated with any current information since before noon, even though this happened on our property.)

So anyway, the guy died underneath one of my co-worker's SUVs. I bet she had fun driving home tonight.

Also, the hubs and me have been expecting our income tax refund -- the one with our awesome first-time homebuyer's deductions -- for weeks now. When it didn't drop in again today, we called the IRS to check in. They said they hadn't even received our tax return yet. Apparently, some filing glitch happened along the way. I'm having to take furlough days without pay and we're trying to put together a nursery! I want the extra dough now!

Finally, I left work early today because I was having a lot of pain in a scar that I have from a botched surgery from years ago. I also felt a little sad, so when I got home, I ate some bite-sized, frosted brownies from Whole Foods. And by "some," I mean six. The baby needs frosting to grow big and strong!

Now, I have a different, frosting-overload-related stomach pain.

Tomorrow is my much-needed haircut/color/eyebrow arch, however, so I expect to feel like a new person. A new, happy person who only eats two mini-cupcakes at a time instead of six. Also, I should exercise.

Happy Friday!

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Five Questions

1. Is it warped to wish herpes or explosive diarrhea upon people who piss you off if you immediately feel guilty about having the thought?

2. When the HGTV people redo a kitchen in a half-hour show, why do I think I can do the same thing with the same results?

3. Do you think that '24' has the smallest wardrobe allowance of any other television show? Those people wear the same clothes in every episode. (A whole season is only a day long, after all.)

4. Who are bigger assholes: People who always wear sunglasses inside and at night? Or folks who feel the need to throw a peace sign (or some other hand signal) in every, single photograph?

5. Am I shallow for believing that my mood will improve 200 percent at 9:30 a.m. Saturday, when I am getting a much-needed haircut and color? I feel raggedy.

Monday, March 2, 2009

TV Throwdown: Kim Kardashian vs.Paris Hilton





Oh, to be famous for having no talent whatsoever. It can score you loads of publicity, modeling contracts and even your own reality show. And no two Hollywood lovelies fit the no-skills-besides-being-pretty decription better than former best friends Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian.
So with a new season of "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" slated for 10 p.m.
Sunday on E!, and Paris' "My New BFF" in the not-so-distant rearview mirror, it seemed like the perfect time for a celebrity catfight...TV Throwdown style.

"ACTING"
Kim has one Razzie award nomination for her supporting role in "Disaster Movie." But since 2006, Paris has won four Razzies: two worst supporting actress, one worst actress and one for worst screen couple. Kim has a lot more on-screen damage to do before she catches up, so she wins this round.
Kim: 1
Paris: 0

HAIRDOS
Call me shallow, but hair -- especially on two young celebs -- is important. While both ladies appear to use extensions from time to time, Paris scores points for actually changing her look, and earns extra credit for each of those looks being flattering. As a celeb, Kim probably has the funds to do whatever she wants with her tresses, but never seems to stray from her long, flowy locks. Kim has hair, but Paris has hair style.
Kim: 1
Paris: 1

FASHION SENSE
Man, I don't know. Kim's curve-hugging ensembles range from semi-classy to overly-boobalicious. She has such a beautiful shape; classic hourglass figures are so rare these days among all the praying mantis-type Hollywood physiques. But sometimes, more (clothing) is ... more.
Bless her scrawny, bird-legged little heart, but has there been a time when Paris wore something that was long enough to graze her knees? Her too-short frocks often reveal her preference for going commando. No panties in the tabloids = major fashion faux pas. Also, she topped Mr. Blackwell's worst-dressed list in 2003. And finally, it's hard for me to trust a person whose thighs don't touch.
Kim: 2
Paris: 1

SEX TAPE SCANDALS
Both ladies noticed a sharp rise in fame after being featured in sex tapes. Since we have no desire to see said videos, we'll judge this category on their romping partners.
Paris' dude, Rick Salomon, was best-known for being married to Shannen Doherty. Kim's accomplice, Ray-J, was famous for being R&B singer Brandy's little brother. Way to go, ladies! You'd think if you were going to tape sex, it'd be with someone awesome like Brad Pitt or Denzel Washington. There are no winners here.
Kim: 2
Paris: 1

REALITY SHOWS
With a bizarre menagerie of family members (which includes her "I Still Think I'm 30" mother, Kris; her over-plastic surgeried step-dad, Bruce Jenner; and constantly-bickering-then-making-up siblings), "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" is rarely packed with filler.
We found "The Simple Life" installations fairly entertaining. However, as hard as we tried, we couldn't make it through a single episode of Paris' "My New BFF." I mean, Paris is supposed to be a celebrity, but she's shopping for a new best friend via a reality show cast? Really? Still, Paris has a slew of reality shows under her belt, so someone must want to watch her.
Kim: 2
Paris: 2

FRIENDS
It's no wonder Paris is searching for a new best friend. She's had public feuds with several of her former besties, including Nicole Ritchie and Kardashian. On an L.A. radio show, Paris said "I would not want (Kim's butt) -- it's gross. It reminds me of cottage cheese inside a big trash bag." We have no recollection of Kim making any disparaging public remarks about her friends, unless provoked. Her response to Paris' remark: "I don't really care. At least I have a butt." Touche.
But Paris goes through friends like most people herself not included go through underwear (herself not included). Who wants walk on eggshells like that?
Kim: 3
Paris: 2

Bottom line: Paris too often comes off as a self-serving, back-stabbing rich girl that makes few contributions to society. (And no, her horrible go at singing doesn't count, even if it was pure comedy.) It's not like Kim is curing cancer or anything, but at least she knows more words than "that's hot." Overall, Kim seems more humble and likeable as a person. Plus, I like big butts and I can not lie.