I beg you, think before you send

Summary haiku:
If your email
is longer than this, please
don't send me that shit.


So, I just had a lovely week. I was off work for a 7 days, my mom was in town and we ate, drank and shopped. It was relaxing and fantastic and great to see mi madre.

But how quickly the serenity wears off. I only worked Wednesday-Friday, but it felt like a week. Probably because it took me that long to filter through all the email. Not just the spam. But the email from people I know. Friends, family members, even.

PEOPLE WHO FORWARD TONS OF ASININE EMAILS ARE ASSHOLES. I mean, who really does that, right? A lot of motherfuckers, as it turns out. Forward or not, I am constantly surprised at the things people send out to multiple recipients. When I open my email, I should not have 23 messages from the same person, sent on the same day.

But can you really block these people from your email if you're related to them, or they're your friends?

Here is a list of things I'm interested in having forwarded to me: Pictures of cute shoes. Mullet haikus. Links to your online vaction photos (I like to live vicariously). And the periodic dirty, grimy joke. BUT -- and this is of the upmost importance -- these emails must be short. If they can't be read without scrolling down, please keep that shit to yourself.

I never want to see any of this again: Forwards about Jesus, abortion, the $25 that Bill Gates is supposedly giving away (it's a hoax, people!!!!). Ghetto prom pictures, terrorists, rednecks (except, again, the mullet haikus... send those), etc.; inspirational quotes and long-ass narrative stories that end up being about God. (I don't have anything against religion, but I'm just sayin': I don't need 35 messages a day about it.)

Also, please do not send messages that include any of the following: "It's girlfriends week! Thank you for being a wonderful girlfriend," "Please forward this to the person who sent it to you and ten other people," "I'm a walnut tree, what are you?"

Sure, pressing the delete button is easy. But I sure wish I didn't have to. If I'm really a wonderful girlfriend, send me a card in the mail. I'll put it on my mantle and cherish it.