DVDs are going to save someone's life

... and they will probably prevent me from going to jail.

We go to the movies about once a year. Since I work days and Kyle usually works nights (and until recently, weekends), it just doesn't work into the schedule.

But last night -- Friday -- we decided to go see "Shutter." Our new house is about a five-minute walk to the theater, so perhaps this would be the start of a more frequent moviegoing era for us.

We got there early to snag some decent seats. When we opened the door to our screen, it was already as loud as a sports bar during a Final Four game. Scraggly-haired teenage boys were wrestling each other and hanging over the side of the seating area above our heads. Girls were screeching and pointing and giggling at the boys. They were all changing seats every 2 minutes, making and receving phone calls and text messages, and they all seemed to know each other.

We were the ONLY people in there over the age of 19. It was so annoying, we were considering leaving before the movie even started. One preview was for "Prom Night," and even though I couldn't hear it, I saw teenagers getting stalked and killed on screen and said to Kyle, "I wish that movie would happen in here right now."

Long story short, the theater employees came and gave some wooden speech about being quiet, turning off cell phones, etc. And they actually stationed a police officer in our theater. Still, phones were ringing during the movie, kids were yelling and screaming out jokes and commentary.

The cop was on top of things, but it's not like he could arrest them for being assholes. If that were the case, he'd have needed 15 paddy wagons to transport every last one of them.

Mowgli from "The Jungle Book" -- who you may remember was raised by wild animals -- was more put together than these kids.

For three years, I was an editor for 30 teenagers who wrote for our teen section at a newspaper in Washington. They were fabulous, smart, funny kids. I'm sure they all got wild from time to time... hell, I did at that age, too. But I can't imagine any of them being this out of control. And to be fair, there were a handful of well-behaved teens last night who seemed just as irritated as us. Somehow, though, 20 normal people can't compete with 300 ill-behaved monsters.

I've always said going to Wal-Mart was the best birth control. Because no matter what time of day (or night) it is, there are always families who let their 15 kids run wild all over the store instead of trying to make them act like civilized human beings. And that makes me want to pile on 47 condoms every time I have sex. But the movie theater on a Friday night came pretty close.

In fact, these little asshats from last night have all probably screamed through the aisle of Wal-Mart, knocking shit off the shelves and destroying everything in their paths like mini-tornados.

Which is why, from now on, I am perfectly content to wait for movies to hit DVD. We have a 47" HDTV, comfortable sofas and tickets aren't $9.25 each.