Thank God for TV news

Summary haiku:
Thank you, TV news.
For without you, I'd never
be so well informed.




All day today, a local TV news station has been airing teasers for one of its big stories for the day: "Do you know where your clothes go once you dump them into the donation box? We investigate!"

So I'm thinking, Oh my God! Are my too-small tops from Express funding terrorists? Are my faded INC jeans being used to strangle puppies? Is someone using my out-of-date Nine West heels to bludgeon grannies as they tend to their shrubbery?

You know what I found out? The company, U'SAgain, which claims on its boxes in bold print to recycle textiles for various uses actually -- drum roll, please -- recycles the textiles for various uses!!!!! Can you fucking believe it?

This enlightening revelation required a two-minute story (an eternity in TV time) and even warranted a live shot conducted from the deserted parking lot in which one of the boxes is located.

The intrepid reporter spoke to a guy from the Salvation Army to find out if these boxes were lessening the amount of donations they were receiving. His answer: No, not at all.

So to recap: The company does exactly what it claims to, and local non-profits aren't losing donations because of it.

Never in a million years did I expect to think, "I'm missing 'The Real World' for this?" while watching the news.

But I stand corrected. And that's what I get for being too lazy to retrieve the remote from the chair across the room.

The Onion makes me cry ... from laughing.

SUMMARY HAIKU:
No words can really
do The Onion justice. I
strive to write that well.


It's hard to say how I got sidetracked from visiting The Onion's website.

But suddenly, I returned to the fictional news website week and I'm hooked again. It helps take the edge off work stress and real-life depressing news. But the real draw is the sharp wit with which every story and column are written.

Take this commentary on fashion: This Gap Sweater is Fucking Awesome

Or this story: Future of Genteel Town In Jeopardy After Doily Factory Goes Out of Business

And of course, the always-entertaining columns by Herbert Kornfield, the gangsta accounts receivable supervisor at Midstate Office Supply, who hooked me 10 years ago with his column, Keep Your Fucking Shit Off My Desk.

Man, I love the Onion.