Slangin' words

New blog

2010-07-22T09:18:00.004-04:00

I decided to start a new blog... sort of a fresh start after moving and becoming a stay-at-home mom.

I intended to write about a lot of parenting stuff, but I'm finding that I don't have a lot of time for that. It's mostly my TV stories from Film.com. But I'm going to try and get better about updating. Better than I was here, for sure. :) I found that Tumblr was easier to use, even from my cell phone.

Sorry, Blogger.com.

xo

Go here for a great time!

http://wondermom.tumblr.com

Farewell, Drs. McNamara and Troy

2010-02-28T20:52:00.003-05:00

Over seven seasons, Nip/Tuck has given basic cable TV a serious facelift, introducing viewers to some of the most creative, bizarre, edgy television not on HBO or Showtime.

With their personal and professional transgressions, plastic surgeons Sean McNamara (Dylan Walsh) and Christian Troy (Julian McMahon) have wreaked havoc on Miami and L.A. They've bedded women, compromised personal ethics, screwed up their families and pretty much alienated themselves from just about everyone else along the way. Compelling television, for sure.

So when Nip/Tuck stitches things up for good on March 3 in the series finale, we'll be sorry to see it go. While it's impossible to revisit every event that made us salivate for new seasons, certain scenes are etched in our memories forever -- and many of them have to do with the strange procedures their clients requested over the years.

We'd like to bid them farewell by recounting their top 10 most bizarre surgeries. Thanks for the memories, guys.

BARBIE BOOBS: In a recent episode, a couple -- who claimed they were perfectly happy in a sexless relationship -- were on a journey becoming human replicas of Barbie and Ken. In order for the woman to more accurately resemble a naked Barbie, they asked Sean and Christian to completely remove her nipples. Once she'd completed the surgery, "Ken" realized he was gay, dumped her, and hooked up with a G.I. Joe lookalike.

BUTT FACE: After a drunken fraternity prank went wrong, Sean and Christina were summoned to a frat house because the prospective patients couldn't be transported. Two guys' faces had been glued to another dude's butt cheeks. In order to separate the trio, the docs had to remove pieces of the kid's posterior and later did skin grafts to reconstruct his ass.

FOSSIL FETUS: After losing a bunch of weight, a woman who played Mrs. Claus at the mall went in for a last bit of lipo, to complete her new, healthful image for Santa's Village. While in surgery, the doctors found, and removed, a calcified fetus. The married patient had never known she was pregnant, but believed the fetus to be a product of an affair she had 17 years prior. Ho, ho, ho!

CALCULATING CORPSE: Mrs. Grubman, a plastic surgery-addicted recurring character, had been turned away by the Christian in the past after having too many procedures. But when she was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer, she requested one last favor: Post-mortem plastic surgery, in order to look divine at her funeral.

BREAST IN PEACE: For a French patient, merely cherishing the memory of her deceased husband wasn't adequate. So, she visited McNamara/Troy to have her late husband's ashes injected into her saline breast implants. It was later revealed that she was actually his mistress, and had stolen his ashes from his wife. Creep-o-rama!

BABY GOT BACK: In one of the most ridiculous episodes, Jennifer Coolidge guest starred as a patient who had recently discovered she had some African-American heritage. Naturally, she decided to start a rap career, but not without butt implants, which she felt would more adequately reflect her newly-discovered background.

YOGA POSE: An extremely flexible and well-endowed yoga instructor discovered her could give himself fellatio, and became so addicted to it, he found it impossible to leave the house or do anything else. So, he visited McNamara/Troy to have his penis shortened.

HONEYMOON BUFFET: After getting stuck in a snowstorm for ten days during her honeymoon, a hypoglycemic woman began hallucinating. Her husband helped her snap out of it by cutting out pieces of his arm, heating them up with cigarette lighter and feeding them to her. She was disgusted by the incident, so she asked Sean and Christian to fix her husband's scars. But hubby got an infection after the surgery, and the docs were stumped as to why. Come to find out that the wife sliced out parts of her own forearm, and fed them to her beloved in order to return the favor.

I ONLY HAVE EYES FOR YOU: A man wanted to propose to his Japanese girlfriend, but first needed to make a change to impress her xenophobic parents. So, he requested surgery to make his eyes look Japanese. In the end, her parents didn't buy it, but were so impressed with his dedication to their daughter, they gave the union their blessing.

STRANDED ON DEATH ROW: Prison officials asked Sean and Christian to give an obese death-row prisoner liposuction because he was too fat to be properly executed. The docs were totally opposed to it, until they were promised that their son, Matt (Christian is the bio dad, but Sean raised him), who was in prison for armed robbery, would be released. Before the surgery, Matt found out that the obese man was actually innocent, but let the events play out in order to be released.

Winter Vs. Summer Olympics

2010-02-24T20:04:00.004-05:00

It's easy to feel lazy while perched on the couch, watching the Winter Olympics. It's about 25 degrees here in New England, so even going outside to dump the trash seems like an immense undertaking.

Meanwhile, these Olympic athletes have to one-up me by going outside in the snow and actually doing stuff, like winning athletic medals for their countries. Sheesh, what show-offs!

Seriously, though, even if it weren't frigid out, I'd be hard-pressed to separate myself from the Olympics. I'm ... addicted, you see. The further I get from my youth, the more impressive each installment of the Olympics becomes.
But what if winter and summer had to compete against each other for overall supremacy? Well, now they do. I scored each category with medals.

STAR POWER
The winter games have a few names that the Average Joe has probably heard: Shaun White (1 gold) and Apolo Ohno (2 gold, 1 silver, 2 bronze).
But nothing can compare to the celebrity of the summer games, which includes super-swimmer Michael Phelps (6 gold, 2 bronze); tennis queens Venus (3 gold) and Serena (2 gold) Williams and the country's best NBA players, Kobe Bryant, Lebron James and Dwyane Wade (3 gold).
Summer reigns supreme here.
Winter medal count: 3 gold, 1 silver, 2 bronze; 6 total
Summer medal count: 14 gold, 2 bronze; 16 total

SPORTS
Don't get me wrong: The summer games require a great deal of athletic prowess.
But most of the sports (running, table tennis, swimming, basketball, volleyball, etc.) are things any regular person can do at their local gym. True, summer Olympians can do things faster and better than a normal folks (1 gold, 1 silver, 1 bronze). But the sports themselves can be performed by laymen without undergoing rigorous training.
Not true with most of the winter Olympic sports. Based on blistering speeds (luge, skeleton), towering heights (snowboarding half pipe) or a combination of the two (freestyle skiing), many of the winter sports can result in life-threatening injuries, or death, if even the tiniest error takes place. (Rest in peace, Nodar Kumaritashvili.)
Winter athletes not only have skills, they have colossal cajones, willing to risk their lives for sport (15 gold medals). Disagree? Then go slide 90 miles per hour on a skeleton next week and report back to me.
Winter: 18 gold, 1 silver, 2 bronze; 21 total
Summer: 15 gold, 1 silver, 3 bronze; 19 total

CONVENIENCE
Let's be honest: When it's gray, depressing and freezing outside, the Olympics are a fantastic distraction. There are certainly ways to chip away at two weeks of winter (1 gold, 1 silver).
When the summer games are on, however, there's so much else to do. Instead of watching people play volleyball, tennis, basketball or badminton, for instance, you can go play them yourself.
Admit it: The only times you watch the summer games are on your computer at work, and before bed at night (1 bronze). Anything else that's worth seeing will be on sports highlights.
Winter: 19 gold, 2 silver, 2 bronze; 23 total
Summer: 12 gold, 4 silver, 4 bronze; 20 total

INTENSITY
Because so many winter events are solo missions, the summer games boast a stronger intensity. From the incessant, serious grunting of the tennis players (2 gold), to the blink-and-you'll-miss-em short sprints (3 silver) to action-packed basketball games (1 gold, 1 silver), head-to-head competitions are usually more dramatic and offer instant gratification!
Winter has a few such sports, including speed skating (1 gold), snowboarding cross (1 silver) and cross-country skiing (1 bronze). But in every other event, the athletes sit and watch their competitors instead of going against them simultaneously.
Winter: 20 gold, 3 silver, 3 bronze; 26 total
Summer: 15 gold, 8 silver, 4 bronze; 27 total

EXHILARATION
What the winter games might lack in head-to-head contests, they more than make up for in the wow-factor.
Tell us you haven't drawn in a sharp, nervous breath watching a snowboarder soar above the crowd during the halfpipe (2 gold); an athlete careen through an icy track face first during the skeleton (1 gold, 1 silver, 1 bronze); or a skier taking a huge tumble, bouncing off moguls (3 bronze).
Watching the winter games is exhilarating because the sports are often daring, and there's a very real chance the athlete won't be able to complete their task without a brutal spill.
Meanwhile, during summer, there's usually no doubt whether the athletes will finish rowing or swimming... it's just a matter of how fast they can do it (1 silver).
Aaaaand, it's winter for the win!
Winter: 23 gold, 4 silver, 7 bronze; 34 total
Summer: 15 gold, 9 silver, 4 bronze; 28 total

Bottom line: We love us some summer games, too. But the winter games are riskier, more unpredictable and rich with events/tricks that the average person can't even fathom doing. Winter doesn't start with W-I-N for nothin'.

Happy Valentine's Day, TV

2010-02-13T20:13:00.002-05:00

If my television set had feelings, it would probably be upset that I wasn't buying it anything for Valentine's Day. After all, we do spend an awful lot of time together. Even when I'm cleaning or making dinner or writing, my Samsung is usually on in the background, keeping me company.

No, it will not receive any See's Candies or romantic candlelight dinner, but it will get something special. It's the least I can do.

Here, I will honor the many television shows that make my life whole -- and also the ones that make me question my viewing habits. Oh, TV, how to do I love thee? Let me count the ways ... in lines of five, seven and five syllables.

Short and sweet, these haiku pay tribute to some of the best (and worst) programs on the tube.

THE BACHELOR
Amazing journey
forges bonds. But Twinkies have
a longer shelf life.

DANCING WITH THE STARS
They could dance with dolls
for all we care. We just watch
for the rad outfits.

HOARDERS
Mounds of stuff and filth.
Sometimes, dead, skeletal cats.
"I'm a collector!"

CHEATERS
Blurry body parts
Caught in compromising acts
Punches will be thrown

THE TYRA BANKS SHOW
Thank you, Tyra,
for showing us women born
with two vaginas.

THE BAD GIRLS CLUB
Each season's cast could
be plucked straight from the stages
of Jerry Springer.

JERSEY SHORE
Orange skin and hair gel
Bad clothes, fist pumps and Snickers!
Gym, tanning, laundry.

CHELSEA LATELY
A witty talk show
for a generation of
total smart-asses.

TODDLERS & TIARAS
Overweight stage moms
Dress their daughters like hookers
Next stop is Teen Mom

TEEN MOM
That's all these teens need:
Cameras rolling while they
make bad decisions.

WEEDS
Nancy Botwin makes
Teen Moms look like June Cleaver.
Plus, Andy is hot.

FAMILY FEUD
"Name a famous town."
"Europe!" (Pause) "Good, answer, Bob!"
They are bad liars.

DEXTER
Severed body parts
dropped in Atlantic Ocean
Dexter's sea graveyard

THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS
For God's sake, Sharon!
Is there anyone in town
You haven't slept with?

CALIFORNICATION
Hank Moody should meet
Sharon from Y&R, then
stock up on condoms.

24
Saving the free world
Without food or bathroom breaks
I am Jack Bauer

I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS PREGNANT
Pregnancy is like
Getting your ass kicked from within.
You had NO idea?

SURVIVOR
To me, camping is
Staying at a nice hotel.
'Survivors' are NUTS!

TRUE BLOOD
Forget the vampires.
We most enjoy the parts with
Lafayette. He rules.

MAN VS. FOOD
Host Adam Richman
went to Yale, now power eats
16-egg omelettes.

VAMPIRE DIARIES
If you can't stomach
the gore on True Blood, this
is like vampire-lite.

BIG LOVE
These Polygamists
Have more buried skeletons
Than wives and children

NURSE JACKIE
I'd also need pills,
If I had to hump Eddie.
It's catch 22.

JUDGE MATHIS
Today on Judge Mathis:
Exotic stripper showdown!
"She had no pole skills!"

MODERN FAMILY
I'm not sure who is
funnier: Clueless dad Phil,
or Lily's two dads.

COUGAR TOWN
If all cougars looked
like Courteney Cox, more dudes would
be dating elders.

YO GABBA GABBA!
My favorite songs:
'There's a party in my tummy'
Also, 'I like bugs'

REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY
Rhinestone halter tops
are the chosen attire
for cooking dinner.

WHAT NOT TO WEAR
Stacy and Clinton
are sometimes cruel but they are
usually right.

TV: Super Bowl Showdown

2010-02-01T20:31:00.002-05:00

All week long, we've been bombarded with expert predictions about the upcoming Super Bowl based on statistics, past game performances, key players and the like. But the truth is, nobody really knows what's going to happen -- it just has to play out.

That's why it can't hurt to foretell the game results using several random categories. But for this edition, we'll tally the categories using football scoring, with our guess for the final game score at the bottom. You heard it here first!

QUARTER ONE: UNIFORMS
The Colts have one thing going for them: You can't say anything bad about blue, for it's the color of most denim (+7). White isn't always flattering, and it gets dirty easily, but the lucky horseshoe symbols on the Colts' helmets help make up for that.
Lucky for the Saints, you can never go wrong wearing black, which is the consummate color of both chic-ness and bad-assery (+7). Throw in a little metallic gold (+3), and a classy fleur-de-lis symbol, and you have yourself a uniform both men and women can appreciate.
COLTS: 7
SAINTS: 10

QUARTER TWO: MASCOTS
Technically, a saint is a religious figure, which doesn't really impose much of a threat on a football field. As far as we know, there is no St. Ray Lewis.
Meantime, New Orleans' sideline mascots include Gumbo the Dog (a Saint Bernard in a football uniform) and Sir Saint, who looks like Snidley Whiplash in eyeliner and a football uni. Meh.
However, a baby horse isn't really that menacing either -- especially Indy's goofy, furry, smiling colt mascot that looks like a character from Sesame Street. While horses are known athletes (+3), they are also gentle, loving creatures that would rather graze in a field than sack a quarterback.
So for intimidation, we'll have to go with the Saints. Gumbo is a tad soft, but Sir Saint looks devious and ready for a battle (scores +6 for the touchdown, but misses the extra point because of the eyeliner).
COLTS: 10
SAINTS: 16

QUARTER THREE: COOLEST CITY
Sure, the Indy 500 is one of the best-known sporting events in the country (+3). But other than that, Indianapolis isn't a Mecca of much else.
New Orleans has the week-long party known as Mardi Gras (+7). On top of that, the city is known for jazz music, Cajun and Creole food, surviving Hurricane Katrina and its famous French Quarter here (+7). So, pretty much no contest on this one.
COLTS: 13
SAINTS: 30

QUARTER FOUR: SUPER SNACKS
Besides the usual fare of beer, pizza and chips, no Super Bowl party is complete without team-themed snacks.
New Orleans presents a plethora of lip-smacking options, including gumbo, beignets, King Cake and Hurricane cocktails (+10, seven for the snacks, three for the super-strong drink).
Indianapolis? After Googling, we discovered its traditional foods include pork tenderloin sandwiches and -- wait for it! -- corn. Sounds more like State Fair snacks than Super Bowl party dishes, but we'll throw a +2 their way because you need some kind of sustenance to soak up the alcohol on Super Bowl Sunday.
New Orleans wins this quarter, hands down.
COLTS: 15
SAINTS: 40

Bottom line: Sorry folks, this one's a blowout. When it comes to the preceding categories, there's no reason to even play the game on Sunday. The Saints are marching into first place!

TV Throwdown: Kim Kardashian Vs. Her Sisters

2009-06-18T19:36:00.004-04:00

Knockout siblings Kim, Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian have a knack for making family relations look easy. Fun, even.
Sure, they've had a few blowouts on their reality series, Keeping Up With Kardashians. But for the most part, they make this only child wish I had a sis.
However, now that Kourtney and Khloe are branching out with their own upcoming reality show, Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami, is it possible for the sisterly support continue? Or will the claws of competition come out, leaving Kim as an afterthought as her sisters assume center stage?
Well, here, for the moment, they'll spar in a TV Throwdown. After all, a little sibling rivalry never killed anyone.

BOYFRIENDS
Khloe ended her seven-month relationship with Minnesota Timberwolf, Rashad McCants, earlier this year.
Allegedly tired of her man's flirtatious and hard-partying ways, Kourtney also dumped fiance Scott Disick in 2009.
Meanwhile, Kim and Reggie Bush have been going strong for more than a year, and by many reports, are a happy, healthy, normal celebrity couple. Now, how often do you hear something like that?
Score one for Kim.
Kim: 1
Sisters: 0

JOBS
Kim's job essentially involves modeling, making public appearances and filming her TV show. Khloe and Kourtney do sometimes work for a living in their store, Dash, although it's not usually a major plot point in Keeping Up with the Kardashians.
So it will be nice to see Khloe and Kourtney forge out on their own and open a new Dash store in Miami, which is the basic gist of the new show.
But for now, Kim's primary gig of getting paid to model, travel and party seems like a more glamorous life than selling dresses and keeping books.
Kim: 2
Sisters: 0

INTERNET PRESENCE
All three sisters have their own websites, and use Twitter frequently. Kim's pictures are definitely the sexiest, but her blog and Twitter entries are all pretty self-serving.
Kourtney's updates are few and far between and most of them are ho-hum at best.
Khloe's installations are, by far, the funniest (she posted pictures of her mom, Kris, after she passed out and the sisters decorated her face with black eyeliner), the most interactive ("If you opened a candy store, which 5 candies would you have stocked at all times?") and frank (she admitted her profile pic is the mug shot from her DUI charges and that she thinks it's a flattering photo). So Khloe can easily carry Kourtney in this round.
Kim: 2
Sisters: 1

OTHER TV SHOWS
We had high hopes that Kim and her magical booty would rock Dancing With the Stars. Instead, her shyness and lack of skills sent her packing within the first few weeks.
Khloe fared a little better during her stint on Celebrity Apprentice, until Donald Trump fired her upon finding out about her two-year-old DUI. (Way to research your cast, Donald. Khloe has been dealing with the consequences of this DUI on Kardashians for months.)
Anyway, Kim was rightfully let go from DWTS. Khloe, on the other hand, got the shaft. Clint Black was, by far, the biggest disappointment during that episode of Celebrity Apprentice. Considering her unfair departure from the Apprentice, we feel Khloe is the bigger success story here.
Score one for the sisters.
Kim: 2
Sisters: 2

ENDORSEMENTS
We should soon be seeing Kim in all kinds of sexy Pepsi Max ads, a selection of which have been previewed on her personal blog and on various gossip websites. She's also been Twittering about her participation in the Nivea "Goodbye Cellulite, Hello Bikini Challenge."
Khloe's recent nude ads for PETA were definitely hot to trot, and we appreciate her dedication to animals. But many folks see PETA's over-the-top demonstrations a little bit hard to stomach.
So when it comes to user-friendly endorsements, Kim made the smarter choices. Lotion and soda don't really tend to ruffle many feathers.
Kim: 3
Sisters: 2

Bottom line: For now, Kim still has the upper hand here, but just barely. Khloe and Kourtney will definitely get their chance to shine when their new show airs -- and we're looking forward to seeing how they fare when they're out of their more famous sister's shadow. Kourtney seems to be woefully behind the scenes in comparison to the other two, so we're especially looking forward to seeing her come out of her shell a bit.

Pardon the absenteeism....

2009-06-11T19:38:00.004-04:00

This blog has been temporarily been interrupted by the extreme fatigue and dizziness caused by the final weeks of pregnancy.

But here are a few things that are on my mind. Because I know you care.

1. I've been increasingly nervous about becoming a capable mother. Then I found out that Kendra Wilkinson of The Girls Next Door fame is pregnant.
She announced the news a few days after the premiere of her new reality show, Kendra, during which she installed a stripper pole in her new house before even thinking about getting furniture or groceries.
When she finally did hit the grocery store, she exclaimed, "I love Rice-a-Roni, but I had no idea it was Mexican food!"
Suddenly, I feel slightly better about my own situation.

2. I went to a labor and delivery class at the hospital last week, which is designed to be educational and make people feel prepared. It scared the shit out of me.

3. I know soap operas are ridiculous, but there are two knocked up women on The Young & The Restless right now, and both of them claim that they can already feel their babies kicking when they're, like, two months along. Give me a fucking break.

4. Why, why, WHY am I watching I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here!???? Perhaps to see Janice Dickinson pee in the campsite and steal other people's food? Or is it to see Stephen Baldwin's awesome (read: worst I've ever seen) tattoos?
I mean, American Idol castoff Sanjaya Malakar is by far the most likeable person on the show. I'd rather have him and fellow contestant John Salley live in my guest room for a month than share a one-hour meal with any of these other assholes.

5. I am going to have fondue next week with my friend Javacia and I can't wait. I love her, and I love dipping things into melty goodness.

That is all.

Top 10 Reality Show Meltdowns

2009-06-08T23:03:00.000-04:00

Don't lie: You don't watch reality TV to see how much cream cheese your favorite cast member puts on her bagel every morning. You watch to see juicy drama unfold. And when you finally witness some kind of meltdown, it somehow makes all the invested TV time seem a little bit more valid. (Right? Or is that just me?)

Here, I salute 10 of my favorite reality show meltdowns.

10. Michael cries for Mommy
One of the most memorable reality-show exits came courtesy of HGTV's Design Star contestant Michael Stribling, who was full of smart-assery and venom during the competitions. But when he was eliminated, he melted like a Popsicle in a microwave. "This is not the end of me. I have a lot to offer." His face reddened and the tears started flowing. "I just didn't want to disappoint my mom. I want my mom right now. I want my mom."

9. Kesan's slow burn
Getting into arguments over the one house telephone is a common instigator on reality shows. But once Kesan and Creepa's phone fight ended on From G's to Gents, Kesan couldn't let it go. While the rest of the house slept, he stayed awake all night, slowly stewing into an hours-long, sleep-deprived meltdown. "I want revenge," he said. "At this point, everyone is a target and they better watch their backs." By the next day, he was evilly caressing an ink pen and telling housemates, "Next person who say something to me, I'ma try and kill ‘em."
Nobody needed a Bic to the eyeball; the G's snitched on him and home he went.

8. Kim Kardashian abandons her fam
In a days-long tantrum that spanned two episodes of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, Kim finally reached her breaking point while on a family ski trip to Colorado. She and her sisters had been arguing over her purchase of a Bentley and Kim had already swung a giant, full leather satchel at Khloe's head. Once in Colorado, Kim ignored the family in favor of her Blackberry. Kris threw Kim's PDA on the carpet, so Kim found the entire family's phone and started hurling them from the balcony. Then she walked out into the snowy wonderland – wearing heels, if my memory proves correct, and pulling her rolling suitcase behind her – to go back home.

7. Sharon Osbourne douses Megan
Megan Hauserman has made a career of backstabbing people on reality shows, and she definitely rubbed Charm School headmistress/mentor Sharon Osbourne the wrong way. But all hell broke loose at the reunion finale, when a drunken, bikini-clad Megan was full of high-pitched screeches and interruptions. Finally, Sharon calmly told Megan that she should be spayed. Then Megan implied the only reason Sharon was famous was for marrying Ozzy. And Sharon got up, cleared her throat and threw a glass of water all over Megan.
Needless to say, Ricki Lake has replaced Sharon as Charm School leader.

6. Joan and Melissa Rivers: Consummate Professionals
Somehow, the Rivers' missed the whole concept of Celebrity Apprentice: It's a game show where people get kicked off week by week. Upon elimination, Melissa was the sorest loser out there. Instead of leaving with dignity, she deemed her fellow competitors – among other bleeped-out things – "whore pit vipers." Mom Joan got in on the name-calling, too, showing where Melissa learned her sportsmanship skills.

5. Tyra blows a gasket
On America's Next Top Model, Tyra Banks' normal personality is that of a mentor, albeit a goofy one, who guides her potential protegees with a firm but gentle hand. But when season four contestant Tiffany displayed a bad attitude and complete indifference, you could visibly see the horns rise from the back of Tyra's head as she exploded in anger, screaming at Tiffany to "SHUT UP!" before reading her the riot act.

4. Bad Girls Beat Down
It's hard to say exactly what provoked Amber's beatdown during a Mexican vacation on the most recent season of the Bad Girls Club. Amber had annoyed the other girls all season, but on this night, Amber had been minding her own business, dancing alone in a nightclub. But when the night came to an end, the other drunken cast members all attacked Amber outside the club, and began kicking her as she laid out on the sidewalk. Amber required medical attention and the cops were called in, but the worst part was that some girls had absolutely no remorse.

3. Sgt. Harvey vs. Screech

While on Celebrity Fit Club, Dustin "Screech" Diamond alienated all his castmates by talking incessantly about his porn tape and his male unit. He took it a step further when he personally insulted all of them, but when he threatened ex-Marine/fitness expert/CFC judge, Sgt. Harvey Walden, Screech was lucky to escape with his life. "You must be out your mind!," Walden screamed. "DON'T YOU EVER F-ING THREATEN ME! I will wear your ass out! ... I'm here to help your fat ass. ... Don't you ever in your f-ing cartoon life ever f-ing threaten me, bitch. I will wear your ass out! You take that to your porn convention!"

2. CT jumps to conclusions
Real World alum CT is no stranger to televised skirmishes. But literally moments into the season premiere of Real World Road Rules Duel II, CT lost his marbles because someone told his ex, Diem, that he had (already) hooked up with busty blonde Shauvon. Katie spilled the beans, but CT assumed it was Adam -- who is half his size and was dressed in a full set of pajamas for a costume party -- and beat the stuffing out of him. CT promised: "I will smash his head and eat it!"

1. Vanilla Ice brings the heat
The Surreal Life Fame Games brought back several of VH1 Surreal Life alum to compete for $100,000. Toward the end of the show, Ron Jeremy cast his vote to eliminate his chum, Vanilla Ice and the Iceman had a meltdown, destroying much of the show's set. He hurled vases, broke giant stage lights, crushed a drum set and screamed in Ron Jeremy's face: "You swore on your mother's grave! BACKSTABBER!" The rest of the cast calmly watched in horror, speechless. Later, Ice proclaimed, "I put him on my album, I told everyone how cool he was." That's OK, Vanilla. We doubt anyone heard it.

Got any favorites I missed?

TV Throwdown: Denise Richards Vs. Kendra Wilkinson: Battle of the Blondes

2009-06-03T23:17:00.002-04:00

A few weeks ago, E! unleashed notorious blondes to television viewers in two different reality shows. Starring Kendra Wilkinson of The Girls Next Door fame, Kendra (10 p.m.) will follow the buxom blonde as she lives on her own for the first time and plans her wedding to NFL baller, Hank Baskett.
Actress and former Dancing With the Stars contestant Denise Richards is back for a second season of It's Complicated (11 p.m.), where she navigates Hollywood, dating and motherhood.
So, who are we more willing to set our DVRs for? We'll let you know after we pit the two against each other in five categories in a TV Throwdown:

DAMAGE CONTROL
Most suspect that Richards agreed to a reality show to try and repair her tarnished reputation after her bitter divorce from Charlie Sheen, and after being accused of stealing Richie Sambora from her former best friend, Heather Locklear.
Instead, Richards' program proves she's shallow, inane, not too bright – and above all else – boring. In other words, this show isn't doing her any favors.
Wilkinson, who was a mere civilian before becoming one of Hef's girlfriends, has nothing to lose by doing another show. She has no career to speak of, and she's like a cartoon character, made of flesh (and silicone). Since we don't see her heading off to college any time soon, she might as well make some dough doing this.
Denise: 0
Kendra: 1

FAMOUS EXES
Richards' roster most famously includes Charlie Sheen, 44, who, in his life has appreciated the services of prostitutes; became a born again Christian; overdosed on coke; had five kids (two with Richards); and allegedly verbally assaulted and threatened to kill Richards during their divorce. Richards has also been linked to John Stamos, Patrick Muldoon and Richie Sambora.
Wilkinson's claim to fame is being a girlfriend to Hugh Hefner, 83. Hef enjoys wearing silk pajamas during the daytime; is an athiest; throws ridiculously huge parties at his renowned mansion; is technically still married to spouse Kimberley Conrad, but has multiple, rotating girlfriends; has four kids; and has a constant flow of half-naked women around the house.
Neither make great boyfriend material, but least all of Denise's dudes were within her age range.
Denise: 1
Kendra: 1

LAUGH
Hearing people laugh is supposed to make you feel good and jovial. But listening to these annoying blonde babes cackle gives us both an earache and a headache. Kendra sounds a bit like a monotone Woody Woodpecker, while Denise's guffaws are comparable a female version of Louis in Revenge of the Nerds.
But Kendra loses this round, for the simple fact that she assaults us with her laugh more often than Denise does. She cracks up every time she does something stupid. Which is all the time.
Denise: 2
Kendra: 1

ENTERTAINMENT VALUE
I can say this: There aren't a whole lot of specific moments that stand out in my memory from either woman's past shows. In general, Kendra loves to flash her boobs, play sports and meanders through life on a feeble brain and good looks. Denise has had a mediocre acting career, owns too many pets, swears a lot in front of her kids and leads a pretty dull life.
That said, I'd rather watch Kendra learn to do laundry than see Denise get another spray tan. Denise's promotional teaser for her show says it best: "It doesn't matter if I hit a home run or strike out, at least I'm in the game." Um, if you expect us to waste our time watching your show, it matters to us.
Denise: 2
Kendra: 2

"TALENTS"
Denise's short-lived, uncoordinated stint on Dancing With the Stars was terrible -- almost as bad as her rendition of "Take Me Out to the Ball Game," which she unleashed upon a crowd at a Chicago Cubs game.
However, Kendra had the most embarrassing showing when she competed on Celebrity Rap Superstar, often forgetting the words during performances and relying on obscene gyrations to propel her.
Still, Kendra is also pretty athletic, proving herself capable at tennis and flag football in various Girls Next Door episodes. Plus, Denise demonstrated her bottomless pit of talentlessness in two separate categories. Kendra barely squeaks by with the win.
Denise: 2
Kendra: 3

Bottom line: While Kendra grated on my last nerve during The Girls Next Door, she is undeniably entertaining and we plan to tune in. Meanwhile, I fell asleep during numerous episodes of It's Complicated. Denise is a train wreck, but I just don't care. Why this show has been renewed, I will never understand.

Ranking the Rock of Love girls

2009-05-20T22:21:00.004-04:00

The only thing that’s more shameful than being addicted to the three different seasons of Poison frontman Bret Michaels’ dating show, Rock of Love is the notoriety and “fame” that has been bestowed on several of the skanks who competed for his love.
We’re not talking Angelina Jolie-type fame or anything, but VH1 loves resurrecting former dating show contestants and placing them in other competition shows such as I Love Money (a co-ed contest to win money) and Charm School (a program that tries to teach scruples and manners to rough women from its dating shows).
Here, we rank the top five notorious personalities that rejected by Bret Michaels, but not by American TV viewers. And for fun, we’ve paired them with an applicable Poison hit.

5. Brandi Cunningham, "I Want Action"
With a soft-spoken baby voice, Brandi captured attention by calling a scar on her face “a disability,” calling her cat “a human,” and stating that her breast implants were the best birthday present she’d ever received from her parents. After participating what appeared to be a foursome with Bret, Lacey and Heather, she was dismissed from the first season show. But that wasn’t the end of Brandi.
In addition to parts in I Love Money and Charm School, Brandi also went on to do an adult film under an alias. She’s slated to have a role in Megan Hauserman’s new reality show, Trophy Wife as well.

4. Lacey Connor – “Talk Dirty to Me”
Not only did Lacey talk dirty to her fellow contestants, she played dirty as well. Of all the seasons’ ladies, Lacey was the biggest back stabber, instigator and villain that we’ve seen. She always promised to push other contestants to their breaking points, and was partially responsible for getting her “friends” kicked off the show by using personal information against them. Which is probably why she kept getting invited back to terrify contestants in subsequent seasons.
Lacey continued her reign of terror on Charm School, and even though she expressed (fake) remorse for her actions, Sharon Osbourne gave her the boot.

3. Daisy de la Hoya, "Sexual Thing"
It's not like we've committed every ep from ROL2 to memory. But here's what I remember about Daisy's relationship with Bret: Not much. The conversation was always vapid, and when Bret asked Daisy questions, she was about as coherent at Paula Abdul on American Idol. He’d complain about the mediocre chats with Daisy during his confessional monologues, but he’d always end them with "but she's smokin' hot!" Even after she confessed she still lived in a one-bedroom apartment with her ex-boyfriend, Bret was able to overlook it.
Clearly, his big connection with her was in his groin.
Now that Daisy has her own show, she is a little more articulate. But we still don't really understand why she, of all people, was the one to get a show.

2. Megan Hauserman, "Fallen Angel"
At first glance, lovely, angelic Megan is nothing more than a dumb, innocent blonde with a perfect body, a collection of bikinis and a few dozen brain cells. But after watching her on ROL, two installations of I Love Money, and Charm School, we all know better. She plays it cool with fellow competitors, but is a master manipulator behind the scenes, using her body and/or innocent act to her advantage.
Her true colors always shine through, but usually after she’s gotten pretty far in each competition. Now, VH1 is giving her her own dating show, Trophy Wife, scheduled to air this summer. We expect her to show up with her tiny dog, a suitcase full of bikinis and an evil little grin.

1. Heather Chadwell – “Look What the Cat Dragged In”
We admit it: During the first season of Rock of Love, we thought it could get no worse than Heather. She was loud, obnoxious, skankalicious and had the biggest hair we've seen since 1987. Her idea of a classy evening gown involved cheap, pleather scraps of material that covered little more than what was required for TV. And then she was stupid enough to get Bret's name tattooed across the back of her neck during a one-on-one date.
In the end, she didn't win Bret's heart, but the season one runner-up returned in subsequent seasons to help the rocker vet his new crop of women. Heather got into physical altercations with Daisy (during season two’s finale show) and Brittanya (Rock of Love Bus). Of course, we’ve also seen Heather in I Love Money and Charm School.
And we confess: She's grown on us over that time, if not simply for proving that there were tons more people more offensive than her. She was just warming us up for what was to come, and she wanted to kick their asses, too.

I love my momma!

2009-05-10T09:49:00.007-04:00

Mom with Archie and Lucy at the park

Mom and Archie

Swingin'!

Mom and I, Dec. 2008

Happy Mother's Day to the person who inspires me every day. She is fun and smart and cool and I love her times ten million.

Stupid signs

2009-05-08T22:44:00.004-04:00

Today I was driving home and saw a sign up at a Valvoline oil change place that said, "Now hiring great people!"

Really? Doesn't that go without saying? You never see a sign that says: "Now hiring total assholes!"

Seriously.

I Need A Wheelchair: A Series of Haiku About Being Stupid

2009-05-03T07:51:00.008-04:00

This is a follow-up to yesterday's post.

I should have known, when
Idris Elba tweeted re:
his music at six.

Nobody at the
racetrack during Derby
would do that. Red flag.

Still, I believed he
would show up at Grand Gala,
honor commitments.

I went. I milled around.
But mostly, sat and waited.
And waited. Waited.

Of course, he did not
come. We left early. We parked
close, one block away.

But it already
had been too much for my bod.
I'm freakin' totaled.

My feet, still throbbing,
are swollen. They tingle up
to my calves. It sucks.

Baby Nick, your mom
is not a trooper. She's dumb.
Over an actor.

I should send him a
bill for my dress, shoes. Along
with middle finger.

But I will settle
for the moment when I see
Idris on Lifetime.

"Obsessed" is surely
bound for that channel sometime
in the next two years.

Normally, this would
not bug me. But it was too
much effort, no reward.

Derby Day feels weird without the stress

2009-05-02T10:23:00.005-04:00

Since I moved here six years ago, today is the only Derby day that I haven't been completely exhausted and totally stressed out about the rest of the weekend.

It's kind of nice.

Normally, I spend 7-8 hours going to and/or covering parties on Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights -- out until 4 a.m. each time. Then I go into the office the following day to write everything up. I grab a few hours of sleep here and there, but mostly, it's just a cycle of getting all gussied up, celebrity spotting and being around a bunch of drunks, then writing.

But thanks to my growing belly, extreme fatigue and the discomfort of standing up for more than 30 minutes of a time, the bosses have spared me any track or party duty this year.

And baby Nicholas and I would like to thank them for that. I went to a media event and another party on Thursday night with Kyle, Javacia and Edd. I got to sit down at both the whole time at both of them and was home by 11:30 or so. And still, when I went into work on Friday, I felt like I got hit by a truck. Seriously. There's no way I could hack party coverage anyway.

Tonight, though, I'm giving one more feeble attempt at enjoying Derby while 30 weeks pregs. I'm heading to the Grand Gala -- the one party I have covered every, single year without fail -- with Kyle. As a regular person, not a reporter. I will drink water sitting down the whole time, stay only a few hours and be fatigued all day tomorrow.

Since all the celebs are the same this year, I had no interest in going to the Gala until I found out Idris Elba was coming. I'm a huge fan of The Wire. So while I won't interview him, I might get to check him out. I guesss that makes me kind of a loser, but oh well.

Plus, now I can tell Nick that his old-ass mother was a trooper and took him to his first Derby events at -9 weeks old. And I can sleep in tomorrow.

Top 15 TV Catchphrases

2009-04-28T22:37:00.001-04:00

Sure, there are TV phrases that have been used with incredible regularity: South Park's "Oh my God, they killed Kenny!" and Cheers' "Norm!," for instance. But sometimes, the test of a classic catchphrase is whether it gets used real life. So here, I'm salute the Top 15 TV quotes that have crept their way into American vernacular over the years.

15. "The plane, the plane!," Tattoo, Fantasy Island

Oh, Tattoo. This phrase is pretty much the only memory we have of this program. But it is burned into my mind -- and TV history -- for the remainder of my life.

Idea for use: After being delayed because of weather, your best friend's plane finally arrives at the airport.

14. "How you doin'?," Joey Tribbiani, Friends

It's a common salutation that's been around since, oh, the beginning of time. But Joey Tribbiani's trademark "dumb-guy" enunciation made the phrase seem brand new. Which, subsequently, got a little bit old after hearing everyone say it during the show's heyday.

Idea for use: Anytime. It's an all-purpose greeting.

13. "I'm Rick James, bitch!," Dave Chappelle as Rick James, Chappelle's Show

For nine to 12 months after this episode of Chappelle's Show ran, this phrase was uttered mostly by 20-something men in bars, in malls and in colleges non-stop. It finally died down, but if you said it today, most people would immediately know to what you were referring.

Idea for use: Unless you are Rick James, which you are not because he's dead, there's really no reason use this phrase -- which is why I was so floored it caught on.

12. "Aaaay," Fonzie, Happy Days

A motorcycle-riding, ex-gang member, The Fonz was the cool, womanizing bad boy of this 1950s-based sitcom. His cool-guy remarks were never uttered without using the double thumbs-up sign and were absolutely huge when the show was on air.

Idea for use: Prop yourself up against your new ride, feather your hair, and then let it rip.

11. "Homey don't play that," Damon Wayans as Homey D. Clown, In Living Color

Many times, the actions that accompany a catchphrase are what make it so funny and memorable. Homey D. Clown, an ex-con who worked as a clown, entertained chidren and adults. But when something made him angry, he also violently struck out at people using the phrase, while simultaneously clipping them over the head with a tennis ball-filled sock.

Idea for use: Your sister steals the baby name you've been planning to use since you were 20. (A makeshift weapon can also be used in this instance.)

10. "Hell to the no!," Whitney Houston, Being Bobby Brown

Made popular by Houston before she got smart enough to dump Brown for good, this phrase was so much better and definitive than the standard "hell no." It's become a standard way to express disbelief.

Idea for use: A friend asks if you'd like to attend a Celine Dion concert.

9. "Let's hug it out, bitch," Ari Gold, Entourage

Approximately 30 seconds after slimy agent Ari Gold uttered this phrase on Entourage, we estimate that at least 50 percent of the viewing population used it in conversation within 24 hours.

Idea for use: After a Super Bowl game, during which you were at odds with friends.

8. "Make it work," Tim Gunn, Project Runway

Runway mentor Gunn usually doesn't totally shoot down someone's clothing designs. But he does offer advice, then tell contestants to "make it work." If you see a story about Runway that doesn't include this term, we'll pay you $5. *Not really.

Idea for use: Your boss gives you an impossible amount of work to do in 40 hours time. "Don't worry," you snarl. "I'll make it work."

7. "Well, isn't that special?," Dana Carvey as The Church Lady, Saturday Night Live

Whether or not you said this with a crooked mouth like The Church Lady, chances are you sarcastically uttered it many times during the 1980s.

Idea for use: A friend buys the shoes you've been coveting and saving up for.

6. "The tribe has spoken," Jeff Probst, Survivor

It's the last thing ousted Survivor contestants hear before leaving the game -- and a final way to end any real-life vote.

Idea for use: Your daughter wants to watch Hannah Montana episodes for five hours straight. The rest of the family doesn't.

5. "You look mahvelous," Billy Crystal as Fernandeo Lamas, Saturday Night Live

It's hard to forget this hallmark SNL character, mostly because of his trademark catchphrase -- and the hilarious video that eventually accompanied it. "I've got to tell you something. And I don't say this to everyone. You. Look. Mahvelous," he said. "It's better to look good than to feel good." Word.

Idea for use: When your mom arrives for Mother's Day dinner.

4. "Yada, yada, yada," Marcy, Seinfeld

While this phrase was already popular, the "yada yada" episode became one of the most famous in the Seinfeld series. In the ep, George's girlfriend uses the term to gloss over important details of her day. Jerry doesn't see much problem with it, saying that she's succinct, "like dating USA Today." But it turns out she was leaving out things like possibly sleeping with an ex, and shoplifting.

Idea for use: "Hi honey. I went to the mall today, yada yada yada, then I came home."

3. "Whachu talking about, Willis?," Arnold Jackson, Diff'rent Strokes

It's been 24 years since this sitcom ended, but Arnold's trademark statement still lives on. Not only do people still use it in conversation, I've seen teenage girls at the mall wearing t-shirts proclaiming "I'm What Willis Was Talking About," even though they were never alive during Diff'rent Stokes' days of glory.

Idea for use: Your husband wants to spend $4,000 on a Breitling watch.

2. "Heeeere's Johnny!," Ed McMahon, The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson

The standard announcement that announced Carson's stage entrance has been used in other TV shows, newspaper headlines, and perhaps most notably, in The Shining just after Jack Nicholson plunges off the deep end.

Idea for use: For guest arrivals. You can pretty much replace Johnny with any name, as long as you draw out "heeeere's."

1. "D'oh!," Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

Uttered by Homer almost every time he makes some kind of foible (read: all the time), this simple grunting sound has become so entrenched in popular culture that it made its way into the Merriam-Webster Dictionary in 1993, and into the New Oxford Dictionary of English in 1998. That's quite an accomplishment, especially for Homer, who has likely never used a dictionary.

Idea for use: Stubbing your toe, closing your hand in the door, spilling your beer.

Vampire Fetish: Bloodsuckers Are The New Bad Boy

2009-04-20T22:46:00.009-04:00

Centuries-old legends about vampires largely paint them as super-scary killing machines that should be avoided at all costs.

But thanks to a few modern novels – which have been adapted into television shows (True Blood) and movies (Twilight) – vampires are quickly emerging as contemporary sex symbols. Forget the days when sought-after bad boys rode motorcycles, smoked cigarettes and had a couple of tattoos. Today's bad-ass, bloodsucking, boy toys can kill you on the spot – and even though you've got no chance of outrunning them, would you really want to? They are too intriguing to resist.

That's why I'm are counting down the days until I get to see Bill Compton -- the title vampire on True Blood -- again, when season two of the show begins on June 14.

Part of the thing that makes the modern-day vampire so tangible, if not loveable, is the way the legends and personas have been manipulated for the new millennium. The vampires are old souls with modern problems and ideals -- and I love the mixture.

So, I took a look at True Blood and Twilight in several categories, rating the right-now-ness of each on a scale of 1-10.

ASSIMILATION
The main vamps in each series, Bill Compton and Edward Cullen (Twilight), both make every attempt to live normal lives among humans without hurting them. However, each have their crosses to bear. In True Blood, the townspeople are aware that vampires exist, but they are met with extreme prejudice. In Twilight, Edward must hide his true self from everyone but his vampire family and girlfriend, Bella. Can you say stressful?
True Blood: 8
Twilight: 7

EATING
While Bill's hungry, he sips the synthetic drink, Tru Blood, so as not to feed on living creatures. The beverage invention seems so 2009. The Cullens, meanwhile, feed on animals in the forest instead of humans. It's great they don't kill humans, but this writer often likes animals better than people, so I'm not super impressed.
True Blood: 10
Twilight: 7

SLEEPING
Like most traditional vampires, Bill sleeps in a coffin during the daytime. Ho-hum. Edward however, doesn't require sleep. Ever. Can you imagine how much you could get done if you never got tired?
True Blood: 2
Twilight: 8

SEX
Twilight is geared toward young adults, and romance prevails over sex. Bella and Edward can scarcely make out before he pulls back to avoid his natural instinct to inhale her scent and suck her blood. Frankly, it's nice to see teenagers who aren't hopping in the sack first chance they get.
The vamps on True Blood, meanwhile, have insatiable libidos. Their graphic, lighting-speed sexual activity can be a little bit much, but at least they can have sex with humans. Let's face it: Complete, prolonged abstinence isn't easy for everyone ... and consensual sex is better than a pile of dead bodies.
True Blood: 7
Twilight: 9

TRAVEL
You'd think an unemployed being – alive or undead – would A) take public transportation; B) drive a jalopy; or C) just run everywhere, since they're gifted with the ability to move at lightning speeds. But Bill drives a black BMW, and Edward's got a shiny, silver Volvo. Even vampires want nice wheels.
True Blood: 8
Twilight: 8

BITING
In most stories, including Twilight, being bitten (but not killed) by a vampire means that you're doomed to the same immortal fate. But on True Blood, vampires can bite humans (during sex, for instance) and not be changed. Likewise, humans on the show take hits of vampire blood to get high. Creative and interesting.
True Blood: 10
Twilight: 2

CLOTHING
No cloaks with high collars here, like many vampires of olde. Bill's usually wearing button down shirts, jackets or long sleeved henley tees with pants. Edward adopts the vibe of his Pacific Northwest home, opting fo casual t-shirts and jeans to complement his messy, gelled-up hairdo. Fashionable? Meh. Inconspicuous? Totally.
True Blood: 8
Twilight: 7

GOING OUTSIDE
Bill's intolerance to daylight means that his skin melts off in a gruesome fashion. Scary! But when Edward is in the sunlight, his skin sparkles like a million diamonds. Bling!
True Blood: 4
Twilight: 10

LOVE
Despite the fact that vampires aren't human – something that Bill and Edward continually remind their partners about – both seem capable of true, unwavering, loyal love with their human girlfriends. Bill fell for telepathic, outspoken waitress Sookie Stackhouse, while Edward is smitten with Bella, a high-school student who is sometimes insecure about their relationship. Still, both relationships seem built to last despite the 100+ year age difference. We don't expect to see either couple on Divorce Court.
True Blood: 10
Twilight: 9

Dancing With The Stars: Best and Worst Costumes

2009-04-15T19:34:00.003-04:00

There are lots of reasons that Dancing With The Stars has become such a huge hit with viewers, not the least of which, I suspect, are the costumes that dancers wear each week. I mean, it's hard look away when so much color, sequins and flesh are swirling about on the dance floor.

Granted, most of the costumes are gharish at best, but I can't deny the creativity that goes into outfitting the couples each week. So, to celebrate the halfway mark on the show, I compiled a list of the best and worst costumes worn thus far:

(See a photo gallery of costumes here.)

BEST:

1. Edyta Sliwinska channeled Halle Berry's 2002 Oscar dress with her gown on March 16, which was like a DWTS version of Berry's frock. Edyta's body looked flawless in the dress, which featured a sheer bodice with strategically placed flowers (sequined of course!), and a solid black bottom.

2. Shawn Johnson's rumba dress (April 14) featured light pink, drapey chiffon over a sequined bodice. Now, it's not the best dress we've ever seen. But she looked angelic in the color and it was more flattering on Shawn's thick, muscular frame than many of the previous, more revealing styles in which she's been outfitted.

3. Julianne Hough was sophisticated in a silver-grey floor-length gown with a high neck, gorgeous, modern shoulder straps and sexy open back on March 23. Short, matching gloves with ruffle-y trim funked it up a bit without looking out of place.

4. Despite its penchant for gaudy get-ups, DWTS still manages to make Lil' Kim look much more classy than she usually does in real life. She was a lovely, elegant lady in red on March 16 in a long, sequined gown, red satin gloves and rhinestone bracelets. An up-do with subtle hair decorations completed her transformation. A real upgrade from her pasties look.

5. On March 30, Cheryl Burke and Gilles Marini looked like they could be going to a New Year's Eve party. She wore a sexy, lacy purple dress that revealed just enough skin, and Gilles was slick in a pinstriped suit and complementary purple tie.

WORST:

1. You're not alone if you are still being haunted by the fringed, Pepto Bismol pink and Big Bird yellow bra and pants montrosity worn by Julianne Hough during the March 16 early episode. If you thought it was hideous when she was merely standing there, you should have seen it when she started twirling and the thing fanned out from every angle.

2. Melissa Rycroft got the short end of the stick on her first night when she was subjected to an aqua, silky skirt and sequined nightmare of a top that looked more like a fish-catching mechanism than a piece of clothing. The worst part? It's the same outfit she's wearing in the intro to the show, so we all have to relive the pain every, single week.

3. It's hard to screw up the chiseled beauty that is Gilles Marini. But leave it to DWTS to turn a piece of eye candy into an eyesore. On March 23, Marini was dressed in a raging red, boudoir-like shirt/pants/shoes combo with a smattering of sequins. Perfect for Hugh Hefner, not for Gilles. It was hard to look at him that night – and that's a hell of an achievement.

4. Lindy hop night (March 30) was an evening of fun, invigorating dancing, but the outfits were revolting. We honestly could have filled the whole "worst" category with Mark Ballas and Shawn Johnson's sequined "athletic gear," Julianne and Chuck Wicks' diner uniforms and other atrocities. But the worst was Lacey Schwimmer's turquoise, pink and black sequined shorts-jumpsuit. Besides being gaudy and hideous – fringed leg holes and big, black hearts on each butt cheek, anyone? – it rode up so much it bordered on being obscene. The purple, Crocs-meets-orthopedic shoes were the clincher, though.

5. Two April 14 ensembles tied for this slot. First, Edyta wore a hot pink sequined bra and shorts, adorned with a strip of useless chiffon. Dangling fringe and medallions added more gaudiness to the outfit, but it was the pink legwarmer thingies – which looked more like the fake boots you get in a packaged Halloween costume – that sealed its fate on this list.
However, on this same night, Julianne and Chuck wore see-through, lingerie-like, black, sequined lace outfits. The horror! Julianne even had thigh-high stockings to complete the Frederick's of Hollywood look.

What the hell is going on?

2009-04-09T19:44:00.002-04:00

Does the world really need Hannah Montana deodorant? I saw some at the grocery store tonight.

Also, that Burger King mascot thing was creepy enough before I saw the commercial where he's rapping about Sponge Bob's square butt.

The world is a ridiculous place sometimes.

Basketball can suck it

2009-04-07T20:58:00.009-04:00

Confession: I'm happy that the Lady Cards made it to the final tourney game and I hope they win. But overall, college basketball season is a synonym for "My husband works all the fucking time and I never see him."

Between the men's NCAA tournament and the ridiculous brouhaha over UK's new coach, Kyle has worked 20 out of the past 21 days. If I had a miserable relationship, I'd be happy I didn't have to see him. But I miss him a lot. And I resent basketball because I simply don't give two shits about any of it. But the worst part, as I said, is that he's had to work 20 of the past 21 days. And he's been taking care of me because I've had some health stuff going on that has rendered me pretty useless for the past couple of days.

The poor thing is so burned out right now. His next day off is Friday -- his birthday -- and I'm hoping he's not too tired to enjoy it.

Thank You, VH1

2009-04-04T09:17:00.004-04:00

So, VH1 has been running these shows all week that feature the Top 100 One-Hit Wonders from the 1980s. Now, I have a shitload of 80s pop on my iPod -- so much that I thought I could never be missing any songs that used to give me such cheesy pop pleasure back in the day.

I was wrong! I found myself jotting down all kinds of tunes that I didn't have. How could I be missing "99 Luftballoons" by Nena? "Supersonic" by JJ Fad? "Tenderness" by General Public?

Anyway, then I started reminiscing and realized I was missing tons of other tunes, too. Like Joan Jett's "Bad Reputation," "Jack & Diane" by John Mellencamp. I had no Huey Lewis & the News tunes, only two by Duran Duran and no "Footloose?" Blasphemy! No 80s playlist is complete without such things.

I have totally been living in the past. But it's been nice, because my present has been super-suckfest for the past couple of days. Now, I'm heading back over to iTunes to grab a few more songs.

April Fools! Counting Down the Top 10 TV Morons

2009-03-29T14:15:00.001-04:00

April Fools Day is a day to play practical jokes, and in doing so, a way to celebrate folks that are dim-witted enough to fall for them. But let's face it: you can only watch a your office-mates return a call to Mr. Behr from the zoo so many times before it stops being funny.
So to further celebrate this fine, upcoming holiday of lugheads and laughter, I compiled a list of my Top 10 TV Fools.

10. Molly Malaney, The Bachelor
Honestly, the whole situation that transpired with Jason on the After the Final Rose almost seemed like a bad April Fools' prank. Sadly, it wasn't, and when Molly took him back, she seemed desperate and prideless. Geez, at least pretend you're upset to be second fiddle.

Quote: "This is something I dreamt of, but never expected to hear. ... I'd be lying if I said I was glad this wasn't happening right now."

9. Flavor Flav, Flavor of Love
On two installments of this reality show, an aesthetically-challenged, 50-year-old rapper with a penchant for wearing over-sized clock necklaces, pimp suits and Viking horns searched for true love with "ladies" in their 20s. Frankly, Flavor Flav is the class clown that never grew up.

Quote: "Yeaaaaah Boyyeeeee!"

8. Woody Boyd, Cheers
As a bartender at Cheers, it's a miracle that bumbling Boyd (Woody Harrelson) could even remember how to make a proper cocktail when simple small talk sailed far above his head. Even with his foolishness, though, he still married the daughter of a millionaire and went on to become a politician. Not that you need smarts to do that.

Quote: Sam Malone to Woody: "You know what, Woody? You just gave me something to think about." Woody: "I'm sorry Sam. I hate it when someone does that to me."

7. Michael Scott, The Office

In the world of incompetent, politically incorrect, time-wasting bosses, Scott (Steve Carell) reigns supreme. After numerous run-ins with his supervisors and his lack of leadership skills, we can't believe this idiot still has a job.

Quote: "I guess the atmosphere that I've tried to create here is that I'm a friend first, and a boss second, and probably an entertainer third."

6. Joey Tribbiani, Friends

Tribbiani (Matt LeBlanc) sleeps with a stuffed penguin named Hugsy, considers eating 15 Oreos at once as a crowning achievement and starred in a Japanese TV commercial for men's lipstick. Case closed.

Quote (on living alone):"I thought it'd be great, you know? Have some time alone with my thoughts. Turns out, I don't really have as many thoughts as you'd think."

5. Rose Nylund, The Golden Girls
With her meandering, pointless tales of life in St. Olaf, Minnesota, and her complete oblivion to everything around her, Nylund (Betty White) is incredibly endearing and entertaining. But smart? Not by a long shot.

Quote: "You know what they say: You can lead a herring to the water, but you have to walk really fast or he'll die."

4. Peter Griffin, Family Guy
Well, for starters, Peter's baby, Stewie, and dog, Brian, are both a million times smarter than him. Besides being obese and a heavy drinker, he's also a purveyor of grotesque bodily functions, loves Pauly Shore movies and treats his daughter Meg like a pariah.

Quote: "I'm going to microwave a bagel and have sex with it. "

3. Chrissy Snow, Three's Company
Snow is the textbook definition of a dumb blonde, all the way down to her uncontrollable snorts during laughter. But she's got another loveable side: She makes astute observations from time to time –- but without knowing she's doing it, of course.

Quote: "This breakfast is good enough to eat!"

2. George Costanza, Seinfeld
Costanza lived at home with his parents, was chronically unemployed, and his most successful day was when he did the opposite of all his instincts. But the icing on the cake: When he flew all the way to Akron, Ohio, to insult a guy who'd demeaned him at a meeting, and ended up being the butt of the joke. Again. Constanza is the real jerk store here.

Quote: "My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter, I was raised to give up. It's one of the few things I do well."

1. Beavis/Butthead, Beavis & Butt-head

Without a doubt, these two are the biggest morons to ever hit TV. Their conversations are made up of banal music commentary and bathroom humor, interspersed with their signature laugh, "heh-heh-heh."

Quotes: Beavis: "My name is Cornholio. I need T.P. for my bunghole." Butt-head: "This sucks more than anything has ever sucked before."

... And she had rage in her eyes ...

2009-03-28T14:56:00.009-04:00

I woke up in a really good mood today. I got to sleep in, the house was totally clean, I received all my new nursery stuff yesterday, and my mom sent a gift card to buy our new crib. (Thanks, mom!)

So I headed over to Target with my gift card and a big smile. While I was there, I saw the cutest little baby outfits on sale for $5, so I grabbed a couple. It just kept getting better.

I got up front and paid for my stuff, and then had to wait while they brought the crib from the stockroom so I chatted a bit with the teenaged girl at the register.

She said she loved baby clothes, and proceeded to tell me that she had a newborn daughter and a 3-year-old son. Of course, I congratulated her on her newborn and she talked a little more about her kids.

There was a pause, and then she said to me, "So are these things a gift for your new grandchild?"

And at that moment, I had my first bout with pregnancy-induced rage. There was no gradual stewing that happened... I went from cheerful to GO FUCK YOURSELF in .5 seconds. I think I have only ever been that pissed off/hurt three or four times in my life, and they all were results of too much alcohol consumption.

Maybe to her young ass, I looked like an old hag. Or maybe in her redneck yokel family, everyone is a grandmother by their mid-30s. But neither of those things changed the fact that I wanted to CLIMB OVER THE COUNTER AND CRUSH IN HER FUCKING SKULL.

But in my pregnant state, I was not agile enough to reach over and JAM THE HANGERS FROM THE BABY OUTFITS INTO HER WHORISH EYE SOCKETS.

I know, I'm not 25 anymore, but a grandmother??????

So I just replied, "No. And I think I'll wait over here."

See? I'm already a good mother. Holding my temper means that Nicholas will not be born in jail. But I better not see that girl later this summer...

Extreme Denial

2009-03-18T16:29:00.009-04:00

You know how you denial works. It can make you think ridiculous, often deranged things, like:

-- These Easter-sized candy bars are soooo small; I might as well eat 5 or 6 of them. I'll just walk an extra 10 minutes on the treadmill. Or not.

-- Watching Rock of Love Bus and Bad Girls Club is a totally worthwhile use of my time.

-- I might as well buy this expensive handbag because I'm totally going to win the Powerball on Wednesday, so I'll be able pay it off immediately.

But my biggest, most recent denial has beeen in regards to my shoes. Many of my child-bearing friends have said that at some point in my pregnancy, my shoes would probably stop fitting for a while.

Fuck that, I thought. My feet know better than to deprive me of my very favorite accessory in the world. All my baby bulkiness has thankfully gone right where it's supposed to (belly) and nowhere else. I wanted to at least keep wearing cute shoes. A girl has to feel fancy somehow, right? I could even live with wearing my fun, colorful flats/sandals for the sake of comfort.

So I was unprepared yesterday, when my black patent strappy sandals were too tight. And by tight, I mean after three hours (of sitting at my desk, not even walking around), they were buried in the top of my feet.

I changed into my sparkly flip-flops for the rest of the day. And then when I got home and wanted to walk the dogs, my freakin' tennis shoes felt snug.

What the fuck is this?, I thought. I've been walking and drinking water and doing yoga, partly for health, and partly in hopes that this would not happen.

I'll tell you what this is. It's the beginning of me wearing Mary Jane style Crocs and sandals -- I bought them today -- for the next three or so months. Flip-flops are OK, but they don't have enough arch support for all the running around I do for work.

See ya later, pride.

TV Throwdown: Who Is More Annoying? Octo-Mom Vs. Bachelor Dad

2009-03-11T22:30:00.006-04:00

Let's cut to the chase. I am so totally sick of seeing The Bachelor's Jason Mesnick and Nadya Suleman (aka Octo-Mom) on TV that I'm considering reading more books, just so I don't accidentally have to watch another repetitive interview in HD.

Both parties claim they're not out for attention, but neither seems to be fading into the sunset. So, who's the most annoying of the omnipresent pair? Glad you asked. We pitted them against each other to find out. (Remember, a point in someone's favor means they're more annoying, so the winner here is really the loser.)

TV APPEARANCES:
Jason is not only The Bachelor's first dad, he's the only to require a second After the Final Rose update program. Since that time, we've witnessed him spew his Melissa apologies to Ellen Degeneres, Bonnie Hunt and on Extra, to name just a few. Plus, every other television entertainment show seems to have daily tidbits about him and/or his two ladies.
Nadya is on her post-procreation publicity tour, sitting down almost daily with news magazines, filming segments for The Insider and more. On Tuesday night alone, she was on Dr. Phil, Inside Edition, Entertainment Tonight (twice in a 30 minute show!) and Extra. I actually had dreams about her that night.
Kill me now.
Octo-Mom: 1
Bachelor Dad: 0

MAGAZINE COVERS:
Of course, magazine covers depend on the week's happenings. And with the whole Chris Brown/Rihanna thing going on, both Jason and Nadya have been mostly relegated to inside stories. But Jason's mug was front on center (with Molly) on People magazine, and he makes the cover of this week's Us Weekly (with ex-fiance Melissa Rycroft) as well. (Octo-Mom gets a small cover photo and tease on the same issue.)
Octo-Mom:1
Bachelor Dad: 1

PARENTING ABILITY:
Jason is billed as a single father, but he shares custody of Ty 50-50 with his ex-wife. So that's a two-to-one parent ratio, and a marriage to Molly would make three parental units. We are slightly concerned about Jason letting Ty's tantrums rule the roost, but at least he has a job and a stable home.
Nadya, who already had six kids, is unemployed, on food stamps and soliciting donations on her website to help raise her 14 children.
She recently accepted an offer of free, round-the-clock nurses worth $135K a month, and her dad just bought her a new house. But she clearly cannot care for 14 children (many with health concerns) alone — and they are what's important here. When one of her six older children expressed depression and sadness over the new family sitch, she "held him for 10 minutes, and he held me back, and that's all he needed." Or is that just all you had time for, SuperMom?)
Octo-Mom: 2
Bachelor Dad: 1

REALITY SHOWS:
Thanks to reality TV, Jason has gone from the broken-hearted dad from The Bachelorette, to perhaps the most popular Bachelor ever, to arguably the biggest jackass who has ever been on either show. We never found him that compelling on either program, but we can't deny his public appeal.
At first, Octo-Mom reportedly turned down the free nurses because they wouldn't allow her to film a reality show. However, she will now be doing "reality show" segments for The Insider and already has a daily video blog for Radar Online. (TMZ also reports Nadya was offered a million bucks to do porn. There's no word on her decision, but we hope she agrees that her lady parts have seen enough activity to last several lifetimes.)
Still, reality shows are why we even know who Jason is.
Octo-Mom: 2
Bachelor Dad: 2

MENTAL STABILITY:
Besides the fact that he's wishy-washy, Jason is a freaking tear factory. I've had crazy pregnancy hormones for almost six months, and I've cried less in that time than Jason in one TV appearance. Kleenex should hire him as an official spokesperson.
Octo-Mom — who, at first glace, should be the one bawling her eyes out — seems to remain in a state of eternal, calm bliss. Listen, lady: If Jon and Kate are frazzled over their 8 kids in their $1.3 million dollar home, you should be freaking the hell out right now. She's also reportedly offered to sell the video of her octo-birth to the highest bidder. Um, gross.
Perhaps her recently-departed publicist said it best: "This woman is nuts."
Ya think?
Octo-Mom: 3
Bachelor Dad: 2

Bottom line: Eventually the fervor for The Bachelor will die down – it always does – and for that, we cannot wait. But we anticipate constant updates on Nadya's children/mothering skills/parents/dating life, etc. for years to come – particularly if she keeps getting paid for her stories. Being a media whore has become her meal ticket.
We totally care about the welfare of the children, but good grief. Octo-Mom and the media need a nice, long vacation from one another.

Top 10 Unforgettable Reality TV Moments

2009-03-08T17:46:00.003-04:00

So, we're totally sick of The Bachelor Jason Mesnick and his love triangle of indecision. But it is, perhaps, the most interesting thing to ever happen in the history of the show.... which got us thinking about other reality show happenings that are etched in our memory for all eternity.

We present our Top 10 Unforgettable Reality Show Moments:

10. Vicki gets crushed in the head with a football
If you've ever watched The Real Housewives of Orange County, then you probably think Vicki is totally annoying. Between her incessant "woo-hoos!," the micro-management of her grown children and her obsession with her laptop – even when she's out with friends – it's hard not to want to smack her. So this past season, when she was on a boat with friends and was accidentally smashed in the head with heavy, water-soaked football, we chuckled a little. OK, a lot. It's been a long time coming.

9. Santino channels Tim Gunn
Part of the fun of watching Project Runway is seeing the designers chat/bicker/clown around in the work room. But we think former contestant Santino Rice's dead-on impersonations of mentor Tim Gunn were classic. Santino perfected Tim's speech patterns, enunciation and voice. Highlights: "Where's Andrae?" and his Tim Gunn rendition of Nine Inch Nails' "Closer to God."

8. Ruthie goes to rehab
Today, there are reality shows based on people seeking recovery for their addictions. But usually, watching people get ridiculously drunk on TV has been par for the course. So when housemates on The Real World: Hawaii sent roommate Ruthie to rehab in 1999 after a string of crazy incidents (she had passed out in bars, performed table dances for her boss' wife, required the help of paramedics, etc.), it was a big deal in reality TV history. Probably even a first.

7. Tyra's meltdown
Tyra Banks is known for many things: Looking great in underwear, being a decent entrepreneur and acting goofy to the point of extreme embarrassment. So to see Tyra become completely enraged at an ungrateful, contrary contestant on season four of America's Next Top Model was unforgettable. We've seen less screeching after a Maury Povich paternity test gone bad.

6. Omarosa vs. Janice Dickinson
Well, what else besides war is going to happen when you put two mega-bitch celebrities with huge egos in the same house? Omarosa: "I feel sorry for her children." Janice: "She looks like Rick James' Siamese twin." They called each other crackheads throughout the program, and with their antics, you really didn't even need to see any of the other cast members.

5. Tanisha's wake-up call
After Tanisha's roommates kept her up all night on Bad Girls Club, she got up bright and early, went to the kitchen in her nightgown and got some big, thick baking pans. She then paraded around to all the girls' rooms – who were asleep with hangovers – and smashed the cooking tools together like symbals. "Get the f*** up!! This is what's going to go on all motherf******* day! " Immature? Yes. Worth rewinding? Definitely.

4. Jessica Simpson, Chicken of the Sea
From Newlyweds: Jessica Simpson (to then-hubby Nick Lachey): "Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish? I know it's tuna, but it says chicken. (pause) By the sea. Is that stupid?" (Nick just stares at her, then shakes his head.)
Nick: "You act like you've never had tuna before."
Jessica: "Why is it called chicken by the sea, or in the sea?"
Nick: "Chicken of the Sea is the brand."
Jessica: "Oh .... I read it wrong."

3. Tattooing tales – a tie
Everyone knows that getting spontaneous tattoos after a few drinks is an excellent idea. So tied for third place, we have: Heather from Rock of Love, who tattooed Bret Michaels' name on the back of her neck during a date. (He dumped her soon after, natch.)
And also, three morons from Tool Academy, decided had the show's logo emblazoned on their bodies. The trio of fools ridiculed the one guy who didn't follow suit. His response: "I thought we were supposed to be progressing and not doing toolish things. I think a Tool Academy tattoo is definitely toolish."

2. Mini Me gets naked and pees
After drinking more than an average-sized adult probably should on The Surreal Life, an inebriated Verne Troyer climbs on to his scooter naked, and motors into the exercise room. He pees in the corner on the carpet, and you can totally hear the audio of the urine splashing up off the floor. At one point, in mid-stream, Troyer just stares blankly at the camera man. It's totally disturbing.

1. The legendary loogie
Many classy things went down on Flavor of Love, but perhaps the grossest occurance was the spitball heard round the world. During an elimination round, Pumkin hurled a big, thick lunger at which landed on the face of fellow contestant New York.

Five thoughts for Sunday

2009-03-08T09:20:00.006-04:00

1. Ladies, don't you hate it when, after getting your hair colored, your scalp is so itchy and dry from the scrubbing it gets to efficiently remove all the last remnants of dye? I feel like I'm in a Head & Shoulders commercial, minus the white flecks on the shoulder of my black shirt.

2. Watching TV series on DVD is possibly the best thing I've ever done. Otherwise, there's just no way I'd ever get to watch a million seasons of The Sopranos so long after the series started/ended. (Watch The Wire on DVD if you never did when it was on the air! It's perhaps the best crime drama ever.)

3. Everytime I clean out my keyboard, I am amazed at how freakin' COLD those bottles of compressed air get.

4. Is there anything cuter than two dogs spooning on the couch?

5. Besides his bizarre public masturbation habits, Miles (our cat) also likes to take showers. On weekends, after about 8 a.m., he starts whining for someone to get up and take one. (He's doing that now.)
When he's showering, sometimes he just sticks his head in through the side, other times, he gets into the tub and fully soaks himself. He's been doing for 13 years, since he was a kitten.
Also, for those of you who don't know, Miles also has a buck tooth. Total freak show.

Super-boredom strikes

2009-03-06T22:28:00.003-05:00

Yep, another survey from Facebook. I'm officially almost as big an asshole as David Caruso for even filling this out ... on a Friday night, no less.

Three Other Names I have been called:
1. Maze
2. Hotts or Hottie (my friend Elana calls me these)
3. Slut or pussy (Terms of endearment with some of my other girlfriends. We like to swear. So what?)

Three jobs I have had in my life:
1. Hardware slinger
2. Jockstrap launderer at a fitness club
3. Babysitter of bubble skirts and mega-bangles (current)

Three Places I have lived:
1. Salem, OR
2. Freeport, IL
3. Spokane, WA

Three TV shows that I watch:
1. True Blood
2. Big Love
3. United States of Tara

Three places I have been:
1. Tulum, Mexico
2. Mount Rushmore
3. Dominican Republic

Three of my favorite foods:
1. Spicy red pepper hummus
2. Scallops
3. Cupcakes

Three people I think will respond:
1. Bored
2. Boreder
3. Boredest

Three things I am looking forward to:
1. Finishing a fiction novel
2. Maternity leave from work
3. Raising a son that doesn't behave like he was raised by wolves, video games or TV.

Three things that aggravate you:
1. When there aren't enough yellow and green pieces in a box of Dots
2. 80 percent of people
3. Bangs in my eyes

Three musicians/bands you could listen to forever:
1. Prince
2. A Tribe Called Quest
3. Wu-Tang Clan

Three things you want to do better:
1. Stick to an exercise routine
2. Read instead of watching crappy TV shows
3. Own plants without killing them

Shootings, missing money and death by cupcakes

2009-03-06T20:05:00.004-05:00

Today, as I stood in one of my work parking lots with my friend/collegue, Reem, this uplifting situation was going on in another Courier-Journal parking lot across the street. How freakin' depressing.

(And yes, I just linked to my husband's job's website because ours hasn't been updated with any current information since before noon, even though this happened on our property.)

So anyway, the guy died underneath one of my co-worker's SUVs. I bet she had fun driving home tonight.

Also, the hubs and me have been expecting our income tax refund -- the one with our awesome first-time homebuyer's deductions -- for weeks now. When it didn't drop in again today, we called the IRS to check in. They said they hadn't even received our tax return yet. Apparently, some filing glitch happened along the way. I'm having to take furlough days without pay and we're trying to put together a nursery! I want the extra dough now!

Finally, I left work early today because I was having a lot of pain in a scar that I have from a botched surgery from years ago. I also felt a little sad, so when I got home, I ate some bite-sized, frosted brownies from Whole Foods. And by "some," I mean six. The baby needs frosting to grow big and strong!

Now, I have a different, frosting-overload-related stomach pain.

Tomorrow is my much-needed haircut/color/eyebrow arch, however, so I expect to feel like a new person. A new, happy person who only eats two mini-cupcakes at a time instead of six. Also, I should exercise.

Happy Friday!

Five Questions

2009-03-05T18:38:00.003-05:00

1. Is it warped to wish herpes or explosive diarrhea upon people who piss you off if you immediately feel guilty about having the thought?

2. When the HGTV people redo a kitchen in a half-hour show, why do I think I can do the same thing with the same results?

3. Do you think that '24' has the smallest wardrobe allowance of any other television show? Those people wear the same clothes in every episode. (A whole season is only a day long, after all.)

4. Who are bigger assholes: People who always wear sunglasses inside and at night? Or folks who feel the need to throw a peace sign (or some other hand signal) in every, single photograph?

5. Am I shallow for believing that my mood will improve 200 percent at 9:30 a.m. Saturday, when I am getting a much-needed haircut and color? I feel raggedy.

TV Throwdown: Kim Kardashian vs.Paris Hilton

2009-03-02T16:10:00.005-05:00

Oh, to be famous for having no talent whatsoever. It can score you loads of publicity, modeling contracts and even your own reality show. And no two Hollywood lovelies fit the no-skills-besides-being-pretty decription better than former best friends Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian.
So with a new season of "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" slated for 10 p.m.
Sunday on E!, and Paris' "My New BFF" in the not-so-distant rearview mirror, it seemed like the perfect time for a celebrity catfight...TV Throwdown style.

"ACTING"
Kim has one Razzie award nomination for her supporting role in "Disaster Movie." But since 2006, Paris has won four Razzies: two worst supporting actress, one worst actress and one for worst screen couple. Kim has a lot more on-screen damage to do before she catches up, so she wins this round.
Kim: 1
Paris: 0

HAIRDOS
Call me shallow, but hair -- especially on two young celebs -- is important. While both ladies appear to use extensions from time to time, Paris scores points for actually changing her look, and earns extra credit for each of those looks being flattering. As a celeb, Kim probably has the funds to do whatever she wants with her tresses, but never seems to stray from her long, flowy locks. Kim has hair, but Paris has hair style.
Kim: 1
Paris: 1

FASHION SENSE
Man, I don't know. Kim's curve-hugging ensembles range from semi-classy to overly-boobalicious. She has such a beautiful shape; classic hourglass figures are so rare these days among all the praying mantis-type Hollywood physiques. But sometimes, more (clothing) is ... more.
Bless her scrawny, bird-legged little heart, but has there been a time when Paris wore something that was long enough to graze her knees? Her too-short frocks often reveal her preference for going commando. No panties in the tabloids = major fashion faux pas. Also, she topped Mr. Blackwell's worst-dressed list in 2003. And finally, it's hard for me to trust a person whose thighs don't touch.
Kim: 2
Paris: 1

SEX TAPE SCANDALS
Both ladies noticed a sharp rise in fame after being featured in sex tapes. Since we have no desire to see said videos, we'll judge this category on their romping partners.
Paris' dude, Rick Salomon, was best-known for being married to Shannen Doherty. Kim's accomplice, Ray-J, was famous for being R&B singer Brandy's little brother. Way to go, ladies! You'd think if you were going to tape sex, it'd be with someone awesome like Brad Pitt or Denzel Washington. There are no winners here.
Kim: 2
Paris: 1

REALITY SHOWS
With a bizarre menagerie of family members (which includes her "I Still Think I'm 30" mother, Kris; her over-plastic surgeried step-dad, Bruce Jenner; and constantly-bickering-then-making-up siblings), "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" is rarely packed with filler.
We found "The Simple Life" installations fairly entertaining. However, as hard as we tried, we couldn't make it through a single episode of Paris' "My New BFF." I mean, Paris is supposed to be a celebrity, but she's shopping for a new best friend via a reality show cast? Really? Still, Paris has a slew of reality shows under her belt, so someone must want to watch her.
Kim: 2
Paris: 2

FRIENDS
It's no wonder Paris is searching for a new best friend. She's had public feuds with several of her former besties, including Nicole Ritchie and Kardashian. On an L.A. radio show, Paris said "I would not want (Kim's butt) -- it's gross. It reminds me of cottage cheese inside a big trash bag." We have no recollection of Kim making any disparaging public remarks about her friends, unless provoked. Her response to Paris' remark: "I don't really care. At least I have a butt." Touche.
But Paris goes through friends like most people herself not included go through underwear (herself not included). Who wants walk on eggshells like that?
Kim: 3
Paris: 2

Bottom line: Paris too often comes off as a self-serving, back-stabbing rich girl that makes few contributions to society. (And no, her horrible go at singing doesn't count, even if it was pure comedy.) It's not like Kim is curing cancer or anything, but at least she knows more words than "that's hot." Overall, Kim seems more humble and likeable as a person. Plus, I like big butts and I can not lie.

Disturbia

2009-02-28T00:33:00.002-05:00

Five Disturbing Things That Are On My Mind:

1. Signs in each of our bathroom stalls at work recently popped up, and I don't even want to think about what prompted them. They say something like, "If you have an accident, please clean it up as best you can for the next person."

What the fuck does this mean? That grown women cannot manage to do their business in the toilet? So often that a sign is required? Man, people are nasty.

2. I am a turtle. The more pregnant I get, the harder it is for me to get up from a reclining position without rolling around a bunch to gather enough momentum. If the phone rings and it's across the room, I probably won't get there before voice mail picks up. It sucks.

3. New iPod. I'm freakin' obsessed with it! Sadly, much of the music we had on our computer was lost some years ago when an apartment flood wiped it out. So I've been ripping CDs like a madperson and organizing my tunes like a champ. It's so much better than my old mp3 player! I recently got a voice mail from my best friend, Wendy: "You haven't called me back. Are you all cracked out on that iPod?!" Um, yes.

4. My cat is masturbating right this minute. I mean, get a room, Miles. Geez.

5. The Rocky Mountain News published its last issue today. A very well-done, but sad, video called "Final Edition" is posted here. I will no longer complain about the puny raises we get this year (1 percent or so), which are more than negated by the furlough days we're being forced to take. At least I still get a paycheck.

Celebrity Apprentice Dream Team

2009-02-23T20:18:00.015-05:00

When the cast for The Celebrity Apprentice 2 (premieres 9 p.m. Sunday on NBC) was announced, I felt pretty 'meh' about it. A few notable and current names are on board -- Joan Rivers, for instance -– but in most cases, the program easily be called Long Lost Celebrities Are Out Of Work And Need Exposure. But that's kind of a long title, so I'll forgive NBC for trying to make it more user-friendly.

Anyway, I realize people like Angelina Jolie and Sean Penn have bigger fish to fry than to appear on this show. But isn't there a happy medium somewhere? That's why we've come up with 10 stars we'd like to see on The Celebrity Apprentice.

Rosie O'Donnell
Yeah, yeah, I know about her history with host Donald Trump. But being a successful business person depends on one's ability to broker deals with people, even if you hate their guts. Rosie's an accomplished actress and talk show host, but she's also showed some entrepreneurial fortitude in writing, starring in and co-producing the Lifetime movie America (which premieres at 9 p.m. Saturday on the network). Also, her participation on this show, years after her huge public blowout with The Donald, would make it infinitely interesting.

Kanye West
While immensely talented, this man is known for throwing a fit when he doesn't win every music award for which he's nominated. His tantrums would make for some good television, but the process also might teach him some much-needed humility as well.

Paula Abdul
With the addition of Kara DioGuardi to American Idol, there has been speculation that crazy Paula might be out of a job soon. If she won, perhaps they could give her a real job, instead of donating money to her charity? Just sayin'.

Tina Fey
She's smart enough to win and creative enough to give an interesting twist to challenges. Plus, a sharp mind and quick wit certainly go a long way when dealing with people. Also, with 30 Rock she's already in bed with NBC. Certainly they could lend her to another show for a bit.

Spencer Pratt
We hate to acknowledge that this prickly layabout is even a celebrity, but he's higher on the fame food chain than current Apprentice contestants like poker player Annie Duke or Playboy Playmate Brande Roderick. We nominate him because he's able to sell his b.s. to his fiancée, Heidi Montag, all day and night. But does he have enough motivation, pull and persuasion skills to come out on top? Either way, we'd love to actually see this guy work for once.

Michael Phelps
You know, we're really tired of hearing about the horror of this incredible Olympic athlete taking a couple of bong hits. (Sheesh -- he just won 8 Olympic gold medals! Give the guy a break.) So, we'd love to see him redeem his public reputation on this show, so that his recent scandal can quietly be swept under the rug.

Kiefer Sutherland
Kiefer has said in interviews that filming 24 is ridiculously stressful. But on the show, he's charged with solving problems in record time and coming up with alternatives when Plan A goes awry. Let's see how much the actor has learned from his character.

Tim Gunn
Honestly, this choice is for my own personal satisfaction. If Project Runway remains in limbo forever, how will I get my Tim Gunn fix? Surely, he knows how these reality contests operate. He could make it work.

Whoopi Goldberg
Before she was famous, Whoopi worked as bricklayer and at a funeral parlor, so she's had "real jobs" before. Besides adding a level head and comic relief to the contest, Whoopi is confident an Improv genius, making her adaptable to any speed bump that comes her way. Her laid-back personality practically ensures she won't come unglued and make an ass of herself. That's nice to see in celebrities sometimes.

Bridget Marquardt
No celeb reality show is complete without a woman who's graced the pages of Playboy. But of The Girls Next Door, Bridget is the one who also boasts a brain behind her giggly exterior. She's got a bachelor's degree in public relations, a masters on communications and is working on another master's degree in broadcast journalism. Plus, she loves horror movies, so seeing Trump's hair in person shouldn't phase her one bit.

TV Throwdown: The Bachelor Vs. Rock Of Love Bus

2009-02-18T21:55:00.003-05:00

Oh, how we love a "showmance." They happen on reality TV all the time, but are always that much more entertaining when people set out to find love in an abbreviated time period in front of millions. Which brings us to two programs we've been watching lately: The Bachelor and Rock of Love Bus.

So, why not pit them against each other in The Most Dramatic TV Throwdown Ever?!

Bachelors:
Jason's hair isn't great, but at least it's real. Bret has a more engaging personality and a sense of humor. A date with Jason is a snooze, but at least he's ready to settle down with one woman and not have groupie sex on the side. Bret thinks a genital piercing is a really great gift, which is only a little bit more gross than the ill-fated breakdancing moves Jason showed off during an early episode.
So, the question is this: Would you rather be with someone ho-hum who won't cheat? Or somebody who likes to laugh, but may bring home the clap?
One vote for boring! I'd rather upgrade my Netflix subscription than have a lifetime supply of penicillin.

The Bachelor: 1
Rock of Love Bus: 0

The Suitors:
I'm embarrassed for the women on The Bachelor when they start blubbering and shedding actual tears about being in love after having spent approximately 20 minutes with Jason. The "ladies" on ROLB do the same thing, but also engage in myriad personal humiliations that include, but are not limited to: Regularly getting drunk enough to throw up; wearing skanky Frederick's of Hollywood lingerie as outerwear; and making profound statements like "I'm not hanging out with anyone who wears brown lip gloss!"

The Bachelor: 2
Rock of Love Bus: 0

Show format:
There is absolutely no reason the Bachelor needs to be two hours long every week. They spend at least half an hour playing flashbacks that happened 10 minutes prior, and then they show interviews where the people recap what you have just viewed. It's a colossal waste of time. Note to producers: Jason might not seem so boring if we saw him in shorter snippets.
ROLB moves along swiftly. Bret subjects his suitors to humiliating challenges to win dates; he goes on said dates; a breast or two is usually exposed at some point; a slutty catfight breaks out, and then it's on to the elimination. All in one hour. Aaaand, we have a winner.

The Bachelor: 2
Rock of Love Bus: 1

Cliches:
Each week, The Bachelor promises "The Most Shocking/Dramatic/Intense Rose Ceremony Ever!!" And if I had a quarter for every time someone used the words "amazing" or "journey" or "amazing journey," I could totally quit my day job right now. Get a thesaurus, people.
On the other hand, Rock of Love Bus is packed with other lame cliches, including Bret's standard "keeper" line at the elimination ceremony: "Will you stay on tour and continue to rock my world?" Also, I think I've heard the song "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" more times on the Rock of Love installations than I ever did in the 1980s.
But The Bachelor has had nearly 20 seasons where presumably educated people overuse "amazing" and "journey." Overkill.

The Bachelor: 2
Rock of Love Bus: 2

Dates:
Bret has taken his dates on riverboat rides, hay rides and picnics. A dream date consists of going to work with him (watching one of his shows at a random bar), then hanging out with a bunch of douches backstage. It's not that glamorous, but at least those are things that a normal couple might do, minus "take your girlfriend to work day."
Jason has taken his dates to private concerts, on spontaneous trips to Las Vegas and on shopping sprees. But for a guy who's supposed to be single father, do you really think these dates are par for the course? Hellz to the no. When the Bachelor isn't footing the bill, these ladies are going to be having dinner at The Old Spaghetti Factory, picking up after Ty and calling their moms so they have someone interesting to talk to.
So, the ladies on Rock of Love Bus are probably getting a slightly more realistic view of their futures.

The Bachelor: 2
Rock of Love Bus: 3

Bottom line: Nobody really expects these shows to produce real relationships, which means we're only watching to be entertained. Rock of Love Bus may make you cringe, but at least there's never a dull moment.

Survivor Vs. The Amazing Race

2009-02-08T20:24:00.006-05:00

TV Throwdown: Survivor Vs. The Amazing Race

This week marks the return of two successful reality shows that make me really happy to be a couch potato. I like adventure and all, but usually in much smaller doses than are offered by Survivor (the Tocantins installation premieres Thursday at 8 p.m. on CBS) or The Amazing Race (premieres Sunday at 8 p.m., also on CBS).

Each has more than ten seasons under its belt, and I thought it was high time the programs themselves were subjected to some sort of competition: A TV Throwdown.

AMENITIES
On Survivor, contestants may win a fabulous meal, but it will then give them explosive diarrhea after having noshed on rice and minnows for days on end. They have to build their own shelter, go find water -- and hey, are they even allowed to bring a "luxury item" anymore?
Competitors on The Amazing Race get to stay in hotels and get cleaned up in between their grueling challenges, in addition to winning prizes. Sure, they are always on the go, but changing your underwear and shaving your armpits are not things to take for granted.
Survivor: 0
Amazing Race: 1

ADVENTURES
Granted, AR folks don't get to explore their new territories with leisure. Since they're being timed, they get the extreme Cliff's Notes version of each country's culture. Still, that's much more invigorating and educational that spending all your days getting eaten alive by mosquitoes, plotting against people, and fantasizing about shampoo, toothbrushes and Chik-Fil-A sandwiches.
Survivor: 0
Amazing Race: 2

DRAMA
Two different kinds of drama unfold on these shows. On AR, the teams are on a strict schedule and teammates inevitably have skirmishes about how to most efficiently proceed with the task at hand. But even when they fight, at the end of the day, they always have someone who is on their side. (However, an already fragile relationship could be forever marred in a high-pressure situation like this.)
Survivor contestants have nothing but time on their hands which often leads to paranoid delusions, and also allows for teammates to grate on each other's last nerve. Tribe members constantly turn on each other. And half the time, when someone is voted off, the ousted member is completely taken by surprise.
Survivor: 1
Amazing Race: 2

HISTORY
Now entering its 18th season, Survivor certainly wasn't the first reality show, but it was pretty much the first of its kind: A program that put contestants in seemingly impossible situations, pitting them against each other for a cash prize. When Survivor first started in 2000, the premise was so unusual, it was the water cooler topic at many jobs.
The Amazing Race, which premiered in 2001, offered another fresh reality concept and exciting, edge-of-your-seat premise. And while it seems to have surpassed Survivor in popularity and critical acclaim (AR has 11 Primetime Emmys to Survivor's three), we have to give the edge to the show that spawned so many imitators.
Survivor: 2
Amazing Race: 2

BENEFITS
If you're a Survivor contestant, chances are you're doing to drop at least 20 pounds and get a rockin' tan. Sure, you might be malnourished, but hey, who can complain about looking great in a (smaller) sun dress at the finale?
On The Amazing Race, you can rack up the passport stamps and become a lot more worldly. Plus, any future travel to foreign countries will probably seem like a breeze in comparison. You're also likely to get into better shape because of all the running around and stiff physical challenges.
Survivor: 2
Amazing Race: 3

Bottom line: The tribe has spoken. We have much respect for our elders, but sometimes the pioneers pave the way for bigger and better things down the line. The Amazing Race is truly amazing.

Love Is In The Air: The Best and Worst TV Couples

2009-02-08T14:53:00.007-05:00

Valentine's Day is upon us, and it's a holiday about which I feel conflicted. On one hand, it's grossly over-commercialized and filled with pressure. But on the other, it is nice to celebrate your significant other – and I have no complaints about flowers and candy, even if they are a little cliche.

So to celebrate my wishy-washiness about Cupid's big day, I'm highlighting five TV relationships (from still-airing programs) that seem destined for success, and five that give love a bad name.

I love:

Tara and Max, United States of Tara
As this series is new, we're still seeing their relationship unfold, but the back story is that Max and Tara have been married for almost 20 years. And while they have their speed bumps (see: her multiple personalities, Buck, T and Alice), their bond has clearly been strong enough to perservere. They have the same struggles as any other long time couple, but seem committed to making it work.

Dwight and Angela, The Office.
Jim and Pam are sweet, but boring. The best thing about Dwight and Angela is that they're both anal nerds at heart, but also have no problem shagging on company time every now and then. Plus, their whole dynamic together is so awkward that it seems like a perfect fit. I want them to officially get back together.

Sookie and Bill, True Blood.
From the first time they met, you could sense the connection between telepathic Sookie and vampire Bill. Yes, he's robbing the cradle, he bites Sookie during sex and isn't readily available for brunch dates. But he also regularly saves her life and appears to be pretty good in the sack. This is the ultimate bad-boy, good girl coupling.

Bill, Barb, Nikki and Margene, Big Love
Obviously, polygamy isn't for everyone. But this foursome have better, more functional relationships than many duos we know in real life. They work together and are unconditionally supportive of each other. Plus, there's always someone around to watch the kids, clean the house, make dinner and have sex with Bill. Sometimes one lady doesn't feel up to doing all of those things in one night.

Tom and Lynette, Desperate Housewives
It would have been easy for Tom and Lynette to call it quits, what with their ever-changing careers, hell-on-wheels children, the neighborhood drama and the stress of Lynette's cancer. But in the mess that is Wisteria Lane, the Scavos always find a way to make it work and be the most stable, loving couple on the block.

I loathe:

Izzie and Denny's ghost, Grey's Anatomy
Izzie's affair with her dead lover may or may not be a figment of her imagination, but it's still among the worst storylines ever. I don't even watch this show anymore, but have still heard about this plot a million times and nobody seems to like it. Ghost sex is not romantic, it's creepy.

Kath and Phil,Kath and Kim
Sure, we chuckle when they do their speed walking exercise routine together, but these two social misfits and their gross PDA are just too nauseating to watch. There's someone for everyone, but these two should be hidden away.

Christian and Liz, Nip/Tuck
Surely, this story line can't have much traction, but I hate even watching it play out. I wouldn't wish Christian upon anyone, especially not a lesbian taking her first foray into hetero relations in years. Liz is way too good for this egomaniacal womanizer, and no matter how strong she is, her heart and pride are bound to end up in tatters.

Larry and Cheryl, Curb Your Enthusiasm
Speaking of too good, what can Cheryl possibly see in Larry? He's a selfish, bumbling, insensitive man – and, let's face it, he's not winning any beauty contests, either. Their separation last season added some realistic depth to the show. I love both characters, but I'm glad they're not together.

Silas and neighbor lady, Weeds
Show of hands: Who else is grossed out by 17-year-old Silas mounting the older, MILF, sandwich lady in a room full of weed and cold cuts? Not only is it unsanitary, it's kinda depraved. Silas has obvious mommy issues because his own madre is so emotionally unavailable.

Rock of Love Bus is a Ride to Hell

2009-02-01T15:22:00.000-05:00

I'll be honest: I am no stranger to terrible, trashy reality TV shows. I watched Flavor of Love and Rock of Love, both seasons of Bad Girls Club; Stylista, and both seasons of Charm School, which resurrected skanks from FOL and ROL and attempted to teach them manners and pride.

And that's just for starters.

I do love quality TV programs, too, but truth be told, I have no pride about what I watch. Because of that, I was shocked – no, make that floored – that a reality show was still able to unnerve me.

But thanks to Bret Michaels and his Rock of Love Bus (9 p.m. Sundays, VH1), I've considered squeezing gallons of hand sanitizer into my eyes and ears every week.

First of all, was it really necessary to film a third installation of Bret Michaels' search for love? I'm sure there are tons of nasty groupies at his concerts, so finding a skank to take home to mother surely can't be that difficult. It's not like he's looking for love with a doctor, or a lawyer, or some other upstanding professional that just doesn't have time to date around.

Anyway, here are some things that have happened in the first four installations of the show:

1. In the opening episode, one contestant inserted a shot of liquor, served in a test tube, someplace that it didn't belong. It's a good thing alcohol kills bacteria because another woman drank the shot from its, um, holder.

2. Another woman performed for Bret a self-written rap song, which she penned on the back of genital disease information sheets about herpes and gonorrhea.

3. When Bret planned mock weddings in episode two, he asked the "ladies" to write vows and bring him a gift. One woman vowed: "I promise to cook you the best, rockin' food, and to never, ever wear panties." Another woman's gift: A piece of jewelry that she had removed from a body piercing; she invited him to replace it at a later date.

4. At one point, a contestant got so drunk that she threw up – just moments before making out with Bret. His reaction: He said her kisses tasted like tequila, Doritos and "some other familiar taste.... It was the best Dorito I've ever tasted."

5. During a recent episode, Bret told the ladies to "dress to impress." On most shows, this would mean pulling out your finest nice evening gown, a little black dress, or perhaps a sun dress. On ROL Bus, it means "put on your sluttiest lingerie and then stop getting dressed." They all showed up in public wearing pleather maid's uniforms, child-sized underwear and the like.

6. The irony of the above situation, is that they were showing up to a challenge in which they'd have to act as roadies, breaking down all the band's equipment in a timed contest. When one lady took a really brutal fall backwards off the stage, she immediately gets back up and kept working even though she was in obvious pain. Her teammates are totally supportive and sympathetic: "Bret's a rock star, and if you want to date a rock star, you better get used to falling off the stage, bitch!"

And seriously, people, these are just a few highlights. All the stuff in between is just as hairball. Can you believe this is running on a regular cable station? I've seen less offensive stuff on pay-per-view.

Let's discuss.

I'm Sick Of Watching Divorce Court

2009-01-30T11:06:00.002-05:00

I am ill.

There are 130 tissues in a box of Kleenex with lotion. I have used two full boxes since Tuesday and my hubs just went to get me more. I have watched about 30 episodes of Divorce Court, several terrible Lifetime movies and tried to read a Dr. Seuss book to the baby in my stomach but it gave me a headache after four pages.

I am totally lucky to have power and heat, as much of the city doesn't after a huge snow/ice storm. But I'm still feeling sorry for myself today. I'd much rather be at work or traipsing around in snow and ice than feeling like a bag of shit for the fifth day in a row.

Woe is me. Please, antibiotics, start working soon.

The Hills Vs. The City

2009-01-25T14:33:00.006-05:00

It was only a matter of time before we ended up comparing The City to The Hills.

After all, Whitney Port spent several years as Lauren Conrad's co-worker and friend before she branched out to New York and scored her own TV show. As a fan of Whitney (come on, she was easily the most put together cast member of The Hills), I was looking forward to her being the star of her own show. Plus, she had a job in fashion in New York. What's not to love?

As it turns out, a lot. It's just as annoying as The Hills can be, but for different reasons. Let's compare:

Love to hate characters: OK, so The Hills has Spencer Pratt, one of the biggest "reality" TV villains ever. During the first episode of The City, it seemed like Olivia was going to be an irritating, elitist witch, what with her million pairs of Manolos and fancy dinner parties. But so far, she's turned out to be sort of benign, if not boring.
She simply cannot compare to Spencer, who treats Heidi like crap, makes her mother cry and has that ridiculous, rodent-pelt growing from his face. And, we have a winner!
The Hills: 1
The City: 0

Conversation skills: On The City, all the characters manage to speak in complete sentences. Granted, their conversations might be a snoozefest, but at least they don't all break off mid-sentence.
Lauren and company are boring as well, but they also communicate as though they took a giant, mind-erasing bong hit in the middle of a thought, ie: "I can't decide if I should talk to Audrina, or ..."
So.... we'd rather talk to Whitney or Erin, thanks.
The Hills: 1
The City: 1

Crying: Between Lauren, Audrina and Stephanie, mascara tears are probably shed on nearly every episode of The Hills. Lauren gets upset when Audrina is too busy to ask her leading questions about her life. Audrina weeps over Justin Bobby. And Stephanie is generally unstable, although being related to Spencer is reason enough to cry on a regular basis.
But so far, we haven't seen Whit or her pals shed any tears. Maybe they're too busy working and/or maintaining a small shred of personal dignity. Chalk one up for The City.
Hills: 1
The City: 2

Scandals: The Hills has had several seasons to get a head start on this category. There was the infamous sex tape scandal; as well as small skirmishes, such Lauren's splintering friendships with (choose one) Heidi/Audrina/Stephanie; and former friends turned enemies, Spencer vs. Brody.
So far, the biggest scandals we've seen on The City have been Adam kissing another woman while his girl was out of town; Whitney leaving work to go look at an apartment; and Olivia's cousin getting a ticket for spitting in public.
Hey, guess what? I got a parking ticket last week, left work early on Friday and I'm pregnant! My life is officially more exciting than anyone's in The City... and I can't even drink alcohol right now.
The Hills: 2
The City: 2

I officially declare this battle a draw.

Bottom line: Is there really a victor in a contest of banal reality (cough*scripted*cough) shows? The City's cast features slightly more likeable people, so if I were forced to choose friends, it'd probably be them. But for entertainment purposes, I'd rather watch The Hills. I may say that I hate Spencer and the crying, but it sure passes the time better than watching Whitney go to non-lunches with co-workers, or seeing Olivia teeter down the street in sky-high heels.

25 Things

2009-01-24T09:12:00.006-05:00

So, I've been tagged to post "25 random things about myself" on Facebook, like, 8 times. And finally, I am bored enough to do it. But I won't post it there, because I'll feel too lame (in front of the people I barely know but are my "friends"). So I'm doing it here instead.

Feel free to ignore.

1. If I could get up early enough to make them, I would eat tamales or enchiladas for breakfast at least once a week.

2. I only thought I'd live in Louisville for a few years. April will make six years.

3. I sometimes wonder what my natural hair color is. But not enough to stop coloring it.

4. It may or may not be true, but I think astrology can explain a lot about a person.

5. Shoes are my weakness.

6. Lately, I've had a couple of dreams that Michelle Obama and I are friends, and we go shopping together at J. Crew.

7. Every time I buy a Powerball ticket, I'm positive that I will win.

8. The teenager in me would have never believed this, but I now hate talking on the phone.

9. It's so cold at my job, I usually huddle underneath a pink Hello Kitty blanket at my desk.

10. I watch Young & The Restless every night at 7 p.m. on SoapNet.

11. Mayonnaise, mushrooms and black licorice make me shudder.

12. Vacuuming and folding laundry are my two favorite household chores.

13. Converting over to one of those flat wallets changed my life.

14. I'm happiest when I'm wearing a dress and heels.

15. I have at least 50 shades of eyeshadow, maybe more.

16. It pisses me off when I can't sleep past 7:30 on weekends. Why do you wake me up, body? WHY?

17. I love the Golden Girls. I watch them a lot when I go to bed at night.

18. The heated seats in my car almost make winter bearable.

19. I wonder why so many people in Louisville are absolutely incapable of posing for any photo without flashing a peace sign or some "I'm the shit" look on their face. Is it a regional thing, or are they just idiots?

20. I hate that I live so far away from so many of my close girlfriends.

21. The two best Christmas presents I have ever received are: My dog, Lucy, and my GPS, which saves me untold amounts of gas and miles on my car.

22. I just ate some cereal and it wasn't very satisfying. Should have had toast instead.

23. Unless I want to cry, I have to change the channel when I see sad news stories about animals -- or when that ASPCA commericial with Sarah McLachlan comes on.

24. I'm starting to get some ADD writing this list. Ten things would have been plenty.

25. I'm counting down the days until the return of my favorite Sunday night shows: True Blood, Dexter and Mad Men.

TV Throwdown: Hank Moody Vs. Jimmy McNulty

2009-01-17T21:46:00.003-05:00

I recently finished watching the entire series of The Wire, via Netflix. All the while, the functional drunkenness of Detective Jimmy McNulty reminded me of another TV character, but I couldn't put my finger on it until last week. Then it hit me: McNulty is like the cop version of Californication's Hank Moody, a boozing, pot-smoking, womanizing writer.

So, they seemed like a perfect match-up for a TV Throwdown. Bottoms up!

Functionality while under the influence: When Hank drinks, he "accidentally" has sex with other women, including the "mouth raping" encounter during the most recent season.

McNulty does the same, but he also drives home every time, endangering the lives of others. Also, McNulty is an incredibly sloppy drunk – so much that we can't imagine why women would still sleep with him when he can't even walk. Gross.

Hank: 1

McNulty: 0

Fathering skills: Hank and McNulty both love their kids, though they could both be much more attentive. Still, when McNulty left his young boys alone in the middle of the night to go get laid, that was just too much.

Now that Karen is moving to New York, Hank is about to have full custody of Becca – and their relationship is a close one. That shows more responsibility than we see coming from McNulty.

Hank: 2

McNulty: 0

Work ethic: When they're inspired, both men are pretty much the best at what they do. McNulty is one of the most talented murder and major crimes police to ever have worked in Baltimore. He has a natural instinct, and doesn't let anything (including bosses or rules) get in the way of solving a case.

Hank is a brilliant, best-selling writer, but has several stretches of writer's block (read: unemployment) under his belt.

Hank: 2

McNulty:1

Relationship potential: Is there really any relationship potential with two serial cheaters? I think these guys love their women as much as they're capable of loving a person. But their dipsticks run the show, so nobody wins.

Hank: 2

McNulty: 1

Personal hygiene: Let's be real: Both of these guys can appear incredibly disheveled.

When McNulty was working on the (bogus) serial killer case in season five, he sometimes went days without taking showers. He went to work, then on a bender at night, then home with some random woman, and then would return to work – in the same clothes – reeking of sex and alcohol. Three days in a row. Shudder.

While Hank doesn't have a great variety in his wardrobe (his closet must be filled with black t-shirts and jeans), you can never see the fumes rising from his body like Pig Pen in the Peanuts. He may not always be clean-shaven, but he's usually clean.

Hank: 3

McNulty: 1

Bottom line: Both Hank and McNulty have tried to stop drinking, but we think Hank has the most potential to lead a relatively normal life. Especially now that he's got Becca to look out for. If that won't make a man grow up, nothing will.

I Pledge Allegiance To The United States Of Tara

2009-01-14T21:04:00.006-05:00

In general theory, the title character for Showtime's new black comedy United States of Tara (which premieres at 10 p.m. Sunday) reminds me a little bit of Nancy Botwin from Weeds.

They're both suburban moms with seemingly ordinary lives – and they both have more to them than meets the eye. Tara (Toni Collette) has dissociative identity disorder, better known as multiple personalities; and Nancy, of course, is a widow who started selling weed to support her family.

And at first, both situations are portrayed as kind of quaint. Oh, look at Nancy try to sell a baggie of weed at the college – tee hee! Oh look, someone that looks a lot like mom just dropped the c-word and made vulgar hand gestures at the dinner table – how funny!

Well, the wheels have fallen off Nancy's seemingly innocent ride over the seasons, and we expect to see more tangible effects of Tara's condition as well. But the season premiere of Tara is nothing like the typical dark, depressing portrayals of multiple personalities (Sybil comes to mind). It's fairly lighthearted, funny and incredibly endearing. And let's face it, with Academy Award winning creator Diablo Cody (Juno) and executive producer Steven Spielberg at the helm, it's destined for greatness.

In the first installment of the show, we meet two of Tara's alter egos, which present themselves when Tara is faced with stressful situations that, for some reason, she can't handle herself.

T is a foul-mouthed, weed smokin', sexually charged teenager who wears black nail polish, has a MySpace page and doesn't care that lingerie are meant to be worn underneath clothes.

Buck is a male, gun-toting, redneck bigot with a preference for trucker hats, ratty jeans and porn. A Vietnam vet, Buck has a tendency toward violence and is easily provoked.

A third personality – Alice, a prudish, 1960s-era homemaker – appears in later episodes.

I can't imagine another actress pulling this off quite like Collette, who seamlessly brings each distinct personality to life. Four different actresses couldn't do it better; she is simply brilliant in this multi-faceted role.

But of course, Tara's constant changes do shake things up for her husband, Max (John Corbett), and teenage kids, Kate (Brie Larson) and Marshall (Keir Gilchrist). Think about it: Most teenagers are pretty much embarrassed by anything their parents do, so having the added pressure of Buck showing up at your ballet recital or Alice at a meeting with your teacher would definitely raise the angst level.

"Why can't mom just be manic depressive like all the other moms?," Kate laments in the first episode.

Still, the family unit here is strong – Tara included, when she's around – and all of them handle the changes with grace and sympathy. Max and Tara have been married 17 years, and he's able to keep things "normal" as different personalities show up for different occasions. Max's warm personality and obvious adoration for his wife are obvious, even early on.

The one sticking point is Tara's sister, Charmaine (Rosemarie DeWitt), who pooh-poohs the idea that Tara has a disease. Instead, Charmaine implies that she's making it up.

But if Charmaine were around when Buck was dispensing this, er, wise advice to Kate ("You don't want to go makin' no babies until you're 16 and can support ‘em"), she might be more willing to believe.

Showtime has another hit on its hands with Tara, and I'm certainly looking forward to getting to know her (and T, Buck and Alice) a lot better.

The City: Pop Quiz

2009-01-12T23:32:00.001-05:00

The latest installment of The City was so boring and so predictable, we bet any regular Hills or City fan can pass the following pop quiz, even if you didn't tune in. So let's get on with it, shall we?

1. When Whitney toils away at work, what does that entail?
A) Gossiping with co-workers, discussing her lack of a real relationship over blaring music a DVF event and occasionally making sure mannequins do not remain naked.
B) Dressing mannequins and answering phones with sprinkled with a small bit of gossiping during her breaks.

2. In The City, what is a social?
A) A planned event that people attend.
B) A socialite. "It's, like, an abbreviation." – Olivia.
C) A synonym for going to work.
D) B and C

3. After Erin gushed about her and Duncan's "I love you" exchange last week, how does she react when Duncan says he wants to move to New York to further their relationship?
A) With dismay. She wants their relationship to remain long-distance, because it's always best to be miles away from the one you love.
B) "OK, but if you plan to sleep on my pillowcases ever again, you have to wash your hair at least once a week."
C). "Hopefully we can watch ‘The Sound of Music' or ‘Titanic' every night!"

4. Is Erin most likely going to be a slut?
A) Yes.
B) Yes.
C) Yes.

5. Why does Whitney goes out to lunch with a male co-worker, Chris?
A) To boost her ego.
B) To try and make Jay jealous.
C) Because "it's my life, it's my time."

6. Out of the five different meal scenes that were shown, how many times is someone actually seen chewing on, or eating food?
A) 5
B) 2
C) 1

7. When Jay munched on his chips and swilled his beer during dinner with Whitney, it made you...
A) Hungry
B) Thirsty
C) Hungry and thirsty
D) Thankful you don't have to see more people eating on this show.

8. When Whitney is talking to Erin about her uncertain future with Jay, she wonders "Why won't he communicate with me?" What is the correct response to this?
A) "Because he's sick of beating a dead horse."
B) "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus."
C) "What's communication? I thought we were just on this show to look cute, push our food around on plates and run into each other at awkward moments."
D) Any of the above.

9. When Jay tells his roommate, Adam, that he's ready to ask Whitney to be his girlfriend, how does he phrase it in man-speak?
A) "She's a wonderful woman, and I don't want to lose her."
B) "I don't want her going to lunch with d*****bags. It's on lockdown. It's Jay's now."
C) "I'm ready to settle down with my girl. Anyone that can kiss my scraggly beard face without getting a rash is worth hanging on to."

10. How does Jay ask Whitney to be his main squeeze?
A) "Let's put this on lockdown, babe."
B) "Would you like my half-beard to be your steady skin exfoliator? Be mine!"
C) "I think we maybe now could try and take things to the next level and you could be my girlfriend."
D) "It's your life and you can do what you want. But it'd be a lot cooler if you were my woman."

ANSWERS: 1. A
2. D
3. A
4. A, B, C
5. C
6. B (Erin and Jay)
7. D
8. D
9. B
10. C

8-10 right: Expert. Admit it: The City has you on lockdown.

6-8 right: Fan. Just like Days of our Lives, The City is a show you only need to watch once a month to stay apprised of situations.

4-6 right: Casual bystander. You could take The City or leave it. Kind of like Erin with her boyfriends.

0-3 right: Congratulations, you have a life! There is still time to replenish your brain cells. Go to the library immediately.

24 is back -- and so is Tony Almeida!

2009-01-10T15:31:00.000-05:00

Poor Jack Bauer.

The put-upon main character of 24 (played by Kiefer Sutherland) has gone nearly as many rounds over the years with the U.S. government as he has terrorists. One minute, our country is punishing Bauer for ignoring procedure on matters of terrorism and national security. The next, he's being summoned from (insert one: a Chinese prison, his job with defense secretary James Heller, his work at an oil refinery, etc.) because he's the only one who can save the American people from evildoers.

In other words, he's Batman with more guns and better instincts, minus the goofy outfit.

And when 24 finally returns for its four-hour, two-night season seven premiere extravaganza (8 p.m. Sunday and Monday nights on FOX), things haven't changed much.

After having turned himself to the U.S. government in order to save the lives of African children in November's prequel, 24: Redemption, Bauer is now in a Senate hearing regarding his inappropriate actions during his time with CTU. And he's questioned for approximately three minutes before FBI Agent Renee Walker (Annie Wersching) retrieves him.

CTU has been disbanded, so the feds are handling terrorism threats and – surprise, surprise – they need Bauer immediately.

The current threat: Bauer's old CTU buddy, Tony Almeida (Carlos Bernard), has miraculously risen from the dead and is thought to be operating a homegrown terrorist group that is allegedly working with/for a dangerous African militia. (Almeida's resurrection will be explained in the premieres.)

As is fairly typical of the show, the first couple of hours are filled with various storylines that will inevitably intertwine. And they're all the kinds of things that always make 24 so action-packed and edge-of-your-seat exciting.

Kidnapping and deep-seeded government corruption? Check. Snipers, rapid gunfire eruptions and secrets kept from the President? Uh-huh. People stupid enough to think that they know better than, or can control, Bauer? Of course. Bauer escaping a highly secure government facility in the most ridiculous manner imaginable? You bet.

And oh, how I've missed Bauer's catchphrases: "We're running out of time!," "Dammit!" – and my personal favorite – "DO IT!," which usually follows a command such as "drop your weapon!"

Now, you can never get too attached to people on 24 because so many of them bite the dust, but season seven introduces some intriguing new characters that we hope stick around. Janeane Garofalo shows up as slightly neurotic Agent Janis Gold, who appears to be the FBI version of CTU's Chloe O'Brian (Mary Lynn Rajskub). Agent Walker looks like she'll be a total rogue/bad-ass -- a female Bauer, perhaps?

The decisive leadership style of new President Allison Taylor (Cherry Jones) also shows a lot of promise. Early on, she proves that she's willing to go head-to-head with her advisers, focus on solutions instead of problems and follow her gut instincts. What remains to be seen is if those instincts are any good.

As for throwback characters, it's great to see Almeida back – he was always a fan favorite and for the ladies, a nice bit of eye candy. (He's got a gnarly scar above his left eye now -- sexy!) But other popular CTU alums will also make their way back come Monday night. CTU may be shut down, but several old staffers are still in play.

Ultimately, 24 fans will be pleased come Sunday and Monday, especially after such a long hiatus between seasons. While the intense, fast-paced the formula is the same, several fresh storylines (the competence of the FBI vs. CTU, in particular) will invigorate the series.

So mark your calendars or set your DVRs right now.

DO IT!

For the love of God, where is my DVD?!

2009-01-09T20:21:00.003-05:00

So, I ordered this yoga DVD off of Amazon last week. Usually, Amazon stuff gets here quickly, but I haven't even received an email that it's been shipped yet.

I just read fine print on the email order confirmation, however, which revealed my order would be arrive 3-16 days after shipping. 16 days? Are they strapping this fucking thing to the back of a turtle?

Geez.

The City Recap: We Found Audrina and Justin Bobby in the Big Apple

2009-01-05T23:51:00.003-05:00

In retrospect, it's easy to see why Whitney was the most likable character on The Hills. It's because she was always the one asking the questions instead of exposing too much of her own personal life.

She's still a nice woman and all, but as we tread deeper into The City, a scenario that smells an awful lot like Audrina and Justin Bobby is starting to unfold.

The second installment of the show opens with Erin and her Canadian boyfriend, Duncan, sitting on the couch messing around with the guitar, and having a nice intimate moment – until Whitney comes in and interrupts.

(Duncan is from Toronto and visiting for the week, and as you'll remember, Whit is crashing with Erin in her one-bedroom place until she finds her own apartment.)

Whitney: "You must really like Erin."

Duncan: Crickets. Friendly!

Erin and Duncan start talking about what movies they might watch that night (Titanic or The Sound of Music? Are you freakin' kidding me?), and Whitney gets ready to leave.

"Have fun," Duncan says. Translation: Get. Out.

At work, Whitney is helping style a photo shoot when Jay calls. He found an apartment for her to look at, and she considers leaving work right then to look at it. We always thought Whitney had a work ethic! "I feel like I should see it," she tells Olivia, "but obviously, (work) is my first priority."

Obviously. She ends up scooting out early to see the spot – on the 30th floor of a brand new building. Whitney seems uncertain about choosing the first place she sees, but after Jay eludes that they'll "finally have alone time," she takes it.

Back at work, Whitney tells Olivia about the place, and that Jay is going to help her move that weekend. Olivia offers unsolicited advice: "You have to be independent, I hope you're not too demanding on Jay. You have to be your own person."

Erin and Duncan go to a bar and have a snoozer of a conversation about long-distance relationships, which all of the sudden makes watching a three-hour sapfest about a sinking ship seem like a day at the amusement park.

Fast forward a few days, and Whitney's getting moved in to her new place. Erin tells Whit and Jay that she and Duncan had declared their love for one another the night before. Jay admonishes her, saying it's too soon. "You throw that word around too quickly and easily," he says.

Later, Whit and Erin discuss the "I love you" exchange alone, and conclude that if it feels right, it's never too soon to drop the ILY bomb. Whitney decides that she ask Jay where the relationship is headed (again). We start to think Olivia's advice wasn't such a bad idea after all.

Olivia talks to her cousin Nevan at her place. He tells her he got a $100 fine for spitting in public, but he thought it was perfectly legal since he saw some chick do it on Flavor of Love. She tells Nevan that Whitney should start taking her advice, for she is the all-knowing Oz.

At yet another meal where nobody is seen eating, Jay and Whitney discuss the Erin and Duncan sitch, which leads to a chat about their relationship. Soon, Jay's inner Justin Bobby is revealed! He thinks getting caught up in boyfriend/girlfriend labels is stupid. "I don't want it to feel like it's all about the relationship," he says, as Whitney admits that she would like to be his girlfriend if that's what he wanted. But if he's not ready for that, then she doesn't want that.

Awkward!

"So it's all good?" he asks.

Whitney reiterates that going with the flow is no biggie to her ... but her face looks like a dump truck just ran over the Manolos she bought last week.

To end the show, Jay suggests they eat. He orders a plate of He's Not That Into You, and Whitney gets a slice of Desperation Pie.

Back in business!

2009-01-02T20:42:00.003-05:00

I know you've been wondering how I'm holding up without the big TV. Oh, you haven't? You think I should read more?

Huh.

Well, no matter. The TV is back! I unplugged it for about 5 hours and now it's working again. Hooray! And just so you know, the first thing I'm going to do is do an exercise video. It's not quite a book, but it won't deteriorate my brain like The Hills, either.

Happy weekend!

Is this a sign?

2009-01-01T12:36:00.006-05:00

Happy new year!

I'm sad to report that our giant, LCD TV is experiencing serious issues -- which means I'm also having some serious issues. Long story short, I get sound from the TV, but no picture. But I do get a picture when I watch DVDS. Weird.

Whether it's a problem with the cable box, or a problem with the TV itself (which is still under warranty, thank God), nobody is in any office to help me today.

Which means I'll have to watch one of the other, smaller, non-HD TVs while I take down the Christmas tree, fold laundry and weed out some of my clothes to give away. This may not sound like a big deal to you. Before we got this TV, I wouldn't have thought so, either.

But after watching insanely crisp television for almost a year, this is like going from prime rib to Steak-Ums. Or from a fabulous pair of pumps to grungy Birkenstocks. Or from a Bentley to a 1987 Ford Festiva.

Plus, my husband is out of town right now, so the only place I'll get to see him is on the tube, and I want to see him BIG.

Are the gods of "You Should Read More Often" fucking with me? Probably. But hey, you can't read while you fold laundry and put Christmas back in a box, so what the hell am I supposed to do?

Oh well. If this is my biggest problem for 2009, I feel pretty fortunate. Thanks for listening.

Cheers, everybody!

Resolving TV for 2009

2008-12-31T19:13:00.003-05:00

Let's face it: Nobody really ever keeps their New Year's Resolutions. Sad, but true. So I decided to forego making my own (why bother?) in favor of making some for my favorite TV shows and characters. Which makes me wonder: Should I resolve to stop watching so much TV?

Heidi Montag: Now that The Hills character is saddled with Spencer as a husband, Heidi should really work on repairing her relationship with her family – no matter what her creepy hubs has to say about it. If he loves her like he says, he shouldn't even balk at this idea. But we know he will.

Desperate Housewives: Am I the only person who thinks Susan's character is annoying and pointless? DH writers should resolve to move her somewhere far, far away. Or for her to meet with some other bizarre fate that would either A) remove her from the cast or B) give her a personality transplant.

Tara Thornton: This True Blood character tried getting her demons exorcised in a weird backwoods ceremony. Now she's living with some strange woman, and there's something not quite right about the situation. Tara probably can't afford therapy, but she should go back to her own house and take some yoga to help relax her temper. That seems safer.

Peggy Olson: We like where this Mad Men character is going. At work, she's successful, and she's getting more confident, and she's greasing the wheels for female workers of the future. But we hope she can quit pretending her baby doesn't exist – but only after she comes to that decision on her own, not because she feels pressured by anyone else.

Entourage: It seems like Vince will be back in the big time next season. But we hope writers can work in a storyline or two for Johnny Drama. We'd rather see him conduct his own life business than cook breakfast for Vince every morning.

Hank Moody: The troubled lead character on Californication has turned a new page. Now that Karen's moved to New York, Hank is solely responsible for raising Becca. Hopefully, that means he'll stop banging random chicks in his house, and will try and set a positive example for his teenage daughter.

Bret Michaels: Dude, we really hope the third time's a charm. But we suspect Rock of Love Tour Bus will end just like the first two seasons of Rock of Love. And when that happens, for the love of God Bret, please resolve to stop doing these ridiculous dating shows. And please, let that blast-from-the-past hairdo go, too.

Zak Bagans: I'm not sure if you've ever seen Ghost Adventures, a ghost hunting show on the Travel Channel. But if you have, there's no way you have gotten all the way through the show without laughing at host Zak's expense. He's the biggest, meatheaded, frat boy tool I've ever seen – and I'd like him to resolve to not change a thing. It's a riot. (Watch for snippets of his jackassery on The Soup, where he makes frequent appearances.)

VH1: This company should resolve to ditch their think tank and start fresh. If I have to see one more reality show with Tiffany "New York" Pollard, Real and Chance, Boston or Bret Michaels, I'm going to throw my remote through my giant TV.

The cast of Bad Girls Club: These women should go into hiding. Their behavior is so embarrassing, I can't imagine them going out in public and not being totally humiliated. Some people will do anything to be on TV... this is, perhaps, the most offensive show on television.

Survivor:
I'm kind of bored with seeing people sweat profusely and get eaten alive by mosquitoes. They should have filmed the latest installment in Spokane, Wash., when 30 inches of snow fell in a 24-hour period and temps were below freezing. Survive that, people.

The City Recap: Guilty Pleasure Or A Reason To Be Shamed? You Decide.

2008-12-30T00:16:00.003-05:00

After completely rotting my brain for an hour on the god-awful MTV show, Bromance, it was hard to get geared up for another new show starring familiar face from The Hills.
But thankfully, it didn't take long to fall into step with Whitney Port's new life in The City, which was introduced with two back-to-back episodes.
Whitney arrives for her first work day at Diane von Furstenburg wearing an electric yellow printed dress that reminds me of some painted-splashed pants I had in the late 1980s. It's a great way to stand out on the job. Well, that and the camera crew following her around.
She meets Olivia, a socialite and co-worker who will be a regular part of the cast. Olivia, who has clearly never laid eyes upon an Us Weekly or television set, asks Whitney where she's from. "Have you worked in fashion before?" Well, that, and I was employed asking Lauren Conrad about her personal life for a few years. It's a role you'll get familiar with soon enough!
After work, Whit meets Jay (the guy she's dating) for dinner. They flirt, he kisses her hand and she seems smitten, as evidenced by the constant scrunching up of her nose. Later, smooth operator Jay offers her a place to stay for the night and they kiss.
We see Whitney work at fashion week for approximately 90 seconds and then attend the DVF after-party, where her boss showers her with compliments as Olivia looks on. Olivia invites Whitney to her dinner party and tells her to bring Jay.
But when Whitney asks him to go, he sweeps his tousled hair around a few times, and then tells her he'll take a pass. "The group you don't want to get involved with are the rich kids," he tells her.
She asks if he'll go anyway, just to hang with her. Jay shakes his head. "I always do what I want and that's it, you know." What a charmer.
So Whitney takes Erin to the party instead, and a surprised Olivia asks where Jay is. At the crowded dinner table, Olivia grills Whitney some more about Jay and his whereabouts. Meanwhile, we see Jay out with his roommate, Adam, and he laments how fast his relationship is going with Whitney. "A little more space never hurts," Adam says.
But neither does a little more air time, so Jay heads over to Olivia's crib, stays for about five minutes, then jets out with Whitney and Erin.
Alex (a model who we saw Whitney date once on The Hills) resurfaces to tell her that Jay is a player who is trying to get back with his ex. "I hate being that guy to bring it up," Alex says, but I'm getting paid by producers to cause some trouble, so I might as well.
Whitney discusses the potential Jay problem with Erin and comes up with a plan: "I've just got to ask him, because it's the only thing I can do." Because everyone knows cheating guys always tell the truth when confronted.
When Whitney talks to Jay, he offers to explain: He saw his ex out one night, they talked, he walked her to the cab, but they didn't go home together even though it may have looked like it. To drive home the point, Jay denies, denies, denies, then whips out his cell phone: "We can call Dani and ask her right now." Of course, Whitney says not to worry about it.
Works every time, Jay thinks.
Next, Whitney makes plans to go out with Erin, Jay, Adam and Adam's girlfriend. "It will be a fun night of nothingness!," Whitney predicts. Yay! Just like my Monday night appointments with MTV!
The group arrives at the nightclub, and (surprise!) Alex is there talking smack about Jay's womanizing ways. Jay and Alex get into a long, boring verbal sparring match consisting of profanity-laden sentences ending in "dude."
Finally, Whitney meets with her old boss, Kelly Cutrone, who all of the sudden seems like a nice, nurturing person. They talk work and boys. "You can always come here and throw anything off a balcony," Kelly offers.
Hmmmm, Whitney. Might want to start with Jay. Or better yet, Bromance.

Dear Santa, Volume 2

2008-12-24T16:43:00.002-05:00

OK, St. Nick,

It's Christmas eve, and you weren't able to get mom here on Monday. I understand. I know you have a lot to do.

But she's got another plane ride scheduled tomorrow, on Christmas Day. By then, I know you'll be super tired, but you'll also be done with the bulk of your work. So maybe we could give this another whirl.

I just want her to arrive here safely, in one piece. I miss her. That's all I really want for Christmas.

I'm sorry I said the f-word in the other letter. I hope that's not what kept Mom from getting here the first time around. I'll try to clean up my language, if that will help.

Thanks, Santa. Have safe travels tonight!

Love,
Maisy

(P.S. If you have time, it would be great if you could drop by some underwear for Kyle. I just found out that the ones Archie got for him are the wrong size.)

My Letter to Santa

2008-12-22T07:08:00.005-05:00

Dear Santa,

I have a request for you, and it won't even require you to make an appearance.

It's 7 a.m., and I've been up for two hours already. My mom is supposed to be flying here from Spokane, Wash., today, where they've gotten so much snow that the whole city shut down for three days. The garbage men didn't come because they couldn't get down streets. The city offices were closed. The malls closed at noon -- less than a week before Christmas!

Now, that often happens in Louisville when we get a dusting of the white stuff. But you have to understand how much fucking snow has to fall in Spokane before something like that happens. It's unheard of. I mean, it'd by like you canceling your Christmas flights!

When I lived in Spokane, I used to keep a shovel and cat litter in the trunk of my car, in case I had to dig myself out of a parking spot, or needed some extra traction on ice. Lots of snow is totally normal there. We all owned snow boots made for temperatures of -30 degrees.

Well, Santa, it snowed there again overnight, and my mom is supposed to fly out this morning. Even though we talk on the phone every day, I haven't seen her in more than a year, and am really looking forward to her Christmas visit. That's all I want this year, is for her to have a safe trip.

Plus, she's disabled, so traveling for her is a total suck-fest. Can you please squeeze in a last-minute request and see that things go smoothly for her?

And if her flight is canceled, can you maybe send Rudolph and the crew to go get her? Knowing her, I'm sure her suitcase is really huge, but it can't be any heavier than your sack of toys for the world's children.

Just so you know, I've been pretty good this year. (Except when I drank too much at a wedding, and ended up falling down in the parking lot at Brendan's, but nobody was hurt in that incident. Oh, and I said 'fuck' earlier in this letter, but that's just the way I talk. I am an adult, you know.)

All my love,
Maisy

For Christmas, I'm giving away lobotomies, naps and tattoo removal

2008-12-15T21:32:00.005-05:00

As the doors on the chocolate advent calendar swing open, so closes the gap between now and Christmas. And like any respectable working girl, I'm really, really behind on my holiday shopping (read: I haven't really started yet).

But there's an ice storm happening as I write this. So instead of shopping tonight, I'm procrastinating by watching Gossip Girl and dreaming up all the gifts I'd give to the people I spend much of my time with: My TV friends.

Now, let's shred some wrapping paper!

To Jack Bauer of 24: A gift certifiate for a therapuetic massage, and an hour-long nap.

Joy Turner of My Name is Earl: Some conditioner. Anyone who bleaches and perms their hair needs some serious treatment.

Tyra Banks of The Tyra Banks Show and America's Next Top Model: I'd give her a one-week reprieve from being lambasted on The Soup, even though I always find the bits highly amusing. She's corny, but she means well.

Serena van der Woodsen and Blair Waldorf of Gossip Girl: A trip to a Natural Helpers retreat. These two frienemies have gone enough rounds. These two need to work on their friendship at a mountain retreat somewhere.

Project Runway: A history lesson. Please, take a look at what made your show shine in previous seasons -- and while you're at it, get some better contestants and a fresh start on Lifetime.

Hank Moody of Californication: A box of porn, a bag of weed and some whiskey. No smokes, though, because he's allegedly trying to quit.

Debra Morgan of Dexter: Several more dresses like the one she wore to Dexter's wedding. She said she felt like a transvestite, but we think it's the first time she's looked like a woman. Ever.

Bret Michaels of Rock of Love: A trip to Supercuts and a session of groupie speed dating.

Heidi Montag of The Hills: A lobotomy, so that she could erase any memory of Spencer Pratt.

Spencer Pratt of The Hills: A razor and a job. Not necessarily in that order.

Sam Merlotte of True Blood: A change of scenery. He deserves to meet a nice young lady, and I think he's exhausted the few options in Bon Temps.

Elliot Stabler of Law & Order: SVU: Complimentary tattoo removal. On the occasions when we've seen Elliot shirtless, he's got some of the worst ink we've ever seen.

Kendra Wilkinson of The Girls Next Door: A GED. And some condoms. Lots of condoms.

Betty Draper of Mad Men: We'd find a way to get her her modeling career back.

Shane Botwin of Weeds: A new family. This kid is the smartest one in the bunch, and he's got no chance growing up with his mom and Uncle Andy.

Michael Scott of The Office: I'd bring Holly back to him. She and Michael's shared dorkiness cracked me up.... plus, if his soulmate was around, he might not be as difficult to tolerate at work.

Kim of Kath & Kim: A gift card to Claire's, since her hair accessories are all suited for a 6-year-old.

Coolio of Coolio's Rules and Flavor Flav of Flavor of Love: Makeovers. If I kept the same style for as long as these two aging rappers have held on to theirs, I'd still have a spiral perm and tall, ratted bangs coaxed to stand on end via Aqua Net. And my MC Hammer pants.

Hey Santa! I've got a naughty and nice list for you

2008-12-12T22:07:00.003-05:00

With Christmas fast approaching, I know Santa Claus is awfully busy right now. So I've taken it upon myself to procrastinate my own holiday shopping and help St. Nick with his annual duties. After a satisfying year of wasting away in front of the telly, I'd like to humbly suggest a few picks for the Naughty and Nice list.

I hope the elves can whip up something extra special for these four nice TV characters:

Betty Draper, Mad Men
And by nice, we mean that she has to be somewhat void of emotions to handle her life without losing her marbles. Betty isn't a super likeable character, but up until the end of the last season, she put up endless humiliations, insults and disrespect from her womanizing (possibly-alcoholic) husband, Don. When Don practically called her a whore for buying a two-piece bathing suit at an auction, my heart broke for her. Betty has a whole lot more ‘nice' in her than we could ever muster.

Sookie Stackhouse, True Blood
Sure, Sookie made a misstep by running into Sam's arms (and toying with his emotions) when Bill disappeared for a couple of days. But telepathic Sookie has been through a lot. Between her grandmother's brutal murder, her brother's overwhelming idiocy, an attempt on her life, her best friend's anger management problems, and being shunned by her whole town, we think she's a pretty sweet woman.

Joe Dubois, Medium
This man is a saint and the backbone of this TV family, which returns to TV in January. Joe is constantly woken up by his wife in the middle of the night, he's left to deal with getting his three daughters to school and handle family business when Allison rushes off to deal with her dead-people visions. He's kind, supportive and every time we think he's finally going to get irritated, he cracks a joke -- and that awesome smile.

Turtle, Entourage
Let's face it: Of all the Entourage characters, Turtle has never had a lot going for him, particularly in the area of ladies. Finally this season, he seems to have scored big points with not just a woman, but famous actress (Jamie-Lynn Sigler). And right as Turtle is getting ready for a romantic getaway weekend with Jamie, Vince calls and requests his presence on a trip back to New York. And Turtle dropped everything to go. What a great friend.

A lump of coal would be too good a prize for any of these chumps:

Miguel Prado, Dexter
When Miguel showed up at the beginning of the most recent season, it seemed like Dexter was going to make a true friend. As it turns out, Miguel turned out to be a a lunatic sociopath with no feelings and no moral code. Jimmy Smits did a great job making this now-deceased character truly despicable.

Spencer Pratt, The Hills
The above being said, Prado is still much more likeable than Spencer, a controlling, cruel, jackass who has somehow captured the heart of Heidi Montag. This year alone, Spencer made Heidi's mother cry; mooched off of and disparaged his own sister; and has thrust a huge wedge between Heidi and her family and friends. Heidi's not blameless, but he and that creepy beard are the root of the evil. This relationship, if it's indeed real, seems like a Lifetime movie waiting to happen.

Lacey, Rock of Love Charm School
I want to like Lacey because she's an animal rights activist, but every time I watch her manipulate other women on VH1 reality shows, I wonder how a person can be so compassionate for furry things and so hateful toward her fellow woman. Every chick-fight on this show has stemmed from Lacey's evil maneuvers, and her fake, tear-filled apologies are vomit-inducing. I've seen more convincing acting in junior high theater productions.

Nancy Botwin, Weeds
When Weeds first began, I had a soft spot for Nancy and how she chose to deal with her money problems. But this season, I think I can honestly say I like everyone on the show more than Nancy, who has proven to be perhaps the worst mother in TV history. It's a sad day when layabout Uncle Andy is the most responsible adult in the picture. And now Nancy is knocked up again? Good grief.

The Best in Holiday TV: We Hope to Catch Some Re-Runs!

2008-11-30T19:59:00.005-05:00

If there's one thing that's on my wish list each holiday season, it's that my favorite TV shows can deliver episodes that aren't trite, predictable or nauseatingly sappy. Of course, there are always hits and misses, but some offerings truly stand the test of time.

In other words, I actually remember them -- and I'm hoping Santa drops them into my TV stocking at some point this season.

Here are my picks for the most notable TV episodes:

The Office, "Christmas Party."
Michael sets up a Secret Santa gift exchange for the staff, and nobody is supposed to spend more than $20. To show off, Michael buys a $400 video iPod as his gift to Ryan. After Michael receives a handmade oven mitt that he hates, he turns the exchange into a "Yankee Swap," where staffers can swap their gift with someone else's or choose a new one.
Chaos and hurt feelings ensue and everyone is mad at Michael, who, in turn, fails to see the problem.
"Unbelievable," he says. "I do the nicest thing that anyone's ever done for these people and they freak out. Well, happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party's so lame."
Michael then buys 15 gallons of alcohol and everyone gets lit. The episode concludes with a drunken Meredith showing Michael her lady bits.

Everybody Hates Chris, "Everybody Hates Christmas"
This episode is bittersweet because for all its humor, its premise is a sad little tale. When Chris' parents' water heater breaks down before the Christmas shopping is complete, they can't afford to get him his Walkman. His sister and brother receive dolls, games and bikes, while Chris ends up with a freebie calendar from the doctor's office as his present.
In the spirit of Christmas, though, Chris rises above it and appreciates his day – largely because his normally-exasperated mom spoils him rotten out of guilt.

Grey's Anatomy, "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer."
As usual, there's plenty of drama at Seattle Grace. Alex has failed his board exam, so everyone helps him study for his re-take -- except Izzie, who feels betrayed because he just cheated on her.
Cristina and Burke argue because he's spiritual and she's, well, not. This comes to a head as they're giving a little boy his second heart transplant.
And, as a really thoughful gift, McDreamy chooses Christmas to tell his wife he's in love with Meredith.
Ho, ho, ho!
But the touching moments sweetly bring it all together. Cristina's hardened shell cracks; she helps breathe new hope into her the juvenile heart patient, and softens to Burke's spirituality. Izzie breaks down to help Alex study "because that's what Jesus would freakin' do!" And Izzie, Meredith and George celebrate their friendship in silence by laying with their heads underneath the Christmas tree, looking at the lights.

WKRP in Cincinnati, "Turkeys Away!"
I know Turkey Day has already passed. But this classic episode from way back, in which the radio station drops live turkeys from a helicopter as a Thanksgiving gift to listeners, cannot be left out. Les Nessman reports from the ground: "The turkeys are hitting the ground like sacks of wet cement!" The whole thing is comedy genius.

Friends, "The One With the Armadillo."
Ross gets his son, Ben, for the holidays and wants to teach him about Hanukkah. But Ben is all about Santa, so Ross tries to grant his Christmas wish by renting a St. Nick costume. Of course, the costume shop is cleaned out of anything remotely Christmas-y, so he ends up in a hideous and scary armadillo outfit and introduces himself as "Santa's representative for all the southern states and Mexico."
When Chandler shows up as Santa and Joey arrives as Superman, Ross' persona fizzles even harder. In the end, though, Santa and Superman help grease the wheels for Ben's Hanukkah lesson.

We saved the best for last:

Seinfeld, "The Strike."
In this episode, Frank Costanza introduces the masses to "Festivus," a celebration he says he created as an alternative to overly-commercial Christmas.

The decor: an plain aluminum pole. "No decoration required," says Costanza. "I find tinsel distracting."
Festivus includes traditions such as "The Airing of Grievances" (people tell each other how they disappointed each other over the year), and "Feats of Strength" (in which the head of household engages in wrestling matches with guests). Festivus officially concludes when the head of household is pinned to the floor. Which is probably how many real-life get-togethers end anyway.

What are some of your favorite holiday TV episodes?

Introducing Pig Pen

2008-11-17T22:30:00.004-05:00

Sometimes, we call Archie "Pig Pen" because he comes inside looking like the Peanuts character.

8 Things That Take More Time Than Eating Dinner

2008-11-16T18:30:00.002-05:00

Every time I feed the dogs, you'd think it was the first meal they have ever received.

Lucy furiously licks her lips as though they are coated with chicken breasts. Archie turns millions of clockwise circles until the food lands in his bowl. And then they both inhale it like they are in a race for The World's Biggest Ribeye Steak.

Here are ten things that last longer than Draper Canine Dinner Time:

1. Typing this sentence.

2. Putting on a pair of earrings.

3. Unlocking a car door.

4. My attention span during a televised baseball game.

5. A 14-year-old boy having sex.

6. Kyle switching back and forth between three football games.

7. Me deciding to buy something with Hello Kitty on it.

8. The amount of time it would take me to quit my job were I ever to win the lottery.

Rainy Saturday

2008-11-15T11:32:00.001-05:00

Summary haiku:

Watching "Snapped." Drinking
coffee. Listening to dogs
snore. This is the life.

TV Throwdown: Oprah vs. Ellen

2008-11-15T10:29:00.005-05:00

Recently, I've had some vacation time to burn. During my time off, I ran errands, did some work around the house and watched a little bit of daytime TV. And frankly, that made me really happy that I have a day job.

But there is one shining star amongst all the televised crapola, and that gem is The Ellen Degeneres Show. The hour-long show never fails to entertain, and we pretty much think Ellen is the queen of daytime TV.

Then again, there's also some other talk show host, Oprah Winfrey, who's pretty popular, too. Or so we've heard. ;)

So for our amusement, we decided to pit the two daytime hosts against each other... because, hey, what else do we have to do with our vacation time?

MEMORABLE GUEST SPOTS:
I love Ellen's dry sense of humor and am impressed by the comfortable rapport she creates with her guests, whether it's a celebrity or a little kid. Recently, she let Heidi Klum promote her new cosmetics line for Victoria's Secret. But what made it fun is that Ellen and Heidi made over studio audience guests in 45 seconds. Blindfolded. The results were disastrous and hilarious.
That's good stuff, Ellen. But until you score something as ludicrous as Tom Cruise's couch-jumping interview, this round easily belongs to Oprah.

Oprah, 1; Ellen, 0.

DANCING:
Ellen dances every day. Oprah doesn't.

Oprah,1; Ellen, 1.

OUTFITS:
Oprah always looks classically put-together, and wears bright colors really well. She's also a master at changing her hairdo.
And whether Ellen is hosting her talk show or the Oscars, she's consistently fun, funky and freshly accessorized. Just ask Kanye West, who complimented her fashion sense during a recent appearance on her show: "You've got really great style," he told her. "Seriously, this is one of the people you should look at whenever you're trying to figure out how to put together an outfit, especially for guys."
Plus, Ellen wears Converse.

Oprah, 1; Ellen, 2.

SIGNIFICANT OTHERS:
Portia de Rossi: Hot. Stedman Graham: Not so much.

Oprah, 1; Ellen, 3.

INCOME:
Oprah probably has enough money to bail out our country from its current economic crisis. I'm sure Ellen does all right, but we feel safe in saying it's nowhere near Oprah's billions and billions of dollars.

Oprah, 2; Ellen 3.

WORLD DOMINATION:
Up against many other people, Ellen could seriously sweep this category. Her list of achievements includes: Emmy-winning talk show host, best-selling author, revered stand-up comedian, successful TV and film actress. She was only the second woman to host the Oscars on her own (the first was Whoopi Goldberg), and she's the newest face of Cover Girl cosmetics for 2009.
To list all of Oprah's accomplishments would be nearly impossible in this short section, but we'll hit the highlights: She has a long-standing talk show, a store in Chicago, a magazine, and will reportedly get her own cable network in 2009. She started a reality show to reward do-gooders with money, and has given away new cars to her studio audiences. And of course, she's got the Midas touch, transforming anything she touches into pure gold. (How else would we all have been saddled with that douchebag, Dr. Phil?)

That's the short list. And it earns Oprah the win -- plus an extra credit point.

Oprah, 4; Ellen, 3.

So, you win the battle on paper, Oprah. But on TV, we'd totally choose Ellen. No offense, but you conflict with our viewing of The Young & The Restless. And what can I say? I like to laugh more than I like to cry.

Stop Your Honking, Jackass

2008-11-10T18:59:00.005-05:00

People in Louisville LOVE to honk their horns in tunnels, and I don't understand it.

Every single day on my way to and from work, I go through a tunnel on I-64, and some asshole honks his horn numerous times while inside.

WHY?

There are no kids in these cars, so it's not their request. These people are probably going to work, and they likely travel this route every day. I just don't understand it. Someday, they're going to need to honk at someone who's about to hit them, and their horn will be defunct. And it will serve them right.

TV Throwdown: Housewives Edition

2008-11-02T09:17:00.011-05:00

If you would have told me five years ago that I'd end up tuning into two different TV shows about housewives, I'd have replied "There's a better chance of me baking a blueberry pie from scratch than that happening."

And I would have ended up eating my words -- and perhaps a (store-bought) blueberry pie. Now, here I am DVRing Desperate Housewives, and watching the shenanigans of Bravo's newest installment in its Real Housewives series: The Real Housewives of Atlanta.

And because I think too much about TV, these shows got me thinking: With which of these groups would I rather share a neighborhood?

So, I put them to the test in a personalized battle. The (dish) gloves are off!

NEIGHBORLINESS:
When DH Susan got new neighbors, Bob and Lee, she accidentally gifted them housewarming cookies to which Lee was allergic. To try and make up for it, she kidnapped their dog so that she could pretend to heroically find it -- and got caught. Susan also burned Edie's house down. Edie, meanwhile, has slept with at least three of her fellow housewives' exes. And we're just getting started -- these ladies are not Ned Flanders.

On RH, the ladies do a lot of backbiting, but are generally kind and supportive of each other's causes in public. Kim has been trying to mend the rift between Sheree and NeNe. And when Sheree recently got sick, Kim brought her medicine and other illness supplies -- packaged in a Ferragamo bag. Even though that's totally ostentatious, nothing is better than hand-delivered Nyquil when you're feeling like crap.

Desperate, 0; Real, 1.

STAR POWER:
DH's Bree and Gabrielle have each had some fame. Bree has gained Martha Stewart-like status, and Gabi is an ex-model.

Lisa Wu-Hartwell of RH was previously married to Keith Sweat -- one of the greatest R&B artists of all time. Still, he's not in the picture anymore, and he's not technically a housewife himself.

Desperate, 1; Real, 1

'HOODS:
Granted, the RH crew don't all live in the same neighborhood. But the houses on Wisteria Lane seem like shanties compared to any of the RH cribs. So, if I were neighbors to any of the RH, it's logical to assume I'd be filthy rich. Need I say more?

Desperate, 1; Real, 2.

ARGUMENTS:
For the most part, the RH make catty comments behind each other's backs, or out of the public eye. Well, except for the TV cameras. Based on last week's previews, Kim is fixin' to text message NeNe to call her a bitch.

But on DH, the majority of confrontations take place loudly, in broad daylight, usually in the middle of the street or a driveway. If you lived here, you really wouldn't even need a TV because the entertainment is right outside the door.

Desperate, 2; Real 2.

THE KID FACTOR:
We don't see a whole lot of the kids on RH unless they're being thrown ridiculously extravagent birthday parties, getting $1,000 checks or taking private music lessons. And frankly, we don't want to see any more of them, because they're probably spoiled rotten brats.

On DH, Lynette's got a house full of hellraisers, Gabi's has bully-daughter and Bree's son has blackmailed her. They are like older versions of the aformentioned offspring.

Tie!

Desperate, 2; Real, 2.

FASHION SENSE:
The beauty of having close female friends/neighbors is that there's the option of borrowing cute outfits when you're in a pinch.

The RH are probably more realistically-sized women than the size-0 squad of Wisteria Lane. Still, I'm not sure that any of the RH even wear a bra, or for that matter, own any outfits that don't display 15 pounds of breast flesh. (Did you see Kim's outfit for a children's birthday party?)

The DH would offer far more wardrobe variety. Between Bree's classically tailored look, Edie's sexpot outfits, Susan's casual style and Gabi's closet full of old designer dresses, you'd be pretty much set for any occasion. (But if you want to fit into them, you're going to have to say no to Bree's delicious desserts.)

And the winner is....

Desperate, 3; Real, 2.

Bottom line: They may be rich, but the RH aren't that likeable. And they aren't even fictional characters.

Pumpkin ice cream is from heaven

2008-10-28T20:42:00.003-04:00

I stopped at the grocery store after work to get some cucumbers, tomatoes and cheese. My path through Kroger took me past a freezer filled with Edy's pumpkin ice cream, which I've never had, but sounded delicious.

It was the most delicious thing to ever pass my lips. Thank God it's only sold from Sept. to Nov., or I'd weigh 400 pounds.

Fashion TV: I've Seen Enough Of The Catty-walks.

2008-10-26T18:12:00.006-04:00

As viewers grimace through Stylista, the newest addition to fashion-related, reality TV train wreck, it's hard not to wonder: Are these shows even in style anymore?

When America's Next Top Model and Project Runway launched, they seemed new and fresh and different. Unlike the slew of purely voyeuristic shows that were already out there, both programs explored uncharted territory and contestants actually required some sort of special skills to participate. Plus, they offered a glimpse into the dramatic and bitchy world of fashion, so the package made for a reality TV goldmine.

But then came the knock-offs. Once Janice Dickinson was done as a judge on ANTM, she got her own show, The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency. And frankly, it made ANTM seem as smart as The West Wing.

And it's only gotten worse from there. Not only have ANTM and PR lost their luster, interlopers such as America's Most Smartest Model, the horrifyingly bad Glam God With Vivica A. Fox, The Rachel Zoe Project – and now, Stylista – are trying to hop on the long-departed bandwagon.

But wait, there's more. Shear Genius puts scissorhands to the test, while Lifetime's new offering Blush: The Search for the Next Best Make-Up Artist premieres Nov. 11. Even if they play upbeat techno music and feature rapid-fire scene changes, can you think of anything more boring than watching people apply eyeshadow and buff blemishes for an hour?

I'd rather topple off a pair of 8-inch platforms into a bed of Tyra Banks' used hair extensions.

Besides, do contestants even benefit anymore? With constant turnover of reality TV out there, 15 minutes of fame has been reduced to about three minutes. And if you think about it, the only person who has been catapulted from obscurity to fame and career success isn't even a contestant – it's PR mentor, Tim Gunn, who is now a bonafide celebrity.

Now, to be fair, most people, including myself, have better things to do than track every move of reality show winners. But if any of these folks were making it -- truly making it, like, on the level of Gisele Bundchen or Marc Jacobs -- we'd hear about it.

Does anyone even consider Adrienne Curry, the first winner of ANTM, a model anymore? We think she's more synonomous with embarrassing VH1 reality shows and marrying Christopher Knight, whose most recent claims to fame includes his stints on Celebrity Circus and Celebrity Family Feud.

Try looking up ANTM alum CariDee English and you'll see more stories about her alleged make-out sessions with teen skateboard sensation Ryan Sheckler and her speeches about psoriasis awareness than modeling.

Meanwhile, the two PR winners who have probably seen the most success are the same folks who had established careers upon joining the cast. Season two winner Chloe Dao already had her own thriving clothing boutique, which is still going strong today. Recently, she sold out her 13-piece collection on QVC and was tapped to create a line of electronics accessories to be sold in stores like Target, Circuit City and Best Buy.

Season three champ Jeffrey Sebelia came to PR with an pre-exsisting clothing line, Cosa Nostra, and celebrity clientele. Since the show, he's launched a contemporary women's clothing line, Good Vig.

Sure, other winners from both shows are gainfully employed in their respective fields. But we have to wonder if that's because of the spotlight and humiliation that comes with reality TV, or in spite of it. Still, we're looking forward to seeing how it all pans out for people.

Our best bets for long-term success include season three ANTM winner Eva Marcille (who dropped Pigford from her name). She models, but she's also become a decent film and TV actress. Currently, she plays Tyra Hamilton on The Young & The Restless. Laugh if you want, but once upon a time, Eva Longoria called Y&R home, too.

We also have high hopes for PR winner Christian Siriano. Immensely talented for his young age, he's also got an engaging personality -- we predict both will take him far.

Certainly, viewers can enjoy much jackassery on the newest diluge of fashion programs. But as for producing the next great stylist or make-up artist? Does anyone really care? Or should Fashion TV just go the way of the peg-rolled jeans? As much as we love clothes and style, we're leaning toward the latter.

Halloween-y movies

2008-10-26T09:41:00.004-04:00

Why did they remake
Salem's Lot? Original
is a true classic.

Freddy Krueger may
have an ugly sweater,
but it looks quite warm.

Michael Myers can
always catch people with his
lumbering gait. How?

Saw 5? Amazing.
Jigsaw is older than John
McCain. Not dead yet?

Hannibal Lecter
has never been as hungry
as I am right now.

Leatherface's skin
mask: New 'it' accessory?
I'll take a scarf, thanks.

Judging Miss Maisy

2008-10-25T19:34:00.022-04:00

Today, I had the pleasure of judging a pet costume contest at the Three Dog Bakery in Louisville. It was hilarious, and I wish there were enough prizes for all 35-40 dogs that participated. (But they did all get a free bag of treats.)

Now, I admit: Lucy and Archie do get Halloween costumes, but they only wear them long enough to get their photos made ... probably about 3 minutes. These pooches today were already dressed when they showed up at the spot -- and then they waited in line wearing outfits for at least an hour because the other judge was 30 minutes late.

So, kudos to all of those little (and big) guys because my dogs would have torn off their suits before we got out of the driveway.

And guess what? There was a little dragon named Maisy (above)! I couldn't really see what kind of dog it was, but she licked my hand from under her green suit. In fact, it's hard to get dogs to hold still long enough for a picture, so none of these pics are that great.

Anyhoo, I can imagine what some of these dogs were thinking (in haiku, of course).

Elvis (above):
I know you hand-glued
sequins to my cape. Sorry
I shook them off.

The Cat in the Hat, Thing 1 and Thing 2:
"I'm no fucking cat!"
"And we weren't twins -- until
you sprayed our hair blue."

Desperate Housewives (above):
The women on the
show don't wear housecoats. Where
is our damn glamour?

Rock star (above):
Oh yeah, bitches. I
know you want me. I'm yours -- for
a treat and butt sniff.

A bunch of grapes (above):
Squeaky scarecrow toy
and fifty dollar prize was
SO worth the effort.

Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's (above, the picture kept loading sideways, and I can't fix it. But it was too cute not to post.):
I am too fancy
to be in here with
pirates and pumpkins.

Creep-fest: Dexter Morgan vs. Bill Compton

2008-10-21T19:47:00.009-04:00

Halloween is coming, so it seems like a great time to assess our two favorite blood-obsessed creepies from cable television: Dexter Morgan of Dexter and Bill Compton, the resident vampire of True Blood.

Each of these gentlemen is charming in his own way. But when you look at the big picture, they're still not the kind of guys you'd want for neighbors or anything. Let's face it: They both come with a lot of baggage.

But if you had to live next door to one of them, who is your best bet? Who's the most productive member of society? Glad you asked.

I've rated Dex and Bill in various categories to determine which killer is the best for the general population.

AFTER DARK ACTIVITIES: If Dexter's out at night, he's usually carving somebody up, stalking his next victim, or trying to cover up the fact that he's been on a murdering spree.

Bill, on the other hand, is probably just indulging his super-strong vampire libido by getting laid. I'm sure Bill runs all his errands at night, too, since he can't do them during daylight. And being that he's so polite, he'd probably even bring you back a pint of Ben & Jerry's from Walgreens if you asked him real nice.

Dexter, 0; Bill, 1

EMOTIONAL AVAILABILITY: Dexter admits he doesn't really have feelings. In order to propose to his girlfriend in a believable way, Dexter had to mimic the words and emotions of a recent crime scene victim. How romantic!

Bill, on the other hand, is no stranger to loving relationships and family life -- it's just that he hasn't really done it since he the time of the Civil War. But even though he's dead (undead?), he's still more emotionally alive than Dexter.

Dexter, 0; Bill, 2

BENEFITS/CONSEQUENCES OF BEING THEIR FRIEND: Dexter's social skills leave something to be desired, and if his secret is eventually revealed, you will forever be known as "that guy who was best friends with the worst serial killer in Miami history." But he's incredibly loyal to those he loves. And who knows? He may even protect you when you don't even know you need it (See: Debra and the Ice Truck Killer, or Angel and Lila.)

Bill's social ills are right out there in the open, so you know what you're getting into right away. He's 173 years old and a great conversationalist, so he could regale pals with hours of historical tales. But being friends with and/or dating Bill comes with social ramifications -- such as being called a Fangbanger -- and it also means that other, scarier vampires may show up at any time. No, thanks!

Dexter, 1; Bill, 2.

MAINSTREAMING: Dexter makes all the right moves to fit in: He's gainfully employed (as a crime fighter, no less!), he has a girlfriend/family, drives a mini-van and appears to lead a normal, middle America life.

Bill is polite and well-spoken. And even though he can seemingly travel at the speed of sound on his own, he drives a sweet BMW. Still, he's jobless, will never be able to meet you for brunch (daylight!)... and he sleeps in the floorboards of his house and drinks blood from a bottle. There's no contest.

Dexter 2; Bill, 2.

CLEAN-UP FACTOR: Dexter prepares for his bloodbaths using plastic tarps and duct tape. He maintains laser-like precision as he's dicing fools up.

Bill usually strikes without much warning, but can clean up his messes pretty well with his mouth.

Frankly, there are no guarantees when it comes to killing. With both men, you run the risk of seeing them covered in blood, which is not an 'it' accessory during any season. It's a draw.

Dexter, 2; Bill, 2

USE OF SKILLS: When it comes to murder, Dexter lives by a strict moral code. He only offs people who have gotten away with murder themselves. So technically, he's using his evil for good. Even though it's possible that he's killed more people than his victims combined.

Bill also eschews the habits of his more evil peers. He makes an effort to blend into society, and drinks synthetic blood to avoid feasting on humans. Bill won't use his bewitching skills unless it's absolutely necessary to save himself or a loved one, and he will defend humans against other vampires.

When all is said and done, though, there are probably more murderers running lose than vampires, making one man more useful to society.

Dexter, 3; Bill, 2.

Sorry, Bill. I still love you anyway.

Archie Warren Draper: Possum Hunter

2008-10-15T19:20:00.008-04:00

Summary haiku:
Bye, hidden possum.
Thanks for giving us our shed
back. And good riddance.

So, if you've been following any of my periodic Facebook updates, or if you happen to be a good friend of mine, you've probably heard about the ongoing saga of Archie and our shed.

Ever since this incident, in which Archie shimmied under the shed and I had to dig him out during a thunderstorm, he has been obsessed with circling and barking at the shed.

This was June 17. And Kyle boarded up the edges of the shed, right? So what the hell? Even if there was something under there, there's no way it could still be alive after nearly four months. Right?

Well, Kyle was off work today. So even though we've unboarded the shed a couple of different times to make sure there was nothing underneath, Kyle did it once more. And this time, he poked around underneath with a broom handle. And guess what happened?

A big, nasty possum scurried out, bearing its teeth. "Oh shit!," Kyle thought, trying to collect the pets and get them inside. (Unfortunately, Archie and Lucy were also outside at the time because Kyle was certain he'd find nothing new under there.)

Archie came ripping around the side of the shed -- no barking, no growling -- but he was gonna show the object of his summer-long obsession who owned this fucking yard. Kyle didn't see exactly what happened at first, but it ended Archie wrestling the possum, which was about the same size as him (17 pounds).

Kyle collected Lucy and Archie, while the possum just laid there. Kyle thought it was dead... but that whole playing possum cliche didn't come from nowhere.

(A moment of education, courtesy of Indiana University website: "Possums are famous for "playing dead" when threatened, but this isn't quite accurate. They are not "playing" dead at all: the possum goes into shock when particularly stressed. While not dead, it can be found lying on its side with its legs extended and is, in fact, limp and unconscious during this time, like a person who has fainted.")

About a minute later, Kyle looked out the kitchen window and saw the possum mosey over into the corner of the yard. That's when he called me and relayed the story.

Apparently, Archie bit the possum because it had a slight limp as it walked across the yard.

So of course, paranoid mom called the vet to make sure Archie wouldn't have any nasty possum diseases. (They said he'd be fine since he was up to date on his shots.)

But anyway. The shed has been re-boarded up at the bottom. And we're damn sure nothing is under there anymore (and that the possum has left our yard), because for the first time in months, Archie is just peacefully tooling around the yard, marking his territory. Which, of course, includes the same patch of shed from which the possum emerged. He peed on that part twice.

Need I mention how glad I am that I was working when all this took place?

Kyle's summary of the situation: "Possums are no joke."

Live blogging: Rock of Love Charm School

2008-10-14T21:59:00.006-04:00

(Note: Blogger was down when I tried to publish last night, so it's going up a day late.)

The opening scene shows a bus transporting the hooches from "Rock of Love" to their new school. It's a short bus! I'm sure that's no coincidence.

Courtney: Who is this chick? I don't even recognize her.

What in the hell is Heather wearing?

Lacey arrives with bright red hair. Someone says, "Her hair looks like my period."

Host Sharon Osbourne: "When I first laid eyes upon this group, I've never seen a more bizarre group of women in my life."

Megan looks like she's wearing a children's skirt.

Why do three of them have bright pink hair?

Rodeo walks like she has s dick. Maybe she does. But I think she has a kid... that's how her and Bret Michael bonded. Inquiring minds want to know!

Who is this woman with Girls Next Door white-blonde hair? She's wearing white pants with red underwear underneath. Classy.

Lacey and Dallas are already totally fighting. Dallas just beaned her in the side of the head with a giant apple. Awesome!

The chick with the red underwear is Raven, and she seems to think she's better than everyone else here. Newsflash: If you're on this show, you're a dipshit. There is no dipshit hierarchy here.

Oh, now I remember why I don't remember Courtney. She got drunk and passed out within the first 10 minutes of ROL.

Lacey tried to rip off Raven's bleach blonde wig ... except, it's attached to her head! It's a weave.

Courtney is drunk again. She fell over on her back. Then she passed out in a plant. Sheesh.

The hosts are showing the sluts video from their time on Rock of Love, so they can see what asses they made of themselves. (Like they didn't watch the show the first time around??)

Sharon to the belching, farting Brandi M: "You're behaving like a drunken pirate."

Raven thinks she's highly intelligent and better than everyone there. Again. Which would be easy to do in this bunch... unless you're Raven.

Courtney is still passed out with her crack hanging out of her pants. She wakes up and pulls herself together for the elimination process. Her eyes are bright red and bloodshot.

Boy, Sharon Osbourne has her hands full.

Raven decides to leave because she's too good for Charm School. "Somebody of my pedigree does not belong here." Maybe you're smart, Raven, but your look is not... you should have at least stayed for a makeover.

The drunk gets the boot, too.

Sharon just called Lacey and Dallas gremlins! But they'll live to see another lesson in manners and etiquette. Lucky us.

TV Inspired GPS Units: Getting There Is Half The Fun

2008-10-13T22:42:00.004-04:00

Forget KITT, I want Joy!

It recently came to my attention that Radio Shack released a GPS that speaks in the voice of KITT from Knight Rider. Now, let's be honest: How is that really much different than the grating robotic voices that plague any other navigation device?

On my own GPS, I listened to all 15 of my voice choices multiple times to determine which was the least annoying. I chose "Mandy" -- and after about three weeks of listening to her directions, I had to just mute the thing. Now, I just follow the arrows on the screen.

Anyway, I have a couple of problems with the idea of a KITT GPS. First, if a gadget company is going to try and make some money off of TV addicts, don't you think they should pick a better show than Knight Rider? The current remake of the show is really stinkin' awful.

Second, even if Knight Rider were good, would I really want to spend my car time listening to and/or (hypothetically) having a conversation with boring, condescending ol' KITT? Not so much.

So here are some suggestions for TV-inspired GPS units that I'd actually consider buying for entertainment purposes -- oh, and to help me reach my destination. And for fun, I've included things they might say. (If TomTom or Garvin suddenly comes up with this idea in six months, you saw it here first.)

Model: Joy Darville from My Name is Earl

Sample phrases: "Hey, numb nuts, you just missed your turn!"

"Your driving is makin' me sweat like a whore in church. Now, slow this thang down cuz you need to make a right in two blocks."

"Oh, sorry, sugar. (Chomps gum.) I was distracted by my boob glitter. You shoulda made a left back there. Turn around up here at the trailer park. Maybe we can grab a beer at the kegger while we're up there."

Model: Jim Halpert, the resident practical joker from The Office

Sample phrase: "You're going to want to take this next freeway exit. (Long pause.) No, wait! I was just kidding! Swerve back onto the highway. You actually want the next one."

Model: Tim Gunn, mentor on Project Runway

Sample phrases: "Your destination involves a lot of turns, but we're going to make it work."

"This traffic jam gives me pause. We're going to have to think hard about this and really edit ourselves."

Model: Beavis & Butt-head
Sample phrases:

Butt-head: "Uh, heh-heh, in two miles, uh, turn right on Astor Ave."

Beavis: "Heh heh heh. He said Ass-tor."

Butt-head: "Shut up, Beavis! Hey, uh, driver. Could you, uh, turn up the Metallica?"

Model: The cast from The Hills
Sample phrases:
Lauren: "Wait, I only know the way to Les Deux, Opera and Pinkberry. Are we going any of those places?"

Lo: "I dunno. Ask the driver. Hey, why is Audrina with us?"

Audrina: "Lo, you're super bitchy! Anyway, I have no idea how to get where we're going. I can't see the road because I'm too busy staring into never-never land."

Lauren: "Yeah, but the driver doesn't know how to get there, either. That's why we're here. We're supposed to help."

Whitney: "So, Lauren. Have you met any new boys? Are you going to respond to that letter Heidi sent you?"

Spencer: "What letter? God, why don't you hens shut up and give her the directions already! No wonder I hate all of you!"

I hate orange Dots.

2008-10-09T19:32:00.007-04:00

Dear Tootsie Company,

I love the Dots gumdrops that you are responsible for making. Love them. And according to the research I've done, you say that you create equal amounts of all five flavors.

I'd like to call bullshit on that. I cannot recall a time that I have purchased Dots at the movies, the grocery or at Target, where there has not been a disproportionate amount of red and orange Dots in comparison to the other colors. It makes my Dot eating much less pleasurable than if I were able to experience an explosion of fruity flavors mingling together in my mouth. Instead, I can always predict the taste that will be in my mouth: cherry and orange. Cherry and orange. Cherry and orange.

Every once in a GREAT while, I get a splash of delicious, chewy lemon or lime flavor. And that makes me sad, as the green and yellow Dots are my favorites. I don't really give a shit about the strawberry ones. They are a waste.

Recently, I purchased a bag of Halloween-sized boxes of Dots. So far, I have opened 13 of those boxes, and each contained 6 Dots. That's 78 Dots in all. And guess how many were green or yellow? Guess! 12. Not 12 of each color, either.

If you really made equal amounts of each color, I should have had 15.6 green ones and 15.6 yellow ones. So...

WHERE THE FUCK ARE THEY?

I had a really shitty day, and I haven't seen a green one in the last 4 boxes I opened. I hate orange Dots!

I'm not very good at math, but I'm certain I am better at it than the Chief Dot Counter at Tootsie. I'd be happy to take the job, if it becomes open.

Your immediate reply to this devastating situation would be appreciated. Orange Dots are almost as worthless as the strawberry ones.

Sincerely,
Maisy

Runway Recap: The Honeymoon Is Over For Jerell

2008-10-08T23:33:00.003-04:00

Oh, Project Runway, I was considering divorcing you after this lackluster season.

But just when I'm ready file for legal separation, you lure me back in with an interesting, fast-paced episode. So I guess for now, we'll renew our vows.

Perhaps I'm feeling all romantical -- PSA: I learned this "word" on Flavor of Love. Everyone, read more books! -- because Runway charged designers with not one, but two challenges to determine which three would show at Fashion Week. We'll give you a hint: The competitions had to do with weddings.

Since the show moved along in short segments -- the designers all got home visits from Tim while they worked on collections -- it seemed like a perfect reason to write this recap in short snippets.

That's right, friends. It's haiku time.

Designers got an

eight thousand dollar budget

to make ten fierce looks.

The catch: One had to

be a wedding dress. Boo hoo!

No one wants this.

Kenley complained: The

others sabotaged her at

the last runway show.

Someone get me a

tissue. She's an innocent

flower! Poor, poor thing.

Korto: Arkansas.

Collection looks gorgeous, bright.

Yellows and greens.

One dress looks like a

vagina, Tim warns. Reptile-

print slit gives him pause.

Korto does African

drumming for Tim, shows off her

family and friends.

Leanne in Portland:

Collection inspired by

waterfront and waves.

Leanne and Tim

rode a tandem bike. Bike has

two baskets and bell.

Worse, Tim was wearing

a bicycle helmet and made

whimpering noises.

"Whooooa. Whooooa." Doesn't he

take taxis in New York? That

seems much scarier.

Rewind. "Whooooa. Whoooa. Whoooa."

I can't help it. It's funny

as hell. (Love you, Tim.)

Jerell in L.A.

He's grown a goatee, but is

wearing normal clothes.

Wow. His garments are

super gaudy. Flashback to

Olympic challenge.

Kenley in Brooklyn.

Tim calls her "sweetheart." Did Tim

have lobotomy?

Her fabrics are hand-

painted, pretty. She's humble.

(No, not a typo.)

Everybody meets

back in New York. Nobody

wants to see Kenley.

She arrives, says "sorry

for being a bitch." Water

under the bridge. Hugs!

New challenge: Make a

bridesmaid dress to match wedding

gown. Loser gets auf'd!

On the runway, it's

ball and chain time. Wedding gowns,

bridesmaid dresses shown.

Oh Jerell, what went

wrong since last time? He made a

Bridezilla set.

Bride dress has boob flaps,

jewels, gray netting. She has a

bouquet on her head.

Maid's dress: A drab, blue,

wrinkly mess. She'll never meet

a boy wearing that!

Leanne's dreamy frocks

impress judges. Nina too!

"Romantic, modern."

(I used to think L

was boring, but she might

have this thing sewn up.)

Korto's dresses are

the same, exact color. Why?

Also, overworked.

Heidi: "I would not

want to be the bride." (Amen,

sister!) "It never ends!"

Kenley dazzles with

feathered wedding gown and short,

cute, blue bridesmaid dress.

Judges dub Leanne

and Kenley the best. Korto

and Jerell wait, scared.

Sorry, Jerell. Your

gharish showgirl gowns will go

back in garment bags.

It's three ladies in

the finals. Next week: Season ends!

(Rewind to bike scene.)

Top Chef

2008-10-08T20:41:00.004-04:00

Remember when you were a teenager and you used to daydream: "I wonder what I'll be doing in 10 (or 15 or 20) years?"

Well, I don't really remember what I thought I'd be doing at age 35, but I'm fairly certain it did not involve slaving over a hot stove cooking dinner for ... my dog. But Lucy has an upset stomach, so to help settle it, I made her a "bland meal" of white rice and chicken. (They sell these bland meals at the vet, too, but by the time I got home from work and saw that she was sick, my vet was already closed.)

I hate that she's feeling bad, and I didn't mind doing it. But as I was cutting up the chicken breast, I had time to put it all in perspective: I cooked dinner for my dog, but got something from the to-go deli at Kroger for myself.

Non-issue-related debate observations

2008-10-07T21:24:00.004-04:00

Is it just me, or do John McCain's arms look super short tonight? They look like baby arms on an adult body.

I (heart) Chelsea Handler

2008-10-03T22:33:00.003-04:00

I'm a total night owl, not always by choice. Sometimes I just can't sleep. So over the years, programs like The Tonight Show, The Late Show -- and on really sleepless nights, The Late Late Show -- have become my friends. And perhaps not for the reason you'd think. Much of the time, I could successfully nod off while watching, save for the occasional stupid pet trick or off-the-beaten-path celebrity interview.

But ever since E! launched Chelsea Lately, my nighttime routine has changed. I actually make an effort to stay awake until midnight (even when I'm actually tired enough to fall asleep early), just so I can check out host Chelsea Handler and her antics. I can tell you right now, it's worth losing sleep over.

Here are the top reasons Handler (who coincidentally used to be a correspondent for The Tonight Show) gets my vote for best late-night talk show host:

1. The show format is fresh.

Handler spends the first part of her show conducting a roundtable discussion with special guests, usually composed of pop culture experts and comedians. It feels like you're in on a comfortable, after-work happy hour discussion with friends, instead of being spoken to for several minutes. A brief comedy sketch, celebrity interview, and sometimes, a musical guest round out the program.

2. She's a spot of pink in a sea of blue.

Late-night television has long been dominated by men, so I love seeing a woman's sense of humor and point of view at the forefront. You'd never see David Letterman commiserating with Melissa Joan Hart about how much of a chore it is to squeeze into Spanx.

3. She's funny. And a little vulgar.
No doubt, Letterman and Jay Leno are funny, too. But I always let loose gut-busting laughs during Chelsea Lately. Her delivery is always spot-on, and because she's on E!, she can be a little bit freer with what she says. She speaks her mind -- and sometimes it's pretty dirty, but in a creative way. (For example, she often refers to lady parts as Peekachoos or Hot Pockets.) I can't help it, I always wonder what she's going to say next. Speaking of that...

4. She conducts great, no-holds-barred interviews.

While many late-night hosts are content to let stars prattle on and on about their upcoming movie or something their toddler did last week (Zzzzz), Handler has admitted that's not how she rolls. Instead, she asks her guests things that people really want to know.

Right after Brooke Hogan's mother started dating a 19-year-old, Handler asked Brooke pointed questions and really got her to open up about how she was handling it. Handler called out Michael Lohan out on his too-tight jeans ("You have camel balls!"). And she joked with Tate Donovan that he was still sexy in spite of his red hair: "But (because of that), you'll never be a full throttle sex pot."

Often, Handler's breezy interview style brings out the carefree jokester in her subjects as well.

5. She interviews musicians.

Music artists never get interviewed by hosts; they're always being relegated to the musical performance portion of late night talk shows (unless they are big ticket names like Jay-Z or Beyonce). But Handler has actual conversations with folks like Fat Joe and Natasha Bedingfield and lets them perform.

6. She's got good style.

Sorry, but if you've seen one guy in a dark suit, you've seen them all. Handler is always wearing an outfit that seems classic and current at the same time – and she's got great, great shoes. I love checking out her ensembles.

7. Chuy!

Having a flamboyantly gay sidekick is so 2001. Handler's assistant is Chuy, a quick-witted, Mexican, little person who is always delivers the best one-liners. He's also a frequent star in the show's sketches.

8. She's an edgy alternative to years of sameness.

After having her own (somewhat inconsistent) self-titled comedy sketch show for a while, Handler seems more comfortable in her new role. She's found her niche and I'm on board. Except for the "Headlines" portion of The Tonight Show, I'm pretty much committed to Chelsea Lately. Which means my snooze bar gets a mean workout every morning.

Runway Recap: Is Jerell Homeless?

2008-10-01T22:49:00.008-04:00

Let’s discuss something: Does anyone else wonder how Project Runway’s Jerell can make decent garments when he always looks totally disheveled? Seriously, this man could not look any worse if he picked up the scraps from the workroom floor every week and found a haphazard way to affix them to his body.

Case in point: Last night, he wore a shredded straw hat and beat-up cargo shorts with a sleeveless hoodie; said hoodie had a deep V in front, and was made of a paper thin t-shirt material with a swirly print. (Sadly, there was no picture of that outfit on the website... you'd have loved it.)

Later, on the runway, he showed up in a icky, floppy-neck shirt underneath a sweater vest tunic that had old-man-style plaid pockets. It was like the poor man’s version of Henry Fonda in On Golden Pond.

But maybe in an effort to “update” this geezer look, Jerell wore it with pants (or were they capris?) That looked like they’d lost a battle with a weed wacker.

I’ve seen more pulled together looks on the homeless. And don’t even get me started on that ridiculous Boy Scout hat with chains he donned mid-season.

Still, Jerell pulled another rabbit out of his hat and won Wednesday night’s challenge: To create an evening gown design inspired by nature.

The designers took pics at the botanical gardens, then chose one photo to inspire their dresses. But now that we’re down to four designers, much of the show was dedicated to what a kind and humble young woman Kenley is, and how much everyone likes her.

The show began with Kenley blaming Leanne for her own glaring failure of a hip-hop outfit during the last week’s challenge: “I think she did a little bit of sabotage when she didn’t sell my outfit on the runway. She made it look like a fool’s outfit.”

Merriam-Webster definition of sabotage: “An act or process tending to hamper or hurt.” Actually, Kenley, my recollection is that you sabotaged Leanne’s crotch with those gross, so-not-hip-hop jeans last week.

But, no worry. Let’s move on.

“I had a hard time with the last challenge,” Kenley said, completely forgetting it was all Leanne’s fault, “so I hope this challenge is something I usually do.”

Dictionary definition of challenge: “To arouse or stimulate especially by presenting with difficulties.”

(But I do hear ya, Kenley. I had a really hard time with my last diet, so I hope my next one involves eating at the Indian buffet for every meal and buying Twix bars in bulk at Costco.)

Kenley talked more about how she loved herself and hates the other designers’ work. The other three shunned her. She probably does deserve it, but they were so obvious about it, it reminded me of that Sesame Street song “One Of These Things Is Not Like The Others.”

And considering everyone’s gowns had problems at judging – Jerell’s and Leanne’s seemed unfinished; Korto’s was too “beauty pageant” – they probably would have been better served to spend more time sewing and less time talking smack.

That said, Kenley spent all her time on her dress and it was a hot mess, too. Think Barney-colored reptile mated meets mermaid (the dress shape) meets an artichoke (the weird fin-looking things at the bottom). I like edgy, but it was just ...ew to me.

Still, to mimic the rest of PR’s blah season, this episode ended in an anti-climactic way: Nobody got the boot. All four will create collections for Fashion Week.

At this point, I’m rooting for Jerell. And if he wins, part of his prize should be a makeover on Tim Gunn’s Guide to Style. I'm just sayin'.

The middle finger makes me smile.

2008-09-28T17:54:00.005-04:00

Summary haiku:
If I wanted a
scratched car, bitch, I would have bought
a damn jalopy.

It happens all the time and I've even bitched about it before. But some days, when people leave carts strewn about the parking lot, it just gets on my last nerve.

After a long and extremely annoying day at work, I had to stop at Target and return a fan that I spent 35 minutes trying to unsuccesfully assemble. It was hot and I was dressed up in heels, so lugging this giant box sucked.

Twenty minutes later, I came out of Target (with a new, improved giant box) only to watch this stupid, lazy whore empty her shopping cart, then push the cart up between all the cars... and it ended up resting against my bumper.

Of course, the fucking cart corral was right behind her. Not ten cars away, or even two. She would have had to walk directly across the aisle to slip it in. In fact, unless she had really bad aim, she actually could have shoved it from her trunk and returned the cart to the proper area without even taking any extra steps.

Why do people do this?

I don't know... it was just the last straw of my day. I slammed down my fan box next to my car and I was like, "Are you kidding me right now? Are you REALLY going to leave that cart up against my car? The corral is right there!," pointing about four feet away from her gigantic SUV.

Holding her iced Starbucks in one hand, she glared at me like I'd just eaten a kitten's face off. I took her cart and moseyed it over to the corral real slow -- which, since it was behind her, prevented her from pulling out of her space for a few minutes.

I walked be her window and smiled real big. She flipped me off.

And I think it was the first time I ever felt pretty good after being given the bird.

Project Runway: Hip-hop hooray! Wait... what is hip-hop?

2008-09-24T23:20:00.009-04:00

It's been a long time since I so thoroughly enjoyed an episode of Project Runway.

With five designers left, the challenge was a recipe for drama and disaster: They had to make outfits for each other. And to further the complications, each garment was to be inspired by a different music genre.

Also, LL Cool J -- who is starting his own clothing line -- was the guest judge. And I cannot complain about any program that provides eye candy like that.

Anyway, here's how it all shook down. Jerell would be creating a pop look for Kenley. Kenley was to make a hip-hop ensemble for Leanne. Leanne was charged with making a country outfit for Korto. Korto was assigned a punk outfit for Suede. And Suede would make a rock look for Jerell.

From there, it was pure comedy, starting with Leanne and Kenley trying to figure out what hip-hop looked like. Kenley: "What would you want to wear if you were a hip-hop artist?" Leanne: "I'll totally do all gangster." Kenley: "I think everyone is wearing high-waisted jeans right now, and it's going to be awesome." Has Kenley actually ever seen a hip-hop video?

Then Leanne busts the worst rhyme that has ever been televised in the history of the world. I was so embarrassed for her, I had to close my eyes.

Back to Kenley: "I'm going to do something really cool that looks good on her. I'm not going to make her look like a fool." Clearly, Kenley has never seen rappers Eve (who has become a bit of a style icon) or Queen Latifah, who is a freakin' Cover Girl.

Later, Kenley asks Leanne to try on her jeans and discovered the crotch was insanely baggy and ill-fitting. When Kenley grabbed the extra fabric, Leanne exclaimed: "You're grabbing my crotch Kenley!" Finally! Ladies, crotch-grabbing is totally hip-hop.

On to the runway... and in honor of LL Cool J (swoon), we've assigned one of his songs to describe each look.

"Big Ole Butt" -- Leanne

Song quote: "When I went home, I kissed my girl on the cheek/but in the back of my mind it was this big butt freak."

As a woman with some junk in her trunk, I meant this song assignment in the nicest possible way. Leanne did Korto and her ample backside proud with a figure-flattering skirt/top/belt/scarf outfit. The judges didn't think it was country enough, but it hugged her curves well.

"Why Do You Think They Call It Dope?" -- Jerell

Song quote: "You better take a chill and observe the skill/of the man who can, so understand.... damn."

Jerell's fishnet laden minidress for Kenley was bangin'. I'll just let him describe it for himself. "Kenley Spears would be rocking this at Madison Square Garden and then probably be kickin' her panties off in the back of a limosine. That's the kind of outfit I've created."

"Dear Yvette" – Kenley

Song quote: "I'm glad you ain't my sister, then again if you was/I'd have to treat you like you was my distant cuz."

Not only is Kenley a witch to everyone on the show, her badly-crafted design also revealed how completely out of touch she is with pop culture.

"It Gets No Rougher" – Suede

Song quote: "Your battleship is sinkin' in quicksand/Strappin' to the bottom like a two-ton anchor."

Suede's rock and roll pants/tank/vest outfit was OK, but lacked the accessories and edge needed to wow the judges. He got the boot.

"I'm Bad"– Korto

Song quote: "I'm the pinnacle, that means I reign supreme/I'm notorious, I'll crush you like a jellybean!"

After making perfectly-fitting metallic black jeans for Suede, Korto distressed them with bleach and paired them with a well thought out top. She topped the whole thing off with tons of chains. She's declared the winner.

Break out the KITT-Kats, it's time for Knight Rider!

2008-09-23T23:45:00.005-04:00

The only thing better than watching your favorite TV show is tuning in with your own personal peanut gallery. If I had the time and energy (and if my friends actually watched all the crap I watch), I'd host viewing parties every night of the week.

I really love the idea of creating a theme party, and often it can be done with stuff you already have at home or with relatively little expense. Here are some ideas I'm toying with:

Survivor
The show: Contestants starve, camp, compete and argue for a cash prize.
Snacks: Starving and camping inspired foods: 10 grains of rice for each guest; pork ‘n' beans; S'mores; water (boiled for cleanliness). Offer twigs as utensils.
Decor: Easy decorations could include things we take for granted, such as deodorant, toothpaste, shampoo and clean underwear. You could also uild a kiddie shelter out of couch cushions, chairs and sheets. If you're feeling ambitious, drag a TV and a really long extension cord into the back yard and set up all of the above in a giant camping tent.

Knight Rider
The show: A remake of the 1980s favorite about a man and his futuristic car.
Snacks: Stoplight Jell-O shots in red, yellow and green; pasta salad made with wheel shaped pasta; Kit(t)-Kats.
Decor: Hot Wheels; traffic cones; a GPS (which is as close as we will get to our own KITT); and for nostalgia purposes, you must have this David Hasselhoff poster.

Nip/Tuck
The show: Plastic surgeons from Miami make their way in L.A. while dealing with myriad egos and personal dramas.
Snacks: Boobie cookies; prescription pain killers; and Julia's favorite fruit cake (minus poison).
Decor: Toy scalpels (Halloween is coming, so stock up); hand-held mirrors; wax lips; silicone push-up pads (removed from Victoria's Secret bras); Sharpies (circle your cellulite during the commercials!).

Californication
Snacks: Viagra, vodka, marijuana.
Decor: A candy dish filled with condoms, brochures to Sex Addicts Anonymous; Mood rings. (Get it? Hank Moody!)

Rock of Love Tour Bus
The show: Slated for early 2009, Bret Michaels will look for another girlfriend (cough*hooch*cough) as he travels around the country on a bus performing at state fairs.
Snacks: Insulin, Budweiser, HoHos, penicillin.
Decor: Personalized back stage passes for each guest; roses; thorns; tubes of black liquid eyeliner.

Dexter
The show: While working in Miami's crime lab, a sociopath lives an underground life as a serial killer.
Snacks: Blood oranges (naturally), donuts (which Dex always brings to his girlfriends and coworkers), tteak and beer (Dexter's dinner of choice).
Decor: Miniature plastic dolls in tiny body bags; and the tools of Dexter's trade: Saran Wrap, blood slides, and duct tape.

Easy Money
The show: A drama series about a family of loan sharks.
Snacks: If you're struggling financially because you're in debt, this might be a perfect party for you to throw. Serve wine in a box; Ramen noodles; chocolate coins.
Decor: Credit counseling information; Monopoly money; Suze Orman books.

America's Toughest Jobs
The show: A reality competition in which people are thrust into dangerous and demanding jobs, such as logging, ice-fishing and oil drilling.
Snacks: Coffee (served in Thermoses); big, meaty, Dagwood sandwiches; potato chips.
Decor: Hard hats, insulated cooler lunch box (serve the food out of these); steel toe boots and Carhaart jackets.

Keeping Up With the Kardashians
The show: Follows ample-bottomed Kim Kardashian's family, which includes the thousand or so siblings birthed by her mother, Kris.
Snacks: Honey Buns, cornbread; Sister Starseeker cocktails.
Decor: Hair extensions; business cards to your favorite family therapist; Kim's Playboy issue.

The Ex List
The show: After a psychic tells a woman that her soulmate is a man that she's already dated, she sets out to find him.
Snacks: Break-up staples such as ice cream and red wine, followed by get-skinny-again snacks like carrots and celery.
Decor: Photos that you've ripped your exes' face out of; old journals; a drunk-dialing phone list.

The Hills
The show: Lauren Conrad and her friends engage in repetitive, vapid conversations about themselves and boys.
Snacks: A menu inspired by the vapid Hills stars: Rice cakes (filled with air, just like the conversations); oxygen bar (see the pattern here?); Red Bull (for staying alert during the 418th discussion about Audrina and Lauren's splintered friendship).
Decor: A stack of applicable tabloids; gigantic sunglasses; a barf bag (for Heidi and Spencer scenes); and a dictionary and Boggle game, in order to replenish lost brain cells during commercial breaks.

Emmy Fashion: Strapless Dresses Reign; Sandra Oh Shines.

2008-09-21T23:09:00.004-04:00

Sandra Oh and Eva Longoria were among the fashion standouts at the 60th Annual Emmy Awards Sunday night.

It was a night rich with long, flowing dresses and tresses; splashes of color; metallics; straplessness; and flashy jewelry.

As always, classic black dresses were popular on the red carpet, but Oh's black Oscar de la Renta gown was a cut above the rest. Varying textures on the top (lace) and bottom (which had subtle sparkles) were spliced together with a simple black sash that tied in a bow. Her enormous diamond stud earrings were the perfect compliment.

Meanwhile, Longoria defied the floor-length gown norm with her short, matte silver dress, which featured a giant jeweled bow on top and flapper-like fringe on the bottom. Her charcoal smoky eyes, nude lipstick and sleek bob hairstyle completed her memorable and modern look.

America Ferrera was anything but ugly in a strapless, black ruched dress had great shape and lots of personality. She paired it with wavy, flowing locks, red lips and a chunky Fred Leighton necklace for a sophisticated elegant look.

Jenna Fischer, The Office's resident frumpster, was stunning in a Grecian style Gustavo Cadile gown that blended shades of seafoam green, light gray and aqua. The casual feel of her long, wavy locks made her look effortlessly beautiful.

In her metallic gray, off the shoulder gown, Heidi Klum also sported a head-turning capelet.

Ugly Betty's Vanessa Williams was lovely in a black, white and rose print gown by Kevan Hall, with one rhinestone shoulder strap. She topped it off with the perfect diamond drop earrings.

In a green, body-hugging gown, Christina Hendricks of Mad Men showed off her curvaceous figure and the color was a gorgeous complement to her red hair. As for other pretty jewel tones, Nicolette Sheridan turned up in a strapless purple gown, while Brooke Shields was fantastic in strapless fuschia and Tina Fey was elegant in eggplant.

Christina Applegate was a vision in an ice blue asymmetrical dress with metallic patches, pulled-back hair and classic red lipstick.

A few celebs were just a shade shy of perfect. Jennifer Love Hewitt's black and white, strapless Carolina Herrera dress stood out in a crowd, but her big, kinky up 'do looked like something I would have done in high school – and that was in the late 1980s, people. Not a good thing.

Mariska Hargitay was beautiful in her show-stopping, canary yellow asymmetrical dress with a bow on one shoulder and her loose up 'do was divine. But those yellow earrings were a little too much.

Teri Hatcher was ho-hum in a bright yellow dress, which might have been more special if it weren't shown up by Hargitay's number.

The silhouette, shape and back of Julia Louis-Dreyfus' Narciso Rodriguez criss-cross dress was wonderful. But it was salmon, which was reminiscnet of a 1980s bridesmaid, and there was a peekaboo of skin below her chest that didn't scream elegance.

And then, there were the unfortunate.

I only saw January Jones for a moment, when the camera panned over her. But after seeing the Mad Men actress wear so many stylish period dresses on the show, I wasn't impressed by her white mermaid dress. Its bustier top and many seams throughout looked more Frederick's of Hollywood than Hollywood.

Marcia Cross' gown, with its lacy floral overlay on top and poufy netting on the bottom, seemed like it wanted to be champagne colored, but it ended up looking like a used tea bag. The unremarkable color didn't flatter her skin tone, and the dress hit her mid-calf. Thumbs down, especially after seeing another redhead (Hendricks) do her coloring so proud. Cross should have hopped on that jewel tones bus.

Finally, Kathy Griffin's outfit wasn't necessarily on the D-List, but it didn't make the grade. I was all about her strapless, mocha and light pink damask print mermaid gown until the camera panned down to that hideous bow made of baby-poop-green netting that tied around the largest part of her hips – which aren't big, by any means, but still. Yuck.

The Emmys: Knee-jerk reaction

2008-09-21T21:02:00.003-04:00

Oh my God. Just when I thought I'd been subjected to enough torture by watching that grueling, boring opening featuring all the reality show hosts, I am now watching Josh Groban perform his medley of TV themes.

This guy is a tool. These shows are horrible. I'm only watching because I feel like I didn't get to see enough outfits on the red carpet.

I think I'm going to get some wine.

The Tribe Has Spoken: These TV Catchphrases Need To Be Fired

2008-09-21T14:59:00.004-04:00

This guy (above) coaches men on how to pick up ladies. But do you know any women who would date a guy with a hat like that??

When Survivor began in 2000, it spawned a catchphrase that would become a part of pop-culture vernacular: “The Tribe Has Spoken.” And to be fair, it was a pretty good elimination line, considering the premise of the show.
Since that time, scores of competition-style reality shows have booted people off with lines that are lame, that beat around the bush, or that are just straight-up uncreative. Sure, most of these phrases are probably designed to leave the rejects with some dignity, but let’s face it: How much dignity do you really have if you sign up for shows like these?
The worst we’ve heard in a while – from VH1's Glam God – was our inspiration for this story. So, here are the shows with the worst elimination lines, and our suggestions for a replacement.

Glam God
Show premise: Twelve stylists compete for the title of ‘Glam God.’
Exit line: “Continue to reach for the stars, because you're not ready to style them.”
Proposed phrase: “Mr. Blackwell would be appalled.”

The Pick-Up Artist
The premise: A bunch of doofuses are coached on how to seduce women by a giant tool named Mystery.
Exit line: “Game over.”
Proposed phrase: “See you on Match.com.” Or, "Go fuck yourself."

Project Runway
The premise: Fashion designers compete for a cash prize and a chance to show a collection at Fashion Week.
Exit line: “You’re out.”
Proposed phrase(s): “You’re out – like a banana clip.” Or,“You’re out – like stirrup pants.”

America’s Next Top Model
The premise: Tall, skinny young lovelies compete for a modeling contract and magazine spread.
Exit line: “You are no longer in the running to become America’s Next Top Model.”
Proposed phrase: “Girl, you broke the camera! Now, please, go eat a sandwich.”

The Apprentice: Martha Stewart
The premise: A contest to get hired by the domestic diva.
Exit line: “You just don’t fit in.”
Proposed catchphrase: “You’ve singed your souffle.”

I Want To Work For Diddy
The premise: A contest to become Diddy’s personal assistant.
Exit line: “You’re not ready to work for Diddy.”
Proposed phrase: “You’ve been snuffed by Puff.”

Beauty and the Geek
The premise: Attractive women and nerdy guys live together in a mansion and pair up for competitions.
Exit line: “I have to ask you to leave the mansion.”
Proposed phrase: “Nobody watches this show, so your 15 minutes of pretend fame are up.”

Rock of Love
The premise: Skanks of all flavors compete to be Bret Michaels girlfriend, and follow him on tours to state fairs and high school proms.
Exit line: “Your tour ends here.”
Proposed phrase: “Now you’ll never have to see what’s underneath this wig.”

Shear Genius
The premise: Hair stylists enter a hair-cutting contest.
Exit line: “This was your final cut.”
Proposed phrase: “You make a mullet look stylish.”

I Love Money
Show premise: Former contestants from Rock of Love and Flavor of Love compete in various challenges to win $250,000.
Exit line: “Your check has been voided.”
Proposed phrase: “Get a real job.”

Reading books

2008-09-18T20:19:00.004-04:00

I haven't done it in a while. Magazines, sure. But I haven't had the time or attention span for books lately. Probably because I can't stand to read a book over the course of a month ... or a week, even. When I read, I don't fuck around. I like to blaze through books in a day or two.

I've always been a really fast reader. But and if I let a book sit for two long in between reads, it's hard for me to go back to it. It's one of my quirks. Whatever.

So it was cool, during my week-long vacation, to devour some books as I listened to ocean waves crash up on shore. Relaxing!

Here's what I read:

"The Unauthorized Biography of Tom Cruise" by Andrew Morton: Wow. A super interesting read about a famous, controlling guy with a raging case of little man's syndrome. But the stuff about Cruise was overshadowed by all the inside information about Scientology, based on tons of research and interviews with high-up people who eventually left the cult. To each their own, I guess. But I can't believe people really believe in this stuff.

"Secrets of a Shoe Addict" by Beth Harbison: This book came to me in a press release at work. It was OK. A bunch of PTA moms who barely know each other go on a school trip to Las Vegas and get into some financial trouble. So they come home and earn money as phone sex operators and become friends. It had its charming moments and it was an easy read, but overall is was ... meh.

"Shopaholic and Baby" by Sophie Kinsella: My friend Pam sent me this book months ago, and as much as I love SK, I never got around to reading it. (I blame the dogs and the television for this.) In the book, shopaholic Becky Bloomwood is back, and this time she's having a baby. It's a really cute read, and when you read it, this phrase will forever crack you up: "She's a red-headed bitch and I hate her."

"My Sister's Keeper" by Jodi Picoult: An incredible work of fiction that is beautifully written and charming and touching and thought-provoking. A young girl who has spent her entire 13 years donating blood, bone marrow and other things to her sister, who has cancer, sues her parents for medical emancipation when they ask her to donate a kidney. It's a brilliant piece of work, and not as much of a tearjerker as it sounds like. The author's breezy writing propels you through.

So, any more suggestions?

Project Runway: Workin' for a living

2008-09-18T00:08:00.003-04:00

Oh, college, how I miss you.

Who doesn't long for the good old days: When showing up to class with bedhead and a hangover could be considered a badge of honor. When boxer shorts and t-shirt from a fraternity party seemed like a completely acceptable outfit. When the thought of having a real job wasn’t quite on your radar yet.

But every college grad needs a reality check, and six of them got it last night on Project Runway. Designers had to create a makeover look for recent graduates, transforming them from jeans-and-wifebeater wearers to professional young ladies.

And in the end, the resulting designs take me back to some of my own past jobs...

Bus girl: Scraping people’s breakfast remnants off a plate and cleaning up the crap their kids dropped on the carpeted floor can be a pretty thankless job. But I’d rather do that than be caught dead in Suede’s revolting jacket and dress ensemble. He sucked all the fun out of a lively, Pucci-style print by pairing it with the ugliest jacket known to man.

Entertainment reporter: This is a fun job with a lot of variety, just like Korto’s leafy wrap dress, which she put underneath a textured khaki jacket with leather piping. It was interesting and lively, just like a conversation with the late George Carlin.

Hardware slinger: In high school, I worked at hardware store slinging nuts, bolts and what have you. Just as hammers and nails are basic things everyone should have in their tool box, a dress and jacket ensemble are good staples for a closet. Sadly, Leanne’s drab offerings generated about as much interest I had in this job... which is why I left when something better came along.

Secretary: In this job, I had to be friendly and personable. And as much as it pains me to say it (because let’s face it, Kenley is such a conceited asshat), this describes her vintage-inspired dress. It’s fairly fresh and cute and I’d wear it to greet just about anyone. However, not unlike a secretary’s duties, Kenley’s designs seem little bit repetitive each week. Is it just me, or is she a one-trick pony?

Famous novelist: OK, OK, I haven’t really had this job. (Yet.) But if I did and if my hips were smaller, I would totally wear Jerell’s high-waisted pencil skirt, slinky top and man-inspired cardigan to many a book-signing. It was the perfect look for his client’s body type... and it won him the challenge! His look and his college grad will appear in Elle magazine as a prize.

Clerk at a health club: During college, I worked at a fitness center, where I checked membership cards and signed out basketballs and racquetballs. But, I also had to do members’ laundry if they so desired. I’m sure you can imagine how totally awesome it was when a guy slapped his sweaty jockstrap, shorts and socks up on the counter after two hours on the basketball court.
It was just as awesome as Joe’s frumpy skirt suit, channeled straight from the 1980s, minus the shoulder pads.

The judges hated it, and Joe is the latest designer to bite the dust.

Project Runway: Hey, Ratbones! I'm home!

2008-09-03T23:28:00.003-04:00

Right around 9:57 p.m., my dog, Archie – who was perched on the couch cushion behind my head – was in the middle of a righteous yawn when he belched out loud. Even he looked startled by it. And I don’t think the timing was a coincidence. It totally summed up how I felt about Wednesday night’s episode of Project Runway, which kind of made me wish I’d finished watching the second hour of America’s Next Top Model.

But since I didn’t, here’s the low-down:

Designers were charged with creating a look for Diana Von Furstenburg’s fall collection. DVF tells the contestants she was inspired by Marlene Dietrich in the 1943 film, “A Foreign Affair” – kind of a 1930s and 1940s spy/traveler/entertainer look. The winning design will be produced and sold exclusively to American Express cardholders (shameless plug alert!).

Kenley gets verklempt at the opportunity and starts sobbing. “I love Diane Von Furstenberg. I would be happy to win this one and that’s it.” Hey, there’s no crying in fashion! Oh, wait.

All the designers but Kenley decide to make multiple pieces, as DVF’s collection was composed of ensembles with multiple layers. Kenley decided on a dress.

In the workroom, Korto again channeled Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. Even when her words seemed to convey happiness, her tone was clinically depressed. Looking at her dress, she said “I love my colors” in the same way I’d say “Someone broke into my house and stole all my shoes.”

And after a having completely first-person speak week, Suede is back to Suede’s old tricks again. Maisy wants to thrust shishkabob skewers into her ears!

On to the runway!

Joe has been very pleased with himself this challenge, but it’s hard to see why. He draped a sparkly, hoodie-shawl thing over a hideous backless Asian-inspired top, and paired them with a lopsided belt and a skirt with an uneven hem.

Leanimal, the silent fashion assassin, had another successful week with a gorgeous, detailed violet gown underneath a short gray jacket.

Terri’s pants/fireworks blouse/mohair coat combo is good enough to qualify her for the next round.

Jerell combined bronze glittery fabric with black and cobalt blue to create a three piece look. But I was distracted by his model’s Boy Scout cap, which was similar to one Jerell wore a few weeks ago, sans all the gold, dangly crap hanging from it.

Korto actually cracks a smile when her cute, full-length printed dress and jacket ensemble come down the runway. This may be the first time we’ve seen her teeth all season.

Don’t even get me started on Blayne’s foolish pants. Are they gauchos? Are they knickers? Are they short MC Hammer pants? I can tell you one thing they are: So hideous that I can’t even remember the rest of his outfit.

Suede’s updated camo print dress – which made his skinny model look totally hippy – and herringbone vest got a thumbs-down from judges.

Stella turned in double-sided a halter vest and pants suit with puckered seams, and cape that judges likened to Dracula or a magician.

Kenley’s colorful dress was pretty and tailored, but seemed too simple in comparison to everyone else’s full-on ensembles.

Later, the judges gushed over Korto’s look, and not once did she look relieved or joyful. “Thank you.” (Sounded like: “My husband just left me.”) “Thank you again.” (“The bank just foreclosed on my house.”)

But for the second week in a row, Leanne was victorious.

In the end, Joe and Stella were in the bottom two. (Cue Archie belch here.) But all the abracadabra in the world couldn’t save Stella from her cape(r) gone wrong. Poof! She’s out.

Now, fair's fair. What happened on Top Model?

Top Model's Top 10 Hardest Challenges

2008-09-01T15:35:00.004-04:00

No matter how predictable America's Next Top Model can be each season -- can Tyra Banks please stop those breathless utterings during elimination? -- producers and Banks still know how to inject some unpredictable life into the show. For instance, during the upcoming 11th season, er, cycle, we'll see our first transgender contestant, Isis Tsunami.

But the bulk of the surprise often comes in the form of crazy, unenviable challenges that will make you so grateful that you're sitting on your couch eating popcorn -- as a spectator. So in anticipation of the new installation of ANTM, which starts back up on Wednesday, here are my picks for the Top 10 most difficult challenges to date:

10. Sweaty, Smelly, Stunning?: If there are two times when people don't look their best, it's when they've been camping or after a strenuous workout. To my knowledge, Tyra doesn't do camping... but she did have models race up 14 flights of stairs in season three, and then immediately participate in an impromptu photo shoot. Sadly, none of them had enough energy left to kick Tyra's ass.

9. Stilt-walk: In a challenge that seemed better suited for exotic dancers, models in season six had to practice their balance by strutting around in 10-inch platform heels. I remember covering my eyes and drawing in a sharp breath as a few models' ankles bent into 90 degree ankles before my eyes. Not surprisingly, injuries ensued.

8. Freak Show: I know how awesome I always feel when I have a blemish or a bad hair day. So being charged with looking attractive as a circus freak (think Bearded Lady, Elephant Woman, Cannibal) was a seemingly impossible task. Truly, some looked less ugly than others, but the results were hard to look at.

7. Laser Precision: In a cycle eight Mission: Impossible-like challenge, the girls had to manuever through a maze of laser beams, striking lovely poses amongst their attempts at graceful contortion. It required flexibility and a real awareness of one's body, both of which are more easily achieved after a few glasses of wine – which, of course, the girls did not get.

6. Ice Bath: In season seven, models posed as nymphs while immersed in ice-cold water. And unlike the average person, they hadn't a shred of body fat for insulation. And I don't care how cute you are, it's hard to look gorgeous when your teeth are chattering.

5. Death Becomes Her: In one of ANTM's eeriest challenges, models in cycle four had to pose as one of the seven deadly sins. In a casket. Which was lowered into a six-foot hole with a crane. Shudder.

4. Creepy Crawlies: Models put on a brave face in cycle three when they were forced to pose for photographs holding a cute, furry, live .... tarantula. This thing was trotting all over the model's faces and heads. To quote Whitney Houston: Hell. To. The. No.

3. Creepy Crawlies, Roach Clip Edition: If you think tarantulas are icky, at least they don't make noise. In season six, models walked the runway while holding and/or wearing enormous Madagascar hissing cockroaches, which had been bedazzled with rhinestones and turned into living brooches. I actually felt sorry for the models and the roaches.

2. Aural Assault: Models in cycle nine had to impress judges by dancing in an Enrique Iglesias video. First, it was a long, grueling day. Second, they were wearing high heels and skimpy outfits. Third, they had to listen an Enrique Iglesias song on a loop all day long. (Honorable mention: In season two, girls were forced to dance in Tyra Banks' lame music video for "Shake Ya Body.")

1. Dead Meat: Tyra takes the models to the meat packing district, where they are forced to pose amongst animal carcasses while wearing halter tops and/or underwear made of meat. First of all, can you imagine how heavy and awkward it is to wear a pair of steak panties? Second, how unsanitary!

Just wondering...

2008-08-31T20:22:00.002-04:00

Did Jerry (Big Brother 10) bring a change of clothes? Because in 52 days, I'm not sure that I've seen him wear anything but that sleeveless Marines shirt.

I have seen enough old guy armpit to last me a lifetime.

Cats vs. Cards... who cares? For once, I do.

2008-08-31T14:47:00.005-04:00

So, this morning I ran over to Kroger to get some butter in order to make my mom's delicious banana bread recipe.

It was about 10 a.m., and the store was packed with people wearing either UofL or UK garb, who appeared to be stocking up for food and tailgating supplies for today's big game.

But two teenage girls who were walking in front of me caught my eye. One had on a University of Louisville t-shirt with shorts, and a ponytail holder with a cardinal on it. No big deal.

However, her friend was hooched out to the nth degree in Univeristy of Kentucky-wear. She had on a blue and white striped tube top with a blue, micro-mini cheerleading skirt that would reveal her ass cheeks with one small breeze. Blue and white legwarmers (with UK written around the top of them), flip flops, and a UK backpack completed her ridiculous outfit, which also included a Girls Next Door white-blonde dye job.

It was a little much, but I was like, Whatever, they're teenagers! She may not know any better yet.

So I get up to the checkstand, and guess who gets behind me in line?

Seeing them for the first time from the front, I was horrified to discover that the UK offender was the other girl's mother! Her body was great, but she looked like she was about 40 years old in the face. She had on about 10 pounds of bright pink blush on top of everything else. Her husband was there, too, and he was also wearing some overkill crazed-fan outfit that involved blue hair and and a blue moustache. (But at least he wasn't half-naked.)

No wonder that teen girl was rooting for U of L! It's probably her only way to rebel against her embarrassing parental units.

I was pissed, of course. I never, ever leave the house without my (camera) phone... except on the one day I would have loved to use it.

Normally, I don't give a shit who wins these Kentucky rivalry games. I'm not from here, so I have no vested interest whatsoever. But today, I'll be rooting for Louisville -- all because that little girl deserves to shame her parents a little bit.

Project Runway: Revs My Engine

2008-08-27T23:53:00.003-04:00

I have to admit: I wasn't real excited during the first 10 minutes of Project Runway, when I learned that contestants would be making garments out of car parts. It seemed like yet another shameless plug, of which there have been tons this season. This time, it was for Saturn, one of the show's sponsors.

With no time to concoct a plan, designers had to collect their materials out of a bunch of parked Saturns, then go back to the workroom and figure out what to do. And the results made me shift into high gear.

But first, we learned more interesting tidbits about a few of the designers: Suede (whose ‘wackadoodle' count this season is now at four) uses a flat iron to create his ridiculous hairdo. And Stella has a boyfriend named Ratbones, which does not surprise me in the least.

For fun this week, I've equated the outfits to vehicles. Vroom, vroom!:

Kenley: Pontiac Fiero. Remember these cute little sports cars, which were basically made of plastic? Well, Kenley's skirt – constructed from air filters on which she hand-drew zebra stripes – was adorable. But if her model sat down in it or took too big of a stride, the whole thing would come undone... just like the Fiero in a car accident.

Korto: Toyota Corolla. The judges loved her chic coat dress, made from beige seatbelts woven together. But it reminded me of those woven seatbelt purses that have been around for years. The Corolla boasts wonderful craftsmanship, too, but haven't you seen a million of them already?

Joe: Pontiac Aztec. It's not the worst-running car ever driven, but it's for sure one of the most hideous. If I were riding in it – even as a passenger – I'd be wearing a disguise. Maybe something along the lines of Joe's icky frock, which was motocross meets fugly. Good thing he has immunity this week.

Blayne: Kia Optima. The Optima looks nice on the outside, but let's face it: there are a whole lot of abandoned Kias on the side of the road. Blayne used broken mirrors to create a fun embellishment on his seatbelt gown... but it wasn't enough to camouflage this ill-fitting monstrosity that belonged in a junkyard.

Suede: Ford Crown Victoria. Suede did okay considering what he had to work with. But in the real world, his black top and blinding, silver, shredded skirt would warrant an arrest by the fashion police.

Terri: Harley Davidson V-Rod Muscle. Terri's halter and pants set – made from seat cushions, carpets, cargo netting – are elegant, but edgy and urban, too. She'd look right at home driving this bike, or out on the town kicking some ass.

Jerell: Smart Car. His futuristic bustier and skirt feel fresh and innovative ... and they're also very small. But if he parked his model in a lot, everyone would gather around to oooh and aaah.

Leanne: Bentley Continental GTC. I'm shocked. Boring Leanne turns out a car seat, cushion and seatbelt minidress that's luxe, eye-catching and curvy. It could be totally overpriced and people would still want it. She's this week's winner.

Stella: AMC Pacer. This week, everyone's favorite leatha-master departed from her usual MO to try and make something pretty. Instead, she made a skirt and vest that went together about as well as people who have taste and the AMC Pacer. Still, she survives the bottom two, so Ratbones is on his own for at least another week.

Keith: Ford Pinto. Keith should have pumped his brakes with the whining this week. He was so focused on the judges' criticisms from the last challenge that he created an outfit hr thought they'd want to see, instead of a garment he wanted to make. His plan sputtered and backfired – just like a Pinto.

Keith was auf'ed, but not without a whole lot of weeping, making for only a slightly less embarrassing departure than Michael on Design Star, who cried out for his mommy when he was booted from the show over the summer.

It's Almost Labor Day. Think About These Bosses Instead Of Yours.

2008-08-26T00:05:00.004-04:00

Labor Day is upon is, and let's be honest: What gainfully employed person doesn't enjoy this holiday that recognizes worker bees? So, in honor of all the little people, we've decided to round up some of our favorite and least favorite TV bosses.

Don't get me wrong. I love to watch everyone on this list... but I definitely wouldn't want to work for some of them.

BEST:

Tony Almeida, 24
Perhaps the fairest and most good-hearted TV boss I've seen, Almeida tops my list because he's a champion for his employees, and he isn't afraid to stick it to The Man. Not to mention that during season three, Almeida was shot in the neck, slipped into a coma, and miraculously awoke and returned to work a few hours later. Talk about setting an example for work ethic! With a boss like that, there's no way you could call in sick with cramps or a measly ol' flu bug.

Sam Malone, Cheers
With infinite charisma, an easy-going demeanor and great sense of humor, Malone would be really easy to work for. He easily navigated various personalties including spitfire Carla, dumb-as-rocks Woody and neurotic brain Diane. And somehow, he always managed to diffuse Diane/Carla wars with a lighthearted ease. But the true test of Malone's character was determined by the fact that everyone – customers, employees and yes, the ladies – seemed to like him. It's hard not to respect a guy like that.

Gil Grissom, CSI
Sure, his obsession with bugs is a little creepy and he's kind of a know-it-all. But his vast knowledge benefits his charges. For instance, if Grissom has something figured out, he doesn't just tell his employees straight up. Instead, he asks leading questions that enable them to discover answers for themselves. You know, 'teach a man to fish' and all that. He's also understanding when employees have personal problems, yet he doesn't meddle too much in things that aren't his business. His biggest downfall: The icky things he keeps in his office, such as an enbalmed fetal pig, a two-headed scorpion and a tarantula. Um, can we conduct our meeting in the break room, please?

WORST:

Ari Gold, Entourage
Ari is Vincent Chase's cut-throat agent on Entourage. And Ari's assistant, Lloyd, is one of the most put-upon employees in TV history. Ari is constantly making disparaging remarks about Lloyd's race and sexual orientation, and in general, belittling him to no end. Most of the things he says to Lloyd (and other employees) aren't fit for print, but here's one tame barb he tossed at Lloyd: "You look like Michelle Kwan in drag. Why don't you do a triple axle over to the phone and try Cameron again?" Is there a big enough paycheck in the world for that?

Michael Scott, The Office
At first glance, Michael Scott might seem like an okay supervisor. He's a bumbling, inappropriate fool who cares more about his popularity than he does about any actual work getting done. What other office do you know of where employees spend more time playing pranks and planning parties than they do working? Plus, being around Michael all day would make anyone feel pretty smart. But then you realize, ‘Hey, this guy is making three times what I make and he's a flippin' moron,' which instantly catapults him onto the Worst Boss list.

Maria LaGuerta, Dexter
As the lieutenant of the Miami Police Department's homicide division in season one of Dexter, LaGuerta bullied and intimidated her employees, hogged the media spotlight whenever she could, and tried to steal her captain's job. As a result, she was demoted and replaced by Esme Pascal. In season two, LaGuerta pretended to befriend Pascal, but was really angling to exploit the woman's instabilities -- which were partially due to the fact that Pascal's fiancé was cheating on her. With LaGuerta. Who dumped him the minute she was reinstated as leiutenant. I wonder if season three will reveal that MPD employees all updated their resumes and bookmarked www.careerbuilder.com on their computers.

Kelly Cutrone, The Hills
To aspiring stylists, working for Kelly Cutrone at her fashion/public relations company, People's Revolution, might seem like a dream job. That is, until you actually meet her. When Cutrone hired Whitney, she warned her she was "making a deal with the devil" and insinuated that Whitney would basically never sleep again. Cutrone often berates and humiliates her employees for life-altering mistakes such as wearing too much color or not making a phone call fast enough. Get over yourself, lady. At the end of the day, you deal with overpriced clothes. Can you imagine what a hag she'd be if she worked somewhere important, like a hospital?