Pumpkin ice cream is from heaven

I stopped at the grocery store after work to get some cucumbers, tomatoes and cheese. My path through Kroger took me past a freezer filled with Edy's pumpkin ice cream, which I've never had, but sounded delicious.

It was the most delicious thing to ever pass my lips. Thank God it's only sold from Sept. to Nov., or I'd weigh 400 pounds.

Fashion TV: I've Seen Enough Of The Catty-walks.

As viewers grimace through Stylista, the newest addition to fashion-related, reality TV train wreck, it's hard not to wonder: Are these shows even in style anymore?

When America's Next Top Model and Project Runway launched, they seemed new and fresh and different. Unlike the slew of purely voyeuristic shows that were already out there, both programs explored uncharted territory and contestants actually required some sort of special skills to participate. Plus, they offered a glimpse into the dramatic and bitchy world of fashion, so the package made for a reality TV goldmine.

But then came the knock-offs. Once Janice Dickinson was done as a judge on ANTM, she got her own show, The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency. And frankly, it made ANTM seem as smart as The West Wing.

And it's only gotten worse from there. Not only have ANTM and PR lost their luster, interlopers such as America's Most Smartest Model, the horrifyingly bad Glam God With Vivica A. Fox, The Rachel Zoe Project – and now, Stylista – are trying to hop on the long-departed bandwagon.

But wait, there's more. Shear Genius puts scissorhands to the test, while Lifetime's new offering Blush: The Search for the Next Best Make-Up Artist premieres Nov. 11. Even if they play upbeat techno music and feature rapid-fire scene changes, can you think of anything more boring than watching people apply eyeshadow and buff blemishes for an hour?

I'd rather topple off a pair of 8-inch platforms into a bed of Tyra Banks' used hair extensions.

Besides, do contestants even benefit anymore? With constant turnover of reality TV out there, 15 minutes of fame has been reduced to about three minutes. And if you think about it, the only person who has been catapulted from obscurity to fame and career success isn't even a contestant – it's PR mentor, Tim Gunn, who is now a bonafide celebrity.

Now, to be fair, most people, including myself, have better things to do than track every move of reality show winners. But if any of these folks were making it -- truly making it, like, on the level of Gisele Bundchen or Marc Jacobs -- we'd hear about it.

Does anyone even consider Adrienne Curry, the first winner of ANTM, a model anymore? We think she's more synonomous with embarrassing VH1 reality shows and marrying Christopher Knight, whose most recent claims to fame includes his stints on Celebrity Circus and Celebrity Family Feud.

Try looking up ANTM alum CariDee English and you'll see more stories about her alleged make-out sessions with teen skateboard sensation Ryan Sheckler and her speeches about psoriasis awareness than modeling.

Meanwhile, the two PR winners who have probably seen the most success are the same folks who had established careers upon joining the cast. Season two winner Chloe Dao already had her own thriving clothing boutique, which is still going strong today. Recently, she sold out her 13-piece collection on QVC and was tapped to create a line of electronics accessories to be sold in stores like Target, Circuit City and Best Buy.

Season three champ Jeffrey Sebelia came to PR with an pre-exsisting clothing line, Cosa Nostra, and celebrity clientele. Since the show, he's launched a contemporary women's clothing line, Good Vig.

Sure, other winners from both shows are gainfully employed in their respective fields. But we have to wonder if that's because of the spotlight and humiliation that comes with reality TV, or in spite of it. Still, we're looking forward to seeing how it all pans out for people.

Our best bets for long-term success include season three ANTM winner Eva Marcille (who dropped Pigford from her name). She models, but she's also become a decent film and TV actress. Currently, she plays Tyra Hamilton on The Young & The Restless. Laugh if you want, but once upon a time, Eva Longoria called Y&R home, too.

We also have high hopes for PR winner Christian Siriano. Immensely talented for his young age, he's also got an engaging personality -- we predict both will take him far.

Certainly, viewers can enjoy much jackassery on the newest diluge of fashion programs. But as for producing the next great stylist or make-up artist? Does anyone really care? Or should Fashion TV just go the way of the peg-rolled jeans? As much as we love clothes and style, we're leaning toward the latter.

Halloween-y movies

Why did they remake
Salem's Lot? Original
is a true classic.

Freddy Krueger may
have an ugly sweater,
but it looks quite warm.

Michael Myers can
always catch people with his
lumbering gait. How?

Saw 5? Amazing.
Jigsaw is older than John
McCain. Not dead yet?

Hannibal Lecter
has never been as hungry
as I am right now.

Leatherface's skin
mask: New 'it' accessory?
I'll take a scarf, thanks.

Judging Miss Maisy

Today, I had the pleasure of judging a pet costume contest at the Three Dog Bakery in Louisville. It was hilarious, and I wish there were enough prizes for all 35-40 dogs that participated. (But they did all get a free bag of treats.)

Now, I admit: Lucy and Archie do get Halloween costumes, but they only wear them long enough to get their photos made ... probably about 3 minutes. These pooches today were already dressed when they showed up at the spot -- and then they waited in line wearing outfits for at least an hour because the other judge was 30 minutes late.

So, kudos to all of those little (and big) guys because my dogs would have torn off their suits before we got out of the driveway.



And guess what? There was a little dragon named Maisy (above)! I couldn't really see what kind of dog it was, but she licked my hand from under her green suit. In fact, it's hard to get dogs to hold still long enough for a picture, so none of these pics are that great.

Anyhoo, I can imagine what some of these dogs were thinking (in haiku, of course).





Elvis (above):
I know you hand-glued
sequins to my cape. Sorry
I shook them off.

The Cat in the Hat, Thing 1 and Thing 2:
"I'm no fucking cat!"
"And we weren't twins -- until
you sprayed our hair blue."




Desperate Housewives (above):
The women on the
show don't wear housecoats. Where
is our damn glamour?



Rock star (above):
Oh yeah, bitches. I
know you want me. I'm yours -- for
a treat and butt sniff.



A bunch of grapes (above):
Squeaky scarecrow toy
and fifty dollar prize was
SO worth the effort.



Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's (above, the picture kept loading sideways, and I can't fix it. But it was too cute not to post.):
I am too fancy
to be in here with
pirates and pumpkins.

Creep-fest: Dexter Morgan vs. Bill Compton

Halloween is coming, so it seems like a great time to assess our two favorite blood-obsessed creepies from cable television: Dexter Morgan of Dexter and Bill Compton, the resident vampire of True Blood.

Each of these gentlemen is charming in his own way. But when you look at the big picture, they're still not the kind of guys you'd want for neighbors or anything. Let's face it: They both come with a lot of baggage.

But if you had to live next door to one of them, who is your best bet? Who's the most productive member of society? Glad you asked.

I've rated Dex and Bill in various categories to determine which killer is the best for the general population.

AFTER DARK ACTIVITIES: If Dexter's out at night, he's usually carving somebody up, stalking his next victim, or trying to cover up the fact that he's been on a murdering spree.

Bill, on the other hand, is probably just indulging his super-strong vampire libido by getting laid. I'm sure Bill runs all his errands at night, too, since he can't do them during daylight. And being that he's so polite, he'd probably even bring you back a pint of Ben & Jerry's from Walgreens if you asked him real nice.

Dexter, 0; Bill, 1

EMOTIONAL AVAILABILITY: Dexter admits he doesn't really have feelings. In order to propose to his girlfriend in a believable way, Dexter had to mimic the words and emotions of a recent crime scene victim. How romantic!

Bill, on the other hand, is no stranger to loving relationships and family life -- it's just that he hasn't really done it since he the time of the Civil War. But even though he's dead (undead?), he's still more emotionally alive than Dexter.

Dexter, 0; Bill, 2


BENEFITS/CONSEQUENCES OF BEING THEIR FRIEND: Dexter's social skills leave something to be desired, and if his secret is eventually revealed, you will forever be known as "that guy who was best friends with the worst serial killer in Miami history." But he's incredibly loyal to those he loves. And who knows? He may even protect you when you don't even know you need it (See: Debra and the Ice Truck Killer, or Angel and Lila.)

Bill's social ills are right out there in the open, so you know what you're getting into right away. He's 173 years old and a great conversationalist, so he could regale pals with hours of historical tales. But being friends with and/or dating Bill comes with social ramifications -- such as being called a Fangbanger -- and it also means that other, scarier vampires may show up at any time. No, thanks!

Dexter, 1; Bill, 2.

MAINSTREAMING: Dexter makes all the right moves to fit in: He's gainfully employed (as a crime fighter, no less!), he has a girlfriend/family, drives a mini-van and appears to lead a normal, middle America life.

Bill is polite and well-spoken. And even though he can seemingly travel at the speed of sound on his own, he drives a sweet BMW. Still, he's jobless, will never be able to meet you for brunch (daylight!)... and he sleeps in the floorboards of his house and drinks blood from a bottle. There's no contest.

Dexter 2; Bill, 2.

CLEAN-UP FACTOR: Dexter prepares for his bloodbaths using plastic tarps and duct tape. He maintains laser-like precision as he's dicing fools up.

Bill usually strikes without much warning, but can clean up his messes pretty well with his mouth.

Frankly, there are no guarantees when it comes to killing. With both men, you run the risk of seeing them covered in blood, which is not an 'it' accessory during any season. It's a draw.

Dexter, 2; Bill, 2

USE OF SKILLS: When it comes to murder, Dexter lives by a strict moral code. He only offs people who have gotten away with murder themselves. So technically, he's using his evil for good. Even though it's possible that he's killed more people than his victims combined.

Bill also eschews the habits of his more evil peers. He makes an effort to blend into society, and drinks synthetic blood to avoid feasting on humans. Bill won't use his bewitching skills unless it's absolutely necessary to save himself or a loved one, and he will defend humans against other vampires.

When all is said and done, though, there are probably more murderers running lose than vampires, making one man more useful to society.

Dexter, 3; Bill, 2.

Sorry, Bill. I still love you anyway.

Archie Warren Draper: Possum Hunter

Summary haiku:
Bye, hidden possum.
Thanks for giving us our shed
back. And good riddance.












So, if you've been following any of my periodic Facebook updates, or if you happen to be a good friend of mine, you've probably heard about the ongoing saga of Archie and our shed.

Ever since this incident, in which Archie shimmied under the shed and I had to dig him out during a thunderstorm, he has been obsessed with circling and barking at the shed.

This was June 17. And Kyle boarded up the edges of the shed, right? So what the hell? Even if there was something under there, there's no way it could still be alive after nearly four months. Right?

Well, Kyle was off work today. So even though we've unboarded the shed a couple of different times to make sure there was nothing underneath, Kyle did it once more. And this time, he poked around underneath with a broom handle. And guess what happened?

A big, nasty possum scurried out, bearing its teeth. "Oh shit!," Kyle thought, trying to collect the pets and get them inside. (Unfortunately, Archie and Lucy were also outside at the time because Kyle was certain he'd find nothing new under there.)

Archie came ripping around the side of the shed -- no barking, no growling -- but he was gonna show the object of his summer-long obsession who owned this fucking yard. Kyle didn't see exactly what happened at first, but it ended Archie wrestling the possum, which was about the same size as him (17 pounds).

Kyle collected Lucy and Archie, while the possum just laid there. Kyle thought it was dead... but that whole playing possum cliche didn't come from nowhere.

(A moment of education, courtesy of Indiana University website: "Possums are famous for "playing dead" when threatened, but this isn't quite accurate. They are not "playing" dead at all: the possum goes into shock when particularly stressed. While not dead, it can be found lying on its side with its legs extended and is, in fact, limp and unconscious during this time, like a person who has fainted.")

About a minute later, Kyle looked out the kitchen window and saw the possum mosey over into the corner of the yard. That's when he called me and relayed the story.

Apparently, Archie bit the possum because it had a slight limp as it walked across the yard.

So of course, paranoid mom called the vet to make sure Archie wouldn't have any nasty possum diseases. (They said he'd be fine since he was up to date on his shots.)

But anyway. The shed has been re-boarded up at the bottom. And we're damn sure nothing is under there anymore (and that the possum has left our yard), because for the first time in months, Archie is just peacefully tooling around the yard, marking his territory. Which, of course, includes the same patch of shed from which the possum emerged. He peed on that part twice.

Need I mention how glad I am that I was working when all this took place?

Kyle's summary of the situation: "Possums are no joke."

Live blogging: Rock of Love Charm School

(Note: Blogger was down when I tried to publish last night, so it's going up a day late.)


The opening scene shows a bus transporting the hooches from "Rock of Love" to their new school. It's a short bus! I'm sure that's no coincidence.

Courtney: Who is this chick? I don't even recognize her.

What in the hell is Heather wearing?

Lacey arrives with bright red hair. Someone says, "Her hair looks like my period."

Host Sharon Osbourne: "When I first laid eyes upon this group, I've never seen a more bizarre group of women in my life."

Megan looks like she's wearing a children's skirt.

Why do three of them have bright pink hair?

Rodeo walks like she has s dick. Maybe she does. But I think she has a kid... that's how her and Bret Michael bonded. Inquiring minds want to know!

Who is this woman with Girls Next Door white-blonde hair? She's wearing white pants with red underwear underneath. Classy.

Lacey and Dallas are already totally fighting. Dallas just beaned her in the side of the head with a giant apple. Awesome!

The chick with the red underwear is Raven, and she seems to think she's better than everyone else here. Newsflash: If you're on this show, you're a dipshit. There is no dipshit hierarchy here.

Oh, now I remember why I don't remember Courtney. She got drunk and passed out within the first 10 minutes of ROL.

Lacey tried to rip off Raven's bleach blonde wig ... except, it's attached to her head! It's a weave.

Courtney is drunk again. She fell over on her back. Then she passed out in a plant. Sheesh.

The hosts are showing the sluts video from their time on Rock of Love, so they can see what asses they made of themselves. (Like they didn't watch the show the first time around??)

Sharon to the belching, farting Brandi M: "You're behaving like a drunken pirate."

Raven thinks she's highly intelligent and better than everyone there. Again. Which would be easy to do in this bunch... unless you're Raven.

Courtney is still passed out with her crack hanging out of her pants. She wakes up and pulls herself together for the elimination process. Her eyes are bright red and bloodshot.

Boy, Sharon Osbourne has her hands full.

Raven decides to leave because she's too good for Charm School. "Somebody of my pedigree does not belong here." Maybe you're smart, Raven, but your look is not... you should have at least stayed for a makeover.

The drunk gets the boot, too.

Sharon just called Lacey and Dallas gremlins! But they'll live to see another lesson in manners and etiquette. Lucky us.

TV Inspired GPS Units: Getting There Is Half The Fun

Forget KITT, I want Joy!

It recently came to my attention that Radio Shack released a GPS that speaks in the voice of KITT from Knight Rider. Now, let's be honest: How is that really much different than the grating robotic voices that plague any other navigation device?

On my own GPS, I listened to all 15 of my voice choices multiple times to determine which was the least annoying. I chose "Mandy" -- and after about three weeks of listening to her directions, I had to just mute the thing. Now, I just follow the arrows on the screen.

Anyway, I have a couple of problems with the idea of a KITT GPS. First, if a gadget company is going to try and make some money off of TV addicts, don't you think they should pick a better show than Knight Rider? The current remake of the show is really stinkin' awful.

Second, even if Knight Rider were good, would I really want to spend my car time listening to and/or (hypothetically) having a conversation with boring, condescending ol' KITT? Not so much.

So here are some suggestions for TV-inspired GPS units that I'd actually consider buying for entertainment purposes -- oh, and to help me reach my destination. And for fun, I've included things they might say. (If TomTom or Garvin suddenly comes up with this idea in six months, you saw it here first.)

Model: Joy Darville from My Name is Earl

Sample phrases: "Hey, numb nuts, you just missed your turn!"

"Your driving is makin' me sweat like a whore in church. Now, slow this thang down cuz you need to make a right in two blocks."

"Oh, sorry, sugar. (Chomps gum.) I was distracted by my boob glitter. You shoulda made a left back there. Turn around up here at the trailer park. Maybe we can grab a beer at the kegger while we're up there."

Model: Jim Halpert, the resident practical joker from The Office

Sample phrase: "You're going to want to take this next freeway exit. (Long pause.) No, wait! I was just kidding! Swerve back onto the highway. You actually want the next one."

Model: Tim Gunn, mentor on Project Runway

Sample phrases: "Your destination involves a lot of turns, but we're going to make it work."

"This traffic jam gives me pause. We're going to have to think hard about this and really edit ourselves."

Model: Beavis & Butt-head
Sample phrases:

Butt-head: "Uh, heh-heh, in two miles, uh, turn right on Astor Ave."

Beavis: "Heh heh heh. He said Ass-tor."

Butt-head: "Shut up, Beavis! Hey, uh, driver. Could you, uh, turn up the Metallica?"

Model: The cast from The Hills
Sample phrases:
Lauren: "Wait, I only know the way to Les Deux, Opera and Pinkberry. Are we going any of those places?"

Lo: "I dunno. Ask the driver. Hey, why is Audrina with us?"

Audrina: "Lo, you're super bitchy! Anyway, I have no idea how to get where we're going. I can't see the road because I'm too busy staring into never-never land."

Lauren: "Yeah, but the driver doesn't know how to get there, either. That's why we're here. We're supposed to help."

Whitney: "So, Lauren. Have you met any new boys? Are you going to respond to that letter Heidi sent you?"

Spencer: "What letter? God, why don't you hens shut up and give her the directions already! No wonder I hate all of you!"

I hate orange Dots.

Dear Tootsie Company,

I love the Dots gumdrops that you are responsible for making. Love them. And according to the research I've done, you say that you create equal amounts of all five flavors.

I'd like to call bullshit on that. I cannot recall a time that I have purchased Dots at the movies, the grocery or at Target, where there has not been a disproportionate amount of red and orange Dots in comparison to the other colors. It makes my Dot eating much less pleasurable than if I were able to experience an explosion of fruity flavors mingling together in my mouth. Instead, I can always predict the taste that will be in my mouth: cherry and orange. Cherry and orange. Cherry and orange.

Every once in a GREAT while, I get a splash of delicious, chewy lemon or lime flavor. And that makes me sad, as the green and yellow Dots are my favorites. I don't really give a shit about the strawberry ones. They are a waste.

Recently, I purchased a bag of Halloween-sized boxes of Dots. So far, I have opened 13 of those boxes, and each contained 6 Dots. That's 78 Dots in all. And guess how many were green or yellow? Guess! 12. Not 12 of each color, either.

If you really made equal amounts of each color, I should have had 15.6 green ones and 15.6 yellow ones. So...

WHERE THE FUCK ARE THEY?

I had a really shitty day, and I haven't seen a green one in the last 4 boxes I opened. I hate orange Dots!

I'm not very good at math, but I'm certain I am better at it than the Chief Dot Counter at Tootsie. I'd be happy to take the job, if it becomes open.

Your immediate reply to this devastating situation would be appreciated. Orange Dots are almost as worthless as the strawberry ones.

Sincerely,
Maisy

Runway Recap: The Honeymoon Is Over For Jerell

Oh, Project Runway, I was considering divorcing you after this lackluster season.

But just when I'm ready file for legal separation, you lure me back in with an interesting, fast-paced episode. So I guess for now, we'll renew our vows.

Perhaps I'm feeling all romantical -- PSA: I learned this "word" on Flavor of Love. Everyone, read more books! -- because Runway charged designers with not one, but two challenges to determine which three would show at Fashion Week. We'll give you a hint: The competitions had to do with weddings.

Since the show moved along in short segments -- the designers all got home visits from Tim while they worked on collections -- it seemed like a perfect reason to write this recap in short snippets.

That's right, friends. It's haiku time.

Designers got an

eight thousand dollar budget

to make ten fierce looks.

The catch: One had to

be a wedding dress. Boo hoo!

No one wants this.

Kenley complained: The

others sabotaged her at

the last runway show.

Someone get me a

tissue. She's an innocent

flower! Poor, poor thing.

Korto: Arkansas.

Collection looks gorgeous, bright.

Yellows and greens.

One dress looks like a

vagina, Tim warns. Reptile-

print slit gives him pause.

Korto does African

drumming for Tim, shows off her

family and friends.

Leanne in Portland:

Collection inspired by

waterfront and waves.

Leanne and Tim

rode a tandem bike. Bike has

two baskets and bell.

Worse, Tim was wearing

a bicycle helmet and made

whimpering noises.

"Whooooa. Whooooa." Doesn't he

take taxis in New York? That

seems much scarier.

Rewind. "Whooooa. Whoooa. Whoooa."

I can't help it. It's funny

as hell. (Love you, Tim.)

Jerell in L.A.

He's grown a goatee, but is

wearing normal clothes.

Wow. His garments are

super gaudy. Flashback to

Olympic challenge.

Kenley in Brooklyn.

Tim calls her "sweetheart." Did Tim

have lobotomy?

Her fabrics are hand-

painted, pretty. She's humble.

(No, not a typo.)

Everybody meets

back in New York. Nobody

wants to see Kenley.

She arrives, says "sorry

for being a bitch." Water

under the bridge. Hugs!

New challenge: Make a

bridesmaid dress to match wedding

gown. Loser gets auf'd!

On the runway, it's

ball and chain time. Wedding gowns,

bridesmaid dresses shown.

Oh Jerell, what went

wrong since last time? He made a

Bridezilla set.

Bride dress has boob flaps,

jewels, gray netting. She has a

bouquet on her head.

Maid's dress: A drab, blue,

wrinkly mess. She'll never meet

a boy wearing that!

Leanne's dreamy frocks

impress judges. Nina too!

"Romantic, modern."

(I used to think L

was boring, but she might

have this thing sewn up.)

Korto's dresses are

the same, exact color. Why?

Also, overworked.

Heidi: "I would not

want to be the bride." (Amen,

sister!) "It never ends!"

Kenley dazzles with

feathered wedding gown and short,

cute, blue bridesmaid dress.

Judges dub Leanne

and Kenley the best. Korto

and Jerell wait, scared.

Sorry, Jerell. Your

gharish showgirl gowns will go

back in garment bags.

It's three ladies in

the finals. Next week: Season ends!

(Rewind to bike scene.)

Top Chef

Remember when you were a teenager and you used to daydream: "I wonder what I'll be doing in 10 (or 15 or 20) years?"

Well, I don't really remember what I thought I'd be doing at age 35, but I'm fairly certain it did not involve slaving over a hot stove cooking dinner for ... my dog. But Lucy has an upset stomach, so to help settle it, I made her a "bland meal" of white rice and chicken. (They sell these bland meals at the vet, too, but by the time I got home from work and saw that she was sick, my vet was already closed.)

I hate that she's feeling bad, and I didn't mind doing it. But as I was cutting up the chicken breast, I had time to put it all in perspective: I cooked dinner for my dog, but got something from the to-go deli at Kroger for myself.

Non-issue-related debate observations

Is it just me, or do John McCain's arms look super short tonight? They look like baby arms on an adult body.

I (heart) Chelsea Handler

I'm a total night owl, not always by choice. Sometimes I just can't sleep. So over the years, programs like The Tonight Show, The Late Show -- and on really sleepless nights, The Late Late Show -- have become my friends. And perhaps not for the reason you'd think. Much of the time, I could successfully nod off while watching, save for the occasional stupid pet trick or off-the-beaten-path celebrity interview.

But ever since E! launched Chelsea Lately, my nighttime routine has changed. I actually make an effort to stay awake until midnight (even when I'm actually tired enough to fall asleep early), just so I can check out host Chelsea Handler and her antics. I can tell you right now, it's worth losing sleep over.

Here are the top reasons Handler (who coincidentally used to be a correspondent for The Tonight Show) gets my vote for best late-night talk show host:

1. The show format is fresh.

Handler spends the first part of her show conducting a roundtable discussion with special guests, usually composed of pop culture experts and comedians. It feels like you're in on a comfortable, after-work happy hour discussion with friends, instead of being spoken to for several minutes. A brief comedy sketch, celebrity interview, and sometimes, a musical guest round out the program.

2. She's a spot of pink in a sea of blue.

Late-night television has long been dominated by men, so I love seeing a woman's sense of humor and point of view at the forefront. You'd never see David Letterman commiserating with Melissa Joan Hart about how much of a chore it is to squeeze into Spanx.

3. She's funny. And a little vulgar.
No doubt, Letterman and Jay Leno are funny, too. But I always let loose gut-busting laughs during Chelsea Lately. Her delivery is always spot-on, and because she's on E!, she can be a little bit freer with what she says. She speaks her mind -- and sometimes it's pretty dirty, but in a creative way. (For example, she often refers to lady parts as Peekachoos or Hot Pockets.) I can't help it, I always wonder what she's going to say next. Speaking of that...

4. She conducts great, no-holds-barred interviews.

While many late-night hosts are content to let stars prattle on and on about their upcoming movie or something their toddler did last week (Zzzzz), Handler has admitted that's not how she rolls. Instead, she asks her guests things that people really want to know.

Right after Brooke Hogan's mother started dating a 19-year-old, Handler asked Brooke pointed questions and really got her to open up about how she was handling it. Handler called out Michael Lohan out on his too-tight jeans ("You have camel balls!"). And she joked with Tate Donovan that he was still sexy in spite of his red hair: "But (because of that), you'll never be a full throttle sex pot."

Often, Handler's breezy interview style brings out the carefree jokester in her subjects as well.

5. She interviews musicians.

Music artists never get interviewed by hosts; they're always being relegated to the musical performance portion of late night talk shows (unless they are big ticket names like Jay-Z or Beyonce). But Handler has actual conversations with folks like Fat Joe and Natasha Bedingfield and lets them perform.

6. She's got good style.

Sorry, but if you've seen one guy in a dark suit, you've seen them all. Handler is always wearing an outfit that seems classic and current at the same time – and she's got great, great shoes. I love checking out her ensembles.

7. Chuy!

Having a flamboyantly gay sidekick is so 2001. Handler's assistant is Chuy, a quick-witted, Mexican, little person who is always delivers the best one-liners. He's also a frequent star in the show's sketches.

8. She's an edgy alternative to years of sameness.

After having her own (somewhat inconsistent) self-titled comedy sketch show for a while, Handler seems more comfortable in her new role. She's found her niche and I'm on board. Except for the "Headlines" portion of The Tonight Show, I'm pretty much committed to Chelsea Lately. Which means my snooze bar gets a mean workout every morning.

Runway Recap: Is Jerell Homeless?

Let’s discuss something: Does anyone else wonder how Project Runway’s Jerell can make decent garments when he always looks totally disheveled? Seriously, this man could not look any worse if he picked up the scraps from the workroom floor every week and found a haphazard way to affix them to his body.

Case in point: Last night, he wore a shredded straw hat and beat-up cargo shorts with a sleeveless hoodie; said hoodie had a deep V in front, and was made of a paper thin t-shirt material with a swirly print. (Sadly, there was no picture of that outfit on the website... you'd have loved it.)

Later, on the runway, he showed up in a icky, floppy-neck shirt underneath a sweater vest tunic that had old-man-style plaid pockets. It was like the poor man’s version of Henry Fonda in On Golden Pond.



But maybe in an effort to “update” this geezer look, Jerell wore it with pants (or were they capris?) That looked like they’d lost a battle with a weed wacker.

I’ve seen more pulled together looks on the homeless. And don’t even get me started on that ridiculous Boy Scout hat with chains he donned mid-season.

Still, Jerell pulled another rabbit out of his hat and won Wednesday night’s challenge: To create an evening gown design inspired by nature.



The designers took pics at the botanical gardens, then chose one photo to inspire their dresses. But now that we’re down to four designers, much of the show was dedicated to what a kind and humble young woman Kenley is, and how much everyone likes her.

The show began with Kenley blaming Leanne for her own glaring failure of a hip-hop outfit during the last week’s challenge: “I think she did a little bit of sabotage when she didn’t sell my outfit on the runway. She made it look like a fool’s outfit.”

Merriam-Webster definition of sabotage: “An act or process tending to hamper or hurt.” Actually, Kenley, my recollection is that you sabotaged Leanne’s crotch with those gross, so-not-hip-hop jeans last week.

But, no worry. Let’s move on.

“I had a hard time with the last challenge,” Kenley said, completely forgetting it was all Leanne’s fault, “so I hope this challenge is something I usually do.”

Dictionary definition of challenge: “To arouse or stimulate especially by presenting with difficulties.”

(But I do hear ya, Kenley. I had a really hard time with my last diet, so I hope my next one involves eating at the Indian buffet for every meal and buying Twix bars in bulk at Costco.)

Kenley talked more about how she loved herself and hates the other designers’ work. The other three shunned her. She probably does deserve it, but they were so obvious about it, it reminded me of that Sesame Street song “One Of These Things Is Not Like The Others.”

And considering everyone’s gowns had problems at judging – Jerell’s and Leanne’s seemed unfinished; Korto’s was too “beauty pageant” – they probably would have been better served to spend more time sewing and less time talking smack.

That said, Kenley spent all her time on her dress and it was a hot mess, too. Think Barney-colored reptile mated meets mermaid (the dress shape) meets an artichoke (the weird fin-looking things at the bottom). I like edgy, but it was just ...ew to me.



Still, to mimic the rest of PR’s blah season, this episode ended in an anti-climactic way: Nobody got the boot. All four will create collections for Fashion Week.

At this point, I’m rooting for Jerell. And if he wins, part of his prize should be a makeover on Tim Gunn’s Guide to Style. I'm just sayin'.

The middle finger makes me smile.

Summary haiku:
If I wanted a
scratched car, bitch, I would have bought
a damn jalopy.



It happens all the time and I've even bitched about it before. But some days, when people leave carts strewn about the parking lot, it just gets on my last nerve.

After a long and extremely annoying day at work, I had to stop at Target and return a fan that I spent 35 minutes trying to unsuccesfully assemble. It was hot and I was dressed up in heels, so lugging this giant box sucked.

Twenty minutes later, I came out of Target (with a new, improved giant box) only to watch this stupid, lazy whore empty her shopping cart, then push the cart up between all the cars... and it ended up resting against my bumper.

Of course, the fucking cart corral was right behind her. Not ten cars away, or even two. She would have had to walk directly across the aisle to slip it in. In fact, unless she had really bad aim, she actually could have shoved it from her trunk and returned the cart to the proper area without even taking any extra steps.

Why do people do this?

I don't know... it was just the last straw of my day. I slammed down my fan box next to my car and I was like, "Are you kidding me right now? Are you REALLY going to leave that cart up against my car? The corral is right there!," pointing about four feet away from her gigantic SUV.

Holding her iced Starbucks in one hand, she glared at me like I'd just eaten a kitten's face off. I took her cart and moseyed it over to the corral real slow -- which, since it was behind her, prevented her from pulling out of her space for a few minutes.

I walked be her window and smiled real big. She flipped me off.

And I think it was the first time I ever felt pretty good after being given the bird.

Project Runway: Hip-hop hooray! Wait... what is hip-hop?

It's been a long time since I so thoroughly enjoyed an episode of Project Runway.

With five designers left, the challenge was a recipe for drama and disaster: They had to make outfits for each other. And to further the complications, each garment was to be inspired by a different music genre.

Also, LL Cool J -- who is starting his own clothing line -- was the guest judge. And I cannot complain about any program that provides eye candy like that.

Anyway, here's how it all shook down. Jerell would be creating a pop look for Kenley. Kenley was to make a hip-hop ensemble for Leanne. Leanne was charged with making a country outfit for Korto. Korto was assigned a punk outfit for Suede. And Suede would make a rock look for Jerell.

From there, it was pure comedy, starting with Leanne and Kenley trying to figure out what hip-hop looked like. Kenley: "What would you want to wear if you were a hip-hop artist?" Leanne: "I'll totally do all gangster." Kenley: "I think everyone is wearing high-waisted jeans right now, and it's going to be awesome." Has Kenley actually ever seen a hip-hop video?

Then Leanne busts the worst rhyme that has ever been televised in the history of the world. I was so embarrassed for her, I had to close my eyes.

Back to Kenley: "I'm going to do something really cool that looks good on her. I'm not going to make her look like a fool." Clearly, Kenley has never seen rappers Eve (who has become a bit of a style icon) or Queen Latifah, who is a freakin' Cover Girl.

Later, Kenley asks Leanne to try on her jeans and discovered the crotch was insanely baggy and ill-fitting. When Kenley grabbed the extra fabric, Leanne exclaimed: "You're grabbing my crotch Kenley!" Finally! Ladies, crotch-grabbing is totally hip-hop.

On to the runway... and in honor of LL Cool J (swoon), we've assigned one of his songs to describe each look.

"Big Ole Butt" -- Leanne

Song quote: "When I went home, I kissed my girl on the cheek/but in the back of my mind it was this big butt freak."

As a woman with some junk in her trunk, I meant this song assignment in the nicest possible way. Leanne did Korto and her ample backside proud with a figure-flattering skirt/top/belt/scarf outfit. The judges didn't think it was country enough, but it hugged her curves well.

"Why Do You Think They Call It Dope?" -- Jerell

Song quote: "You better take a chill and observe the skill/of the man who can, so understand.... damn."

Jerell's fishnet laden minidress for Kenley was bangin'. I'll just let him describe it for himself. "Kenley Spears would be rocking this at Madison Square Garden and then probably be kickin' her panties off in the back of a limosine. That's the kind of outfit I've created."

"Dear Yvette" – Kenley

Song quote: "I'm glad you ain't my sister, then again if you was/I'd have to treat you like you was my distant cuz."

Not only is Kenley a witch to everyone on the show, her badly-crafted design also revealed how completely out of touch she is with pop culture.

"It Gets No Rougher" – Suede

Song quote: "Your battleship is sinkin' in quicksand/Strappin' to the bottom like a two-ton anchor."

Suede's rock and roll pants/tank/vest outfit was OK, but lacked the accessories and edge needed to wow the judges. He got the boot.

"I'm Bad"– Korto

Song quote: "I'm the pinnacle, that means I reign supreme/I'm notorious, I'll crush you like a jellybean!"

After making perfectly-fitting metallic black jeans for Suede, Korto distressed them with bleach and paired them with a well thought out top. She topped the whole thing off with tons of chains. She's declared the winner.

Break out the KITT-Kats, it's time for Knight Rider!

The only thing better than watching your favorite TV show is tuning in with your own personal peanut gallery. If I had the time and energy (and if my friends actually watched all the crap I watch), I'd host viewing parties every night of the week.

I really love the idea of creating a theme party, and often it can be done with stuff you already have at home or with relatively little expense. Here are some ideas I'm toying with:

Survivor
The show: Contestants starve, camp, compete and argue for a cash prize.
Snacks: Starving and camping inspired foods: 10 grains of rice for each guest; pork ‘n' beans; S'mores; water (boiled for cleanliness). Offer twigs as utensils.
Decor: Easy decorations could include things we take for granted, such as deodorant, toothpaste, shampoo and clean underwear. You could also uild a kiddie shelter out of couch cushions, chairs and sheets. If you're feeling ambitious, drag a TV and a really long extension cord into the back yard and set up all of the above in a giant camping tent.

Knight Rider
The show: A remake of the 1980s favorite about a man and his futuristic car.
Snacks: Stoplight Jell-O shots in red, yellow and green; pasta salad made with wheel shaped pasta; Kit(t)-Kats.
Decor: Hot Wheels; traffic cones; a GPS (which is as close as we will get to our own KITT); and for nostalgia purposes, you must have this David Hasselhoff poster.

Nip/Tuck
The show: Plastic surgeons from Miami make their way in L.A. while dealing with myriad egos and personal dramas.
Snacks: Boobie cookies; prescription pain killers; and Julia's favorite fruit cake (minus poison).
Decor: Toy scalpels (Halloween is coming, so stock up); hand-held mirrors; wax lips; silicone push-up pads (removed from Victoria's Secret bras); Sharpies (circle your cellulite during the commercials!).

Californication
Snacks: Viagra, vodka, marijuana.
Decor: A candy dish filled with condoms, brochures to Sex Addicts Anonymous; Mood rings. (Get it? Hank Moody!)

Rock of Love Tour Bus
The show: Slated for early 2009, Bret Michaels will look for another girlfriend (cough*hooch*cough) as he travels around the country on a bus performing at state fairs.
Snacks: Insulin, Budweiser, HoHos, penicillin.
Decor: Personalized back stage passes for each guest; roses; thorns; tubes of black liquid eyeliner.

Dexter
The show: While working in Miami's crime lab, a sociopath lives an underground life as a serial killer.
Snacks: Blood oranges (naturally), donuts (which Dex always brings to his girlfriends and coworkers), tteak and beer (Dexter's dinner of choice).
Decor: Miniature plastic dolls in tiny body bags; and the tools of Dexter's trade: Saran Wrap, blood slides, and duct tape.

Easy Money
The show: A drama series about a family of loan sharks.
Snacks: If you're struggling financially because you're in debt, this might be a perfect party for you to throw. Serve wine in a box; Ramen noodles; chocolate coins.
Decor: Credit counseling information; Monopoly money; Suze Orman books.

America's Toughest Jobs
The show: A reality competition in which people are thrust into dangerous and demanding jobs, such as logging, ice-fishing and oil drilling.
Snacks: Coffee (served in Thermoses); big, meaty, Dagwood sandwiches; potato chips.
Decor: Hard hats, insulated cooler lunch box (serve the food out of these); steel toe boots and Carhaart jackets.

Keeping Up With the Kardashians
The show: Follows ample-bottomed Kim Kardashian's family, which includes the thousand or so siblings birthed by her mother, Kris.
Snacks: Honey Buns, cornbread; Sister Starseeker cocktails.
Decor: Hair extensions; business cards to your favorite family therapist; Kim's Playboy issue.

The Ex List
The show: After a psychic tells a woman that her soulmate is a man that she's already dated, she sets out to find him.
Snacks: Break-up staples such as ice cream and red wine, followed by get-skinny-again snacks like carrots and celery.
Decor: Photos that you've ripped your exes' face out of; old journals; a drunk-dialing phone list.

The Hills
The show: Lauren Conrad and her friends engage in repetitive, vapid conversations about themselves and boys.
Snacks: A menu inspired by the vapid Hills stars: Rice cakes (filled with air, just like the conversations); oxygen bar (see the pattern here?); Red Bull (for staying alert during the 418th discussion about Audrina and Lauren's splintered friendship).
Decor: A stack of applicable tabloids; gigantic sunglasses; a barf bag (for Heidi and Spencer scenes); and a dictionary and Boggle game, in order to replenish lost brain cells during commercial breaks.

Emmy Fashion: Strapless Dresses Reign; Sandra Oh Shines.

Sandra Oh and Eva Longoria were among the fashion standouts at the 60th Annual Emmy Awards Sunday night.

It was a night rich with long, flowing dresses and tresses; splashes of color; metallics; straplessness; and flashy jewelry.

As always, classic black dresses were popular on the red carpet, but Oh's black Oscar de la Renta gown was a cut above the rest. Varying textures on the top (lace) and bottom (which had subtle sparkles) were spliced together with a simple black sash that tied in a bow. Her enormous diamond stud earrings were the perfect compliment.

Meanwhile, Longoria defied the floor-length gown norm with her short, matte silver dress, which featured a giant jeweled bow on top and flapper-like fringe on the bottom. Her charcoal smoky eyes, nude lipstick and sleek bob hairstyle completed her memorable and modern look.

America Ferrera was anything but ugly in a strapless, black ruched dress had great shape and lots of personality. She paired it with wavy, flowing locks, red lips and a chunky Fred Leighton necklace for a sophisticated elegant look.

Jenna Fischer, The Office's resident frumpster, was stunning in a Grecian style Gustavo Cadile gown that blended shades of seafoam green, light gray and aqua. The casual feel of her long, wavy locks made her look effortlessly beautiful.

In her metallic gray, off the shoulder gown, Heidi Klum also sported a head-turning capelet.

Ugly Betty's Vanessa Williams was lovely in a black, white and rose print gown by Kevan Hall, with one rhinestone shoulder strap. She topped it off with the perfect diamond drop earrings.

In a green, body-hugging gown, Christina Hendricks of Mad Men showed off her curvaceous figure and the color was a gorgeous complement to her red hair. As for other pretty jewel tones, Nicolette Sheridan turned up in a strapless purple gown, while Brooke Shields was fantastic in strapless fuschia and Tina Fey was elegant in eggplant.

Christina Applegate was a vision in an ice blue asymmetrical dress with metallic patches, pulled-back hair and classic red lipstick.

A few celebs were just a shade shy of perfect. Jennifer Love Hewitt's black and white, strapless Carolina Herrera dress stood out in a crowd, but her big, kinky up 'do looked like something I would have done in high school – and that was in the late 1980s, people. Not a good thing.

Mariska Hargitay was beautiful in her show-stopping, canary yellow asymmetrical dress with a bow on one shoulder and her loose up 'do was divine. But those yellow earrings were a little too much.

Teri Hatcher was ho-hum in a bright yellow dress, which might have been more special if it weren't shown up by Hargitay's number.

The silhouette, shape and back of Julia Louis-Dreyfus' Narciso Rodriguez criss-cross dress was wonderful. But it was salmon, which was reminiscnet of a 1980s bridesmaid, and there was a peekaboo of skin below her chest that didn't scream elegance.

And then, there were the unfortunate.

I only saw January Jones for a moment, when the camera panned over her. But after seeing the Mad Men actress wear so many stylish period dresses on the show, I wasn't impressed by her white mermaid dress. Its bustier top and many seams throughout looked more Frederick's of Hollywood than Hollywood.

Marcia Cross' gown, with its lacy floral overlay on top and poufy netting on the bottom, seemed like it wanted to be champagne colored, but it ended up looking like a used tea bag. The unremarkable color didn't flatter her skin tone, and the dress hit her mid-calf. Thumbs down, especially after seeing another redhead (Hendricks) do her coloring so proud. Cross should have hopped on that jewel tones bus.

Finally, Kathy Griffin's outfit wasn't necessarily on the D-List, but it didn't make the grade. I was all about her strapless, mocha and light pink damask print mermaid gown until the camera panned down to that hideous bow made of baby-poop-green netting that tied around the largest part of her hips – which aren't big, by any means, but still. Yuck.

The Emmys: Knee-jerk reaction

Oh my God. Just when I thought I'd been subjected to enough torture by watching that grueling, boring opening featuring all the reality show hosts, I am now watching Josh Groban perform his medley of TV themes.

This guy is a tool. These shows are horrible. I'm only watching because I feel like I didn't get to see enough outfits on the red carpet.

I think I'm going to get some wine.

The Tribe Has Spoken: These TV Catchphrases Need To Be Fired

This guy (above) coaches men on how to pick up ladies. But do you know any women who would date a guy with a hat like that??



When Survivor began in 2000, it spawned a catchphrase that would become a part of pop-culture vernacular: “The Tribe Has Spoken.” And to be fair, it was a pretty good elimination line, considering the premise of the show.
Since that time, scores of competition-style reality shows have booted people off with lines that are lame, that beat around the bush, or that are just straight-up uncreative. Sure, most of these phrases are probably designed to leave the rejects with some dignity, but let’s face it: How much dignity do you really have if you sign up for shows like these?
The worst we’ve heard in a while – from VH1's Glam God – was our inspiration for this story. So, here are the shows with the worst elimination lines, and our suggestions for a replacement.

Glam God
Show premise: Twelve stylists compete for the title of ‘Glam God.’
Exit line: “Continue to reach for the stars, because you're not ready to style them.”
Proposed phrase: “Mr. Blackwell would be appalled.”

The Pick-Up Artist
The premise: A bunch of doofuses are coached on how to seduce women by a giant tool named Mystery.
Exit line: “Game over.”
Proposed phrase: “See you on Match.com.” Or, "Go fuck yourself."

Project Runway
The premise: Fashion designers compete for a cash prize and a chance to show a collection at Fashion Week.
Exit line: “You’re out.”
Proposed phrase(s): “You’re out – like a banana clip.” Or,“You’re out – like stirrup pants.”

America’s Next Top Model
The premise: Tall, skinny young lovelies compete for a modeling contract and magazine spread.
Exit line: “You are no longer in the running to become America’s Next Top Model.”
Proposed phrase: “Girl, you broke the camera! Now, please, go eat a sandwich.”

The Apprentice: Martha Stewart
The premise: A contest to get hired by the domestic diva.
Exit line: “You just don’t fit in.”
Proposed catchphrase: “You’ve singed your souffle.”

I Want To Work For Diddy
The premise: A contest to become Diddy’s personal assistant.
Exit line: “You’re not ready to work for Diddy.”
Proposed phrase: “You’ve been snuffed by Puff.”

Beauty and the Geek
The premise: Attractive women and nerdy guys live together in a mansion and pair up for competitions.
Exit line: “I have to ask you to leave the mansion.”
Proposed phrase: “Nobody watches this show, so your 15 minutes of pretend fame are up.”


Rock of Love
The premise: Skanks of all flavors compete to be Bret Michaels girlfriend, and follow him on tours to state fairs and high school proms.
Exit line: “Your tour ends here.”
Proposed phrase: “Now you’ll never have to see what’s underneath this wig.”

Shear Genius
The premise: Hair stylists enter a hair-cutting contest.
Exit line: “This was your final cut.”
Proposed phrase: “You make a mullet look stylish.”

I Love Money
Show premise: Former contestants from Rock of Love and Flavor of Love compete in various challenges to win $250,000.
Exit line: “Your check has been voided.”
Proposed phrase: “Get a real job.”