Basketball can suck it

Confession: I'm happy that the Lady Cards made it to the final tourney game and I hope they win. But overall, college basketball season is a synonym for "My husband works all the fucking time and I never see him."

Between the men's NCAA tournament and the ridiculous brouhaha over UK's new coach, Kyle has worked 20 out of the past 21 days. If I had a miserable relationship, I'd be happy I didn't have to see him. But I miss him a lot. And I resent basketball because I simply don't give two shits about any of it. But the worst part, as I said, is that he's had to work 20 of the past 21 days. And he's been taking care of me because I've had some health stuff going on that has rendered me pretty useless for the past couple of days.

The poor thing is so burned out right now. His next day off is Friday -- his birthday -- and I'm hoping he's not too tired to enjoy it.

TV Throwdown: The Bachelor Vs. Rock Of Love Bus

Oh, how we love a "showmance." They happen on reality TV all the time, but are always that much more entertaining when people set out to find love in an abbreviated time period in front of millions. Which brings us to two programs we've been watching lately: The Bachelor and Rock of Love Bus.

So, why not pit them against each other in The Most Dramatic TV Throwdown Ever?!

Bachelors:
Jason's hair isn't great, but at least it's real. Bret has a more engaging personality and a sense of humor. A date with Jason is a snooze, but at least he's ready to settle down with one woman and not have groupie sex on the side. Bret thinks a genital piercing is a really great gift, which is only a little bit more gross than the ill-fated breakdancing moves Jason showed off during an early episode.
So, the question is this: Would you rather be with someone ho-hum who won't cheat? Or somebody who likes to laugh, but may bring home the clap?
One vote for boring! I'd rather upgrade my Netflix subscription than have a lifetime supply of penicillin.

The Bachelor: 1
Rock of Love Bus: 0


The Suitors:
I'm embarrassed for the women on The Bachelor when they start blubbering and shedding actual tears about being in love after having spent approximately 20 minutes with Jason. The "ladies" on ROLB do the same thing, but also engage in myriad personal humiliations that include, but are not limited to: Regularly getting drunk enough to throw up; wearing skanky Frederick's of Hollywood lingerie as outerwear; and making profound statements like "I'm not hanging out with anyone who wears brown lip gloss!"

The Bachelor: 2
Rock of Love Bus: 0


Show format:
There is absolutely no reason the Bachelor needs to be two hours long every week. They spend at least half an hour playing flashbacks that happened 10 minutes prior, and then they show interviews where the people recap what you have just viewed. It's a colossal waste of time. Note to producers: Jason might not seem so boring if we saw him in shorter snippets.
ROLB moves along swiftly. Bret subjects his suitors to humiliating challenges to win dates; he goes on said dates; a breast or two is usually exposed at some point; a slutty catfight breaks out, and then it's on to the elimination. All in one hour. Aaaand, we have a winner.

The Bachelor: 2
Rock of Love Bus: 1


Cliches:
Each week, The Bachelor promises "The Most Shocking/Dramatic/Intense Rose Ceremony Ever!!" And if I had a quarter for every time someone used the words "amazing" or "journey" or "amazing journey," I could totally quit my day job right now. Get a thesaurus, people.
On the other hand, Rock of Love Bus is packed with other lame cliches, including Bret's standard "keeper" line at the elimination ceremony: "Will you stay on tour and continue to rock my world?" Also, I think I've heard the song "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" more times on the Rock of Love installations than I ever did in the 1980s.
But The Bachelor has had nearly 20 seasons where presumably educated people overuse "amazing" and "journey." Overkill.

The Bachelor: 2
Rock of Love Bus: 2


Dates:
Bret has taken his dates on riverboat rides, hay rides and picnics. A dream date consists of going to work with him (watching one of his shows at a random bar), then hanging out with a bunch of douches backstage. It's not that glamorous, but at least those are things that a normal couple might do, minus "take your girlfriend to work day."
Jason has taken his dates to private concerts, on spontaneous trips to Las Vegas and on shopping sprees. But for a guy who's supposed to be single father, do you really think these dates are par for the course? Hellz to the no. When the Bachelor isn't footing the bill, these ladies are going to be having dinner at The Old Spaghetti Factory, picking up after Ty and calling their moms so they have someone interesting to talk to.
So, the ladies on Rock of Love Bus are probably getting a slightly more realistic view of their futures.

The Bachelor: 2
Rock of Love Bus: 3


Bottom line: Nobody really expects these shows to produce real relationships, which means we're only watching to be entertained. Rock of Love Bus may make you cringe, but at least there's never a dull moment.

Love Is In The Air: The Best and Worst TV Couples

Valentine's Day is upon us, and it's a holiday about which I feel conflicted. On one hand, it's grossly over-commercialized and filled with pressure. But on the other, it is nice to celebrate your significant other – and I have no complaints about flowers and candy, even if they are a little cliche.

So to celebrate my wishy-washiness about Cupid's big day, I'm highlighting five TV relationships (from still-airing programs) that seem destined for success, and five that give love a bad name.

I love:

Tara and Max, United States of Tara
As this series is new, we're still seeing their relationship unfold, but the back story is that Max and Tara have been married for almost 20 years. And while they have their speed bumps (see: her multiple personalities, Buck, T and Alice), their bond has clearly been strong enough to perservere. They have the same struggles as any other long time couple, but seem committed to making it work.

Dwight and Angela, The Office.
Jim and Pam are sweet, but boring. The best thing about Dwight and Angela is that they're both anal nerds at heart, but also have no problem shagging on company time every now and then. Plus, their whole dynamic together is so awkward that it seems like a perfect fit. I want them to officially get back together.

Sookie and Bill, True Blood.
From the first time they met, you could sense the connection between telepathic Sookie and vampire Bill. Yes, he's robbing the cradle, he bites Sookie during sex and isn't readily available for brunch dates. But he also regularly saves her life and appears to be pretty good in the sack. This is the ultimate bad-boy, good girl coupling.

Bill, Barb, Nikki and Margene, Big Love
Obviously, polygamy isn't for everyone. But this foursome have better, more functional relationships than many duos we know in real life. They work together and are unconditionally supportive of each other. Plus, there's always someone around to watch the kids, clean the house, make dinner and have sex with Bill. Sometimes one lady doesn't feel up to doing all of those things in one night.

Tom and Lynette, Desperate Housewives
It would have been easy for Tom and Lynette to call it quits, what with their ever-changing careers, hell-on-wheels children, the neighborhood drama and the stress of Lynette's cancer. But in the mess that is Wisteria Lane, the Scavos always find a way to make it work and be the most stable, loving couple on the block.


I loathe:

Izzie and Denny's ghost, Grey's Anatomy
Izzie's affair with her dead lover may or may not be a figment of her imagination, but it's still among the worst storylines ever. I don't even watch this show anymore, but have still heard about this plot a million times and nobody seems to like it. Ghost sex is not romantic, it's creepy.

Kath and Phil,Kath and Kim
Sure, we chuckle when they do their speed walking exercise routine together, but these two social misfits and their gross PDA are just too nauseating to watch. There's someone for everyone, but these two should be hidden away.

Christian and Liz, Nip/Tuck
Surely, this story line can't have much traction, but I hate even watching it play out. I wouldn't wish Christian upon anyone, especially not a lesbian taking her first foray into hetero relations in years. Liz is way too good for this egomaniacal womanizer, and no matter how strong she is, her heart and pride are bound to end up in tatters.

Larry and Cheryl, Curb Your Enthusiasm
Speaking of too good, what can Cheryl possibly see in Larry? He's a selfish, bumbling, insensitive man – and, let's face it, he's not winning any beauty contests, either. Their separation last season added some realistic depth to the show. I love both characters, but I'm glad they're not together.

Silas and neighbor lady, Weeds
Show of hands: Who else is grossed out by 17-year-old Silas mounting the older, MILF, sandwich lady in a room full of weed and cold cuts? Not only is it unsanitary, it's kinda depraved. Silas has obvious mommy issues because his own madre is so emotionally unavailable.

TV Boyfriends

I admit it: I probably didn’t make the smartest dating choices when I was in my early 20s. I had a thing for bad boys. As long as they were smokin’ hot and didn’t live in their parents’ basement, it didn’t really matter so much if they had high falutin’ goals or a 401K plan. If they had a snowboard and a job, that was just icing on the cake.

Luckily, I have since met and married a fantastic (read: totally put-together) man. But sometimes, when I'm in front of the tube, I slip into my old ways and think, “Huh. There's something about that guy..."

Here are 10 troubled souls that I probably would have dated a decade ago. For a little while, at least.

1. Dexter Morgan, “Dexter.” Here’s the thing. Even if you knew Dexter was homicidal, it would still be a little bit tempting to date him. For one, he’s neurotic about cleanliness and order, so we know he’d make the bed and dump the trash without being asked. Also, he brings coffee and donuts to his girlfriend every morning before work. It's hard to argue with Starbucks delivery.

2. Andy Botwin, “Weeds.” Sure, he’s total layabout and he did some revolting foot porn. But Andy is sexy, he’s laid-back and he likes to cook. All the time. This is especially important to a girl whose culinary specialties include spaghetti, PB&J and scrambled eggs.

3. Hank Moody, “Californication.” As a brilliant writer, Hank Moody would probably be a most excellent Scrabble opponent. And have you seen his record album collection? We love a man who digs vinyl. Those attributes could probably overshadow his serial womanizing, depression, drinking and pot smoking for about a week or so.

4. Jack Abbott, “The Young and the Restless.” Among his many offenses: He secretly changed his father’s will, and after Victor Newman had a seizure, he left him dying on the floor instead of calling 911. Eh, so what? Forgive and forget. We’ve had a crush on Jack since high school, even though his feathered hairdo has barely changed since then. Did I mention he’s highly successful and filthy rich?

5. Don Draper, “Mad Men.” The 1960s me would probably be attracted to this man. Besides being a handsome, sharp-dressed man, he’s creative and has a way with words. (Another good Scrabble opponant!) He's slightly less of a chauvinist than his peers, which would have been very important to me if I were alive during that time. Don seems to be sorting through some of his personal issues, too, which is encouraging.

6. Christian Troy, “Nip/Tuck.” Egomaniac and all-around jackass Dr. Troy has had more random sex than Ron Jeremy and Wilt Chamberlain combined. But I'm a sucker for a confident man with a perfect smile. His vulnerability since moving to L.A. also shows that he is marginally human somewhere underneath all that pomp and circumstance. But the minute he wanted to circle all my problem areas with a Sharpie, it'd be a wrap.

7. Jack Bauer, “24.” Basically a good guy, Jack Bauer has been trained to torture people without remorse. That’s a bit of a problem. Still, I admire him for always putting his loved ones before his job, and for being the hardest worker on this list. I bet he’d never waste away in front of the TV with one hand in his pants and the other on a beer. He has an uncanny knack for predicting the future, too. I smell a winning lottery ticket!

8. Guillermo, “Weeds.” I can overlook the fact that he’s a drug dealer and part-time scumbag with terrible fashion sense, because of his quiet charm, attention to detail and occasional poignant thoughts. If Stacy London wanted to help him out, however, I would not object.

9. James Doakes, “Dexter.” This is a man whose instincts were always on point, even if he was perpetually suspicious and angry, and dropped the f-bomb more than Bernie Mac. (RIP, Doakes.) He would make the perfect father... I'd love to try and see a teenager lie to him and get away with it.

10. Turtle, “Entourage.” I admit it. I have a soft spot for cute stoners. Unlike Andy Botwin, though, Turtle has a job: he drives Vince around and gets him weed. Also, he collects sneakers and loves hip-hop. Swoon. It’s like we were made for each other.

Do you know what today is?

It's our anniversary.... it's our anniversary.

Remember that 1993 song by Tony! Toni! Tone!? Anyone? Nevermind.

Anyway, we've been muhrried three years now. I can say "muhrried" like it's perfectly normal because I live in Kentucky.

Kyle had to work tonight, but we met up for a quick dinner at Cafe Lou Lou. When I went out to my car afterward, there was a big bouquet of flowers on the driver's seat of my car. He rules.

Our real anniversary celebration, however, is coming up in a couple of weeks. We're taking a weekend jaunt up to Chicago to go to this totally awesome show featuring every hip-hop act I could ever ask for on one roster. We might be the oldest ones there, but since it's mostly old-school acts, I'm hoping we're not total geriatrics.

Whee!

America's Next Top Dildos

Summary haiku:
New York is "famous"
for dating Flava Flav. And
that is your prize. Ew.




Chaos broke out at the "I Love New York 2" house tonight. Oh, what a delightful evening of trashy television!

There was grabbing, pushing and one contestant even hucked a giant loogie at another guy. As usual, nothing but class. Although I am torn as to what is more disgusting: the loogie, or watching New York allow random losers to suck her nasty-ass feet and groaning with pleasure as she makes out them each week.

Seriously. Who are these losers that want to date her?

Then again, even though she's a hooch and possibly a he-she, why would she want to date any of these ridiculous asshats that have been cast? And therein, lies the entertainment value.

Anyway, I know lose IQ points every time I tune in, but I can't help it. I will redeem myself at 10 p.m., when I watch the bright, intelligent "Weeds" on Showtime.

To close, a quote from New York, who was mortified that one of her dates included a mud bath: "It's not a place where a woman who wears a weave and fine jewelry should go."

"If it has shoes the cover, I know you'll read it."

Summary haiku:
Am I really that
shallow, or does my husband
just pay attention?





Yesterday, Kyle was on his way out the door, on his way to a library clearance sale where they were getting rid of extra books: Everything you can fit in one (giant) box for $10.

He said he'd try and find some stuff for me, too, but he wasn't entirely sure what I'd like to read. Then, after a pause, he said, "I'll just look for anything with a shoe on the cover. If it's got that, I know you'll read it."

I laughed really hard at his joke -- but mostly because it's true. I guess that's what happens when you're with someone for more that 7 years. Two of my favorite reads are "In Her Shoes" by Jennifer Weiner and the (somewhat horrifying) fairy tale, "The Red Shoes" by Hans Christian Andersen.

So Kyle called me after he was done and said he'd scored about 15 books.

"Did you get any that weren't about sports or being a black man in America?," I asked. And he starting cracking up. Because you know what? I know his reading habits, too.

In the end, he also knows my passion for fiction and true crime novels, so he did pick me up a few offerings -- none with footwear on the front. But if they're no good, well, they were only $1.25 a piece.