Thank You, VH1

So, VH1 has been running these shows all week that feature the Top 100 One-Hit Wonders from the 1980s. Now, I have a shitload of 80s pop on my iPod -- so much that I thought I could never be missing any songs that used to give me such cheesy pop pleasure back in the day.

I was wrong! I found myself jotting down all kinds of tunes that I didn't have. How could I be missing "99 Luftballoons" by Nena? "Supersonic" by JJ Fad? "Tenderness" by General Public?

Anyway, then I started reminiscing and realized I was missing tons of other tunes, too. Like Joan Jett's "Bad Reputation," "Jack & Diane" by John Mellencamp. I had no Huey Lewis & the News tunes, only two by Duran Duran and no "Footloose?" Blasphemy! No 80s playlist is complete without such things.

I have totally been living in the past. But it's been nice, because my present has been super-suckfest for the past couple of days. Now, I'm heading back over to iTunes to grab a few more songs.

Project Runway: Hip-hop hooray! Wait... what is hip-hop?

It's been a long time since I so thoroughly enjoyed an episode of Project Runway.

With five designers left, the challenge was a recipe for drama and disaster: They had to make outfits for each other. And to further the complications, each garment was to be inspired by a different music genre.

Also, LL Cool J -- who is starting his own clothing line -- was the guest judge. And I cannot complain about any program that provides eye candy like that.

Anyway, here's how it all shook down. Jerell would be creating a pop look for Kenley. Kenley was to make a hip-hop ensemble for Leanne. Leanne was charged with making a country outfit for Korto. Korto was assigned a punk outfit for Suede. And Suede would make a rock look for Jerell.

From there, it was pure comedy, starting with Leanne and Kenley trying to figure out what hip-hop looked like. Kenley: "What would you want to wear if you were a hip-hop artist?" Leanne: "I'll totally do all gangster." Kenley: "I think everyone is wearing high-waisted jeans right now, and it's going to be awesome." Has Kenley actually ever seen a hip-hop video?

Then Leanne busts the worst rhyme that has ever been televised in the history of the world. I was so embarrassed for her, I had to close my eyes.

Back to Kenley: "I'm going to do something really cool that looks good on her. I'm not going to make her look like a fool." Clearly, Kenley has never seen rappers Eve (who has become a bit of a style icon) or Queen Latifah, who is a freakin' Cover Girl.

Later, Kenley asks Leanne to try on her jeans and discovered the crotch was insanely baggy and ill-fitting. When Kenley grabbed the extra fabric, Leanne exclaimed: "You're grabbing my crotch Kenley!" Finally! Ladies, crotch-grabbing is totally hip-hop.

On to the runway... and in honor of LL Cool J (swoon), we've assigned one of his songs to describe each look.

"Big Ole Butt" -- Leanne

Song quote: "When I went home, I kissed my girl on the cheek/but in the back of my mind it was this big butt freak."

As a woman with some junk in her trunk, I meant this song assignment in the nicest possible way. Leanne did Korto and her ample backside proud with a figure-flattering skirt/top/belt/scarf outfit. The judges didn't think it was country enough, but it hugged her curves well.

"Why Do You Think They Call It Dope?" -- Jerell

Song quote: "You better take a chill and observe the skill/of the man who can, so understand.... damn."

Jerell's fishnet laden minidress for Kenley was bangin'. I'll just let him describe it for himself. "Kenley Spears would be rocking this at Madison Square Garden and then probably be kickin' her panties off in the back of a limosine. That's the kind of outfit I've created."

"Dear Yvette" – Kenley

Song quote: "I'm glad you ain't my sister, then again if you was/I'd have to treat you like you was my distant cuz."

Not only is Kenley a witch to everyone on the show, her badly-crafted design also revealed how completely out of touch she is with pop culture.

"It Gets No Rougher" – Suede

Song quote: "Your battleship is sinkin' in quicksand/Strappin' to the bottom like a two-ton anchor."

Suede's rock and roll pants/tank/vest outfit was OK, but lacked the accessories and edge needed to wow the judges. He got the boot.

"I'm Bad"– Korto

Song quote: "I'm the pinnacle, that means I reign supreme/I'm notorious, I'll crush you like a jellybean!"

After making perfectly-fitting metallic black jeans for Suede, Korto distressed them with bleach and paired them with a well thought out top. She topped the whole thing off with tons of chains. She's declared the winner.

Me So Hungry

If someone told me in 1990 that 2 Live Crew's Luther Campbell would eventually have a show on mainstream television, I would have soiled my MC Hammer pants.

I can picture myself standing there, shaking my head back and forth while my enormous, ratted AquaNet-saturated bangs remain motionless. "No way! The guy who's essentially responsible for parental advisory stickers? The guy with songs called 'We Want Some Pussy' and 'The Fuck Shop'? Never. Gonna. Happen."

Fast forward 18 years, and here we are: Luke's Parental Advisory is slated to appear later this year on VH1. At this point, I shouldn't be surprised. Snoop Dogg, Flavor Flav and DMX have all had TV shows, and their notorious activities make Luke's obscenities seem as harmless as vanilla frosted cupcakes. With sprinkles.

Yes, the sky has been falling for a long time -- and I, for one, could not be more delighted! Here are some other erstwhile rappers/shows I'd set my DVR for.

Sir Mix-a-Lot in Baby Got Back
Mix recently told a small Washington newspaper that he likes to summon women up on stage when he performs his signature anthem, but "it's a little hard when I don't have butts to look at and reference to when I'm doing it." Sacrilege! He clearly needs a reality contest to find him a trunk full of junk that's worth taking on tour. Kim Kardashian can help judge.

Vanilla Ice in Breakin' to the Extreme
If there's one thing we learned from his appearances on The Surreal Life or MTV's 25 Lame, it's that Rob Van Winkle LOVES to destroy things (including, but not limited to, his "career"). So why not exploit his anger management issues for entertainment value? We'd like to see him in an interactive show where he annihilates items chosen by viewers, like a Ford Pinto or a storage ottoman or Amy Winehouse's hair helmet.

The Ying Yang Twins in Celebrity Circus: The Freakshow Edition
Step right up, folks! Feast your eyes on men who have more things living in their creepy facial hair than a polygamist ranch! Also this season on Celebrity Circus: George Hamilton (The World's Tallest Oompa Loompa!); Tori Spelling (The Incredible Horse-Faced Woman!); and Pete Doherty (A Real-Life Chemistry Experiment!)

Lil Jon in Size Does Matter
Lil Jon should host this program, where aging rappers whose monikers begin with Lil (Kim, Cease, Jon, Romeo, Bow Wow, Scrappy, Wayne, etc.) compete in Survivor-style challenges. Top prizes include a new pimp cup and a name-changing seminar with P. Diddy and Prince.

MC Hammer in So You Think YOU Can Dance?
Sure, he's become a bit of a punchline (how do you go from having 30 million dollars to filing for bankruptcy?), but one thing can't be denied: MC Hammer smoked mofos on the dance floor. He should consider coaching a Biggest Loser-style fitness show. I was a freakin' twig when the running man was popular, plus watching people do the Roger Rabbit is funny.

Young MC in One Hit Wonder
Cameras follow Young MC while he tracks what's become of his infamous tune,"Bust A Move." He finds the song in various karaoke bars around the country being butchered by frat boys wearing flipped-up collars and strategically ripped jeans. This horrifying experience drive Young MC to alcohol, priming him for an appearance on A&E's Intervention.

Cowboy Troy in No Shame in My Game
The self-proclaimed "hick-hop" artist has somehow fashioned a career from making crappy music that is reviled by hip-hop and country fans alike. No Shame features the music mangler as a consultant that advises businessmen about how to market things that only one percent of people want, such as really small wine glasses, stirrup pants and a one-piece bandanna and wig set.

Dead woman walking

Last weekend, Kyle and I went to a huge outdoor concert that lasted almost 12 hours. Back in the day, I'd be all over this kind of thing, drinking beer and inhaling things that may or may not be legal with plenty of energy to spare.

I haven't been to a show like that in about six or seven years. And I think the last one might have been **shudder** the Dave Matthews Band -- a band for people who hate good music.

Anyway, I don't think I can hack that shit ever again, so I'm really glad I just bought a cute Tribe Called Quest shirt as a souvenir. I should probably get it framed in a shadow box with a plaque that says July 19, 2008: The day Maisy bid adieu to her youth.

HERE'S HOW I REALIZED AGE HAD TAKEN ITS TOLL:

1. When given the option of being at the stagefront in "the pit," I didn't even consider it for one second. I looked at Kyle and said, "I want real seats!"

2. I used to see underage girls wearing coochie-cutter shorts, a bikini top and and platform stiletto heels at an outdoor amphitheater and think, "What a dumb fucking skank." Now, I think "That dumb fucking skank is gonna ruin her feet walking around here in those shoes all day."

3. I was at the peak of my enjoyment/energy around 5 p.m. By the time the biggest acts hit the stage, my hip and my hop had been tragically seperated.

4. When performers wanted me to pump my fist in the air or clap my hands, I immediately thought of Steve Harvey's bit from "The Original Kings of Comedy." He said: "You know what I don't like about a rap show? ... There's too many damn instructions. 'Pump it up, pump it up! Everybody side step! Put your hands in the air and wave 'em like you just don't care! Everybody say hoooo! Pump it up, pump it up! Everybody scream!' Motherfucker, for what? I paid $38.50 to be here. You scream."

5. This is, by far, the most embarrassing one: I couldn't WAIT for an act to end so I could just sit down and rest again.

My body has since recovered, but I can't say the same about my pride.

Happy trails

I'm heading out tomorrow morning to go to this: www.guerillaunion.com/rockthebells/!



It's near Chicago and we have pretty awesome seats.



I'm stoked!



Have a nice weekend.

Do you know what today is?

It's our anniversary.... it's our anniversary.

Remember that 1993 song by Tony! Toni! Tone!? Anyone? Nevermind.

Anyway, we've been muhrried three years now. I can say "muhrried" like it's perfectly normal because I live in Kentucky.

Kyle had to work tonight, but we met up for a quick dinner at Cafe Lou Lou. When I went out to my car afterward, there was a big bouquet of flowers on the driver's seat of my car. He rules.

Our real anniversary celebration, however, is coming up in a couple of weeks. We're taking a weekend jaunt up to Chicago to go to this totally awesome show featuring every hip-hop act I could ever ask for on one roster. We might be the oldest ones there, but since it's mostly old-school acts, I'm hoping we're not total geriatrics.

Whee!

Random music thoughts for Thursday

I've been thinking a lot about music during the past week.

First, my new friend JacQue and I have been talking about RZA's new single (and can I just add that she's the only woman I've ever met who loves Wu-Tang Clan as much as me? It's awesome!). Second, Javacia wrote a blog about Soulja Boy/Ice-T/hip-hop that made me think a little bit too.

So I've been listening a lot more carefully the past couple of days, really absorbing it instead of having it on as a backdrop while I drive around and talk to people on my cell phone. Here are some random words/phrases you never hear in music and make me smile when they pop up: Buffoonery (Jay-Z); Tally ho (Method Man); cerebral cortex (RZA); humdinger (Saigon); scallywag (J-Ro); jingle-jangle (Tash).

Also, in hip-hop, people are always debating their top five (or top 10) artists of all time. I've always found that impossible to do; my top lists have always been separated into categories because I like different artists for different reasons. As of today, my lists are as follows and are in no particular order.


Favorite lyricists:
Nas
Slick Rick
Jay-Z
Boots Riley (The Coup)
Biggie
Inspectah Deck
Redman
Tash
Method Man
Talib Kweli
Mad Skillz
Andre 3000
Lupe Fiasco


My favorite voices:
Method Man
RZA
Snoop Dogg
Lyrics Born
Chali 2na
Snaggapuss
Slick Rick
Andre 3000
Q-Tip
U-God
Ghostface Killah


Dopest flow:
Slick Rick
Mr. Cheeks
Method Man
Busta Rhymes
Ghostface Killah
Mos Def
Chali 2na
Del
Bahamadia
Freddie Foxxx
Ludacris