TV Inspired GPS Units: Getting There Is Half The Fun

Forget KITT, I want Joy!

It recently came to my attention that Radio Shack released a GPS that speaks in the voice of KITT from Knight Rider. Now, let's be honest: How is that really much different than the grating robotic voices that plague any other navigation device?

On my own GPS, I listened to all 15 of my voice choices multiple times to determine which was the least annoying. I chose "Mandy" -- and after about three weeks of listening to her directions, I had to just mute the thing. Now, I just follow the arrows on the screen.

Anyway, I have a couple of problems with the idea of a KITT GPS. First, if a gadget company is going to try and make some money off of TV addicts, don't you think they should pick a better show than Knight Rider? The current remake of the show is really stinkin' awful.

Second, even if Knight Rider were good, would I really want to spend my car time listening to and/or (hypothetically) having a conversation with boring, condescending ol' KITT? Not so much.

So here are some suggestions for TV-inspired GPS units that I'd actually consider buying for entertainment purposes -- oh, and to help me reach my destination. And for fun, I've included things they might say. (If TomTom or Garvin suddenly comes up with this idea in six months, you saw it here first.)

Model: Joy Darville from My Name is Earl

Sample phrases: "Hey, numb nuts, you just missed your turn!"

"Your driving is makin' me sweat like a whore in church. Now, slow this thang down cuz you need to make a right in two blocks."

"Oh, sorry, sugar. (Chomps gum.) I was distracted by my boob glitter. You shoulda made a left back there. Turn around up here at the trailer park. Maybe we can grab a beer at the kegger while we're up there."

Model: Jim Halpert, the resident practical joker from The Office

Sample phrase: "You're going to want to take this next freeway exit. (Long pause.) No, wait! I was just kidding! Swerve back onto the highway. You actually want the next one."

Model: Tim Gunn, mentor on Project Runway

Sample phrases: "Your destination involves a lot of turns, but we're going to make it work."

"This traffic jam gives me pause. We're going to have to think hard about this and really edit ourselves."

Model: Beavis & Butt-head
Sample phrases:

Butt-head: "Uh, heh-heh, in two miles, uh, turn right on Astor Ave."

Beavis: "Heh heh heh. He said Ass-tor."

Butt-head: "Shut up, Beavis! Hey, uh, driver. Could you, uh, turn up the Metallica?"

Model: The cast from The Hills
Sample phrases:
Lauren: "Wait, I only know the way to Les Deux, Opera and Pinkberry. Are we going any of those places?"

Lo: "I dunno. Ask the driver. Hey, why is Audrina with us?"

Audrina: "Lo, you're super bitchy! Anyway, I have no idea how to get where we're going. I can't see the road because I'm too busy staring into never-never land."

Lauren: "Yeah, but the driver doesn't know how to get there, either. That's why we're here. We're supposed to help."

Whitney: "So, Lauren. Have you met any new boys? Are you going to respond to that letter Heidi sent you?"

Spencer: "What letter? God, why don't you hens shut up and give her the directions already! No wonder I hate all of you!"