Five Questions

1. Is it warped to wish herpes or explosive diarrhea upon people who piss you off if you immediately feel guilty about having the thought?

2. When the HGTV people redo a kitchen in a half-hour show, why do I think I can do the same thing with the same results?

3. Do you think that '24' has the smallest wardrobe allowance of any other television show? Those people wear the same clothes in every episode. (A whole season is only a day long, after all.)

4. Who are bigger assholes: People who always wear sunglasses inside and at night? Or folks who feel the need to throw a peace sign (or some other hand signal) in every, single photograph?

5. Am I shallow for believing that my mood will improve 200 percent at 9:30 a.m. Saturday, when I am getting a much-needed haircut and color? I feel raggedy.

Congratulations, you're not blind!

Summary haiku:
My sunburn may as
well be a celebrity.
Quit staring at it!


Yesterday, I went to lunch with a friend. We ate outside. I ended up with a raging sunburn on one of my shoulders, where my scoop neck shirt didn't quite cover.

It hurts. Really, really bad (especially when my seatbelt rubs against it). But not as bad as people who think they're so clever as to comment on the obvious. "Hey! Do you know you've got a sunburn?"

Hey! Fuck you!

People lecture you on the obvious. "The sun's not good for your skin." "Wow, that's gonna be painful for a couple of days." "Geez, one shoulder? You look all lopsided."

Like I meant for it to happen. Now everyone is pointing and staring as though I have a fucking lilac bush growing out of my shoulder.

Even a little old man at the gym! He said, "Is that a sunburn? I almost didn't want to ask you because it's such an intense red, I thought it might be a birthmark." Sheesh!

Gotta go get some aloe.

Sorry, muscles. Better luck next time.

SUMMARY HAIKU:

Dog walks don't do shit
for muscle tone. Back to gym.
Arms and abs on fire.


Here's how Kyle described his pain after using my favorite (and simultaneously least favorite) abdominal machine at the Y for the first time: "I feel like someone just ripped my guts out."

Precisely. This is why I have such a love/hate relationship with the thing.

After about four months of ignoring the gym, I finally made my way back there this week. Once Lucy and Archie arrived on the scene, I was (and am) walking them every day. Briskly. Often twice. But I stopped working out at the Y because it was hard to work it in -- and hey, I was still exercising, right? Eh, not really.

I haven't gained any weight in that time, but my muscle tone and definition started to wither. So I made my first foray back there on Monday and did 45 minutes of cardio. Then I weight trained my arms, legs, abs and back -- all in one day.

What a dumbass.

Of course, I soon felt like I got hit by a truck. Yesterday, I could barely even straighten my legs out because my hamstrings felt as though someone had shortened them by about 8 inches each. Every time I stretched backwards, my abs screamed out like an 8-pound dog when someone rings the doorbell. And let's not even talk about my arms, which I wanted to cut off with a butcher knife but couldn't muster the strength to grip a blade.

Today was better, and I'm going back tomorrow. And at least four days a week from here on out. I hate, hate, hate it. But I've got to do it.

Some people try to motivate with the old cliche, "No pain, no gain." But I think that shit only works on meatheads who enjoy committing to fitness. I'm just doing this to look a little better in my jeans and continue eating at the Shalimar Indian buffet from time to time.

Thank you, Queen Latifah

A SUMMARY HAIKU:
Enhancing your good
points never killed anyone.
Plus, eyeshadow rules.



So, as I mentioned below, I've spend about a decade trying to find my perfect, inexpensive mascara. Mascara and lip gloss -- don't leave home without 'em.

For the record, Lancome Defincils is, in my opinion, the best mascara. It's also $23. In an effort to be more fiscally responsible, I've been trying to hoard my beauty slush fund dollars for hair cuts and coloring, and cut back in other places.

Beauty mags always rave about Maybelline Great Lash, which was, until last week, what I used. But I was always looking to break up with it, because it gets clumpy sometimes, it dries out quickly and I always want a new tube every 3 weeks.

Then I see the lovely Queen Latifah on that Cover Girl commercial and her eyelashes look awesome! And for some reason, I trust the Queen, even though I know she's a paid spokesperson. Anyway, long story short: The LashExact she's hawking? It's really good.

It really does separate and thicken. And it's not all gloppy and gross. The applicator brush really is magical, like Hermione Granger conjured it up at Hogwarts. Plus, it comes in a really pretty purple tube. I think I may have found my soulmate!

I've spent a whole lot of money finding the best products over the years. Here are some other things I highly recommend.

BRONZER: Hoola by Benefit ($28). Use a light dusting or a lot. In certain spots or all over. It looks like you spent an afternoon in the sun, and it doesn't have all those annoying sparkly things that make you look like a disco ball in the sunlight. Lightweight, too, so no pore clogging. Bonus: Benefit is totally generous with samples, so whenever you buy something, you walk away with a whole bunch of free shit.

(Problem is, the samples are all so good that you always want to go back and buy them, too.)

EYESHADOW: Expensive: Lancome or MAC. Cheap: Loreal HIP. All have millions lovely hues that stay put all day long. Get some real brushes, because sponge applicators don't really work for shit.

LIP GLOSS: For color, Lipglass by MAC. For clear shine, C.O. Bigelow Ultra Mentha Lip Shine, which you can get at Bath and Body Works. I recently discovered it, and I'll never use another clear gloss again.

HAIR PRODUCTS: Oh God, there are so many great ones. Rusk Blofoam mousse. Aveda volumizing tonic and control granules. Pantene spray wax (for texturzing your ends) works awesome and is 1/4 of the price of the stuff I used to buy. Matrix sleek.look protectant spray, which will keep your hair from turning into a hay bale if you regularly use a flat iron. I go back and forth on hair spray because I don't really use it much. Pantene works fine for me.

HERE'S WHAT I'M STILL LOOKING FOR: The best face moisturizer, and the best body lotion. Any suggestions?