Confident pets

They say animals don't understand English, but I'm not sure I buy it. My pets may not know exactly what I'm saying, but I believe they understand the sentiment. That's why I give them daily affirmations. And also, because I'm alone a lot at night, and a little but crazy.

Here are top ten compliments my pets enjoy hearing. (Or maybe they just always seem happy because I'm the one in charge of the food.)

1. Miles, you are handsome enough to make 9 Lives buck tradition and change Morris to a gray cat.

2. Archie, your breath is so delicious, they should capture the scent and make it into cologne!

3. Lucy, your darling, dotted paws look like shoes, and not cheap, uncomfortable Payless shoes, either. I'd pay at least $75 for them.

4. Draper pets, you could all run this country more efficiently than George W. Bush.

5. Archie, your popcorn-catching skills are to be envied by all canines.

6. Miles, you have the softest ear fur in all the land.

7. Archie, your breath smells divine! I wish Secret made "Archie's Breath" deodorant.

8. Lucy, you are the best daughter a mother could have.

9. Who needs a flesh baby when I already have such lovely children?

10. Archie, that breath! I wish they'd make it a nasal spray so I could smell it all day long.