Driving Miss Maisy

Summary haiku:
No more U-turns, or
punching steering wheel. Mandy
tells me where to go.



Well. I just made this list of all the stuff that needs to get done in the next day and a half. And I started to freak-the-fuck-out when it reached the bottom fourth of an 8x11 page of notebook paper.

So what's the logical thing to do? Sit down with the laptop and write a blog -- something that is not, incidentally, on that list. Whatever. I'm tired. I haven't been feeling well lately. And I was running around town for work, non-stop, all day.

A girl can only do so much before she hits the wall and needs a swig of vodka. And yes, it does fit into the Weight Watchers plan -- only 2 points! In fact, my good friend Stephanie -- who is also an incredibly talented writer; read her most excellent home-and-life-improvement blog here -- refers to vodka as "diet alcohol." Drink it straight up, and the overall calorie damage is pretty low. I haven't consulted my liver on any other potential damages, however.

Anyhoo, this is what brings me to my computer tonight: I need to extol the virtues of my Christmas present, a GPS navigation system for my car. Besides my dog, Lucy, this is the best, most useful gift I have ever received.

I have absolutely no sense of direction. I'm not sure how I existed before Mapquest. If someone watched me try to find places from above, it would look like a Family Circus installment:



Anyway, this device is like magic. My appreciation for it grows with each day of out-of-the-office assignments in random areas of town. In addition to a visual map and instructions, you can choose from several different voices who will speak the instructions to you as they happen.

I chose Mandy, a pleasant-sounding American girl. Although, for a fee, you also have the option of download the voice of John Cleese from the website. Personally, I'd prefer Method Man -- "Yo, bus' a left at this stoplight, nah'mean?" -- but beggars can't be choosers.



Mandy warns me to get in the proper lane two miles in advance of the turn. She can find me the nearest gas station, library or school, or take me to any address in the U.S. and Guam. But, unlike other navigators I've experienced, she doesn't talk too much or get all pissed off and yell at you when you make a wrong turn.



Our Realtor's system talks for nearly the entire ride and if you screw up, you get scolded: "TURN AROUND AS SOON AS POSSIBLE! TURN AROUND IMMEDIATELY!" Mandy simply recalculates the route from your mistake and pretends it never happened. Just like a girlfriend should.

It has changed my life. And it is helping the environment, because I'm using a helluva lot less gas, and therefore, making less pollution.

I never imagined I'd be quoting Barry Manilow on anything, but I have to say: "Oh Mandy, You came and you gave without taking.... and I need you today, oh Mandy."

OK, time for "Project Runway."