Dear Santa, Volume 2

OK, St. Nick,

It's Christmas eve, and you weren't able to get mom here on Monday. I understand. I know you have a lot to do.

But she's got another plane ride scheduled tomorrow, on Christmas Day. By then, I know you'll be super tired, but you'll also be done with the bulk of your work. So maybe we could give this another whirl.

I just want her to arrive here safely, in one piece. I miss her. That's all I really want for Christmas.

I'm sorry I said the f-word in the other letter. I hope that's not what kept Mom from getting here the first time around. I'll try to clean up my language, if that will help.

Thanks, Santa. Have safe travels tonight!

Love,
Maisy

(P.S. If you have time, it would be great if you could drop by some underwear for Kyle. I just found out that the ones Archie got for him are the wrong size.)

For Christmas, I'm giving away lobotomies, naps and tattoo removal

As the doors on the chocolate advent calendar swing open, so closes the gap between now and Christmas. And like any respectable working girl, I'm really, really behind on my holiday shopping (read: I haven't really started yet).

But there's an ice storm happening as I write this. So instead of shopping tonight, I'm procrastinating by watching Gossip Girl and dreaming up all the gifts I'd give to the people I spend much of my time with: My TV friends.

Now, let's shred some wrapping paper!

To Jack Bauer of 24: A gift certifiate for a therapuetic massage, and an hour-long nap.

Joy Turner of My Name is Earl: Some conditioner. Anyone who bleaches and perms their hair needs some serious treatment.

Tyra Banks of The Tyra Banks Show and America's Next Top Model: I'd give her a one-week reprieve from being lambasted on The Soup, even though I always find the bits highly amusing. She's corny, but she means well.

Serena van der Woodsen and Blair Waldorf of Gossip Girl: A trip to a Natural Helpers retreat. These two frienemies have gone enough rounds. These two need to work on their friendship at a mountain retreat somewhere.

Project Runway: A history lesson. Please, take a look at what made your show shine in previous seasons -- and while you're at it, get some better contestants and a fresh start on Lifetime.

Hank Moody of Californication: A box of porn, a bag of weed and some whiskey. No smokes, though, because he's allegedly trying to quit.

Debra Morgan of Dexter: Several more dresses like the one she wore to Dexter's wedding. She said she felt like a transvestite, but we think it's the first time she's looked like a woman. Ever.

Bret Michaels of Rock of Love: A trip to Supercuts and a session of groupie speed dating.

Heidi Montag of The Hills: A lobotomy, so that she could erase any memory of Spencer Pratt.

Spencer Pratt of The Hills: A razor and a job. Not necessarily in that order.

Sam Merlotte of True Blood: A change of scenery. He deserves to meet a nice young lady, and I think he's exhausted the few options in Bon Temps.

Elliot Stabler of Law & Order: SVU: Complimentary tattoo removal. On the occasions when we've seen Elliot shirtless, he's got some of the worst ink we've ever seen.

Kendra Wilkinson of The Girls Next Door: A GED. And some condoms. Lots of condoms.

Betty Draper of Mad Men: We'd find a way to get her her modeling career back.

Shane Botwin of Weeds: A new family. This kid is the smartest one in the bunch, and he's got no chance growing up with his mom and Uncle Andy.

Michael Scott of The Office: I'd bring Holly back to him. She and Michael's shared dorkiness cracked me up.... plus, if his soulmate was around, he might not be as difficult to tolerate at work.

Kim of Kath & Kim: A gift card to Claire's, since her hair accessories are all suited for a 6-year-old.

Coolio of Coolio's Rules and Flavor Flav of Flavor of Love: Makeovers. If I kept the same style for as long as these two aging rappers have held on to theirs, I'd still have a spiral perm and tall, ratted bangs coaxed to stand on end via Aqua Net. And my MC Hammer pants.

Hey Santa! I've got a naughty and nice list for you

With Christmas fast approaching, I know Santa Claus is awfully busy right now. So I've taken it upon myself to procrastinate my own holiday shopping and help St. Nick with his annual duties. After a satisfying year of wasting away in front of the telly, I'd like to humbly suggest a few picks for the Naughty and Nice list.

I hope the elves can whip up something extra special for these four nice TV characters:

Betty Draper, Mad Men
And by nice, we mean that she has to be somewhat void of emotions to handle her life without losing her marbles. Betty isn't a super likeable character, but up until the end of the last season, she put up endless humiliations, insults and disrespect from her womanizing (possibly-alcoholic) husband, Don. When Don practically called her a whore for buying a two-piece bathing suit at an auction, my heart broke for her. Betty has a whole lot more ‘nice' in her than we could ever muster.

Sookie Stackhouse, True Blood
Sure, Sookie made a misstep by running into Sam's arms (and toying with his emotions) when Bill disappeared for a couple of days. But telepathic Sookie has been through a lot. Between her grandmother's brutal murder, her brother's overwhelming idiocy, an attempt on her life, her best friend's anger management problems, and being shunned by her whole town, we think she's a pretty sweet woman.

Joe Dubois, Medium
This man is a saint and the backbone of this TV family, which returns to TV in January. Joe is constantly woken up by his wife in the middle of the night, he's left to deal with getting his three daughters to school and handle family business when Allison rushes off to deal with her dead-people visions. He's kind, supportive and every time we think he's finally going to get irritated, he cracks a joke -- and that awesome smile.

Turtle, Entourage
Let's face it: Of all the Entourage characters, Turtle has never had a lot going for him, particularly in the area of ladies. Finally this season, he seems to have scored big points with not just a woman, but famous actress (Jamie-Lynn Sigler). And right as Turtle is getting ready for a romantic getaway weekend with Jamie, Vince calls and requests his presence on a trip back to New York. And Turtle dropped everything to go. What a great friend.

A lump of coal would be too good a prize for any of these chumps:

Miguel Prado, Dexter
When Miguel showed up at the beginning of the most recent season, it seemed like Dexter was going to make a true friend. As it turns out, Miguel turned out to be a a lunatic sociopath with no feelings and no moral code. Jimmy Smits did a great job making this now-deceased character truly despicable.

Spencer Pratt, The Hills
The above being said, Prado is still much more likeable than Spencer, a controlling, cruel, jackass who has somehow captured the heart of Heidi Montag. This year alone, Spencer made Heidi's mother cry; mooched off of and disparaged his own sister; and has thrust a huge wedge between Heidi and her family and friends. Heidi's not blameless, but he and that creepy beard are the root of the evil. This relationship, if it's indeed real, seems like a Lifetime movie waiting to happen.

Lacey, Rock of Love Charm School
I want to like Lacey because she's an animal rights activist, but every time I watch her manipulate other women on VH1 reality shows, I wonder how a person can be so compassionate for furry things and so hateful toward her fellow woman. Every chick-fight on this show has stemmed from Lacey's evil maneuvers, and her fake, tear-filled apologies are vomit-inducing. I've seen more convincing acting in junior high theater productions.

Nancy Botwin, Weeds
When Weeds first began, I had a soft spot for Nancy and how she chose to deal with her money problems. But this season, I think I can honestly say I like everyone on the show more than Nancy, who has proven to be perhaps the worst mother in TV history. It's a sad day when layabout Uncle Andy is the most responsible adult in the picture. And now Nancy is knocked up again? Good grief.