The middle finger makes me smile.

Summary haiku:
If I wanted a
scratched car, bitch, I would have bought
a damn jalopy.



It happens all the time and I've even bitched about it before. But some days, when people leave carts strewn about the parking lot, it just gets on my last nerve.

After a long and extremely annoying day at work, I had to stop at Target and return a fan that I spent 35 minutes trying to unsuccesfully assemble. It was hot and I was dressed up in heels, so lugging this giant box sucked.

Twenty minutes later, I came out of Target (with a new, improved giant box) only to watch this stupid, lazy whore empty her shopping cart, then push the cart up between all the cars... and it ended up resting against my bumper.

Of course, the fucking cart corral was right behind her. Not ten cars away, or even two. She would have had to walk directly across the aisle to slip it in. In fact, unless she had really bad aim, she actually could have shoved it from her trunk and returned the cart to the proper area without even taking any extra steps.

Why do people do this?

I don't know... it was just the last straw of my day. I slammed down my fan box next to my car and I was like, "Are you kidding me right now? Are you REALLY going to leave that cart up against my car? The corral is right there!," pointing about four feet away from her gigantic SUV.

Holding her iced Starbucks in one hand, she glared at me like I'd just eaten a kitten's face off. I took her cart and moseyed it over to the corral real slow -- which, since it was behind her, prevented her from pulling out of her space for a few minutes.

I walked be her window and smiled real big. She flipped me off.

And I think it was the first time I ever felt pretty good after being given the bird.

Project Runway: Hip-hop hooray! Wait... what is hip-hop?

It's been a long time since I so thoroughly enjoyed an episode of Project Runway.

With five designers left, the challenge was a recipe for drama and disaster: They had to make outfits for each other. And to further the complications, each garment was to be inspired by a different music genre.

Also, LL Cool J -- who is starting his own clothing line -- was the guest judge. And I cannot complain about any program that provides eye candy like that.

Anyway, here's how it all shook down. Jerell would be creating a pop look for Kenley. Kenley was to make a hip-hop ensemble for Leanne. Leanne was charged with making a country outfit for Korto. Korto was assigned a punk outfit for Suede. And Suede would make a rock look for Jerell.

From there, it was pure comedy, starting with Leanne and Kenley trying to figure out what hip-hop looked like. Kenley: "What would you want to wear if you were a hip-hop artist?" Leanne: "I'll totally do all gangster." Kenley: "I think everyone is wearing high-waisted jeans right now, and it's going to be awesome." Has Kenley actually ever seen a hip-hop video?

Then Leanne busts the worst rhyme that has ever been televised in the history of the world. I was so embarrassed for her, I had to close my eyes.

Back to Kenley: "I'm going to do something really cool that looks good on her. I'm not going to make her look like a fool." Clearly, Kenley has never seen rappers Eve (who has become a bit of a style icon) or Queen Latifah, who is a freakin' Cover Girl.

Later, Kenley asks Leanne to try on her jeans and discovered the crotch was insanely baggy and ill-fitting. When Kenley grabbed the extra fabric, Leanne exclaimed: "You're grabbing my crotch Kenley!" Finally! Ladies, crotch-grabbing is totally hip-hop.

On to the runway... and in honor of LL Cool J (swoon), we've assigned one of his songs to describe each look.

"Big Ole Butt" -- Leanne

Song quote: "When I went home, I kissed my girl on the cheek/but in the back of my mind it was this big butt freak."

As a woman with some junk in her trunk, I meant this song assignment in the nicest possible way. Leanne did Korto and her ample backside proud with a figure-flattering skirt/top/belt/scarf outfit. The judges didn't think it was country enough, but it hugged her curves well.

"Why Do You Think They Call It Dope?" -- Jerell

Song quote: "You better take a chill and observe the skill/of the man who can, so understand.... damn."

Jerell's fishnet laden minidress for Kenley was bangin'. I'll just let him describe it for himself. "Kenley Spears would be rocking this at Madison Square Garden and then probably be kickin' her panties off in the back of a limosine. That's the kind of outfit I've created."

"Dear Yvette" – Kenley

Song quote: "I'm glad you ain't my sister, then again if you was/I'd have to treat you like you was my distant cuz."

Not only is Kenley a witch to everyone on the show, her badly-crafted design also revealed how completely out of touch she is with pop culture.

"It Gets No Rougher" – Suede

Song quote: "Your battleship is sinkin' in quicksand/Strappin' to the bottom like a two-ton anchor."

Suede's rock and roll pants/tank/vest outfit was OK, but lacked the accessories and edge needed to wow the judges. He got the boot.

"I'm Bad"– Korto

Song quote: "I'm the pinnacle, that means I reign supreme/I'm notorious, I'll crush you like a jellybean!"

After making perfectly-fitting metallic black jeans for Suede, Korto distressed them with bleach and paired them with a well thought out top. She topped the whole thing off with tons of chains. She's declared the winner.

Break out the KITT-Kats, it's time for Knight Rider!

The only thing better than watching your favorite TV show is tuning in with your own personal peanut gallery. If I had the time and energy (and if my friends actually watched all the crap I watch), I'd host viewing parties every night of the week.

I really love the idea of creating a theme party, and often it can be done with stuff you already have at home or with relatively little expense. Here are some ideas I'm toying with:

Survivor
The show: Contestants starve, camp, compete and argue for a cash prize.
Snacks: Starving and camping inspired foods: 10 grains of rice for each guest; pork ‘n' beans; S'mores; water (boiled for cleanliness). Offer twigs as utensils.
Decor: Easy decorations could include things we take for granted, such as deodorant, toothpaste, shampoo and clean underwear. You could also uild a kiddie shelter out of couch cushions, chairs and sheets. If you're feeling ambitious, drag a TV and a really long extension cord into the back yard and set up all of the above in a giant camping tent.

Knight Rider
The show: A remake of the 1980s favorite about a man and his futuristic car.
Snacks: Stoplight Jell-O shots in red, yellow and green; pasta salad made with wheel shaped pasta; Kit(t)-Kats.
Decor: Hot Wheels; traffic cones; a GPS (which is as close as we will get to our own KITT); and for nostalgia purposes, you must have this David Hasselhoff poster.

Nip/Tuck
The show: Plastic surgeons from Miami make their way in L.A. while dealing with myriad egos and personal dramas.
Snacks: Boobie cookies; prescription pain killers; and Julia's favorite fruit cake (minus poison).
Decor: Toy scalpels (Halloween is coming, so stock up); hand-held mirrors; wax lips; silicone push-up pads (removed from Victoria's Secret bras); Sharpies (circle your cellulite during the commercials!).

Californication
Snacks: Viagra, vodka, marijuana.
Decor: A candy dish filled with condoms, brochures to Sex Addicts Anonymous; Mood rings. (Get it? Hank Moody!)

Rock of Love Tour Bus
The show: Slated for early 2009, Bret Michaels will look for another girlfriend (cough*hooch*cough) as he travels around the country on a bus performing at state fairs.
Snacks: Insulin, Budweiser, HoHos, penicillin.
Decor: Personalized back stage passes for each guest; roses; thorns; tubes of black liquid eyeliner.

Dexter
The show: While working in Miami's crime lab, a sociopath lives an underground life as a serial killer.
Snacks: Blood oranges (naturally), donuts (which Dex always brings to his girlfriends and coworkers), tteak and beer (Dexter's dinner of choice).
Decor: Miniature plastic dolls in tiny body bags; and the tools of Dexter's trade: Saran Wrap, blood slides, and duct tape.

Easy Money
The show: A drama series about a family of loan sharks.
Snacks: If you're struggling financially because you're in debt, this might be a perfect party for you to throw. Serve wine in a box; Ramen noodles; chocolate coins.
Decor: Credit counseling information; Monopoly money; Suze Orman books.

America's Toughest Jobs
The show: A reality competition in which people are thrust into dangerous and demanding jobs, such as logging, ice-fishing and oil drilling.
Snacks: Coffee (served in Thermoses); big, meaty, Dagwood sandwiches; potato chips.
Decor: Hard hats, insulated cooler lunch box (serve the food out of these); steel toe boots and Carhaart jackets.

Keeping Up With the Kardashians
The show: Follows ample-bottomed Kim Kardashian's family, which includes the thousand or so siblings birthed by her mother, Kris.
Snacks: Honey Buns, cornbread; Sister Starseeker cocktails.
Decor: Hair extensions; business cards to your favorite family therapist; Kim's Playboy issue.

The Ex List
The show: After a psychic tells a woman that her soulmate is a man that she's already dated, she sets out to find him.
Snacks: Break-up staples such as ice cream and red wine, followed by get-skinny-again snacks like carrots and celery.
Decor: Photos that you've ripped your exes' face out of; old journals; a drunk-dialing phone list.

The Hills
The show: Lauren Conrad and her friends engage in repetitive, vapid conversations about themselves and boys.
Snacks: A menu inspired by the vapid Hills stars: Rice cakes (filled with air, just like the conversations); oxygen bar (see the pattern here?); Red Bull (for staying alert during the 418th discussion about Audrina and Lauren's splintered friendship).
Decor: A stack of applicable tabloids; gigantic sunglasses; a barf bag (for Heidi and Spencer scenes); and a dictionary and Boggle game, in order to replenish lost brain cells during commercial breaks.

Emmy Fashion: Strapless Dresses Reign; Sandra Oh Shines.

Sandra Oh and Eva Longoria were among the fashion standouts at the 60th Annual Emmy Awards Sunday night.

It was a night rich with long, flowing dresses and tresses; splashes of color; metallics; straplessness; and flashy jewelry.

As always, classic black dresses were popular on the red carpet, but Oh's black Oscar de la Renta gown was a cut above the rest. Varying textures on the top (lace) and bottom (which had subtle sparkles) were spliced together with a simple black sash that tied in a bow. Her enormous diamond stud earrings were the perfect compliment.

Meanwhile, Longoria defied the floor-length gown norm with her short, matte silver dress, which featured a giant jeweled bow on top and flapper-like fringe on the bottom. Her charcoal smoky eyes, nude lipstick and sleek bob hairstyle completed her memorable and modern look.

America Ferrera was anything but ugly in a strapless, black ruched dress had great shape and lots of personality. She paired it with wavy, flowing locks, red lips and a chunky Fred Leighton necklace for a sophisticated elegant look.

Jenna Fischer, The Office's resident frumpster, was stunning in a Grecian style Gustavo Cadile gown that blended shades of seafoam green, light gray and aqua. The casual feel of her long, wavy locks made her look effortlessly beautiful.

In her metallic gray, off the shoulder gown, Heidi Klum also sported a head-turning capelet.

Ugly Betty's Vanessa Williams was lovely in a black, white and rose print gown by Kevan Hall, with one rhinestone shoulder strap. She topped it off with the perfect diamond drop earrings.

In a green, body-hugging gown, Christina Hendricks of Mad Men showed off her curvaceous figure and the color was a gorgeous complement to her red hair. As for other pretty jewel tones, Nicolette Sheridan turned up in a strapless purple gown, while Brooke Shields was fantastic in strapless fuschia and Tina Fey was elegant in eggplant.

Christina Applegate was a vision in an ice blue asymmetrical dress with metallic patches, pulled-back hair and classic red lipstick.

A few celebs were just a shade shy of perfect. Jennifer Love Hewitt's black and white, strapless Carolina Herrera dress stood out in a crowd, but her big, kinky up 'do looked like something I would have done in high school – and that was in the late 1980s, people. Not a good thing.

Mariska Hargitay was beautiful in her show-stopping, canary yellow asymmetrical dress with a bow on one shoulder and her loose up 'do was divine. But those yellow earrings were a little too much.

Teri Hatcher was ho-hum in a bright yellow dress, which might have been more special if it weren't shown up by Hargitay's number.

The silhouette, shape and back of Julia Louis-Dreyfus' Narciso Rodriguez criss-cross dress was wonderful. But it was salmon, which was reminiscnet of a 1980s bridesmaid, and there was a peekaboo of skin below her chest that didn't scream elegance.

And then, there were the unfortunate.

I only saw January Jones for a moment, when the camera panned over her. But after seeing the Mad Men actress wear so many stylish period dresses on the show, I wasn't impressed by her white mermaid dress. Its bustier top and many seams throughout looked more Frederick's of Hollywood than Hollywood.

Marcia Cross' gown, with its lacy floral overlay on top and poufy netting on the bottom, seemed like it wanted to be champagne colored, but it ended up looking like a used tea bag. The unremarkable color didn't flatter her skin tone, and the dress hit her mid-calf. Thumbs down, especially after seeing another redhead (Hendricks) do her coloring so proud. Cross should have hopped on that jewel tones bus.

Finally, Kathy Griffin's outfit wasn't necessarily on the D-List, but it didn't make the grade. I was all about her strapless, mocha and light pink damask print mermaid gown until the camera panned down to that hideous bow made of baby-poop-green netting that tied around the largest part of her hips – which aren't big, by any means, but still. Yuck.

The Emmys: Knee-jerk reaction

Oh my God. Just when I thought I'd been subjected to enough torture by watching that grueling, boring opening featuring all the reality show hosts, I am now watching Josh Groban perform his medley of TV themes.

This guy is a tool. These shows are horrible. I'm only watching because I feel like I didn't get to see enough outfits on the red carpet.

I think I'm going to get some wine.

The Tribe Has Spoken: These TV Catchphrases Need To Be Fired

This guy (above) coaches men on how to pick up ladies. But do you know any women who would date a guy with a hat like that??



When Survivor began in 2000, it spawned a catchphrase that would become a part of pop-culture vernacular: “The Tribe Has Spoken.” And to be fair, it was a pretty good elimination line, considering the premise of the show.
Since that time, scores of competition-style reality shows have booted people off with lines that are lame, that beat around the bush, or that are just straight-up uncreative. Sure, most of these phrases are probably designed to leave the rejects with some dignity, but let’s face it: How much dignity do you really have if you sign up for shows like these?
The worst we’ve heard in a while – from VH1's Glam God – was our inspiration for this story. So, here are the shows with the worst elimination lines, and our suggestions for a replacement.

Glam God
Show premise: Twelve stylists compete for the title of ‘Glam God.’
Exit line: “Continue to reach for the stars, because you're not ready to style them.”
Proposed phrase: “Mr. Blackwell would be appalled.”

The Pick-Up Artist
The premise: A bunch of doofuses are coached on how to seduce women by a giant tool named Mystery.
Exit line: “Game over.”
Proposed phrase: “See you on Match.com.” Or, "Go fuck yourself."

Project Runway
The premise: Fashion designers compete for a cash prize and a chance to show a collection at Fashion Week.
Exit line: “You’re out.”
Proposed phrase(s): “You’re out – like a banana clip.” Or,“You’re out – like stirrup pants.”

America’s Next Top Model
The premise: Tall, skinny young lovelies compete for a modeling contract and magazine spread.
Exit line: “You are no longer in the running to become America’s Next Top Model.”
Proposed phrase: “Girl, you broke the camera! Now, please, go eat a sandwich.”

The Apprentice: Martha Stewart
The premise: A contest to get hired by the domestic diva.
Exit line: “You just don’t fit in.”
Proposed catchphrase: “You’ve singed your souffle.”

I Want To Work For Diddy
The premise: A contest to become Diddy’s personal assistant.
Exit line: “You’re not ready to work for Diddy.”
Proposed phrase: “You’ve been snuffed by Puff.”

Beauty and the Geek
The premise: Attractive women and nerdy guys live together in a mansion and pair up for competitions.
Exit line: “I have to ask you to leave the mansion.”
Proposed phrase: “Nobody watches this show, so your 15 minutes of pretend fame are up.”


Rock of Love
The premise: Skanks of all flavors compete to be Bret Michaels girlfriend, and follow him on tours to state fairs and high school proms.
Exit line: “Your tour ends here.”
Proposed phrase: “Now you’ll never have to see what’s underneath this wig.”

Shear Genius
The premise: Hair stylists enter a hair-cutting contest.
Exit line: “This was your final cut.”
Proposed phrase: “You make a mullet look stylish.”

I Love Money
Show premise: Former contestants from Rock of Love and Flavor of Love compete in various challenges to win $250,000.
Exit line: “Your check has been voided.”
Proposed phrase: “Get a real job.”

Reading books

I haven't done it in a while. Magazines, sure. But I haven't had the time or attention span for books lately. Probably because I can't stand to read a book over the course of a month ... or a week, even. When I read, I don't fuck around. I like to blaze through books in a day or two.

I've always been a really fast reader. But and if I let a book sit for two long in between reads, it's hard for me to go back to it. It's one of my quirks. Whatever.

So it was cool, during my week-long vacation, to devour some books as I listened to ocean waves crash up on shore. Relaxing!

Here's what I read:

"The Unauthorized Biography of Tom Cruise" by Andrew Morton: Wow. A super interesting read about a famous, controlling guy with a raging case of little man's syndrome. But the stuff about Cruise was overshadowed by all the inside information about Scientology, based on tons of research and interviews with high-up people who eventually left the cult. To each their own, I guess. But I can't believe people really believe in this stuff.

"Secrets of a Shoe Addict" by Beth Harbison: This book came to me in a press release at work. It was OK. A bunch of PTA moms who barely know each other go on a school trip to Las Vegas and get into some financial trouble. So they come home and earn money as phone sex operators and become friends. It had its charming moments and it was an easy read, but overall is was ... meh.

"Shopaholic and Baby" by Sophie Kinsella: My friend Pam sent me this book months ago, and as much as I love SK, I never got around to reading it. (I blame the dogs and the television for this.) In the book, shopaholic Becky Bloomwood is back, and this time she's having a baby. It's a really cute read, and when you read it, this phrase will forever crack you up: "She's a red-headed bitch and I hate her."

"My Sister's Keeper" by Jodi Picoult: An incredible work of fiction that is beautifully written and charming and touching and thought-provoking. A young girl who has spent her entire 13 years donating blood, bone marrow and other things to her sister, who has cancer, sues her parents for medical emancipation when they ask her to donate a kidney. It's a brilliant piece of work, and not as much of a tearjerker as it sounds like. The author's breezy writing propels you through.

So, any more suggestions?

Project Runway: Workin' for a living

Oh, college, how I miss you.

Who doesn't long for the good old days: When showing up to class with bedhead and a hangover could be considered a badge of honor. When boxer shorts and t-shirt from a fraternity party seemed like a completely acceptable outfit. When the thought of having a real job wasn’t quite on your radar yet.

But every college grad needs a reality check, and six of them got it last night on Project Runway. Designers had to create a makeover look for recent graduates, transforming them from jeans-and-wifebeater wearers to professional young ladies.

And in the end, the resulting designs take me back to some of my own past jobs...

Bus girl: Scraping people’s breakfast remnants off a plate and cleaning up the crap their kids dropped on the carpeted floor can be a pretty thankless job. But I’d rather do that than be caught dead in Suede’s revolting jacket and dress ensemble. He sucked all the fun out of a lively, Pucci-style print by pairing it with the ugliest jacket known to man.

Entertainment reporter: This is a fun job with a lot of variety, just like Korto’s leafy wrap dress, which she put underneath a textured khaki jacket with leather piping. It was interesting and lively, just like a conversation with the late George Carlin.

Hardware slinger: In high school, I worked at hardware store slinging nuts, bolts and what have you. Just as hammers and nails are basic things everyone should have in their tool box, a dress and jacket ensemble are good staples for a closet. Sadly, Leanne’s drab offerings generated about as much interest I had in this job... which is why I left when something better came along.

Secretary: In this job, I had to be friendly and personable. And as much as it pains me to say it (because let’s face it, Kenley is such a conceited asshat), this describes her vintage-inspired dress. It’s fairly fresh and cute and I’d wear it to greet just about anyone. However, not unlike a secretary’s duties, Kenley’s designs seem little bit repetitive each week. Is it just me, or is she a one-trick pony?

Famous novelist: OK, OK, I haven’t really had this job. (Yet.) But if I did and if my hips were smaller, I would totally wear Jerell’s high-waisted pencil skirt, slinky top and man-inspired cardigan to many a book-signing. It was the perfect look for his client’s body type... and it won him the challenge! His look and his college grad will appear in Elle magazine as a prize.

Clerk at a health club: During college, I worked at a fitness center, where I checked membership cards and signed out basketballs and racquetballs. But, I also had to do members’ laundry if they so desired. I’m sure you can imagine how totally awesome it was when a guy slapped his sweaty jockstrap, shorts and socks up on the counter after two hours on the basketball court.
It was just as awesome as Joe’s frumpy skirt suit, channeled straight from the 1980s, minus the shoulder pads.

The judges hated it, and Joe is the latest designer to bite the dust.

Project Runway: Hey, Ratbones! I'm home!

Right around 9:57 p.m., my dog, Archie – who was perched on the couch cushion behind my head – was in the middle of a righteous yawn when he belched out loud. Even he looked startled by it. And I don’t think the timing was a coincidence. It totally summed up how I felt about Wednesday night’s episode of Project Runway, which kind of made me wish I’d finished watching the second hour of America’s Next Top Model.

But since I didn’t, here’s the low-down:

Designers were charged with creating a look for Diana Von Furstenburg’s fall collection. DVF tells the contestants she was inspired by Marlene Dietrich in the 1943 film, “A Foreign Affair” – kind of a 1930s and 1940s spy/traveler/entertainer look. The winning design will be produced and sold exclusively to American Express cardholders (shameless plug alert!).

Kenley gets verklempt at the opportunity and starts sobbing. “I love Diane Von Furstenberg. I would be happy to win this one and that’s it.” Hey, there’s no crying in fashion! Oh, wait.

All the designers but Kenley decide to make multiple pieces, as DVF’s collection was composed of ensembles with multiple layers. Kenley decided on a dress.

In the workroom, Korto again channeled Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. Even when her words seemed to convey happiness, her tone was clinically depressed. Looking at her dress, she said “I love my colors” in the same way I’d say “Someone broke into my house and stole all my shoes.”

And after a having completely first-person speak week, Suede is back to Suede’s old tricks again. Maisy wants to thrust shishkabob skewers into her ears!

On to the runway!

Joe has been very pleased with himself this challenge, but it’s hard to see why. He draped a sparkly, hoodie-shawl thing over a hideous backless Asian-inspired top, and paired them with a lopsided belt and a skirt with an uneven hem.

Leanimal, the silent fashion assassin, had another successful week with a gorgeous, detailed violet gown underneath a short gray jacket.

Terri’s pants/fireworks blouse/mohair coat combo is good enough to qualify her for the next round.

Jerell combined bronze glittery fabric with black and cobalt blue to create a three piece look. But I was distracted by his model’s Boy Scout cap, which was similar to one Jerell wore a few weeks ago, sans all the gold, dangly crap hanging from it.

Korto actually cracks a smile when her cute, full-length printed dress and jacket ensemble come down the runway. This may be the first time we’ve seen her teeth all season.

Don’t even get me started on Blayne’s foolish pants. Are they gauchos? Are they knickers? Are they short MC Hammer pants? I can tell you one thing they are: So hideous that I can’t even remember the rest of his outfit.

Suede’s updated camo print dress – which made his skinny model look totally hippy – and herringbone vest got a thumbs-down from judges.

Stella turned in double-sided a halter vest and pants suit with puckered seams, and cape that judges likened to Dracula or a magician.

Kenley’s colorful dress was pretty and tailored, but seemed too simple in comparison to everyone else’s full-on ensembles.

Later, the judges gushed over Korto’s look, and not once did she look relieved or joyful. “Thank you.” (Sounded like: “My husband just left me.”) “Thank you again.” (“The bank just foreclosed on my house.”)

But for the second week in a row, Leanne was victorious.

In the end, Joe and Stella were in the bottom two. (Cue Archie belch here.) But all the abracadabra in the world couldn’t save Stella from her cape(r) gone wrong. Poof! She’s out.

Now, fair's fair. What happened on Top Model?

Top Model's Top 10 Hardest Challenges

No matter how predictable America's Next Top Model can be each season -- can Tyra Banks please stop those breathless utterings during elimination? -- producers and Banks still know how to inject some unpredictable life into the show. For instance, during the upcoming 11th season, er, cycle, we'll see our first transgender contestant, Isis Tsunami.

But the bulk of the surprise often comes in the form of crazy, unenviable challenges that will make you so grateful that you're sitting on your couch eating popcorn -- as a spectator. So in anticipation of the new installation of ANTM, which starts back up on Wednesday, here are my picks for the Top 10 most difficult challenges to date:

10. Sweaty, Smelly, Stunning?: If there are two times when people don't look their best, it's when they've been camping or after a strenuous workout. To my knowledge, Tyra doesn't do camping... but she did have models race up 14 flights of stairs in season three, and then immediately participate in an impromptu photo shoot. Sadly, none of them had enough energy left to kick Tyra's ass.

9. Stilt-walk: In a challenge that seemed better suited for exotic dancers, models in season six had to practice their balance by strutting around in 10-inch platform heels. I remember covering my eyes and drawing in a sharp breath as a few models' ankles bent into 90 degree ankles before my eyes. Not surprisingly, injuries ensued.

8. Freak Show: I know how awesome I always feel when I have a blemish or a bad hair day. So being charged with looking attractive as a circus freak (think Bearded Lady, Elephant Woman, Cannibal) was a seemingly impossible task. Truly, some looked less ugly than others, but the results were hard to look at.

7. Laser Precision: In a cycle eight Mission: Impossible-like challenge, the girls had to manuever through a maze of laser beams, striking lovely poses amongst their attempts at graceful contortion. It required flexibility and a real awareness of one's body, both of which are more easily achieved after a few glasses of wine – which, of course, the girls did not get.

6. Ice Bath: In season seven, models posed as nymphs while immersed in ice-cold water. And unlike the average person, they hadn't a shred of body fat for insulation. And I don't care how cute you are, it's hard to look gorgeous when your teeth are chattering.

5. Death Becomes Her: In one of ANTM's eeriest challenges, models in cycle four had to pose as one of the seven deadly sins. In a casket. Which was lowered into a six-foot hole with a crane. Shudder.

4. Creepy Crawlies: Models put on a brave face in cycle three when they were forced to pose for photographs holding a cute, furry, live .... tarantula. This thing was trotting all over the model's faces and heads. To quote Whitney Houston: Hell. To. The. No.

3. Creepy Crawlies, Roach Clip Edition: If you think tarantulas are icky, at least they don't make noise. In season six, models walked the runway while holding and/or wearing enormous Madagascar hissing cockroaches, which had been bedazzled with rhinestones and turned into living brooches. I actually felt sorry for the models and the roaches.

2. Aural Assault: Models in cycle nine had to impress judges by dancing in an Enrique Iglesias video. First, it was a long, grueling day. Second, they were wearing high heels and skimpy outfits. Third, they had to listen an Enrique Iglesias song on a loop all day long. (Honorable mention: In season two, girls were forced to dance in Tyra Banks' lame music video for "Shake Ya Body.")

1. Dead Meat: Tyra takes the models to the meat packing district, where they are forced to pose amongst animal carcasses while wearing halter tops and/or underwear made of meat. First of all, can you imagine how heavy and awkward it is to wear a pair of steak panties? Second, how unsanitary!