TV: Super Bowl Showdown

All week long, we've been bombarded with expert predictions about the upcoming Super Bowl based on statistics, past game performances, key players and the like. But the truth is, nobody really knows what's going to happen -- it just has to play out.

That's why it can't hurt to foretell the game results using several random categories. But for this edition, we'll tally the categories using football scoring, with our guess for the final game score at the bottom. You heard it here first!

QUARTER ONE: UNIFORMS
The Colts have one thing going for them: You can't say anything bad about blue, for it's the color of most denim (+7). White isn't always flattering, and it gets dirty easily, but the lucky horseshoe symbols on the Colts' helmets help make up for that.
Lucky for the Saints, you can never go wrong wearing black, which is the consummate color of both chic-ness and bad-assery (+7). Throw in a little metallic gold (+3), and a classy fleur-de-lis symbol, and you have yourself a uniform both men and women can appreciate.
COLTS: 7
SAINTS: 10


QUARTER TWO: MASCOTS
Technically, a saint is a religious figure, which doesn't really impose much of a threat on a football field. As far as we know, there is no St. Ray Lewis.
Meantime, New Orleans' sideline mascots include Gumbo the Dog (a Saint Bernard in a football uniform) and Sir Saint, who looks like Snidley Whiplash in eyeliner and a football uni. Meh.
However, a baby horse isn't really that menacing either -- especially Indy's goofy, furry, smiling colt mascot that looks like a character from Sesame Street. While horses are known athletes (+3), they are also gentle, loving creatures that would rather graze in a field than sack a quarterback.
So for intimidation, we'll have to go with the Saints. Gumbo is a tad soft, but Sir Saint looks devious and ready for a battle (scores +6 for the touchdown, but misses the extra point because of the eyeliner).
COLTS: 10
SAINTS: 16

QUARTER THREE: COOLEST CITY
Sure, the Indy 500 is one of the best-known sporting events in the country (+3). But other than that, Indianapolis isn't a Mecca of much else.
New Orleans has the week-long party known as Mardi Gras (+7). On top of that, the city is known for jazz music, Cajun and Creole food, surviving Hurricane Katrina and its famous French Quarter here (+7). So, pretty much no contest on this one.
COLTS: 13
SAINTS: 30

QUARTER FOUR: SUPER SNACKS
Besides the usual fare of beer, pizza and chips, no Super Bowl party is complete without team-themed snacks.
New Orleans presents a plethora of lip-smacking options, including gumbo, beignets, King Cake and Hurricane cocktails (+10, seven for the snacks, three for the super-strong drink).
Indianapolis? After Googling, we discovered its traditional foods include pork tenderloin sandwiches and -- wait for it! -- corn. Sounds more like State Fair snacks than Super Bowl party dishes, but we'll throw a +2 their way because you need some kind of sustenance to soak up the alcohol on Super Bowl Sunday.
New Orleans wins this quarter, hands down.
COLTS: 15
SAINTS: 40


Bottom line: Sorry folks, this one's a blowout. When it comes to the preceding categories, there's no reason to even play the game on Sunday. The Saints are marching into first place!

Cats vs. Cards... who cares? For once, I do.

So, this morning I ran over to Kroger to get some butter in order to make my mom's delicious banana bread recipe.

It was about 10 a.m., and the store was packed with people wearing either UofL or UK garb, who appeared to be stocking up for food and tailgating supplies for today's big game.

But two teenage girls who were walking in front of me caught my eye. One had on a University of Louisville t-shirt with shorts, and a ponytail holder with a cardinal on it. No big deal.

However, her friend was hooched out to the nth degree in Univeristy of Kentucky-wear. She had on a blue and white striped tube top with a blue, micro-mini cheerleading skirt that would reveal her ass cheeks with one small breeze. Blue and white legwarmers (with UK written around the top of them), flip flops, and a UK backpack completed her ridiculous outfit, which also included a Girls Next Door white-blonde dye job.

It was a little much, but I was like, Whatever, they're teenagers! She may not know any better yet.

So I get up to the checkstand, and guess who gets behind me in line?

Seeing them for the first time from the front, I was horrified to discover that the UK offender was the other girl's mother! Her body was great, but she looked like she was about 40 years old in the face. She had on about 10 pounds of bright pink blush on top of everything else. Her husband was there, too, and he was also wearing some overkill crazed-fan outfit that involved blue hair and and a blue moustache. (But at least he wasn't half-naked.)

No wonder that teen girl was rooting for U of L! It's probably her only way to rebel against her embarrassing parental units.

I was pissed, of course. I never, ever leave the house without my (camera) phone... except on the one day I would have loved to use it.

Normally, I don't give a shit who wins these Kentucky rivalry games. I'm not from here, so I have no vested interest whatsoever. But today, I'll be rooting for Louisville -- all because that little girl deserves to shame her parents a little bit.

Beat it, Brett!

Brett Farve saying he's retiring is like me saying I'm never gonna drink again on the morning of a really bad hangover.

Please, Brett. Go away!

(Disclaimer: Sure, he might be a nice man. But I'm a Vikings fan. He should gets to steppin' already, geez.)

It's been a busy day for celeb news. Brad and Angie squirted out a couple more babies. What does that make now? A half-dozen Jolie-Pitts? Er, nevermind. I'm all for healthy babies and all, but I'm not looking forward to the media frenzy that is going to take over. Seriously, someone could find a cure for cancer and it would probably play second fiddle to celebrity baby news.

Also, I just read that Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel called it quits. Boo! That was a vulgar, offensive couple I could get behind. Oh well.

Speaking of break ups, Christie Brinkley said today that she wouldn't marry again. Probably a shrewd move.