The middle finger makes me smile.

Summary haiku:
If I wanted a
scratched car, bitch, I would have bought
a damn jalopy.



It happens all the time and I've even bitched about it before. But some days, when people leave carts strewn about the parking lot, it just gets on my last nerve.

After a long and extremely annoying day at work, I had to stop at Target and return a fan that I spent 35 minutes trying to unsuccesfully assemble. It was hot and I was dressed up in heels, so lugging this giant box sucked.

Twenty minutes later, I came out of Target (with a new, improved giant box) only to watch this stupid, lazy whore empty her shopping cart, then push the cart up between all the cars... and it ended up resting against my bumper.

Of course, the fucking cart corral was right behind her. Not ten cars away, or even two. She would have had to walk directly across the aisle to slip it in. In fact, unless she had really bad aim, she actually could have shoved it from her trunk and returned the cart to the proper area without even taking any extra steps.

Why do people do this?

I don't know... it was just the last straw of my day. I slammed down my fan box next to my car and I was like, "Are you kidding me right now? Are you REALLY going to leave that cart up against my car? The corral is right there!," pointing about four feet away from her gigantic SUV.

Holding her iced Starbucks in one hand, she glared at me like I'd just eaten a kitten's face off. I took her cart and moseyed it over to the corral real slow -- which, since it was behind her, prevented her from pulling out of her space for a few minutes.

I walked be her window and smiled real big. She flipped me off.

And I think it was the first time I ever felt pretty good after being given the bird.

Must See TV Products

I probably love TV as much as, er, more than the next person. But even I was surprised at the funny-bordering-on-bizarre merchandise I discovered when I started poking around online.

Our inspiration for the treasure hunt began with this fleece blanket from "General Hospital," which features a map of Port Charles. "My God," I thought. "This is going to come in so handy! Now I can figure out exactly where Jax landed after he parachuted out of that airplane to try and get to his meeting on time!"

Next, we found a "Desperate Housewives"-inspired apron, which is made of bridal lace and crepe satin and allows the wearer to "serve with grace." (Although for the steep $120 price tag, you kind of wish it would prepare the appetizers and sangrias for you as well.)

Anyway, the point is, this search just kept getting better and better. Here are my top 10 favorite things.

1. "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" women's tool set
Women rejoice! We are finally free to mount a wall shelf or replace a light switch cover, thanks to the ABC tear-jerker and its pink tool kit, which features "all of the necessary tools that any woman would need to help her around the house." Because everybody knows that women have no business using the big, scary tools with black handles from The Home Depot.

2. "Flavor of Love" clock
Flavor Flav has long been a fashion icon, what with his Viking hat, his chic gold fronts and massive collection of wall clocks on a chain. Just when you think you could never achieve his classic, elegant look, your prayers have been answered. Next stop: Vogue!

3. "Prison Break" stationary
Nothing is more intimidating than a note scrawled on Fox River State Penitentiary paper. It's great for subtle threats at work ("Priscilla: Please file the TPS reports immediately or there's just no telling what might happen.") or at home ("John: "The last person who forgot to put the toilet seat down may or may not have lived to tell about it.")

4. "Battlestar Galactica" toaster
Is there anything better than an early morning egg, bacon and cheese sandwich? Glad you asked. How about that delicious breakfast sandwich served on two pieces of Cylon toast?

5. "Dexter" bobblehead
If you work in an office, you might spend parts of your day wishing people would get the heck out of your cubicle. This ought to do it. It's one thing to like the Showtime series, but it's another to have a bloody, knife-wielding, demented-looking Bobblehead as a desk decoration.

6. "The Biggest Loser" socks
After years of battling myself to go to the gym at 6 a.m., I finally found the inspirational tool that will get me out of bed to exercise. This $8 pair of footies with "The Biggest Loser" logo. Jillian's hardcore verbal abuse is sold separately.

7."Grey'sAnatomy" surgeon cap
Serious doctors must be beating a path to buy this capworn by fake doctors on TV. The domepiece features show's logo and promises "the signature quality of the Grey's surgeons." Because having the quality of, say, the Mayo Clinic would be so second-rate.

8. "The Simpsons" bikini
You'll be the envy of Springfield, U.S.A. in this Duff Beer swimsuit which says "Just Can't Get Enough!" on the back side of the bikini bottoms. And the best news? A two-piece suit leaves plenty of room for your impending beer gut. Woo-hoo!

9. "Ugly Betty" poncho
Take Martha Stewart's prison poncho, drag it through a box of Crayolas and a hit TV show, and what have you got? A somewhat expensive gag gift. I mean, we love Betty and all, but the her 'ugly' moniker is not some strange coincidence, like Gary Busey's appearance on Celebrity Rehab.

10. "The Ghost Whisperer" engraved iPod
Seriously? People really love this show enough to want a $329 engraved iPod featuring Melinda Gordon? We must be totally out of touch.

Comatose

People think shopping for work is all glitz and glamour. It is fun, and I enjoy what I do. But after you've spent two solid days schlepping stuff around in 93+ degree heat, you just feel like a nasty, sweaty, beat-up puddle of sloth. I've been to at least 35 stores -- probably more -- in two days.

To top it all off, I went to do an interview and help with a photo shoot tonight (both of which went really, really well, thank you for asking), but it sucked up the last bits of my energy and personality.

Arriving home at 8 p.m., there was no chance of a normal dinner happening. I had four pieces of pepperjack cheese on wheat crackers and a raw turkey dog, straight from the fridge.

That's officially the worst meal in the world, for the record, and if you're vomiting at the thought of it, I'm sorry. But washing the blueberries and steaming asparagus (my original plan for dinner) seemed like too much of a chore.

Only five situations exist that would make me more exhausted than I am right now.

1. Being Jack Bauer on the season finale of "24" (any season).

2. Being a surgical resident working in the ER.

3. Being Lucy and Archie after 9 hours at doggy day care.

4. If I had just finished playing in the SuperBowl.

5. Trying to find a swimsuit that doesn't make me want to kill myself (which I did last week and weekend, and trust me, it's exhausting).

Off to bed and it's still light outside. Oh my God, I'm OLD. If I start eating dinner at Denny's at 4 p.m., someone please kill me.

Thanks, DHL, for your prompt delivery

There are four things that happen with my cell phone, the most infrequent of which is that it actually works properly.

1. Missed calls, voice mail and text messages sometimes don't register for a couple of days.

2. No matter when I program it to do, it either rings on the loudest setting possible or does not ring at all.

3. About one out of every four calls end suddenly with a loud buzzing sound, then the phone turns itself off.

4. Most phone calls sound like they are being conducted under water.

These issues have gotten a million times worse in the last week, so I ordered a new phone from AT&T.



It was shipped on Friday and they promise to send it on a two (business) day delivery through DHL.

I've been tracking my order online and my shipment arrived in Louisville at 6:48 a.m., so I was expecting that my new phone would be delivered today. But it wasn't. Now, it's not like one more day of this crappy phone is going to ruin my life, but I'm just saying... the package is already in the city. Would it really kill them to just bring it by? I saw the DHL truck in my 'hood while I was walking the dogs.

Yes, I'm impatient. Yes, I should have just gone to the phone store and bought it in person. But whatever. Hindsight, 20/20, all that.

On another note, I love, love, love Peter MacNichol. He's the president's chief aide on season 6 of "24," which I've been watching on DVD for the past week. I've seen him on tons of shows and he's such a good, versatile actor.



Although no matter how hard I try, I can't get the image of him whistling through his nose on "Ally McBeal" out of my head.

Bargains make me quiver with joy

Summary haiku:
Saving money when
your tax refund just arrived
doubles the delight.



So, the house. Still working on it. We've gotten the Things We Couldn't Live Without (lamps, shower curtains, wooden blinds in a couple of rooms, etc.), and we're now working the list of Things That Would Make Life More Convenient. Which brings me to one of the most joyous shopping trips I've had in a while.

I went into Target looking for wall shelves where I could display a couple of plants and a totally cute Vietnamese art sculpture I got at Pier 1. (The latter was on my list of Things I Don't Fucking Need, But They're Really Cute So I'm Buying Them.)

I saw several shelves, but they weren't quite what I wanted. Then I came to the endcap, and lo and behold, the perfect shelves were on clearance for $4.98 each -- marked down from $24.98! I bought all the ones they had left (5), because I like to keep the surfaces in my house uncluttered and I have tons of unused wall space in various rooms.

Money saved: $100.

Then I was just cruising around, as one tends to do at Target, when I came to the bathroom aisle. We don't have any towel racks in our bathrooms, so we've just been slinging towels over the shower curtain rod to dry. Which hides how cute the shower curtains are. And Target had these really beautiful brushed nickel double towel bars on sale for $12.98, also marked down from $24.98. I got one for each bathroom.

Money saved: $24.

Next up: A giant mirror to hang on one of our ginormous dining room walls. I had been eyeballing it on my last couple of Target jaunts. It's lovely, with a carved frame that's a muted, distressed gold color. $19.98, marked down from $90. Are you kidding me? Is today fucking Christmas?

Money saved: $70.

Can you believe there's more? The last thing is from the Things I Don't Fucking Need, But They're Really Cute So I'm Buying Them category. I got a fabulous, huge wall hanging for the bedroom. It's electric green silk with an olive green tree painted on it. It's simple and beautiful, but most important, it makes me feel really happy when I look at it. $14.99, marked down from $29.99.

Money saved: $15.

For those of you who can't do math -- which includes me, I had to use a calculator to do this -- I got $285 worth of items for $85. Which left me plenty of dough to pick up a green patent clutch and some canary yellow tights to wear under a couple of my spring dresses.

I am bursting with happiness. I'm off to hang one of my shelves!

A place to call home

Summary haiku:
Is it possible
to find the perfect house on
the first weekend? (Shrug)



The hubby and I have resigned ourselves to the fact that we're going to be in Louisville for a while. (Don't get me wrong -- we like it here. But we hoped we'd be moving back to the West Coast after putting in a few years in the Ville. I just feel a desperate need to be near oceans and mountains. I don't enjoy the middle.)

So, anyway, we're buying a house. We took our first jaunt with our buying agent today and saw 4 different places. It's our first time buying a home, so I was really surprised at how things went down. We'd looked at them all online, and were pleasantly (and not so pleasantly) surprised.

In person, we really liked one that we only felt so-so about prior to our visit. It was really open and clean, had tons of space and updated in every way. Brand new windows, awesome kitchen and bathrooms, large 2 1/2 car garage and a fantastic back yard. Even a basketball hoop for Kyle. It was the very first one we looked at and we were both like, "I could totally see us living here."

And then the house we thought we'd love, we didn't. The inside was really awesome and current and cute. But the yard was jacked up and small, and the house smelled musty. (And a bit like cats and baby diapers -- yum!) I could smell it on myself for a long time after leaving and it was gross.

Even worse, while we were there, Kyle saw somebody he knows from his job who lives in the 'hood. She told us all these great things about it -- it's quiet and clean, she'd lived there for years and loves it. But then she slipped in that within the past year, a woman had been beaten and raped on that very street at 6:30 a.m.

Now, that could happen in any neighborhood, I suppose, but it just turned both of us off. I actually felt like I was going to throw up on the spot.

So, the search continues. But we found one today that will definitely be in the running, and that's a pretty cool feeling.

Hooray!

My closet runneth over

Summary haiku:
Accessories have
the power to raise me from
coma. Hellz to the yeah.



I was super tired earlier -- too tired to write -- but I just got this spurt of energy, to which I credit two recent purchases.

I just got two really awesome things. Things that have improved my life times one million.


These boots were only $36, and I love, love, love them! They're from a great local store, General Eccentric. They're man-made leather, but seriously... why pay $200 for leather pewter boots that are more novelty than everyday shoe? And in person, they look really expensive. Our fashion director at work thought they came from some chi-chi boutique. Score! Can't you see Prince romping around stage in these?



My other purchase was this gorgeous Michael Kors mega-bag, which I won last week on eBay. It retails for around $370, and I got it for less than $100. Brand new, still had tags on it and it smells delightfully of fresh leather.
I sold a bunch of stuff on eBay (a pair of shoes, a Puma jacket, a Wilson's Leather organizer/briefcase) in order to buy it, and it was so worth it! I got rid of stuff I probably would have just given to Goodwill, and got a gorgeous bag in return. Every time I look at it, my heart skips a beat. It goes with everything and it's so well made.

Oh happy day!

Crystal necklaces and color block dresses make a girl tired

I'm a born shopper. Probably picked it up from my mom, who A) loves shopping and B) has a great sense of style. (Still, at 61, she's one of the best-dressed people I know.)


My mom, looking totally cute. Me, not a good fashion day. 2005.

So it probably seems like fantastic news that I'm now getting paid to shop for work. The fruits of my labors will run weekly in our revamped Scene section, and four times a year in a new glossy magazine we're putting out.

Still, it's tiring as hell! I've been running up and down Bardstown Road and around St. Matthews boutiques since Monday. (We all cover various areas of town...) I've been lugging clothes and shoes and brass lamps and Pokerchip Girl necklaces and ironing boards (don't ask) to and from stores, to my car, to the photo studio and back again. Between that and some scheduled interviews and tons of deadlines, my past five days have been a whirlwind.

Anyhoo, I think it's only proper to share some of the fun things I've stumbled across while out and about. Stuff that may not end up in stories right away, but it's out there and you should know about it.

Highlights from this week:

1. The new, revamped INC department at Macy's. It's huge, and they now appear to carry the whole INC line.

2. Dot Fox has these great items by Pokerchip Girl. The designer makes necklaces, money clips, belt buckles, etc., out of vintage poker chips from the turn of the (20th) century and jazzes them up with a few well-placed Swarovski crystals. They're really fun.

3. General Eccentric just got in a ton of really cute stuff for fall. I can't fit into any of the ridiculously tiny clothes there, of course, but their accessories are funky and inexpensive. They also have a new Louisville location at 2400 Lime Kiln Lane.

4. For that matter, the Cherry Bomb people opened a new store as well. I don't have the address handy, but it's directly across the street from Dot Fox.

5. Red Tree has a lot of really cool, classy home stuff, but they also have these hilarious penny banks for $10. They're shaped like a Band Aid tin and have prudish, 50s-type pictures on them, but say things like, "I'm saving for valium" or "I'm saving for some good weed" or "I'm saving for a new pair of jeans." They'd make a good secret Santa gift.

6. Regalo has some fun tote bags for $12 or $16, I can't remember. Either side of the bag's exterior is an old-school (upside down) cassette tape. The handles are brown, and come out of the top of the bagso its looks like the tape is being yanked out. You have the see them in person, but they were cute and cheap. I might have to get one for my upcoming Philly trip.

7. Moving on to the area of things I can't afford, but really would love to have, I saw this dynamite necklace by a local artist at Clodhoppers. It big and chunky with multiple and different green strands (African glass beads, jade and something else I can't remember). It was $300 bucks, but man, it was beautiful.

8. At the Three Dog Bakery, they sell suede collars ($80) and leashes ($70) that are embedded with giant Swarovski crystals. I actually wouldn't like to have this. The collars actually have a tag on them that say (I'm paraphrasing here), These are not to be used for going for walks or rough-housing. Your pet should sit quietly in the corner at your New Year's party while wearing this work of art.

So, it's an $80 collar and my dog can't even wear it unless she's been tranquilized? I think I'll pass. We're happy with our $8 Feeders Supply collars. See?




Lucy, smiling.


Archie, intense, as usual.

In closing, I will be visiting tons of stores around town every week, so if you're looking for something specific, let me know. I'll keep my eyes peeled.