Project Runway produces outfits, Halloween costume

Not a full minute into “Project Runway” and Blayne is already annoying. “Team Dramaliiiiicious,” he says, walking out of the apartment door. I haven’t readied the proper snacks and libations to deal with this foolishness so early in the show. Speaking of minutes:

9:02 p.m. The designers go to meet Heidi Klum so they can learn about their next challenge. She tells them they’ll be designing an outfit for “a high-powered and glamorous professional woman.”
Blayne: “I just don’t want it to be Hillary Clinton because I would never win if I made a neon pantsuit.” Correction: You’ll never win with a neon pantsuit no matter who it’s for.
They go to the work room to meet the high-powered business woman, but first they take guesses at who it might be: Heidi Klum? Nancy Grace? Joan Rivers?
9:03: Stella: “I would like to design for Sharon Osbourne, Queen of Rock. She’s a businesswoman.”
Nope, it’s Brooke Shields.Suede busts out some trivia: “I, of course, love Brooke because she was a Calvin Klein model. ‘Nothing comes between me and my Calvins!’”(Isn’t it tragic, though, that nobody will come between Suede and his fauxhawk?)

9:04: Brooke tells designers they are to create a look for her character, Wendy, on Lipstick Jungle. Wendy is a studio executive/musician’s wife, who needs an outfit that can “carry her from day to night.” And, they’ll be working in teams!

9:10: The prize for this challenge: Shields’ character will wear the winning outfit in an episode of Lipstick Jungle. “Everyone wants that,” Terri says. Sure, if you say so.
After seeing all 12 sketches, Brooke chooses Keith, Korto, Jerell, Terri, Kelli and Blayne to make the outfits.

9:16: Jerell asks: “Who doesn’t want their outfit worn on national TV?” Jerell, FYI, that’s what you’re doing on Project Runway right now.

9:19: Suede, who is partners with Terri, is whining in a nasally voice. He’s “really uncomfortable” cutting the fabric for their draped shirt.
Terri doesn’t have time for it: “I don’t know what he’s packing – balls or va-jay-jay – be he needs to work that out. ... Please, man up.”

9:22: Daniel is Kelli’s partner and the skirt he made looks like it’s rumbled with a Weed Wacker. “Daniel made this skirt – half ruched, half not. The zipper’s all schwabbly. It’s a mess. It’s destroyed.” She tells him to make a different one.

9:23: Terri to Suede: “This whole back is jacked up Everything Suede seems to be touching is not gold.” Oh God! Suede’s third-person-speak is rubbing off on her: “If it’s between Terri going home and Suede going home, it’s peace out.”

9:28: Back from commercial break, Tim Gunn is making his rounds. Blayne to Tim: “Holla at your boy!” Holla at my fist, Blayne.

9:42: Runway time! Here come the outfits, which are, for the most part, underwhelming.

9:45: OMG! Jerell is wearing a pink and white flowered nightgown with an asymmetrical hem, over a pair of pants and underneath a grody vest. What the hell is that?

9:47: Kelli and Daniel have combined black and leopard print fabrics with turquoise lace to create a trampy bustier. It’s paired with a black pencil skirt and leopard-trimmed jacket and turquoise belt.
The judges love it!
Brooke: “It looks so much cheaper than I thought it could look.”
Nina: “You can’t get taste if you don’t have it.”
Michael: “Slutty, slutty, slutty.”
Truly, it’s awful.

9:49: Blayne and Leanne turn in a snoozefest of out outfit that’s centered around a pair of ugly Bermuda shorts. Heidi summed up how all of us were feeling: “She looked like a woman that didn’t have a mirror. It was really dark and she just grabbed things and put them on.”

9:56: Keith and Kenley are deemed the winners with their scalloped fringe skirt and convertible floral top. Their outfit will appear on season 2 Lipstick Jungle. I know you’re setting your DVR right now.

9:57: Kelli and Blayne are in the bottom two. The judges hate her taste so much that she’s out. Turns out schwabbly zippers were the least of her problems. She should turn her outfit into one of those Halloween costumes you buy in a bag. They could call it “After-Five Party Girl” or “Business-Slut.” Or something.

Preview for next week: They’re making costumes for drag queens! I wish I could get in a time machine and go to next Wednesday right now!