Top 10 Unforgettable Reality TV Moments

So, we're totally sick of The Bachelor Jason Mesnick and his love triangle of indecision. But it is, perhaps, the most interesting thing to ever happen in the history of the show.... which got us thinking about other reality show happenings that are etched in our memory for all eternity.

We present our Top 10 Unforgettable Reality Show Moments:

10. Vicki gets crushed in the head with a football
If you've ever watched The Real Housewives of Orange County, then you probably think Vicki is totally annoying. Between her incessant "woo-hoos!," the micro-management of her grown children and her obsession with her laptop – even when she's out with friends – it's hard not to want to smack her. So this past season, when she was on a boat with friends and was accidentally smashed in the head with heavy, water-soaked football, we chuckled a little. OK, a lot. It's been a long time coming.

9. Santino channels Tim Gunn
Part of the fun of watching Project Runway is seeing the designers chat/bicker/clown around in the work room. But we think former contestant Santino Rice's dead-on impersonations of mentor Tim Gunn were classic. Santino perfected Tim's speech patterns, enunciation and voice. Highlights: "Where's Andrae?" and his Tim Gunn rendition of Nine Inch Nails' "Closer to God."

8. Ruthie goes to rehab
Today, there are reality shows based on people seeking recovery for their addictions. But usually, watching people get ridiculously drunk on TV has been par for the course. So when housemates on The Real World: Hawaii sent roommate Ruthie to rehab in 1999 after a string of crazy incidents (she had passed out in bars, performed table dances for her boss' wife, required the help of paramedics, etc.), it was a big deal in reality TV history. Probably even a first.

7. Tyra's meltdown
Tyra Banks is known for many things: Looking great in underwear, being a decent entrepreneur and acting goofy to the point of extreme embarrassment. So to see Tyra become completely enraged at an ungrateful, contrary contestant on season four of America's Next Top Model was unforgettable. We've seen less screeching after a Maury Povich paternity test gone bad.

6. Omarosa vs. Janice Dickinson
Well, what else besides war is going to happen when you put two mega-bitch celebrities with huge egos in the same house? Omarosa: "I feel sorry for her children." Janice: "She looks like Rick James' Siamese twin." They called each other crackheads throughout the program, and with their antics, you really didn't even need to see any of the other cast members.

5. Tanisha's wake-up call
After Tanisha's roommates kept her up all night on Bad Girls Club, she got up bright and early, went to the kitchen in her nightgown and got some big, thick baking pans. She then paraded around to all the girls' rooms – who were asleep with hangovers – and smashed the cooking tools together like symbals. "Get the f*** up!! This is what's going to go on all motherf******* day! " Immature? Yes. Worth rewinding? Definitely.

4. Jessica Simpson, Chicken of the Sea
From Newlyweds: Jessica Simpson (to then-hubby Nick Lachey): "Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish? I know it's tuna, but it says chicken. (pause) By the sea. Is that stupid?" (Nick just stares at her, then shakes his head.)
Nick: "You act like you've never had tuna before."
Jessica: "Why is it called chicken by the sea, or in the sea?"
Nick: "Chicken of the Sea is the brand."
Jessica: "Oh .... I read it wrong."

3. Tattooing tales – a tie
Everyone knows that getting spontaneous tattoos after a few drinks is an excellent idea. So tied for third place, we have: Heather from Rock of Love, who tattooed Bret Michaels' name on the back of her neck during a date. (He dumped her soon after, natch.)
And also, three morons from Tool Academy, decided had the show's logo emblazoned on their bodies. The trio of fools ridiculed the one guy who didn't follow suit. His response: "I thought we were supposed to be progressing and not doing toolish things. I think a Tool Academy tattoo is definitely toolish."

2. Mini Me gets naked and pees
After drinking more than an average-sized adult probably should on The Surreal Life, an inebriated Verne Troyer climbs on to his scooter naked, and motors into the exercise room. He pees in the corner on the carpet, and you can totally hear the audio of the urine splashing up off the floor. At one point, in mid-stream, Troyer just stares blankly at the camera man. It's totally disturbing.

1. The legendary loogie
Many classy things went down on Flavor of Love, but perhaps the grossest occurance was the spitball heard round the world. During an elimination round, Pumkin hurled a big, thick lunger at which landed on the face of fellow contestant New York.

Fashion TV: I've Seen Enough Of The Catty-walks.

As viewers grimace through Stylista, the newest addition to fashion-related, reality TV train wreck, it's hard not to wonder: Are these shows even in style anymore?

When America's Next Top Model and Project Runway launched, they seemed new and fresh and different. Unlike the slew of purely voyeuristic shows that were already out there, both programs explored uncharted territory and contestants actually required some sort of special skills to participate. Plus, they offered a glimpse into the dramatic and bitchy world of fashion, so the package made for a reality TV goldmine.

But then came the knock-offs. Once Janice Dickinson was done as a judge on ANTM, she got her own show, The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency. And frankly, it made ANTM seem as smart as The West Wing.

And it's only gotten worse from there. Not only have ANTM and PR lost their luster, interlopers such as America's Most Smartest Model, the horrifyingly bad Glam God With Vivica A. Fox, The Rachel Zoe Project – and now, Stylista – are trying to hop on the long-departed bandwagon.

But wait, there's more. Shear Genius puts scissorhands to the test, while Lifetime's new offering Blush: The Search for the Next Best Make-Up Artist premieres Nov. 11. Even if they play upbeat techno music and feature rapid-fire scene changes, can you think of anything more boring than watching people apply eyeshadow and buff blemishes for an hour?

I'd rather topple off a pair of 8-inch platforms into a bed of Tyra Banks' used hair extensions.

Besides, do contestants even benefit anymore? With constant turnover of reality TV out there, 15 minutes of fame has been reduced to about three minutes. And if you think about it, the only person who has been catapulted from obscurity to fame and career success isn't even a contestant – it's PR mentor, Tim Gunn, who is now a bonafide celebrity.

Now, to be fair, most people, including myself, have better things to do than track every move of reality show winners. But if any of these folks were making it -- truly making it, like, on the level of Gisele Bundchen or Marc Jacobs -- we'd hear about it.

Does anyone even consider Adrienne Curry, the first winner of ANTM, a model anymore? We think she's more synonomous with embarrassing VH1 reality shows and marrying Christopher Knight, whose most recent claims to fame includes his stints on Celebrity Circus and Celebrity Family Feud.

Try looking up ANTM alum CariDee English and you'll see more stories about her alleged make-out sessions with teen skateboard sensation Ryan Sheckler and her speeches about psoriasis awareness than modeling.

Meanwhile, the two PR winners who have probably seen the most success are the same folks who had established careers upon joining the cast. Season two winner Chloe Dao already had her own thriving clothing boutique, which is still going strong today. Recently, she sold out her 13-piece collection on QVC and was tapped to create a line of electronics accessories to be sold in stores like Target, Circuit City and Best Buy.

Season three champ Jeffrey Sebelia came to PR with an pre-exsisting clothing line, Cosa Nostra, and celebrity clientele. Since the show, he's launched a contemporary women's clothing line, Good Vig.

Sure, other winners from both shows are gainfully employed in their respective fields. But we have to wonder if that's because of the spotlight and humiliation that comes with reality TV, or in spite of it. Still, we're looking forward to seeing how it all pans out for people.

Our best bets for long-term success include season three ANTM winner Eva Marcille (who dropped Pigford from her name). She models, but she's also become a decent film and TV actress. Currently, she plays Tyra Hamilton on The Young & The Restless. Laugh if you want, but once upon a time, Eva Longoria called Y&R home, too.

We also have high hopes for PR winner Christian Siriano. Immensely talented for his young age, he's also got an engaging personality -- we predict both will take him far.

Certainly, viewers can enjoy much jackassery on the newest diluge of fashion programs. But as for producing the next great stylist or make-up artist? Does anyone really care? Or should Fashion TV just go the way of the peg-rolled jeans? As much as we love clothes and style, we're leaning toward the latter.

Runway Recap: The Honeymoon Is Over For Jerell

Oh, Project Runway, I was considering divorcing you after this lackluster season.

But just when I'm ready file for legal separation, you lure me back in with an interesting, fast-paced episode. So I guess for now, we'll renew our vows.

Perhaps I'm feeling all romantical -- PSA: I learned this "word" on Flavor of Love. Everyone, read more books! -- because Runway charged designers with not one, but two challenges to determine which three would show at Fashion Week. We'll give you a hint: The competitions had to do with weddings.

Since the show moved along in short segments -- the designers all got home visits from Tim while they worked on collections -- it seemed like a perfect reason to write this recap in short snippets.

That's right, friends. It's haiku time.

Designers got an

eight thousand dollar budget

to make ten fierce looks.

The catch: One had to

be a wedding dress. Boo hoo!

No one wants this.

Kenley complained: The

others sabotaged her at

the last runway show.

Someone get me a

tissue. She's an innocent

flower! Poor, poor thing.

Korto: Arkansas.

Collection looks gorgeous, bright.

Yellows and greens.

One dress looks like a

vagina, Tim warns. Reptile-

print slit gives him pause.

Korto does African

drumming for Tim, shows off her

family and friends.

Leanne in Portland:

Collection inspired by

waterfront and waves.

Leanne and Tim

rode a tandem bike. Bike has

two baskets and bell.

Worse, Tim was wearing

a bicycle helmet and made

whimpering noises.

"Whooooa. Whooooa." Doesn't he

take taxis in New York? That

seems much scarier.

Rewind. "Whooooa. Whoooa. Whoooa."

I can't help it. It's funny

as hell. (Love you, Tim.)

Jerell in L.A.

He's grown a goatee, but is

wearing normal clothes.

Wow. His garments are

super gaudy. Flashback to

Olympic challenge.

Kenley in Brooklyn.

Tim calls her "sweetheart." Did Tim

have lobotomy?

Her fabrics are hand-

painted, pretty. She's humble.

(No, not a typo.)

Everybody meets

back in New York. Nobody

wants to see Kenley.

She arrives, says "sorry

for being a bitch." Water

under the bridge. Hugs!

New challenge: Make a

bridesmaid dress to match wedding

gown. Loser gets auf'd!

On the runway, it's

ball and chain time. Wedding gowns,

bridesmaid dresses shown.

Oh Jerell, what went

wrong since last time? He made a

Bridezilla set.

Bride dress has boob flaps,

jewels, gray netting. She has a

bouquet on her head.

Maid's dress: A drab, blue,

wrinkly mess. She'll never meet

a boy wearing that!

Leanne's dreamy frocks

impress judges. Nina too!

"Romantic, modern."

(I used to think L

was boring, but she might

have this thing sewn up.)

Korto's dresses are

the same, exact color. Why?

Also, overworked.

Heidi: "I would not

want to be the bride." (Amen,

sister!) "It never ends!"

Kenley dazzles with

feathered wedding gown and short,

cute, blue bridesmaid dress.

Judges dub Leanne

and Kenley the best. Korto

and Jerell wait, scared.

Sorry, Jerell. Your

gharish showgirl gowns will go

back in garment bags.

It's three ladies in

the finals. Next week: Season ends!

(Rewind to bike scene.)

Runway Recap: Is Jerell Homeless?

Let’s discuss something: Does anyone else wonder how Project Runway’s Jerell can make decent garments when he always looks totally disheveled? Seriously, this man could not look any worse if he picked up the scraps from the workroom floor every week and found a haphazard way to affix them to his body.

Case in point: Last night, he wore a shredded straw hat and beat-up cargo shorts with a sleeveless hoodie; said hoodie had a deep V in front, and was made of a paper thin t-shirt material with a swirly print. (Sadly, there was no picture of that outfit on the website... you'd have loved it.)

Later, on the runway, he showed up in a icky, floppy-neck shirt underneath a sweater vest tunic that had old-man-style plaid pockets. It was like the poor man’s version of Henry Fonda in On Golden Pond.



But maybe in an effort to “update” this geezer look, Jerell wore it with pants (or were they capris?) That looked like they’d lost a battle with a weed wacker.

I’ve seen more pulled together looks on the homeless. And don’t even get me started on that ridiculous Boy Scout hat with chains he donned mid-season.

Still, Jerell pulled another rabbit out of his hat and won Wednesday night’s challenge: To create an evening gown design inspired by nature.



The designers took pics at the botanical gardens, then chose one photo to inspire their dresses. But now that we’re down to four designers, much of the show was dedicated to what a kind and humble young woman Kenley is, and how much everyone likes her.

The show began with Kenley blaming Leanne for her own glaring failure of a hip-hop outfit during the last week’s challenge: “I think she did a little bit of sabotage when she didn’t sell my outfit on the runway. She made it look like a fool’s outfit.”

Merriam-Webster definition of sabotage: “An act or process tending to hamper or hurt.” Actually, Kenley, my recollection is that you sabotaged Leanne’s crotch with those gross, so-not-hip-hop jeans last week.

But, no worry. Let’s move on.

“I had a hard time with the last challenge,” Kenley said, completely forgetting it was all Leanne’s fault, “so I hope this challenge is something I usually do.”

Dictionary definition of challenge: “To arouse or stimulate especially by presenting with difficulties.”

(But I do hear ya, Kenley. I had a really hard time with my last diet, so I hope my next one involves eating at the Indian buffet for every meal and buying Twix bars in bulk at Costco.)

Kenley talked more about how she loved herself and hates the other designers’ work. The other three shunned her. She probably does deserve it, but they were so obvious about it, it reminded me of that Sesame Street song “One Of These Things Is Not Like The Others.”

And considering everyone’s gowns had problems at judging – Jerell’s and Leanne’s seemed unfinished; Korto’s was too “beauty pageant” – they probably would have been better served to spend more time sewing and less time talking smack.

That said, Kenley spent all her time on her dress and it was a hot mess, too. Think Barney-colored reptile mated meets mermaid (the dress shape) meets an artichoke (the weird fin-looking things at the bottom). I like edgy, but it was just ...ew to me.



Still, to mimic the rest of PR’s blah season, this episode ended in an anti-climactic way: Nobody got the boot. All four will create collections for Fashion Week.

At this point, I’m rooting for Jerell. And if he wins, part of his prize should be a makeover on Tim Gunn’s Guide to Style. I'm just sayin'.

Project Runway: Workin' for a living

Oh, college, how I miss you.

Who doesn't long for the good old days: When showing up to class with bedhead and a hangover could be considered a badge of honor. When boxer shorts and t-shirt from a fraternity party seemed like a completely acceptable outfit. When the thought of having a real job wasn’t quite on your radar yet.

But every college grad needs a reality check, and six of them got it last night on Project Runway. Designers had to create a makeover look for recent graduates, transforming them from jeans-and-wifebeater wearers to professional young ladies.

And in the end, the resulting designs take me back to some of my own past jobs...

Bus girl: Scraping people’s breakfast remnants off a plate and cleaning up the crap their kids dropped on the carpeted floor can be a pretty thankless job. But I’d rather do that than be caught dead in Suede’s revolting jacket and dress ensemble. He sucked all the fun out of a lively, Pucci-style print by pairing it with the ugliest jacket known to man.

Entertainment reporter: This is a fun job with a lot of variety, just like Korto’s leafy wrap dress, which she put underneath a textured khaki jacket with leather piping. It was interesting and lively, just like a conversation with the late George Carlin.

Hardware slinger: In high school, I worked at hardware store slinging nuts, bolts and what have you. Just as hammers and nails are basic things everyone should have in their tool box, a dress and jacket ensemble are good staples for a closet. Sadly, Leanne’s drab offerings generated about as much interest I had in this job... which is why I left when something better came along.

Secretary: In this job, I had to be friendly and personable. And as much as it pains me to say it (because let’s face it, Kenley is such a conceited asshat), this describes her vintage-inspired dress. It’s fairly fresh and cute and I’d wear it to greet just about anyone. However, not unlike a secretary’s duties, Kenley’s designs seem little bit repetitive each week. Is it just me, or is she a one-trick pony?

Famous novelist: OK, OK, I haven’t really had this job. (Yet.) But if I did and if my hips were smaller, I would totally wear Jerell’s high-waisted pencil skirt, slinky top and man-inspired cardigan to many a book-signing. It was the perfect look for his client’s body type... and it won him the challenge! His look and his college grad will appear in Elle magazine as a prize.

Clerk at a health club: During college, I worked at a fitness center, where I checked membership cards and signed out basketballs and racquetballs. But, I also had to do members’ laundry if they so desired. I’m sure you can imagine how totally awesome it was when a guy slapped his sweaty jockstrap, shorts and socks up on the counter after two hours on the basketball court.
It was just as awesome as Joe’s frumpy skirt suit, channeled straight from the 1980s, minus the shoulder pads.

The judges hated it, and Joe is the latest designer to bite the dust.

Project Runway: Hey, Ratbones! I'm home!

Right around 9:57 p.m., my dog, Archie – who was perched on the couch cushion behind my head – was in the middle of a righteous yawn when he belched out loud. Even he looked startled by it. And I don’t think the timing was a coincidence. It totally summed up how I felt about Wednesday night’s episode of Project Runway, which kind of made me wish I’d finished watching the second hour of America’s Next Top Model.

But since I didn’t, here’s the low-down:

Designers were charged with creating a look for Diana Von Furstenburg’s fall collection. DVF tells the contestants she was inspired by Marlene Dietrich in the 1943 film, “A Foreign Affair” – kind of a 1930s and 1940s spy/traveler/entertainer look. The winning design will be produced and sold exclusively to American Express cardholders (shameless plug alert!).

Kenley gets verklempt at the opportunity and starts sobbing. “I love Diane Von Furstenberg. I would be happy to win this one and that’s it.” Hey, there’s no crying in fashion! Oh, wait.

All the designers but Kenley decide to make multiple pieces, as DVF’s collection was composed of ensembles with multiple layers. Kenley decided on a dress.

In the workroom, Korto again channeled Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. Even when her words seemed to convey happiness, her tone was clinically depressed. Looking at her dress, she said “I love my colors” in the same way I’d say “Someone broke into my house and stole all my shoes.”

And after a having completely first-person speak week, Suede is back to Suede’s old tricks again. Maisy wants to thrust shishkabob skewers into her ears!

On to the runway!

Joe has been very pleased with himself this challenge, but it’s hard to see why. He draped a sparkly, hoodie-shawl thing over a hideous backless Asian-inspired top, and paired them with a lopsided belt and a skirt with an uneven hem.

Leanimal, the silent fashion assassin, had another successful week with a gorgeous, detailed violet gown underneath a short gray jacket.

Terri’s pants/fireworks blouse/mohair coat combo is good enough to qualify her for the next round.

Jerell combined bronze glittery fabric with black and cobalt blue to create a three piece look. But I was distracted by his model’s Boy Scout cap, which was similar to one Jerell wore a few weeks ago, sans all the gold, dangly crap hanging from it.

Korto actually cracks a smile when her cute, full-length printed dress and jacket ensemble come down the runway. This may be the first time we’ve seen her teeth all season.

Don’t even get me started on Blayne’s foolish pants. Are they gauchos? Are they knickers? Are they short MC Hammer pants? I can tell you one thing they are: So hideous that I can’t even remember the rest of his outfit.

Suede’s updated camo print dress – which made his skinny model look totally hippy – and herringbone vest got a thumbs-down from judges.

Stella turned in double-sided a halter vest and pants suit with puckered seams, and cape that judges likened to Dracula or a magician.

Kenley’s colorful dress was pretty and tailored, but seemed too simple in comparison to everyone else’s full-on ensembles.

Later, the judges gushed over Korto’s look, and not once did she look relieved or joyful. “Thank you.” (Sounded like: “My husband just left me.”) “Thank you again.” (“The bank just foreclosed on my house.”)

But for the second week in a row, Leanne was victorious.

In the end, Joe and Stella were in the bottom two. (Cue Archie belch here.) But all the abracadabra in the world couldn’t save Stella from her cape(r) gone wrong. Poof! She’s out.

Now, fair's fair. What happened on Top Model?

Project Runway: Revs My Engine

I have to admit: I wasn't real excited during the first 10 minutes of Project Runway, when I learned that contestants would be making garments out of car parts. It seemed like yet another shameless plug, of which there have been tons this season. This time, it was for Saturn, one of the show's sponsors.

With no time to concoct a plan, designers had to collect their materials out of a bunch of parked Saturns, then go back to the workroom and figure out what to do. And the results made me shift into high gear.

But first, we learned more interesting tidbits about a few of the designers: Suede (whose ‘wackadoodle' count this season is now at four) uses a flat iron to create his ridiculous hairdo. And Stella has a boyfriend named Ratbones, which does not surprise me in the least.

For fun this week, I've equated the outfits to vehicles. Vroom, vroom!:

Kenley: Pontiac Fiero. Remember these cute little sports cars, which were basically made of plastic? Well, Kenley's skirt – constructed from air filters on which she hand-drew zebra stripes – was adorable. But if her model sat down in it or took too big of a stride, the whole thing would come undone... just like the Fiero in a car accident.

Korto: Toyota Corolla. The judges loved her chic coat dress, made from beige seatbelts woven together. But it reminded me of those woven seatbelt purses that have been around for years. The Corolla boasts wonderful craftsmanship, too, but haven't you seen a million of them already?

Joe: Pontiac Aztec. It's not the worst-running car ever driven, but it's for sure one of the most hideous. If I were riding in it – even as a passenger – I'd be wearing a disguise. Maybe something along the lines of Joe's icky frock, which was motocross meets fugly. Good thing he has immunity this week.

Blayne: Kia Optima. The Optima looks nice on the outside, but let's face it: there are a whole lot of abandoned Kias on the side of the road. Blayne used broken mirrors to create a fun embellishment on his seatbelt gown... but it wasn't enough to camouflage this ill-fitting monstrosity that belonged in a junkyard.

Suede: Ford Crown Victoria. Suede did okay considering what he had to work with. But in the real world, his black top and blinding, silver, shredded skirt would warrant an arrest by the fashion police.

Terri: Harley Davidson V-Rod Muscle. Terri's halter and pants set – made from seat cushions, carpets, cargo netting – are elegant, but edgy and urban, too. She'd look right at home driving this bike, or out on the town kicking some ass.

Jerell: Smart Car. His futuristic bustier and skirt feel fresh and innovative ... and they're also very small. But if he parked his model in a lot, everyone would gather around to oooh and aaah.

Leanne: Bentley Continental GTC. I'm shocked. Boring Leanne turns out a car seat, cushion and seatbelt minidress that's luxe, eye-catching and curvy. It could be totally overpriced and people would still want it. She's this week's winner.

Stella: AMC Pacer. This week, everyone's favorite leatha-master departed from her usual MO to try and make something pretty. Instead, she made a skirt and vest that went together about as well as people who have taste and the AMC Pacer. Still, she survives the bottom two, so Ratbones is on his own for at least another week.

Keith: Ford Pinto. Keith should have pumped his brakes with the whining this week. He was so focused on the judges' criticisms from the last challenge that he created an outfit hr thought they'd want to see, instead of a garment he wanted to make. His plan sputtered and backfired – just like a Pinto.

Keith was auf'ed, but not without a whole lot of weeping, making for only a slightly less embarrassing departure than Michael on Design Star, who cried out for his mommy when he was booted from the show over the summer.

Gay Pterodactyls Soar on Project Runway

My air conditioner konked out this morning, on a day when it was a hot and humid 96 degrees. Now, I’m sweating and frustrated and cooped up in the “man cave” in my basement because it’s cooler down here. You probably don’t care, but I bring it up to make a point.

For one hour, a quite entertaining episode of Project Runway made me postpone my plan to kidnap an air conditioner repairman from his home and family in the middle of the night to fix my problem. After a few weeks of relatively unmemorable Runway episodes, this was a refreshing change.

With former contestant Chris March as an advisor, the designers were charged with creating drag queen costumes. And for the first time since the very first grocery store challenge, the outfits were as interesting than the banter in the work room. And isn't that supposed to be the point of the show??

It’s worth noting that when March showed up, he was wearing a drag costume that was part opera singer (long, white, drapy dress), part Viking (Flavor Flav would be totally jealous of this helmet), and part Studio 54 (a halved disco ball served as bra cups).

Before we hit the runway with our special haiku critique, let’s hit a few work room highlights: Wearing one of the drag queen’s ginormous bras, Joe did a horrifying, rhythmless dance that could almost rival Elaine Benis’ on Seinfeld. I was going to rewind it in order to describe it better, but some things are best left in the past.

And when Tim Gunn came around the workroom, he stopped to comment at Blayne’s ensemble. “It looks like it’s a pterodactyl from a gay Jurassic Park.” The camera cuts to Blayne: "Tim has just given me the best compliment a person can get.” Considering the challenge, this is the first time I’ve agreed with Blayne all season.

Suede and his queen, Hedda Lettuce, have some drama over the lime green dress with matching gloves. Hey, drag isn’t the only word that goes before queen!

Daniel is “not worried about Tim’s critique.” When will these morons learn that Tim Gunn is always right?

Now, on to the runway – in haiku – where a very scary, overly-plastic-surgeried RuPaul served as guest judge.

Blayne:
Neon pink and blue;
a kite with fringe grows from the
back of this model.

Jerell:
Even with a tall, popped
collar, Jerell made drag seem
drab. Show us some leg!

Keith:
It looks like my cat
used Keith’s “dress” as a scratching
post. Still, Keith squeaks by.

Korto:
Fiery collar and
detachable skirt make a
great “woman in heat.”

Leanne:
Mel’s Diner meets Star
Trek in waitress outfit gone
wrong. Drag-tastic, though.

Suede:
Hedda Lettuce looks
more like Cabbage Patch in lime
green monstrosity.

Stella:
Underwhelming in
plaid and black, but better than
most of the others.

Terri:
Crazy kabuki dress
on seven foot queen. Truly
a lovely costume.

Kenley:
Silver sequins with
feathered collar are enough
to save her this week.

Joe:
“Ann-Margret plus Love
Boat” scores win, immunity.
Masks the man parts, too.

Daniel:
Stripper’s manicure
colors compose this cliche
cocktail dress. He’s out.

Here’s one more bonus haiku, before my brain melts out through my ear and onto this arm chair:

Maisy (that’s me!):
May be writing from
jail next week. Kidnapping
about to commence.

Project Runway produces outfits, Halloween costume

Not a full minute into “Project Runway” and Blayne is already annoying. “Team Dramaliiiiicious,” he says, walking out of the apartment door. I haven’t readied the proper snacks and libations to deal with this foolishness so early in the show. Speaking of minutes:

9:02 p.m. The designers go to meet Heidi Klum so they can learn about their next challenge. She tells them they’ll be designing an outfit for “a high-powered and glamorous professional woman.”
Blayne: “I just don’t want it to be Hillary Clinton because I would never win if I made a neon pantsuit.” Correction: You’ll never win with a neon pantsuit no matter who it’s for.
They go to the work room to meet the high-powered business woman, but first they take guesses at who it might be: Heidi Klum? Nancy Grace? Joan Rivers?
9:03: Stella: “I would like to design for Sharon Osbourne, Queen of Rock. She’s a businesswoman.”
Nope, it’s Brooke Shields.Suede busts out some trivia: “I, of course, love Brooke because she was a Calvin Klein model. ‘Nothing comes between me and my Calvins!’”(Isn’t it tragic, though, that nobody will come between Suede and his fauxhawk?)

9:04: Brooke tells designers they are to create a look for her character, Wendy, on Lipstick Jungle. Wendy is a studio executive/musician’s wife, who needs an outfit that can “carry her from day to night.” And, they’ll be working in teams!

9:10: The prize for this challenge: Shields’ character will wear the winning outfit in an episode of Lipstick Jungle. “Everyone wants that,” Terri says. Sure, if you say so.
After seeing all 12 sketches, Brooke chooses Keith, Korto, Jerell, Terri, Kelli and Blayne to make the outfits.

9:16: Jerell asks: “Who doesn’t want their outfit worn on national TV?” Jerell, FYI, that’s what you’re doing on Project Runway right now.

9:19: Suede, who is partners with Terri, is whining in a nasally voice. He’s “really uncomfortable” cutting the fabric for their draped shirt.
Terri doesn’t have time for it: “I don’t know what he’s packing – balls or va-jay-jay – be he needs to work that out. ... Please, man up.”

9:22: Daniel is Kelli’s partner and the skirt he made looks like it’s rumbled with a Weed Wacker. “Daniel made this skirt – half ruched, half not. The zipper’s all schwabbly. It’s a mess. It’s destroyed.” She tells him to make a different one.

9:23: Terri to Suede: “This whole back is jacked up Everything Suede seems to be touching is not gold.” Oh God! Suede’s third-person-speak is rubbing off on her: “If it’s between Terri going home and Suede going home, it’s peace out.”

9:28: Back from commercial break, Tim Gunn is making his rounds. Blayne to Tim: “Holla at your boy!” Holla at my fist, Blayne.

9:42: Runway time! Here come the outfits, which are, for the most part, underwhelming.

9:45: OMG! Jerell is wearing a pink and white flowered nightgown with an asymmetrical hem, over a pair of pants and underneath a grody vest. What the hell is that?

9:47: Kelli and Daniel have combined black and leopard print fabrics with turquoise lace to create a trampy bustier. It’s paired with a black pencil skirt and leopard-trimmed jacket and turquoise belt.
The judges love it!
Brooke: “It looks so much cheaper than I thought it could look.”
Nina: “You can’t get taste if you don’t have it.”
Michael: “Slutty, slutty, slutty.”
Truly, it’s awful.

9:49: Blayne and Leanne turn in a snoozefest of out outfit that’s centered around a pair of ugly Bermuda shorts. Heidi summed up how all of us were feeling: “She looked like a woman that didn’t have a mirror. It was really dark and she just grabbed things and put them on.”

9:56: Keith and Kenley are deemed the winners with their scalloped fringe skirt and convertible floral top. Their outfit will appear on season 2 Lipstick Jungle. I know you’re setting your DVR right now.

9:57: Kelli and Blayne are in the bottom two. The judges hate her taste so much that she’s out. Turns out schwabbly zippers were the least of her problems. She should turn her outfit into one of those Halloween costumes you buy in a bag. They could call it “After-Five Party Girl” or “Business-Slut.” Or something.

Preview for next week: They’re making costumes for drag queens! I wish I could get in a time machine and go to next Wednesday right now!

Project Runway turns designers into fashletes!

In perhaps the timeliest challenge ever, Project Runway designers were charged Wednesday night with creating ensembles that could be worn by United States athletes during opening ceremonies of the Olympic games.

To garner inspiration, Tim Gunn took the “fashletes” on a field trip to The Armory Track & Field Center Museum, which contained myriad historical photographs. (We were the only ones that were shocked that Daniel had never, ever seen an opening ceremony in his life? “I’m guessing someone holds a flame and runs around a track field.” Has he ever owned a TV?)

Apolo Ohno, whom Heidi Klum called “one of the most stylish gold medalists ever” told the fashletes about the challenge and served as a guest judge. (And eye candy.) So in honor of this sporting challenge, we present the special medal ceremony recap of Project Runway.

“I’ll Be Ready For Botox by Age 24" medal: No shocker here, it’s Blayne! “Other people go to the gym, I go tanning. ...In tanning, I am an Olympic athlete. It only goes to a bronze medal. ... I’m getting paler and paler and weaker and weaker. By the end of the season, I’m going to be like, frail, white.” And while I’m curious to see the Caucasian version of Blayne, I really don’t need to see any more of his underwhelming designs. I think he’s coasted through this thing so far, don’t you?

“Cry Me a River” medal: Gosh, Joe, I hope you left some Kleenex for the rest of the designers with all that whining. “My workspace is right behind Daniel and Kenley, and they’re constantly laughing and making jokes. You get the sense that there really isn’t any consideration for anyone else.” God forbid anyone actually have fun during a 15-hour work day.
Also, Joe got his token-straight-man-panties in a bunch because Daniel audacity to hop on an empty sewing machine that Joe had been using 10 minutes before. Even though there were tons of other empty stations, Joe complained to everyone around him. “For the last three challenges, I’ve used that machine. He didn’t seem to be that concerned about that.” Then he had the nerve to say “There’s too much drama because there are too many queens around.” Drama? Insert your own pot/kettle joke here.

“I Owe You a Drink” medal: This one is awarded to Runway producers, who barely even showed Suede tonight. He did manage to squeeze out the work “wackadoodle” before I could hit mute, though.

“I’m a Poser” medal: Did you see how much cream was in Stella’s coffee? She’s a fraud! A real toughie would drink it straight up. No sugar, no cream. Period.

“What the Hell is That?” medal: If we could give Jerell two of these medals, we would. First, his monstrosity of an outfit was way too busy. (See below.) Coco Chanel once said that when accessorizing, a person should take off the last thing they put on. Jerell’s model should have taken off the last four or five items – starting with that ridiculous sun hat.
Speaking of hats, did you see Jerell’s at elimination? What the hell is that? I’ll tell you. It was the product of a mating session between a Boy Scout cap and a belly dancing medallion belt. He should have taken off that thing no matter what order in which it was put on.


“Master of Leatha” medal: Surprise! It’s not Stella. Korto takes this prize, as well as the gold medal, with her winning, mostly-white outfit consisting of structured linen pants, and a lightweight leather vest with red and blue trim. (Above) Judges called it modern, Apolo liked the lightweight fabrics and Korto won the challenge and immunity next week.

Disqualified – no medal: Jennifer turns in another lame outfit that isn’t even relevant to the challenge – unless a jewel-neck navy blue cardigan and gold and white striped skirt make you think of track & field greatness. Too bad Daniel wasn’t a judge this time. Based on his Olympic experiences, he probably thought it was a record-breaker.

Project Runway: Wearing New York City

Three episodes into "Project Runway," it's safe to say that this season has the highest concentration of annoying designers and head accessories.

Emily loves to tie really long headbands around her head over the top her hair. (Hey Emily, the Solid Gold dancers called; they want their costumes back.) Keith, meanwhile, ties a thick bandanna around his dome -- he's like the white, gay, Mormon version of Tupac. On the bright side, though, Kenley's fun accessories (all manner of clip-in flowers, feathers and jewels) are working for her.

And as it turns out, the trio's taste in head adornments translated into the kinds of outfits they'd make later on.

The designers' challenge was to create a look for a night on the town, based on different parts of Manhattan at night. To find their inspiration, they slipped on their ponchos and galoshes for a wet and rainy ride atop a double decker bus. They got off in various areas of town, took tons of photos and then chose one to be the driving force behind their garments.

After they picked up their supplies, they were back in the sewing room to create and to unleash their inner morons.

I keep thinking Suede's third-person talking will stop bothering me so much and eventually morph into the jumbled voices of the Peanuts parents. No such luck. "Suede is here to rock it! Suede's decided on working with a shirt dress silhouette. Suede's giving little flecks of color which goes back to my inspirational photo." Suede should put his lips under the sewing machine needle and press the foot pedal.

As a Washington native, I really wanted to root for Blayne, but that ship sailed after the first episode. He's just to much of a tool. Last night, he wondered "Is there any tanning salons down here?," he made weirdo psycho faces at Kenley before threatening to eat her, and told Tim Gunn, "Holla at cha boy."

With a totally serious look on his face, Gunn replied, "Holler at your boy? What does that mean? I don't get it." Oh, bless you, Tim Gunn.

In comparison to these asshats, Stella's broken-record talk of "leatha" and rock and roll didn't bother me as much this week. But she did win the award for noisiest project when she used a mallet to repeatedly pound grommets into her fabric.

On the runway, the Headwear Trio were among the six with the highest and lowest scores.

Keith turned in a shapeless frock made of floppy fabric squares. "When she walked by, it literally looked like toilet paper caught in a windstorm," Michael Kors said.

Emily's monstrosity looked like the model's breasts barfed up a mess of sunset-colored ruffles. And Jennifer's dress, based on a clock, was so boring I don't even want to describe it.

Meanwhile, Terri's graffiti-inspired, backless dress, worn over flared pants was a hit, as was Leanne's chic skirt and top ensemble, which she based on a tree planter grate.

In the end, though, Kenley's creation, which Kors deemed an "80s Joan Collins power bitch dress," took the top prize. I thought it looked like the model had a giant boil growing out of her hip, but what do I know?

Emily got the boot. Auf Wiedersehen, Em! Tell Marilyn McCoo we said hello.

Project Runway premieres!

SPOILERS!

Yay! Summer TV has been vindicated with the premiere of "Project Runway." And the contestants seem to be more experienced than ever. (Olivia, if you're reading this, I was thinking of you while I watched!)

They introduced everyone and most seem to have real credentials ... meaning, they have worked for major designers or already have an established line and/or store.

Here's my homie, Blayne, from Washington. "I have a ridiculous obsession with tanning," he says. No kidding! He looks like a total Oompa Loompa and, at only 23, he has deep, awful wrinkles crow's feet already. Beef jerky! If they ever have a challenge to make a fantastic leather bag, he can save himself some time and have the model wear his face down the runway.

Also, his catch phrase seems to be adding "licious" on to the end of words. (Girlicious, etc.) Ugh. Sorry Washington, I think he's going to be a douche. But I hope I'm wrong.

There's a guy named Suede, who has blue mohawk and a vertical stripe as a soul patch. He's wearing capri jeans, a leather vest over a black tee and black, high top tennies. He also has tons of black rubber bangles up his arm, like I used to wear in high school.

Their first challenge is to make a garment out of things they find in the grocery store, which was the first challenge on season 1.

(Jerell's Tim Gunn impression is terrible, by the way.)

Jerry is bragging about how innovative he was and how everyone else sucked. Yet he's one of, like, six people who are using tablecloths/shower curtains as their main fabrics. Way to go, Smart Guy.

Man, his outfit is ugly as fuck, too. The ill-fitting, baggy coat is made from a white shower curtain, and he's got the model wearing dish gloves. It looks like the get-up Dexter wears when he's killing someone. (Michael Kors says, "The dress underneath looks like a HandiWipe gone wrong." Heidi Klum: "It's a bit hospital-plumber.")

Some of the outfits are pretty damn cool, though, I have to say. That's why I love this show!

Daniel made a sexpot cocktail dress out of blue plastic kegger cups.

Korto made a yellow kimono style dress out of a tablecloth, but then decorated the neckline beautifully with cut cherry tomatoes and kale.

And Kelli made an awesome dress out of vacuum cleaner bags that she dyed herself with coffee and ink; the bra cups were singed coffee filters; the waistband was decorated in gold thumb tacks that looked like metal studs. She closed the whole thing in back with hook and eyelet closures she made out of a spiral notebook.

Kelli wins, and totally deserves it!

Jerry's out. Hasn't he watched other reality shows? The second you start bragging about being the shit, it's the kiss of death.

On his exit interview, Jerry says: "I am a true designer. I make beautiful clothes."

Yeah, if your client is Norman Bates.

Chain letters, and neon, and misery, oh my!

I have never gotten a real, live chain letter in my entire life, but in the past two weeks, I've gotten two. I don't really know what to say about it besides those two people in Eugene, Ore., and Carlsbad, Calif., wasted their stamps. But isn't it weird? My mom used to get chain letters from time to time in the 1980s. I didn't even know people still did that.

In other news, the cast for season 5 of "Project Runway" was announced today and of particular interest to me is Blayne, who cites neon as a fashion must-have. "It just makes me so happy," he says. "If you cut me open, neon would spill out."

Blayne is from Yakima, Wash., where I worked for 3 1/2 years before moving to Louisville. Let's hope he's less embarrassing to my home state than the outgoing Miss Washington, who was also from central Washington.

Last, I am still recovering from another frigid day at work, where the overzealous air conditioning blows out straight over my desk. My work uniform includes my regular clothing, which is then covered with a zip-up fleece jacket and a pink fleece Hello Kitty blanket wrapped around the lower half of my body. I look like I belong in a wheelchair in a nursing home.

Meanwhile, it's like 87 degrees outside.

I wish my job would sprinkle all the money they spend on superfluous air conditioning into my paycheck. I'd spend the money on a new pair of gloves and a ski mask. Those are really hard to find during summer, by the way. Tomorrow, I'm considering taking in my Sorels.