April Fools! Counting Down the Top 10 TV Morons

April Fools Day is a day to play practical jokes, and in doing so, a way to celebrate folks that are dim-witted enough to fall for them. But let's face it: you can only watch a your office-mates return a call to Mr. Behr from the zoo so many times before it stops being funny.
So to further celebrate this fine, upcoming holiday of lugheads and laughter, I compiled a list of my Top 10 TV Fools.


10. Molly Malaney, The Bachelor
Honestly, the whole situation that transpired with Jason on the After the Final Rose almost seemed like a bad April Fools' prank. Sadly, it wasn't, and when Molly took him back, she seemed desperate and prideless. Geez, at least pretend you're upset to be second fiddle.

Quote: "This is something I dreamt of, but never expected to hear. ... I'd be lying if I said I was glad this wasn't happening right now."

9. Flavor Flav, Flavor of Love
On two installments of this reality show, an aesthetically-challenged, 50-year-old rapper with a penchant for wearing over-sized clock necklaces, pimp suits and Viking horns searched for true love with "ladies" in their 20s. Frankly, Flavor Flav is the class clown that never grew up.

Quote: "Yeaaaaah Boyyeeeee!"

8. Woody Boyd, Cheers
As a bartender at Cheers, it's a miracle that bumbling Boyd (Woody Harrelson) could even remember how to make a proper cocktail when simple small talk sailed far above his head. Even with his foolishness, though, he still married the daughter of a millionaire and went on to become a politician. Not that you need smarts to do that.

Quote: Sam Malone to Woody: "You know what, Woody? You just gave me something to think about." Woody: "I'm sorry Sam. I hate it when someone does that to me."

7. Michael Scott, The Office

In the world of incompetent, politically incorrect, time-wasting bosses, Scott (Steve Carell) reigns supreme. After numerous run-ins with his supervisors and his lack of leadership skills, we can't believe this idiot still has a job.

Quote: "I guess the atmosphere that I've tried to create here is that I'm a friend first, and a boss second, and probably an entertainer third."

6. Joey Tribbiani, Friends

Tribbiani (Matt LeBlanc) sleeps with a stuffed penguin named Hugsy, considers eating 15 Oreos at once as a crowning achievement and starred in a Japanese TV commercial for men's lipstick. Case closed.

Quote (on living alone):"I thought it'd be great, you know? Have some time alone with my thoughts. Turns out, I don't really have as many thoughts as you'd think."

5. Rose Nylund, The Golden Girls
With her meandering, pointless tales of life in St. Olaf, Minnesota, and her complete oblivion to everything around her, Nylund (Betty White) is incredibly endearing and entertaining. But smart? Not by a long shot.

Quote: "You know what they say: You can lead a herring to the water, but you have to walk really fast or he'll die."

4. Peter Griffin, Family Guy
Well, for starters, Peter's baby, Stewie, and dog, Brian, are both a million times smarter than him. Besides being obese and a heavy drinker, he's also a purveyor of grotesque bodily functions, loves Pauly Shore movies and treats his daughter Meg like a pariah.

Quote: "I'm going to microwave a bagel and have sex with it. "

3. Chrissy Snow, Three's Company
Snow is the textbook definition of a dumb blonde, all the way down to her uncontrollable snorts during laughter. But she's got another loveable side: She makes astute observations from time to time –- but without knowing she's doing it, of course.

Quote: "This breakfast is good enough to eat!"

2. George Costanza, Seinfeld
Costanza lived at home with his parents, was chronically unemployed, and his most successful day was when he did the opposite of all his instincts. But the icing on the cake: When he flew all the way to Akron, Ohio, to insult a guy who'd demeaned him at a meeting, and ended up being the butt of the joke. Again. Constanza is the real jerk store here.

Quote: "My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter, I was raised to give up. It's one of the few things I do well."

1. Beavis/Butthead, Beavis & Butt-head

Without a doubt, these two are the biggest morons to ever hit TV. Their conversations are made up of banal music commentary and bathroom humor, interspersed with their signature laugh, "heh-heh-heh."

Quotes: Beavis: "My name is Cornholio. I need T.P. for my bunghole." Butt-head: "This sucks more than anything has ever sucked before."

Five thoughts for Sunday

1. Ladies, don't you hate it when, after getting your hair colored, your scalp is so itchy and dry from the scrubbing it gets to efficiently remove all the last remnants of dye? I feel like I'm in a Head & Shoulders commercial, minus the white flecks on the shoulder of my black shirt.

2. Watching TV series on DVD is possibly the best thing I've ever done. Otherwise, there's just no way I'd ever get to watch a million seasons of The Sopranos so long after the series started/ended. (Watch The Wire on DVD if you never did when it was on the air! It's perhaps the best crime drama ever.)

3. Everytime I clean out my keyboard, I am amazed at how freakin' COLD those bottles of compressed air get.

4. Is there anything cuter than two dogs spooning on the couch?

5. Besides his bizarre public masturbation habits, Miles (our cat) also likes to take showers. On weekends, after about 8 a.m., he starts whining for someone to get up and take one. (He's doing that now.)
When he's showering, sometimes he just sticks his head in through the side, other times, he gets into the tub and fully soaks himself. He's been doing for 13 years, since he was a kitten.
Also, for those of you who don't know, Miles also has a buck tooth. Total freak show.

Super-boredom strikes

Yep, another survey from Facebook. I'm officially almost as big an asshole as David Caruso for even filling this out ... on a Friday night, no less.


Three Other Names I have been called:
1. Maze
2. Hotts or Hottie (my friend Elana calls me these)
3. Slut or pussy (Terms of endearment with some of my other girlfriends. We like to swear. So what?)

Three jobs I have had in my life:
1. Hardware slinger
2. Jockstrap launderer at a fitness club
3. Babysitter of bubble skirts and mega-bangles (current)

Three Places I have lived:
1. Salem, OR
2. Freeport, IL
3. Spokane, WA

Three TV shows that I watch:
1. True Blood
2. Big Love
3. United States of Tara

Three places I have been:
1. Tulum, Mexico
2. Mount Rushmore
3. Dominican Republic

Three of my favorite foods:
1. Spicy red pepper hummus
2. Scallops
3. Cupcakes

Three people I think will respond:
1. Bored
2. Boreder
3. Boredest

Three things I am looking forward to:
1. Finishing a fiction novel
2. Maternity leave from work
3. Raising a son that doesn't behave like he was raised by wolves, video games or TV.

Three things that aggravate you:
1. When there aren't enough yellow and green pieces in a box of Dots
2. 80 percent of people
3. Bangs in my eyes

Three musicians/bands you could listen to forever:
1. Prince
2. A Tribe Called Quest
3. Wu-Tang Clan

Three things you want to do better:
1. Stick to an exercise routine
2. Read instead of watching crappy TV shows
3. Own plants without killing them

Disturbia

Five Disturbing Things That Are On My Mind:


1. Signs in each of our bathroom stalls at work recently popped up, and I don't even want to think about what prompted them. They say something like, "If you have an accident, please clean it up as best you can for the next person."

What the fuck does this mean? That grown women cannot manage to do their business in the toilet? So often that a sign is required? Man, people are nasty.

2. I am a turtle. The more pregnant I get, the harder it is for me to get up from a reclining position without rolling around a bunch to gather enough momentum. If the phone rings and it's across the room, I probably won't get there before voice mail picks up. It sucks.

3. New iPod. I'm freakin' obsessed with it! Sadly, much of the music we had on our computer was lost some years ago when an apartment flood wiped it out. So I've been ripping CDs like a madperson and organizing my tunes like a champ. It's so much better than my old mp3 player! I recently got a voice mail from my best friend, Wendy: "You haven't called me back. Are you all cracked out on that iPod?!" Um, yes.

4. My cat is masturbating right this minute. I mean, get a room, Miles. Geez.

5. The Rocky Mountain News published its last issue today. A very well-done, but sad, video called "Final Edition" is posted here. I will no longer complain about the puny raises we get this year (1 percent or so), which are more than negated by the furlough days we're being forced to take. At least I still get a paycheck.

25 Things

So, I've been tagged to post "25 random things about myself" on Facebook, like, 8 times. And finally, I am bored enough to do it. But I won't post it there, because I'll feel too lame (in front of the people I barely know but are my "friends"). So I'm doing it here instead.

Feel free to ignore.

1. If I could get up early enough to make them, I would eat tamales or enchiladas for breakfast at least once a week.

2. I only thought I'd live in Louisville for a few years. April will make six years.

3. I sometimes wonder what my natural hair color is. But not enough to stop coloring it.

4. It may or may not be true, but I think astrology can explain a lot about a person.

5. Shoes are my weakness.

6. Lately, I've had a couple of dreams that Michelle Obama and I are friends, and we go shopping together at J. Crew.

7. Every time I buy a Powerball ticket, I'm positive that I will win.

8. The teenager in me would have never believed this, but I now hate talking on the phone.

9. It's so cold at my job, I usually huddle underneath a pink Hello Kitty blanket at my desk.

10. I watch Young & The Restless every night at 7 p.m. on SoapNet.

11. Mayonnaise, mushrooms and black licorice make me shudder.

12. Vacuuming and folding laundry are my two favorite household chores.

13. Converting over to one of those flat wallets changed my life.

14. I'm happiest when I'm wearing a dress and heels.

15. I have at least 50 shades of eyeshadow, maybe more.

16. It pisses me off when I can't sleep past 7:30 on weekends. Why do you wake me up, body? WHY?

17. I love the Golden Girls. I watch them a lot when I go to bed at night.

18. The heated seats in my car almost make winter bearable.

19. I wonder why so many people in Louisville are absolutely incapable of posing for any photo without flashing a peace sign or some "I'm the shit" look on their face. Is it a regional thing, or are they just idiots?

20. I hate that I live so far away from so many of my close girlfriends.

21. The two best Christmas presents I have ever received are: My dog, Lucy, and my GPS, which saves me untold amounts of gas and miles on my car.

22. I just ate some cereal and it wasn't very satisfying. Should have had toast instead.

23. Unless I want to cry, I have to change the channel when I see sad news stories about animals -- or when that ASPCA commericial with Sarah McLachlan comes on.

24. I'm starting to get some ADD writing this list. Ten things would have been plenty.

25. I'm counting down the days until the return of my favorite Sunday night shows: True Blood, Dexter and Mad Men.