Just wondering...

Did Jerry (Big Brother 10) bring a change of clothes? Because in 52 days, I'm not sure that I've seen him wear anything but that sleeveless Marines shirt.

I have seen enough old guy armpit to last me a lifetime.

Cats vs. Cards... who cares? For once, I do.

So, this morning I ran over to Kroger to get some butter in order to make my mom's delicious banana bread recipe.

It was about 10 a.m., and the store was packed with people wearing either UofL or UK garb, who appeared to be stocking up for food and tailgating supplies for today's big game.

But two teenage girls who were walking in front of me caught my eye. One had on a University of Louisville t-shirt with shorts, and a ponytail holder with a cardinal on it. No big deal.

However, her friend was hooched out to the nth degree in Univeristy of Kentucky-wear. She had on a blue and white striped tube top with a blue, micro-mini cheerleading skirt that would reveal her ass cheeks with one small breeze. Blue and white legwarmers (with UK written around the top of them), flip flops, and a UK backpack completed her ridiculous outfit, which also included a Girls Next Door white-blonde dye job.

It was a little much, but I was like, Whatever, they're teenagers! She may not know any better yet.

So I get up to the checkstand, and guess who gets behind me in line?

Seeing them for the first time from the front, I was horrified to discover that the UK offender was the other girl's mother! Her body was great, but she looked like she was about 40 years old in the face. She had on about 10 pounds of bright pink blush on top of everything else. Her husband was there, too, and he was also wearing some overkill crazed-fan outfit that involved blue hair and and a blue moustache. (But at least he wasn't half-naked.)

No wonder that teen girl was rooting for U of L! It's probably her only way to rebel against her embarrassing parental units.

I was pissed, of course. I never, ever leave the house without my (camera) phone... except on the one day I would have loved to use it.

Normally, I don't give a shit who wins these Kentucky rivalry games. I'm not from here, so I have no vested interest whatsoever. But today, I'll be rooting for Louisville -- all because that little girl deserves to shame her parents a little bit.

Project Runway: Revs My Engine

I have to admit: I wasn't real excited during the first 10 minutes of Project Runway, when I learned that contestants would be making garments out of car parts. It seemed like yet another shameless plug, of which there have been tons this season. This time, it was for Saturn, one of the show's sponsors.

With no time to concoct a plan, designers had to collect their materials out of a bunch of parked Saturns, then go back to the workroom and figure out what to do. And the results made me shift into high gear.

But first, we learned more interesting tidbits about a few of the designers: Suede (whose ‘wackadoodle' count this season is now at four) uses a flat iron to create his ridiculous hairdo. And Stella has a boyfriend named Ratbones, which does not surprise me in the least.

For fun this week, I've equated the outfits to vehicles. Vroom, vroom!:

Kenley: Pontiac Fiero. Remember these cute little sports cars, which were basically made of plastic? Well, Kenley's skirt – constructed from air filters on which she hand-drew zebra stripes – was adorable. But if her model sat down in it or took too big of a stride, the whole thing would come undone... just like the Fiero in a car accident.

Korto: Toyota Corolla. The judges loved her chic coat dress, made from beige seatbelts woven together. But it reminded me of those woven seatbelt purses that have been around for years. The Corolla boasts wonderful craftsmanship, too, but haven't you seen a million of them already?

Joe: Pontiac Aztec. It's not the worst-running car ever driven, but it's for sure one of the most hideous. If I were riding in it – even as a passenger – I'd be wearing a disguise. Maybe something along the lines of Joe's icky frock, which was motocross meets fugly. Good thing he has immunity this week.

Blayne: Kia Optima. The Optima looks nice on the outside, but let's face it: there are a whole lot of abandoned Kias on the side of the road. Blayne used broken mirrors to create a fun embellishment on his seatbelt gown... but it wasn't enough to camouflage this ill-fitting monstrosity that belonged in a junkyard.

Suede: Ford Crown Victoria. Suede did okay considering what he had to work with. But in the real world, his black top and blinding, silver, shredded skirt would warrant an arrest by the fashion police.

Terri: Harley Davidson V-Rod Muscle. Terri's halter and pants set – made from seat cushions, carpets, cargo netting – are elegant, but edgy and urban, too. She'd look right at home driving this bike, or out on the town kicking some ass.

Jerell: Smart Car. His futuristic bustier and skirt feel fresh and innovative ... and they're also very small. But if he parked his model in a lot, everyone would gather around to oooh and aaah.

Leanne: Bentley Continental GTC. I'm shocked. Boring Leanne turns out a car seat, cushion and seatbelt minidress that's luxe, eye-catching and curvy. It could be totally overpriced and people would still want it. She's this week's winner.

Stella: AMC Pacer. This week, everyone's favorite leatha-master departed from her usual MO to try and make something pretty. Instead, she made a skirt and vest that went together about as well as people who have taste and the AMC Pacer. Still, she survives the bottom two, so Ratbones is on his own for at least another week.

Keith: Ford Pinto. Keith should have pumped his brakes with the whining this week. He was so focused on the judges' criticisms from the last challenge that he created an outfit hr thought they'd want to see, instead of a garment he wanted to make. His plan sputtered and backfired – just like a Pinto.

Keith was auf'ed, but not without a whole lot of weeping, making for only a slightly less embarrassing departure than Michael on Design Star, who cried out for his mommy when he was booted from the show over the summer.

It's Almost Labor Day. Think About These Bosses Instead Of Yours.

Labor Day is upon is, and let's be honest: What gainfully employed person doesn't enjoy this holiday that recognizes worker bees? So, in honor of all the little people, we've decided to round up some of our favorite and least favorite TV bosses.

Don't get me wrong. I love to watch everyone on this list... but I definitely wouldn't want to work for some of them.

BEST:

Tony Almeida, 24
Perhaps the fairest and most good-hearted TV boss I've seen, Almeida tops my list because he's a champion for his employees, and he isn't afraid to stick it to The Man. Not to mention that during season three, Almeida was shot in the neck, slipped into a coma, and miraculously awoke and returned to work a few hours later. Talk about setting an example for work ethic! With a boss like that, there's no way you could call in sick with cramps or a measly ol' flu bug.

Sam Malone, Cheers
With infinite charisma, an easy-going demeanor and great sense of humor, Malone would be really easy to work for. He easily navigated various personalties including spitfire Carla, dumb-as-rocks Woody and neurotic brain Diane. And somehow, he always managed to diffuse Diane/Carla wars with a lighthearted ease. But the true test of Malone's character was determined by the fact that everyone – customers, employees and yes, the ladies – seemed to like him. It's hard not to respect a guy like that.

Gil Grissom, CSI
Sure, his obsession with bugs is a little creepy and he's kind of a know-it-all. But his vast knowledge benefits his charges. For instance, if Grissom has something figured out, he doesn't just tell his employees straight up. Instead, he asks leading questions that enable them to discover answers for themselves. You know, 'teach a man to fish' and all that. He's also understanding when employees have personal problems, yet he doesn't meddle too much in things that aren't his business. His biggest downfall: The icky things he keeps in his office, such as an enbalmed fetal pig, a two-headed scorpion and a tarantula. Um, can we conduct our meeting in the break room, please?

WORST:

Ari Gold, Entourage
Ari is Vincent Chase's cut-throat agent on Entourage. And Ari's assistant, Lloyd, is one of the most put-upon employees in TV history. Ari is constantly making disparaging remarks about Lloyd's race and sexual orientation, and in general, belittling him to no end. Most of the things he says to Lloyd (and other employees) aren't fit for print, but here's one tame barb he tossed at Lloyd: "You look like Michelle Kwan in drag. Why don't you do a triple axle over to the phone and try Cameron again?" Is there a big enough paycheck in the world for that?

Michael Scott, The Office
At first glance, Michael Scott might seem like an okay supervisor. He's a bumbling, inappropriate fool who cares more about his popularity than he does about any actual work getting done. What other office do you know of where employees spend more time playing pranks and planning parties than they do working? Plus, being around Michael all day would make anyone feel pretty smart. But then you realize, ‘Hey, this guy is making three times what I make and he's a flippin' moron,' which instantly catapults him onto the Worst Boss list.

Maria LaGuerta, Dexter
As the lieutenant of the Miami Police Department's homicide division in season one of Dexter, LaGuerta bullied and intimidated her employees, hogged the media spotlight whenever she could, and tried to steal her captain's job. As a result, she was demoted and replaced by Esme Pascal. In season two, LaGuerta pretended to befriend Pascal, but was really angling to exploit the woman's instabilities -- which were partially due to the fact that Pascal's fiancé was cheating on her. With LaGuerta. Who dumped him the minute she was reinstated as leiutenant. I wonder if season three will reveal that MPD employees all updated their resumes and bookmarked www.careerbuilder.com on their computers.

Kelly Cutrone, The Hills
To aspiring stylists, working for Kelly Cutrone at her fashion/public relations company, People's Revolution, might seem like a dream job. That is, until you actually meet her. When Cutrone hired Whitney, she warned her she was "making a deal with the devil" and insinuated that Whitney would basically never sleep again. Cutrone often berates and humiliates her employees for life-altering mistakes such as wearing too much color or not making a phone call fast enough. Get over yourself, lady. At the end of the day, you deal with overpriced clothes. Can you imagine what a hag she'd be if she worked somewhere important, like a hospital?

Gay Pterodactyls Soar on Project Runway

My air conditioner konked out this morning, on a day when it was a hot and humid 96 degrees. Now, I’m sweating and frustrated and cooped up in the “man cave” in my basement because it’s cooler down here. You probably don’t care, but I bring it up to make a point.

For one hour, a quite entertaining episode of Project Runway made me postpone my plan to kidnap an air conditioner repairman from his home and family in the middle of the night to fix my problem. After a few weeks of relatively unmemorable Runway episodes, this was a refreshing change.

With former contestant Chris March as an advisor, the designers were charged with creating drag queen costumes. And for the first time since the very first grocery store challenge, the outfits were as interesting than the banter in the work room. And isn't that supposed to be the point of the show??

It’s worth noting that when March showed up, he was wearing a drag costume that was part opera singer (long, white, drapy dress), part Viking (Flavor Flav would be totally jealous of this helmet), and part Studio 54 (a halved disco ball served as bra cups).

Before we hit the runway with our special haiku critique, let’s hit a few work room highlights: Wearing one of the drag queen’s ginormous bras, Joe did a horrifying, rhythmless dance that could almost rival Elaine Benis’ on Seinfeld. I was going to rewind it in order to describe it better, but some things are best left in the past.

And when Tim Gunn came around the workroom, he stopped to comment at Blayne’s ensemble. “It looks like it’s a pterodactyl from a gay Jurassic Park.” The camera cuts to Blayne: "Tim has just given me the best compliment a person can get.” Considering the challenge, this is the first time I’ve agreed with Blayne all season.

Suede and his queen, Hedda Lettuce, have some drama over the lime green dress with matching gloves. Hey, drag isn’t the only word that goes before queen!

Daniel is “not worried about Tim’s critique.” When will these morons learn that Tim Gunn is always right?

Now, on to the runway – in haiku – where a very scary, overly-plastic-surgeried RuPaul served as guest judge.

Blayne:
Neon pink and blue;
a kite with fringe grows from the
back of this model.

Jerell:
Even with a tall, popped
collar, Jerell made drag seem
drab. Show us some leg!

Keith:
It looks like my cat
used Keith’s “dress” as a scratching
post. Still, Keith squeaks by.

Korto:
Fiery collar and
detachable skirt make a
great “woman in heat.”

Leanne:
Mel’s Diner meets Star
Trek in waitress outfit gone
wrong. Drag-tastic, though.

Suede:
Hedda Lettuce looks
more like Cabbage Patch in lime
green monstrosity.

Stella:
Underwhelming in
plaid and black, but better than
most of the others.

Terri:
Crazy kabuki dress
on seven foot queen. Truly
a lovely costume.

Kenley:
Silver sequins with
feathered collar are enough
to save her this week.

Joe:
“Ann-Margret plus Love
Boat” scores win, immunity.
Masks the man parts, too.

Daniel:
Stripper’s manicure
colors compose this cliche
cocktail dress. He’s out.

Here’s one more bonus haiku, before my brain melts out through my ear and onto this arm chair:

Maisy (that’s me!):
May be writing from
jail next week. Kidnapping
about to commence.

People get angry when it's hot

Summary haiku:

A/C on the fritz.
House is five million degrees.
Flee to the basement!

Downstairs "man cave" is
where we will live until the
repairman shows up.

Of course, this could not
happen last week when weather
was cool. What bullshit.

MTV Cribs: Gangsta Popsicles and Bedazzled Cow Skulls

Ever since we bought a house earlier this year, I've become a bit obsessed with checking out other people's homes. I've watched a whole lot of HGTV, but I'm not ashamed to admit that I still watch a little MTV Cribs now and then, too.

In addition to giving me some possible decorating ideas (thanks, Ali Landry), I've been re-reminded of how entertaining a segment of Cribs can be. Sometimes, you can forget all about the house. (Examples: when we discovered Joss Stone has a Rottweiler named Missy Elliott, or when Snoop Dogg declared "We keep it gangsta up in (the freezer): Popsicles, Leggo my Eggos."

Here are five highly entertaining episodes of Cribs that are worth checking out.

Bret Michaels:

The only real difference between the Rock of Love mansion and Bret Michaels' Arizona estate is that there are fewer half-naked skanks. Bret still rides his motorcycle through his house, wears his bandanna/wig set and displays his official "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" guitar. And when he walks in the kitchen, some classy young lady wearing a naughty nurse Halloween costume is fixing him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, sans crust. Nice.
House highlights: Outdoor pool table; a really cool, rugged coffee table; and the authentic cow skull that Bret's daughters bedazzled for him.
In the fridge: Salad spritzer, insulin and Starbucks frappuccinos.
Quote: "This is the '04 Mercedes s500. It has the most important thing when you live in the southwest. It has a system that actually refrigerates your butt cheeks."

Redman:
Talk about keeping it real. I've seen more put-together fraternity houses than this rapper's Staten Island townhouse – and I love it because Redman straight up does not care. He's got a big piles of clothes and miscellaneous stuff in the corners of his bedroom, living room and dining room. He irons on the floor; his closet is in shambles; and his video game systems are strewn all around, their entangled wires looking like a pack of cooked Ramen noodles. The most organized thing here is the home studio and DVD collection.
House highlights: Redman keeps a "dollar box" on top of his fridge, in case he needs money to run for the store for something. His doorbell must be hot wired to work.
Hygiene: Redman uses Noxema and Herbal Essences body wash. At least something gets cleaned here.
Quote: "The vibe I'm looking for in this apartment is bachelor's crib." Mission accomplished.

Mariah Carey
Mariah's Cribs is so ridiculous, it got its own half hour special. We see her magnificent Manhattan penthouse, but it's totally overshadowed by Mariah's constant outfit changes and bizarre behavior. She answered the door in a cocktail dress that needed some double-sided tape. She wore a sweatsuit for the kitchen and laundry room tour; a cream colored teddy during the tour of her lingerie closet and her birthday suit to show off her jacuzzi tub. But coup de gras is when she donned a super-short cocktail dress and four-inch stilettos, then proceeded to her gym and worked out on the stair stepper.
House highlights: View of the Empire State Building and the biggest closet ever made.
Quotes: "I've only used this shower once because there are too many knobs to figure out. ... I really don't know how to use most of this (exercise equipment)." Enjoy yourself, Nick Cannon. The intellectual conversation in your house must be quite stimulating.

Perez Hilton
Perez himself is actually kind of boring (did you seem him on Celebrity Rap Superstar? Lame!). But when he answered his door wearing a big, furry robe and bunny slippers, his Cribs seemed promising. The self-proclaimed "gossip gangsta" showed off his minimalist-style apartment, during which time he raved about the "#1 Son" magnet his mother got him. Oh wait, did I mention his mother showed up as well? Some people have over their homies during Cribs... Perez wears a robe and invites his mom. Personally, though, we were more intrigued by his kitchen counter, which was empty except for a bottle of vodka a lot of dog treats.
House highlights: His second bedroom, which has been converted into a closet; and a pink Hello Kitty guitar.
Quote: "A California King bed is the only size big enough for this queen."

Dale Earnhardt, Jr.
To Dale Earnhardt Jr., the poker room and the dining room are one and the same. "There's a top that goes on this poker table in case you want to eat dinner, but we never do that," he said. Shortly after, we heard the potential reason why: "Nobody ever taught me how to cook. Sometimes I have to force myself to eat it." He redeemed himself later by showing off the miniature Western town that he built on his property – seriously, it's like a Deadwood set – which is perhaps the most unique addition we've seen to any celebrity home. Among other things, Dale's "Whiskey River" town has its own saloon, hotel and jail. The party possibilities here are endless.
House highlights: Corvette collection, his basement chill room based on a painting from 'Good Times' and two pet buffalo named Laverne and Shirley.
In the fridge: Budweiser, Bud Light, Amp, Jell-O Pudding Pops, and barbecued ribs from the Rendezvous restaurant in Memphis.
Quote: "I like books. They're good for when you're in the john." Or in jail.

Project Runway produces outfits, Halloween costume

Not a full minute into “Project Runway” and Blayne is already annoying. “Team Dramaliiiiicious,” he says, walking out of the apartment door. I haven’t readied the proper snacks and libations to deal with this foolishness so early in the show. Speaking of minutes:

9:02 p.m. The designers go to meet Heidi Klum so they can learn about their next challenge. She tells them they’ll be designing an outfit for “a high-powered and glamorous professional woman.”
Blayne: “I just don’t want it to be Hillary Clinton because I would never win if I made a neon pantsuit.” Correction: You’ll never win with a neon pantsuit no matter who it’s for.
They go to the work room to meet the high-powered business woman, but first they take guesses at who it might be: Heidi Klum? Nancy Grace? Joan Rivers?
9:03: Stella: “I would like to design for Sharon Osbourne, Queen of Rock. She’s a businesswoman.”
Nope, it’s Brooke Shields.Suede busts out some trivia: “I, of course, love Brooke because she was a Calvin Klein model. ‘Nothing comes between me and my Calvins!’”(Isn’t it tragic, though, that nobody will come between Suede and his fauxhawk?)

9:04: Brooke tells designers they are to create a look for her character, Wendy, on Lipstick Jungle. Wendy is a studio executive/musician’s wife, who needs an outfit that can “carry her from day to night.” And, they’ll be working in teams!

9:10: The prize for this challenge: Shields’ character will wear the winning outfit in an episode of Lipstick Jungle. “Everyone wants that,” Terri says. Sure, if you say so.
After seeing all 12 sketches, Brooke chooses Keith, Korto, Jerell, Terri, Kelli and Blayne to make the outfits.

9:16: Jerell asks: “Who doesn’t want their outfit worn on national TV?” Jerell, FYI, that’s what you’re doing on Project Runway right now.

9:19: Suede, who is partners with Terri, is whining in a nasally voice. He’s “really uncomfortable” cutting the fabric for their draped shirt.
Terri doesn’t have time for it: “I don’t know what he’s packing – balls or va-jay-jay – be he needs to work that out. ... Please, man up.”

9:22: Daniel is Kelli’s partner and the skirt he made looks like it’s rumbled with a Weed Wacker. “Daniel made this skirt – half ruched, half not. The zipper’s all schwabbly. It’s a mess. It’s destroyed.” She tells him to make a different one.

9:23: Terri to Suede: “This whole back is jacked up Everything Suede seems to be touching is not gold.” Oh God! Suede’s third-person-speak is rubbing off on her: “If it’s between Terri going home and Suede going home, it’s peace out.”

9:28: Back from commercial break, Tim Gunn is making his rounds. Blayne to Tim: “Holla at your boy!” Holla at my fist, Blayne.

9:42: Runway time! Here come the outfits, which are, for the most part, underwhelming.

9:45: OMG! Jerell is wearing a pink and white flowered nightgown with an asymmetrical hem, over a pair of pants and underneath a grody vest. What the hell is that?

9:47: Kelli and Daniel have combined black and leopard print fabrics with turquoise lace to create a trampy bustier. It’s paired with a black pencil skirt and leopard-trimmed jacket and turquoise belt.
The judges love it!
Brooke: “It looks so much cheaper than I thought it could look.”
Nina: “You can’t get taste if you don’t have it.”
Michael: “Slutty, slutty, slutty.”
Truly, it’s awful.

9:49: Blayne and Leanne turn in a snoozefest of out outfit that’s centered around a pair of ugly Bermuda shorts. Heidi summed up how all of us were feeling: “She looked like a woman that didn’t have a mirror. It was really dark and she just grabbed things and put them on.”

9:56: Keith and Kenley are deemed the winners with their scalloped fringe skirt and convertible floral top. Their outfit will appear on season 2 Lipstick Jungle. I know you’re setting your DVR right now.

9:57: Kelli and Blayne are in the bottom two. The judges hate her taste so much that she’s out. Turns out schwabbly zippers were the least of her problems. She should turn her outfit into one of those Halloween costumes you buy in a bag. They could call it “After-Five Party Girl” or “Business-Slut.” Or something.

Preview for next week: They’re making costumes for drag queens! I wish I could get in a time machine and go to next Wednesday right now!

See ya, Bernie

I admit it: I was probably late coming to the Bernie Mac party.

The first time I heard him do stand-up was in during the 2000 The Original Kings of Comedy documentary. From the moment I saw that movie, Mac shot up my list of favorite funny guys.

It wasn't just his knack for storytelling, or his crazy facial expressions or his profanity-laden routines. He spoke the absolute truth in hilarious ways and he didn't apologize for it. "I'm saying what you're scared to say," he said in Kings. "Fun is fun. Jokes is jokes. This is just expression."

And when he finally scored his own sitcom, The Bernie Mac Show on Fox, we saw another side of him: A man who is just as ridiculously talented, even without the cussing and sex jokes.

So when I heard Saturday morning that he'd died, I was shocked and sad, and most of all, pissed that I'd never get to him utter another perfectly-delivered joke.

When I'm done being sad, though, I'll laugh. Because, of course, that's what Bernie would have wanted.

Here are five things I learned from Bernie Mac.

1. It's OK to want nice stuff. The premise of the award-winning The Bernie Mac Show is that he and his wife take in his sister's three kids (Vanessa, Jordan and Bryana) while she's in rehab. In the first episodes, the kids arrive to the house and he gives them a tour. When he gets to the media room, he says this:
"You are not to touch my stuff without my permission...Don't' touch my TV. Don't touch my DVD. Don't touch my dual-deck VCR. Don't touch the remote that works the TV, DVD, and dual deck VCR. Don't even look at it. When you walk past it, close your eyes. Don't touch my old school, my new school, my slow jams, my party jams, my happy rap, and you betta not touch my James Brown of somebody's gonna get hurt."
Lesson: Electronics and music are expensive and can be sentimental as well. Kids need to learn this from an early age.

2. Don't take your mom for granted.
Bernie Mac's comedy often was brash, largely based on his impatience with, well, everything. But at the end of the day, he was a nice guy with a big heart. When he was interviewed on the Tavis Smiley's show, he told a story about what made him want to do comedy: His mother, who died when he was a high school sophomore, was sick with breast cancer. He was sitting on her lap, and she was crying. Then, Bill Cosby came on TV and his mother was able to laugh. The little Mac told her: "I'm gonna be a comedian, so you'll never cry again."
Lesson: I continue to be grateful my mother is still alive after she suffered a traumatic brain injury in 1995. I try to make her laugh as much as possible.

3. Life is funny. Bernie Mac wrote comedy about real life, often about his colorful family. He reminded me that when the world is going nuts around you, it's not only advisable, but necessary to have a sense of humor about it. And that's truly therapeutic when you have a small family with a high concentration of crazies (mom not included), or a job that can produce its fair share of lunatics.
Lesson: As long as I present the information in the right way, I may not have to wait for my whole family to pass on before writing a book loosely based on them.

4. Cake is dangerous. During my favorite episode of his sitcom, "Now You Got It," Bernie takes every precaution to keep from getting sick when all the kids from Bryana's birthday party are passing around cold germs (which were visable, flourescent green floaties in the show). Relieved that the shindig is finally over, Mac goes to the kitchen and eats a piece of birthday cake -- which, of course, is coated with the germs because a kid had sneezed all over it. Mac is forced to stay home with Bryana instead of going to Las Vegas with his friends.
Lesson: Not only does cake have a lot of calories, it can keep you from winning a lot of money at Blackjack or running into K-Fed at Pure.

5. Tough love is the way to go. I cringe when I see parents let bratty kids call the shots or run loose like wild banshees. (If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: Going to Wal-Mart on a Saturday is the best birth control in the world.) Mac might have been a little tough on the kids in his show, but at least he was invested in what they were doing. And when it mattered (such as when his sister stood up her children for visits), he was a nurturing uncle who tended to the kids' physical and emotional wounds.
Lesson: There's a happy medium between old-school child-rearing and being considered a "cool parent." (Someone remind me of this when I have kids, because I'm kind of a pushover.)

See ya in the funny papers, Uncle Bernie.

The world is a less funny place

Bernie Mac died today. I actually cried about this one. He was one of my all-time favorites.

First George Carlin, now this. Summer 2008 has been a crappy time for comedy fans.

Project Runway turns designers into fashletes!

In perhaps the timeliest challenge ever, Project Runway designers were charged Wednesday night with creating ensembles that could be worn by United States athletes during opening ceremonies of the Olympic games.

To garner inspiration, Tim Gunn took the “fashletes” on a field trip to The Armory Track & Field Center Museum, which contained myriad historical photographs. (We were the only ones that were shocked that Daniel had never, ever seen an opening ceremony in his life? “I’m guessing someone holds a flame and runs around a track field.” Has he ever owned a TV?)

Apolo Ohno, whom Heidi Klum called “one of the most stylish gold medalists ever” told the fashletes about the challenge and served as a guest judge. (And eye candy.) So in honor of this sporting challenge, we present the special medal ceremony recap of Project Runway.

“I’ll Be Ready For Botox by Age 24" medal: No shocker here, it’s Blayne! “Other people go to the gym, I go tanning. ...In tanning, I am an Olympic athlete. It only goes to a bronze medal. ... I’m getting paler and paler and weaker and weaker. By the end of the season, I’m going to be like, frail, white.” And while I’m curious to see the Caucasian version of Blayne, I really don’t need to see any more of his underwhelming designs. I think he’s coasted through this thing so far, don’t you?

“Cry Me a River” medal: Gosh, Joe, I hope you left some Kleenex for the rest of the designers with all that whining. “My workspace is right behind Daniel and Kenley, and they’re constantly laughing and making jokes. You get the sense that there really isn’t any consideration for anyone else.” God forbid anyone actually have fun during a 15-hour work day.
Also, Joe got his token-straight-man-panties in a bunch because Daniel audacity to hop on an empty sewing machine that Joe had been using 10 minutes before. Even though there were tons of other empty stations, Joe complained to everyone around him. “For the last three challenges, I’ve used that machine. He didn’t seem to be that concerned about that.” Then he had the nerve to say “There’s too much drama because there are too many queens around.” Drama? Insert your own pot/kettle joke here.

“I Owe You a Drink” medal: This one is awarded to Runway producers, who barely even showed Suede tonight. He did manage to squeeze out the work “wackadoodle” before I could hit mute, though.

“I’m a Poser” medal: Did you see how much cream was in Stella’s coffee? She’s a fraud! A real toughie would drink it straight up. No sugar, no cream. Period.

“What the Hell is That?” medal: If we could give Jerell two of these medals, we would. First, his monstrosity of an outfit was way too busy. (See below.) Coco Chanel once said that when accessorizing, a person should take off the last thing they put on. Jerell’s model should have taken off the last four or five items – starting with that ridiculous sun hat.
Speaking of hats, did you see Jerell’s at elimination? What the hell is that? I’ll tell you. It was the product of a mating session between a Boy Scout cap and a belly dancing medallion belt. He should have taken off that thing no matter what order in which it was put on.


“Master of Leatha” medal: Surprise! It’s not Stella. Korto takes this prize, as well as the gold medal, with her winning, mostly-white outfit consisting of structured linen pants, and a lightweight leather vest with red and blue trim. (Above) Judges called it modern, Apolo liked the lightweight fabrics and Korto won the challenge and immunity next week.

Disqualified – no medal: Jennifer turns in another lame outfit that isn’t even relevant to the challenge – unless a jewel-neck navy blue cardigan and gold and white striped skirt make you think of track & field greatness. Too bad Daniel wasn’t a judge this time. Based on his Olympic experiences, he probably thought it was a record-breaker.

I Love/Hate New York

Correct me if I’m wrong, but Tiffany “New York” Pollard has probably had more shows than any other civilian-turned-reality-star.

On one hand, I think: Why? This woman has no real skills, very marginal talents and, frankly, can be little bit hard to look at as well. But I have to give her credit: She’s got a train-wreck appeal that’s hard to deny.

Her escalating list of accomplishments includes: Playing sloppy tonsil hockey and allegedly falling in love with Flavor Flav on “Flavor of Love”; taking a loogie to the face from fellow “FOL” contestant Pumkin; getting dumped by Flav – twice; getting breast implants that are literally the size of two human heads; and scoring her own Bachelorette-style dating show.

The latest installation in New York's love-to-hate-it VH1 programming, “New York Goes to Hollywood,” premiered Monday night on the network. In it, VH1 gives the aspiring starlet 30 days in Los Angeles to establish herself as a legitimate actress. (Hey, she might have a chance... she did appear to be head over heels for Flav after about 24 hours in his presence.)

I didn’t want to get sucked in yet again, but the New York vortex was just too damn strong. And based on the first episode, here are a couple of reasons it will be hard to stop watching.

1. Delusions of grandeur.
In the opening scene, New York is shown moping around the house, upset because her phone isn’t ringing off the hook with employment offers. Instead of oh, I don’t know, looking for a job or taking an acting class, she creates a newspaper ad: “Assistant needed for high-profile actress.” She needs an assistant about as much as the world needs Spencer Pratt.

2. Insanity.
When interviewing potential assistants, she handled her rejects with the upmost professionalism and respect. She told one, “Get the fuck off my property you skanky-ass bitch!” And when a religious interviewee told New York she didn’t believe in pre-marital sex, New York spit out her drink and cut the interview short. “Sex is very important to me... Plus, you’re wearing a sailor shirt. Bitch, you know you ain’t own no boat! Sail yo’ass up out of my house!” It makes working for Diddy seem like a dream job.

3. She’s a moron.
When a job candidate told Pollard that she swore too much, Pollard replied: “How can you just ignore the fifth amendment – freedom of speech?”
Next, she and her gigantic bosom went to exercise wearing a push-up bra, capri pants, white platform peep-toe stiletto heels, a full face of makeup and accessories.
Personal trainer: “You look like you’re about to go dancing.”
Pollard: “I just want to drop a few pounds.
Trainer: “You could drop a couple of pounds by just removing your jewelry.”
Later, when she’s running on the treadmill and her lady parts are flailing all over the room, she says, “I should have worn a sports bra.”
Trainer: “You should have worn a Viking shield.”
Shoot, he should have worn a Viking shield, too. He was one step away from a nasty shiner.

4. Her fashion sense never ceases to amaze.
Even pre-surgery, New York has always worn everything about two sizes too small and worn regular bras with things like halter, strapless and backless tops. And not in a cute, “oops, here’s a sliver of my sexy purple bra strap” kind of way. Note to New York: They’re called undergarments for a reason, hon.

Weekend in haiku

Weeding is a chore
from hell. Hamstrings on fire
from four-hour day.

No dent in yard work.
Sunday, more of the same. I
want an apartment.

Archie graduates
from dog school. The star pupil
in his class. Hooray!

Tomorrow, back to
work. Sigh. Ready for vacay.
Only five more weeks.

TV Boyfriends

I admit it: I probably didn’t make the smartest dating choices when I was in my early 20s. I had a thing for bad boys. As long as they were smokin’ hot and didn’t live in their parents’ basement, it didn’t really matter so much if they had high falutin’ goals or a 401K plan. If they had a snowboard and a job, that was just icing on the cake.

Luckily, I have since met and married a fantastic (read: totally put-together) man. But sometimes, when I'm in front of the tube, I slip into my old ways and think, “Huh. There's something about that guy..."

Here are 10 troubled souls that I probably would have dated a decade ago. For a little while, at least.

1. Dexter Morgan, “Dexter.” Here’s the thing. Even if you knew Dexter was homicidal, it would still be a little bit tempting to date him. For one, he’s neurotic about cleanliness and order, so we know he’d make the bed and dump the trash without being asked. Also, he brings coffee and donuts to his girlfriend every morning before work. It's hard to argue with Starbucks delivery.

2. Andy Botwin, “Weeds.” Sure, he’s total layabout and he did some revolting foot porn. But Andy is sexy, he’s laid-back and he likes to cook. All the time. This is especially important to a girl whose culinary specialties include spaghetti, PB&J and scrambled eggs.

3. Hank Moody, “Californication.” As a brilliant writer, Hank Moody would probably be a most excellent Scrabble opponent. And have you seen his record album collection? We love a man who digs vinyl. Those attributes could probably overshadow his serial womanizing, depression, drinking and pot smoking for about a week or so.

4. Jack Abbott, “The Young and the Restless.” Among his many offenses: He secretly changed his father’s will, and after Victor Newman had a seizure, he left him dying on the floor instead of calling 911. Eh, so what? Forgive and forget. We’ve had a crush on Jack since high school, even though his feathered hairdo has barely changed since then. Did I mention he’s highly successful and filthy rich?

5. Don Draper, “Mad Men.” The 1960s me would probably be attracted to this man. Besides being a handsome, sharp-dressed man, he’s creative and has a way with words. (Another good Scrabble opponant!) He's slightly less of a chauvinist than his peers, which would have been very important to me if I were alive during that time. Don seems to be sorting through some of his personal issues, too, which is encouraging.

6. Christian Troy, “Nip/Tuck.” Egomaniac and all-around jackass Dr. Troy has had more random sex than Ron Jeremy and Wilt Chamberlain combined. But I'm a sucker for a confident man with a perfect smile. His vulnerability since moving to L.A. also shows that he is marginally human somewhere underneath all that pomp and circumstance. But the minute he wanted to circle all my problem areas with a Sharpie, it'd be a wrap.

7. Jack Bauer, “24.” Basically a good guy, Jack Bauer has been trained to torture people without remorse. That’s a bit of a problem. Still, I admire him for always putting his loved ones before his job, and for being the hardest worker on this list. I bet he’d never waste away in front of the TV with one hand in his pants and the other on a beer. He has an uncanny knack for predicting the future, too. I smell a winning lottery ticket!

8. Guillermo, “Weeds.” I can overlook the fact that he’s a drug dealer and part-time scumbag with terrible fashion sense, because of his quiet charm, attention to detail and occasional poignant thoughts. If Stacy London wanted to help him out, however, I would not object.

9. James Doakes, “Dexter.” This is a man whose instincts were always on point, even if he was perpetually suspicious and angry, and dropped the f-bomb more than Bernie Mac. (RIP, Doakes.) He would make the perfect father... I'd love to try and see a teenager lie to him and get away with it.

10. Turtle, “Entourage.” I admit it. I have a soft spot for cute stoners. Unlike Andy Botwin, though, Turtle has a job: he drives Vince around and gets him weed. Also, he collects sneakers and loves hip-hop. Swoon. It’s like we were made for each other.

Confident pets

They say animals don't understand English, but I'm not sure I buy it. My pets may not know exactly what I'm saying, but I believe they understand the sentiment. That's why I give them daily affirmations. And also, because I'm alone a lot at night, and a little but crazy.

Here are top ten compliments my pets enjoy hearing. (Or maybe they just always seem happy because I'm the one in charge of the food.)

1. Miles, you are handsome enough to make 9 Lives buck tradition and change Morris to a gray cat.

2. Archie, your breath is so delicious, they should capture the scent and make it into cologne!

3. Lucy, your darling, dotted paws look like shoes, and not cheap, uncomfortable Payless shoes, either. I'd pay at least $75 for them.

4. Draper pets, you could all run this country more efficiently than George W. Bush.

5. Archie, your popcorn-catching skills are to be envied by all canines.

6. Miles, you have the softest ear fur in all the land.

7. Archie, your breath smells divine! I wish Secret made "Archie's Breath" deodorant.

8. Lucy, you are the best daughter a mother could have.

9. Who needs a flesh baby when I already have such lovely children?

10. Archie, that breath! I wish they'd make it a nasal spray so I could smell it all day long.

Ben Gay is my friend

Summary haiku:

No intense work outs
for weeks... until today. Now,
crying self to sleep.