TV Throwdown: Survivor Vs. The Amazing Race
This week marks the return of two successful reality shows that make me really happy to be a couch potato. I like adventure and all, but usually in much smaller doses than are offered by Survivor (the Tocantins installation premieres Thursday at 8 p.m. on CBS) or The Amazing Race (premieres Sunday at 8 p.m., also on CBS).
Each has more than ten seasons under its belt, and I thought it was high time the programs themselves were subjected to some sort of competition: A TV Throwdown.
AMENITIES
On Survivor, contestants may win a fabulous meal, but it will then give them explosive diarrhea after having noshed on rice and minnows for days on end. They have to build their own shelter, go find water -- and hey, are they even allowed to bring a "luxury item" anymore?
Competitors on The Amazing Race get to stay in hotels and get cleaned up in between their grueling challenges, in addition to winning prizes. Sure, they are always on the go, but changing your underwear and shaving your armpits are not things to take for granted.
Survivor: 0
Amazing Race: 1
ADVENTURES
Granted, AR folks don't get to explore their new territories with leisure. Since they're being timed, they get the extreme Cliff's Notes version of each country's culture. Still, that's much more invigorating and educational that spending all your days getting eaten alive by mosquitoes, plotting against people, and fantasizing about shampoo, toothbrushes and Chik-Fil-A sandwiches.
Survivor: 0
Amazing Race: 2
DRAMA
Two different kinds of drama unfold on these shows. On AR, the teams are on a strict schedule and teammates inevitably have skirmishes about how to most efficiently proceed with the task at hand. But even when they fight, at the end of the day, they always have someone who is on their side. (However, an already fragile relationship could be forever marred in a high-pressure situation like this.)
Survivor contestants have nothing but time on their hands which often leads to paranoid delusions, and also allows for teammates to grate on each other's last nerve. Tribe members constantly turn on each other. And half the time, when someone is voted off, the ousted member is completely taken by surprise.
Survivor: 1
Amazing Race: 2
HISTORY
Now entering its 18th season, Survivor certainly wasn't the first reality show, but it was pretty much the first of its kind: A program that put contestants in seemingly impossible situations, pitting them against each other for a cash prize. When Survivor first started in 2000, the premise was so unusual, it was the water cooler topic at many jobs.
The Amazing Race, which premiered in 2001, offered another fresh reality concept and exciting, edge-of-your-seat premise. And while it seems to have surpassed Survivor in popularity and critical acclaim (AR has 11 Primetime Emmys to Survivor's three), we have to give the edge to the show that spawned so many imitators.
Survivor: 2
Amazing Race: 2
BENEFITS
If you're a Survivor contestant, chances are you're doing to drop at least 20 pounds and get a rockin' tan. Sure, you might be malnourished, but hey, who can complain about looking great in a (smaller) sun dress at the finale?
On The Amazing Race, you can rack up the passport stamps and become a lot more worldly. Plus, any future travel to foreign countries will probably seem like a breeze in comparison. You're also likely to get into better shape because of all the running around and stiff physical challenges.
Survivor: 2
Amazing Race: 3
Bottom line: The tribe has spoken. We have much respect for our elders, but sometimes the pioneers pave the way for bigger and better things down the line. The Amazing Race is truly amazing.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Love Is In The Air: The Best and Worst TV Couples
Valentine's Day is upon us, and it's a holiday about which I feel conflicted. On one hand, it's grossly over-commercialized and filled with pressure. But on the other, it is nice to celebrate your significant other – and I have no complaints about flowers and candy, even if they are a little cliche.
So to celebrate my wishy-washiness about Cupid's big day, I'm highlighting five TV relationships (from still-airing programs) that seem destined for success, and five that give love a bad name.
I love:
Tara and Max, United States of Tara
As this series is new, we're still seeing their relationship unfold, but the back story is that Max and Tara have been married for almost 20 years. And while they have their speed bumps (see: her multiple personalities, Buck, T and Alice), their bond has clearly been strong enough to perservere. They have the same struggles as any other long time couple, but seem committed to making it work.
Dwight and Angela, The Office.
Jim and Pam are sweet, but boring. The best thing about Dwight and Angela is that they're both anal nerds at heart, but also have no problem shagging on company time every now and then. Plus, their whole dynamic together is so awkward that it seems like a perfect fit. I want them to officially get back together.
Sookie and Bill, True Blood.
From the first time they met, you could sense the connection between telepathic Sookie and vampire Bill. Yes, he's robbing the cradle, he bites Sookie during sex and isn't readily available for brunch dates. But he also regularly saves her life and appears to be pretty good in the sack. This is the ultimate bad-boy, good girl coupling.
Bill, Barb, Nikki and Margene, Big Love
Obviously, polygamy isn't for everyone. But this foursome have better, more functional relationships than many duos we know in real life. They work together and are unconditionally supportive of each other. Plus, there's always someone around to watch the kids, clean the house, make dinner and have sex with Bill. Sometimes one lady doesn't feel up to doing all of those things in one night.
Tom and Lynette, Desperate Housewives
It would have been easy for Tom and Lynette to call it quits, what with their ever-changing careers, hell-on-wheels children, the neighborhood drama and the stress of Lynette's cancer. But in the mess that is Wisteria Lane, the Scavos always find a way to make it work and be the most stable, loving couple on the block.
I loathe:
Izzie and Denny's ghost, Grey's Anatomy
Izzie's affair with her dead lover may or may not be a figment of her imagination, but it's still among the worst storylines ever. I don't even watch this show anymore, but have still heard about this plot a million times and nobody seems to like it. Ghost sex is not romantic, it's creepy.
Kath and Phil,Kath and Kim
Sure, we chuckle when they do their speed walking exercise routine together, but these two social misfits and their gross PDA are just too nauseating to watch. There's someone for everyone, but these two should be hidden away.
Christian and Liz, Nip/Tuck
Surely, this story line can't have much traction, but I hate even watching it play out. I wouldn't wish Christian upon anyone, especially not a lesbian taking her first foray into hetero relations in years. Liz is way too good for this egomaniacal womanizer, and no matter how strong she is, her heart and pride are bound to end up in tatters.
Larry and Cheryl, Curb Your Enthusiasm
Speaking of too good, what can Cheryl possibly see in Larry? He's a selfish, bumbling, insensitive man – and, let's face it, he's not winning any beauty contests, either. Their separation last season added some realistic depth to the show. I love both characters, but I'm glad they're not together.
Silas and neighbor lady, Weeds
Show of hands: Who else is grossed out by 17-year-old Silas mounting the older, MILF, sandwich lady in a room full of weed and cold cuts? Not only is it unsanitary, it's kinda depraved. Silas has obvious mommy issues because his own madre is so emotionally unavailable.
So to celebrate my wishy-washiness about Cupid's big day, I'm highlighting five TV relationships (from still-airing programs) that seem destined for success, and five that give love a bad name.
I love:
Tara and Max, United States of Tara
As this series is new, we're still seeing their relationship unfold, but the back story is that Max and Tara have been married for almost 20 years. And while they have their speed bumps (see: her multiple personalities, Buck, T and Alice), their bond has clearly been strong enough to perservere. They have the same struggles as any other long time couple, but seem committed to making it work.
Dwight and Angela, The Office.
Jim and Pam are sweet, but boring. The best thing about Dwight and Angela is that they're both anal nerds at heart, but also have no problem shagging on company time every now and then. Plus, their whole dynamic together is so awkward that it seems like a perfect fit. I want them to officially get back together.
Sookie and Bill, True Blood.
From the first time they met, you could sense the connection between telepathic Sookie and vampire Bill. Yes, he's robbing the cradle, he bites Sookie during sex and isn't readily available for brunch dates. But he also regularly saves her life and appears to be pretty good in the sack. This is the ultimate bad-boy, good girl coupling.
Bill, Barb, Nikki and Margene, Big Love
Obviously, polygamy isn't for everyone. But this foursome have better, more functional relationships than many duos we know in real life. They work together and are unconditionally supportive of each other. Plus, there's always someone around to watch the kids, clean the house, make dinner and have sex with Bill. Sometimes one lady doesn't feel up to doing all of those things in one night.
Tom and Lynette, Desperate Housewives
It would have been easy for Tom and Lynette to call it quits, what with their ever-changing careers, hell-on-wheels children, the neighborhood drama and the stress of Lynette's cancer. But in the mess that is Wisteria Lane, the Scavos always find a way to make it work and be the most stable, loving couple on the block.
I loathe:
Izzie and Denny's ghost, Grey's Anatomy
Izzie's affair with her dead lover may or may not be a figment of her imagination, but it's still among the worst storylines ever. I don't even watch this show anymore, but have still heard about this plot a million times and nobody seems to like it. Ghost sex is not romantic, it's creepy.
Kath and Phil,Kath and Kim
Sure, we chuckle when they do their speed walking exercise routine together, but these two social misfits and their gross PDA are just too nauseating to watch. There's someone for everyone, but these two should be hidden away.
Christian and Liz, Nip/Tuck
Surely, this story line can't have much traction, but I hate even watching it play out. I wouldn't wish Christian upon anyone, especially not a lesbian taking her first foray into hetero relations in years. Liz is way too good for this egomaniacal womanizer, and no matter how strong she is, her heart and pride are bound to end up in tatters.
Larry and Cheryl, Curb Your Enthusiasm
Speaking of too good, what can Cheryl possibly see in Larry? He's a selfish, bumbling, insensitive man – and, let's face it, he's not winning any beauty contests, either. Their separation last season added some realistic depth to the show. I love both characters, but I'm glad they're not together.
Silas and neighbor lady, Weeds
Show of hands: Who else is grossed out by 17-year-old Silas mounting the older, MILF, sandwich lady in a room full of weed and cold cuts? Not only is it unsanitary, it's kinda depraved. Silas has obvious mommy issues because his own madre is so emotionally unavailable.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Rock of Love Bus is a Ride to Hell
I'll be honest: I am no stranger to terrible, trashy reality TV shows. I watched Flavor of Love and Rock of Love, both seasons of Bad Girls Club; Stylista, and both seasons of Charm School, which resurrected skanks from FOL and ROL and attempted to teach them manners and pride.
And that's just for starters.
I do love quality TV programs, too, but truth be told, I have no pride about what I watch. Because of that, I was shocked – no, make that floored – that a reality show was still able to unnerve me.
But thanks to Bret Michaels and his Rock of Love Bus (9 p.m. Sundays, VH1), I've considered squeezing gallons of hand sanitizer into my eyes and ears every week.
First of all, was it really necessary to film a third installation of Bret Michaels' search for love? I'm sure there are tons of nasty groupies at his concerts, so finding a skank to take home to mother surely can't be that difficult. It's not like he's looking for love with a doctor, or a lawyer, or some other upstanding professional that just doesn't have time to date around.
Anyway, here are some things that have happened in the first four installations of the show:
1. In the opening episode, one contestant inserted a shot of liquor, served in a test tube, someplace that it didn't belong. It's a good thing alcohol kills bacteria because another woman drank the shot from its, um, holder.
2. Another woman performed for Bret a self-written rap song, which she penned on the back of genital disease information sheets about herpes and gonorrhea.
3. When Bret planned mock weddings in episode two, he asked the "ladies" to write vows and bring him a gift. One woman vowed: "I promise to cook you the best, rockin' food, and to never, ever wear panties." Another woman's gift: A piece of jewelry that she had removed from a body piercing; she invited him to replace it at a later date.
4. At one point, a contestant got so drunk that she threw up – just moments before making out with Bret. His reaction: He said her kisses tasted like tequila, Doritos and "some other familiar taste.... It was the best Dorito I've ever tasted."
5. During a recent episode, Bret told the ladies to "dress to impress." On most shows, this would mean pulling out your finest nice evening gown, a little black dress, or perhaps a sun dress. On ROL Bus, it means "put on your sluttiest lingerie and then stop getting dressed." They all showed up in public wearing pleather maid's uniforms, child-sized underwear and the like.
6. The irony of the above situation, is that they were showing up to a challenge in which they'd have to act as roadies, breaking down all the band's equipment in a timed contest. When one lady took a really brutal fall backwards off the stage, she immediately gets back up and kept working even though she was in obvious pain. Her teammates are totally supportive and sympathetic: "Bret's a rock star, and if you want to date a rock star, you better get used to falling off the stage, bitch!"
And seriously, people, these are just a few highlights. All the stuff in between is just as hairball. Can you believe this is running on a regular cable station? I've seen less offensive stuff on pay-per-view.
Let's discuss.
And that's just for starters.
I do love quality TV programs, too, but truth be told, I have no pride about what I watch. Because of that, I was shocked – no, make that floored – that a reality show was still able to unnerve me.
But thanks to Bret Michaels and his Rock of Love Bus (9 p.m. Sundays, VH1), I've considered squeezing gallons of hand sanitizer into my eyes and ears every week.
First of all, was it really necessary to film a third installation of Bret Michaels' search for love? I'm sure there are tons of nasty groupies at his concerts, so finding a skank to take home to mother surely can't be that difficult. It's not like he's looking for love with a doctor, or a lawyer, or some other upstanding professional that just doesn't have time to date around.
Anyway, here are some things that have happened in the first four installations of the show:
1. In the opening episode, one contestant inserted a shot of liquor, served in a test tube, someplace that it didn't belong. It's a good thing alcohol kills bacteria because another woman drank the shot from its, um, holder.
2. Another woman performed for Bret a self-written rap song, which she penned on the back of genital disease information sheets about herpes and gonorrhea.
3. When Bret planned mock weddings in episode two, he asked the "ladies" to write vows and bring him a gift. One woman vowed: "I promise to cook you the best, rockin' food, and to never, ever wear panties." Another woman's gift: A piece of jewelry that she had removed from a body piercing; she invited him to replace it at a later date.
4. At one point, a contestant got so drunk that she threw up – just moments before making out with Bret. His reaction: He said her kisses tasted like tequila, Doritos and "some other familiar taste.... It was the best Dorito I've ever tasted."
5. During a recent episode, Bret told the ladies to "dress to impress." On most shows, this would mean pulling out your finest nice evening gown, a little black dress, or perhaps a sun dress. On ROL Bus, it means "put on your sluttiest lingerie and then stop getting dressed." They all showed up in public wearing pleather maid's uniforms, child-sized underwear and the like.
6. The irony of the above situation, is that they were showing up to a challenge in which they'd have to act as roadies, breaking down all the band's equipment in a timed contest. When one lady took a really brutal fall backwards off the stage, she immediately gets back up and kept working even though she was in obvious pain. Her teammates are totally supportive and sympathetic: "Bret's a rock star, and if you want to date a rock star, you better get used to falling off the stage, bitch!"
And seriously, people, these are just a few highlights. All the stuff in between is just as hairball. Can you believe this is running on a regular cable station? I've seen less offensive stuff on pay-per-view.
Let's discuss.
Friday, January 30, 2009
I'm Sick Of Watching Divorce Court
I am ill.
There are 130 tissues in a box of Kleenex with lotion. I have used two full boxes since Tuesday and my hubs just went to get me more. I have watched about 30 episodes of Divorce Court, several terrible Lifetime movies and tried to read a Dr. Seuss book to the baby in my stomach but it gave me a headache after four pages.
I am totally lucky to have power and heat, as much of the city doesn't after a huge snow/ice storm. But I'm still feeling sorry for myself today. I'd much rather be at work or traipsing around in snow and ice than feeling like a bag of shit for the fifth day in a row.
Woe is me. Please, antibiotics, start working soon.
There are 130 tissues in a box of Kleenex with lotion. I have used two full boxes since Tuesday and my hubs just went to get me more. I have watched about 30 episodes of Divorce Court, several terrible Lifetime movies and tried to read a Dr. Seuss book to the baby in my stomach but it gave me a headache after four pages.
I am totally lucky to have power and heat, as much of the city doesn't after a huge snow/ice storm. But I'm still feeling sorry for myself today. I'd much rather be at work or traipsing around in snow and ice than feeling like a bag of shit for the fifth day in a row.
Woe is me. Please, antibiotics, start working soon.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
The Hills Vs. The City
It was only a matter of time before we ended up comparing The City to The Hills.
After all, Whitney Port spent several years as Lauren Conrad's co-worker and friend before she branched out to New York and scored her own TV show. As a fan of Whitney (come on, she was easily the most put together cast member of The Hills), I was looking forward to her being the star of her own show. Plus, she had a job in fashion in New York. What's not to love?
As it turns out, a lot. It's just as annoying as The Hills can be, but for different reasons. Let's compare:
Love to hate characters: OK, so The Hills has Spencer Pratt, one of the biggest "reality" TV villains ever. During the first episode of The City, it seemed like Olivia was going to be an irritating, elitist witch, what with her million pairs of Manolos and fancy dinner parties. But so far, she's turned out to be sort of benign, if not boring.
She simply cannot compare to Spencer, who treats Heidi like crap, makes her mother cry and has that ridiculous, rodent-pelt growing from his face. And, we have a winner!
The Hills: 1
The City: 0
Conversation skills: On The City, all the characters manage to speak in complete sentences. Granted, their conversations might be a snoozefest, but at least they don't all break off mid-sentence.
Lauren and company are boring as well, but they also communicate as though they took a giant, mind-erasing bong hit in the middle of a thought, ie: "I can't decide if I should talk to Audrina, or ..."
So.... we'd rather talk to Whitney or Erin, thanks.
The Hills: 1
The City: 1
Crying: Between Lauren, Audrina and Stephanie, mascara tears are probably shed on nearly every episode of The Hills. Lauren gets upset when Audrina is too busy to ask her leading questions about her life. Audrina weeps over Justin Bobby. And Stephanie is generally unstable, although being related to Spencer is reason enough to cry on a regular basis.
But so far, we haven't seen Whit or her pals shed any tears. Maybe they're too busy working and/or maintaining a small shred of personal dignity. Chalk one up for The City.
Hills: 1
The City: 2
Scandals: The Hills has had several seasons to get a head start on this category. There was the infamous sex tape scandal; as well as small skirmishes, such Lauren's splintering friendships with (choose one) Heidi/Audrina/Stephanie; and former friends turned enemies, Spencer vs. Brody.
So far, the biggest scandals we've seen on The City have been Adam kissing another woman while his girl was out of town; Whitney leaving work to go look at an apartment; and Olivia's cousin getting a ticket for spitting in public.
Hey, guess what? I got a parking ticket last week, left work early on Friday and I'm pregnant! My life is officially more exciting than anyone's in The City... and I can't even drink alcohol right now.
The Hills: 2
The City: 2
I officially declare this battle a draw.
Bottom line: Is there really a victor in a contest of banal reality (cough*scripted*cough) shows? The City's cast features slightly more likeable people, so if I were forced to choose friends, it'd probably be them. But for entertainment purposes, I'd rather watch The Hills. I may say that I hate Spencer and the crying, but it sure passes the time better than watching Whitney go to non-lunches with co-workers, or seeing Olivia teeter down the street in sky-high heels.
After all, Whitney Port spent several years as Lauren Conrad's co-worker and friend before she branched out to New York and scored her own TV show. As a fan of Whitney (come on, she was easily the most put together cast member of The Hills), I was looking forward to her being the star of her own show. Plus, she had a job in fashion in New York. What's not to love?
As it turns out, a lot. It's just as annoying as The Hills can be, but for different reasons. Let's compare:
Love to hate characters: OK, so The Hills has Spencer Pratt, one of the biggest "reality" TV villains ever. During the first episode of The City, it seemed like Olivia was going to be an irritating, elitist witch, what with her million pairs of Manolos and fancy dinner parties. But so far, she's turned out to be sort of benign, if not boring.
She simply cannot compare to Spencer, who treats Heidi like crap, makes her mother cry and has that ridiculous, rodent-pelt growing from his face. And, we have a winner!
The Hills: 1
The City: 0
Conversation skills: On The City, all the characters manage to speak in complete sentences. Granted, their conversations might be a snoozefest, but at least they don't all break off mid-sentence.
Lauren and company are boring as well, but they also communicate as though they took a giant, mind-erasing bong hit in the middle of a thought, ie: "I can't decide if I should talk to Audrina, or ..."
So.... we'd rather talk to Whitney or Erin, thanks.
The Hills: 1
The City: 1
Crying: Between Lauren, Audrina and Stephanie, mascara tears are probably shed on nearly every episode of The Hills. Lauren gets upset when Audrina is too busy to ask her leading questions about her life. Audrina weeps over Justin Bobby. And Stephanie is generally unstable, although being related to Spencer is reason enough to cry on a regular basis.
But so far, we haven't seen Whit or her pals shed any tears. Maybe they're too busy working and/or maintaining a small shred of personal dignity. Chalk one up for The City.
Hills: 1
The City: 2
Scandals: The Hills has had several seasons to get a head start on this category. There was the infamous sex tape scandal; as well as small skirmishes, such Lauren's splintering friendships with (choose one) Heidi/Audrina/Stephanie; and former friends turned enemies, Spencer vs. Brody.
So far, the biggest scandals we've seen on The City have been Adam kissing another woman while his girl was out of town; Whitney leaving work to go look at an apartment; and Olivia's cousin getting a ticket for spitting in public.
Hey, guess what? I got a parking ticket last week, left work early on Friday and I'm pregnant! My life is officially more exciting than anyone's in The City... and I can't even drink alcohol right now.
The Hills: 2
The City: 2
I officially declare this battle a draw.
Bottom line: Is there really a victor in a contest of banal reality (cough*scripted*cough) shows? The City's cast features slightly more likeable people, so if I were forced to choose friends, it'd probably be them. But for entertainment purposes, I'd rather watch The Hills. I may say that I hate Spencer and the crying, but it sure passes the time better than watching Whitney go to non-lunches with co-workers, or seeing Olivia teeter down the street in sky-high heels.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
25 Things
So, I've been tagged to post "25 random things about myself" on Facebook, like, 8 times. And finally, I am bored enough to do it. But I won't post it there, because I'll feel too lame (in front of the people I barely know but are my "friends"). So I'm doing it here instead.
Feel free to ignore.
1. If I could get up early enough to make them, I would eat tamales or enchiladas for breakfast at least once a week.
2. I only thought I'd live in Louisville for a few years. April will make six years.
3. I sometimes wonder what my natural hair color is. But not enough to stop coloring it.
4. It may or may not be true, but I think astrology can explain a lot about a person.
5. Shoes are my weakness.
6. Lately, I've had a couple of dreams that Michelle Obama and I are friends, and we go shopping together at J. Crew.
7. Every time I buy a Powerball ticket, I'm positive that I will win.
8. The teenager in me would have never believed this, but I now hate talking on the phone.
9. It's so cold at my job, I usually huddle underneath a pink Hello Kitty blanket at my desk.
10. I watch Young & The Restless every night at 7 p.m. on SoapNet.
11. Mayonnaise, mushrooms and black licorice make me shudder.
12. Vacuuming and folding laundry are my two favorite household chores.
13. Converting over to one of those flat wallets changed my life.
14. I'm happiest when I'm wearing a dress and heels.
15. I have at least 50 shades of eyeshadow, maybe more.
16. It pisses me off when I can't sleep past 7:30 on weekends. Why do you wake me up, body? WHY?
17. I love the Golden Girls. I watch them a lot when I go to bed at night.
18. The heated seats in my car almost make winter bearable.
19. I wonder why so many people in Louisville are absolutely incapable of posing for any photo without flashing a peace sign or some "I'm the shit" look on their face. Is it a regional thing, or are they just idiots?
20. I hate that I live so far away from so many of my close girlfriends.
21. The two best Christmas presents I have ever received are: My dog, Lucy, and my GPS, which saves me untold amounts of gas and miles on my car.
22. I just ate some cereal and it wasn't very satisfying. Should have had toast instead.
23. Unless I want to cry, I have to change the channel when I see sad news stories about animals -- or when that ASPCA commericial with Sarah McLachlan comes on.
24. I'm starting to get some ADD writing this list. Ten things would have been plenty.
25. I'm counting down the days until the return of my favorite Sunday night shows: True Blood, Dexter and Mad Men.
Feel free to ignore.
1. If I could get up early enough to make them, I would eat tamales or enchiladas for breakfast at least once a week.
2. I only thought I'd live in Louisville for a few years. April will make six years.
3. I sometimes wonder what my natural hair color is. But not enough to stop coloring it.
4. It may or may not be true, but I think astrology can explain a lot about a person.
5. Shoes are my weakness.
6. Lately, I've had a couple of dreams that Michelle Obama and I are friends, and we go shopping together at J. Crew.
7. Every time I buy a Powerball ticket, I'm positive that I will win.
8. The teenager in me would have never believed this, but I now hate talking on the phone.
9. It's so cold at my job, I usually huddle underneath a pink Hello Kitty blanket at my desk.
10. I watch Young & The Restless every night at 7 p.m. on SoapNet.
11. Mayonnaise, mushrooms and black licorice make me shudder.
12. Vacuuming and folding laundry are my two favorite household chores.
13. Converting over to one of those flat wallets changed my life.
14. I'm happiest when I'm wearing a dress and heels.
15. I have at least 50 shades of eyeshadow, maybe more.
16. It pisses me off when I can't sleep past 7:30 on weekends. Why do you wake me up, body? WHY?
17. I love the Golden Girls. I watch them a lot when I go to bed at night.
18. The heated seats in my car almost make winter bearable.
19. I wonder why so many people in Louisville are absolutely incapable of posing for any photo without flashing a peace sign or some "I'm the shit" look on their face. Is it a regional thing, or are they just idiots?
20. I hate that I live so far away from so many of my close girlfriends.
21. The two best Christmas presents I have ever received are: My dog, Lucy, and my GPS, which saves me untold amounts of gas and miles on my car.
22. I just ate some cereal and it wasn't very satisfying. Should have had toast instead.
23. Unless I want to cry, I have to change the channel when I see sad news stories about animals -- or when that ASPCA commericial with Sarah McLachlan comes on.
24. I'm starting to get some ADD writing this list. Ten things would have been plenty.
25. I'm counting down the days until the return of my favorite Sunday night shows: True Blood, Dexter and Mad Men.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
TV Throwdown: Hank Moody Vs. Jimmy McNulty
I recently finished watching the entire series of The Wire, via Netflix. All the while, the functional drunkenness of Detective Jimmy McNulty reminded me of another TV character, but I couldn't put my finger on it until last week. Then it hit me: McNulty is like the cop version of Californication's Hank Moody, a boozing, pot-smoking, womanizing writer.
So, they seemed like a perfect match-up for a TV Throwdown. Bottoms up!
Functionality while under the influence: When Hank drinks, he "accidentally" has sex with other women, including the "mouth raping" encounter during the most recent season.
McNulty does the same, but he also drives home every time, endangering the lives of others. Also, McNulty is an incredibly sloppy drunk – so much that we can't imagine why women would still sleep with him when he can't even walk. Gross.
Hank: 1
McNulty: 0
Fathering skills: Hank and McNulty both love their kids, though they could both be much more attentive. Still, when McNulty left his young boys alone in the middle of the night to go get laid, that was just too much.
Now that Karen is moving to New York, Hank is about to have full custody of Becca – and their relationship is a close one. That shows more responsibility than we see coming from McNulty.
Hank: 2
McNulty: 0
Work ethic: When they're inspired, both men are pretty much the best at what they do. McNulty is one of the most talented murder and major crimes police to ever have worked in Baltimore. He has a natural instinct, and doesn't let anything (including bosses or rules) get in the way of solving a case.
Hank is a brilliant, best-selling writer, but has several stretches of writer's block (read: unemployment) under his belt.
Hank: 2
McNulty:1
Relationship potential: Is there really any relationship potential with two serial cheaters? I think these guys love their women as much as they're capable of loving a person. But their dipsticks run the show, so nobody wins.
Hank: 2
McNulty: 1
Personal hygiene: Let's be real: Both of these guys can appear incredibly disheveled.
When McNulty was working on the (bogus) serial killer case in season five, he sometimes went days without taking showers. He went to work, then on a bender at night, then home with some random woman, and then would return to work – in the same clothes – reeking of sex and alcohol. Three days in a row. Shudder.
While Hank doesn't have a great variety in his wardrobe (his closet must be filled with black t-shirts and jeans), you can never see the fumes rising from his body like Pig Pen in the Peanuts. He may not always be clean-shaven, but he's usually clean.
Hank: 3
McNulty: 1
Bottom line: Both Hank and McNulty have tried to stop drinking, but we think Hank has the most potential to lead a relatively normal life. Especially now that he's got Becca to look out for. If that won't make a man grow up, nothing will.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
I Pledge Allegiance To The United States Of Tara
In general theory, the title character for Showtime's new black comedy United States of Tara (which premieres at 10 p.m. Sunday) reminds me a little bit of Nancy Botwin from Weeds.
They're both suburban moms with seemingly ordinary lives – and they both have more to them than meets the eye. Tara (Toni Collette) has dissociative identity disorder, better known as multiple personalities; and Nancy, of course, is a widow who started selling weed to support her family.
And at first, both situations are portrayed as kind of quaint. Oh, look at Nancy try to sell a baggie of weed at the college – tee hee! Oh look, someone that looks a lot like mom just dropped the c-word and made vulgar hand gestures at the dinner table – how funny!
Well, the wheels have fallen off Nancy's seemingly innocent ride over the seasons, and we expect to see more tangible effects of Tara's condition as well. But the season premiere of Tara is nothing like the typical dark, depressing portrayals of multiple personalities (Sybil comes to mind). It's fairly lighthearted, funny and incredibly endearing. And let's face it, with Academy Award winning creator Diablo Cody (Juno) and executive producer Steven Spielberg at the helm, it's destined for greatness.
In the first installment of the show, we meet two of Tara's alter egos, which present themselves when Tara is faced with stressful situations that, for some reason, she can't handle herself.
T is a foul-mouthed, weed smokin', sexually charged teenager who wears black nail polish, has a MySpace page and doesn't care that lingerie are meant to be worn underneath clothes.
Buck is a male, gun-toting, redneck bigot with a preference for trucker hats, ratty jeans and porn. A Vietnam vet, Buck has a tendency toward violence and is easily provoked.
A third personality – Alice, a prudish, 1960s-era homemaker – appears in later episodes.
I can't imagine another actress pulling this off quite like Collette, who seamlessly brings each distinct personality to life. Four different actresses couldn't do it better; she is simply brilliant in this multi-faceted role.
But of course, Tara's constant changes do shake things up for her husband, Max (John Corbett), and teenage kids, Kate (Brie Larson) and Marshall (Keir Gilchrist). Think about it: Most teenagers are pretty much embarrassed by anything their parents do, so having the added pressure of Buck showing up at your ballet recital or Alice at a meeting with your teacher would definitely raise the angst level.
"Why can't mom just be manic depressive like all the other moms?," Kate laments in the first episode.
Still, the family unit here is strong – Tara included, when she's around – and all of them handle the changes with grace and sympathy. Max and Tara have been married 17 years, and he's able to keep things "normal" as different personalities show up for different occasions. Max's warm personality and obvious adoration for his wife are obvious, even early on.
The one sticking point is Tara's sister, Charmaine (Rosemarie DeWitt), who pooh-poohs the idea that Tara has a disease. Instead, Charmaine implies that she's making it up.
But if Charmaine were around when Buck was dispensing this, er, wise advice to Kate ("You don't want to go makin' no babies until you're 16 and can support ‘em"), she might be more willing to believe.
Showtime has another hit on its hands with Tara, and I'm certainly looking forward to getting to know her (and T, Buck and Alice) a lot better.
They're both suburban moms with seemingly ordinary lives – and they both have more to them than meets the eye. Tara (Toni Collette) has dissociative identity disorder, better known as multiple personalities; and Nancy, of course, is a widow who started selling weed to support her family.
And at first, both situations are portrayed as kind of quaint. Oh, look at Nancy try to sell a baggie of weed at the college – tee hee! Oh look, someone that looks a lot like mom just dropped the c-word and made vulgar hand gestures at the dinner table – how funny!
Well, the wheels have fallen off Nancy's seemingly innocent ride over the seasons, and we expect to see more tangible effects of Tara's condition as well. But the season premiere of Tara is nothing like the typical dark, depressing portrayals of multiple personalities (Sybil comes to mind). It's fairly lighthearted, funny and incredibly endearing. And let's face it, with Academy Award winning creator Diablo Cody (Juno) and executive producer Steven Spielberg at the helm, it's destined for greatness.
In the first installment of the show, we meet two of Tara's alter egos, which present themselves when Tara is faced with stressful situations that, for some reason, she can't handle herself.
T is a foul-mouthed, weed smokin', sexually charged teenager who wears black nail polish, has a MySpace page and doesn't care that lingerie are meant to be worn underneath clothes.
Buck is a male, gun-toting, redneck bigot with a preference for trucker hats, ratty jeans and porn. A Vietnam vet, Buck has a tendency toward violence and is easily provoked.
A third personality – Alice, a prudish, 1960s-era homemaker – appears in later episodes.
I can't imagine another actress pulling this off quite like Collette, who seamlessly brings each distinct personality to life. Four different actresses couldn't do it better; she is simply brilliant in this multi-faceted role.
But of course, Tara's constant changes do shake things up for her husband, Max (John Corbett), and teenage kids, Kate (Brie Larson) and Marshall (Keir Gilchrist). Think about it: Most teenagers are pretty much embarrassed by anything their parents do, so having the added pressure of Buck showing up at your ballet recital or Alice at a meeting with your teacher would definitely raise the angst level.
"Why can't mom just be manic depressive like all the other moms?," Kate laments in the first episode.
Still, the family unit here is strong – Tara included, when she's around – and all of them handle the changes with grace and sympathy. Max and Tara have been married 17 years, and he's able to keep things "normal" as different personalities show up for different occasions. Max's warm personality and obvious adoration for his wife are obvious, even early on.
The one sticking point is Tara's sister, Charmaine (Rosemarie DeWitt), who pooh-poohs the idea that Tara has a disease. Instead, Charmaine implies that she's making it up.
But if Charmaine were around when Buck was dispensing this, er, wise advice to Kate ("You don't want to go makin' no babies until you're 16 and can support ‘em"), she might be more willing to believe.
Showtime has another hit on its hands with Tara, and I'm certainly looking forward to getting to know her (and T, Buck and Alice) a lot better.
Monday, January 12, 2009
The City: Pop Quiz
The latest installment of The City was so boring and so predictable, we bet any regular Hills or City fan can pass the following pop quiz, even if you didn't tune in. So let's get on with it, shall we?
1. When Whitney toils away at work, what does that entail?
A) Gossiping with co-workers, discussing her lack of a real relationship over blaring music a DVF event and occasionally making sure mannequins do not remain naked.
B) Dressing mannequins and answering phones with sprinkled with a small bit of gossiping during her breaks.
2. In The City, what is a social?
A) A planned event that people attend.
B) A socialite. "It's, like, an abbreviation." – Olivia.
C) A synonym for going to work.
D) B and C
3. After Erin gushed about her and Duncan's "I love you" exchange last week, how does she react when Duncan says he wants to move to New York to further their relationship?
A) With dismay. She wants their relationship to remain long-distance, because it's always best to be miles away from the one you love.
B) "OK, but if you plan to sleep on my pillowcases ever again, you have to wash your hair at least once a week."
C). "Hopefully we can watch ‘The Sound of Music' or ‘Titanic' every night!"
4. Is Erin most likely going to be a slut?
A) Yes.
B) Yes.
C) Yes.
5. Why does Whitney goes out to lunch with a male co-worker, Chris?
A) To boost her ego.
B) To try and make Jay jealous.
C) Because "it's my life, it's my time."
6. Out of the five different meal scenes that were shown, how many times is someone actually seen chewing on, or eating food?
A) 5
B) 2
C) 1
7. When Jay munched on his chips and swilled his beer during dinner with Whitney, it made you...
A) Hungry
B) Thirsty
C) Hungry and thirsty
D) Thankful you don't have to see more people eating on this show.
8. When Whitney is talking to Erin about her uncertain future with Jay, she wonders "Why won't he communicate with me?" What is the correct response to this?
A) "Because he's sick of beating a dead horse."
B) "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus."
C) "What's communication? I thought we were just on this show to look cute, push our food around on plates and run into each other at awkward moments."
D) Any of the above.
9. When Jay tells his roommate, Adam, that he's ready to ask Whitney to be his girlfriend, how does he phrase it in man-speak?
A) "She's a wonderful woman, and I don't want to lose her."
B) "I don't want her going to lunch with d*****bags. It's on lockdown. It's Jay's now."
C) "I'm ready to settle down with my girl. Anyone that can kiss my scraggly beard face without getting a rash is worth hanging on to."
10. How does Jay ask Whitney to be his main squeeze?
A) "Let's put this on lockdown, babe."
B) "Would you like my half-beard to be your steady skin exfoliator? Be mine!"
C) "I think we maybe now could try and take things to the next level and you could be my girlfriend."
D) "It's your life and you can do what you want. But it'd be a lot cooler if you were my woman."
ANSWERS: 1. A
2. D
3. A
4. A, B, C
5. C
6. B (Erin and Jay)
7. D
8. D
9. B
10. C
8-10 right: Expert. Admit it: The City has you on lockdown.
6-8 right: Fan. Just like Days of our Lives, The City is a show you only need to watch once a month to stay apprised of situations.
4-6 right: Casual bystander. You could take The City or leave it. Kind of like Erin with her boyfriends.
0-3 right: Congratulations, you have a life! There is still time to replenish your brain cells. Go to the library immediately.
1. When Whitney toils away at work, what does that entail?
A) Gossiping with co-workers, discussing her lack of a real relationship over blaring music a DVF event and occasionally making sure mannequins do not remain naked.
B) Dressing mannequins and answering phones with sprinkled with a small bit of gossiping during her breaks.
2. In The City, what is a social?
A) A planned event that people attend.
B) A socialite. "It's, like, an abbreviation." – Olivia.
C) A synonym for going to work.
D) B and C
3. After Erin gushed about her and Duncan's "I love you" exchange last week, how does she react when Duncan says he wants to move to New York to further their relationship?
A) With dismay. She wants their relationship to remain long-distance, because it's always best to be miles away from the one you love.
B) "OK, but if you plan to sleep on my pillowcases ever again, you have to wash your hair at least once a week."
C). "Hopefully we can watch ‘The Sound of Music' or ‘Titanic' every night!"
4. Is Erin most likely going to be a slut?
A) Yes.
B) Yes.
C) Yes.
5. Why does Whitney goes out to lunch with a male co-worker, Chris?
A) To boost her ego.
B) To try and make Jay jealous.
C) Because "it's my life, it's my time."
6. Out of the five different meal scenes that were shown, how many times is someone actually seen chewing on, or eating food?
A) 5
B) 2
C) 1
7. When Jay munched on his chips and swilled his beer during dinner with Whitney, it made you...
A) Hungry
B) Thirsty
C) Hungry and thirsty
D) Thankful you don't have to see more people eating on this show.
8. When Whitney is talking to Erin about her uncertain future with Jay, she wonders "Why won't he communicate with me?" What is the correct response to this?
A) "Because he's sick of beating a dead horse."
B) "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus."
C) "What's communication? I thought we were just on this show to look cute, push our food around on plates and run into each other at awkward moments."
D) Any of the above.
9. When Jay tells his roommate, Adam, that he's ready to ask Whitney to be his girlfriend, how does he phrase it in man-speak?
A) "She's a wonderful woman, and I don't want to lose her."
B) "I don't want her going to lunch with d*****bags. It's on lockdown. It's Jay's now."
C) "I'm ready to settle down with my girl. Anyone that can kiss my scraggly beard face without getting a rash is worth hanging on to."
10. How does Jay ask Whitney to be his main squeeze?
A) "Let's put this on lockdown, babe."
B) "Would you like my half-beard to be your steady skin exfoliator? Be mine!"
C) "I think we maybe now could try and take things to the next level and you could be my girlfriend."
D) "It's your life and you can do what you want. But it'd be a lot cooler if you were my woman."
ANSWERS: 1. A
2. D
3. A
4. A, B, C
5. C
6. B (Erin and Jay)
7. D
8. D
9. B
10. C
8-10 right: Expert. Admit it: The City has you on lockdown.
6-8 right: Fan. Just like Days of our Lives, The City is a show you only need to watch once a month to stay apprised of situations.
4-6 right: Casual bystander. You could take The City or leave it. Kind of like Erin with her boyfriends.
0-3 right: Congratulations, you have a life! There is still time to replenish your brain cells. Go to the library immediately.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
24 is back -- and so is Tony Almeida!
Poor Jack Bauer.
The put-upon main character of 24 (played by Kiefer Sutherland) has gone nearly as many rounds over the years with the U.S. government as he has terrorists. One minute, our country is punishing Bauer for ignoring procedure on matters of terrorism and national security. The next, he's being summoned from (insert one: a Chinese prison, his job with defense secretary James Heller, his work at an oil refinery, etc.) because he's the only one who can save the American people from evildoers.
In other words, he's Batman with more guns and better instincts, minus the goofy outfit.
And when 24 finally returns for its four-hour, two-night season seven premiere extravaganza (8 p.m. Sunday and Monday nights on FOX), things haven't changed much.
After having turned himself to the U.S. government in order to save the lives of African children in November's prequel, 24: Redemption, Bauer is now in a Senate hearing regarding his inappropriate actions during his time with CTU. And he's questioned for approximately three minutes before FBI Agent Renee Walker (Annie Wersching) retrieves him.
CTU has been disbanded, so the feds are handling terrorism threats and – surprise, surprise – they need Bauer immediately.
The current threat: Bauer's old CTU buddy, Tony Almeida (Carlos Bernard), has miraculously risen from the dead and is thought to be operating a homegrown terrorist group that is allegedly working with/for a dangerous African militia. (Almeida's resurrection will be explained in the premieres.)
As is fairly typical of the show, the first couple of hours are filled with various storylines that will inevitably intertwine. And they're all the kinds of things that always make 24 so action-packed and edge-of-your-seat exciting.
Kidnapping and deep-seeded government corruption? Check. Snipers, rapid gunfire eruptions and secrets kept from the President? Uh-huh. People stupid enough to think that they know better than, or can control, Bauer? Of course. Bauer escaping a highly secure government facility in the most ridiculous manner imaginable? You bet.
And oh, how I've missed Bauer's catchphrases: "We're running out of time!," "Dammit!" – and my personal favorite – "DO IT!," which usually follows a command such as "drop your weapon!"
Now, you can never get too attached to people on 24 because so many of them bite the dust, but season seven introduces some intriguing new characters that we hope stick around. Janeane Garofalo shows up as slightly neurotic Agent Janis Gold, who appears to be the FBI version of CTU's Chloe O'Brian (Mary Lynn Rajskub). Agent Walker looks like she'll be a total rogue/bad-ass -- a female Bauer, perhaps?
The decisive leadership style of new President Allison Taylor (Cherry Jones) also shows a lot of promise. Early on, she proves that she's willing to go head-to-head with her advisers, focus on solutions instead of problems and follow her gut instincts. What remains to be seen is if those instincts are any good.
As for throwback characters, it's great to see Almeida back – he was always a fan favorite and for the ladies, a nice bit of eye candy. (He's got a gnarly scar above his left eye now -- sexy!) But other popular CTU alums will also make their way back come Monday night. CTU may be shut down, but several old staffers are still in play.
Ultimately, 24 fans will be pleased come Sunday and Monday, especially after such a long hiatus between seasons. While the intense, fast-paced the formula is the same, several fresh storylines (the competence of the FBI vs. CTU, in particular) will invigorate the series.
So mark your calendars or set your DVRs right now.
DO IT!
Friday, January 9, 2009
For the love of God, where is my DVD?!
So, I ordered this yoga DVD off of Amazon last week. Usually, Amazon stuff gets here quickly, but I haven't even received an email that it's been shipped yet.
I just read fine print on the email order confirmation, however, which revealed my order would be arrive 3-16 days after shipping. 16 days? Are they strapping this fucking thing to the back of a turtle?
Geez.
I just read fine print on the email order confirmation, however, which revealed my order would be arrive 3-16 days after shipping. 16 days? Are they strapping this fucking thing to the back of a turtle?
Geez.
Monday, January 5, 2009
The City Recap: We Found Audrina and Justin Bobby in the Big Apple
In retrospect, it's easy to see why Whitney was the most likable character on The Hills. It's because she was always the one asking the questions instead of exposing too much of her own personal life.
She's still a nice woman and all, but as we tread deeper into The City, a scenario that smells an awful lot like Audrina and Justin Bobby is starting to unfold.
The second installment of the show opens with Erin and her Canadian boyfriend, Duncan, sitting on the couch messing around with the guitar, and having a nice intimate moment – until Whitney comes in and interrupts.
(Duncan is from Toronto and visiting for the week, and as you'll remember, Whit is crashing with Erin in her one-bedroom place until she finds her own apartment.)
Whitney: "You must really like Erin."
Duncan: Crickets. Friendly!
Erin and Duncan start talking about what movies they might watch that night (Titanic or The Sound of Music? Are you freakin' kidding me?), and Whitney gets ready to leave.
"Have fun," Duncan says. Translation: Get. Out.
At work, Whitney is helping style a photo shoot when Jay calls. He found an apartment for her to look at, and she considers leaving work right then to look at it. We always thought Whitney had a work ethic! "I feel like I should see it," she tells Olivia, "but obviously, (work) is my first priority."
Obviously. She ends up scooting out early to see the spot – on the 30th floor of a brand new building. Whitney seems uncertain about choosing the first place she sees, but after Jay eludes that they'll "finally have alone time," she takes it.
Back at work, Whitney tells Olivia about the place, and that Jay is going to help her move that weekend. Olivia offers unsolicited advice: "You have to be independent, I hope you're not too demanding on Jay. You have to be your own person."
Erin and Duncan go to a bar and have a snoozer of a conversation about long-distance relationships, which all of the sudden makes watching a three-hour sapfest about a sinking ship seem like a day at the amusement park.
Fast forward a few days, and Whitney's getting moved in to her new place. Erin tells Whit and Jay that she and Duncan had declared their love for one another the night before. Jay admonishes her, saying it's too soon. "You throw that word around too quickly and easily," he says.
Later, Whit and Erin discuss the "I love you" exchange alone, and conclude that if it feels right, it's never too soon to drop the ILY bomb. Whitney decides that she ask Jay where the relationship is headed (again). We start to think Olivia's advice wasn't such a bad idea after all.
Olivia talks to her cousin Nevan at her place. He tells her he got a $100 fine for spitting in public, but he thought it was perfectly legal since he saw some chick do it on Flavor of Love. She tells Nevan that Whitney should start taking her advice, for she is the all-knowing Oz.
At yet another meal where nobody is seen eating, Jay and Whitney discuss the Erin and Duncan sitch, which leads to a chat about their relationship. Soon, Jay's inner Justin Bobby is revealed! He thinks getting caught up in boyfriend/girlfriend labels is stupid. "I don't want it to feel like it's all about the relationship," he says, as Whitney admits that she would like to be his girlfriend if that's what he wanted. But if he's not ready for that, then she doesn't want that.
Awkward!
"So it's all good?" he asks.
Whitney reiterates that going with the flow is no biggie to her ... but her face looks like a dump truck just ran over the Manolos she bought last week.
To end the show, Jay suggests they eat. He orders a plate of He's Not That Into You, and Whitney gets a slice of Desperation Pie.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Back in business!
I know you've been wondering how I'm holding up without the big TV. Oh, you haven't? You think I should read more?
Huh.
Well, no matter. The TV is back! I unplugged it for about 5 hours and now it's working again. Hooray! And just so you know, the first thing I'm going to do is do an exercise video. It's not quite a book, but it won't deteriorate my brain like The Hills, either.
Happy weekend!
Huh.
Well, no matter. The TV is back! I unplugged it for about 5 hours and now it's working again. Hooray! And just so you know, the first thing I'm going to do is do an exercise video. It's not quite a book, but it won't deteriorate my brain like The Hills, either.
Happy weekend!
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Is this a sign?
Happy new year!
I'm sad to report that our giant, LCD TV is experiencing serious issues -- which means I'm also having some serious issues. Long story short, I get sound from the TV, but no picture. But I do get a picture when I watch DVDS. Weird.
Whether it's a problem with the cable box, or a problem with the TV itself (which is still under warranty, thank God), nobody is in any office to help me today.
Which means I'll have to watch one of the other, smaller, non-HD TVs while I take down the Christmas tree, fold laundry and weed out some of my clothes to give away. This may not sound like a big deal to you. Before we got this TV, I wouldn't have thought so, either.
But after watching insanely crisp television for almost a year, this is like going from prime rib to Steak-Ums. Or from a fabulous pair of pumps to grungy Birkenstocks. Or from a Bentley to a 1987 Ford Festiva.
Plus, my husband is out of town right now, so the only place I'll get to see him is on the tube, and I want to see him BIG.
Are the gods of "You Should Read More Often" fucking with me? Probably. But hey, you can't read while you fold laundry and put Christmas back in a box, so what the hell am I supposed to do?
Oh well. If this is my biggest problem for 2009, I feel pretty fortunate. Thanks for listening.
Cheers, everybody!
I'm sad to report that our giant, LCD TV is experiencing serious issues -- which means I'm also having some serious issues. Long story short, I get sound from the TV, but no picture. But I do get a picture when I watch DVDS. Weird.
Whether it's a problem with the cable box, or a problem with the TV itself (which is still under warranty, thank God), nobody is in any office to help me today.
Which means I'll have to watch one of the other, smaller, non-HD TVs while I take down the Christmas tree, fold laundry and weed out some of my clothes to give away. This may not sound like a big deal to you. Before we got this TV, I wouldn't have thought so, either.
But after watching insanely crisp television for almost a year, this is like going from prime rib to Steak-Ums. Or from a fabulous pair of pumps to grungy Birkenstocks. Or from a Bentley to a 1987 Ford Festiva.
Plus, my husband is out of town right now, so the only place I'll get to see him is on the tube, and I want to see him BIG.
Are the gods of "You Should Read More Often" fucking with me? Probably. But hey, you can't read while you fold laundry and put Christmas back in a box, so what the hell am I supposed to do?
Oh well. If this is my biggest problem for 2009, I feel pretty fortunate. Thanks for listening.
Cheers, everybody!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Resolving TV for 2009
Let's face it: Nobody really ever keeps their New Year's Resolutions. Sad, but true. So I decided to forego making my own (why bother?) in favor of making some for my favorite TV shows and characters. Which makes me wonder: Should I resolve to stop watching so much TV?
Heidi Montag: Now that The Hills character is saddled with Spencer as a husband, Heidi should really work on repairing her relationship with her family – no matter what her creepy hubs has to say about it. If he loves her like he says, he shouldn't even balk at this idea. But we know he will.
Desperate Housewives: Am I the only person who thinks Susan's character is annoying and pointless? DH writers should resolve to move her somewhere far, far away. Or for her to meet with some other bizarre fate that would either A) remove her from the cast or B) give her a personality transplant.
Tara Thornton: This True Blood character tried getting her demons exorcised in a weird backwoods ceremony. Now she's living with some strange woman, and there's something not quite right about the situation. Tara probably can't afford therapy, but she should go back to her own house and take some yoga to help relax her temper. That seems safer.
Peggy Olson: We like where this Mad Men character is going. At work, she's successful, and she's getting more confident, and she's greasing the wheels for female workers of the future. But we hope she can quit pretending her baby doesn't exist – but only after she comes to that decision on her own, not because she feels pressured by anyone else.
Entourage: It seems like Vince will be back in the big time next season. But we hope writers can work in a storyline or two for Johnny Drama. We'd rather see him conduct his own life business than cook breakfast for Vince every morning.
Hank Moody: The troubled lead character on Californication has turned a new page. Now that Karen's moved to New York, Hank is solely responsible for raising Becca. Hopefully, that means he'll stop banging random chicks in his house, and will try and set a positive example for his teenage daughter.
Bret Michaels: Dude, we really hope the third time's a charm. But we suspect Rock of Love Tour Bus will end just like the first two seasons of Rock of Love. And when that happens, for the love of God Bret, please resolve to stop doing these ridiculous dating shows. And please, let that blast-from-the-past hairdo go, too.
Zak Bagans: I'm not sure if you've ever seen Ghost Adventures, a ghost hunting show on the Travel Channel. But if you have, there's no way you have gotten all the way through the show without laughing at host Zak's expense. He's the biggest, meatheaded, frat boy tool I've ever seen – and I'd like him to resolve to not change a thing. It's a riot. (Watch for snippets of his jackassery on The Soup, where he makes frequent appearances.)
VH1: This company should resolve to ditch their think tank and start fresh. If I have to see one more reality show with Tiffany "New York" Pollard, Real and Chance, Boston or Bret Michaels, I'm going to throw my remote through my giant TV.
The cast of Bad Girls Club: These women should go into hiding. Their behavior is so embarrassing, I can't imagine them going out in public and not being totally humiliated. Some people will do anything to be on TV... this is, perhaps, the most offensive show on television.
Survivor:
I'm kind of bored with seeing people sweat profusely and get eaten alive by mosquitoes. They should have filmed the latest installment in Spokane, Wash., when 30 inches of snow fell in a 24-hour period and temps were below freezing. Survive that, people.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
The City Recap: Guilty Pleasure Or A Reason To Be Shamed? You Decide.
After completely rotting my brain for an hour on the god-awful MTV show, Bromance, it was hard to get geared up for another new show starring familiar face from The Hills.
But thankfully, it didn't take long to fall into step with Whitney Port's new life in The City, which was introduced with two back-to-back episodes.
Whitney arrives for her first work day at Diane von Furstenburg wearing an electric yellow printed dress that reminds me of some painted-splashed pants I had in the late 1980s. It's a great way to stand out on the job. Well, that and the camera crew following her around.
She meets Olivia, a socialite and co-worker who will be a regular part of the cast. Olivia, who has clearly never laid eyes upon an Us Weekly or television set, asks Whitney where she's from. "Have you worked in fashion before?" Well, that, and I was employed asking Lauren Conrad about her personal life for a few years. It's a role you'll get familiar with soon enough!
After work, Whit meets Jay (the guy she's dating) for dinner. They flirt, he kisses her hand and she seems smitten, as evidenced by the constant scrunching up of her nose. Later, smooth operator Jay offers her a place to stay for the night and they kiss.
We see Whitney work at fashion week for approximately 90 seconds and then attend the DVF after-party, where her boss showers her with compliments as Olivia looks on. Olivia invites Whitney to her dinner party and tells her to bring Jay.
But when Whitney asks him to go, he sweeps his tousled hair around a few times, and then tells her he'll take a pass. "The group you don't want to get involved with are the rich kids," he tells her.
She asks if he'll go anyway, just to hang with her. Jay shakes his head. "I always do what I want and that's it, you know." What a charmer.
So Whitney takes Erin to the party instead, and a surprised Olivia asks where Jay is. At the crowded dinner table, Olivia grills Whitney some more about Jay and his whereabouts. Meanwhile, we see Jay out with his roommate, Adam, and he laments how fast his relationship is going with Whitney. "A little more space never hurts," Adam says.
But neither does a little more air time, so Jay heads over to Olivia's crib, stays for about five minutes, then jets out with Whitney and Erin.
Alex (a model who we saw Whitney date once on The Hills) resurfaces to tell her that Jay is a player who is trying to get back with his ex. "I hate being that guy to bring it up," Alex says, but I'm getting paid by producers to cause some trouble, so I might as well.
Whitney discusses the potential Jay problem with Erin and comes up with a plan: "I've just got to ask him, because it's the only thing I can do." Because everyone knows cheating guys always tell the truth when confronted.
When Whitney talks to Jay, he offers to explain: He saw his ex out one night, they talked, he walked her to the cab, but they didn't go home together even though it may have looked like it. To drive home the point, Jay denies, denies, denies, then whips out his cell phone: "We can call Dani and ask her right now." Of course, Whitney says not to worry about it.
Works every time, Jay thinks.
Next, Whitney makes plans to go out with Erin, Jay, Adam and Adam's girlfriend. "It will be a fun night of nothingness!," Whitney predicts. Yay! Just like my Monday night appointments with MTV!
The group arrives at the nightclub, and (surprise!) Alex is there talking smack about Jay's womanizing ways. Jay and Alex get into a long, boring verbal sparring match consisting of profanity-laden sentences ending in "dude."
Finally, Whitney meets with her old boss, Kelly Cutrone, who all of the sudden seems like a nice, nurturing person. They talk work and boys. "You can always come here and throw anything off a balcony," Kelly offers.
Hmmmm, Whitney. Might want to start with Jay. Or better yet, Bromance.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Dear Santa, Volume 2
OK, St. Nick,
It's Christmas eve, and you weren't able to get mom here on Monday. I understand. I know you have a lot to do.
But she's got another plane ride scheduled tomorrow, on Christmas Day. By then, I know you'll be super tired, but you'll also be done with the bulk of your work. So maybe we could give this another whirl.
I just want her to arrive here safely, in one piece. I miss her. That's all I really want for Christmas.
I'm sorry I said the f-word in the other letter. I hope that's not what kept Mom from getting here the first time around. I'll try to clean up my language, if that will help.
Thanks, Santa. Have safe travels tonight!
Love,
Maisy
(P.S. If you have time, it would be great if you could drop by some underwear for Kyle. I just found out that the ones Archie got for him are the wrong size.)
It's Christmas eve, and you weren't able to get mom here on Monday. I understand. I know you have a lot to do.
But she's got another plane ride scheduled tomorrow, on Christmas Day. By then, I know you'll be super tired, but you'll also be done with the bulk of your work. So maybe we could give this another whirl.
I just want her to arrive here safely, in one piece. I miss her. That's all I really want for Christmas.
I'm sorry I said the f-word in the other letter. I hope that's not what kept Mom from getting here the first time around. I'll try to clean up my language, if that will help.
Thanks, Santa. Have safe travels tonight!
Love,
Maisy
(P.S. If you have time, it would be great if you could drop by some underwear for Kyle. I just found out that the ones Archie got for him are the wrong size.)
Monday, December 22, 2008
My Letter to Santa
Dear Santa,
I have a request for you, and it won't even require you to make an appearance.
It's 7 a.m., and I've been up for two hours already. My mom is supposed to be flying here from Spokane, Wash., today, where they've gotten so much snow that the whole city shut down for three days. The garbage men didn't come because they couldn't get down streets. The city offices were closed. The malls closed at noon -- less than a week before Christmas!
Now, that often happens in Louisville when we get a dusting of the white stuff. But you have to understand how much fucking snow has to fall in Spokane before something like that happens. It's unheard of. I mean, it'd by like you canceling your Christmas flights!
When I lived in Spokane, I used to keep a shovel and cat litter in the trunk of my car, in case I had to dig myself out of a parking spot, or needed some extra traction on ice. Lots of snow is totally normal there. We all owned snow boots made for temperatures of -30 degrees.
Well, Santa, it snowed there again overnight, and my mom is supposed to fly out this morning. Even though we talk on the phone every day, I haven't seen her in more than a year, and am really looking forward to her Christmas visit. That's all I want this year, is for her to have a safe trip.
Plus, she's disabled, so traveling for her is a total suck-fest. Can you please squeeze in a last-minute request and see that things go smoothly for her?
And if her flight is canceled, can you maybe send Rudolph and the crew to go get her? Knowing her, I'm sure her suitcase is really huge, but it can't be any heavier than your sack of toys for the world's children.
Just so you know, I've been pretty good this year. (Except when I drank too much at a wedding, and ended up falling down in the parking lot at Brendan's, but nobody was hurt in that incident. Oh, and I said 'fuck' earlier in this letter, but that's just the way I talk. I am an adult, you know.)
All my love,
Maisy
I have a request for you, and it won't even require you to make an appearance.
It's 7 a.m., and I've been up for two hours already. My mom is supposed to be flying here from Spokane, Wash., today, where they've gotten so much snow that the whole city shut down for three days. The garbage men didn't come because they couldn't get down streets. The city offices were closed. The malls closed at noon -- less than a week before Christmas!
Now, that often happens in Louisville when we get a dusting of the white stuff. But you have to understand how much fucking snow has to fall in Spokane before something like that happens. It's unheard of. I mean, it'd by like you canceling your Christmas flights!
When I lived in Spokane, I used to keep a shovel and cat litter in the trunk of my car, in case I had to dig myself out of a parking spot, or needed some extra traction on ice. Lots of snow is totally normal there. We all owned snow boots made for temperatures of -30 degrees.
Well, Santa, it snowed there again overnight, and my mom is supposed to fly out this morning. Even though we talk on the phone every day, I haven't seen her in more than a year, and am really looking forward to her Christmas visit. That's all I want this year, is for her to have a safe trip.
Plus, she's disabled, so traveling for her is a total suck-fest. Can you please squeeze in a last-minute request and see that things go smoothly for her?
And if her flight is canceled, can you maybe send Rudolph and the crew to go get her? Knowing her, I'm sure her suitcase is really huge, but it can't be any heavier than your sack of toys for the world's children.
Just so you know, I've been pretty good this year. (Except when I drank too much at a wedding, and ended up falling down in the parking lot at Brendan's, but nobody was hurt in that incident. Oh, and I said 'fuck' earlier in this letter, but that's just the way I talk. I am an adult, you know.)
All my love,
Maisy
Monday, December 15, 2008
For Christmas, I'm giving away lobotomies, naps and tattoo removal
As the doors on the chocolate advent calendar swing open, so closes the gap between now and Christmas. And like any respectable working girl, I'm really, really behind on my holiday shopping (read: I haven't really started yet).
But there's an ice storm happening as I write this. So instead of shopping tonight, I'm procrastinating by watching Gossip Girl and dreaming up all the gifts I'd give to the people I spend much of my time with: My TV friends.
Now, let's shred some wrapping paper!
To Jack Bauer of 24: A gift certifiate for a therapuetic massage, and an hour-long nap.
Joy Turner of My Name is Earl: Some conditioner. Anyone who bleaches and perms their hair needs some serious treatment.
Tyra Banks of The Tyra Banks Show and America's Next Top Model: I'd give her a one-week reprieve from being lambasted on The Soup, even though I always find the bits highly amusing. She's corny, but she means well.
Serena van der Woodsen and Blair Waldorf of Gossip Girl: A trip to a Natural Helpers retreat. These two frienemies have gone enough rounds. These two need to work on their friendship at a mountain retreat somewhere.
Project Runway: A history lesson. Please, take a look at what made your show shine in previous seasons -- and while you're at it, get some better contestants and a fresh start on Lifetime.
Hank Moody of Californication: A box of porn, a bag of weed and some whiskey. No smokes, though, because he's allegedly trying to quit.
Debra Morgan of Dexter: Several more dresses like the one she wore to Dexter's wedding. She said she felt like a transvestite, but we think it's the first time she's looked like a woman. Ever.
Bret Michaels of Rock of Love: A trip to Supercuts and a session of groupie speed dating.
Heidi Montag of The Hills: A lobotomy, so that she could erase any memory of Spencer Pratt.
Spencer Pratt of The Hills: A razor and a job. Not necessarily in that order.
Sam Merlotte of True Blood: A change of scenery. He deserves to meet a nice young lady, and I think he's exhausted the few options in Bon Temps.
Elliot Stabler of Law & Order: SVU: Complimentary tattoo removal. On the occasions when we've seen Elliot shirtless, he's got some of the worst ink we've ever seen.
Kendra Wilkinson of The Girls Next Door: A GED. And some condoms. Lots of condoms.
Betty Draper of Mad Men: We'd find a way to get her her modeling career back.
Shane Botwin of Weeds: A new family. This kid is the smartest one in the bunch, and he's got no chance growing up with his mom and Uncle Andy.
Michael Scott of The Office: I'd bring Holly back to him. She and Michael's shared dorkiness cracked me up.... plus, if his soulmate was around, he might not be as difficult to tolerate at work.
Kim of Kath & Kim: A gift card to Claire's, since her hair accessories are all suited for a 6-year-old.
Coolio of Coolio's Rules and Flavor Flav of Flavor of Love: Makeovers. If I kept the same style for as long as these two aging rappers have held on to theirs, I'd still have a spiral perm and tall, ratted bangs coaxed to stand on end via Aqua Net. And my MC Hammer pants.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Hey Santa! I've got a naughty and nice list for you
With Christmas fast approaching, I know Santa Claus is awfully busy right now. So I've taken it upon myself to procrastinate my own holiday shopping and help St. Nick with his annual duties. After a satisfying year of wasting away in front of the telly, I'd like to humbly suggest a few picks for the Naughty and Nice list.
I hope the elves can whip up something extra special for these four nice TV characters:
Betty Draper, Mad Men
And by nice, we mean that she has to be somewhat void of emotions to handle her life without losing her marbles. Betty isn't a super likeable character, but up until the end of the last season, she put up endless humiliations, insults and disrespect from her womanizing (possibly-alcoholic) husband, Don. When Don practically called her a whore for buying a two-piece bathing suit at an auction, my heart broke for her. Betty has a whole lot more ‘nice' in her than we could ever muster.
Sookie Stackhouse, True Blood
Sure, Sookie made a misstep by running into Sam's arms (and toying with his emotions) when Bill disappeared for a couple of days. But telepathic Sookie has been through a lot. Between her grandmother's brutal murder, her brother's overwhelming idiocy, an attempt on her life, her best friend's anger management problems, and being shunned by her whole town, we think she's a pretty sweet woman.
Joe Dubois, Medium
This man is a saint and the backbone of this TV family, which returns to TV in January. Joe is constantly woken up by his wife in the middle of the night, he's left to deal with getting his three daughters to school and handle family business when Allison rushes off to deal with her dead-people visions. He's kind, supportive and every time we think he's finally going to get irritated, he cracks a joke -- and that awesome smile.
Turtle, Entourage
Let's face it: Of all the Entourage characters, Turtle has never had a lot going for him, particularly in the area of ladies. Finally this season, he seems to have scored big points with not just a woman, but famous actress (Jamie-Lynn Sigler). And right as Turtle is getting ready for a romantic getaway weekend with Jamie, Vince calls and requests his presence on a trip back to New York. And Turtle dropped everything to go. What a great friend.
A lump of coal would be too good a prize for any of these chumps:
Miguel Prado, Dexter
When Miguel showed up at the beginning of the most recent season, it seemed like Dexter was going to make a true friend. As it turns out, Miguel turned out to be a a lunatic sociopath with no feelings and no moral code. Jimmy Smits did a great job making this now-deceased character truly despicable.
Spencer Pratt, The Hills
The above being said, Prado is still much more likeable than Spencer, a controlling, cruel, jackass who has somehow captured the heart of Heidi Montag. This year alone, Spencer made Heidi's mother cry; mooched off of and disparaged his own sister; and has thrust a huge wedge between Heidi and her family and friends. Heidi's not blameless, but he and that creepy beard are the root of the evil. This relationship, if it's indeed real, seems like a Lifetime movie waiting to happen.
Lacey, Rock of Love Charm School
I want to like Lacey because she's an animal rights activist, but every time I watch her manipulate other women on VH1 reality shows, I wonder how a person can be so compassionate for furry things and so hateful toward her fellow woman. Every chick-fight on this show has stemmed from Lacey's evil maneuvers, and her fake, tear-filled apologies are vomit-inducing. I've seen more convincing acting in junior high theater productions.
Nancy Botwin, Weeds
When Weeds first began, I had a soft spot for Nancy and how she chose to deal with her money problems. But this season, I think I can honestly say I like everyone on the show more than Nancy, who has proven to be perhaps the worst mother in TV history. It's a sad day when layabout Uncle Andy is the most responsible adult in the picture. And now Nancy is knocked up again? Good grief.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
.jpg)
Posts
