MTV Cribs: Gangsta Popsicles and Bedazzled Cow Skulls

Ever since we bought a house earlier this year, I've become a bit obsessed with checking out other people's homes. I've watched a whole lot of HGTV, but I'm not ashamed to admit that I still watch a little MTV Cribs now and then, too.

In addition to giving me some possible decorating ideas (thanks, Ali Landry), I've been re-reminded of how entertaining a segment of Cribs can be. Sometimes, you can forget all about the house. (Examples: when we discovered Joss Stone has a Rottweiler named Missy Elliott, or when Snoop Dogg declared "We keep it gangsta up in (the freezer): Popsicles, Leggo my Eggos."

Here are five highly entertaining episodes of Cribs that are worth checking out.

Bret Michaels:

The only real difference between the Rock of Love mansion and Bret Michaels' Arizona estate is that there are fewer half-naked skanks. Bret still rides his motorcycle through his house, wears his bandanna/wig set and displays his official "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" guitar. And when he walks in the kitchen, some classy young lady wearing a naughty nurse Halloween costume is fixing him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, sans crust. Nice.
House highlights: Outdoor pool table; a really cool, rugged coffee table; and the authentic cow skull that Bret's daughters bedazzled for him.
In the fridge: Salad spritzer, insulin and Starbucks frappuccinos.
Quote: "This is the '04 Mercedes s500. It has the most important thing when you live in the southwest. It has a system that actually refrigerates your butt cheeks."

Redman:
Talk about keeping it real. I've seen more put-together fraternity houses than this rapper's Staten Island townhouse – and I love it because Redman straight up does not care. He's got a big piles of clothes and miscellaneous stuff in the corners of his bedroom, living room and dining room. He irons on the floor; his closet is in shambles; and his video game systems are strewn all around, their entangled wires looking like a pack of cooked Ramen noodles. The most organized thing here is the home studio and DVD collection.
House highlights: Redman keeps a "dollar box" on top of his fridge, in case he needs money to run for the store for something. His doorbell must be hot wired to work.
Hygiene: Redman uses Noxema and Herbal Essences body wash. At least something gets cleaned here.
Quote: "The vibe I'm looking for in this apartment is bachelor's crib." Mission accomplished.

Mariah Carey
Mariah's Cribs is so ridiculous, it got its own half hour special. We see her magnificent Manhattan penthouse, but it's totally overshadowed by Mariah's constant outfit changes and bizarre behavior. She answered the door in a cocktail dress that needed some double-sided tape. She wore a sweatsuit for the kitchen and laundry room tour; a cream colored teddy during the tour of her lingerie closet and her birthday suit to show off her jacuzzi tub. But coup de gras is when she donned a super-short cocktail dress and four-inch stilettos, then proceeded to her gym and worked out on the stair stepper.
House highlights: View of the Empire State Building and the biggest closet ever made.
Quotes: "I've only used this shower once because there are too many knobs to figure out. ... I really don't know how to use most of this (exercise equipment)." Enjoy yourself, Nick Cannon. The intellectual conversation in your house must be quite stimulating.

Perez Hilton
Perez himself is actually kind of boring (did you seem him on Celebrity Rap Superstar? Lame!). But when he answered his door wearing a big, furry robe and bunny slippers, his Cribs seemed promising. The self-proclaimed "gossip gangsta" showed off his minimalist-style apartment, during which time he raved about the "#1 Son" magnet his mother got him. Oh wait, did I mention his mother showed up as well? Some people have over their homies during Cribs... Perez wears a robe and invites his mom. Personally, though, we were more intrigued by his kitchen counter, which was empty except for a bottle of vodka a lot of dog treats.
House highlights: His second bedroom, which has been converted into a closet; and a pink Hello Kitty guitar.
Quote: "A California King bed is the only size big enough for this queen."

Dale Earnhardt, Jr.
To Dale Earnhardt Jr., the poker room and the dining room are one and the same. "There's a top that goes on this poker table in case you want to eat dinner, but we never do that," he said. Shortly after, we heard the potential reason why: "Nobody ever taught me how to cook. Sometimes I have to force myself to eat it." He redeemed himself later by showing off the miniature Western town that he built on his property – seriously, it's like a Deadwood set – which is perhaps the most unique addition we've seen to any celebrity home. Among other things, Dale's "Whiskey River" town has its own saloon, hotel and jail. The party possibilities here are endless.
House highlights: Corvette collection, his basement chill room based on a painting from 'Good Times' and two pet buffalo named Laverne and Shirley.
In the fridge: Budweiser, Bud Light, Amp, Jell-O Pudding Pops, and barbecued ribs from the Rendezvous restaurant in Memphis.
Quote: "I like books. They're good for when you're in the john." Or in jail.

Project Runway produces outfits, Halloween costume

Not a full minute into “Project Runway” and Blayne is already annoying. “Team Dramaliiiiicious,” he says, walking out of the apartment door. I haven’t readied the proper snacks and libations to deal with this foolishness so early in the show. Speaking of minutes:

9:02 p.m. The designers go to meet Heidi Klum so they can learn about their next challenge. She tells them they’ll be designing an outfit for “a high-powered and glamorous professional woman.”
Blayne: “I just don’t want it to be Hillary Clinton because I would never win if I made a neon pantsuit.” Correction: You’ll never win with a neon pantsuit no matter who it’s for.
They go to the work room to meet the high-powered business woman, but first they take guesses at who it might be: Heidi Klum? Nancy Grace? Joan Rivers?
9:03: Stella: “I would like to design for Sharon Osbourne, Queen of Rock. She’s a businesswoman.”
Nope, it’s Brooke Shields.Suede busts out some trivia: “I, of course, love Brooke because she was a Calvin Klein model. ‘Nothing comes between me and my Calvins!’”(Isn’t it tragic, though, that nobody will come between Suede and his fauxhawk?)

9:04: Brooke tells designers they are to create a look for her character, Wendy, on Lipstick Jungle. Wendy is a studio executive/musician’s wife, who needs an outfit that can “carry her from day to night.” And, they’ll be working in teams!

9:10: The prize for this challenge: Shields’ character will wear the winning outfit in an episode of Lipstick Jungle. “Everyone wants that,” Terri says. Sure, if you say so.
After seeing all 12 sketches, Brooke chooses Keith, Korto, Jerell, Terri, Kelli and Blayne to make the outfits.

9:16: Jerell asks: “Who doesn’t want their outfit worn on national TV?” Jerell, FYI, that’s what you’re doing on Project Runway right now.

9:19: Suede, who is partners with Terri, is whining in a nasally voice. He’s “really uncomfortable” cutting the fabric for their draped shirt.
Terri doesn’t have time for it: “I don’t know what he’s packing – balls or va-jay-jay – be he needs to work that out. ... Please, man up.”

9:22: Daniel is Kelli’s partner and the skirt he made looks like it’s rumbled with a Weed Wacker. “Daniel made this skirt – half ruched, half not. The zipper’s all schwabbly. It’s a mess. It’s destroyed.” She tells him to make a different one.

9:23: Terri to Suede: “This whole back is jacked up Everything Suede seems to be touching is not gold.” Oh God! Suede’s third-person-speak is rubbing off on her: “If it’s between Terri going home and Suede going home, it’s peace out.”

9:28: Back from commercial break, Tim Gunn is making his rounds. Blayne to Tim: “Holla at your boy!” Holla at my fist, Blayne.

9:42: Runway time! Here come the outfits, which are, for the most part, underwhelming.

9:45: OMG! Jerell is wearing a pink and white flowered nightgown with an asymmetrical hem, over a pair of pants and underneath a grody vest. What the hell is that?

9:47: Kelli and Daniel have combined black and leopard print fabrics with turquoise lace to create a trampy bustier. It’s paired with a black pencil skirt and leopard-trimmed jacket and turquoise belt.
The judges love it!
Brooke: “It looks so much cheaper than I thought it could look.”
Nina: “You can’t get taste if you don’t have it.”
Michael: “Slutty, slutty, slutty.”
Truly, it’s awful.

9:49: Blayne and Leanne turn in a snoozefest of out outfit that’s centered around a pair of ugly Bermuda shorts. Heidi summed up how all of us were feeling: “She looked like a woman that didn’t have a mirror. It was really dark and she just grabbed things and put them on.”

9:56: Keith and Kenley are deemed the winners with their scalloped fringe skirt and convertible floral top. Their outfit will appear on season 2 Lipstick Jungle. I know you’re setting your DVR right now.

9:57: Kelli and Blayne are in the bottom two. The judges hate her taste so much that she’s out. Turns out schwabbly zippers were the least of her problems. She should turn her outfit into one of those Halloween costumes you buy in a bag. They could call it “After-Five Party Girl” or “Business-Slut.” Or something.

Preview for next week: They’re making costumes for drag queens! I wish I could get in a time machine and go to next Wednesday right now!

See ya, Bernie

I admit it: I was probably late coming to the Bernie Mac party.

The first time I heard him do stand-up was in during the 2000 The Original Kings of Comedy documentary. From the moment I saw that movie, Mac shot up my list of favorite funny guys.

It wasn't just his knack for storytelling, or his crazy facial expressions or his profanity-laden routines. He spoke the absolute truth in hilarious ways and he didn't apologize for it. "I'm saying what you're scared to say," he said in Kings. "Fun is fun. Jokes is jokes. This is just expression."

And when he finally scored his own sitcom, The Bernie Mac Show on Fox, we saw another side of him: A man who is just as ridiculously talented, even without the cussing and sex jokes.

So when I heard Saturday morning that he'd died, I was shocked and sad, and most of all, pissed that I'd never get to him utter another perfectly-delivered joke.

When I'm done being sad, though, I'll laugh. Because, of course, that's what Bernie would have wanted.

Here are five things I learned from Bernie Mac.

1. It's OK to want nice stuff. The premise of the award-winning The Bernie Mac Show is that he and his wife take in his sister's three kids (Vanessa, Jordan and Bryana) while she's in rehab. In the first episodes, the kids arrive to the house and he gives them a tour. When he gets to the media room, he says this:
"You are not to touch my stuff without my permission...Don't' touch my TV. Don't touch my DVD. Don't touch my dual-deck VCR. Don't touch the remote that works the TV, DVD, and dual deck VCR. Don't even look at it. When you walk past it, close your eyes. Don't touch my old school, my new school, my slow jams, my party jams, my happy rap, and you betta not touch my James Brown of somebody's gonna get hurt."
Lesson: Electronics and music are expensive and can be sentimental as well. Kids need to learn this from an early age.

2. Don't take your mom for granted.
Bernie Mac's comedy often was brash, largely based on his impatience with, well, everything. But at the end of the day, he was a nice guy with a big heart. When he was interviewed on the Tavis Smiley's show, he told a story about what made him want to do comedy: His mother, who died when he was a high school sophomore, was sick with breast cancer. He was sitting on her lap, and she was crying. Then, Bill Cosby came on TV and his mother was able to laugh. The little Mac told her: "I'm gonna be a comedian, so you'll never cry again."
Lesson: I continue to be grateful my mother is still alive after she suffered a traumatic brain injury in 1995. I try to make her laugh as much as possible.

3. Life is funny. Bernie Mac wrote comedy about real life, often about his colorful family. He reminded me that when the world is going nuts around you, it's not only advisable, but necessary to have a sense of humor about it. And that's truly therapeutic when you have a small family with a high concentration of crazies (mom not included), or a job that can produce its fair share of lunatics.
Lesson: As long as I present the information in the right way, I may not have to wait for my whole family to pass on before writing a book loosely based on them.

4. Cake is dangerous. During my favorite episode of his sitcom, "Now You Got It," Bernie takes every precaution to keep from getting sick when all the kids from Bryana's birthday party are passing around cold germs (which were visable, flourescent green floaties in the show). Relieved that the shindig is finally over, Mac goes to the kitchen and eats a piece of birthday cake -- which, of course, is coated with the germs because a kid had sneezed all over it. Mac is forced to stay home with Bryana instead of going to Las Vegas with his friends.
Lesson: Not only does cake have a lot of calories, it can keep you from winning a lot of money at Blackjack or running into K-Fed at Pure.

5. Tough love is the way to go. I cringe when I see parents let bratty kids call the shots or run loose like wild banshees. (If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: Going to Wal-Mart on a Saturday is the best birth control in the world.) Mac might have been a little tough on the kids in his show, but at least he was invested in what they were doing. And when it mattered (such as when his sister stood up her children for visits), he was a nurturing uncle who tended to the kids' physical and emotional wounds.
Lesson: There's a happy medium between old-school child-rearing and being considered a "cool parent." (Someone remind me of this when I have kids, because I'm kind of a pushover.)

See ya in the funny papers, Uncle Bernie.

The world is a less funny place

Bernie Mac died today. I actually cried about this one. He was one of my all-time favorites.

First George Carlin, now this. Summer 2008 has been a crappy time for comedy fans.

Project Runway turns designers into fashletes!

In perhaps the timeliest challenge ever, Project Runway designers were charged Wednesday night with creating ensembles that could be worn by United States athletes during opening ceremonies of the Olympic games.

To garner inspiration, Tim Gunn took the “fashletes” on a field trip to The Armory Track & Field Center Museum, which contained myriad historical photographs. (We were the only ones that were shocked that Daniel had never, ever seen an opening ceremony in his life? “I’m guessing someone holds a flame and runs around a track field.” Has he ever owned a TV?)

Apolo Ohno, whom Heidi Klum called “one of the most stylish gold medalists ever” told the fashletes about the challenge and served as a guest judge. (And eye candy.) So in honor of this sporting challenge, we present the special medal ceremony recap of Project Runway.

“I’ll Be Ready For Botox by Age 24" medal: No shocker here, it’s Blayne! “Other people go to the gym, I go tanning. ...In tanning, I am an Olympic athlete. It only goes to a bronze medal. ... I’m getting paler and paler and weaker and weaker. By the end of the season, I’m going to be like, frail, white.” And while I’m curious to see the Caucasian version of Blayne, I really don’t need to see any more of his underwhelming designs. I think he’s coasted through this thing so far, don’t you?

“Cry Me a River” medal: Gosh, Joe, I hope you left some Kleenex for the rest of the designers with all that whining. “My workspace is right behind Daniel and Kenley, and they’re constantly laughing and making jokes. You get the sense that there really isn’t any consideration for anyone else.” God forbid anyone actually have fun during a 15-hour work day.
Also, Joe got his token-straight-man-panties in a bunch because Daniel audacity to hop on an empty sewing machine that Joe had been using 10 minutes before. Even though there were tons of other empty stations, Joe complained to everyone around him. “For the last three challenges, I’ve used that machine. He didn’t seem to be that concerned about that.” Then he had the nerve to say “There’s too much drama because there are too many queens around.” Drama? Insert your own pot/kettle joke here.

“I Owe You a Drink” medal: This one is awarded to Runway producers, who barely even showed Suede tonight. He did manage to squeeze out the work “wackadoodle” before I could hit mute, though.

“I’m a Poser” medal: Did you see how much cream was in Stella’s coffee? She’s a fraud! A real toughie would drink it straight up. No sugar, no cream. Period.

“What the Hell is That?” medal: If we could give Jerell two of these medals, we would. First, his monstrosity of an outfit was way too busy. (See below.) Coco Chanel once said that when accessorizing, a person should take off the last thing they put on. Jerell’s model should have taken off the last four or five items – starting with that ridiculous sun hat.
Speaking of hats, did you see Jerell’s at elimination? What the hell is that? I’ll tell you. It was the product of a mating session between a Boy Scout cap and a belly dancing medallion belt. He should have taken off that thing no matter what order in which it was put on.


“Master of Leatha” medal: Surprise! It’s not Stella. Korto takes this prize, as well as the gold medal, with her winning, mostly-white outfit consisting of structured linen pants, and a lightweight leather vest with red and blue trim. (Above) Judges called it modern, Apolo liked the lightweight fabrics and Korto won the challenge and immunity next week.

Disqualified – no medal: Jennifer turns in another lame outfit that isn’t even relevant to the challenge – unless a jewel-neck navy blue cardigan and gold and white striped skirt make you think of track & field greatness. Too bad Daniel wasn’t a judge this time. Based on his Olympic experiences, he probably thought it was a record-breaker.

I Love/Hate New York

Correct me if I’m wrong, but Tiffany “New York” Pollard has probably had more shows than any other civilian-turned-reality-star.

On one hand, I think: Why? This woman has no real skills, very marginal talents and, frankly, can be little bit hard to look at as well. But I have to give her credit: She’s got a train-wreck appeal that’s hard to deny.

Her escalating list of accomplishments includes: Playing sloppy tonsil hockey and allegedly falling in love with Flavor Flav on “Flavor of Love”; taking a loogie to the face from fellow “FOL” contestant Pumkin; getting dumped by Flav – twice; getting breast implants that are literally the size of two human heads; and scoring her own Bachelorette-style dating show.

The latest installation in New York's love-to-hate-it VH1 programming, “New York Goes to Hollywood,” premiered Monday night on the network. In it, VH1 gives the aspiring starlet 30 days in Los Angeles to establish herself as a legitimate actress. (Hey, she might have a chance... she did appear to be head over heels for Flav after about 24 hours in his presence.)

I didn’t want to get sucked in yet again, but the New York vortex was just too damn strong. And based on the first episode, here are a couple of reasons it will be hard to stop watching.

1. Delusions of grandeur.
In the opening scene, New York is shown moping around the house, upset because her phone isn’t ringing off the hook with employment offers. Instead of oh, I don’t know, looking for a job or taking an acting class, she creates a newspaper ad: “Assistant needed for high-profile actress.” She needs an assistant about as much as the world needs Spencer Pratt.

2. Insanity.
When interviewing potential assistants, she handled her rejects with the upmost professionalism and respect. She told one, “Get the fuck off my property you skanky-ass bitch!” And when a religious interviewee told New York she didn’t believe in pre-marital sex, New York spit out her drink and cut the interview short. “Sex is very important to me... Plus, you’re wearing a sailor shirt. Bitch, you know you ain’t own no boat! Sail yo’ass up out of my house!” It makes working for Diddy seem like a dream job.

3. She’s a moron.
When a job candidate told Pollard that she swore too much, Pollard replied: “How can you just ignore the fifth amendment – freedom of speech?”
Next, she and her gigantic bosom went to exercise wearing a push-up bra, capri pants, white platform peep-toe stiletto heels, a full face of makeup and accessories.
Personal trainer: “You look like you’re about to go dancing.”
Pollard: “I just want to drop a few pounds.
Trainer: “You could drop a couple of pounds by just removing your jewelry.”
Later, when she’s running on the treadmill and her lady parts are flailing all over the room, she says, “I should have worn a sports bra.”
Trainer: “You should have worn a Viking shield.”
Shoot, he should have worn a Viking shield, too. He was one step away from a nasty shiner.

4. Her fashion sense never ceases to amaze.
Even pre-surgery, New York has always worn everything about two sizes too small and worn regular bras with things like halter, strapless and backless tops. And not in a cute, “oops, here’s a sliver of my sexy purple bra strap” kind of way. Note to New York: They’re called undergarments for a reason, hon.

Weekend in haiku

Weeding is a chore
from hell. Hamstrings on fire
from four-hour day.

No dent in yard work.
Sunday, more of the same. I
want an apartment.

Archie graduates
from dog school. The star pupil
in his class. Hooray!

Tomorrow, back to
work. Sigh. Ready for vacay.
Only five more weeks.

TV Boyfriends

I admit it: I probably didn’t make the smartest dating choices when I was in my early 20s. I had a thing for bad boys. As long as they were smokin’ hot and didn’t live in their parents’ basement, it didn’t really matter so much if they had high falutin’ goals or a 401K plan. If they had a snowboard and a job, that was just icing on the cake.

Luckily, I have since met and married a fantastic (read: totally put-together) man. But sometimes, when I'm in front of the tube, I slip into my old ways and think, “Huh. There's something about that guy..."

Here are 10 troubled souls that I probably would have dated a decade ago. For a little while, at least.

1. Dexter Morgan, “Dexter.” Here’s the thing. Even if you knew Dexter was homicidal, it would still be a little bit tempting to date him. For one, he’s neurotic about cleanliness and order, so we know he’d make the bed and dump the trash without being asked. Also, he brings coffee and donuts to his girlfriend every morning before work. It's hard to argue with Starbucks delivery.

2. Andy Botwin, “Weeds.” Sure, he’s total layabout and he did some revolting foot porn. But Andy is sexy, he’s laid-back and he likes to cook. All the time. This is especially important to a girl whose culinary specialties include spaghetti, PB&J and scrambled eggs.

3. Hank Moody, “Californication.” As a brilliant writer, Hank Moody would probably be a most excellent Scrabble opponent. And have you seen his record album collection? We love a man who digs vinyl. Those attributes could probably overshadow his serial womanizing, depression, drinking and pot smoking for about a week or so.

4. Jack Abbott, “The Young and the Restless.” Among his many offenses: He secretly changed his father’s will, and after Victor Newman had a seizure, he left him dying on the floor instead of calling 911. Eh, so what? Forgive and forget. We’ve had a crush on Jack since high school, even though his feathered hairdo has barely changed since then. Did I mention he’s highly successful and filthy rich?

5. Don Draper, “Mad Men.” The 1960s me would probably be attracted to this man. Besides being a handsome, sharp-dressed man, he’s creative and has a way with words. (Another good Scrabble opponant!) He's slightly less of a chauvinist than his peers, which would have been very important to me if I were alive during that time. Don seems to be sorting through some of his personal issues, too, which is encouraging.

6. Christian Troy, “Nip/Tuck.” Egomaniac and all-around jackass Dr. Troy has had more random sex than Ron Jeremy and Wilt Chamberlain combined. But I'm a sucker for a confident man with a perfect smile. His vulnerability since moving to L.A. also shows that he is marginally human somewhere underneath all that pomp and circumstance. But the minute he wanted to circle all my problem areas with a Sharpie, it'd be a wrap.

7. Jack Bauer, “24.” Basically a good guy, Jack Bauer has been trained to torture people without remorse. That’s a bit of a problem. Still, I admire him for always putting his loved ones before his job, and for being the hardest worker on this list. I bet he’d never waste away in front of the TV with one hand in his pants and the other on a beer. He has an uncanny knack for predicting the future, too. I smell a winning lottery ticket!

8. Guillermo, “Weeds.” I can overlook the fact that he’s a drug dealer and part-time scumbag with terrible fashion sense, because of his quiet charm, attention to detail and occasional poignant thoughts. If Stacy London wanted to help him out, however, I would not object.

9. James Doakes, “Dexter.” This is a man whose instincts were always on point, even if he was perpetually suspicious and angry, and dropped the f-bomb more than Bernie Mac. (RIP, Doakes.) He would make the perfect father... I'd love to try and see a teenager lie to him and get away with it.

10. Turtle, “Entourage.” I admit it. I have a soft spot for cute stoners. Unlike Andy Botwin, though, Turtle has a job: he drives Vince around and gets him weed. Also, he collects sneakers and loves hip-hop. Swoon. It’s like we were made for each other.

Confident pets

They say animals don't understand English, but I'm not sure I buy it. My pets may not know exactly what I'm saying, but I believe they understand the sentiment. That's why I give them daily affirmations. And also, because I'm alone a lot at night, and a little but crazy.

Here are top ten compliments my pets enjoy hearing. (Or maybe they just always seem happy because I'm the one in charge of the food.)

1. Miles, you are handsome enough to make 9 Lives buck tradition and change Morris to a gray cat.

2. Archie, your breath is so delicious, they should capture the scent and make it into cologne!

3. Lucy, your darling, dotted paws look like shoes, and not cheap, uncomfortable Payless shoes, either. I'd pay at least $75 for them.

4. Draper pets, you could all run this country more efficiently than George W. Bush.

5. Archie, your popcorn-catching skills are to be envied by all canines.

6. Miles, you have the softest ear fur in all the land.

7. Archie, your breath smells divine! I wish Secret made "Archie's Breath" deodorant.

8. Lucy, you are the best daughter a mother could have.

9. Who needs a flesh baby when I already have such lovely children?

10. Archie, that breath! I wish they'd make it a nasal spray so I could smell it all day long.

Ben Gay is my friend

Summary haiku:

No intense work outs
for weeks... until today. Now,
crying self to sleep.

Project Runway: Wearing New York City

Three episodes into "Project Runway," it's safe to say that this season has the highest concentration of annoying designers and head accessories.

Emily loves to tie really long headbands around her head over the top her hair. (Hey Emily, the Solid Gold dancers called; they want their costumes back.) Keith, meanwhile, ties a thick bandanna around his dome -- he's like the white, gay, Mormon version of Tupac. On the bright side, though, Kenley's fun accessories (all manner of clip-in flowers, feathers and jewels) are working for her.

And as it turns out, the trio's taste in head adornments translated into the kinds of outfits they'd make later on.

The designers' challenge was to create a look for a night on the town, based on different parts of Manhattan at night. To find their inspiration, they slipped on their ponchos and galoshes for a wet and rainy ride atop a double decker bus. They got off in various areas of town, took tons of photos and then chose one to be the driving force behind their garments.

After they picked up their supplies, they were back in the sewing room to create and to unleash their inner morons.

I keep thinking Suede's third-person talking will stop bothering me so much and eventually morph into the jumbled voices of the Peanuts parents. No such luck. "Suede is here to rock it! Suede's decided on working with a shirt dress silhouette. Suede's giving little flecks of color which goes back to my inspirational photo." Suede should put his lips under the sewing machine needle and press the foot pedal.

As a Washington native, I really wanted to root for Blayne, but that ship sailed after the first episode. He's just to much of a tool. Last night, he wondered "Is there any tanning salons down here?," he made weirdo psycho faces at Kenley before threatening to eat her, and told Tim Gunn, "Holla at cha boy."

With a totally serious look on his face, Gunn replied, "Holler at your boy? What does that mean? I don't get it." Oh, bless you, Tim Gunn.

In comparison to these asshats, Stella's broken-record talk of "leatha" and rock and roll didn't bother me as much this week. But she did win the award for noisiest project when she used a mallet to repeatedly pound grommets into her fabric.

On the runway, the Headwear Trio were among the six with the highest and lowest scores.

Keith turned in a shapeless frock made of floppy fabric squares. "When she walked by, it literally looked like toilet paper caught in a windstorm," Michael Kors said.

Emily's monstrosity looked like the model's breasts barfed up a mess of sunset-colored ruffles. And Jennifer's dress, based on a clock, was so boring I don't even want to describe it.

Meanwhile, Terri's graffiti-inspired, backless dress, worn over flared pants was a hit, as was Leanne's chic skirt and top ensemble, which she based on a tree planter grate.

In the end, though, Kenley's creation, which Kors deemed an "80s Joan Collins power bitch dress," took the top prize. I thought it looked like the model had a giant boil growing out of her hip, but what do I know?

Emily got the boot. Auf Wiedersehen, Em! Tell Marilyn McCoo we said hello.

Must See TV Products

I probably love TV as much as, er, more than the next person. But even I was surprised at the funny-bordering-on-bizarre merchandise I discovered when I started poking around online.

Our inspiration for the treasure hunt began with this fleece blanket from "General Hospital," which features a map of Port Charles. "My God," I thought. "This is going to come in so handy! Now I can figure out exactly where Jax landed after he parachuted out of that airplane to try and get to his meeting on time!"

Next, we found a "Desperate Housewives"-inspired apron, which is made of bridal lace and crepe satin and allows the wearer to "serve with grace." (Although for the steep $120 price tag, you kind of wish it would prepare the appetizers and sangrias for you as well.)

Anyway, the point is, this search just kept getting better and better. Here are my top 10 favorite things.

1. "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" women's tool set
Women rejoice! We are finally free to mount a wall shelf or replace a light switch cover, thanks to the ABC tear-jerker and its pink tool kit, which features "all of the necessary tools that any woman would need to help her around the house." Because everybody knows that women have no business using the big, scary tools with black handles from The Home Depot.

2. "Flavor of Love" clock
Flavor Flav has long been a fashion icon, what with his Viking hat, his chic gold fronts and massive collection of wall clocks on a chain. Just when you think you could never achieve his classic, elegant look, your prayers have been answered. Next stop: Vogue!

3. "Prison Break" stationary
Nothing is more intimidating than a note scrawled on Fox River State Penitentiary paper. It's great for subtle threats at work ("Priscilla: Please file the TPS reports immediately or there's just no telling what might happen.") or at home ("John: "The last person who forgot to put the toilet seat down may or may not have lived to tell about it.")

4. "Battlestar Galactica" toaster
Is there anything better than an early morning egg, bacon and cheese sandwich? Glad you asked. How about that delicious breakfast sandwich served on two pieces of Cylon toast?

5. "Dexter" bobblehead
If you work in an office, you might spend parts of your day wishing people would get the heck out of your cubicle. This ought to do it. It's one thing to like the Showtime series, but it's another to have a bloody, knife-wielding, demented-looking Bobblehead as a desk decoration.

6. "The Biggest Loser" socks
After years of battling myself to go to the gym at 6 a.m., I finally found the inspirational tool that will get me out of bed to exercise. This $8 pair of footies with "The Biggest Loser" logo. Jillian's hardcore verbal abuse is sold separately.

7."Grey'sAnatomy" surgeon cap
Serious doctors must be beating a path to buy this capworn by fake doctors on TV. The domepiece features show's logo and promises "the signature quality of the Grey's surgeons." Because having the quality of, say, the Mayo Clinic would be so second-rate.

8. "The Simpsons" bikini
You'll be the envy of Springfield, U.S.A. in this Duff Beer swimsuit which says "Just Can't Get Enough!" on the back side of the bikini bottoms. And the best news? A two-piece suit leaves plenty of room for your impending beer gut. Woo-hoo!

9. "Ugly Betty" poncho
Take Martha Stewart's prison poncho, drag it through a box of Crayolas and a hit TV show, and what have you got? A somewhat expensive gag gift. I mean, we love Betty and all, but the her 'ugly' moniker is not some strange coincidence, like Gary Busey's appearance on Celebrity Rehab.

10. "The Ghost Whisperer" engraved iPod
Seriously? People really love this show enough to want a $329 engraved iPod featuring Melinda Gordon? We must be totally out of touch.

Drinking and yard work don't mix

I should be out mowing my lawn right now. Instead, I'm watching "Legally Blonde 2" and cruising the internet.

I just came across a story about this Wisconsin guy, who shot his lawnmower with a short-barreled shotgun because it wouldn't start. He was drunk.

Shooting things always makes them work way better, I think. If I were him, I would have been super happy to have an excuse to avoid the yard work, but to each their own.

Breakfast haiku

Out of cereal,
fruit. Cheese pizza and coffee
it is. And some Tums.

Me So Hungry

If someone told me in 1990 that 2 Live Crew's Luther Campbell would eventually have a show on mainstream television, I would have soiled my MC Hammer pants.

I can picture myself standing there, shaking my head back and forth while my enormous, ratted AquaNet-saturated bangs remain motionless. "No way! The guy who's essentially responsible for parental advisory stickers? The guy with songs called 'We Want Some Pussy' and 'The Fuck Shop'? Never. Gonna. Happen."

Fast forward 18 years, and here we are: Luke's Parental Advisory is slated to appear later this year on VH1. At this point, I shouldn't be surprised. Snoop Dogg, Flavor Flav and DMX have all had TV shows, and their notorious activities make Luke's obscenities seem as harmless as vanilla frosted cupcakes. With sprinkles.

Yes, the sky has been falling for a long time -- and I, for one, could not be more delighted! Here are some other erstwhile rappers/shows I'd set my DVR for.

Sir Mix-a-Lot in Baby Got Back
Mix recently told a small Washington newspaper that he likes to summon women up on stage when he performs his signature anthem, but "it's a little hard when I don't have butts to look at and reference to when I'm doing it." Sacrilege! He clearly needs a reality contest to find him a trunk full of junk that's worth taking on tour. Kim Kardashian can help judge.

Vanilla Ice in Breakin' to the Extreme
If there's one thing we learned from his appearances on The Surreal Life or MTV's 25 Lame, it's that Rob Van Winkle LOVES to destroy things (including, but not limited to, his "career"). So why not exploit his anger management issues for entertainment value? We'd like to see him in an interactive show where he annihilates items chosen by viewers, like a Ford Pinto or a storage ottoman or Amy Winehouse's hair helmet.

The Ying Yang Twins in Celebrity Circus: The Freakshow Edition
Step right up, folks! Feast your eyes on men who have more things living in their creepy facial hair than a polygamist ranch! Also this season on Celebrity Circus: George Hamilton (The World's Tallest Oompa Loompa!); Tori Spelling (The Incredible Horse-Faced Woman!); and Pete Doherty (A Real-Life Chemistry Experiment!)

Lil Jon in Size Does Matter
Lil Jon should host this program, where aging rappers whose monikers begin with Lil (Kim, Cease, Jon, Romeo, Bow Wow, Scrappy, Wayne, etc.) compete in Survivor-style challenges. Top prizes include a new pimp cup and a name-changing seminar with P. Diddy and Prince.

MC Hammer in So You Think YOU Can Dance?
Sure, he's become a bit of a punchline (how do you go from having 30 million dollars to filing for bankruptcy?), but one thing can't be denied: MC Hammer smoked mofos on the dance floor. He should consider coaching a Biggest Loser-style fitness show. I was a freakin' twig when the running man was popular, plus watching people do the Roger Rabbit is funny.

Young MC in One Hit Wonder
Cameras follow Young MC while he tracks what's become of his infamous tune,"Bust A Move." He finds the song in various karaoke bars around the country being butchered by frat boys wearing flipped-up collars and strategically ripped jeans. This horrifying experience drive Young MC to alcohol, priming him for an appearance on A&E's Intervention.

Cowboy Troy in No Shame in My Game
The self-proclaimed "hick-hop" artist has somehow fashioned a career from making crappy music that is reviled by hip-hop and country fans alike. No Shame features the music mangler as a consultant that advises businessmen about how to market things that only one percent of people want, such as really small wine glasses, stirrup pants and a one-piece bandanna and wig set.

Dead woman walking

Last weekend, Kyle and I went to a huge outdoor concert that lasted almost 12 hours. Back in the day, I'd be all over this kind of thing, drinking beer and inhaling things that may or may not be legal with plenty of energy to spare.

I haven't been to a show like that in about six or seven years. And I think the last one might have been **shudder** the Dave Matthews Band -- a band for people who hate good music.

Anyway, I don't think I can hack that shit ever again, so I'm really glad I just bought a cute Tribe Called Quest shirt as a souvenir. I should probably get it framed in a shadow box with a plaque that says July 19, 2008: The day Maisy bid adieu to her youth.

HERE'S HOW I REALIZED AGE HAD TAKEN ITS TOLL:

1. When given the option of being at the stagefront in "the pit," I didn't even consider it for one second. I looked at Kyle and said, "I want real seats!"

2. I used to see underage girls wearing coochie-cutter shorts, a bikini top and and platform stiletto heels at an outdoor amphitheater and think, "What a dumb fucking skank." Now, I think "That dumb fucking skank is gonna ruin her feet walking around here in those shoes all day."

3. I was at the peak of my enjoyment/energy around 5 p.m. By the time the biggest acts hit the stage, my hip and my hop had been tragically seperated.

4. When performers wanted me to pump my fist in the air or clap my hands, I immediately thought of Steve Harvey's bit from "The Original Kings of Comedy." He said: "You know what I don't like about a rap show? ... There's too many damn instructions. 'Pump it up, pump it up! Everybody side step! Put your hands in the air and wave 'em like you just don't care! Everybody say hoooo! Pump it up, pump it up! Everybody scream!' Motherfucker, for what? I paid $38.50 to be here. You scream."

5. This is, by far, the most embarrassing one: I couldn't WAIT for an act to end so I could just sit down and rest again.

My body has since recovered, but I can't say the same about my pride.

Happy trails

I'm heading out tomorrow morning to go to this: www.guerillaunion.com/rockthebells/!



It's near Chicago and we have pretty awesome seats.



I'm stoked!



Have a nice weekend.

The hunchback of Louisville

Summary haiku:
Big purses hold a
lot of stuff. That stuff weighs tons.
My shoulders are mad.


I've read tons of stories about how women injure themselves by carrying giant bags and thought, "Huh. That makes sense." Still, I carry them.

But for the past week, my upper back and neck feel like they've been stomped on by a herd of buffalo, then tied in a thousand knots immediately after the trampling. When I try to put my shoulders back in order to achieve good posture, it's feels like I'm pouring gasoline on my neck and setting myself aflame.

Here are the things that I carry in my purse pretty much every day:

1. Keys

2. A giant wallet, which ironically, never contains cash. Just ID; credit cards; frequent buyer cards for Borders, PetsMart, Qdoba, etc.

3. Cell phone

4. MP3 player

5. Camera (I often take pics of things I might need for my shopping job, so I don't forget what they look like.)

6. About 20 pens

7. Band-Aids (In case my shoes maim my feet during the day.)

8. Aspirin

9. Hairbrush

10. About 5 colors of lipgloss/lipstick, as well as a tin of Smith's Rosebud Salve.

11. A book of carbon receipts I use when I borrow stuff from stores to put in the paper.

12. Is this getting ridiculous yet?

13. Reporter notebook

14. A bunch of other stuff rolling around in the bottom.


Here are the things I actually need in my purse at all times:

1. Keys

2. Small wallet

3. Phone

4. One pen



On top of this, I'm always carrying around a bunch of crap in and out of stores, to and from photo shoots. I need a massage. Now. Right now!

And I'm switching over to a smaller purse tomorrow. Maybe even something drastic, like a clutch! But so help me, if I end up needing a Hello Kitty Band-Aid and it's not on my person, I'm gonna be pissed.

Walking the tightrope of boredom

Want to know what happens when there are only three competitors left on "Celebrity Circus"? They bring back former contestant Blu Cantrell to sing her seven-year old single "Hit 'Em Up Style."

And it sounds like she hasn't practiced singing it since about 2005 ... she sounds awful. I used to kinda of like that song back in the day, but she's ruining it for me.

Then -- because producers have an hour-long show to fill -- we have to watch a bunch of random, professional acrobats perform circus stunts. Newsflash: If I wanted to see this shit, I'd go to a circus.

The reason I watch "Celebrity Circus" to see D-list celebs possibly maim themselves for the sake of reminding people they exist.

(This seems like a perfect place to include a funny quote from my friend, Joshua Hammann. "How can they even judge Celebrity Circus? If they don't fucking kill themselves, they should get a 10.")

The finalists are Wee Man, Stacey Dash and Antonio Banderas. I've gotta be honest: I'm not sure that I care enough to watch 20 more minutes of this crapola, kids.

I'm going to bed.

Kiss, kiss!

Project Runway premieres!

SPOILERS!

Yay! Summer TV has been vindicated with the premiere of "Project Runway." And the contestants seem to be more experienced than ever. (Olivia, if you're reading this, I was thinking of you while I watched!)

They introduced everyone and most seem to have real credentials ... meaning, they have worked for major designers or already have an established line and/or store.

Here's my homie, Blayne, from Washington. "I have a ridiculous obsession with tanning," he says. No kidding! He looks like a total Oompa Loompa and, at only 23, he has deep, awful wrinkles crow's feet already. Beef jerky! If they ever have a challenge to make a fantastic leather bag, he can save himself some time and have the model wear his face down the runway.

Also, his catch phrase seems to be adding "licious" on to the end of words. (Girlicious, etc.) Ugh. Sorry Washington, I think he's going to be a douche. But I hope I'm wrong.

There's a guy named Suede, who has blue mohawk and a vertical stripe as a soul patch. He's wearing capri jeans, a leather vest over a black tee and black, high top tennies. He also has tons of black rubber bangles up his arm, like I used to wear in high school.

Their first challenge is to make a garment out of things they find in the grocery store, which was the first challenge on season 1.

(Jerell's Tim Gunn impression is terrible, by the way.)

Jerry is bragging about how innovative he was and how everyone else sucked. Yet he's one of, like, six people who are using tablecloths/shower curtains as their main fabrics. Way to go, Smart Guy.

Man, his outfit is ugly as fuck, too. The ill-fitting, baggy coat is made from a white shower curtain, and he's got the model wearing dish gloves. It looks like the get-up Dexter wears when he's killing someone. (Michael Kors says, "The dress underneath looks like a HandiWipe gone wrong." Heidi Klum: "It's a bit hospital-plumber.")

Some of the outfits are pretty damn cool, though, I have to say. That's why I love this show!

Daniel made a sexpot cocktail dress out of blue plastic kegger cups.

Korto made a yellow kimono style dress out of a tablecloth, but then decorated the neckline beautifully with cut cherry tomatoes and kale.

And Kelli made an awesome dress out of vacuum cleaner bags that she dyed herself with coffee and ink; the bra cups were singed coffee filters; the waistband was decorated in gold thumb tacks that looked like metal studs. She closed the whole thing in back with hook and eyelet closures she made out of a spiral notebook.

Kelli wins, and totally deserves it!

Jerry's out. Hasn't he watched other reality shows? The second you start bragging about being the shit, it's the kiss of death.

On his exit interview, Jerry says: "I am a true designer. I make beautiful clothes."

Yeah, if your client is Norman Bates.