Resolving TV for 2009

Let's face it: Nobody really ever keeps their New Year's Resolutions. Sad, but true. So I decided to forego making my own (why bother?) in favor of making some for my favorite TV shows and characters. Which makes me wonder: Should I resolve to stop watching so much TV?


Heidi Montag: Now that The Hills character is saddled with Spencer as a husband, Heidi should really work on repairing her relationship with her family – no matter what her creepy hubs has to say about it. If he loves her like he says, he shouldn't even balk at this idea. But we know he will.

Desperate Housewives: Am I the only person who thinks Susan's character is annoying and pointless? DH writers should resolve to move her somewhere far, far away. Or for her to meet with some other bizarre fate that would either A) remove her from the cast or B) give her a personality transplant.

Tara Thornton: This True Blood character tried getting her demons exorcised in a weird backwoods ceremony. Now she's living with some strange woman, and there's something not quite right about the situation. Tara probably can't afford therapy, but she should go back to her own house and take some yoga to help relax her temper. That seems safer.

Peggy Olson: We like where this Mad Men character is going. At work, she's successful, and she's getting more confident, and she's greasing the wheels for female workers of the future. But we hope she can quit pretending her baby doesn't exist – but only after she comes to that decision on her own, not because she feels pressured by anyone else.

Entourage: It seems like Vince will be back in the big time next season. But we hope writers can work in a storyline or two for Johnny Drama. We'd rather see him conduct his own life business than cook breakfast for Vince every morning.

Hank Moody: The troubled lead character on Californication has turned a new page. Now that Karen's moved to New York, Hank is solely responsible for raising Becca. Hopefully, that means he'll stop banging random chicks in his house, and will try and set a positive example for his teenage daughter.

Bret Michaels: Dude, we really hope the third time's a charm. But we suspect Rock of Love Tour Bus will end just like the first two seasons of Rock of Love. And when that happens, for the love of God Bret, please resolve to stop doing these ridiculous dating shows. And please, let that blast-from-the-past hairdo go, too.

Zak Bagans: I'm not sure if you've ever seen Ghost Adventures, a ghost hunting show on the Travel Channel. But if you have, there's no way you have gotten all the way through the show without laughing at host Zak's expense. He's the biggest, meatheaded, frat boy tool I've ever seen – and I'd like him to resolve to not change a thing. It's a riot. (Watch for snippets of his jackassery on The Soup, where he makes frequent appearances.)

VH1: This company should resolve to ditch their think tank and start fresh. If I have to see one more reality show with Tiffany "New York" Pollard, Real and Chance, Boston or Bret Michaels, I'm going to throw my remote through my giant TV.

The cast of Bad Girls Club: These women should go into hiding. Their behavior is so embarrassing, I can't imagine them going out in public and not being totally humiliated. Some people will do anything to be on TV... this is, perhaps, the most offensive show on television.


Survivor:
I'm kind of bored with seeing people sweat profusely and get eaten alive by mosquitoes. They should have filmed the latest installment in Spokane, Wash., when 30 inches of snow fell in a 24-hour period and temps were below freezing. Survive that, people.