Introducing Pig Pen

Sometimes, we call Archie "Pig Pen" because he comes inside looking like the Peanuts character.

8 Things That Take More Time Than Eating Dinner

Every time I feed the dogs, you'd think it was the first meal they have ever received.

Lucy furiously licks her lips as though they are coated with chicken breasts. Archie turns millions of clockwise circles until the food lands in his bowl. And then they both inhale it like they are in a race for The World's Biggest Ribeye Steak.

Here are ten things that last longer than Draper Canine Dinner Time:

1. Typing this sentence.

2. Putting on a pair of earrings.

3. Unlocking a car door.

4. My attention span during a televised baseball game.

5. A 14-year-old boy having sex.

6. Kyle switching back and forth between three football games.

7. Me deciding to buy something with Hello Kitty on it.

8. The amount of time it would take me to quit my job were I ever to win the lottery.

Rainy Saturday

Summary haiku:

Watching "Snapped." Drinking
coffee. Listening to dogs
snore. This is the life.

TV Throwdown: Oprah vs. Ellen

Recently, I've had some vacation time to burn. During my time off, I ran errands, did some work around the house and watched a little bit of daytime TV. And frankly, that made me really happy that I have a day job.

But there is one shining star amongst all the televised crapola, and that gem is The Ellen Degeneres Show. The hour-long show never fails to entertain, and we pretty much think Ellen is the queen of daytime TV.

Then again, there's also some other talk show host, Oprah Winfrey, who's pretty popular, too. Or so we've heard. ;)

So for our amusement, we decided to pit the two daytime hosts against each other... because, hey, what else do we have to do with our vacation time?

MEMORABLE GUEST SPOTS:
I love Ellen's dry sense of humor and am impressed by the comfortable rapport she creates with her guests, whether it's a celebrity or a little kid. Recently, she let Heidi Klum promote her new cosmetics line for Victoria's Secret. But what made it fun is that Ellen and Heidi made over studio audience guests in 45 seconds. Blindfolded. The results were disastrous and hilarious.
That's good stuff, Ellen. But until you score something as ludicrous as Tom Cruise's couch-jumping interview, this round easily belongs to Oprah.

Oprah, 1; Ellen, 0.

DANCING:
Ellen dances every day. Oprah doesn't.

Oprah,1; Ellen, 1.

OUTFITS:
Oprah always looks classically put-together, and wears bright colors really well. She's also a master at changing her hairdo.
And whether Ellen is hosting her talk show or the Oscars, she's consistently fun, funky and freshly accessorized. Just ask Kanye West, who complimented her fashion sense during a recent appearance on her show: "You've got really great style," he told her. "Seriously, this is one of the people you should look at whenever you're trying to figure out how to put together an outfit, especially for guys."
Plus, Ellen wears Converse.

Oprah, 1; Ellen, 2.

SIGNIFICANT OTHERS:
Portia de Rossi: Hot. Stedman Graham: Not so much.

Oprah, 1; Ellen, 3.

INCOME:
Oprah probably has enough money to bail out our country from its current economic crisis. I'm sure Ellen does all right, but we feel safe in saying it's nowhere near Oprah's billions and billions of dollars.

Oprah, 2; Ellen 3.

WORLD DOMINATION:
Up against many other people, Ellen could seriously sweep this category. Her list of achievements includes: Emmy-winning talk show host, best-selling author, revered stand-up comedian, successful TV and film actress. She was only the second woman to host the Oscars on her own (the first was Whoopi Goldberg), and she's the newest face of Cover Girl cosmetics for 2009.
To list all of Oprah's accomplishments would be nearly impossible in this short section, but we'll hit the highlights: She has a long-standing talk show, a store in Chicago, a magazine, and will reportedly get her own cable network in 2009. She started a reality show to reward do-gooders with money, and has given away new cars to her studio audiences. And of course, she's got the Midas touch, transforming anything she touches into pure gold. (How else would we all have been saddled with that douchebag, Dr. Phil?)

That's the short list. And it earns Oprah the win -- plus an extra credit point.

Oprah, 4; Ellen, 3.

So, you win the battle on paper, Oprah. But on TV, we'd totally choose Ellen. No offense, but you conflict with our viewing of The Young & The Restless. And what can I say? I like to laugh more than I like to cry.

Stop Your Honking, Jackass

People in Louisville LOVE to honk their horns in tunnels, and I don't understand it.

Every single day on my way to and from work, I go through a tunnel on I-64, and some asshole honks his horn numerous times while inside.

WHY?

There are no kids in these cars, so it's not their request. These people are probably going to work, and they likely travel this route every day. I just don't understand it. Someday, they're going to need to honk at someone who's about to hit them, and their horn will be defunct. And it will serve them right.

TV Throwdown: Housewives Edition

If you would have told me five years ago that I'd end up tuning into two different TV shows about housewives, I'd have replied "There's a better chance of me baking a blueberry pie from scratch than that happening."

And I would have ended up eating my words -- and perhaps a (store-bought) blueberry pie. Now, here I am DVRing Desperate Housewives, and watching the shenanigans of Bravo's newest installment in its Real Housewives series: The Real Housewives of Atlanta.

And because I think too much about TV, these shows got me thinking: With which of these groups would I rather share a neighborhood?

So, I put them to the test in a personalized battle. The (dish) gloves are off!

NEIGHBORLINESS:
When DH Susan got new neighbors, Bob and Lee, she accidentally gifted them housewarming cookies to which Lee was allergic. To try and make up for it, she kidnapped their dog so that she could pretend to heroically find it -- and got caught. Susan also burned Edie's house down. Edie, meanwhile, has slept with at least three of her fellow housewives' exes. And we're just getting started -- these ladies are not Ned Flanders.

On RH, the ladies do a lot of backbiting, but are generally kind and supportive of each other's causes in public. Kim has been trying to mend the rift between Sheree and NeNe. And when Sheree recently got sick, Kim brought her medicine and other illness supplies -- packaged in a Ferragamo bag. Even though that's totally ostentatious, nothing is better than hand-delivered Nyquil when you're feeling like crap.

Desperate, 0; Real, 1.

STAR POWER:
DH's Bree and Gabrielle have each had some fame. Bree has gained Martha Stewart-like status, and Gabi is an ex-model.

Lisa Wu-Hartwell of RH was previously married to Keith Sweat -- one of the greatest R&B artists of all time. Still, he's not in the picture anymore, and he's not technically a housewife himself.

Desperate, 1; Real, 1

'HOODS:
Granted, the RH crew don't all live in the same neighborhood. But the houses on Wisteria Lane seem like shanties compared to any of the RH cribs. So, if I were neighbors to any of the RH, it's logical to assume I'd be filthy rich. Need I say more?

Desperate, 1; Real, 2.

ARGUMENTS:
For the most part, the RH make catty comments behind each other's backs, or out of the public eye. Well, except for the TV cameras. Based on last week's previews, Kim is fixin' to text message NeNe to call her a bitch.

But on DH, the majority of confrontations take place loudly, in broad daylight, usually in the middle of the street or a driveway. If you lived here, you really wouldn't even need a TV because the entertainment is right outside the door.

Desperate, 2; Real 2.

THE KID FACTOR:
We don't see a whole lot of the kids on RH unless they're being thrown ridiculously extravagent birthday parties, getting $1,000 checks or taking private music lessons. And frankly, we don't want to see any more of them, because they're probably spoiled rotten brats.

On DH, Lynette's got a house full of hellraisers, Gabi's has bully-daughter and Bree's son has blackmailed her. They are like older versions of the aformentioned offspring.

Tie!

Desperate, 2; Real, 2.


FASHION SENSE:
The beauty of having close female friends/neighbors is that there's the option of borrowing cute outfits when you're in a pinch.

The RH are probably more realistically-sized women than the size-0 squad of Wisteria Lane. Still, I'm not sure that any of the RH even wear a bra, or for that matter, own any outfits that don't display 15 pounds of breast flesh. (Did you see Kim's outfit for a children's birthday party?)

The DH would offer far more wardrobe variety. Between Bree's classically tailored look, Edie's sexpot outfits, Susan's casual style and Gabi's closet full of old designer dresses, you'd be pretty much set for any occasion. (But if you want to fit into them, you're going to have to say no to Bree's delicious desserts.)

And the winner is....

Desperate, 3; Real, 2.

Bottom line: They may be rich, but the RH aren't that likeable. And they aren't even fictional characters.

Pumpkin ice cream is from heaven

I stopped at the grocery store after work to get some cucumbers, tomatoes and cheese. My path through Kroger took me past a freezer filled with Edy's pumpkin ice cream, which I've never had, but sounded delicious.

It was the most delicious thing to ever pass my lips. Thank God it's only sold from Sept. to Nov., or I'd weigh 400 pounds.

Fashion TV: I've Seen Enough Of The Catty-walks.

As viewers grimace through Stylista, the newest addition to fashion-related, reality TV train wreck, it's hard not to wonder: Are these shows even in style anymore?

When America's Next Top Model and Project Runway launched, they seemed new and fresh and different. Unlike the slew of purely voyeuristic shows that were already out there, both programs explored uncharted territory and contestants actually required some sort of special skills to participate. Plus, they offered a glimpse into the dramatic and bitchy world of fashion, so the package made for a reality TV goldmine.

But then came the knock-offs. Once Janice Dickinson was done as a judge on ANTM, she got her own show, The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency. And frankly, it made ANTM seem as smart as The West Wing.

And it's only gotten worse from there. Not only have ANTM and PR lost their luster, interlopers such as America's Most Smartest Model, the horrifyingly bad Glam God With Vivica A. Fox, The Rachel Zoe Project – and now, Stylista – are trying to hop on the long-departed bandwagon.

But wait, there's more. Shear Genius puts scissorhands to the test, while Lifetime's new offering Blush: The Search for the Next Best Make-Up Artist premieres Nov. 11. Even if they play upbeat techno music and feature rapid-fire scene changes, can you think of anything more boring than watching people apply eyeshadow and buff blemishes for an hour?

I'd rather topple off a pair of 8-inch platforms into a bed of Tyra Banks' used hair extensions.

Besides, do contestants even benefit anymore? With constant turnover of reality TV out there, 15 minutes of fame has been reduced to about three minutes. And if you think about it, the only person who has been catapulted from obscurity to fame and career success isn't even a contestant – it's PR mentor, Tim Gunn, who is now a bonafide celebrity.

Now, to be fair, most people, including myself, have better things to do than track every move of reality show winners. But if any of these folks were making it -- truly making it, like, on the level of Gisele Bundchen or Marc Jacobs -- we'd hear about it.

Does anyone even consider Adrienne Curry, the first winner of ANTM, a model anymore? We think she's more synonomous with embarrassing VH1 reality shows and marrying Christopher Knight, whose most recent claims to fame includes his stints on Celebrity Circus and Celebrity Family Feud.

Try looking up ANTM alum CariDee English and you'll see more stories about her alleged make-out sessions with teen skateboard sensation Ryan Sheckler and her speeches about psoriasis awareness than modeling.

Meanwhile, the two PR winners who have probably seen the most success are the same folks who had established careers upon joining the cast. Season two winner Chloe Dao already had her own thriving clothing boutique, which is still going strong today. Recently, she sold out her 13-piece collection on QVC and was tapped to create a line of electronics accessories to be sold in stores like Target, Circuit City and Best Buy.

Season three champ Jeffrey Sebelia came to PR with an pre-exsisting clothing line, Cosa Nostra, and celebrity clientele. Since the show, he's launched a contemporary women's clothing line, Good Vig.

Sure, other winners from both shows are gainfully employed in their respective fields. But we have to wonder if that's because of the spotlight and humiliation that comes with reality TV, or in spite of it. Still, we're looking forward to seeing how it all pans out for people.

Our best bets for long-term success include season three ANTM winner Eva Marcille (who dropped Pigford from her name). She models, but she's also become a decent film and TV actress. Currently, she plays Tyra Hamilton on The Young & The Restless. Laugh if you want, but once upon a time, Eva Longoria called Y&R home, too.

We also have high hopes for PR winner Christian Siriano. Immensely talented for his young age, he's also got an engaging personality -- we predict both will take him far.

Certainly, viewers can enjoy much jackassery on the newest diluge of fashion programs. But as for producing the next great stylist or make-up artist? Does anyone really care? Or should Fashion TV just go the way of the peg-rolled jeans? As much as we love clothes and style, we're leaning toward the latter.

Halloween-y movies

Why did they remake
Salem's Lot? Original
is a true classic.

Freddy Krueger may
have an ugly sweater,
but it looks quite warm.

Michael Myers can
always catch people with his
lumbering gait. How?

Saw 5? Amazing.
Jigsaw is older than John
McCain. Not dead yet?

Hannibal Lecter
has never been as hungry
as I am right now.

Leatherface's skin
mask: New 'it' accessory?
I'll take a scarf, thanks.

Judging Miss Maisy

Today, I had the pleasure of judging a pet costume contest at the Three Dog Bakery in Louisville. It was hilarious, and I wish there were enough prizes for all 35-40 dogs that participated. (But they did all get a free bag of treats.)

Now, I admit: Lucy and Archie do get Halloween costumes, but they only wear them long enough to get their photos made ... probably about 3 minutes. These pooches today were already dressed when they showed up at the spot -- and then they waited in line wearing outfits for at least an hour because the other judge was 30 minutes late.

So, kudos to all of those little (and big) guys because my dogs would have torn off their suits before we got out of the driveway.



And guess what? There was a little dragon named Maisy (above)! I couldn't really see what kind of dog it was, but she licked my hand from under her green suit. In fact, it's hard to get dogs to hold still long enough for a picture, so none of these pics are that great.

Anyhoo, I can imagine what some of these dogs were thinking (in haiku, of course).





Elvis (above):
I know you hand-glued
sequins to my cape. Sorry
I shook them off.

The Cat in the Hat, Thing 1 and Thing 2:
"I'm no fucking cat!"
"And we weren't twins -- until
you sprayed our hair blue."




Desperate Housewives (above):
The women on the
show don't wear housecoats. Where
is our damn glamour?



Rock star (above):
Oh yeah, bitches. I
know you want me. I'm yours -- for
a treat and butt sniff.



A bunch of grapes (above):
Squeaky scarecrow toy
and fifty dollar prize was
SO worth the effort.



Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's (above, the picture kept loading sideways, and I can't fix it. But it was too cute not to post.):
I am too fancy
to be in here with
pirates and pumpkins.

Creep-fest: Dexter Morgan vs. Bill Compton

Halloween is coming, so it seems like a great time to assess our two favorite blood-obsessed creepies from cable television: Dexter Morgan of Dexter and Bill Compton, the resident vampire of True Blood.

Each of these gentlemen is charming in his own way. But when you look at the big picture, they're still not the kind of guys you'd want for neighbors or anything. Let's face it: They both come with a lot of baggage.

But if you had to live next door to one of them, who is your best bet? Who's the most productive member of society? Glad you asked.

I've rated Dex and Bill in various categories to determine which killer is the best for the general population.

AFTER DARK ACTIVITIES: If Dexter's out at night, he's usually carving somebody up, stalking his next victim, or trying to cover up the fact that he's been on a murdering spree.

Bill, on the other hand, is probably just indulging his super-strong vampire libido by getting laid. I'm sure Bill runs all his errands at night, too, since he can't do them during daylight. And being that he's so polite, he'd probably even bring you back a pint of Ben & Jerry's from Walgreens if you asked him real nice.

Dexter, 0; Bill, 1

EMOTIONAL AVAILABILITY: Dexter admits he doesn't really have feelings. In order to propose to his girlfriend in a believable way, Dexter had to mimic the words and emotions of a recent crime scene victim. How romantic!

Bill, on the other hand, is no stranger to loving relationships and family life -- it's just that he hasn't really done it since he the time of the Civil War. But even though he's dead (undead?), he's still more emotionally alive than Dexter.

Dexter, 0; Bill, 2


BENEFITS/CONSEQUENCES OF BEING THEIR FRIEND: Dexter's social skills leave something to be desired, and if his secret is eventually revealed, you will forever be known as "that guy who was best friends with the worst serial killer in Miami history." But he's incredibly loyal to those he loves. And who knows? He may even protect you when you don't even know you need it (See: Debra and the Ice Truck Killer, or Angel and Lila.)

Bill's social ills are right out there in the open, so you know what you're getting into right away. He's 173 years old and a great conversationalist, so he could regale pals with hours of historical tales. But being friends with and/or dating Bill comes with social ramifications -- such as being called a Fangbanger -- and it also means that other, scarier vampires may show up at any time. No, thanks!

Dexter, 1; Bill, 2.

MAINSTREAMING: Dexter makes all the right moves to fit in: He's gainfully employed (as a crime fighter, no less!), he has a girlfriend/family, drives a mini-van and appears to lead a normal, middle America life.

Bill is polite and well-spoken. And even though he can seemingly travel at the speed of sound on his own, he drives a sweet BMW. Still, he's jobless, will never be able to meet you for brunch (daylight!)... and he sleeps in the floorboards of his house and drinks blood from a bottle. There's no contest.

Dexter 2; Bill, 2.

CLEAN-UP FACTOR: Dexter prepares for his bloodbaths using plastic tarps and duct tape. He maintains laser-like precision as he's dicing fools up.

Bill usually strikes without much warning, but can clean up his messes pretty well with his mouth.

Frankly, there are no guarantees when it comes to killing. With both men, you run the risk of seeing them covered in blood, which is not an 'it' accessory during any season. It's a draw.

Dexter, 2; Bill, 2

USE OF SKILLS: When it comes to murder, Dexter lives by a strict moral code. He only offs people who have gotten away with murder themselves. So technically, he's using his evil for good. Even though it's possible that he's killed more people than his victims combined.

Bill also eschews the habits of his more evil peers. He makes an effort to blend into society, and drinks synthetic blood to avoid feasting on humans. Bill won't use his bewitching skills unless it's absolutely necessary to save himself or a loved one, and he will defend humans against other vampires.

When all is said and done, though, there are probably more murderers running lose than vampires, making one man more useful to society.

Dexter, 3; Bill, 2.

Sorry, Bill. I still love you anyway.

Archie Warren Draper: Possum Hunter

Summary haiku:
Bye, hidden possum.
Thanks for giving us our shed
back. And good riddance.












So, if you've been following any of my periodic Facebook updates, or if you happen to be a good friend of mine, you've probably heard about the ongoing saga of Archie and our shed.

Ever since this incident, in which Archie shimmied under the shed and I had to dig him out during a thunderstorm, he has been obsessed with circling and barking at the shed.

This was June 17. And Kyle boarded up the edges of the shed, right? So what the hell? Even if there was something under there, there's no way it could still be alive after nearly four months. Right?

Well, Kyle was off work today. So even though we've unboarded the shed a couple of different times to make sure there was nothing underneath, Kyle did it once more. And this time, he poked around underneath with a broom handle. And guess what happened?

A big, nasty possum scurried out, bearing its teeth. "Oh shit!," Kyle thought, trying to collect the pets and get them inside. (Unfortunately, Archie and Lucy were also outside at the time because Kyle was certain he'd find nothing new under there.)

Archie came ripping around the side of the shed -- no barking, no growling -- but he was gonna show the object of his summer-long obsession who owned this fucking yard. Kyle didn't see exactly what happened at first, but it ended Archie wrestling the possum, which was about the same size as him (17 pounds).

Kyle collected Lucy and Archie, while the possum just laid there. Kyle thought it was dead... but that whole playing possum cliche didn't come from nowhere.

(A moment of education, courtesy of Indiana University website: "Possums are famous for "playing dead" when threatened, but this isn't quite accurate. They are not "playing" dead at all: the possum goes into shock when particularly stressed. While not dead, it can be found lying on its side with its legs extended and is, in fact, limp and unconscious during this time, like a person who has fainted.")

About a minute later, Kyle looked out the kitchen window and saw the possum mosey over into the corner of the yard. That's when he called me and relayed the story.

Apparently, Archie bit the possum because it had a slight limp as it walked across the yard.

So of course, paranoid mom called the vet to make sure Archie wouldn't have any nasty possum diseases. (They said he'd be fine since he was up to date on his shots.)

But anyway. The shed has been re-boarded up at the bottom. And we're damn sure nothing is under there anymore (and that the possum has left our yard), because for the first time in months, Archie is just peacefully tooling around the yard, marking his territory. Which, of course, includes the same patch of shed from which the possum emerged. He peed on that part twice.

Need I mention how glad I am that I was working when all this took place?

Kyle's summary of the situation: "Possums are no joke."

Live blogging: Rock of Love Charm School

(Note: Blogger was down when I tried to publish last night, so it's going up a day late.)


The opening scene shows a bus transporting the hooches from "Rock of Love" to their new school. It's a short bus! I'm sure that's no coincidence.

Courtney: Who is this chick? I don't even recognize her.

What in the hell is Heather wearing?

Lacey arrives with bright red hair. Someone says, "Her hair looks like my period."

Host Sharon Osbourne: "When I first laid eyes upon this group, I've never seen a more bizarre group of women in my life."

Megan looks like she's wearing a children's skirt.

Why do three of them have bright pink hair?

Rodeo walks like she has s dick. Maybe she does. But I think she has a kid... that's how her and Bret Michael bonded. Inquiring minds want to know!

Who is this woman with Girls Next Door white-blonde hair? She's wearing white pants with red underwear underneath. Classy.

Lacey and Dallas are already totally fighting. Dallas just beaned her in the side of the head with a giant apple. Awesome!

The chick with the red underwear is Raven, and she seems to think she's better than everyone else here. Newsflash: If you're on this show, you're a dipshit. There is no dipshit hierarchy here.

Oh, now I remember why I don't remember Courtney. She got drunk and passed out within the first 10 minutes of ROL.

Lacey tried to rip off Raven's bleach blonde wig ... except, it's attached to her head! It's a weave.

Courtney is drunk again. She fell over on her back. Then she passed out in a plant. Sheesh.

The hosts are showing the sluts video from their time on Rock of Love, so they can see what asses they made of themselves. (Like they didn't watch the show the first time around??)

Sharon to the belching, farting Brandi M: "You're behaving like a drunken pirate."

Raven thinks she's highly intelligent and better than everyone there. Again. Which would be easy to do in this bunch... unless you're Raven.

Courtney is still passed out with her crack hanging out of her pants. She wakes up and pulls herself together for the elimination process. Her eyes are bright red and bloodshot.

Boy, Sharon Osbourne has her hands full.

Raven decides to leave because she's too good for Charm School. "Somebody of my pedigree does not belong here." Maybe you're smart, Raven, but your look is not... you should have at least stayed for a makeover.

The drunk gets the boot, too.

Sharon just called Lacey and Dallas gremlins! But they'll live to see another lesson in manners and etiquette. Lucky us.

TV Inspired GPS Units: Getting There Is Half The Fun

Forget KITT, I want Joy!

It recently came to my attention that Radio Shack released a GPS that speaks in the voice of KITT from Knight Rider. Now, let's be honest: How is that really much different than the grating robotic voices that plague any other navigation device?

On my own GPS, I listened to all 15 of my voice choices multiple times to determine which was the least annoying. I chose "Mandy" -- and after about three weeks of listening to her directions, I had to just mute the thing. Now, I just follow the arrows on the screen.

Anyway, I have a couple of problems with the idea of a KITT GPS. First, if a gadget company is going to try and make some money off of TV addicts, don't you think they should pick a better show than Knight Rider? The current remake of the show is really stinkin' awful.

Second, even if Knight Rider were good, would I really want to spend my car time listening to and/or (hypothetically) having a conversation with boring, condescending ol' KITT? Not so much.

So here are some suggestions for TV-inspired GPS units that I'd actually consider buying for entertainment purposes -- oh, and to help me reach my destination. And for fun, I've included things they might say. (If TomTom or Garvin suddenly comes up with this idea in six months, you saw it here first.)

Model: Joy Darville from My Name is Earl

Sample phrases: "Hey, numb nuts, you just missed your turn!"

"Your driving is makin' me sweat like a whore in church. Now, slow this thang down cuz you need to make a right in two blocks."

"Oh, sorry, sugar. (Chomps gum.) I was distracted by my boob glitter. You shoulda made a left back there. Turn around up here at the trailer park. Maybe we can grab a beer at the kegger while we're up there."

Model: Jim Halpert, the resident practical joker from The Office

Sample phrase: "You're going to want to take this next freeway exit. (Long pause.) No, wait! I was just kidding! Swerve back onto the highway. You actually want the next one."

Model: Tim Gunn, mentor on Project Runway

Sample phrases: "Your destination involves a lot of turns, but we're going to make it work."

"This traffic jam gives me pause. We're going to have to think hard about this and really edit ourselves."

Model: Beavis & Butt-head
Sample phrases:

Butt-head: "Uh, heh-heh, in two miles, uh, turn right on Astor Ave."

Beavis: "Heh heh heh. He said Ass-tor."

Butt-head: "Shut up, Beavis! Hey, uh, driver. Could you, uh, turn up the Metallica?"

Model: The cast from The Hills
Sample phrases:
Lauren: "Wait, I only know the way to Les Deux, Opera and Pinkberry. Are we going any of those places?"

Lo: "I dunno. Ask the driver. Hey, why is Audrina with us?"

Audrina: "Lo, you're super bitchy! Anyway, I have no idea how to get where we're going. I can't see the road because I'm too busy staring into never-never land."

Lauren: "Yeah, but the driver doesn't know how to get there, either. That's why we're here. We're supposed to help."

Whitney: "So, Lauren. Have you met any new boys? Are you going to respond to that letter Heidi sent you?"

Spencer: "What letter? God, why don't you hens shut up and give her the directions already! No wonder I hate all of you!"

I hate orange Dots.

Dear Tootsie Company,

I love the Dots gumdrops that you are responsible for making. Love them. And according to the research I've done, you say that you create equal amounts of all five flavors.

I'd like to call bullshit on that. I cannot recall a time that I have purchased Dots at the movies, the grocery or at Target, where there has not been a disproportionate amount of red and orange Dots in comparison to the other colors. It makes my Dot eating much less pleasurable than if I were able to experience an explosion of fruity flavors mingling together in my mouth. Instead, I can always predict the taste that will be in my mouth: cherry and orange. Cherry and orange. Cherry and orange.

Every once in a GREAT while, I get a splash of delicious, chewy lemon or lime flavor. And that makes me sad, as the green and yellow Dots are my favorites. I don't really give a shit about the strawberry ones. They are a waste.

Recently, I purchased a bag of Halloween-sized boxes of Dots. So far, I have opened 13 of those boxes, and each contained 6 Dots. That's 78 Dots in all. And guess how many were green or yellow? Guess! 12. Not 12 of each color, either.

If you really made equal amounts of each color, I should have had 15.6 green ones and 15.6 yellow ones. So...

WHERE THE FUCK ARE THEY?

I had a really shitty day, and I haven't seen a green one in the last 4 boxes I opened. I hate orange Dots!

I'm not very good at math, but I'm certain I am better at it than the Chief Dot Counter at Tootsie. I'd be happy to take the job, if it becomes open.

Your immediate reply to this devastating situation would be appreciated. Orange Dots are almost as worthless as the strawberry ones.

Sincerely,
Maisy

Runway Recap: The Honeymoon Is Over For Jerell

Oh, Project Runway, I was considering divorcing you after this lackluster season.

But just when I'm ready file for legal separation, you lure me back in with an interesting, fast-paced episode. So I guess for now, we'll renew our vows.

Perhaps I'm feeling all romantical -- PSA: I learned this "word" on Flavor of Love. Everyone, read more books! -- because Runway charged designers with not one, but two challenges to determine which three would show at Fashion Week. We'll give you a hint: The competitions had to do with weddings.

Since the show moved along in short segments -- the designers all got home visits from Tim while they worked on collections -- it seemed like a perfect reason to write this recap in short snippets.

That's right, friends. It's haiku time.

Designers got an

eight thousand dollar budget

to make ten fierce looks.

The catch: One had to

be a wedding dress. Boo hoo!

No one wants this.

Kenley complained: The

others sabotaged her at

the last runway show.

Someone get me a

tissue. She's an innocent

flower! Poor, poor thing.

Korto: Arkansas.

Collection looks gorgeous, bright.

Yellows and greens.

One dress looks like a

vagina, Tim warns. Reptile-

print slit gives him pause.

Korto does African

drumming for Tim, shows off her

family and friends.

Leanne in Portland:

Collection inspired by

waterfront and waves.

Leanne and Tim

rode a tandem bike. Bike has

two baskets and bell.

Worse, Tim was wearing

a bicycle helmet and made

whimpering noises.

"Whooooa. Whooooa." Doesn't he

take taxis in New York? That

seems much scarier.

Rewind. "Whooooa. Whoooa. Whoooa."

I can't help it. It's funny

as hell. (Love you, Tim.)

Jerell in L.A.

He's grown a goatee, but is

wearing normal clothes.

Wow. His garments are

super gaudy. Flashback to

Olympic challenge.

Kenley in Brooklyn.

Tim calls her "sweetheart." Did Tim

have lobotomy?

Her fabrics are hand-

painted, pretty. She's humble.

(No, not a typo.)

Everybody meets

back in New York. Nobody

wants to see Kenley.

She arrives, says "sorry

for being a bitch." Water

under the bridge. Hugs!

New challenge: Make a

bridesmaid dress to match wedding

gown. Loser gets auf'd!

On the runway, it's

ball and chain time. Wedding gowns,

bridesmaid dresses shown.

Oh Jerell, what went

wrong since last time? He made a

Bridezilla set.

Bride dress has boob flaps,

jewels, gray netting. She has a

bouquet on her head.

Maid's dress: A drab, blue,

wrinkly mess. She'll never meet

a boy wearing that!

Leanne's dreamy frocks

impress judges. Nina too!

"Romantic, modern."

(I used to think L

was boring, but she might

have this thing sewn up.)

Korto's dresses are

the same, exact color. Why?

Also, overworked.

Heidi: "I would not

want to be the bride." (Amen,

sister!) "It never ends!"

Kenley dazzles with

feathered wedding gown and short,

cute, blue bridesmaid dress.

Judges dub Leanne

and Kenley the best. Korto

and Jerell wait, scared.

Sorry, Jerell. Your

gharish showgirl gowns will go

back in garment bags.

It's three ladies in

the finals. Next week: Season ends!

(Rewind to bike scene.)

Top Chef

Remember when you were a teenager and you used to daydream: "I wonder what I'll be doing in 10 (or 15 or 20) years?"

Well, I don't really remember what I thought I'd be doing at age 35, but I'm fairly certain it did not involve slaving over a hot stove cooking dinner for ... my dog. But Lucy has an upset stomach, so to help settle it, I made her a "bland meal" of white rice and chicken. (They sell these bland meals at the vet, too, but by the time I got home from work and saw that she was sick, my vet was already closed.)

I hate that she's feeling bad, and I didn't mind doing it. But as I was cutting up the chicken breast, I had time to put it all in perspective: I cooked dinner for my dog, but got something from the to-go deli at Kroger for myself.

Non-issue-related debate observations

Is it just me, or do John McCain's arms look super short tonight? They look like baby arms on an adult body.

I (heart) Chelsea Handler

I'm a total night owl, not always by choice. Sometimes I just can't sleep. So over the years, programs like The Tonight Show, The Late Show -- and on really sleepless nights, The Late Late Show -- have become my friends. And perhaps not for the reason you'd think. Much of the time, I could successfully nod off while watching, save for the occasional stupid pet trick or off-the-beaten-path celebrity interview.

But ever since E! launched Chelsea Lately, my nighttime routine has changed. I actually make an effort to stay awake until midnight (even when I'm actually tired enough to fall asleep early), just so I can check out host Chelsea Handler and her antics. I can tell you right now, it's worth losing sleep over.

Here are the top reasons Handler (who coincidentally used to be a correspondent for The Tonight Show) gets my vote for best late-night talk show host:

1. The show format is fresh.

Handler spends the first part of her show conducting a roundtable discussion with special guests, usually composed of pop culture experts and comedians. It feels like you're in on a comfortable, after-work happy hour discussion with friends, instead of being spoken to for several minutes. A brief comedy sketch, celebrity interview, and sometimes, a musical guest round out the program.

2. She's a spot of pink in a sea of blue.

Late-night television has long been dominated by men, so I love seeing a woman's sense of humor and point of view at the forefront. You'd never see David Letterman commiserating with Melissa Joan Hart about how much of a chore it is to squeeze into Spanx.

3. She's funny. And a little vulgar.
No doubt, Letterman and Jay Leno are funny, too. But I always let loose gut-busting laughs during Chelsea Lately. Her delivery is always spot-on, and because she's on E!, she can be a little bit freer with what she says. She speaks her mind -- and sometimes it's pretty dirty, but in a creative way. (For example, she often refers to lady parts as Peekachoos or Hot Pockets.) I can't help it, I always wonder what she's going to say next. Speaking of that...

4. She conducts great, no-holds-barred interviews.

While many late-night hosts are content to let stars prattle on and on about their upcoming movie or something their toddler did last week (Zzzzz), Handler has admitted that's not how she rolls. Instead, she asks her guests things that people really want to know.

Right after Brooke Hogan's mother started dating a 19-year-old, Handler asked Brooke pointed questions and really got her to open up about how she was handling it. Handler called out Michael Lohan out on his too-tight jeans ("You have camel balls!"). And she joked with Tate Donovan that he was still sexy in spite of his red hair: "But (because of that), you'll never be a full throttle sex pot."

Often, Handler's breezy interview style brings out the carefree jokester in her subjects as well.

5. She interviews musicians.

Music artists never get interviewed by hosts; they're always being relegated to the musical performance portion of late night talk shows (unless they are big ticket names like Jay-Z or Beyonce). But Handler has actual conversations with folks like Fat Joe and Natasha Bedingfield and lets them perform.

6. She's got good style.

Sorry, but if you've seen one guy in a dark suit, you've seen them all. Handler is always wearing an outfit that seems classic and current at the same time – and she's got great, great shoes. I love checking out her ensembles.

7. Chuy!

Having a flamboyantly gay sidekick is so 2001. Handler's assistant is Chuy, a quick-witted, Mexican, little person who is always delivers the best one-liners. He's also a frequent star in the show's sketches.

8. She's an edgy alternative to years of sameness.

After having her own (somewhat inconsistent) self-titled comedy sketch show for a while, Handler seems more comfortable in her new role. She's found her niche and I'm on board. Except for the "Headlines" portion of The Tonight Show, I'm pretty much committed to Chelsea Lately. Which means my snooze bar gets a mean workout every morning.

Runway Recap: Is Jerell Homeless?

Let’s discuss something: Does anyone else wonder how Project Runway’s Jerell can make decent garments when he always looks totally disheveled? Seriously, this man could not look any worse if he picked up the scraps from the workroom floor every week and found a haphazard way to affix them to his body.

Case in point: Last night, he wore a shredded straw hat and beat-up cargo shorts with a sleeveless hoodie; said hoodie had a deep V in front, and was made of a paper thin t-shirt material with a swirly print. (Sadly, there was no picture of that outfit on the website... you'd have loved it.)

Later, on the runway, he showed up in a icky, floppy-neck shirt underneath a sweater vest tunic that had old-man-style plaid pockets. It was like the poor man’s version of Henry Fonda in On Golden Pond.



But maybe in an effort to “update” this geezer look, Jerell wore it with pants (or were they capris?) That looked like they’d lost a battle with a weed wacker.

I’ve seen more pulled together looks on the homeless. And don’t even get me started on that ridiculous Boy Scout hat with chains he donned mid-season.

Still, Jerell pulled another rabbit out of his hat and won Wednesday night’s challenge: To create an evening gown design inspired by nature.



The designers took pics at the botanical gardens, then chose one photo to inspire their dresses. But now that we’re down to four designers, much of the show was dedicated to what a kind and humble young woman Kenley is, and how much everyone likes her.

The show began with Kenley blaming Leanne for her own glaring failure of a hip-hop outfit during the last week’s challenge: “I think she did a little bit of sabotage when she didn’t sell my outfit on the runway. She made it look like a fool’s outfit.”

Merriam-Webster definition of sabotage: “An act or process tending to hamper or hurt.” Actually, Kenley, my recollection is that you sabotaged Leanne’s crotch with those gross, so-not-hip-hop jeans last week.

But, no worry. Let’s move on.

“I had a hard time with the last challenge,” Kenley said, completely forgetting it was all Leanne’s fault, “so I hope this challenge is something I usually do.”

Dictionary definition of challenge: “To arouse or stimulate especially by presenting with difficulties.”

(But I do hear ya, Kenley. I had a really hard time with my last diet, so I hope my next one involves eating at the Indian buffet for every meal and buying Twix bars in bulk at Costco.)

Kenley talked more about how she loved herself and hates the other designers’ work. The other three shunned her. She probably does deserve it, but they were so obvious about it, it reminded me of that Sesame Street song “One Of These Things Is Not Like The Others.”

And considering everyone’s gowns had problems at judging – Jerell’s and Leanne’s seemed unfinished; Korto’s was too “beauty pageant” – they probably would have been better served to spend more time sewing and less time talking smack.

That said, Kenley spent all her time on her dress and it was a hot mess, too. Think Barney-colored reptile mated meets mermaid (the dress shape) meets an artichoke (the weird fin-looking things at the bottom). I like edgy, but it was just ...ew to me.



Still, to mimic the rest of PR’s blah season, this episode ended in an anti-climactic way: Nobody got the boot. All four will create collections for Fashion Week.

At this point, I’m rooting for Jerell. And if he wins, part of his prize should be a makeover on Tim Gunn’s Guide to Style. I'm just sayin'.