Vampire Fetish: Bloodsuckers Are The New Bad Boy

Centuries-old legends about vampires largely paint them as super-scary killing machines that should be avoided at all costs.

But thanks to a few modern novels – which have been adapted into television shows (True Blood) and movies (Twilight) – vampires are quickly emerging as contemporary sex symbols. Forget the days when sought-after bad boys rode motorcycles, smoked cigarettes and had a couple of tattoos. Today's bad-ass, bloodsucking, boy toys can kill you on the spot – and even though you've got no chance of outrunning them, would you really want to? They are too intriguing to resist.

That's why I'm are counting down the days until I get to see Bill Compton -- the title vampire on True Blood -- again, when season two of the show begins on June 14.

Part of the thing that makes the modern-day vampire so tangible, if not loveable, is the way the legends and personas have been manipulated for the new millennium. The vampires are old souls with modern problems and ideals -- and I love the mixture.

So, I took a look at True Blood and Twilight in several categories, rating the right-now-ness of each on a scale of 1-10.

ASSIMILATION
The main vamps in each series, Bill Compton and Edward Cullen (Twilight), both make every attempt to live normal lives among humans without hurting them. However, each have their crosses to bear. In True Blood, the townspeople are aware that vampires exist, but they are met with extreme prejudice. In Twilight, Edward must hide his true self from everyone but his vampire family and girlfriend, Bella. Can you say stressful?
True Blood: 8
Twilight: 7

EATING
While Bill's hungry, he sips the synthetic drink, Tru Blood, so as not to feed on living creatures. The beverage invention seems so 2009. The Cullens, meanwhile, feed on animals in the forest instead of humans. It's great they don't kill humans, but this writer often likes animals better than people, so I'm not super impressed.
True Blood: 10
Twilight: 7

SLEEPING
Like most traditional vampires, Bill sleeps in a coffin during the daytime. Ho-hum. Edward however, doesn't require sleep. Ever. Can you imagine how much you could get done if you never got tired?
True Blood: 2
Twilight: 8

SEX
Twilight is geared toward young adults, and romance prevails over sex. Bella and Edward can scarcely make out before he pulls back to avoid his natural instinct to inhale her scent and suck her blood. Frankly, it's nice to see teenagers who aren't hopping in the sack first chance they get.
The vamps on True Blood, meanwhile, have insatiable libidos. Their graphic, lighting-speed sexual activity can be a little bit much, but at least they can have sex with humans. Let's face it: Complete, prolonged abstinence isn't easy for everyone ... and consensual sex is better than a pile of dead bodies.
True Blood: 7
Twilight: 9

TRAVEL
You'd think an unemployed being – alive or undead – would A) take public transportation; B) drive a jalopy; or C) just run everywhere, since they're gifted with the ability to move at lightning speeds. But Bill drives a black BMW, and Edward's got a shiny, silver Volvo. Even vampires want nice wheels.
True Blood: 8
Twilight: 8

BITING
In most stories, including Twilight, being bitten (but not killed) by a vampire means that you're doomed to the same immortal fate. But on True Blood, vampires can bite humans (during sex, for instance) and not be changed. Likewise, humans on the show take hits of vampire blood to get high. Creative and interesting.
True Blood: 10
Twilight: 2


CLOTHING
No cloaks with high collars here, like many vampires of olde. Bill's usually wearing button down shirts, jackets or long sleeved henley tees with pants. Edward adopts the vibe of his Pacific Northwest home, opting fo casual t-shirts and jeans to complement his messy, gelled-up hairdo. Fashionable? Meh. Inconspicuous? Totally.
True Blood: 8
Twilight: 7

GOING OUTSIDE
Bill's intolerance to daylight means that his skin melts off in a gruesome fashion. Scary! But when Edward is in the sunlight, his skin sparkles like a million diamonds. Bling!
True Blood: 4
Twilight: 10

LOVE
Despite the fact that vampires aren't human – something that Bill and Edward continually remind their partners about – both seem capable of true, unwavering, loyal love with their human girlfriends. Bill fell for telepathic, outspoken waitress Sookie Stackhouse, while Edward is smitten with Bella, a high-school student who is sometimes insecure about their relationship. Still, both relationships seem built to last despite the 100+ year age difference. We don't expect to see either couple on Divorce Court.
True Blood: 10
Twilight: 9

Love Is In The Air: The Best and Worst TV Couples

Valentine's Day is upon us, and it's a holiday about which I feel conflicted. On one hand, it's grossly over-commercialized and filled with pressure. But on the other, it is nice to celebrate your significant other – and I have no complaints about flowers and candy, even if they are a little cliche.

So to celebrate my wishy-washiness about Cupid's big day, I'm highlighting five TV relationships (from still-airing programs) that seem destined for success, and five that give love a bad name.

I love:

Tara and Max, United States of Tara
As this series is new, we're still seeing their relationship unfold, but the back story is that Max and Tara have been married for almost 20 years. And while they have their speed bumps (see: her multiple personalities, Buck, T and Alice), their bond has clearly been strong enough to perservere. They have the same struggles as any other long time couple, but seem committed to making it work.

Dwight and Angela, The Office.
Jim and Pam are sweet, but boring. The best thing about Dwight and Angela is that they're both anal nerds at heart, but also have no problem shagging on company time every now and then. Plus, their whole dynamic together is so awkward that it seems like a perfect fit. I want them to officially get back together.

Sookie and Bill, True Blood.
From the first time they met, you could sense the connection between telepathic Sookie and vampire Bill. Yes, he's robbing the cradle, he bites Sookie during sex and isn't readily available for brunch dates. But he also regularly saves her life and appears to be pretty good in the sack. This is the ultimate bad-boy, good girl coupling.

Bill, Barb, Nikki and Margene, Big Love
Obviously, polygamy isn't for everyone. But this foursome have better, more functional relationships than many duos we know in real life. They work together and are unconditionally supportive of each other. Plus, there's always someone around to watch the kids, clean the house, make dinner and have sex with Bill. Sometimes one lady doesn't feel up to doing all of those things in one night.

Tom and Lynette, Desperate Housewives
It would have been easy for Tom and Lynette to call it quits, what with their ever-changing careers, hell-on-wheels children, the neighborhood drama and the stress of Lynette's cancer. But in the mess that is Wisteria Lane, the Scavos always find a way to make it work and be the most stable, loving couple on the block.


I loathe:

Izzie and Denny's ghost, Grey's Anatomy
Izzie's affair with her dead lover may or may not be a figment of her imagination, but it's still among the worst storylines ever. I don't even watch this show anymore, but have still heard about this plot a million times and nobody seems to like it. Ghost sex is not romantic, it's creepy.

Kath and Phil,Kath and Kim
Sure, we chuckle when they do their speed walking exercise routine together, but these two social misfits and their gross PDA are just too nauseating to watch. There's someone for everyone, but these two should be hidden away.

Christian and Liz, Nip/Tuck
Surely, this story line can't have much traction, but I hate even watching it play out. I wouldn't wish Christian upon anyone, especially not a lesbian taking her first foray into hetero relations in years. Liz is way too good for this egomaniacal womanizer, and no matter how strong she is, her heart and pride are bound to end up in tatters.

Larry and Cheryl, Curb Your Enthusiasm
Speaking of too good, what can Cheryl possibly see in Larry? He's a selfish, bumbling, insensitive man – and, let's face it, he's not winning any beauty contests, either. Their separation last season added some realistic depth to the show. I love both characters, but I'm glad they're not together.

Silas and neighbor lady, Weeds
Show of hands: Who else is grossed out by 17-year-old Silas mounting the older, MILF, sandwich lady in a room full of weed and cold cuts? Not only is it unsanitary, it's kinda depraved. Silas has obvious mommy issues because his own madre is so emotionally unavailable.

Creep-fest: Dexter Morgan vs. Bill Compton

Halloween is coming, so it seems like a great time to assess our two favorite blood-obsessed creepies from cable television: Dexter Morgan of Dexter and Bill Compton, the resident vampire of True Blood.

Each of these gentlemen is charming in his own way. But when you look at the big picture, they're still not the kind of guys you'd want for neighbors or anything. Let's face it: They both come with a lot of baggage.

But if you had to live next door to one of them, who is your best bet? Who's the most productive member of society? Glad you asked.

I've rated Dex and Bill in various categories to determine which killer is the best for the general population.

AFTER DARK ACTIVITIES: If Dexter's out at night, he's usually carving somebody up, stalking his next victim, or trying to cover up the fact that he's been on a murdering spree.

Bill, on the other hand, is probably just indulging his super-strong vampire libido by getting laid. I'm sure Bill runs all his errands at night, too, since he can't do them during daylight. And being that he's so polite, he'd probably even bring you back a pint of Ben & Jerry's from Walgreens if you asked him real nice.

Dexter, 0; Bill, 1

EMOTIONAL AVAILABILITY: Dexter admits he doesn't really have feelings. In order to propose to his girlfriend in a believable way, Dexter had to mimic the words and emotions of a recent crime scene victim. How romantic!

Bill, on the other hand, is no stranger to loving relationships and family life -- it's just that he hasn't really done it since he the time of the Civil War. But even though he's dead (undead?), he's still more emotionally alive than Dexter.

Dexter, 0; Bill, 2


BENEFITS/CONSEQUENCES OF BEING THEIR FRIEND: Dexter's social skills leave something to be desired, and if his secret is eventually revealed, you will forever be known as "that guy who was best friends with the worst serial killer in Miami history." But he's incredibly loyal to those he loves. And who knows? He may even protect you when you don't even know you need it (See: Debra and the Ice Truck Killer, or Angel and Lila.)

Bill's social ills are right out there in the open, so you know what you're getting into right away. He's 173 years old and a great conversationalist, so he could regale pals with hours of historical tales. But being friends with and/or dating Bill comes with social ramifications -- such as being called a Fangbanger -- and it also means that other, scarier vampires may show up at any time. No, thanks!

Dexter, 1; Bill, 2.

MAINSTREAMING: Dexter makes all the right moves to fit in: He's gainfully employed (as a crime fighter, no less!), he has a girlfriend/family, drives a mini-van and appears to lead a normal, middle America life.

Bill is polite and well-spoken. And even though he can seemingly travel at the speed of sound on his own, he drives a sweet BMW. Still, he's jobless, will never be able to meet you for brunch (daylight!)... and he sleeps in the floorboards of his house and drinks blood from a bottle. There's no contest.

Dexter 2; Bill, 2.

CLEAN-UP FACTOR: Dexter prepares for his bloodbaths using plastic tarps and duct tape. He maintains laser-like precision as he's dicing fools up.

Bill usually strikes without much warning, but can clean up his messes pretty well with his mouth.

Frankly, there are no guarantees when it comes to killing. With both men, you run the risk of seeing them covered in blood, which is not an 'it' accessory during any season. It's a draw.

Dexter, 2; Bill, 2

USE OF SKILLS: When it comes to murder, Dexter lives by a strict moral code. He only offs people who have gotten away with murder themselves. So technically, he's using his evil for good. Even though it's possible that he's killed more people than his victims combined.

Bill also eschews the habits of his more evil peers. He makes an effort to blend into society, and drinks synthetic blood to avoid feasting on humans. Bill won't use his bewitching skills unless it's absolutely necessary to save himself or a loved one, and he will defend humans against other vampires.

When all is said and done, though, there are probably more murderers running lose than vampires, making one man more useful to society.

Dexter, 3; Bill, 2.

Sorry, Bill. I still love you anyway.